Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: FIFTY SHADES FREED

“I just wanted to see some free titties, that’s all, but there’s no such thing as free titties, is there Zack, is there?” -Craig Robinson, Zack and Miri Make A Porno.

Boy, if that quote pertains to anything, it is having to sit through this train wreck of a trilogy. The only reason why I saw the other two and this last in the trio, FIFTY SHADES FREED, is to see Dakota Johnson’s breasts. I’m a man, so fucking sue me. I always thought she was cute and funny before these films and when I heard she was hired for the trilogy, I knew she would have to give up the goods. But if I realized that I was going to sit through 5 to 6 hours of total absolute boredom and ridiculous campiness over the past three years in the theater with my wife, just to see some celebrity woman’s breasts…I think I would’ve waited for the online leaks and just used my fast forward, rewind, and pause button. Jesus these films are terrible.

The best I can say about this film is that it is the most tolerable of the three. The first one had the most plot, but the terrible chemistry between the two leads made everything unbelievable and unbearable to watch. The second film is absolutely fucking pointless, has the least amount of plot, if it has any plot at all, and doesn’t make one lick of sense. The only thing that has gotten better from movie to movie is Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan seem to not hate each other anymore, and their chemistry is a little better. In this movie, their chemistry is the best, and it has a little more plot than the last film, but everything else is stupid and pointless and boring.

And this probably has the least sex of the three films. I thought these things were going to break the barrier of how much sex you can get away with in a R rated film. These films weren’t meant to be R rated. E.L. James should’ve just sold to rights to Cinemax and let them have their way with the material with bad acting and direction, but at least the sex would’ve probably been more accurate in accordance to the source. Or they should’ve just got full NC-17 a la Blue Is The Warmest Color or Shame. To make these rated R is slapping romance fan fiction novels in the face. Every woman knows it. I have a feeling if one woman has a dilemma from now on from either re reading one of the novels and watching the movie, they will just reread the novels and never put the disc in the player again.

I mean, can I even explain the plot of the film. It’s just the Twilight series but stripped of everything vampire and added sex. In the third one, they get married, some jealous asshole is after them both for revenge (hardly, and for only like 10 mins), and of course, well, I mean come on, if it is Twilight fan fiction you know they also have to deal with an unexpected development and consequence of having so much sex.

But why am I here? You know whether you are going to see this film or not. If you are a guy, you are trying to score some brownie points to see this with your lovely lady. If you are a lady, you have either read the novels and/or a fan of the film series and already know it is schlock but really don’t care. All I know as a really big fan of cinema, these movies are some of the worst projects to every come out of Hollywood. It is a slap in the face to cinema and it is a head scratcher how films like this can be made, but Hollywood won’t take more chances on original content. It’s disgusting and disturbing all at the same time. This is another film (how is it that I have basically had three movies in a week and a half that will end up like this) that will be on my worst of 2018 list, just like the 2nd one was last year, and the first one was a year before.

Also the best thing about this film? Is that this is the end. Well, did I just jinx it though? Because couldn’t they make a fourth film that doesn’t follow the novel that has some kind of plot with them trying to have sex around the obvious plot development that I mentioned earlier in this review? If Hollywood is really running out of ideas, they just might. I really hope this is the end, or that the film doesn’t make enough money to get Hollywood greedy assholes to squeeze out a fourth film. Maybe they’ll wait 35 years and we will see Dakota and Jamie has old people having hot wrinkly old sex? I don’t know. I only know one thing, and I already posted this on Facebook but it is so relevant to how I feel: The Fifty Shades of Black trilogy is the worst thing since living in Europe between 1347 to 1351.


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