Zach’s Zany TV Binge Reviews: THE TWILIGHT ZONE (2019) Part 3 of 5 – The Wunderkind and Six Degrees Of Freedom

In part 3 of 5 of my two episode at a time reviews (10 episodes this season), and unlike my glowing reviews of episodes 4 and 5, this time be going to opposite ends of the spectrum, with one episode being the worst one so far, and the new one one of its best, if not the best. Let’s get the bad news out of the way first:

THE WUNDERKIND

Great premise, sloppy execution. Wasted potential. How on Earth did this one not work? How did the script even get green lit before going through several drafts and major re writes. The ending should’ve been a knockout punch to the head, not several slow and dull shots to the stomach. Seriously, how do you ruin the premise of: what if a 11-year-old became President? Well, this episode manages to do that. I was so frustrated and bored by the episode that I had to go look who wrote it. And then I was not surprised with what I found: Andrew Guest, who wrote for 30 Rock, for which I hated.

The episode stars John Cho as a once hugely successful campaign manager that tries to come back into the spotlight by trying to get an 11-year-old (the great Jacom Tremblay) elected President after a video he makes fake campaigning goes viral. It sounds good right? It’s not. First of all, it focuses too much on the campaigning and not enough on what happens once Tremblay (it’s really not a spoiler to say he actually becomes President) gets elected. The campaigning stuff is bland and boring and wastes the talents of John Cho, who of course is good here. In fact, none of the acting is a problem as everyone gives it a good go in that department. Also, the way the episode was shot and directed was great too. It lines up with the atmosphere of the previous episodes and is gorgeous to look at, even though the events taking place are hard to pay attention to.

The is completely the screenwriters fault (and maybe the producers for not pushing the screenplay back to Mr. Guest and asking him to give it a rewrite or two). With politics being a hot button topic nowadays, this episode should’ve had much more to say about our current climate. In fact, this episode really doesn’t have anything to say other than, “this kid’s presidency reflects Trump’s, do….do you get it?” No matter what side of the political fence you are on, the episode doesn’t take it to the level it needs to send any other kind of better, more subtle message. The ending is predictable and really corny, uninspired, and stupid. I can think of a dozen other ways this story could’ve branched out, all better IMO of the one that we got. It feels like this episode was trying to kind of pay homage to the classic episode, “It’s A Good Life,” but it really is in no way in the same ballpark of the genius of that premise. It is really disappointing that over all the Twilight Zone episodes I’ve seen, past and present, this is one of the worst.

Rating: 1/5

Six Degrees of Freedom

Being able to watch more of the classic Twilight Zone episodes between these newer ones, I have finally discovered the trend: that each new episode is basically Force Awakening classic episodes. Meaning they are all soft reboots. Soft re-imaginings. Why I didn’t figure all this out by episode 2, I have no idea. The Comedian is a play on the episodes The Dummy and one from the 80s reboot Take My Life Please; Nightmare on 30,000 Feet is a play on Nightmare on 20,000 Feet; Replay is a play on Nick of Time; A Traveler is a play on the combination of the classics The Monster Are Due On Maple Street and Will The Real Martian Please Stand Up? So what episode does Six Degrees of Freedom try to re-imagine? Easy, that would be Five Characters in Search of An Exit. And a dash of the very first Twilight Zone episode, Where Is Everybody? The first episode I mention is about 5 random characters stuck in a metal cylinder, not knowing why they are there, trying to get out. They eventually have to work together to escape, only to come upon a very dark and depressing twist of fate. I will not reveal at all what Where Is Everybody? is about in lieu of spoilers.

This episode is quite a bit different but with the that moral compass of people helping each other out to reach a common goal. Five Astronauts are about to launch the first manned mission to Mars when they hear from their superiors over the radio that North Korea just launched nuclear missiles at the United States (the U.S. is retaliating of course) and that one of those nuclear missiles is set to get there in about 20 minutes. The captain (played by DeWanda Wise, who was one of the co-leads in the very underwhelming just released Netflix film Someone Great), makes the decision to override the control center and launch to Mars anyway, prolonging their deaths in a hope that their could be a solution when they get there. Tensions are weary and one of them starts asking questions. Whether they are right or wrong…can only be answered in….The Twilight Zone.

Sorry, wanted to do a dumb cheap narration of my own there. This is definitely one of the better episodes of the six aired so far, if not THE best, then right under Replay. I had a guess of where this whole thing was going to go, and my guess was addressed quite earlier than expected, which made me question it, and ultimately its twist ending. This episode also offers one of the few rays of hope than the other Twilight Zone episodes have. While I initially thought that Replay offered a few rays of hope the more I replay the very very end of that one in my mind, the more I realized that it might’ve supposed to been a downer as well. Anyhoo, this is definitely our most science-y science fiction tale of the bunch. The isolation of Alien mixed with the conspiratorial dread of The Thing and the short story it is based on, Who Goes There? The visuals are fantastic, the acting is fantastic, everything about it works. I’m not sure any of these episodes will be considered classic in the far far off future, but this and Replay have been the closest to tone of the original series thus far.

