DR. VAXXLOVE (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying & Love The Block ((Button))

Ah, the block button. Whether it be Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, etc. etc., it has become a true friend of mine since the beginning of 2021. I used to think it was cowardly, and so in the years previous I would unblock those after a certain amount of time, only to end up regretting it later. But it isn’t cowardly anymore, it is…therapeutic. Brave. Stress-reducing. And to those that think I have deeper problems if I’m cutting people out of my life at the drop of a hat? I’d rather have those deeper problems than to be ignorant. Ignorant to what is going on around us: THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC. I used to be mad at the people that went along with the headline: “If you want to get the vaccine, I’m with you, if you don’t want to get the vaccine, I’m still with you. I still love you.” Now? I feel sorry for the lot of you. Sorry for your ignorance. I mean, did we seriously all forget that we (still) have vaccine passports that we have/had to have in order to even be considering to be in daycare and/or school for all these years? Do you realize the lot of us already have vaccines in our systems against smallpox, rubella, etc. etc. and the reason why you don’t see many cases of these going around is BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS VACCINATED FOR THEM?!?!?

So why is getting the COVID-19 Vaccine so hard for some of you? I don’t get it. You were complaining when the pandemic first started, complained about the lockdowns, complained if you lost your jobs because of the lockdowns, but mostly complained and asked, “when is everything going to get back to normal?” Well, a solution is here, nay, TWO SOLUTIONS. Get the vaccine and keep wearing your mask around strangers and the unvaccinated until cases go down and we can start living a normal life again. But noooooo, you don’t want it because Fox News has been lying to you, giving you countless COVID-19 Vaccine misinformation, or you love Trump so much that getting the vaccine (EVEN THOUGH HE GOT THE JAB AWHILE AGO) and you’d feel like you’d be betraying him because he was “cheated out of the election,” or you aren’t getting it out of spite or “my body, my choice,” or “the government is putting chips in them to track us” (you have a phone, don’t you dumbass?) or “Freedumb,” or countless other lazy pathetic excuses that is just going to push and delay getting back to normal life by months, maybe even years.

The “My body, my choice” excuse should not be applied during the pandemic. I’m not going to get into abortion issues here, or whatever else that saying has been applied to over the years, I’m only going to get into the topic of it when it relates to getting the COVID-19 vaccine. Come on guys, do simple research, go to http://www.cdc.gov, the ONLY website you should be doing research about vaccines on, and try to learn that the vaccine may not just save your life, but your families, your friends, other loved ones, etc. etc. etc. Also, if are are trying to question my credibility on this subject, my wife is a nurse, she’s seen it first hand. I’ve heard a shit ton of horror stories AND vaccine saving life stories from her. And if you still don’t want to get the vaccine…well, there is nothing left to say except that you are probably one of THE MOST selfish people on the planet, and I feel sorry for you…until you end up contracting COVID and possibly be hospitalized and or die… and then possibly spreading it to your loved ones. Then, instead of feeling sorry for you…it’s now going to be one simple word: “Meh.”

“But what about those that can’t get the vaccine?” Can’t…or WON’T? Huge difference. Lately people have been telling me that they can’t get the vaccine, I ask them to elaborate, and that elaboration quickly turns into the WON’T definition more than it does the former. “Can’t” is only if your doctor and/or physician say that it isn’t a good idea for you to get the vaccine because you have adverse reactions to vaccines in general or some other medical condition. That is it, that is the only way that “Can’t” be applied. EVERYTHING else is “won’t.” And if you are really a “won’t” person, then again, you are one of the most selfish people on the planet, and I feel sorry for those around you that don’t feel safe because you aren’t doing everything as humanely possible in order to eradicate this disease. “But…but…vaccinated people can end up having a breakthrough case, still getting the disease and spreading it to others just as much as unvaccinated people.” THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE HALF OF THE COUNTRY IS UP THEIR OWN ASSES AND REFUSED TO GET THE VACCINE RIGHT AWAY. If everyone had gotten the vaccine as soon as humanely possible when it was available, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

And the reason I’m advocating for everyone to get the vaccine isn’t solely on movie release delays. That is a very distant #2 reason. My #1 reason is that I have a small four year old boy that isn’t eligible for the vaccine yet. But believe me, the day he is, he will be one of the first in line. Since small children aren’t eligible for a vaccine yet, we need to do everything possible TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN. If you refuse to get the vaccine, you are basically saying that you don’t give a shit about any of our children. I’m sorry but you are. So to those that are telling their unvaccinated loved ones that they are okay in your eyes if they refuse to get the vaccine…do you realize what you are really saying is that if this loved one doesn’t get the vaccine, ends up contracting COVID-19, the Delta Variant, spreads it to your children, and your children end up being hospitalized and/or die because of that person, YOU ARE SAYING YOU’D BE OKAY WITH THAT?!?!? “Well, that’s not what I….” No…bullshit, think again. If my child end up getting COVID-19 from an unvaccinated person, and he ended up hospitalized or even died…I don’t know what I would do. I can tell you this much, FORGIVING WOULD NOT BE AN OPTION.

I am not only blocking and throwing people out of my life just for the peace of mind of not having to get into arguments anymore with them. I’m blocking and throwing them out of my life because they are a risk to me, friends, family and loved ones around me, specifically my 4 year old son. “Well, why don’t you just keep your son at home more and not around people if you are that worried about it?” Oh okay, so my son doesn’t get to have a childhood because of morons that keep prolonging the pandemic? Yeah…that makes complete fucking sense. No, my child will go out and do activities in public, but he will be wearing a mask around strangers. And you know what? My 4 year old son is smart. He knows that something dangerous is going on around him. Do you think he complains about wearing a mask? No. He puts it on without complaint when told. Do you think he will complain getting two jabs when he is eligible so that he has a chance to live a full life? No. He won’t complain. So why are you?

I started my blocking and throwing people out of my life spree with a person, who I thought was a true friend to me, right before 2021 began. Have I regretted it since? Absolutely not. In the 8 months following, I realized that friend was not only toxic to my mind, but to my body, and I have felt this…freeing feeling ever since. I’m not depressed by what he thinks of me anymore. I don’t have this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t have this sickening feeling in my mind anymore. It is…liberating. He doesn’t respect me (for reasons unknown), so why should I keep on respecting him? I have come to realize that I should’ve thrown him out much sooner. I realized that he is the biggest hypocrite I have ever met. “Well, why don’t you talk to these people and try to convince them to be better people or convince them to get the vaccine.” BECAUSE THERE IS NO PERSUADING THEIR SELFISHNESS. If you have convinced someone who wasn’t going to get a jab to get one, first of all, good for you, secondly, they were already on the fence. I’m talking about people cemented onto their side of the line with no going back. This person, who I think actually got the vaccine, I didn’t unfriend him because of that, had cemented onto their side what he thought of me. He would’ve kept putting me down over the years, he would’ve kept making fun of me, he wouldn’t have changed. So…why should I be more forgiving toward that kind of behavior?

Why can’t all this blocking and throwing people out of our lives for our mental and bodily health apply to the unvaccinated unwilling to get a jab? I realize that some of you are more forgiving. But really? When we are in a pandemic, with thousands upon thousands of people dying because of a deadly disease that could’ve been controlled by now if everyone had immediately gone out and gotten either the Phizer or Moderna shots, WHERE IS THE GODDAMN LINE TO YOUR FORGIVENESS? You are essentially telling me there is no line? If you are…that is, very, very, very dangerous right now. So yes, I’m throwing people out of my life. Haven’t thrown out any family members yet because guess what? THEY ARE PRO-VACCINE and are already fully vaccinated and will get the booster shots when available. Sure, a couple of them are overdoing it with having family members, all vaccinated, still wear masks inside their homes, but at least they are pro-vaccine. The people that I’m throwing out of my life are peons. They are insignificant to the larger picture in my life. There have been a couple of significant ones, but when I think about it, not really. If you aren’t pro vaccine and pro “protecting those around you while trying to get life back to normal,” then you are anti-American. You are anti-humane. You are anti-life. And you need to rethink yourself before it is too late. Because, now more than ever, Karma’s a bitch.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPACE JAM – A NEW LEGACY (Spoilers Ahoy, Mateys!)

READY PLAYER SPACE JAM….errrr, I mean CYBERSPACE JAM…errr, I mean SPACE JAM: A NEW LEGACY is going to do to your kids in 2021, exactly what the original did to you as a child in 1996. They will see one of the most legendary sports players of all time going toe to toe with their favorite Looney Tunes characters to play the ultimate game of basketball with sight gags and cartoonish violence aplenty. They will instantly develop memberberries and claim that this film was their childhood in a bottle. But then in 25 years, that will be the year…2046? FUCK. In 2046, they will realize the movie doesn’t hold up, at all. And they will start to question not only their childhood sanity, but their current one.

Just to set things up, I watched the original Space Jam last week in preparation for today. I thought I remembered 1996 just like it was yesterday: seeing this film in the theater, in awe of how Michael Jordan reacted to cartoon drawings, loving all the zany antics & hilarity. Not knowing that Bill Murray’s 5 minute cameo would be what I would ultimately only remember vividly about the film. Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages…SPACE JAM DOES NOT HOLD UP. It has a bittersweet beginning with Michael Jordan and his father…it was emotional and sweet then in 1996 but it is now a bit bitter knowing that Jordan’s father was tragically murdered three years prior (our parents rightfully kept this sad shit from us when we were young).

