As most of us can probably agree, any movie that Jennifer Lawrence makes has got to be better than mother!, it just has to. mother! is the end all, be all of bad films directed by a cry baby who gets mad every time someone doesn’t like his student film. Wait, wasn’t I reviewing RED SPARROW? Oh yes, well of course Red Sparrow is better than mother! In fact, Red Sparrow is actually pretty decent and yet again showcases how amazing it is that Jennifer Lawrence is this great at acting, dropped out of middle school, and didn’t even take acting lessons. Is it the end all be all of Russian/American tension spy flicks? No. Could you consider this just a Black Widow movie with a title. NO. I’m tired of people saying that too. Red Sparrow is its own thing, and it does it pretty well.

I’m disagreeing mostly with the critics on this one. I admit it is a little too long, as probably 30 minutes could’ve been cut from its 2 hr and 20 minute run time, but it has a solid story and will keep most of you guessing till the very end. I guessed how everything was going to play out 40 minutes in, but still had fun with the journey to get there. Some critics are claiming that the movie is really hard to follow. Yeah, only if you are not paying attention at all. For a quick synopsis for you, it is about a ballerina (Lawrence), after getting into a career ending leg injury, is recruited by her uncle into the Sparrow program, spies and agents that use their sexuality to get what they want. There is a mole in the Russian syndicate, and only an American CIA operative (Joel Egerton) knows who it is as he does a shit ton of drops with him. The American is the ex-ballerina’s target, but when the game of cat and mouse gets complicated, who is playing who, and what is the ultimate goal?

The movie is more sophisticated than that, but saying anything else would ruin anything. The great Jeremy Irons, and the always reliable Mary Louise Parker are involved and in this as well, and they are good with the very small and limited roles that they have. This is completely the Jennifer Lawrence show. She is almost in every scene, with yes, a heavy Russian accent that I didn’t mind and got quite used to fast, and she puts her acting chops to great use. I don’t think Jennifer Lawrence has ever really phoned in a performance, even with the terrible horror movie House At The End of The Street, and she was really the only good thing in mother!. There is never once where I’ve looked at one of her performance and have thought, “Yeah, that is just her playing herself.” She really is my favorite actress.

Also, Joel Egerton is always good and underrated in everything that I see him in. If you don’t really know who that is, he’s been in several things like Uncle Owen in the prequel Star Wars Trilogy, The Gift, and he played the cop orc in Bright.  Don’t be fooled by the marketing on this one either. This is not an action film. In fact it is closer to torture porn than it is an action film with some very cringe worthy scenes of knife stabbings and skin peelings. If those don’t float your boat then this movie might not be fore you. Director Francis Lawrence, who directed Jennifer in the last three Hunger Games films, has made a pretty film here too. The shots and cinematography are dark and somber and I liked watching how everything came together. It is definitely his best film since Catching Fire.

Well, nothing much left to say other than if you enjoy a decent spy flick that is light on the action but focuses more on the realism, you’ll like this one to. Is it one of the years best films at the end of 2018? Hardly. But there are much worse films to watch, and ones that will completely waste your time. This doesn’t waste your time, in my opinion.

You know what? I enjoyed the new remake of DEATH WISH. I also think it is Eli Roth’s best film. So sue me. And yes, I’ve seen all of Eli Roth’s films, and I’ve seen the original Death Wish and I’ve also seen The Brave One, which was a halfassed attempt at trying to say a movie was not a remake of Death Wish by giving it a different title and casting Jodie Foster in the vigilante role. And if you’ve read the original novel, you know that the original Death Wish isn’t even a faithful adaptation. I’m going to throw an even more controversial ember into this fire I’m creating. I don’t even think the original is that much of a classic outside of Charles Bronson’s performance. There I said it. In the original, *spoiler warning*, he doesn’t even go after or find the original killers that killed his wife and hurt his daughter. So needless to say, this Death Wish is completely different from both the novel, the original film, and the hidden remake of The Brave One. And this is the one I enjoyed the most.