Rating: 4.5/5

Ranking of New Episodes

Replay
Six Degrees of Freedom
A Visitor
Nightmare at 30,000 Feet
The Comedian
The Wunderkind

Zach’s Zany…Broadway? Reviews: HAMILTON (yes, that one, no spoilers)

So the Broadway touring of HAMILTON is in Texas, and since is the most buzz I’ve heard about a play since The Book of Mormon, obviously it peaked my interest (the next one to do that might be Harry Potter and The Cursed Child). And since I’m seeing less movies in the theaters nowadays, I thought I could write a short review on my thoughts. Is it worth the hype and all the awards it has won? Absolutely. And now other than The Book of Mormon, it would definitely be a play I could see multiple times and neither feel bored and also like I got my money’s worth. Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote a masterpiece. Nothing short.

Hamilton is about the life of Alexander Hamilton. But everything is either sung or rapped, incorporates R&B, pop, soul, hip hop, show tunes, and also casts color-consciously of non-white actors as historical figures. The play songs through his early life as an orphan through the intro song and then we start out with him as an adult through his death. The play is in two acts, and I don’t think there is a word spoken that isn’t sung. But everything works so perfectly well. Apparently it took Miranda years to write it and do all the songs, and perfect every single note, and it shows. It is one of the most intricate things I’ve ever heard, so much so that, like Book of Mormon, might be finding and buying the CD to it. Every song is great and catchy, and there are absolutely no lag moments in the play. My favorite part? Probably like a lot of people, I do enjoy when King George III takes the stage.

The stage itself is pretty standard. It consists of a lot of wood and stairs and rope, and then some fake brick to look like old buildings. And it doesn’t change. Not that its a bad thing at all, in fact, I would be shocked if it was intricate as how long it took Miranda to write and perfect the whole damn thing. However, what is pretty cool about it is that the stage rotates in the middle constantly to convey movement, and is very impressive when mixed in with the choreography to song and dance numbers. As for the acting? It is all impressive. I didn’t take a Playbill from the April 28th, 2019 showing, but if you were one of the actors/dancers in the play, you did a tremendous job. Especially the leads like Hamilton and Burr, the way they could memorize all those songs, movements, and words and make it look like another walk in the part is nothing short of masterful.

So if you are on the fence about seeing this, why? Don’t be. It’s amazing and truly a thing that should be on your bucket list. Whether you are a history buff or even scoff at history, there is something in this play for everyone to enjoy. The play is 2 hours and 55 minutes (including a 15 minute intermission) but you could’ve fooled me, the time just whizzes by extremely fast and furious. If this is the one thing that Lin Manuel Miranda is remembered by, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. If there is real magic on the planet, this Broadway play, is the closest that it gets to seeing is believing.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: AVENGERS: ENDGAME (infinity% NO SPOILERS)

It’s here! FINALLY! No, I’m not talking about AVENGERS: ENDGAME but rather my review for it. You’ve been wanting to read this, I can just feel it (eyeroll)…even though I really can’t tell you shit about it. I promised infinity% no spoilers and that’s exactly what you are going to get. So how am I going to get around this intro? Hmmm…well, I can say it’s the best film of 2019 so far, and while I doubt it will reign at the top the whole year it is likely to stay in my top ten by Jan 2020. I can also tell you that it is a very satisfying finale. Never has anything every been done before that has been this grand. And even with Marvel already planning another decade of films, I doubt this is going to happen again. Eleven years of storytelling all culminating into one big three hour blockbuster (5 and a half if you count Infinity War). And the fact that it stuck the landing is just all the more commendable.

The movie is epic. All the action scenes are great. The special effects are top notch and on point. The writing is very, very clever. All the emotional scenes are…well emotional, and if you don’t have at least a lump in your throat several times throughout and at the end, then maybe these films really weren’t for you in the first place. This film makes Justice League look like The Room. Not the Brie Larson one. The Tommy Wiseau one. How this film didn’t feel like three hours is absolutely astonishing. The character arcs are mostly 100% fulfilling. The whole thing makes you wonder how this thing is going to continue (although it gives you subtle hints). The film takes its time and doesn’t feel rushed. The pacing is near perfect. How a superhero story can be on such a giant scale such as this and everything be near perfect on a narrative and emotional scale is unbelievable.

That’s not to say the film doesn’t have its problems. If you want to talk about it in person or in a private message I do have a couple of issues I could go into with explicit detail. I won’t reveal anything specific on here. But they are minor, and a couple might be explained better in future movies, especially Spider-Man: Far From Home in July. I can tell you without revealing anything at all is that I had a problem with some of the humor. Not Last Jedi level cringe worthy, but there were a couple of spots where I felt the movie held on for a punchline or a shot too long just to make sure the audience laughs because the screenplay told them to. One problem I had with the film I definitely could not be vocal about on social media or I’d get my fucking ass handed to me. If you’ve seen the movie, you know the scene I’m talking about.