But after that well done little opening, the film is all over the place. It’s not a terrible film by any means. When the film gets to Toon Town and the ‘ultimate game’, the entertainment ramps up to a watchable little romp. The new character of Lola Bunny was too cool for school and didn’t take any shit from bugs. The villain MonStars had a actual character arc. It pokes a little fun at Jordan wanting to play baseball. It has some other memorable scenes here and there (mainly Bill Murray). But…

  1. Michael Jordan can’t act his way out of a paper bag. He shows a little charm in some scenes but ultimately he looks like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, having a hard time interacting with what amounts to a green screen and tennis balls.
  2. The opening credits shamelessly put Jordan on a pedestal (small nitpick but I started rolling my eyes as a 35 year old adult when I re-watched it last week)
  3. There isn’t that much character development with anybody: Jordan realizes…teamwork? And maybe not to play baseball? The Tunes learn to…believe in themselves? I guess? Even though they believe in themselves in the old cartoons that they previously did?
  4. When compared to Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, which came out 8 years earlier, the animation and live action isn’t very impressive, especially on the court at the final game.
  5. Any scene with Newman from Seinfeld is unfunny, annoying, and you just want to punch him in the face.
  6. It needed more Danny DeVito voice work. And it needed more Looney Tunes focus & action (but is a masterpiece of focus when compared to this sequel)

I’m sure there is more but I’m trying to do a review of the sequel, so let’s get into it. To be fair, let’s just list the few positives this film has:

POSITIVES

  1. Don Cheadle
  2. The animation and live action blending here looks decent and uses modern technology to its fullest advantage.
  3. A Michael Jordan cameo that subverted expectations made me chuckle.
  4. A Rick and Morty 10 second cameo elicited the biggest laugh of the whole movie for me (I’m a huge fan)
  5. The film does have a couple of set ups and pay offs that worked, specifically dealing with an initial glitch in the son’s game he is designing at the beginning of the film.
  6. A couple of Looney Tunes sight gags here and there made me chuckle (one with the big red hairy Looney Tunes character and one with Wild E. Coyote made me laugh out loud).
  7. Don Cheadle

And that’s about it. I listed Don Cheadle twice because he looks like the only human participant in this picture that looks like they want to be there. He hams it up in every single frame he’s in and he looks like he’s having a grand old time. If he’s not, someone please give him a supporting Oscar nomination, because he could’ve fooled me. He’s also the only actor in the film that looks like an absolute pro talking to what is essentially a green screen and tennis balls.

Now, let’s list off the many, MANY negatives this film has:

  1. This movie is basically a giant Warner Bros. IP ploy. It just bukake’s everything under the WB logo and sun with every pop culture movie and tv character/property their banner owns. They show up EVERYWHERE. AND IT GETS VERY DISTRACTING. The attention is supposed to be on ‘the big game’, full of life and death stakes, but instead, character’s from The Mask, IT, Game of Thrones, Batman & Robin, Hanna Barbera, etc, etc, etc, show up and are clearly visible in the background that I ended up pointing them out to myself so much that I had to rewind the movie on HBO Max and make myself focus on what was happening on the court. How bad does it get? EVEN FUCKING RICK AND MORTY SHOW UP IN THIS FILM! At least the original film only had one pop culture reference that I didn’t get at the time, and that was to what is now my favorite movie of all time: Pulp Fiction. If you weren’t a fan of Ready Player One, the book and/or movie, because of the constant callbacks to other properties, prepare to REALLY, REALLY loathe this film.
  2. That being said, most of the movie relies on the Looney Tunes incorporating themselves into famous scenes and situations from Warner Bros. movies and tv shows like 8 Mile (the rap battle here is so fucking stupid), The Matrix, Casablanca, FUCKING MAD MAX FURY ROAD, the hard R rated film from George Miller, The Cartoon DC Universe etc. etc. etc. Not a spec of originality comes from the Tunes until the big game and even that was drowned out by all the sploodging of WB IP all over my fucking face.
  3. LeBron might have been one of the standouts of the Amy Schumer film Trainwreck, but here, he’s a literal trainwreck. He can’t act his way out of a smaller paper bag than Michael Jordan’s, and he doesn’t really seem like he wanted to be doing this. It screams paycheck. I know Michael Jordan can’t act but some charm at least seeped through in the original that showed he wanted to be in a movie that put him up on a pedestal. LeBron seems like he could care less as long as more money shows up in his hand at the end of it all.
  4. The opening credits, yet fucking again, puts LeBron up on a pedestal. I rolled my eyes twice as much as I did in the original Michael Jordan pedestal opening credits.
  5. There is literally no fucking character development here. What little there is, is just, “I need to pay attention to my son more, a son who doesn’t really want to play basketball. I also need to let him do his dream which is designing video games and not be such a hard ass.” And even that little message is muddled with all the Ready Player One bullshit that was going on around it.
  6. At least the MonStars in the original movie had an arc. They each had distinct personalities and realized they were being controlled by cartoon Danny DeVito too much and needed to branch out as toons on their own. Here the ‘Goon Squad villians’ have no story, no arc, they just show up for the final game with their God like special powers and say a few quips. That’s it. The villains in this, other than Don Cheadle, are completely ignored. And I understand that the villain players are basically just made up on the spot videogame entities created by LeBron James’ fictional son, but come on, some more humanity and back story go a long way. One of the few charms of the original film is that the MonStars steal the talent of real NBA players. And while the NBA players go on stupid hospital/therapy antics when they lose their talent in that movie, at least that was something. Here, it’s completely nothing.
  7. I like Zendaya as a person, actress, and celebrity but her voice does not match the character of Lola Bunny at all here. And it makes me enraged to think that the original voice actress for her (the one that voiced Lola in 1996) had recorded all of the dialogue as this film was being made, only to be dumped post production last minute and replaced by an A-List celebrity. For shame, Warner Bros. Let Zendaya do her Spider-Man and Euphoria thing and have ACTUAL VOICE TALENT VOICE YOUR FUCKING CARTOON CHARACTERS. You didn’t learn your lesson with last year’s SCOOB! and you certainly didn’t learn it here. They don’t need to be well known, they just need to be right for the part. Zendaya is on the opposite end of the spectrum from the right voice for the right character.
  8. Why the fuck is this movie even called Space Jam? At least the first movie they fucking played in FUCKING SPACE against SPACE ALIENS!!! Is it still called Space Jam because it’s supposed to be how much God damn server space that Warner Bros. has on all their IP properties? Why didn’t they just call it CYBERSPACE JAM?!? Either way, fuck that, I’d rather watch blood in my stool.
  9. Our lovable Looney Tunes are mostly in the background in this movie, in the deep deep shadow of Lebron James’ ego. In the original movie, all the main characters had a scene or two to shine. Not here. They are all amusing at times background screensavers as Lebron James doesn’t act right in front of our eyeballs.
  10. As one review on twitter put it: “Some of the reviews of SPACE JAM: A NEW LEGACY are missing the point. This movie wasn’t made for grown ups, it was made for kids. And if there’s one thing that kids today love, it’s references to Casablanca and A Clockwork Orange.” The reason why I see that a lot of kids might not like this film is the references that will go way over their head like the one above. I understand you can’t put in anything that references Disney but surely you could mention something more updated in these times for the younger crowd…
  11. Ummm…the movie gets very close to saying some naughty words that wouldn’t really fit the rating of this movie. Terms like “son of a glitch” is uttered (when uttered by Daffy Duck I honestly thought he said bitch for two seconds there). And there is one part where Don Cheadle is bleeped as he curses but I could almost clearly read his lips…And this was supposed to be a kids movie?
  12. Speaking of MonStars, they have a 2 second cameo that ruins their character development from the first movie, as they sigh and look depressed when the villains start to lose.
  13. LeBron James’ heartfelt climax speech to his son about his acceptance of his kid wanting to do other things other than basketball and also realizing he’s a shitty father is so cringe worthy it is sure to earn him a Razzie Nomination by the end of the year.
  14. There’s a “death”, “sacrifice”, what have you, that one of the main Looney Tunes characters make in order to win the big basketball game. Basically they risk deletion from the WB Server’s for good. At the beginning of the movie, a son does a specific basketball move with one of his players he created in the videogame he is making, and that move causes the game to crash and the character gets deleted. That is a set up for a pay off at the end of the movie to have a different character do that same move to win the game, but then get deleted. They set it up like LeBron James is going to sacrifice himself, but I knew one of the toons were going to take over and do it and I was seriously hoping it was going to be Pepe Le Pew. You didn’t see him the whole movie and then for him to just pop in the middle of the game would’ve been BOLD. That would’ve been a FUCKING BRILLIANT commentary on cancel culture and a smart and unique way to get rid of that character for good. But no, it’s another main toon. And that “death”, that “sacrifice” is completely null and void not 5 minutes later. You have this emotional scene with a character sacrificing sacrificing him/herself for his/her family (no, it’s not Dominic Toretto) and then act like it is permanent, only for the character to show up two scenes later and just shrug it off spouting, “I’m a cartoon, there’s no getting rid of me!” PATHETIC.

This review has gotten way too long, so let me end it with the following: If you are just a casual moviegoer that doesn’t get bothered by petty things, maybe one with a couple of young children to watch this with, or if you are still a no shame fan of the original, or if you suck down memberberries like Daniel Day Lewis does a hypothetical milkshake in There Will Be Blood, you might find some enjoyment out of Space Jam: A New Legacy.

But if you hated the constant memberberries ejaculating on your face in Ready Player One (novel or movie), if you hate LeBron James, if you didn’t care for the original film back in 1996 and/or don’t care for it present day when you finally grew a brain and learned better, if you are wanting just a bunch of fun and entertaining Looney Tunes antics like you’ve been getting with the charming HBO Max television reboot that has two seasons thus far on the streaming service (please watch that instead)…then you are going to want to avoid this like the Delta variant of COVID-19.

Grades for Both Films:

Space Jam – A New Legacy: 3 out of 10

Space Jam: 9 out of 10 (in 1996), 6 out of 10 (on a re watch in 2021)

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: My Ranking Of THE FAST SAGA

UPDATED 7/21/2021: F9 THE FAST SAGA IS NOW INCLUDED W/ AN EXPLANATION WHY IT IS WHERE IT IS!!!