And I know, most critics that have seen it haven’t enjoyed it, but I think that is mostly due to the fact that they think the film is ill timed, which it sort of is but that didn’t get in the way of my movie watching experience. The movie has a lot to say actually on how stupidly easy it is to buy a gun in America. One whole scene is a joke about it. And there is a shit load of gun violence, commentary on the police and their lack of response, commentary on being a vigilante, etc. And I know what happened three weeks ago and thinking about it saddens me but this movie was originally was supposed to be released in late November near Thanksgiving, but they moved it because that weekend was already overcrowded with 6 other films. This weekend its only competition is another R rated movie Red Sparrow (review on Sunday). So I pushed all that to the side, and let’s push that out of the way and get to my real review.

I thought the movie was a lot of fun, well directed by Roth, and Bruce Willis gives his best performance since Looper, basically because it looks like he actually wanted to film this. Bruce Willis breaks down in tears two to three times in this movie, with one emotional scene with Vincent O’Donofrio, who plays his brother, and I was mouthing, “Oh My God, is this what is feels like to watch Bruce Willis actually try giving a damn and acting?” He was quite good. At the beginning of the film, I was nervous because he seemed to be bringing with him his phoned in VOD performances of the last couple of years, but then once his family is gunned down his performance goes completely 180, and he actually plays a grieving widowed doctor with vengeance in his heart. I think that might have been director Eli Roth’s intention. Let’s make them think Bruce Willis will phone it in, and then about 20 minutes into the film punch them in the nuts. If that’s the case, it worked.

Seeing Bruce Willis be the good guy and take the law into his own hands and shoot and kill and cut open and torture really bad people was just fun to watch. Eli Roth knows his audience and who comes to see his films, so there is a little horror blood and gore here and there just to wink and satisfy his fans. A scene where Willis is cutting open a major nerve to torture a bad guy is very cringe worthy and hard to watch but the payoff visuals are beautiful. Eli Roth also directs a club shoot out really really well. It seems like he wanted to make this film and took his time actually planning what he was going to shoot and how to shoot it. Good for him. Because like I said earlier, it is easily his best film.

The acting is good all around. I already talked about Willis giving a wanting to be there and trying performance. Vincent O’Donofrio playing his brother was actually quite good here too and the best thing I’ve seen him in since Netflix’s The Punisher. Elizabeth Shue plays the scared and tortured and eventually killed (not a spoiler, it’s in the trailers) wife really well and the girl that plays the daughter is good in the scenes she is in. Dean Norris and Kimberly Elise play two detectives trying to help solve everything, and even though Norris gave off his Breaking Bad character vibe, he was still good to watch as well.

To me, even though I thought it was better, for those that hold the original near to their hearts, it is a harmless remake. It is completely different, and the only thing that stands the same between the two is Brosnan and Willis doing that finger pistol thing they do at the end of the films. This is a more personal movie as Willis is actually trying to find the people that did this to his family while also being a vigilante. It was different enough to be enjoyable. It isn’t one of the years best films, and won’t be by a long shot. Just a guilty pleasure, with much much worse films and much much worse remakes and reboots out there.

Actor Jesse Plemmons is worth the price of admission alone for this, and he isn’t even a main character. Ah yes, now I finally get to review my favorite film of this past weekend, and favorite film so far this year (yes, that’s right, I liked this more than both Black Panther and Annihilation), GAME NIGHT. Game Night is hilariously wonderful and a completely entertaining comedy that is a laugh a riot from minute one all the way to its end credits. For any kind of comedy, that is a rare and major feat. Usually comedies will be hilarious for the first 30 minutes, get muddled in the middle, but have a hilarious conclusion. No, not this film. I laughed throughout the entire hour and 40 minutes and didn’t find any lag periods. This is a film I could watch over and over and over and over and over again and enjoy it each time.

From the writers of Horrible Bosses and the revamped Vacation movie, this is easily their best comedy effort so far (they sort of co wrote Spider-Man Homecoming but that is a different animal altogether). For this film, you have probably already seen the trailer to it, but if not, DO NOT WATCH IT. Just go see this film. The trailer doesn’t give most of the film away, as there are several really cool 3rd act surprises I wasn’t expecting, but not seeing the trailer may enhance your enjoyment. But for a quick little synopsis, it is about this couple, played by Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams, that have a weekly game night that they host for friends. Jason Bateman’s brother, played by the great Kyle Chandler, comes into down and want’s to beef up Game Night. No boards, no dice, no pieces, someone from their group is going to be taken, and they have the night to solve it, and the winner gets his awesome new sporty classy vehicle that he drove to the get together.