And all the acting from everyone from their respective characters is incredible. Everyone did a good job. And if I could either start a petition now for Robert Downey Jr. to get a best supporting actor nod for his performance as Tony Stark here and it would make a difference, I would do it in a heartbeat. Him, Karen Gillan, and Chris Evans completely steal the show here. And of course Josh Brolin is great as Thanos once again, and solidifies his place as one of the best villains in MCU history, although his story was more in Infinity War than it was here. This is OUR heroes story. We cheer for them, we’ve followed them for more than a decade, so we need it to focus on them. And boy does it deliver in spades. The direction is good, the editing is great, the movie making on a technical sense I had absolutely no problems with. The Russo Brothers did a fantastic job, and I know they said they are taking a break from the MCU but I’d welcome them back anytime if they decided to change their minds.

Anyway, that’s it. That’s my review. That’s all I can say. I can’t say whether they wrap up storylines and/or character exits and I can’t say what I thought of them if they happen to have happened. That’s for you to go out and see for yourself, because you already know whether or not you are going to eventually see this film. If you’ve never seen a Marvel movie and all this hype peaks your interest, I definitely recommend for you to go and start from the beginning, Iron Man, and make your way with release date order, then go see Endgame. It is definitely worth it (although I suggest to take your time). It is a fantastic journey and I can’t believe I can say I was alive to witness every single one of them in the theater. Thinking about how lucky I am to have seen all this and how lucky you all are as well makes me have a little lump in my throat right now. As Tony Stark says in the trailer, “Part of the journey is the end.” An incredible journey this end was and I hope it is for all of you as well.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LONG SHOT (comes out May 3rd)

When I say that LONG SHOT is Seth Rogen’s best comedy since Knocked Up (best performance since 50/50), please know that I am telling the truth. In fact, I’m willing to go far as saying that I don’t think another Rom-Com will beat it this year for me, it’s just that sweet. It is just that funny. It is just that enjoyable. Without Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen, I don’t think this movie could’ve worked. In two hours, this movie completely convinced me that a woman as beautiful, strong, and independent as she is could fall for a guy so goofy, nerdy, weird, yet lovable such as he. It’s all thanks to their chemistry and for the movie not just trying to force a relationship upon the audience without any real merit. It avoids all the pit traps that most romantic comedies fall into to make them mediocre nowadays.

That’s not to say it isn’t predictable. You know exactly how this movie is going to end. But the journey is just so damn good that you kick that notion to the curb with very little effort. If you haven’t seen a trailer or TV spot for this, the plot is pretty simple. Charlotte Field (Theron), the Secretary of State, is going to make a run to become the first female President of the United States as the barely in the middle of his first term male one just announces that he doesn’t want to seek re-election in another year and a half. She bumps into journalist Fred Flarsky (Rogen) at a Boyz II Men banquet, and after reading his former published articles, hires him after he just quit is job to help her punch up her speeches and launch this new effort into saving the environment. She doesn’t just bump into him though, back when she was 16 and he was 13, she babysat him, and she was Fred’s first real crush. Anyway, they get to know each other and a romance starts to blossom. But can she really run for President with a goofy, nerdy, weird looking, pot smoking guy like him by her side?

Like I said, if you think you know how this all plays out, you are definitely right. But stay for Rogen and Theron, as their chemistry is unreal (in the good sense). This movie is completely funny from beginning to end without any lag in laughs. Rogen hasn’t been this funny since Knocked Up and has never been this charismatic. Theron, as always, is at her best here. There is this one ten minute scene where she is on drugs, where in a sane world, she would be nominated for Best Actress at the Oscars for a comedy role. She completely steals every scene she is in. Speaking of scene stealing roles, give it up to Ice Cube’s son, O’Shea Jackson Jr., to steal every scene he is in as well. After this and Straight Outta Compton and Ingrid Goes West, I have a feeling he is going to become more famous and a better actor than his father. I would love this movie to spin off into another just about his character. His character introduction provides one of the biggest laughs of the entire film. Also be on the lookout for an underused yet funny Alexander Skarsgaard and a unrecognizable Andy Serkis in strange roles. They get their moments to shine as well.

Be warned, this movie is very very crude, but unlike the recent Netflix film Someone Great, this one is actually smartly written and the jokes all land and land hard. They don’t feel forced. It is plainly obvious that there was a lot of ad-lib here, but Rogen and Theron are pros, and it all feels natural, like it was written in the first place. It’s literally a perfect date movie for 2019. Do not see this by yourself as you will wish someone was with you to share the laughs with. Charlize Theron is definitely an actress of our generation, as even if the movie I see her in isn’t good (Tully), I still loved her in it. Also forgot to mention this one was directed by Jonathan Levine that also directed Seth Rogen in 50/50, which was my favorite film of the year the time it came out. I can’t wait for this to come out on home video as I already want to see it again and know it has fantastic repeat watch value. Oh boy did I love this movie.

Zach’s Zany Ranking Of All The Marvel Cinematic Universe Films To Date

My list might be controversial in some areas, but fuck it, everyone else is making a list why shouldn’t I? If you don’t like my list, I really don’t care, LOL, make your own!