Hello again! Since big big movies are finally starting to slowly trickle their way back into movie theaters, I am here to let you know that I am still only doing mainly smaller 3-4 sentence Background reviews that I am posting on my Facebook page Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews, on my Instagram @zachszanymoviereviews, and my newly relaunched Twitter @zachzanyreviews. BUT…every now and then, like the Friends Reunion review about two weeks ago, I’d like to do something special, like now, and do a ranking of THE FAST SAGA before F9 is released on June 25th, and then I will update the list shortly after I see the film (NOW UPDATED 7/21/2021). I just rewatched all 8 previous movies + Hobbs & Shaw, so I’d like to think that this list is final in a way. Anyway, my rankings from lowest to highest are before you, with a little explanation on why I put them where I put them!

10. F9: THE FAST SAGA

If you go down to the next ranking, you’ll see why I had initially put that movie last on my list because “I realized I didn’t give a shit about any of the other characters.” With F9, I not only didn’t give a shit about ANY of the characters, but everything was so bonkers unbelievable Looney Tunes bullshit, that none of the characters, even John Cena, had any sort of believable character arc, I didn’t care who lived or who died, and I was laughing at literally almost every other bat shit crazy action sequence. Han’s return from the grave was absolutely horseshit, and oh God, don’t get me started on Tyrese and Ludacris going into space. I cringed every time it would switch to them near the end of the movie and laugh when my brother, who I saw this with just for the laughs, started laughing. Also, I had said on the #9 ranking that ‘visually the movie looks nice but there is almost no substance here to hold on to.” There is NO SUBSTANCE here, and the movie wasn’t visually nice…at all. It’s as if they rushed through production just to get a product out on time, but because of COVID, wasn’t nearly on time as they thought, was it? They couldn’t have done some reshoots after delaying the film for over a year? Clean up some of the spotty CGI? That’s really hard to believe. The main problem with this movie? Letting Justin Lin co-write the script and not bringing Chris Morgan back, who has wrote nearly all of the movies in the franchise. And while I didn’t care for The Fate of The Furious or Hobbs & Shaw (Morgan wrote both of these), everything that happens in those movies are masterpieces in believability when you compare it to this giant waste of space. I can’t see how the final two movies in the saga could get any worse, but hey, seeing how I couldn’t stand this movie…it’s entirely possible that family could fuck it up beyond repair. This isn’t beyond repair…but it’s close.

9. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT

You thought it was going to be 2 Fast 2 Furious or Fast & Furious here huh? Nope. I’m going with Tokyo Drift. My last choice is a very controversial one to fans of the franchise, as this entry has gotten more love over the years. But when I watched it again a week or two ago, I realized that I didn’t give a shit about any other character in the movie other than Han, who isn’t really in the film all that much anyway (**spoiler alert** especially because he *dies* a little over midway thru the movie, and we now know the death is bullshit based on his character just magically showing up unscathed in F9 trailers and tv spots). I don’t like Lucas Black’s character, Lil’ Bow Wow’s character, and I can’t even tell you the name of the love interest’s character or the name of the actress that plays her (nor do I really want to look it up). Other than a mildly interesting opening car race and climatic giant hill drift race, the rest of the movie, other than Han’s character few lines of wisdom (let’s face it, nobody really paid his character any attention until the incredible Fast Five), is very dull, boring, and frankly, stupid. Visually the movie looks nice but there is almost no substance here to hold on to. How director Justin Lin got the job to direct four more movies (2 of them the best of the series) in the franchise and it not sizzle out there is astonishingly shocking.

8. 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS

The only thing that keeps 2 Fast 2 Furious above water from time to time is the chemistry between Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson. I also like the race to win better cars for their mission midway through the film. Eva Mendes also is hot as hell in the movie. Other than that, ho-hum at best. I don’t even know if Vin Diesel being a part of the story would’ve helped matters, as the standard “bust the bad guy” plot is very, very dull, boring, and stupid. Again, visually, the movie looks nice and bright but other than the camaraderie between the two leads, again…no substance. John Singleton should’ve said no to directing.

7. FAST & FURIOUS

The really only thing that is noble about the 4th entry in the Fast & Furious franchise is that it brings back all the original central players in a bridge movie that no one new would lead to one of the greatest sequels of all time. Their chemistry and being back into the swing of things is the only slight notch this film has over the last two movies on this list. The last three could easily be shuffled over re watches but will always be the last three, unless F9 sucks a big dick. “Killing” off Letty (we didn’t know at the time that it would turn out to be bullshit when F6 came along) was lazy, stupid shock value writing at its worst. Mia just gives herself to Brian after only one scene of being pissed at him, and the climatic cave race to the death is so fucking fake looking you wonder why Justin Lin even agreed to return as director. This movie is usually at the bottom of all lists because of how fake everything looks and the ho-hum bridge to a better movie story, but for me, it’s slightly above the bottom just because the movie’s producers got the band back together again. P.S. Vin Diesel saying “pussy” to a bad guy as his one liner at the end of the film is almost unforgivable.

6. THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

This and #5 could be switched around if I ever…ever come back to giving these yet another rewatch, but The Fate of the Furious gets the short end of the stick here because none of the action is memorable other than Dwayne Johnson steering a submarine torpedo off course with his arm, hanging off the side of his vehicle in a massively overdone ice chase. You don’t cast Charlize Theron as the villain and have her behind a desk the entire film. And whenever Johnson and Vin Diesel have scenes together, it feels so off kilter because you know that behind the scenes drama led to them not really having any scenes together, it’s all just blatantly edited movie magic…because egos. And changing Jason Statham from a villain to an anti-hero just because the franchise is afraid of killing anyone off that famous is stupid and then when you put that together with the Luke Evans’ cameo, where he ends up saving the life of **spoiler alert** Vin Diesel’s love child, changing his villain character from part 6 into an anti-hero as well (not to mention being out of a coma so suddenly) is just down right God damn abysmal. The very beginning of the movie where they do another street race is a strong opening highlight, but the rest of the action sequences look too CGI’y and I just didn’t care about the stakes. I get that making a “Diesel versus his team” movie was too irresistible to ignore…but separating the group like that just doesn’t work (whether that plot turn was because Johnson and Diesel still hated each other around that time is anyone’s guess). I guess now they know huh? So why isn’t this lower the the last three on this list? Because even though the action isn’t memorable, it is watchable. The other movies the action isn’t really that watchable.

5. FAST & FURIOUS PRESENTS: HOBBS & SHAW

Or the movie Vin Diesel doesn’t want existing in the franchise and doesn’t want YOU to see! Hobbs & Shaw is only okay, and that’s only because the chemistry between Johnson and Statham is electrifying and I love me any kind of Idris Elba, even if his “Black Superman” villain is really not all that menacing or memorable. The action was a little too goofy here for me even though it was all watchable and mildly entertaining. Even though the action was too goofy, all of the sequences, from the climax, to the elevator chase, when put together, beat out any of the action sequences from my #6 pick, to my bottom pick, combined. Would I have preferred that this movie didn’t exist as well so that Statham and Johnson could’ve been in an already too packed F9? Yeah, actually. Unless a Hobbs & Shaw 2 is so overwhelmingly good, this movie could’ve honestly not been made and the only thing I would’ve missed was any Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham screen time.

4. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS

Okay, so by the end of June there will be 10 movies on this list? If F9 is any good whatsoever, that will mean that The Fast Saga has half excellent to good movies, and half okay to downright blah ones (UPDATED 7/21/2021, it’s not, The Fast Saga has more blah movies than good ones). So until that movie comes out and I can give a true verdict of its value, that means that The Fast Saga has more misses than hits…yikes. Well, the first “hit” on my list is the original. The most grounded (obviously) of all the Fast and Furious movies. The one that made both Vin Diesel and Paul Walker household names. Where it was nothing but street races, vandalism, grand theft auto, and small high speed heists for a bunch of (now) low-tech electronic equipment. But just watching it again recently, the film still holds up because of the characters and the opening street race still gives me chills, especially, after having lost the race, Brian points at Dom and says, “dude, I almost had you” with a smile on his face, even though he just lost his car. It’s the simple things really, and since this movie is so simple, it still has that nice sheen and shine to it that is unlikely to become tarnished anytime in the years to come.

3. FURIOUS 7

I had a really hard time with ranking my 2 and 3 picks. On the one hand, Furious 7 has a lovingly, if you don’t tear up during it you have no soul, tribute to the late Paul Walker, who tragically died in a car wreck (he was not the driver) when the cast was on a break from filming during Thanksgiving. On the other hand, Fast and Furious 6 has Paul Walker’s final completed performance, and almost any scene that blatantly isn’t Paul Walker in this movie is very noticeable and distracting as fuck. On a third hand, they did the absolute best with what they had already filmed with him, and the movie magic they were given (which included uses Paul’s brothers as body doubles and CGI’ing his face onto them) to give his character closure. And Jason Statham is fucking BAD ASS in this movie. And the cars parachuting from a plane and the subsequent long ass chase action scene in the middle of the movie is superb. And even though the climax is poorly edited with hardly any real Paul Walker footage, it is faced paced, entertaining and exciting. But I still have to give 6 the edge because of Walker’s completed performance and the three main action sequences…

2. FAST AND FURIOUS 6

which are almost perfectly filmed, edited, and executed. You have the near beginning chase sequence with the short, tiny, yet oddly personable and satisfying villain vehicles that can fling bigger vehicles up and over them, you have the breath taking climax with the never ending runway and the plane that the team doesn’t want to take off, and you have the extremely memorable, and laugh out loud (in a good way) action sequence in the middle of the film involving not only a tank, but a death and gravity defying mid way highway overpass life saving catch involving two of the main characters. It’s that goofy yet great, and even though the previous movie is the masterpiece that got the franchise back on track, this one was almost near perfect in replicating that sheer “I can’t believe this is a down the line sequel that is better than anything that came before it” joy that I can experience in a theater. This and my #1 pick shows why Justin Lin, when given the correct material, can make great action movie spectacles.

