Ok, I got three movie reviews to write while I have this work “internet down” break at work so let’s get to it (if you must know I am writing these on Microsoft Word and will post them when the internet is back up). If I ever watch something on Netflix, Hulu, what have you from now on and I haven’t seen it before and if it’s not a recent release, I still am going to start to review them. However, maybe not as long as my other reviews since the movies are older and you have probably already seen them. So I caught a film I had heard of for a little bit called LOVESICK starring Friends’ Matt LeBlanc and Final Destination’s Ali Larter. I was interested, but it left quickly from my mind until I saw it on Netflix this weekend, and since I was taking care of Grayson alone and he was asleep on my chest I decided “what the hell?” and hit play.

When Lovesick was first released, it was direct to video/rent, and usually those films are subpar or even worse, terrible. Well, Lovesick is a little better than subpar (but just a little bit, it isn’t Better Watch Out greatness far that should’ve been in the theater), and the reason for that being it is a concept that hasn’t been truly explored up to the max. I think with a bigger budget, a little bit of a longer run time, some more bankable stars, and some more zany shit happening and this could’ve been easily a theatrical release. But I would definitely recommend it when you are surfing through Netflix on a boring afternoon.

A real quick synopsis is that Matt LeBlanc plays Charlie Darby, a principal at a school. He is a really nice guy and all the teachers and students love him and couldn’t wish for a better principal. There is just one problem, he is really, really unlucky in love. And the reason for that being, that even though he is a nice guy, once a relationship starts, he goes fucking psychotic with jealousy. To him, everything is a clue to infidelity and he goes to extremes to prove his theories (even though they are false). Which of course, makes the women that he’s dating not want to be with him. So after recently just being dumped, he swears he is going to date women that don’t interest him. That lasts really, really short, as the next day he meets Molly Kingston (Larter), who he finds an immediate connection with, after meeting her and finding out that her nephew goes to his school.

The first date is fantastic, but then ever so slightly and then straight to the extreme, his jealousy rage kicks into full gear, with him wondering who an XL sweater is for when she gets a souvenir on a vacation they get together, or trying to figure out if she is really visiting her sick grandmother in Vegas, etc.. The lengths he goes to are absolutely multiple forehead slap worthy, and sometimes I could barely still look at the screen with what he was doing. Matt LeBlanc actually does a great job here of trying to shed his “Joey” image that will be with him unfortunately forever. He plays the nice guy very well and when he goes into jealousy mode, he does a great full 180 with his acting. The scenes where he tries to get Ali Larter’s nephew basically spy on her are cringe worthy. I just wish there was more zany shit and maybe another 15 minutes added to the film, could’ve been so much more bat shit crazy.

Ali Larter is okay, but this isn’t really her showcase. She unfortunately has the role of “ahhh shucks the jealousy thing is bothering me but I like you too much to leave you” role. It doesn’t really challenge her as an actress, but with a better script it could have. But she is fine with what she was given.  I also would’ve liked to see the guy that plays Matt LeBlanc’s friend (Adam Rodriguez) that narrates the movie and knows his best friend is crazy have a little bit more to the with the grand scheme of things. Like I said, a tighter and more meaty screenplay could’ve solved on that.

One more thing, Chevy Chase is in this for three short scenes, and his role could’ve completely been cut and they added more stuff for Larter or Adam Rodriguez to do. It’s like they picked him up off the street and asked him to be in this to get more “star” recognition. Do they not realize that Chevy Chase hasn’t been bankable since the 80s? This review is already too long. So I’ll end it by saying it is a barely passable watch on Netflix, still deserves to be in that direct to video category, but it is better than a lot of garbage that is in the same ballpark.

EVERY DAY is one of the high concept movies wrapped in a teen film. The obvious advantage to this is that they usually turn out better than your ‘average’ teen films filled with whiny brats crying about their relationships, drama, blah blah blah, something something 3rd world problems. Every Day is about a guy/girl/entity that every day wakes up in a new body, usually around the same age, a reasonably close distance away depending on where the previous person ended up the night before. This guy/girl/entity ends up falling in love with one of the girlfriends of a guy he inhabits. He/she/it decides to try and pursue something with her, even though he/she/it is going to end up in a different body everyday.