22. Thor: The Dark World

I think most of us could agree on this one being here right?

22. The Incredible Hulk

A slog to get through, the end is decent though. And a great after credits cameo at the time.

20. Iron Man 2

Another slog to get through, only the part with Black Widow at the end is truly something special. Feels like a gateway film just to get to The Avengers.

19. Iron Man 3

Feels like Shane Black misfired with the whole Ben Kingsley character deception. Has some cool moments but again, this is kind of a slog to get through. Being the first post Avengers story didn’t help.

18. Captain Marvel

I swear I’m not a woman hater, the entire fault on this is the script and the direction. Brie Larson made the best of what she had, but this movie should’ve been something special and wasn’t.

17. Doctor Strange

Yeah, yeah, Benedict what’s his face is great and the visuals are spectacular but the story is too straight forward, ho-hum, and Rachel McAdams was truly wasted here as an actress. I liked the funny ending though. Huge villain problem in this.

16. Ant-Man and The Wasp

Was it me or did it feel like Paul Rudd was pushed to the side to make way for an all Evangeline Lilly movie? I mean it’s fine. Paul Rudd is still great and Lilly is great too and their chemistry is great. But the story is BLAH. It had one of the cooler after credits, but that isn’t a movie.

15. Avengers: Age of Ultron

Basically the same movie as the first but with robots instead of aliens and in a different country. I do think though that this is the point where Marvel Studios knew where they were headed, hence that really dumb Thor cave scene explaining the Infinity Stones. A couple of good action beats, but it felt like studio tinkering with Joss Whedon’s vision (hehe, pun). Also, Ultron who now?

14. Ant-Man

I really would’ve loved to see Edgar Wright’s version of this film. But I think he wanted something really wacky and out of the norm, and Marvel Studios wasn’t buying it. Instead we get a half way decent heist film with some good Paul Rudd moments. Who doesn’t love Paul Rudd?

13. Thor

If you watch Thor and Thor The Dark World back to back, it is just amazing how the first Thor still holds up pretty well. Chris Hemsworth’s performance, stunning visuals. This is when Marvel was finally getting a little weird. Two Words: Tom Hiddleston. The ending left a lot to be desired though.

12. Black Panther

I think we are about a little halfway through the list and yes, this film is definitely overrated. Should not have been nominated for best picture, but is still pretty decent. Good performances by all, especially Michael B. Jordan, giving us one of the best villains ever in Erik Killmonger. If only the ending didn’t have really shitty CGI.

11. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

I know this film has a lot of detractors, especially for the films true villain not being revealed until the climax, but I had a lot of fun with this film. It has a bunch of cool moments, and a killer soundtrack to boot. And the gang still felt like the gang. Can’t wait to see what James Gunn has for Vol. 3

10. Thor Ragnorak

For some reason most of my family hates this film. Well, they are in the minority. I loved this. Easily the best Thor film. I loved the drastic change, and it felt like Chris Hemsworth finally embraced the wackiness of his character. Director Taika Waititi did an amazing job and gave us more of the weird Jeff Goldblum we know and love. Loved Tessa Thompson as Valkyrie, only thing the film needed more was a little more Cate Blanchett.

9. Captain America: The First Avenger

Can’t believe we have gotten this high on the list and finally got to a Captain America film. They are that DAMN GOOD. This one is a nice throwback to adventure movie films. This made Chris Evans a star, and it reminded me a lot of The Rocketeer. All good things.

8. Guardians of the Galaxy

Yep, the first one is high on here. No doubt about it. Marvel going full wacky, and it works. The group dynamic is perfect, and the visuals and story left us wanting more. Wish there was a better villain though.

7. Avengers: Endgame

While the film certainly brought an epic as fuck conclusion and managed to not undo everything so easily (I was surprised how much thought and care went into not just reversing the snap right when it happened), it is definitely not the best Marvel film to date. Still pretty solid though, although it suffers from all the time travel rules and shit you have to constantly think about and double back on your own assumptions. Two great arcs come to a very wonderful and emotional close, one (you probably know which one) I felt was too rushed and didn’t explain a whole lot and makes me not look forward to the prequel film that is rumored to be announced soon.

6. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Some of you have this as the best MCU film. While I disagree for a number of reasons, I still rank it high as fuck. It’s has that whole great Hydra reveal, and the action was top notch and on point (the directors of this went on to Infinity War and Civil War). I just maybe wish there was more to Winter Soldier’s story. Well there is, but it is in another movie…

5. Captain America: Civil War

This one! That story I wanted told was in this one! A two-three punch on the list. Although this feels more like Avengers 2.5 than anything, I loved almost everything about this film, yes even the “you killed my mommy thing at the end.” I wish Baron Zemo was in it more as he basically divided the Avengers until possibly Endgame. The whole airport scene and intro to Black Panther and Spider-Man were just fucking great.