  1. FAST FIVE

If you don’t have FAST FIVE at #1 or #2 on your ranking of The Fast Saga list, something is seriously wrong with you. They flipped a franchise, that was essentially only about which engines in which car was better mixed with testosterone, and turned it into an action heist mission series. Unbelievable how perfect this movie is. The opening train heist sequence? Masterful. The sequence mid way through the film running through the streets of Rio de Janiero? Masterful. The climax of the safe heist, where two cars are pulling a giant safe down the busy streets of Rio de Janiero? Masterful on top of masterful and easily the best action sequence the entire saga has to offer. I’ve seen Fast Five the most out of any film in the saga, and I honestly think it gets better every time I watch it. The movie is perfectly paced, plotted, and executed. I don’t think they could ever make a better entry. If you want a solid trilogy out of the 9 films thus far, Fast Five, Fast and Furious 6, and Furious 7 fit the bill, and it even somewhat has a beginning, middle and end if you wanted to JUST WATCH THOSE THREE AND FORGET THE REST. My top three picks are the reason why I end up loving this franchise, even if all 9 parts together only really get me a decent Hyundai.

ZACH’S ZANY TV SPECIAL REVIEWS: FRIENDS – THE REUNION (HBO MAX)

If you are a die hard Friends fan like I am, and you can’t really see through the glitz and glamour of what the producers of this special have given you…if wool is constantly covering your eyes and you don’t nitpick shit to death just so that your vision of “crystal clear” is happening while you are watching something you were eagerly anticipating, well then, feel lucky, because FRIENDS: THE REUNION is right up your alley. And if you aren’t fans of the show, well, you already know this isn’t for you.

Let this review come with a warning. Not only are my wife and I die hard Friends fans, but we could kick any of your asses in a trivia contest of the show. We have watched the entire series maybe 6 to 7 times over and can quote lines that don’t come up for another couple of scenes. We have the Lego sets of Central Perk and the recently new released one of the Apartments. We have Funko pops of them, we have trivia games on the show that are so tedious and boring because it doesn’t challenge us. So needless to say, if you tried to one up us on your knowledge of the show, you better bring your A plus game.

But I digress, I’m back to one of my rare longer reviews today (the last one I did was maybe the best & worst films of 2020 5 months ago), but hopefully not too long, to tell you that I didn’t think the Friends Reunion was all that special. And it wasn’t because of our six famous friends, Courteney Cox, David Schwimmer, Lisa Kudrow, Jennifer Aniston, Matt LeBlanc, & Matthew Perry. They were great, and whenever they were all on screen, just telling stories & reminiscing, it was wonderful. That alone is why I’m giving the whole thing a passing grade, because those parts (and the interviews with the shows creators, behind the scenes footage, and the tales of how they got cast for the roles in the first place) are wonderful. It’s the bullshit filler, it’s fucking annoying James Corden as the host, it’s the blink and you’ll miss them cameos from recurring guests like Maggie Wheeler, Tom Selleck & Elliot Gould (they are literally there for less than a minute), it’s the random celebrity cameos WHO HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FUCKING SHOW WHEN IT AIRED & it’s the complete absence of PAUL RUDD EVEN BEING MENTION LET ALONE NOT SHOWING UP…that made this thing an only one time watch for me.

This could’ve been 5 to 6 hours of just the cast (& special guests and recurring cast members that were on/had to do with the show) on the set of Central Perk, or in their apartment sets, or even the fountain location, or a mix match of them all, just talking and reminiscing, and it would’ve been better than what we got here. Sure, there are highlights like the cast actually playing the game again from the episode “The One With The Embryos” (my personal favorite episode), but it is short lived and doesn’t go on for very long. Instead, there were was too much filler. There was too many old clips of the show that I’ve seen a dozen times before. Now don’t get me wrong, showing takes that didn’t make it (for example, Matt LeBlanc’s arm coming out of his socket in the episode “The One Where No One’s Ready) and seeing them react to old bloopers was great, I’m talking about the parts where they are re-doing scenes from classic episodes in a new round table. Instead of just letting the cast do their thing and watching them try to become these characters again on their own (but much older), they inter splice their new performances w/old clips from the show. Hey dumbass producers, any Friends uber fan would know how they performed it back then, we just want to see them solely perform it again now. We don’t need those old clips spliced in as member berries, it ruins their performance that they are trying to complete now. (By the way, Lisa Kudrow was the best of them all, able to slip into character with the high pitch noises so easily even though she’s 57 years old now).

But what was most annoying was the bullshit filler. I’m talking about either:

A. Celebrities like David Beckham or Mindy Kaling, who were never on the show and had nothing to do with its production, telling us what the show meant to them

B. Random fucking people around the world who were never on the show and had nothing to do with its production, telling us what the show meant to them

C. Dumb fucking cameos from Cara Delevigne, Cindy Crawford, or Justin Fucking Beiber (WHO AGAIN HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SHOW! The only extended interview cameo they got right was Reese Witherspoon)

When put together, all those stupid interviews and footage probably consisted of 20 to 30 minutes of the 1 hr 40 minute special…where instead we should’ve just got another 20 to 30 minutes of the core cast just shooting the shit. Listen, I DO NOT GIVE TOO SHITS OF WHAT DAVID BECKHAM, MINDY KALING, OR SOME RANDOM WOMAN FROM CHINA THINK ABOUT THE SHOW OR HOW IT IMPACTED THEIR LIVES. I care about the fucking core cast and how they all got along so well without any drama for 10 straight years. You don’t hear about that shit happening anymore…well that’s not true, I heard The Office pulled off that feat too, and the Seinfeld cast did it, and the It’s Always Sunny gang are still going strong…but still. We still have all 6 core cast alive, and you have them in a room together again? And for the last time? STICK WITH ONLY THEM!

And why fucking James Corden as host? Hasn’t he been controversial as shit lately with his choice of roles and outside fame behavior? Why him? You know what would’ve been the icing on the cake? Fucking Paul Rudd being the host. I guarantee you if the producers would’ve paid him the same amount of $ that they paid the core cast to come back here one last time, he would’ve fucking done it. And you don’t have Janice, Richard, Gunther, Mr. Heckles, or Monica’s parents just to show up for two seconds to say hi. You bring them in for about 10 minutes each to discuss what they love so much about being on the show and share stories as well. I do not care about someone that is currently fucking Posh Spice to say why he rewatches the series every now and then. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. It should’ve been Paul Rudd as host and the just core cast, recurring special guests and creators in a multi set sit down, just reminiscing. God damn it that would’ve been something spectacular.

And I know some of you were wanting a true reunion special. What I mean is a scripted hour or two hour long episode, with a story line that updates their characters and where they are at (although the reunion briefly touches upon what the cast think their characters would be up to now, which was brief but nice). But we don’t need an episode like that, because the Friends ending was perfect. And to those Gen Z’ers that said that Rachel gave up her dream job for a man, go fucking fuck yourself. She gave up her dream job for HER FAMILY to be together. Not just her, Emma and Ross, but Monica, Chandler, Phoebe & Joey as well (let’s pretend that Joey didn’t move to California and have a shitty two season abysmal spin off series). Rachel, as a character, truly transcended those 10 seasons where she could’ve gotten any big job she wanted back in New York. Fuck your whiny ass woke shit. I’m tired of it.

But if there were an episode, pray tell me, how would it work? They all moved out of their respective apartments, save for Ross and Joey (if you don’t count the spin off series), so you couldn’t really have them in Monica’s Purple apartment again. I don’t know, I’m just glad they left well enough alone. I had an idea if they did do a true reunion special, and I’ll go ahead and share it since I’m just blabbing at this point. If they did a true reunion show, it should’ve went “Bo Peep, Toy Story 4 style”, and maybe had given the character of Joey a proper ending. Although the episode couldn’t have happened now, but instead maybe 7 years ago, on the 10th anniversary of the show ending. It could’ve have Joey still in show business but just getting these odds and ends supporting roles that didn’t really give him anything to do. But suddenly, he’s offered the role of a lifetime that could use his acting talents to his advantage for once, there is only one problem. The movie script is about an older male going through a mid life crisis, and Joey still feels like he has enough youth left in him that he doesn’t want to leave younger roles behind & be type cast as an older actor. So the Friends get together in New York to push Joey to just accept the role and move on from the past. He accepts the movie, and he gets nominated for a bunch of awards & finally gets taken seriously as an actor, even though he hasn’t lost any of his charm. And without ruining any of the other characters, you could have had minor side stories with the other core cast. You could have Monica & Chandler try to visit whoever is living in her purple apartment now, and when they get a look inside, it is messy as fuck and Monica, Chandler, and their 10 year old kids clean it up but they remodel it to basically look like it did before. You could have Mike and Phoebe with a couple of kids of their own, and maybe he or she has some kind of a job offer where they would move out of New York. Maybe the same for Ross & Rachel, but instead where maybe Carol, Susan & Ben are going to move across the country and whether or not they should keep their whole family together. It all has to do with letting go of the past to move onto something new. Something simple, and nothing that completely alters the ending of the original series, but to just give Joey a proper ending, and some other side characters too like Carol, Susan & Ben.

But I digress, that was a pipe dream of mine and it will never happen. I’m here reviewing the reunion special we got and will just conclude my rant by saying that while I was disappointed in it (quite a bit at certain points), I still enjoyed watching it for the most part…but I just wish it was better planned out. I mean, the whole thing was fucking delayed a year by the God damn fucking pandemic…you are telling me they couldn’t have looked at what they had planned and made a couple of changes? This seemed a little last minute put together. Oh well. The special didn’t ruin the original show, it just made me want to watch it all over again for the 7th or 8th time and isn’t that what truly matters?