Ok, I’m tired of typing he/she/it, so since this person falls in love with a girl, I am going to call him a he from now and, and use his name in the film, which is just the letter A. Hope you aren’t butthurt about it. But anyway, this movie is much better than it should be due to the high concept. The movie is a short, tight, 95 minutes, and the movie only does two things that kind of bugged me. Without going into spoilers again because when I say spoiler free, I mean it God damn it, there is a character they introduce, sort of, earlier in the film, that ends up making more of an appearance near the end. And I didn’t figure out that we had met the person before without some context clues the film uses when this character comes back at the end. When I figured it out, I was thinking, “ohhhhhhhhhhhhh that person!….why didn’t they have just a few more appearances of him/her? Would’ve made this part have a little more sense.”

The other, which is not so much a spoiler since it happens a little before the halfway point of the film, is that A tries to prove to the young lady that he is telling the truth about his predicament, only to inhabit her body randomly one of the days we follow his life, and instead of having the whole movie where she just trusts her gut and believes him, he takes over her body one of the days, ultimately proving it. I would’ve liked to just keep that trusting with the forefront, because him inhabiting her body feels like a cheap way out even though what he does in her body further develops other plot points. But those things are just minor complaints.

I’m not saying this is a masterpiece or a great movie by any means. Definitely not going to buy it but I have to admit, it kept my attention and it didn’t treat the audiences as if they were teenage morons. There are plenty of ways this movie could’ve ended. I thought of endless possibilities and with each one I was thinking, “If the movie goes this way, it will lose me,” or “If the movie goes this way, I’m walking out of the theater.” But no, the movie goes the way and ends the way the only way it should’ve. I appreciated that. The fact that Every Day actually captured my attention more than most teenage films deserves some praise.

The movie is also a little above par because of the acting. The boys/girls that this movie hired to basically play two parts, the mindset of A and then their regular personalities, are believable and actually quite good. If this thing didn’t have decent acting, it would’ve lost all of its credibility. There are always several threads of each theatrical film that barely separate it from a cinema release, to straight to on demand. The acting in this movie kept it out of the on demand ballpark of release.

So if you are a teenager reading this, or in your twenties or thirties and still love those “teenager” films of your youth, this is one rare one that I can recommend to you that won’t fry your brain to mush. The film deals with love and heartache, but it also deals with teenage angst, suicide, and morality as well without going too into the melodramatic zone. The dialogue actually feels a little real in this. I don’t think I heard one teenager go “like, oh my God” in this movie, and considering that I almost hear that every day in the real world, I gotta give this movie a little bit of credit for giving me a little bit of a break.

ANNIHILATION is a sci-fi masterpiece extravaganza. Well, to me it is. I do have a word of warning for all you would be watchers. Two warnings actually. Warning #1: This film contains some weird shit in it. Like Kubrick 2001: A Space Odyssey weird sci-fi shit. If you don’t like that kind of shit and aren’t even close to being a huge cine-phile like myself, this movie is probably not for you. Warning #2: This warning is for people who have read the book. I have not, but after the film I went to several websites and read basically what happens throughout the entire novel. THIS MOVIE IS NOTHING LIKE THE BOOK. At all. Writer and Director Alex Garland took some DNA and ideas from the book and fully formed his own original tale and ideas. And it boldly worked out. So if you are looking for a straight up adaptation, you are going to be might-ely pissed off.

But if you love, love, love weird 2001 Spacey Odyssey shit mixed with some David Cronenberg body horror, mixed in with WTF creature features,  with a touch of Arrival, well then this film is right up your alley. The film also makes you think, which I always usually give my stamp of approval toward. To explain the plot without ruining anything (you get this if you watch the trailer), a biologist’s (played exquisitely by Natalie Portman) husband has come back to her after a year “military/covert” absence, sick and dying inside from internal bleeding. She gets whisked away from the U.S. government and explains what happened to her husband. He and some other military personnel signed up to investigate what they call “The Shimmer.” It is an area that when hit by a meteor starting developing a weird aura around it and it is only growing bigger and bigger by time. Oh, and whoever enters this aura perimeter never, ever comes back. Portman’s husband (played by the always good Oscar Isaac) is the very first person to ever come back. She volunteers to go in to figure out what happens to her husband along with a group of non military but special skilled women played by Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tessa Thompson, Gina Rodriguez, and Tuva Novotny.