4. Avengers: Infinity War

You thought I had this at #1 didn’t you? Shame on you. Infinity War is great, and there will never probably be a greater downer ending in the MCU after Thanos’s snap. All the stories of all the characters we’ve come to know culminates in this and their even distribution weight between their stories is near perfect. The one thing that bothers me is the Starlord decision writing. I don’t think that character would’ve done that, but that’s just me

3. Iron Man

The original. The first MCU film. Still holds up incredibly well 11 years later because of Robert Downey Jr’s very special and incredible performance. Also reminded me of the great Rocketeer with all the suit experimentation before getting it perfect the way he wanted it. This is one of the best if not perfect origin stories of all time.

2. Spider-Man: Homecoming

Maybe the best Spider-Man film yet? Possibly a toss up between this and Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 2? The debate will range on, but one thing is for sure. This gets everything about Spider-Man completely right. Tom Holland is a superstar, and you are not. Michael Keaton also made a great villain, and the little twist reveal at the end I did not see coming at all. Kudos, Marvel.

The Avengers

Well, to me, the best MCU film is the first one where all the introduced heroes so far teamed up. You got a great bad guy with Loki coming to the forefront to lead a giant Chitauri army against New York. Perfectly directed by Joss Whedon, this film has the most replay value. Everything about it is as perfect as a movie could get. That is until Justice League came out…..HAHA, just kidding, fuck that piece of shit movie, this will remain a superhero classic for decades to come. I’m glad I was along (and still am) for the ride. Seeing this on an IMAX screen was just something else entirely.

WHERE WILL ENDGAME END UP? FIND OUT FRIDAY 4/26!!!

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SOMEONE GREAT (Netflix)

I’ll start this off by saying that I am really not this films target audience. At all. So if you are interested in watching SOMEONE GREAT, maybe with someone great (especially if you are both women and are both women besties and have ever been through a tough break up), I encourage you to still watch it. If you still read this review before or even after watching it, and if you liked it after watching it, take my opinion with a grain of salt. I did not like this movie all that much. It’s only an hour and 30 minutes, and doesn’t really know what it wants to be narratively until the final 15 to 20 minutes where it gets itself together in the climax. The rest of the movie just feels like incoherent dribble, a bunch of “pish-posh” road trip movie scenes to try and get to a good central idea and a wonderful speech by Gina Rodriguez. In these “pish-posh” scenes are three women that try too hard to curse as much as possible and be very, very crude as much as possible. It is fine if it feels natural, but all of the jokes and outlandish things these girls were saying felt forced. Sorry.

And it is a shame because other than the last strong 15-20 minutes, the three leads, played by Gina Rodriguez (Jane The Virgin), Brittany Snow (Pitch Perfect), and DeWanda Wise all feel like they have great chemistry. And the one real supporting actor, Lakeith Stanfield (Atlanta) is good in his scenes too. The whole thing is just out of focus. The movie centers on Gina Rodriguez’s character, having just woken up after her boyfriend of 9 years broke up with her. She needs a day to get herself together, so her and her two besties take off work and try and get tickets and go to a very exclusive concert while she analyses the shit out of her past relationship. She also mainly wants to see her friends again because she is about to move for away to a job she got with Rolling Stone. The movie dips into cliched road trip movie shenanigans trying to find tickets to this musical event, followed by one crude joke after another that keeps missing its target (I don’t think I laughed once during this movie, and I love crude humor).

Other than the great message about relationships, love, etc. etc. in a wonderfully worded dialogue speech at the end that I mentioned earlier. I didn’t really feel like I got to know how exactly Gina and Lakeith’s characters break up happened other than the fact that she was moving away and after 9 fucking years he doesn’t think he could make it work or would move with her (not like his job was that important). Like they show a couple of flash fight scenes between them, but sappy music plays over them and I can’t really hear what they are fighting about. I just don’t understand why they broke up. Seemed like they broke up for plot convenience. Now on the other hand Brittany Snow’s character, who gets a small tiny arc, wants to break up with her long time boyfriend, and after just two scenes, I got EXACTLY why. When you have the focus of the film being about whey the two main leads broke up, might want to make your message a little more crystal clear to EARN their reason for doing so.

All I am saying is that this movie should’ve added some scenes, and maybe gone through a couple of more rewrites. Definitely take the jokes out that felt forced and were not funny. But comedy is subjective, and maybe just this time it didn’t work for me. It’s not a terrible movie by any means, but it is pretty dull, bland, and forgettable until the weird strong climax, which 100% worked. That detail, style, and effort I wish was in 80-90% in the rest of the movie. Not to say that writer/director Jennifer Kaytin Robinson didn’t try. She clearly has potential as a writer and director with the climax and the chemistry between the leads, this just feels like a blueprint for later, much more superior work. I looked her up on IMDB and all she’s written really is episodes of MTV’s Sweet/Vicious…and I don’t watch MTV anymore for pretty good reasons. I’ve never seen that show, but maybe if you watch it and love it, you’ll love this? Someone Great should’ve been something great, but is only something eh.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE SILENCE (Netflix)