Well, it turns out, everything is not what it seems, because right when the ‘someone’ is taken begins, something is off and weird, and the brother is trying to scream that “this isn’t part of the game.” And I am going to leave it there. All six of the players go on wacky side quests and adventures to find out what is really going on but trying to win the game at the same time. I would consider it a dark comedy, seeing that it goes in some violence and zany places at times, but not too dark, just that right amount to keep it from completely losing its audience. There are twists and turns and revelations, and all of it comes together in a nice and tight film that didn’t need any trimming or anything added onto it.

As for the acting, I know that Jason Bateman plays basically the same character in every film. He does have range, and if you watch projects such as Ozark, The Change Up, and The Gift, you’ll see that he is capable of playing somebody other than the dead pan normal everyday schemo. But I think he loves playing that guy and he does it so fucking well. As for Rachel McAdams, this is the best she has been since Spotlight and Mean Girls. She is fantastic in this and that is because it looks as if she is having so much fun making the film. Another great thing about this movie is that even though they are the two leads, the other four players in this movie get their moments and time to shine, giving them some pretty hilarious character arcs. New Girls’ Lamorne Morris and Kylie Bunbury’s marriage is put to the test when she reveals during a drinking game that she may have slept with a celebrity when they were on a break before they got married. Billy Magnussen plays a tolken jock good looking blonde dummy that finally brings an older not dumb blonde not supermodel date, Sharon Horgan, that maybe give him a run for his own intelligence.

Everything in this comedy comes together so well. The zany, wacky adventures are just that, zany and wacky and fun. Like they are supposed to be in comedies. It didn’t feel that the filmmakers were trying too hard for genuine laughs, as about 95% of the jokes stick the landing, and even the 5% that aren’t are still chuckle worthy. The greatest thing in this film though is Jesse Plemmons (who you may know from Breaking Bad, Fargo Season 2, The Post, etc.), who plays a police officer neighbor to Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams’ married couple. He is so God damn creepy and awkward in this movie it is so pitch perfect, I will not tell you anything more about him so I don’t spoil any surprises, but needless to say, he is envious of Game Night ever since his wife left him and they don’t really invite him over anymore.

I loved this film. Love, love, love it, and can’t wait until it hits blu ray so I can watch it several more times. I really liked it that much and I may be over hyping it for you. But I don’t really give a shit. I really enjoyed myself and the sold out audience at my showing seemed to love it as well. Even the end credits are pretty enjoyable. The films has some pretty cool insane cameos as well. What’s really funny is that I know some people that actually have game night’s themselves. This movie seems to be better and funnier than the real thing. See this with anyone, it is a crowd pleasure to be sure.

Ok, so when I watched Duncan Jones’s new movie MUTE on Netflix Saturday, I had heard a little bit of the bad buzz behind it, but I didn’t dare go on Rotten Tomatoes or read any full length reviews to make sure I went into it a little fresh. I pretty much watched the movie straight through with my son sleeping on my chest, and after it was over, I really felt like I hadn’t really watched anything at all but a beautiful moving screensaver that happened to have fantastic visuals but really didn’t have any substance. When I was done, I went to Rotten Tomatoes and read other legitimate critics reviews, and they all thought exactly the same thing. Mute has wonderful, wonderful visuals and it seems to have an expansive world, and the acting is fantastic, but the story isn’t there, and what is there is muddled, has cliched story beats, and doesn’t really pick up until the final 30 minutes.

Also, the movie needed to be trimmed about about 20 to 25 minutes as well. The entire film is one big red herring, and I knew that from the very beginning when certain characters were introduced and started talking. I was thinking, “ok, this is what happened, so and so is going to think this, but is going to get some last minute evidence where it is really this, showdown, the end.” And believe me, I was hoping and praying that I was wrong. I was really really wanting for the story to take me in a different direction where I thought it might not go. I had the same feeling in Blade Runner 2049, but Blade Runner managed to surprise me and actually trick me into thinking one thing but the reality is that it is something completely different. Mute tries it and fails…hard. The film keeps screaming at you, “LOOK AT ME DAMMIT, I’M A BAD GUY AND I WORK FOR A GANG AND PROBABLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S DISAPPEARANCE! HERE, HERE IS A USELESS 45 MINUTES WHERE YOU GO DOWN MY PATH ONLY TO REALIZE…BAZINGA MOTHERFUCKER!”