6.5 out of 10

Zach’s Zany FINAL Top 20 Films Of 2020

Hello again so soon! You probably saw this longer post coming though, as I had posted little mini blurbs for my final shittiest films of 2020 list last week. If you are a long time follower of my reviews, best of/worst of lists, what not, you’ll know that my final picks, on both lists, are very rare right before the start of the new year. Usually I will post my worst of list a week or two into January, and then my best of list the last week of January. This is because some 2020 films that qualify for the Oscars are only released in New York and LA right before the end of the year and aren’t available to the little people like me until mid January. As as we all know, this year has been quite strange because of the virus that shall not be named. There are a lot of “Best of 2020” films on mainstream critics list that you won’t see on here and you wouldn’t have seen me review the past couple of months either…mainly because they don’t release to the general public until late next month, or fuck, even late February because of the minor delay in not only the Golden Globes telecast, but the Academy Awards extending 2020 eligibility until late February this oh so special shitty year. I made the decision early on that you won’t see films like Pieces of a Woman, Nomadland, One Night In Miami, and French Exit on my lists because I don’t want to give you a best of 2020 list in late February. Because of the virus that shall not be named, you can’t even see the once blurry line separating one year’s films to the next anymore.

So from now on, even after this whole bullshit virus that shall not be named situation has went away, I will be counting films that I see that are released each year between January 1st 12:01 am and December 31st 11:59 pm central standard time on my lists. If I see a movie that was released between that ‘EXACTLY A YEAR’ period AFTER THAT PERIOD, I will still review them, but not put them on any lists because I don’t feel like pulling my hair out changing them. There are some movies that I don’t want to push off my lists even for other that are better or worse at that point. For example, I plan to see Monster Hunter with my good friend Josh on January 1st. It came out December 18th. So even if it is a giant piece of shit, the shittiest shit I have ever seen, it will not be on my 2020 or 2021 worst list. It’s just a shitty movie I’ve seen stuck in between the blur of all the other shitty movies I’ve seen in my life time that is one giant blur in itself. Another example for a potential great movie, when Nomadland eventually releases in February, and if I actually love the film, it will now be counted on my 2021 best of list. Not 2020. Because of this stupid fucking release schedule. Because these movies MUST be shown in theaters apparently and not just released on streaming for shitty, selfish, and greedy reasons. Everyone has had to adapt this year, and so am I, but on MY TERMS. Anyway, what am I doing still yapping about my rules? You’ve come to read my stupid little blurbs on movies that I’ve done reviews on already earlier in the year. Little blurbs explaining why these films are in my FINAL Top 20 of 2020 list. I promise you that I will not overstay my welcome on most of my small explanations. This is just backing up the list that you saw published a day or so ago on Facebook and Instagram with paperwork.

BLACKJACK 21: BORAT SUBSEQUENT MOVIE FILM and THE WRETCHED

So instead of a giant, long honorable mentions list, each year I do a “BLACKJACK 21” where, just like a Blackjack perfect 2 card hand, I pick 2 movies that I felt horrible for kicking off my Top 20 list that I would still like to give praise to.

When I first watched BORAT SUBSEQUENT MOVIE FILM, I laughed my fucking ass off and wanted to sing the praises of the performance that Maria Bokolova made as Borat’s daughter. And it was on my top 20 list for the last two months. Unfortunately for it, and other comedies of its kind, in subsequent viewings, the movie doesn’t quite hold up as well as it did on that first hilarious outing. You start to see the cracks in the film, such as Borat doesn’t really trick that many real people into saying really horrible shit this time around. And finding out that some sequences were staged more than you thought they were doesn’t help either. But, Maria Bokolova’s performance and the character arc of Borat accepting and loving his daughter even though she is a woman, worked better as a story than it did in the original, even though the original’s pranks and laughs still hold up and are much stronger than this sequel’s is. But I still wanted to give Sascha Baron Cohen some praise for making me laugh really hard initially in this shitty shitty year.

And now THE WRETCHED or “The little low budget horror film that could that made a boat load of money in drive-in theaters when regular theaters were closed due to the virus that shall not be named.” It’s actually a decent film and the reason why I mainly wanted to sing it’s praises even though it’s not on my top twenty list, is because after subsequent viewings, the movie is still scary and creepy as fuck, and THAT TWIST ENDING. The twist at the end makes the whole movie, as I hadn’t ever seen a twist like that before and the little tiny clues hinting at it throughout are wonderful to catch after multiple viewings. Quite brilliant. If my list were to extend, The Wretched would probably be #21 and Borat 2 would be #22. I think though they make a perfect movie Blackjack hand for a year where it seemed like the house always won. In this case, the house is the virus that shall not be named.

20. THE HUNT

Let’s call this film the little political commentary that could, shall we? This film has somehow managed to survive my list, even though it came out all the way back in March (then again there are 5 others that have as well, a couple even before March). It also was one of the last couple of films to hit theaters right before the virus that shall not be named shut them all down. When I first saw it, in a theater thankfully, I thought it was good, but not great. But after 3 or 4 subsequent viewings, viewing it each time with a new audience by my side, and getting all the little tidbits and jokes that I somehow didn’t catch before, it turned into a great 90 minute thrill ride.

19. BAD EDUCATION

The only movie on my list that probably should be considered a made for television movie (it was nominated for Emmy’s and not Oscar’s after all). It premiered on HBO exclusively, but you know what? Fuck it, it’s THAT type of year, and I decided that I enjoyed it so, so much (Hugh Jackman gives one of the best performances of his career), and the fact that it was once initially supposed to go to theaters but I think was bought by HBO even before the pandemic, that I’m including it on my list here. It’s a very enjoyable dramedy that is better watched if you don’t know anything about the real life event it is depicting.

18. BIRDS OF PREY: HARLEY QUINN

Yeah, I could spell out the whole title, but 2020 has made me lazy, so fuck it, you know what movie I’m talking about. This movie is one of those to hit theaters a little bit before the shut down that managed to survive my list (this pick used to be Bad Boys For Life, but after subsequent viewings of both, Birds of Prey easily holds up better). Margot Robbie IS HARLEY QUINN. And the more realistic and smaller, more down to Earth, story/vibe that takes place in the bigger DCEU is a delight to behold. And the plot revolving around the catalyst and need for the perfect breakfast egg sandwich? Brilliant.

17. THE LODGE

I’ll put this simply, if you love or hate mostly psychological horror movies like Hereditary and/or Midsommar, you will love or hate The Lodge. If Ari Aster had made this, it would’ve been a perfect horror seasonal trilogy. For right now it is a spiritual horror seasonal trilogy until Ari Aster’s third film comes out. A dark and brooding horror in the winter time with an insane twist.

16. FATMAN

Mel Gibson plays Santa Claus in a realistic down to Earth dark world where a little shit spoiled rich child hires a hitman, played by Walton Goggins, to bring him Santa’s head because he’s pissed he got a lump of coal in his stocking for Christmas. THAT’S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW FOR WHY THIS MOVIE IS ON MY LIST.

15. FREAKY

A entertaining as fuck new spin on the body switch movie by turning it into a Friday the 13th like horror film. It also holds a fantastic performance by Vince Vaughn, and one of the few movies to be released in theaters after they re opened up after shut down. Easy-peasy why this film is on my list.

14. LOVE AND MONSTERS

This was supposed to release Feb 2021, but Paramount upped the date and put it on streaming so they could cash in on people being bored at home. They made the right decision. The movie is entertaining as hell and probably got more eyes on it than if it would have premiered in theaters this next uncertain 2021. I loved every minute of it. Fantastic creature effects.

13. LET HIM GO

Close in its release date to Freaky, Let Him Go also managed to push past the storm and release in theaters after they reopened after the shut down. A modern day Western drama and part thriller that tells a simple story of a couple of grandparents loving their grandson so much that they want to get him away from the dangerous family he’s currently living with ( their son died and his wife married an abusive asshole). This filmed touched my soul because of my parents everlasting love to my son, their grandson, Grayson. The whole movie reminded me of them. It also had some stand up and cheer kill moments in the third act that made me emotional as well.

12. THE GENTLEMEN

The earliest released film of 2020 that is on this list, Guy Ritchie has easily made his best gangster film and general film since Snatch and made up for the very shitty Disney Aladdin remake he had his hand in in 2019. ‘Nuff said.

11. PROMISING YOUNG WOMAN

The first of three very recently released movies on this list, Promising Young Woman also braved the theaters during these hard times and managed to turn the comedic revenge drama on its head with not only a powerful performance by Carey Mulligan but a gut punch of a twist ending that you won’t see coming. It will make you or break you, and since it is on this list, it obviously made me.

10. THE INVISIBLE MAN

Another film that hit theaters a little bit before everything shut down. Leigh Whannell managed to give us his best combo written and directed film yet with some expert camera shots, a slap in the face twist scene in the middle of the film that you won’t see coming, and an expertly written ending. Oh, and another wonderful performance by Elizabeth Moss.

9. THE DEVIL ALL THE TIME

This film is either really great for some people, or really meh to the rest. I’m in the great category. This film reminded me of some fantastic dramas of the 90s like Sleepers and The Shawhsank Redemption. One of Netflix’s best original films ever released for sure.

8. SYNCHRONIC

A film that not only braved the storm and released in theaters after reopening, but doubled down by not simultaneously releasing on streaming, in fact, as of this writing, there is no place to watch it (it comes out to buy, rent and stream finally January 12th). But please do watch it eventually, and don’t let anyone ruin the story for you, even though as a hint of what it’s about, it has a tiny tiny….VERY VERY TINY bit in common with my #1 pick on this list. They both do different things with their similar concepts is all I will say.

7. SPONTANEOUS

The best romantic drama of 2020 that has all along tried to be labeled as a romantic comedy, even though it’s story is about a group of students in the same year class at a high school that spontaneously combust into bloody explosions for no reason. A very well written and smart film that I guess you could also label as the best film of 2020 that has a pandemic like plot structure, even though it was made WAYYYYYY before the pandemic in 2019. Excellent performance by 13 Reasons Why’s Katherine Langford as well.