And I didn’t think a horror film that came out this year could be worse than the remake of Pet Sematary. Or a film worse than The Last Laugh. Dumb. Mean. Stupid. Idiotic. Laughable. Atrocious. Absurd. Rip-Off. Any negative word in the negative context to give Netflix’s new film The Silence, give it to it. This movie is a waste of space, a waste of 90 minutes of my life, but I’m writing this review so that maybe hopefully you can save yours. This movie literally gives the finger to John Krasinski and is not only a blatant rip off of A Quiet Place, but gives the audience a giant middle finger with every single stupid horror trope you can find in it. Does it have human bad guys? Of course! Just like the giant pitiful fucking mess that was Bird Box. There are too kinds of horror that make you not ever want to watch a horror film again. 1. Horror is where the movie is so dark, depressing, shocking, but so incredibly well made and great, that you want to watch it again, but can’t bring yourself to do it (example: Hereditary). 2. Horror where the film is so bad that you wish you could cut out the part of your brain that remembers that film to never remember it again. Guess what category this falls into?

I can give you the plot is one short sentence: Flying creatures that can only hear crop up from an ancient cave that was once blocked (but we like the dumb humans we are accidentally release them) and we journey with one family as they try and find a place to truly survive. Doesn’t that sound like A Quiet Place to you? Minus that the creatures can fly? It basically is, but it is just dumber. Dumber on every narrative possibility you can think of. And yes, the family even has a deaf girl in it. But instead of the girl being deaf in real life and pulling off a fantastic performance, the girl in this is played by the new Sabrina Spellman herself, Kiernan Shipka. And being that the mom in this (Miranda Otto) plays her aunt on that show, I’m wondering if their studio lots were right across the street from each other. Instead of getting a great performance out of Kiernan actually portraying a deaf girl, the movie conveniently says that she wasn’t always deaf, and can speak without any speech impediment whatsoever. What I’m trying to say is, there is no difference between her performance as Sabrina Spellman, and whatever the fuck her characters called in this (I don’t want to make the effort on IMDB to look it up).

This also stars Stanley Tucci, where again, this completely scream paycheck, as he completely phones it in and doesn’t give a shit like he’s there. Who in their right fucking mind possibly green lit this shit and spent money on it. I want to meet the screenwriters. Are they going to lie and tell me that their idea came before A Quiet Place and they couldn’t get it made until it came out? Or did they get high after watching it and had the selfish idea to just make a duller, stupider carbon copy. Nevermind, I just went to IMDB to find out who to blame. It was written by Carey Van Dyke and Shane Van Dyke and I should’ve known. All of their written shit has gone straight to video, they are responsible for the awful Chernobyl Diaries and even wrote….Titanic 2? What the fuck?!? As for the director, I should’ve known, John R. Leonetti….he director the worst Conjuring Universe Film, Annabelle.

I can go on and on about what I hate about this film. But you get the gist. It’s ugly, it’s uninspired, it is the definition of a bad movie. Not a so bad it’s good. Just a bad bad fucking waste of space. The film doesn’t have any set ups, doesn’t have any pay offs, and it is all over the place. In fact, with only 30 minutes left in the movie, it seems like they ran out of story, so they of course put in weird human bad guys from a Church group that cut off their tongues and wants the daughter because she is fertile. Just so fucking ridiculously stupid and unnecessary. If you are going to rip something off, at least have some act of imagination. This film seems like it was written in a weekend filled with self-induced concussions. The Silence needs to be silenced, taken off Netflix and every digital copy destroyed. This is a major contender for worst film of 2019.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (no spoilers, and yes it is a Conjuring Universe film)

So they say that in early marketing of THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA that studio heads were trying to present it as a film on its own and not a part of The Conjuring Universe and that they wanted to save the reveal in the film that it actually is one a surprise. But then fans started to question whether this film was or not, especially when the poster released and it said “From The Producers OF The Conjuring Universe” and then a trailer came out that included a character that looked strikingly familiar and played by the same actor that showed up in the first Annabelle film. That was several months ago. When their goose was cooked, I don’t understand how they didn’t just go full monty on the marketing and let people know that yes, this is a part of The Conjuring Universe. They still tried to sell it as vague and they probably just missed out on a whole bunch of money, because on its own, this film is a dull mess, but within The Conjuring Universe…wait, well, yeah it is still a dull mess.

At least it isn’t as bad as The Nun or the first Annabelle film. This films problem is the screenplay and the non-stop cookie cutter cheap jump scares with absolutely no substance. If the film would’ve had some substance, it could’ve ranked high on my The C.U.F. list (that’s what I’m calling it instead of typing out everything for the umpteenth time). And the frustrating fact of this film is that it uses a good real premise, a real Mexican folklore, and has the opportunity to expand on that myth and spin it into a pretty sturdy C.U.F., but other than the mention of the actual lore and a couple of ways to keep evil demons and spirits away from your home, it doesn’t expand on shit. It’s as if the producers said, “ok, you got this great premise, get the story out of the way in the first 30 minutes and then just hit the audience with jump scare after jump scare until the end credits. That’ll make a great movie!” Well, it doesn’t.