The entire film is one big red herring, and I knew that it was, and the film just ended up not being for me. If you need to know what it is about, the film stars Alexander Sarsgaard, Paul Rudd, and Justin Theoroux. Sarsgaard stars as a man in his 30s, who is Amish, who happens to be a mute because of a boating accident that happened when he was a kid. He has this girlfriend that he loves where they both work at a bar and she seems to be hiding something from him while trying to make a lot of money to do something with it, maybe run away perhaps? Anyway, she goes missing, and even though he is mute, he goes out and does detective work to try and find her. Paul Rudd, and Justin Theoroux also star in subplot B as two Army/Navy surgeons who went AWOL and are working as surgeons for the mob so that if anyone in the mob gets shot or injured, they don’t have to go to the hospital where they will report it. They are also kind of lovers even though they are bi sexual as well. Paul Rudd also has a little girl that he seems to drag everything, even though he seems to be a loving father.

I think in the paragraph above I have given you all the context clues to figure out what is really going on. And if you can’t, good for you, you don’t have an obsessive movie acute brain like I do. It is a blessing but in this case it was a curse. Maybe it was also the fact that even though it bills Paul Rudd and Justin Theoreux behind Sarsgaard, they are more co-leads than anything else, and the movie spends a little too much time with them, leaving the audience to likely guess what is going on in their story too. Time is taken away from Sarsgaard, who when the climax does hit, I still didn’t feel so much for, and not because he is mute the entire movie, its just I don’t think we got to spend enough time with him to feel his rage and determination. His detective work is shoddy and boring at best. Don’t get me wrong, they are incredible actors and all three of them, especially Rudd and Theroux, Theroux being almost unrecognizable, show range they haven’t shown before.

And while I thought the movie was ‘really really meh’ at first, the more I’ve thought about it, it isn’t THAT bad, but it could’ve used a lot of trimming and tightening. I think I was more upset that Duncan Jones decided to try and pull an M. Night Shyamalan and Split, putting in a character’s sort of epilogue to one of his previous film as an easter egg throughout the entire 2 hr 10 minute run time. It makes the far superior film subjected to a universe of a ‘ehhhh’ sort of side-quel. I am not listing the film on here but if you look at writer/director Duncan Jones’ filmography, it isn’t hard to figure out what movie it is and what actor makes a cameo in this.

Oh, the visuals are amazing in this btw. The visuals and the acting are maybe really the only two things that make this film even half way decently watchable. It is definitely a universe I would like to dive back into, but with a much much better non-cliched, non muddled story. And I think it can be done, especially if maybe done by another filmmaker or if Duncan Jones can fix some of his own film making techniques. He has two great films under his belt, Moon and Source Code (haven’t seen Warcraft), so I know the man is capable of making another fantastic film, and this is a bold try, but it ends up falling just short of the finish line. Netflix needs to step of its game in its original film content, and not just be a dumping ground for films that would fail spectacularly if released in theaters. Why can’t we get more stuff like Mudbound?

Ok, I got three movie reviews to write while I have this work “internet down” break at work so let’s get to it (if you must know I am writing these on Microsoft Word and will post them when the internet is back up). If I ever watch something on Netflix, Hulu, what have you from now on and I haven’t seen it before and if it’s not a recent release, I still am going to start to review them. However, maybe not as long as my other reviews since the movies are older and you have probably already seen them. So I caught a film I had heard of for a little bit called LOVESICK starring Friends’ Matt LeBlanc and Final Destination’s Ali Larter. I was interested, but it left quickly from my mind until I saw it on Netflix this weekend, and since I was taking care of Grayson alone and he was asleep on my chest I decided “what the hell?” and hit play.

When Lovesick was first released, it was direct to video/rent, and usually those films are subpar or even worse, terrible. Well, Lovesick is a little better than subpar (but just a little bit, it isn’t Better Watch Out greatness far that should’ve been in the theater), and the reason for that being it is a concept that hasn’t been truly explored up to the max. I think with a bigger budget, a little bit of a longer run time, some more bankable stars, and some more zany shit happening and this could’ve been easily a theatrical release. But I would definitely recommend it when you are surfing through Netflix on a boring afternoon.