6. WONDER WOMAN 1984

Fuck the haters, I love this film. If you are one of the ones bashing it to death, then you ARE A FUCKING SIMPLETON. I don’t care, I said it. You want to be one of those little assholes that only like your superhero films with clear cut good guys and bad guys in an all out brawl at the end of the film? Be my God damn guest. I want something different, and this “Monkey’s Paw/Wish Upon A Wonder Woman” story fit that bill for me. I’m tired of the same ol’ same ol’ action sequence upon action sequence trying to save the world from a giant baddie story. It’s been done to death. Fuck some of you simpletons. Seriously.

5. THE TRIAL OF THE CHICAGO 7

An Aaron Sorkin written and directed fantastic dialogue court room drama about a startling event in our nation’s history. You can ALWAYS sign me up for that stuff.

4. SOUL

If there is a clear cut winner this year of film releases, it really isn’t the writer and director of my #1 pick, it’s Disney/Pixar. That’s because, spoiler alert for my list: my #3 pick is also Disney/Pixar. They managed to release two soulful (pun intended) animated films that hit me in the feels with every single frame and made me choke up and bawl with happiness in their climaxes (not to mention Disney basically won my heart already with the 2nd near perfect season of The Mandalorian). One movie asks the question: what is our purpose in life? The other is about family and brotherly love. The latter wins because it made me think of my brothers and my son Grayson and I haven’t cried like that during a film since the end of E.T. I cried just a little at the end of this one though. They are really tied with how well made and thought provoking they are.

3. ONWARD

This came out right before theaters shut down as well. And it didn’t make that much money it’s opening weekend because of the giant fear the virus that will not be named was starting to invoke with people. Fuck that shit, I still saw it in theaters and if you want to know the reason why it is #3 on my list, read my description of #4 again. I love you Disney/Pixar. Always have, always will.

2. PALM SPRINGS

Who fucking knew that a ANDY SAMBERG starring film, one that was also released as a HULU AND NOT NETFLIX ORIGINAL would be #2 on my best of list? Seriously, not even I could’ve predicted that. This films plays with the Groundhog Day formula the best I’ve seen since that original Bill Murray film. It’s funny, touching, smart, funny, well acted, emotional, funny, hilarious, hilarious, hilarious, fun, and did I already mention funny? It’s everything that one needs in a comedy. And it holds up perfectly on multiple repeating viewings.

  1. TENET

Which brings us to my #1 pick, the most non-shocking pick of them all if you even know me well at all…Christopher Nolan’s new time concept thriller. The man loves to play with time. Memento, Interstellar, my favorite film of all time; Inception. He’s a master of the ‘What If Time Were Like This’ concepts. Here is no different. Just like my #6 pick, fuck the haters on this one too. You fucking simpletons either didn’t like it and gave it a bad review for one of several stupid reasons:

a. you were pissed that Christopher Nolan said fuck the pandemic, didn’t have his film release delayed any more and just put it out into theaters even though they were still shut down in New York and California (FUCK YOU CUOMO AND NEWSOM, I HOPE YOU CONTRACT THE VIRUS AND DIE). EVEN THOUGH NOT ONE OUTBREAK OF THE VIRUS HAS BEEN LINKED TO A REOPENED THEATER AND THEIR SAFETY PROTOCOLS AND CLEANLINESS HAVE BEEN TOP NOTCH EVER SINCE THEY REOPENED IN LATE JUNE. AGAIN, FUCK YOU ALL.

b. you didn’t understand the film, because you are a stupid motherfucking dumb ass simpleton. Yeah, again, I said it. Fuck you.

c. again, you are just that stupid and petty

Granted the sound editing and mixing could’ve been better in theaters, but this movie is still a masterpiece in my mind. I’ve seen it multiple times now and I still don’t get bored with any second of it. The regular editing of this film is perfect, the fact that there are less than 300 special effect shots in this is astonishing, almost all practical effects…just wow. That’s all I have left to say: WOW.

If you aren’t one of the simpletons mentioned above, thanks for reading. I’m just going to end it there. Saying anything about how 2021 should be is a jinx in itself. Just keep watching those movies, no matter how they are released…as long as they are released! NO. MORE. DELAYS!

Zach’s Zany FINAL Top 20 Shittiest Films of 2020 (A year that is the epitome of shit)

As Obi-Wan Kenobi would say, “Hello there.” Yes, after a little longer than a month now, I’m back to writing something a bit longer than the little review blurbs that I have been putting out on Facebook and Instagram recently. If you were used to reading my stuff on here and wondering where the hell I’ve been, I’ve been still doing reviews, but on a much smaller scale, two to three sentences, with a number grade of 0 to 10 at the end (have even gone into negative numbers if I truly loathed a film this year). I just got…tired…of saying the same old shit. “Yay,” this movie was good, “boo,” it was bad. No matter what kind of spin I put on my descriptive words, it all boiled down to the same thing. I don’t know why I just stopped, I guess 2020 has finally made me tired after all these years. I also figured I would have a lot more time in my life if I made my thoughts short and simple. If you are bummed about that, I’m sorry…but you can always follow or like my Facebook page, Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews, or you can follow me on Instagram @zachszanymoviereviews. The choice is yours, and I’d be happy to give you a follow back on your business Facebook page or Instagram page if you come randomly give me a follow or like. Fuck Twitter, I got rid of that bullshit two months ago, and I don’t regret it. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I think two social media options are enough for those that know me. But don’t worry, every once in a while I will come back. Like now. I know this is a little early but I’ve calculated what I have left to watch by New Year’s Eve and I figured it was pretty safe to go ahead and publish this list, as the only handfull of films I have left to watch don’t seem like they are bad enough to be worse than my #20 pick. I will write only a sentence or two of why these particular movies of 2020 are on my hate list, so no need to fret, it isn’t a redo of the 3 to 5 paragraph reviews that just dragged on and on of what I already wrote months ago. So without further ado, without further delay, here are my final top 20 shittiest films of 2020 and why they are a shit cake, covered in a shit frosting year due to COVID, with a shit candle on top with how utterly depressed and moody I’ve been for the past 10 months. Enjoy!

20. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT

If you’ve ever wondered how bored you could get with a horror movie that happens to star Kevin Bacon, wonder no more. This is it. While Bacon is fine in it, it’s writer/director David Koepp that maybe needs to take a break from film making, as he gave us yet another haunted house/rental house film that manages to stand out in the sea of them in a bad way…by being utterly pointless…with snores galore.

19. MULAN

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Disney. I could end my quick blurb there but I want to put in a word of how utterly stupid it was of Disney to make this film cost $30 premiere access on their + streaming service, and then release it to regular subscribers a mere 3 months later at no extra cost. Stupid. You thought they learned their lesson when they are releasing Soul on Christmas Day for free yet they are going to try it again with Raya And The Last Dragon in March. Shameful. Oh yeah, Mulan kicks a spear mid air with super human strength into a guy’s chest mid way through the film, and then an arrow at the climax. If that makes you scrunch up your face…then I don’t need to say anything more.

18. HUBIE HALLOWEEN

Adam. Sandler. Netflix. Original. Movie. Got it? Good.

17. SECRET SOCIETY OF SECOND BORN ROYALS

Holy shit, this isn’t even worth watching for free on Disney+. Literally the worst thing that has debuted on the platform. It should’ve been buried at 2 am on a Saturday on the Disney channel.

16. KAJILLIONAIRE

I hate movies that are quirky and odd just for the sake of “art.” Artsy fartsy just for the sake of being artsy fartsy. Gets on my fucking nerves. Especially boring ones that by the time the end credits roll make you want to blow your brains out. Evan Rachel Wood’s voice in this will haunt your nightmares.

15. JOHN HENRY

Not even Ludicris’ golden jaw could save this movie with its utterly ridiculous and terrible storyline of protecting strangers that we’ve all seen too many times before, terrible misogynist dialogue, terrible action, and a terrible frowny face Terry Crews who knew exactly what kind of movie he signed up for.

14. INFAMOUS

Bella Thorne is a terrible fucking actress. There, I said it. But if I was single would I sleep with her? That’s a good question. My answer has been on both sides of the fence on that. I know what side of the fence I’m on with this film though: terrible. Used to be at the top of my worst list earlier in the year, but I kept coming back to the fact that it was at least shot well. It’s social media message though is bogged down in unrealistic resolutions…and again, Bella Thorne is fucking terrible in this movie.

13. DANGEROUS LIES

If you ignore everything else about the movie, and just watch Riverdale’s Camila Mendes walk her gorgeous self around mostly an empty house for 96 minutes, you may survive it? Or you could just watch Riverdale, which I haven’t seen but can probably bet that it’s at least 10 times more entertaining than this schlock.

12. FATAL AFFAIR

Another redo of Fatal Attraction, but with African Americans and horribly written dialogue. Nia Long and Omar Epps should be ashamed of themselves for signing up for this shit.

11. FANTASY ISLAND

This had some promise before the movie starting playing, flipping the classic television show on its head by remaking into a horror/thriller with a character twist I didn’t see coming, but the execution is worse than in a butcher shop on a hot day. As I always end up saying, “Better luck next time.”

10. THE PRINCESS SWITCH: SWITCHED AGAIN

Vanessa Hudgens is definitely a better actress than Bella Thorne. But they both have such a slutty presence on their social media pages, I’m also on the fence of whether I would sleep with her or not if single. Maybe as long as I could call her Gabriella during it? Anyway, this is easily the most cash grabby, lazy, pathetic, stupid, and unnecessary sequel of 2020.

9. THE GRUDGE

STOP FUCKING REMAKING HORROR MOVIES (although this was more of a side-quel), DUMPING THEM IN CINEMAS IN JANUARY AND EXPECT THEM TO PERFORM WELL WITH AUDIENCES. THEY DON’T. BECAUSE THEY SUCK SUPERNATURAL BALLS!!!

8. THE SLEEPOVER

Just lazy and stupid kids horseshit that happens to star a couple of recognizable names such as Malin Akerman and Joe Manganiello, where the kids are supposed to be at the forefront of the film, but the celebrities just can’t help themselves and have to make it all about them. This film was so dumb I wanted a plane to crash into my house and land on me as I watched it.