And I think the director, Michael Chaves (who is going to direct The Conjuring 3), knew this, and at least tried to spice up the film with his own cinematic flavors. The movie contains really, really good camera work. Excellent style. Excellent long take shots. The film looks good. I guarantee you Chaves was looking at the screenplay, muttering “oh shit” into his head, and at least tried to figure out a way salvage what he could out of the dull story, dialogue and jump scares. It is saying something when I really don’t like a film but believe that the director would be better suited with a meatier screenplay, that’s why I think The Conjuring 3 will be in good hands, because that will not have the same screenwriters as this. While the Mexican folklore this film is based on is creepy and scary, the spirit/demon/entity haunting families and drowning kids in this looks silly, not scary, and not once was I scared or did any of the cheap jump scares actually made me jump. In the entire 3rd act of the film, instead of doing something different, we just get a home invasion type spirit, spooky spooky schlock we’ve seen 1,000 times before.

There is another positive of this movie, and that goes to actress Linda Cardellini (Velma from the live action Scooby Doo films from years past). Although her character is essentially another one dimensional mother that eventually believes her kids and that something supernatural is happening to their family, she makes what she can out of it. Her tears, frightened expression, and her trying to save shitty dialogue is what elevates this film from the mediocrity or shitty-ness of The Nun and Annabelle. Her kids were pretty good too. The person that doesn’t do a great job acting wise is Raymond Cruz, who plays an ex-priest in this. I don’t buy any of his fear or what he is saying in this, seems to be in it for the paycheck, which is a shame because you may know him for his excellent portrayal of Tuco Salamanca in Breaking Bad and a guest appearance on Better Call Saul.

Like I said before, this film isn’t terrible, it’s just dull and uninspiring. It has no substance, just telling you the Mexican folklore and quickly getting it out of the way so the movie can satisfy dumb ass millennials that buy into the whole cheap jump scare bait shit. It is unfortunately what sells. I’m curious to see how much bank this film makes when people living under a rock for some reason figure out they need to go see it because they’ve seen all of The C.U.F. and need to check it off their list. Anyway, you have this. But don’t fret, there is another C.U.F. before The Conjuring 3 next year: Annabelle Comes Home. And if they can somehow make it better than the far superior sequel to the first, Annabelle: Creation, then we are in for a huge treat, maybe. I mean The Warrens are featured in it, how bad could it be…right?

My Opinion Rank of The C.U.F.:

The Conjuring
The Conjuring 2
Annabelle: Creation
The Curse of La Llorona
The Nun
Annabelle

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE PERFECT DATE & THE LAST LAUGH (both NETFLIX)

I am combining two Netflix movie reviews into one because their isn’t a whole lot to say about each of these movies and I feel like the length of both of these will equal one theatrical review. So here we go (spoiler alert: one review is kind and one review is not kind at all)

THE PERFECT DATE (Netflix)

THE PERFECT DATE just came out on April 12th 2019 on Netflix and completes what is being called the “Noah Centineo Trilogy”. No, this isn’t a real trilogy with the same character, it is three different movies, all on Netflix, that happen to star Noah Centineo. The first one was To All the Boys I’ve Loved before (saw it and really liked it), the second is Sierra Burgess Is a Loser (haven’t seen it, going to now though), and this film completes this so-called ‘trilogy.’ There is one thing that I can positively state: Noah Centineo is one charming ass motherfucker. And that’s why these movies work so well even though they are cliched as fuck as all get out chick flick rom-coms, is his performance. If this guy can charm the pants off a straight dude like me, you know he’s the real deal. If he and Laura Marano weren’t in this, and the chemistry wasn’t there between Centineo’s character and those around him, this movie wouldn’t work.

And the reason why it wouldn’t work is because the set up of the movie isn’t fully fleshed out and leaves a lot to be desired. The movie is about this guy, played by Centineo, who really wants to get into Yale after high school but needs to write a good admission essay and needs the money. After being paid to be on a date with a high school hot shot’s cousin (played by Laura Marano), he and his friend create an app where he will be a “stand-in” on a date. No, he’s not a pimp and none of these dates are sexual, the app is designed for women to choose what kind of personality he is to be, how’s he’s dressed, what kind of function he’s going to go to, for some kind of purpose. Maybe the girl wants her parents to hate the stand-in so that when she reveals her real boyfriend, they’ll accept the guy, or a girl wants to go on a pretend date so that she’s not nervous when she actually starts dating, or the girl just wants someone to talk to.

All of this sounds interesting right? Well, there is basically one montage of him being this stand-in and becoming these people that lasts about maybe 4 to 5 minutes, and that is it. We really don’t see him doing it all that much, instead the movie switches gears fast to get to the journey and endgame of whether or not he gets the money, gets into yale, and gets the girl he has a crush on (Camila Mendes from Riverdale). And I think the main problem is that at just 90 minutes, the movie is too short. If 15 to 20 minutes were added of showing him going on several full fledged stand in dates, mainly for the audience to get invested with the premise, it would’ve been great. They could’ve thrown a girl wanting sex from him at the end of the night or a girl falling in love with him kind of problem and done more with the app. Instead, the app literally has no problems, and the friend gets attention from his app making skills. Too tied up in a complete bow. In this day and age, there is no way a app like that would go smoothly.