A real quick synopsis is that Matt LeBlanc plays Charlie Darby, a principal at a school. He is a really nice guy and all the teachers and students love him and couldn’t wish for a better principal. There is just one problem, he is really, really unlucky in love. And the reason for that being, that even though he is a nice guy, once a relationship starts, he goes fucking psychotic with jealousy. To him, everything is a clue to infidelity and he goes to extremes to prove his theories (even though they are false). Which of course, makes the women that he’s dating not want to be with him. So after recently just being dumped, he swears he is going to date women that don’t interest him. That lasts really, really short, as the next day he meets Molly Kingston (Larter), who he finds an immediate connection with, after meeting her and finding out that her nephew goes to his school.

The first date is fantastic, but then ever so slightly and then straight to the extreme, his jealousy rage kicks into full gear, with him wondering who an XL sweater is for when she gets a souvenir on a vacation they get together, or trying to figure out if she is really visiting her sick grandmother in Vegas, etc.. The lengths he goes to are absolutely multiple forehead slap worthy, and sometimes I could barely still look at the screen with what he was doing. Matt LeBlanc actually does a great job here of trying to shed his “Joey” image that will be with him unfortunately forever. He plays the nice guy very well and when he goes into jealousy mode, he does a great full 180 with his acting. The scenes where he tries to get Ali Larter’s nephew basically spy on her are cringe worthy. I just wish there was more zany shit and maybe another 15 minutes added to the film, could’ve been so much more bat shit crazy.

Ali Larter is okay, but this isn’t really her showcase. She unfortunately has the role of “ahhh shucks the jealousy thing is bothering me but I like you too much to leave you” role. It doesn’t really challenge her as an actress, but with a better script it could have. But she is fine with what she was given.  I also would’ve liked to see the guy that plays Matt LeBlanc’s friend (Adam Rodriguez) that narrates the movie and knows his best friend is crazy have a little bit more to the with the grand scheme of things. Like I said, a tighter and more meaty screenplay could’ve solved on that.

One more thing, Chevy Chase is in this for three short scenes, and his role could’ve completely been cut and they added more stuff for Larter or Adam Rodriguez to do. It’s like they picked him up off the street and asked him to be in this to get more “star” recognition. Do they not realize that Chevy Chase hasn’t been bankable since the 80s? This review is already too long. So I’ll end it by saying it is a barely passable watch on Netflix, still deserves to be in that direct to video category, but it is better than a lot of garbage that is in the same ballpark.

EVERY DAY is one of the high concept movies wrapped in a teen film. The obvious advantage to this is that they usually turn out better than your ‘average’ teen films filled with whiny brats crying about their relationships, drama, blah blah blah, something something 3rd world problems. Every Day is about a guy/girl/entity that every day wakes up in a new body, usually around the same age, a reasonably close distance away depending on where the previous person ended up the night before. This guy/girl/entity ends up falling in love with one of the girlfriends of a guy he inhabits. He/she/it decides to try and pursue something with her, even though he/she/it is going to end up in a different body everyday.

Ok, I’m tired of typing he/she/it, so since this person falls in love with a girl, I am going to call him a he from now and, and use his name in the film, which is just the letter A. Hope you aren’t butthurt about it. But anyway, this movie is much better than it should be due to the high concept. The movie is a short, tight, 95 minutes, and the movie only does two things that kind of bugged me. Without going into spoilers again because when I say spoiler free, I mean it God damn it, there is a character they introduce, sort of, earlier in the film, that ends up making more of an appearance near the end. And I didn’t figure out that we had met the person before without some context clues the film uses when this character comes back at the end. When I figured it out, I was thinking, “ohhhhhhhhhhhhh that person!….why didn’t they have just a few more appearances of him/her? Would’ve made this part have a little more sense.”

The other, which is not so much a spoiler since it happens a little before the halfway point of the film, is that A tries to prove to the young lady that he is telling the truth about his predicament, only to inhabit her body randomly one of the days we follow his life, and instead of having the whole movie where she just trusts her gut and believes him, he takes over her body one of the days, ultimately proving it. I would’ve liked to just keep that trusting with the forefront, because him inhabiting her body feels like a cheap way out even though what he does in her body further develops other plot points. But those things are just minor complaints.