And that is all I can say. The revelations and mysteries inside “The Shimmer” are yours and yours alone to figure out and then contemplate what is revealed to you. Let’s just say that the climax is definitely not for everyone. Modern audience will think that it is too weird, and that is maybe why Netflix is releasing this overseas (not here) in a short 17 days, even though they should have more confidence considering the film is doing critically very well right now. But I liked it, and think that it made complete and perfect sense. I was in awe by everything in this film. From the visuals, to the morals of their dilemma’s, to the mystery of the entire thing. I was intrigued until the end credits and want to watch it again to see if I picked up on anything that I missed.

Plus, this movie has about a 7 to 10 minute sequence that freaked me out involving one of the most hideous and frightening creatures I have ever seen. It made my heart pump throughout the entire thing and it is literally one of the most perfect scare tactic scenes I have ever seen. Perfect acting, writing and directions. Can’t wait for it to freak me out again. Now let’s get to the acting shall we? Natalie Portman proves once again why she won the Oscar for Black Swan and why it was Lucas’ direction of the prequels that is truly to blame for all the bad acting in Star Wars film at the turn of the century. She is incredible in this and probably her best role since Black Swan. Even better than Jackie, IMO. Jennifer Jason Leigh is kind of meh in this, however some revelations of her character explain why it is so. Tuva Novotny is good in the scenes she is in, but I thought that Tessa Thompson, so good in Thor: Ragnarok, is utterly wasted in this even though she has one little scene to shine. The real person that steals all her scenes is Gina Rodriguez, from Jane the Virgin. She is incredibly in this and once her show on television is done she should get more projects like this and win some serious awards in the future.

Talking about anything else will spoil stuff, so anyway, yeah, if you’ve seen the trailer and this movie intrigues you, go and see it. The marketing for the film has been kind of off. It somewhat tries to sell it to you has a horror sci-fi film and even though it does just have a couple of horror elements, it is more 2001 A Space Odyssey or Blade Runner than it is anywhere near Alien. It’s a science fiction film that makes you think, is a very slow burn, and doesn’t just throw in action to make you perk up in your seat. Everything about it has a purpose. I love movies that don’t spoon feed its audience. And Alex Garland has thrown away his spoon with this and is essentially giving modern audiences the finger. This pleases me.

“I just wanted to see some free titties, that’s all, but there’s no such thing as free titties, is there Zack, is there?” -Craig Robinson, Zack and Miri Make A Porno.

Boy, if that quote pertains to anything, it is having to sit through this train wreck of a trilogy. The only reason why I saw the other two and this last in the trio, FIFTY SHADES FREED, is to see Dakota Johnson’s breasts. I’m a man, so fucking sue me. I always thought she was cute and funny before these films and when I heard she was hired for the trilogy, I knew she would have to give up the goods. But if I realized that I was going to sit through 5 to 6 hours of total absolute boredom and ridiculous campiness over the past three years in the theater with my wife, just to see some celebrity woman’s breasts…I think I would’ve waited for the online leaks and just used my fast forward, rewind, and pause button. Jesus these films are terrible.

The best I can say about this film is that it is the most tolerable of the three. The first one had the most plot, but the terrible chemistry between the two leads made everything unbelievable and unbearable to watch. The second film is absolutely fucking pointless, has the least amount of plot, if it has any plot at all, and doesn’t make one lick of sense. The only thing that has gotten better from movie to movie is Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan seem to not hate each other anymore, and their chemistry is a little better. In this movie, their chemistry is the best, and it has a little more plot than the last film, but everything else is stupid and pointless and boring.

And this probably has the least sex of the three films. I thought these things were going to break the barrier of how much sex you can get away with in a R rated film. These films weren’t meant to be R rated. E.L. James should’ve just sold to rights to Cinemax and let them have their way with the material with bad acting and direction, but at least the sex would’ve probably been more accurate in accordance to the source. Or they should’ve just got full NC-17 a la Blue Is The Warmest Color or Shame. To make these rated R is slapping romance fan fiction novels in the face. Every woman knows it. I have a feeling if one woman has a dilemma from now on from either re reading one of the novels and watching the movie, they will just reread the novels and never put the disc in the player again.

I mean, can I even explain the plot of the film. It’s just the Twilight series but stripped of everything vampire and added sex. In the third one, they get married, some jealous asshole is after them both for revenge (hardly, and for only like 10 mins), and of course, well, I mean come on, if it is Twilight fan fiction you know they also have to deal with an unexpected development and consequence of having so much sex.