But I realize it is a rom-com, and its a Netflix original, and it is predictable as hell, which means that it isn’t going to go that deep, so you have to judge the film on whether it entertained you or not and whether or not it is better than films in that same genre. And in that case, it is. Noah is charming as fuck, the dialogue (at times) feels like high school kids actually talking to one another, and the 90 minutes flies by with how entertaining it is. So as far as Netflix originals go, I’d definitely would recommend that you check this one out, it’s quaint and charming.

THE LAST LAUGH

What isn’t so quaint and charming is this other Netflix original that was released early January, THE LAST LAUGH. Since I guess we are counting Netflix films now in movies seen and top ten or top worsts lists, this now beats Pet Sematary as worst film of the year. I am not going to talk about it too long because that’s how terrible it was. It stars Chevy Chase and Richard Dreyfuss as old friends that meet up when Chase is sent by his granddaughter to live in a retirement home. They are old friends as that Dreyfuss’ characters was a comedian doing stand up acts 50 years ago and Chase was his manager. As they see people they love dying around them, but Dreyfuss’ character as ‘funny’ as ever cracking jokes, Chase takes Dreyfuss out on the road to do a stand-up comedian comeback type of thing. Past things and emotions come up, trouble endues, but you know how it is going to end, it is dull and painfully predictable as well.

I did not laugh once during this film. All the jokes are painfully unfunny and Dreyfuss doesn’t do a great job playing a character that was once a stand up comedian. Chevy Chase is worse here, looking like he doesn’t want to be there, and acting like he wants to go home and kill himself. All the performances in here are painfully dull. Chris Parnell as Dreyfuss’ son and Kate Micucci who plays Chase’s granddaughter are cringe worthy here. Terrible performances. I didn’t buy anything that was going on, especially one part where a older woman, played by Andie McDowell (wasted here) has a small love thing with Chase. They way that Chevy Chase just looks bored there and spits out his lines, there is no way any woman would go within 10 feet of that guy. Chevy Chase had that one great season on SNL, he had the Vacation movies, Fletch, and a couple of good moments on Community, but other than that, his career was a giant misfire. And still is. And he should be old enough to know when to call it quits. I expected more out of Richard Dreyfuss but maybe he’s at that age where he doesn’t care anymore and a paycheck is all he needs to get off his ass. This is one of the worse Netflix Originals since the awful Adam Sandler ones the past couple of years, and that is saying something.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE DIRT (Netflix)

THE DIRT is basically a poor man’s Bohemian Rhapsody that Netflix picked up. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t great either, it is just really generic. It tells the story of Motley Crue, but like any band biopic, it is just another film filled with a roller coaster life of ups and downs, triumphs and tragedies. If you love their music, it is filled with it, although the one thing I have to hand it to this film over Bohemian Rhapsody is that it really doesn’t try to fool the audience into thinking there were certain events that inspired certain songs. Their music really is a backdrop in this to their drug-induced insane life altering lives. They either have parent issues, drug issues, family issues, girl issues, or E. All of the above. It’s all just very generic and standard.

But I would be lying if I didn’t think it was entertaining. I mean it is. It’s only an hour and 47 minutes, and it goes by faster than a really shitty movie goes by when its only an hour and 20 minutes long. But it’s all standard, the band gets together, hits it big, does drugs, manslaughter, falls apart, goes to rehab, family tragedies, gets back together. It’s the point A to point B to point C of all band biopics. There isn’t nothing new to these things anymore. It’s all a roller coaster ride of different, yet similar, experiences that all basically end at some point. I have a feeling that Rocketman, the biopic about Elton John that stars the guy from Kingsman movies, is going to be about the exact same thing. And we already know the ending to that one too, because Elton John is still alive.

The film does do one little nice unique thing (it’s been done before but I haven’t seen it in a bit), some of the band members and others break the fourth wall to talk with the audience. I wanted more of that. When they did it, it was humorous little anecdotes that if they did it more throughout the movie more it maybe would’ve given it a unique voice. There is voice over narration, but it sounds really flat and in there more as an after thought, maybe not thinking the audience would get what is going on. The acting is good though. You might recognize one of the band members being played Iwan Rheon, who played the sinister Ramsay Bolton in Game of Thrones. And Pete Davidson from SNL, is Pete Davidson, but with a hilarious wig and a couple of funny little one liners and his own little breaking fourth wall moment.

I would only recommend this film if you are a huge Motley Crue fan. I knew of their music and some of their history, so I didn’t enter this into the dark, but I’ve never been listening to them constantly, just a couple of jam outs on Rockband and Guitar Hero back in the day. But again, this film is very very very by the books generic and standard. If that’s fine with you, take a look. If you are looking for something more than just another Bohemian Rhapsody or another band biopic retread, you are looking in the wrong direction mate.