I’m not saying this is a masterpiece or a great movie by any means. Definitely not going to buy it but I have to admit, it kept my attention and it didn’t treat the audiences as if they were teenage morons. There are plenty of ways this movie could’ve ended. I thought of endless possibilities and with each one I was thinking, “If the movie goes this way, it will lose me,” or “If the movie goes this way, I’m walking out of the theater.” But no, the movie goes the way and ends the way the only way it should’ve. I appreciated that. The fact that Every Day actually captured my attention more than most teenage films deserves some praise.

The movie is also a little above par because of the acting. The boys/girls that this movie hired to basically play two parts, the mindset of A and then their regular personalities, are believable and actually quite good. If this thing didn’t have decent acting, it would’ve lost all of its credibility. There are always several threads of each theatrical film that barely separate it from a cinema release, to straight to on demand. The acting in this movie kept it out of the on demand ballpark of release.

So if you are a teenager reading this, or in your twenties or thirties and still love those “teenager” films of your youth, this is one rare one that I can recommend to you that won’t fry your brain to mush. The film deals with love and heartache, but it also deals with teenage angst, suicide, and morality as well without going too into the melodramatic zone. The dialogue actually feels a little real in this. I don’t think I heard one teenager go “like, oh my God” in this movie, and considering that I almost hear that every day in the real world, I gotta give this movie a little bit of credit for giving me a little bit of a break.

ANNIHILATION is a sci-fi masterpiece extravaganza. Well, to me it is. I do have a word of warning for all you would be watchers. Two warnings actually. Warning #1: This film contains some weird shit in it. Like Kubrick 2001: A Space Odyssey weird sci-fi shit. If you don’t like that kind of shit and aren’t even close to being a huge cine-phile like myself, this movie is probably not for you. Warning #2: This warning is for people who have read the book. I have not, but after the film I went to several websites and read basically what happens throughout the entire novel. THIS MOVIE IS NOTHING LIKE THE BOOK. At all. Writer and Director Alex Garland took some DNA and ideas from the book and fully formed his own original tale and ideas. And it boldly worked out. So if you are looking for a straight up adaptation, you are going to be might-ely pissed off.

But if you love, love, love weird 2001 Spacey Odyssey shit mixed with some David Cronenberg body horror, mixed in with WTF creature features,  with a touch of Arrival, well then this film is right up your alley. The film also makes you think, which I always usually give my stamp of approval toward. To explain the plot without ruining anything (you get this if you watch the trailer), a biologist’s (played exquisitely by Natalie Portman) husband has come back to her after a year “military/covert” absence, sick and dying inside from internal bleeding. She gets whisked away from the U.S. government and explains what happened to her husband. He and some other military personnel signed up to investigate what they call “The Shimmer.” It is an area that when hit by a meteor starting developing a weird aura around it and it is only growing bigger and bigger by time. Oh, and whoever enters this aura perimeter never, ever comes back. Portman’s husband (played by the always good Oscar Isaac) is the very first person to ever come back. She volunteers to go in to figure out what happens to her husband along with a group of non military but special skilled women played by Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tessa Thompson, Gina Rodriguez, and Tuva Novotny.

And that is all I can say. The revelations and mysteries inside “The Shimmer” are yours and yours alone to figure out and then contemplate what is revealed to you. Let’s just say that the climax is definitely not for everyone. Modern audience will think that it is too weird, and that is maybe why Netflix is releasing this overseas (not here) in a short 17 days, even though they should have more confidence considering the film is doing critically very well right now. But I liked it, and think that it made complete and perfect sense. I was in awe by everything in this film. From the visuals, to the morals of their dilemma’s, to the mystery of the entire thing. I was intrigued until the end credits and want to watch it again to see if I picked up on anything that I missed.