7. THE MAIN EVENT

(see description for #8 but take out the recognizable names and add a WWE family friendly theme)

6. THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME

What was supposed to be a two and a half hour action crime epic, has hardly any action and a ridiculous premise that constantly breaks its own rules that it sets up. It tries to treat us as if we are that stupid, and I LOATHE that shit.

5. THE LAST THING HE WANTED

What was this movie? I still don’t know. Nothing is explained, Ben Affleck and Anne Hathaway look like they want to kill themselves, and it all leads to a dour and undeserved dumb ending that was “supposed” to be shocking and sad. The last thing I wanted was to have ever seen this stupid fucking movie.

4. THE SWING OF THINGS

I watched this specifically for Olivia Culpo. If you don’t know who that is, look her up and you’ll see why. Never again. Worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade. The writer/director of this needs to STOP WRITING/DIRECTING and the editor of this needs to STOP EDITING.

3. THE WAR WITH GRANDPA

Basically the kid family friendly comedy equivalent to The Swing Of Things (and the next movie on this list). Just fucking awful. Robert DeNiro, Rob Riggle, Uma Thurman, Laura Marano, Cheech Marin, and Christopher Walken should be ashamed of themselves and refund everybody’s money that paid to go see this utter disaster. In the middle of the pandemic no less.

2. THE WRONG MISSY

Oh, did I speak too soon with saying The Swing Of Things was the worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade? Both films are constantly telling the other to hold its beer. I kept switching it back and forth, but the reason why I put The Wrong Missy higher on my shit list, is because there are some friends on Facebook and in person that actually LIKE this movie and LAUGHED during it. That’s offensive to me. So I’m going to say something offensive to even the odds. If you liked The Wrong Missy, you are probably on the spectrum.

  1. THE PROM

I’m going to get some flack for this one, but I really don’t give a shit. Other than the performance of Jo Ellen Pellman (when if you look back at this and study it closely, even though she’s the main subject of the movie, she’s hardly in it), this movie is offensively bad. Meryl Streep is bad. Kerry Washington is bad. Andrew Rennells is bad. Keegan-Michael Key is bad. Nicole Kidman is bad. James Corden is abysmal and I now loathe him as a human being. The musical numbers are terrible, save for one that just features Pellman, which finally had the other celebrities shut the fuck up and not appear at all during it. That’s the problem with this movie. Other than the “you shouldn’t be afraid of who you are, fight for it, especially if you are a homosexual” message of the movie, there is a 2nd almost as big of message….that clearly states “celebrities shouldn’t make good causes about themselves.” YET THE MOVIE STILL MAKES IT ALL ABOUT THE CELEBRITIES AND NOT THE HIGH SCHOOL GIRL WHO IS A LESBIAN THAT IS TRYING TO GO TO HER PROM IN A BIGOTED AND CLOSE MINDED STATE AND TOWN!!! EVEN THE FUCKING POSTER TO THIS MOVIE IS ONLY CELEBRITIES AND DOES NOT FEATURE ACTRESS JO ELLEN PELLMAN!!! This whole film was a terrible ruse, and I feel sorry for anyone out there that related to Jo Ellen Pellman’s character and how scary it can be to come out to everyone you know and/or love. Especially during the dark times of High School. This movie should’ve stayed a stage play. It makes me curious how that would play out if watching it live. I can probably guarantee you, much better than this. Ryan Murphy needs to take a rest and get rid of his smugness. It’s starting to get in the way of his creativity if it hasn’t already. The Prom is a muddled and confusing mess and I’d rather watch any other movie on this list than it again. Despite its good intentions. Which are still in there despite being surrounded by the smelliest and dirtiest shit you have ever had to endure in your life.

P.S. If the year 2020 were an actual movie, which it seems like it was to some, it would definitely take the #1 spot…no question. Fuck you 2020. I hope Donald Trump rapes and butt fucks you when the door hits you both on your way out.

Thanks for reading. – Zach

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: GREENLAND

GREENLAND, a movie that was supposed to release in theaters just several weeks after Tenet in the United States back in September, ended up being pulled because of Tenet’s poor box office performance in this country. Instead, it going to be available to rent for $19.99 Premium Video On Demand on December 18th, with it hitting HBO Max for free several months later at the beginning of Spring 2021. I’m here to tell you that if you are really interested in this movie, and have HBO Max, to just wait it out. Don’t spend $19.99 on this for 48 hrs, don’t buy it, either wait for HBO Max or get one of your tech friends to download it so you can somehow watch it for free. Disaster and survival movies haven’t been the same since the 90s. Films like 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, and this either try to be too serious or end up being too cheesy, and never sustain the balance of both tones that movies like the first Independence Day, Deep Impact, Titanic, Dante’s Peak, Daylight, Volcano, Hard Rain, Twister or Armageddon did back in the day. Greenland is the former. It is way too depressingly serious, and is basically a 2 hour survival movie with it’s main message that says, in the end, no matter who is running the government, they are all probably a bunch of uncaring, devious, and unsympathetic assholes. I don’t want to ruin any of the decisions/actions that our government makes when they realize a giant ass comet that was thought to just closely pass us by instead decides to drop in for a more permanent visit, but needless to say, in the state of the world we are in, I thought, “yep, seems about right.” Disaster movies are supposed to be fun little escapes for a couple of hours time, not depressing tales that hit too close to home that still manage to use too many eye rolling cliches that have already been done before. Of course Gerard Butler’s kid in the movie has diabetes!

IMDB describes this movie quite simply, it’s a simple disaster movie: “A family struggles for survival in the face of a cataclysmic natural disaster.” Nothing more, nothing less, other than showing us how shitty people can be when the chips are down. The acting’s not the problem. Gerard Butler plays the strong everyday family man well like he has in a bunch of other movies. Morena Beccarin has unfortunately been typecast as the damsel and/or mom in distress, and she’s solid as she’s been playing the same role all these years. The problem isn’t even the special effects. The extinction level event depicted in the film is realistic and when the spaced out comet hitting ground action does occur, it’s draw dropping and realistic (even though that the way it keeps happening to just this family you’ll have to really suspend your belief). Which brings us to my problem with the film. It is too deadly serious. That would be okay if it was ORIGINAL, while being too deadly serious. But disaster movie cliches piled on even more disaster movie cliches took me out of the film every five minutes. Whether it was using Butler’s son’s diabetes and insulin numerous eye rolling times just to move the plot forward to genuine nice good samaritans that suddenly become as evil as Hitler to that one old family member that is content with dying in a few short hours to other civilians doing stupid shit to stop the main characters from getting to certain destinations, nothing original happens. Except for the ways our government would end up handling a crisis like this. That’s not to say that this is a bad movie. It’s watchable and entertaining at points, and the destruction of some parts of the world were a bewildering sight to see. It just added nothing new, and the cliched stuff that was there kept taking me out of the movie. It’s just okay, and if that just okay with you, then Greenland is your comet ride away from our Earth for two hours.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: FATMAN

After all the controversial things that Mel Gibson has been up to between the years of 2000 to 2010, ranging from that infamous 2006 anti-Semitic rant after being pulled over by a cop for a DUI to screaming at his then girlfriend back in 2010 using racist remarks and even the n-word to homophobic comments, how does this Academy Award winner still have a career after multiple falls from grace? Even after the 2017 #MeToo movement? Well, first of all, his talent is undeniable, he’s an Oscar winning director and he’s an actor that can more than exceptionally pull off any character in any genre. Secondly, he still has a deep bench of Hollywood supporters, ranging from people still in the industry such as Jodie Foster, Robert Downey, Jr. and Whoopi Goldberg. Finally, current Hollywood producers attribute his past misdeeds mostly due to alcoholism, pointing out that he has never been accused of sexual assault, alcoholism is a disease, and that he’s not the person he is made out to be in the headlines. In a 2016 and recent interview, Mel Gibson has stated that he is currently many years sober and finds it annoying that people keep bringing up his past shit, not willing to give him a second chance…or would that really be a 4th or 5th chance Mel? Anyway, Mr. Gibson is still in the movie making game, still attached to direct the big remake of The Wild Bunch, and still starring in some movies, albeit low budget ones, like Force Of Nature, Last Looks, Dragged Across Concrete, Boss Level, and a semi-budgeted one…bet you didn’t remember that he was in Daddy’s Home 2, did you? This leads us to FATMAN…one of 2020’s best little surprises of the year, where Gibson plays Santa Claus and per IMDB, “must contend with a hitman sent from a disappointed child.” Yes, I assure you that this is a real movie.

When I heard of FATMAN only several months ago, I thought it was a joke. Turns out it wasn’t, as just several days later, to my surprise, I found out that the movie had already been filmed and a trailer dropped. I watched the trailer, and was immediately intrigued. This wasn’t just a schlocky bullshit turn like his roles in The Expendables 3 and Machete Kills. This was a movie meant to be taken very seriously (even though the film has genuine and earned humor). He plays Santa Claus straight, as a very old, tired and weary man still doing his job even though the world has gotten dark around him. It turns out, every year there is less and less good kids to deliver toys to and it’s gotten so bad, to make up for lost money from the government (that’s right, the government pays him to do his thing once every year because it is a giant money maker), he accepts a military contract that has his elves make something…a little bit different than children’s toys. Currently, most of the kids in this cinematic Earth (could be argued that it’s truer to our world than you might imagine) are naughty little assholes that get their just desserts by receiving lumps of coal from him. One particular little shit (one of the movies expertly crafted jokes has this little shit listed as “Little Shit” in the hitman’s list of contacts on his iPhone), is a sociopath son of a bitch, manipulating school science contests, stealing money from his grandmother and of course, sending said hitman after Santa’s head once he gets a lump of coal for Christmas. What I love about the movie is that it tries to bring the audience a down to Earth type Santa Claus. You know how Man of Steel was supposed to be a tale of Superman but in today’s time? A more realistic Superman? Whether or not you think Zack Snyder and co. pulled it off is a different story. Basically, Fatman asks the question: what if Santa were really real? In today’s world? And I think this film pulls off that idea in spades.

