Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE SILENCE (Netflix)

And I didn’t think a horror film that came out this year could be worse than the remake of Pet Sematary. Or a film worse than The Last Laugh. Dumb. Mean. Stupid. Idiotic. Laughable. Atrocious. Absurd. Rip-Off. Any negative word in the negative context to give Netflix’s new film The Silence, give it to it. This movie is a waste of space, a waste of 90 minutes of my life, but I’m writing this review so that maybe hopefully you can save yours. This movie literally gives the finger to John Krasinski and is not only a blatant rip off of A Quiet Place, but gives the audience a giant middle finger with every single stupid horror trope you can find in it. Does it have human bad guys? Of course! Just like the giant pitiful fucking mess that was Bird Box. There are too kinds of horror that make you not ever want to watch a horror film again. 1. Horror is where the movie is so dark, depressing, shocking, but so incredibly well made and great, that you want to watch it again, but can’t bring yourself to do it (example: Hereditary). 2. Horror where the film is so bad that you wish you could cut out the part of your brain that remembers that film to never remember it again. Guess what category this falls into?

I can give you the plot is one short sentence: Flying creatures that can only hear crop up from an ancient cave that was once blocked (but we like the dumb humans we are accidentally release them) and we journey with one family as they try and find a place to truly survive. Doesn’t that sound like A Quiet Place to you? Minus that the creatures can fly? It basically is, but it is just dumber. Dumber on every narrative possibility you can think of. And yes, the family even has a deaf girl in it. But instead of the girl being deaf in real life and pulling off a fantastic performance, the girl in this is played by the new Sabrina Spellman herself, Kiernan Shipka. And being that the mom in this (Miranda Otto) plays her aunt on that show, I’m wondering if their studio lots were right across the street from each other. Instead of getting a great performance out of Kiernan actually portraying a deaf girl, the movie conveniently says that she wasn’t always deaf, and can speak without any speech impediment whatsoever. What I’m trying to say is, there is no difference between her performance as Sabrina Spellman, and whatever the fuck her characters called in this (I don’t want to make the effort on IMDB to look it up).

This also stars Stanley Tucci, where again, this completely scream paycheck, as he completely phones it in and doesn’t give a shit like he’s there. Who in their right fucking mind possibly green lit this shit and spent money on it. I want to meet the screenwriters. Are they going to lie and tell me that their idea came before A Quiet Place and they couldn’t get it made until it came out? Or did they get high after watching it and had the selfish idea to just make a duller, stupider carbon copy. Nevermind, I just went to IMDB to find out who to blame. It was written by Carey Van Dyke and Shane Van Dyke and I should’ve known. All of their written shit has gone straight to video, they are responsible for the awful Chernobyl Diaries and even wrote….Titanic 2? What the fuck?!? As for the director, I should’ve known, John R. Leonetti….he director the worst Conjuring Universe Film, Annabelle.

I can go on and on about what I hate about this film. But you get the gist. It’s ugly, it’s uninspired, it is the definition of a bad movie. Not a so bad it’s good. Just a bad bad fucking waste of space. The film doesn’t have any set ups, doesn’t have any pay offs, and it is all over the place. In fact, with only 30 minutes left in the movie, it seems like they ran out of story, so they of course put in weird human bad guys from a Church group that cut off their tongues and wants the daughter because she is fertile. Just so fucking ridiculously stupid and unnecessary. If you are going to rip something off, at least have some act of imagination. This film seems like it was written in a weekend filled with self-induced concussions. The Silence needs to be silenced, taken off Netflix and every digital copy destroyed. This is a major contender for worst film of 2019.

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