Plus, this movie has about a 7 to 10 minute sequence that freaked me out involving one of the most hideous and frightening creatures I have ever seen. It made my heart pump throughout the entire thing and it is literally one of the most perfect scare tactic scenes I have ever seen. Perfect acting, writing and directions. Can’t wait for it to freak me out again. Now let’s get to the acting shall we? Natalie Portman proves once again why she won the Oscar for Black Swan and why it was Lucas’ direction of the prequels that is truly to blame for all the bad acting in Star Wars film at the turn of the century. She is incredible in this and probably her best role since Black Swan. Even better than Jackie, IMO. Jennifer Jason Leigh is kind of meh in this, however some revelations of her character explain why it is so. Tuva Novotny is good in the scenes she is in, but I thought that Tessa Thompson, so good in Thor: Ragnarok, is utterly wasted in this even though she has one little scene to shine. The real person that steals all her scenes is Gina Rodriguez, from Jane the Virgin. She is incredibly in this and once her show on television is done she should get more projects like this and win some serious awards in the future.

Talking about anything else will spoil stuff, so anyway, yeah, if you’ve seen the trailer and this movie intrigues you, go and see it. The marketing for the film has been kind of off. It somewhat tries to sell it to you has a horror sci-fi film and even though it does just have a couple of horror elements, it is more 2001 A Space Odyssey or Blade Runner than it is anywhere near Alien. It’s a science fiction film that makes you think, is a very slow burn, and doesn’t just throw in action to make you perk up in your seat. Everything about it has a purpose. I love movies that don’t spoon feed its audience. And Alex Garland has thrown away his spoon with this and is essentially giving modern audiences the finger. This pleases me.

“I just wanted to see some free titties, that’s all, but there’s no such thing as free titties, is there Zack, is there?” -Craig Robinson, Zack and Miri Make A Porno.

Boy, if that quote pertains to anything, it is having to sit through this train wreck of a trilogy. The only reason why I saw the other two and this last in the trio, FIFTY SHADES FREED, is to see Dakota Johnson’s breasts. I’m a man, so fucking sue me. I always thought she was cute and funny before these films and when I heard she was hired for the trilogy, I knew she would have to give up the goods. But if I realized that I was going to sit through 5 to 6 hours of total absolute boredom and ridiculous campiness over the past three years in the theater with my wife, just to see some celebrity woman’s breasts…I think I would’ve waited for the online leaks and just used my fast forward, rewind, and pause button. Jesus these films are terrible.

The best I can say about this film is that it is the most tolerable of the three. The first one had the most plot, but the terrible chemistry between the two leads made everything unbelievable and unbearable to watch. The second film is absolutely fucking pointless, has the least amount of plot, if it has any plot at all, and doesn’t make one lick of sense. The only thing that has gotten better from movie to movie is Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan seem to not hate each other anymore, and their chemistry is a little better. In this movie, their chemistry is the best, and it has a little more plot than the last film, but everything else is stupid and pointless and boring.

And this probably has the least sex of the three films. I thought these things were going to break the barrier of how much sex you can get away with in a R rated film. These films weren’t meant to be R rated. E.L. James should’ve just sold to rights to Cinemax and let them have their way with the material with bad acting and direction, but at least the sex would’ve probably been more accurate in accordance to the source. Or they should’ve just got full NC-17 a la Blue Is The Warmest Color or Shame. To make these rated R is slapping romance fan fiction novels in the face. Every woman knows it. I have a feeling if one woman has a dilemma from now on from either re reading one of the novels and watching the movie, they will just reread the novels and never put the disc in the player again.

I mean, can I even explain the plot of the film. It’s just the Twilight series but stripped of everything vampire and added sex. In the third one, they get married, some jealous asshole is after them both for revenge (hardly, and for only like 10 mins), and of course, well, I mean come on, if it is Twilight fan fiction you know they also have to deal with an unexpected development and consequence of having so much sex.

But why am I here? You know whether you are going to see this film or not. If you are a guy, you are trying to score some brownie points to see this with your lovely lady. If you are a lady, you have either read the novels and/or a fan of the film series and already know it is schlock but really don’t care. All I know as a really big fan of cinema, these movies are some of the worst projects to every come out of Hollywood. It is a slap in the face to cinema and it is a head scratcher how films like this can be made, but Hollywood won’t take more chances on original content. It’s disgusting and disturbing all at the same time. This is another film (how is it that I have basically had three movies in a week and a half that will end up like this) that will be on my worst of 2018 list, just like the 2nd one was last year, and the first one was a year before.