But why am I here? You know whether you are going to see this film or not. If you are a guy, you are trying to score some brownie points to see this with your lovely lady. If you are a lady, you have either read the novels and/or a fan of the film series and already know it is schlock but really don’t care. All I know as a really big fan of cinema, these movies are some of the worst projects to every come out of Hollywood. It is a slap in the face to cinema and it is a head scratcher how films like this can be made, but Hollywood won’t take more chances on original content. It’s disgusting and disturbing all at the same time. This is another film (how is it that I have basically had three movies in a week and a half that will end up like this) that will be on my worst of 2018 list, just like the 2nd one was last year, and the first one was a year before.

Also the best thing about this film? Is that this is the end. Well, did I just jinx it though? Because couldn’t they make a fourth film that doesn’t follow the novel that has some kind of plot with them trying to have sex around the obvious plot development that I mentioned earlier in this review? If Hollywood is really running out of ideas, they just might. I really hope this is the end, or that the film doesn’t make enough money to get Hollywood greedy assholes to squeeze out a fourth film. Maybe they’ll wait 35 years and we will see Dakota and Jamie has old people having hot wrinkly old sex? I don’t know. I only know one thing, and I already posted this on Facebook but it is so relevant to how I feel: The Fifty Shades of Black trilogy is the worst thing since living in Europe between 1347 to 1351.

When the doll from American Sniper is more realistic and a better actor than anything in THE 15:17 TO PARIS, you know you have a problem. This movie is the worst film Clint Eastwood has ever made. Period. It doesn’t even feel like he was behind the director chair on this one, is it possible someone just slapped his name on it and he agreed as some part of back end money deal to help distribute the film? He wasn’t even on autopilot, he just didn’t care. You would think that after the disaster that the film Act of Valor was that they wouldn’t make another film depicting real life heroes doing something amazing with the actual same people that lived it. They aren’t actors. They are real people.

The real heroes re-filming what they had to go through has got to be awkward as fuck for them. And me watching them redoing what they went through was awkward for me. Because even though it was them saving those people on the train like they did, it didn’t feel real. Real actors recreating it would’ve felt more real. The trailer is completely misleading to, it hinted at these three guys having an extraordinary life that led them to that extraordinary fate. Bullshit. They got into very little trouble as kids, one of them had trouble finding his place in the Army so he got into a field of work that would save people’s lives. And then they get together and backpack across Europe. And that is about it. It is a great story and I am very thankful and proud for what they did to stop a potential tragedy, but that hardly qualifies it to be a whole 95 minute movie about it. It could’ve been a fantastic 15 minute short with real actors just recreating the train sequence.

But the movie is mainly them just shooting the shit, unrealistically, and backpacking across Europe. It is extremely boring and the acting is atrocious. In fact, my screening was mostly full, and about 6 people walked out halfway through the film and never came back. I was this close to walking out too, but I always finish a film and was kind of interested in how they stopped a tragedy on the train. The acting is so atrocious that even the real actors in the film, such as Jenna Fischer from The Office and Judy Greer are terrible in this as well, especially Jenna Fisher, who is usually at least half way decent. Everything feels like it was shot in one take and Clint Eastwood just thought he felt lucky and didn’t have to shoot anymore. The only scene in the entire film that feels like it was handled with care was the train saving climax. That was the only interesting part of the film.

Spencer Stone, who the film really focuses on, seemed uncomfortable playing himself, which is actually funny. He either constantly forgot his lines and tried to remember them right before Eastwood yelled, “Action!” Or Clint Eastwood told him to just improve everything. BOTH VERY AWFUL IDEAS. I knew the movie would be a problem with the awkward as fuck opening with a weird narration that they never ever come back to. This all in all is not only unnecessary filmmaking, but lazy and boring filmmaking. Clint Eastwood is so much better than this. Just watch Unforgiven. Or Million Dollar Baby. Those films prove he is one of the best directors out there. But this. I don’t know how this came together, but I can tell you a movie about this disaster of a film would be more enjoyable and entertaining than this plain disaster.

This beats Winchester as worst film of the year so far. In fact, I’ll go ahead and say at least I was somewhat entertained by Dakota Johnson’s boobs in Fifty Shades Freed to even say that that was a little better of a movie than this. I don’t think I have ever been as bored in a film. Maybe Australia. Or that Beyond Borders film with Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen. I’d have to watch all of them to declare one of them my most boring film of all time, but then I’d have to go through pure hell again, so I think not.