And the reason it does that so successfully, in my opinion, is probably because of the low budget and what little it shows the viewers on screen. We don’t get Mel Gibson walking around in a red Santa suit and travelling the world. We don’t see the sleigh or reindeer fly. We almost don’t see any magic whatsoever where you’d have to suspend your belief for the world that the movie takes place in. It only hints at all of that stuff, which I thought was the right direction to go, and was quite fucking brilliant. The acting here is top notch, the little bastard that plays the “Little Shit” is pitch perfect by not going too over the top, just enough to make him a character you love to hate. Justified and The Unicorn’s Walton Goggins plays the hitman, with his own anger and obsession with the big red fatman. It’s also a great role that has more meat to it than you might think in a movie like this. But the movie is the Mel Gibson show, and he shows that he wants to be there. He acts HIS ASS off. He has tears in his eyes convincingly when he needs to, the chemistry between him and Mrs. Claus, played perfectly by Marianne Jean-Baptiste is undeniably great, and the silent moments where he is by himself looking at something are convincingly masterful. He is so serious, that near the final showdown with the hitman, which is one of the best Mel Gibson final 1-on-1 show downs in quite a long time, where he is shirtless and getting his guns and weapons ready to go outside, I just laughed out of pure joy to what was transpiring on screen. I am not familiar with the films writers/directors/brothers, Ian Nelms and Eshom Nelms, but they sure do know how to make a high, yet low concept movie. I hope they make more stuff in a similar vein. If I had any complaints is that I wish they would’ve shown blood and other stuff, shown more of the violence in the scenes before the final big showdown at the military compound. They cut away when a bullet fires or Goggins kills someone before that, and I think the movie would’ve had more of an impact if it didn’t cut away. But boy does that bloody showdown make up for it. Anyway, if you like demented adult Christmas movies such as Bad Santa, Better Watch Out, Gremlins, the original Black Christmas, Christmas Vacation, then you are going to LOVE Fatman.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: RUN (Hulu)

RUN is yet another film that was supposed to debut in theaters earlier this year but got postponed because of you know what, Hulu ended up buying the rights back in August, and now here we are. It was originally supposed to come out Mother’s Day weekend in May, which if it would have made that release date, without revealing anything it would’ve been quite fitting and ironic. Let me start off by saying that Run is a good movie. It is tension filled with some incredible white knuckle suspense sequences and masterful acting from both veteran Sarah Paulson and newcomer Kiera Allen. What prevents it from becoming a great film is the fact that the twists and reveals were way too predictable. I know that I’m a good guesser, but if my wife comes into the living room near the beginning of a movie, watches only two minutes, and ends up going, “well this is obviously that and also that is obviously this,” then YOUR MOVIE IS WAY TOO PREDICTABLE. My wife doesn’t really like horror films or thrillers of this nature and if she can come in and guess the reveals to something she can’t stand and doesn’t have a whole lot of knowledge of (even putting into consideration she has learned from the best for 11 years now), that doesn’t bode too well. And she wasn’t even present when the movie got to the reveals an hour later to get the credit she so well deserved (this review is about to be published sweetie, to give you credit where it is due). But, the movie is still too good with every other aspect in its film making to not give it a recommendation. This is one of Hulu’s better originals to be sure.

IMDB describes Run with the following: “A homeschooled teenager begins to suspect her mother is keeping a dark secret from her.” To give you a bit more background on the movie, without you having to watch a trailer (trust me, don’t watch the trailer), the teenager can’t walk or run, she’s in a wheelchair, and has a bunch of other medical problems, basically preventing her from being on her own outside the house, if at all. Surely you are putting two and two together? If not, watch the very first scene in the movie, which is about 2 to 3 minutes long (the movie is a tight and short hour and 30), and the full puzzle should be glued and/or cemented together for you. It isn’t hard. I was hoping that I was wrong and that the movie was trying to successfully pull a double red herring on me, alas, it wasn’t. What you end up thinking is going on, you’re probably right. Let’s not go too deep into this criticism of predictability anymore, let’s talk about the good stuff. Sarah Paulson and Kiera Allen could teach a master class of acting with this one movie alone. Both are incredible, Paulson proving that she deserves to be put on that pedestal so many of her fans put her on, and Kiera Allen proving that she deserves to be put in more projects. This is set in stone especially after the reveals if you weren’t already convinced. Other than their acting, the real reason to watch this movie is some of the incredible, white-knuckle, emotional, tension-filled “action” scenes. To not spoil anything, I won’t give you much context, let’s just say there is a scene where a character scales a roof that is perfect in its execution, and the climax in general was also perfect in its execution along with the character arc conclusion. That’s all I’ll say. The co-writer/director Aneesh Chaganty, who directed the laptop thriller Searching, proves with Run that he has the skills to direct more Hitchcockian thriller things like this and someday even become a household name. While Run on the whole isn’t a blast off, story wise, start in a race against other thrillers with less predictability, it’s a huge head start in terms of effectively executing tension and thrills.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE PRINCESS SWITCH: SWITCHED AGAIN (Netflix)

Were they even trying with the sequel title or is it supposed to be an homage to Die Hard 2: Die Harder? Doesn’t matter. I’m just going to be blunt, THE PRINCESS SWITCH: SWITCHED AGAIN aka The Princess Switch 2 suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkssss. Awful. Abysmal. About a billion lazy story/script choices, the fake CGI snow is fucking distracting, Vanessa Hudgens new 3rd character is on the spectrum bad, and many other nitpicks that would make this review about 5 pages long. Not going to do that. This movie doesn’t deserve to be talked about that much. This is one of the most unnecessary sequels of all time and nobody involved in this movie is trying to hide that this was a blatant greedy cash grab. I never reviewed the first movie on this Word Press blog, and while it wasn’t the greatest little take on The Prince and the Pauper story that I’ve seen, it was cute enough and serviceable, mainly because of Vanessa Hudgens performance. When she plays wholesome characters, her acting shines…and that’s mainly because she isn’t so wholesome in real life…just look at her almost NSFW social media pages…especially Instagram. Also do you remember earlier this year when COVID-19 started spreading and killing people? Do you remember that she was caught on an Instagram story saying, “well like…people die, ya know?” and a bunch of other questionable comments about the state of the world at that time? I ‘member. But this critique is not going to go into how much of an attention whore, sleazy sexual person and kind of dummy that Ms. Hudgens (and her sister Stella) seem to be in real life, this critique is all about this abomination of a sequel that she got a producer credit on, because “Look at me! I funded money to a project! Look at me! LOOK AT MY GOD DAMN NAME IN THE CREDITS BECAUSE I WANT GOD DAMN CREDIT AND ATTENTION!!!”

IMDB describes the movie with the following: “When Duchess Margaret unexpectedly inherits the throne to Montenaro and hits a rough patch with Kevin, it’s up to her double Stacy to save the day before a new lookalike, party girl Fiona foils their plans.” To take that into context, let’s go ahead and see what IMDB described the first movie as, since I never reviewed it: “Competing in a Christmas baking competition in Belgravia, a Chicago baker bumps into the prince’s fiancĂ©e–who looks just like her. They switch lives for two days.” As you can tell, this stretches the Prince and the Pauper story line past the point of it being coherent anymore. I get sequel prospects but did we really need Hudgens getting more money to play a third character, one that I have a feeling acts like she does in real life? The only thing nice I have to say about it is that the shots of two or all three Hudgens in the same frame were decent. And the set decoration is nice. But really? They couldn’t get a fucking snow machine for the outside shots and instead every fucking flake of God forsaken snow is CGI, with barely any of it actually hitting said actors on screen and if a flake happens to “land” on one of the characters, it slowly CGI melts off? Come on, that’s just lazy bullshit film making. Hudgens is a producer now, make her cough up the extra cash for a physical snow maker. Other than Hudgens, who does actually seem to be trying and seems like she wants to be there, (I’ll even give her props for having a dialect coach on set every step of the way to help her with her accents, which are considerably better and less cringe worthy than the first film) every other actor/actress looks like they want to kill themselves for being in this sequel, or they don’t care and over act to just get the shit over with and grab a paycheck at the end.

And then we come to my biggest nit pick with the whole movie: the screenwriters didn’t have anything for the Prince, that ends up marrying Stacy at the end of the first movie, to do so they blatantly don’t tell his character about the new switch for three reasons:

  1. If they told him the switch was going to happen, the rest of the dumb movie probably wouldn’t have happened. THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NO LOGICAL REASON NOT TO TELL HIM!
  2. They needed more scenes of the Prince’s character, and the little girl Olivia character (Kevin’s daughter) because the actor and actress were probably paid a good sum of money for the sequel and they didn’t want to waste the both of them. (Olivia knows about the switch but this little girl is tasked to make sure that this PRINCE OF AN ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY doesn’t find out. How does he just travel with her with no God damn body guards, does that even make a lick of fucking sense?)
  3. To reiterate 1st reason: BECAUSE MOVIE NEEDED TO HAPPEN.

Speaking of Olivia, the young actress from the first movie was replaced even though the movie takes place two years after the events of the first movie and the first movie is only two years old. There couldn’t have been an aging concern then, so I’m guessing the original young actress knew what a stinker this one was going to be and hi-tailed it out of there. Smart move kid. The plot of this movie is unnecessary, boring, and stupid. The climax and outcome is unnecessary, boring, and stupid. And the 3rd character that Hudgens plays is unnecessary, boring, and stupid. I mean, need I say more? My recommendation is that if you’ve watched the first movie, do not even think about giving this piece of shit a try, instead, switch gears and maybe pick up a book and read The Prince and the Pauper. Your brain will thank you for it.