Also the best thing about this film? Is that this is the end. Well, did I just jinx it though? Because couldn’t they make a fourth film that doesn’t follow the novel that has some kind of plot with them trying to have sex around the obvious plot development that I mentioned earlier in this review? If Hollywood is really running out of ideas, they just might. I really hope this is the end, or that the film doesn’t make enough money to get Hollywood greedy assholes to squeeze out a fourth film. Maybe they’ll wait 35 years and we will see Dakota and Jamie has old people having hot wrinkly old sex? I don’t know. I only know one thing, and I already posted this on Facebook but it is so relevant to how I feel: The Fifty Shades of Black trilogy is the worst thing since living in Europe between 1347 to 1351.

When the doll from American Sniper is more realistic and a better actor than anything in THE 15:17 TO PARIS, you know you have a problem. This movie is the worst film Clint Eastwood has ever made. Period. It doesn’t even feel like he was behind the director chair on this one, is it possible someone just slapped his name on it and he agreed as some part of back end money deal to help distribute the film? He wasn’t even on autopilot, he just didn’t care. You would think that after the disaster that the film Act of Valor was that they wouldn’t make another film depicting real life heroes doing something amazing with the actual same people that lived it. They aren’t actors. They are real people.

The real heroes re-filming what they had to go through has got to be awkward as fuck for them. And me watching them redoing what they went through was awkward for me. Because even though it was them saving those people on the train like they did, it didn’t feel real. Real actors recreating it would’ve felt more real. The trailer is completely misleading to, it hinted at these three guys having an extraordinary life that led them to that extraordinary fate. Bullshit. They got into very little trouble as kids, one of them had trouble finding his place in the Army so he got into a field of work that would save people’s lives. And then they get together and backpack across Europe. And that is about it. It is a great story and I am very thankful and proud for what they did to stop a potential tragedy, but that hardly qualifies it to be a whole 95 minute movie about it. It could’ve been a fantastic 15 minute short with real actors just recreating the train sequence.

But the movie is mainly them just shooting the shit, unrealistically, and backpacking across Europe. It is extremely boring and the acting is atrocious. In fact, my screening was mostly full, and about 6 people walked out halfway through the film and never came back. I was this close to walking out too, but I always finish a film and was kind of interested in how they stopped a tragedy on the train. The acting is so atrocious that even the real actors in the film, such as Jenna Fischer from The Office and Judy Greer are terrible in this as well, especially Jenna Fisher, who is usually at least half way decent. Everything feels like it was shot in one take and Clint Eastwood just thought he felt lucky and didn’t have to shoot anymore. The only scene in the entire film that feels like it was handled with care was the train saving climax. That was the only interesting part of the film.

Spencer Stone, who the film really focuses on, seemed uncomfortable playing himself, which is actually funny. He either constantly forgot his lines and tried to remember them right before Eastwood yelled, “Action!” Or Clint Eastwood told him to just improve everything. BOTH VERY AWFUL IDEAS. I knew the movie would be a problem with the awkward as fuck opening with a weird narration that they never ever come back to. This all in all is not only unnecessary filmmaking, but lazy and boring filmmaking. Clint Eastwood is so much better than this. Just watch Unforgiven. Or Million Dollar Baby. Those films prove he is one of the best directors out there. But this. I don’t know how this came together, but I can tell you a movie about this disaster of a film would be more enjoyable and entertaining than this plain disaster.

This beats Winchester as worst film of the year so far. In fact, I’ll go ahead and say at least I was somewhat entertained by Dakota Johnson’s boobs in Fifty Shades Freed to even say that that was a little better of a movie than this. I don’t think I have ever been as bored in a film. Maybe Australia. Or that Beyond Borders film with Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen. I’d have to watch all of them to declare one of them my most boring film of all time, but then I’d have to go through pure hell again, so I think not.

So yeah. This is Clint Eastwood’s worst film. No question. Name a film he directed, and I bet you $100 I can find more redeeming qualities in it than I can with this film. Even Space Cowboys. Even Blood Work. I can’t believe he was dragged into this. This is a Lifetime movie all away and should’ve been directed by a kid just out of film school trying to get some kind of recognition. Even bad recognition. Eastwood is an established a filmmaker. But maybe he is starting to really show his age. In any case, “a man has got to know his limitations.”