So yeah. This is Clint Eastwood’s worst film. No question. Name a film he directed, and I bet you $100 I can find more redeeming qualities in it than I can with this film. Even Space Cowboys. Even Blood Work. I can’t believe he was dragged into this. This is a Lifetime movie all away and should’ve been directed by a kid just out of film school trying to get some kind of recognition. Even bad recognition. Eastwood is an established a filmmaker. But maybe he is starting to really show his age. In any case, “a man has got to know his limitations.”

WHEN WE FIRST MET is available on Netflix as of this morning at 2 AM, and if you are wondering how the hell I already watched it while still being at work at 8 AM, let say it involves my newborn son having a diaper blowout and then spitting up right after I cleaned that all up. Needless to say, to put him back to sleep and then get me tired again, it was 2:15 AM and I saw that this was just loaded onto the platform service. I decided to put it on, watch enough to get sleepy and then watch this rest this evening with a review tomorrow. Nope, the film kept my interesting and was kind of delightful where I watched the whole thing, went back to sleep at 4:20 and then woke up again at 6:20 to get my son ready for daycare and my ass ready for work. I enjoyed this movie quite a bit, which managed to mix a Time Travel formula with the Groundhog Day formula and bring us something a little unique. I wholly recommend this Netflix watch.

And let’s not get into the, is Netflix a new movie dump kind of platform, where the studio executives don’t have much faith in the film so they sell it to Netflix to drop at anytime that they want. It’s not that they don’t think the film is good or even marketable, they just know that Netflix is the cheaper route, where a movie might make some actual profit instead of spending millions to give it theatrical distribution. That’s why I love Netflix, because instead of going Direct to Video and I only hear about the movie through word of mouth, I don’t even have to get up from my couch to discover it. This was a nice, funny, and light little discovery that is the perfect date night for anyone just wanting to spend it at home or in their apartment.

Anyway, a quick plot review without getting into two many spoilers, on Halloween in 2014, Noah (the hilarious Adavm Devine)  met Avery (Alexandra Daddario, True Detective Season 1 Episode 2) at a costume party, and they had a fun filled night just chatting up different things, playing fooseball, decorating pumpkins with a magic marker. When he goes in for the kiss though, he instead gets a hug, and she comments how great it is to have a really good guy friend. Flash forward to 2017, and he is at her engagement party to Ethan (Robbie Amell) wishing that he was the one about to get married to her. He gets drunk and goes into an old photo booth that he and Avery took pictures at on the night they met, puts in a quarter, and travels thru time back to that day. He now realizes he has another chance to win her, not just as a friend, but as a boyfriend. But he better be careful because soon after his actions he travels back to the day of the engagement party, and his actions might have some serious repreocussions.

Needless to say the first redo doesn’t go so well and so the movie takes the time travel formula and mixes it with Groundhog Day, to have us see more attempts by Noah to win over Avery. Thankfully, it doesn’t completely stick to the Groundhog Day formula and even offers up some excellent surprises along the way. For instance, I was surprised to see the number of days that Noah actually goes through to get smart and finally see what he was meant to see all along. It isn’t like Bill Murray where he relives it thousands and thousands of days. I also appreciate the movies’ sensibility and smartness. Needless to say he does get her in a scenario or two and if they somehow have sex the time travel Gods take him out of the past right before they do, and when he wakes up back to the present day, he doesn’t remember having sex or really any of the stuff that happens in between. This movie was clearly written with the #metoo movement in mind.

Adam Devine makes the movie. He is that one guy that was on Workoholics and Pitch Perfect 1 & 2 that actually hit it big, and he was great in Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates as well. According to reports, he was handed the script after being cast and they asked him to rewrite some of it based on his comedy style. When I heard that I thought it would be kind of like slacker Workoholics type humor, but no, Devine develops a kinder, gentler, yet still with that genuine goofiness that makes him him, and turns in a extremely likable character. The other stand out in this film is Shelley Hennig (who you know from Teen Wolf and Unfriended) as she plays Avery’s good girl friend Carrie that has some very interesting and enjoyable conversations both with Daddario’s Avery and Devin’s Noah. If I had one complaint about the film is that the rest of the people are shortchanged, including the main girl, Alexandra Daddario. I’ve seen almost everything she has been in, and unfortunately I am not convinced that she can actually act other than memorizing lines and repeating them when the film is rolling. Look, it might be the roles that she is cast in and the fact that none of these give her a true chance to shine and the fact that she is playing the same character in every film. She needs to get something juicier or I’m going to start thinking she is a permanent mediocre actress. Robbie Amell is just there to look pretty (he is much, much better in The Duff, be sure to check that movie out if you haven’t) and Noah’s friend Max, played by Andrew Bachelor, gets short changed as the friend that is a high ranking executive at a firm and is just a smooth talker to the ladies. The movie could’ve added maybe 15 minutes to give all the characters a more rounded fare share, but I enjoyed the movie so much I am willing to overlook that injustice.

Speaking of conversations, this movie has some very realistic and believable dialogue and genuine interactions between the characters, something which I also thought made the film. When Noah is talking with Avery or if Noah is talking to Max or if Noah is talking to Carrie, I don’t know whether some of it was ad-libbed, but it felt like real people having real conversations. I wonder if it was some of the script re writing to fit Devine’s comedy style, but it was simply, pun intended, devine. Anyway, so I don’t spoil anything else, please check this film out on Netflix, it’s funny and gets the job done romantic comedy wise without trying to copy cat the time travel or Groundhog Day formula too much. It is worth the watch for Adam Devine alone.

 

Wow, that was pretty exciting and cool wasn’t it? To think we weren’t expecting THE CLOVERFIELD PARADOX aka Cloverfield 3 to hit theatres till late April, then there is a rumor Paramount wants to sell it to Netflix, and a rumor turns into a reality with a Superbowl commercial advertising the film…and they release the film that very night on Netflix. Incredible. Great move and great advertising. But is the third Cloverfield a great movie? I’d say it is a very, very good movie, especially for Netflix, as this is their best original movie to come out (yes, better than Bright), but the one thing that keeps it from being great is that a lot of the Cloverfield stuff to link it to the other two movies feels a little tacked on, and the movie doesn’t feel theatrical, but those are minor quibbles.

I really like that this Cloverfield franchise is basically becoming a sci-fi/horror anthology that links to each other in the most subtle of ways. Even though those subtle ways could be argued as after thoughts or forceful connectivity. Let me back track a little. After the success of the original 2008 Cloverfield, which made a shit ton of profit, audiences were wanting more and was wondering where it would go. 8 years and nothing, just little blue balls teases from J.J. Abrams and company with really no official word as to any type of a sequel. Fast forward to 2016 and we get a random trailer for a film called 12 Cloverfield Lane. Producer J.J. Abrams comes out and says that while it is not a direct sequel to Cloverfield, it has “the DNA” of it, set in the same film universe, kind of like a “blood relative” to the previous film. And 12 Cloverfield Lane is a very, very good movie, except for that final act, which while necessary to keep it within this new universe, felt tacked on and anti-climatic. And we learned even more. 12 Cloverfield Lane was originally not even supposed to be part of this universe, it was a film originally titled, “The Cellar,” and then known as “Valencia” and J.J. Abrams production company acquired it, filmed it, added only a few nods to Cloverfield, with J.J. Abrams promising that a future film in the anthology series would tie the two films together.

And thankfully, with The Cloverfield Paradox, this anthology series gives us this connection sooner rather than later. Especially the final shot, which will have many a fans like me slack jawed and screaming with sci-fi joy and glee. But other than that fantastic final shot, and a couple of nods to the other two films (like Slusho and the name Cloverfield) this film could’ve been its own thing not linking at all to the universe. Doing some digging, Abrams and company almost did the exact same thing to this film as they did with 12 Cloverfield Lane, but with a little more planning, and a little more plot connecting (with Roger Davies character Michael, all those scenes were added after movie was already finished to have it in the Cloverfield universe). This movie was originally supposed to be called “God Particle.” And while the tacked on scenes to connect everything don’t feel as tacked on as they did with 12 Cloverfield Lane, you can still feel it and hope they do even more planning with this 4th film that is apparently already in the can.

But now let’s get to the movie and what works. The plot of The Cloverfield Paradox has these astronauts in space on this space station that has this large device on board that is supposed to solve the energy crisis, as it is revealed several countries are about to go to war because they are running out of options. I won’t say much so I don’t ruin the surprises, but lets just say the device works and doesn’t work, and they end up trying to solve a personal dark “reality” crisis of their own. That’s all I will say. The movie mostly really works other than a few bits of groan worthy dialogue. It works really way as a cool little sci-fi try to save a sort of apocalypse on Earth from happening tale while also adding in a couple of dashes of pure space horror.

It also works because it interweaves a personal tale with Gugu Mbatha-Raw‘s character and her family back on Earth (can’t give away too much of that either). In fact there are a lot of famous faces in this film, even though the other characters only get a few moments to shine and kind of lack in character development: Daniel Bruhl, David Oyelowo, Ziyi Zang, John Ortiz, Donal Logue, Elizabeth Debicki and Chris O’Dowd. But giving them all complete character development would’ve made this movie two and a half hours, which would’ve been too long as this hour and 43 minutes is nice, tight, and solidly good entertainment. The scenes that were filmed after wards with Roger Davies playing Mbatha-Raw’s character’s husband are interspersed with the astronauts tale, and into actually flows into the narrative pretty well, giving us a breather between a lot of shit that goes wrong on the ship. Even though yes, it kind of feels like those scenes were tacked on. But the acting is all fantastic even with some of the crummy dialogue. The visuals are really impressive as well considering this is a Netflix film, but then again it was supposed to be in theaters in a couple of months.

Which comes to the only other problem this movie has other than the dialogue: it doesn’t feel very theatrical. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it is the direction, or the cinematography, or the close quarters of everything, but the movie didn’t feel like it warranted a theatrical presentation. And maybe Paramount realized this too which is why they sold it to Netflix, as it is a perfect Netflix film. I just wish it felt more cinematic. It’s hard to explain how it doesn’t, especially when the visuals are actually pretty impressive, but trust me, you will probably feel it too.

But this film does connect the other two films in a couple of interesting ways, and it feels like it belongs as a part of the Cloverfield universe, and isn’t that all we really are asking for? This is a really good anthology series, even though if I were to rank them as my favorite to least favorite it would probably be in the order they were released. However, they are all about the same in terms of pulpy, entertainment, sci-fi quality. And that is hard for movies to do nowadays, so all props go to J.J. Abrams and his production team. And that final shot gave me a cinematic boner. It did, I’m sorry to say that and ruin what was a perfectly tame and concise review, but it did. That final shot was just icing on the cake that was the very good movie that came before it, and since I am a huge fan of the first film, and now this anthology, it gave me an unapologetic cinematic boner. You’re welcome for the image.

If you have Netflix, you can catch this movie that premiered just a couple of days ago , A FUTILE AND STUPID GESTURE, which tells the rise and fall of Doug Kenney, one of the co-founders for the National Lampoon magazine and also had a hand in writing two very famous films, Animal House and Caddyshack. He also jump started the careers of many famous comedians including Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, John Belushi, etc. However, I would suggest maybe instead to watch the 2015 documentary Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead: The Story of the National Lampoon, wherever you can find to watch it. That does its story’s justice. This does not. This unfortunately has a television feel to it that contains a bunch of famous actors, but not having enough material to warrant a half way decent film. It is very disappointing because all my life I have been interested in the National Lampoon, seen all the movies, and wondering how it all came together. The documentary left me, in a good way, wanting more, this movie made me go back to wishing they wouldn’t do anything else other than the doc.

Will Forte stars as Doug Kenney, and for some reason, Martin Mull plays a older modern day Doug constantly breaking the fourth wall and talking to the audience and the fact that it is just a movie. Which if you know anything about the history of Doug Kenney, Martin Mull being there doesn’t make any sense. Was that the whole joke, or was it a misdirection for the audience in case some people didn’t really know about the famous man? Anyway, minor quibble aside, this movie could’ve been so much more. You have the great Will Forte as Doug Kenney and you have the fantastic Domnahall Gleeson as his friend and partner Henry Beard, who both co-created that National Lampoon magazine and other platforms as it eventually spread to radio and film. Unfortunately, Will Forte just seems to be playing himself, or a minor, smarter variation on his character in The Last Man On Earth. Domnahall Gleeson seems to be taking the role seriously, even though both of those wigs that they wear for their characters really can’t be.

You have famous actors portraying famous actors in here too, like Joel Mchale playing Chevy Chase, Seth Green playing Christopher Guest, and Jon Daly playing Bill Murray, nobody really looking like any of the others, only Jon Daly getting Murray’s voice down pat. And the whole film is just choppy. And at one hour and 41 minutes, you don’t get a whole lot inside the mind of Doug Kenney, you know that he was a funny man that didn’t exactly know how to harness his talent and his jealousy got in the way of most things. The film basically shows all their high time highlights, with Kenney being weird, drugged out, and delusional most of the time, but it fails to show the impact all of it had on America except for one television interview where they could sneak in a quick cameo of Ed Helms as Tom Snyder.

Not even a brilliant Emmy Rossum as Kenney’s girlfriend can save the third act, which *spoiler alert* doesn’t really go all that much into Kenney’s death and why it happened. It just happens, all of his friends show up at a bar, and they remember the good times. *end spoiler*. It just shows us everything, with little invisible astericks making the audience want to go to the computer and look up more in depth things on certain events. The main problem is that the whole production feels really cheap and shoddy. It looks and feels like a movie made for television and nothing seems authentic, and I guess that is why it is premiere on Netflix and not a theatrical distribution.

Which is a shame, because if you are a National Lampoon fan like I am, this is a serious disappointment. It would be even worse if this was the first telling of the story, thankfully, we have the above mentioned documentary for that to cool our jets from this epic fail. They could’ve made the movie longer and go more in depth with Kenney’s psyche, maybe spend a little more time on the making of Animal House and Caddyshack. The film is okay until Henry Beard eventually leaves the company and then shows up once or twice more. That shows you Domnhall Gleeson’s star power.

Anyway, this movie is a literal joke and not worth your time. Seriously, if you love the Vacation movies, or Animal House, or Caddyshack, or even remember the great magazine, I encourage you to watch the 2015 documentary because it is in depth and very interesting, this is background noise never to be played again.

There are rules one must abide by in order to successfully know if you are watching a shitty horror movie:

(My Rules)

1. I am about to fall asleep at least three times and I’m “ass out to pass out” (this means you are side ways in your chair)
2. My horror film buddy Kim can actually manage to predict what is going to happen before it happens.
3. 1 or less jump scares
4. You start comparing characters in the film to people you know in real life out of boredom.
5. You laugh almost throughout the entire thing.

All of those happened with WINCHESTER, one of the worst horror films ever made and my first contender for worst film of 2018 (will probably be beat by Fifty Shades Freed) and will definitely be on my worst ten by the end of the year. Throughout the film I kept asking myself, why is Helen Mirren in this? I quickly asked that about Jason Clarke, but quickly answered that question by saying he is an actually underrated actor just trying to get known, and he is the only one actually doing any acting in this film.

Helen Mirren is terrible in this. It screams paycheck, paycheck, paycheck throughout all the “haunted” walls within this haunted house. She isn’t in it much at the beginning, and is in only two rooms for most of the middle with a tiny bit of venturing out near the end. But yeah, her shooting schedule was probably short and tight. Jason Clarke and Sarah Snook seem to be the only ones trying to do a decent job with the crap screenplay they were dealt. Snook probably because she did a great job with The Spierig Brothers other pretty decent film Predestination. I am willing to forgive The Spierig Brothers because this is their first true misfire. I really like their film Daybreakers, Predestination was solid, and Jigsaw…well, you know my love for the Saw series if you read my review in October.

This movie felt…rushed. Everything about it, the script, the story, the plot, the camera work, the fake CGI outside shots of the house, all felt rushed to a studio schedule that no one wanted. I feel that if the Spierig brothers were given their true due, more time with everything, especially the script, and a bigger budget, they could’ve had something. Something tells me that they got Helen Mirren before a script was even completely and they had a certain amount of time with her and the studio said, “this movie revolves around her.” Which you can’t do that. Your product gets muddled and no one will appreciate it.

I mean, come on, this is a true story about a true haunted house (depending on what your beliefs are). We were given films based on true haunting stores (like The Conjuring series) and those turned out fantastic. What went wrong here? Was it the fact that instead of doing multiple stories about the room and the spirits that are trapped inside and then rebuild the house when it becomes damaged, they instead just focused on one story, trying to tie it all in a bow with our main protagonist (Clarke)? That one story wasn’t even all that damn interesting. The movie starts very cliched with the board of the Winchester rifle company sending a doctor to evaluate Sarah Winchester to deem her insane so they can take control (A Cure For Wellness anyone?) and instead of having the audacity to bring anything cool and interesting to the mix we are dealt one ghost story about a demon that has a hatred for Winchester rifles and what they did to his brothers and brothers in arms? I could’ve slept soundly inside this house in the middle of all the chaos because it was a complete snooze fest of a scenario.

It was just bad. I said in a Facebook post that my fat face is scarier than this film and I stand right by that comment. This film isn’t scary at all. Oh, you didn’t think IT was all that scary? Try putting in this film, you’ll be screaming for the new Pennywise in about 10 minutes into this. Why oh why do we get all these cool story concepts but the execution is just fucking pitiful? I’d rather watch a documentary on this house, anybody have any suggestions?