Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE MAIN EVENT (Netflix)

Oh God Netflix…why…why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU EVER GREEN LIGHT THIS FILM FROM BEING MADE or if it was already made, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BUY IT FOR YOUR STREAMING PLATFORM?!?!? THE MAIN EVENT is a catastrophe of epic proportions. Easily one of the top worst films of the year for me and it even shit on several child hood films I liked as a kid/teenager. Here we have another film in the weird genre of “inanimate sports object is magical and makes a kid or teenager play so good that he goes pro or semi-pro. What would you say is the last decent one of those? Like Mike maybe? Maybe Slam Dunk Ernest? I know it might be considered a stretch but I’m willing to just put Rookie Of The Year in this category even though it’s an arm and not an inanimate object, just so I have better films to compare this piece of shit to. Gun to my head, I would watch those three on a repeated loop for a year than watch a whole minute of The Main Event ever again. When actor/comedian Adam fucking Pally looking like he’s bored to tears in the movie (even though that is kind of supposed to be his character) and you can tell he just did it for a paycheck…something is seriously amiss with this. In the movie, a real wrestler from WWE farts so hard that he nearly blows the protagonist out of the ring in this movie. I…SHIT…YOU…NOT.

If I were to describe The Main Event, it’s pretty simple. Take Like Mike, take out the basketball and magic shoes, replace them with “wrestling” and a lucha libre mask, but then add about 2000% more cheese. There you go. A kid, who’s mom just left him and is being raised by his grandmother on her side (forced feels here) and his now single father, finds a magical wrestling mask when hiding from bullies, and decides to enter a WWE competition to be the next WWE superstar along with a $50,000 grand prize. And he tries to woo a girl he likes during all of this. The only people I see liking this movie, even if its the teensy tiniest bit, are wrestling fans, and then little little kids that are also wrestling fans, ones that don’t know any better. At first, I was going to shit on this a little more and a little unfairly, saying something to the akin to this makes the movie Ready To Rumble with David Arquette look like a masterpiece and that it shits all over the fantastic and more realistic Fighting With My Family that was released last year with Florence Pugh, but one of my friends made me realize these are all two completely different movies, and it would be unfair. He’s absolutely right. That still doesn’t take away from the fact how dumb, cheesy, and too looney tunes-zy this film is. It literally treats the audience as if they were idiots. I can see even some wrestling fans scratching their heads, wondering who the fuck wrote the atrocity to the film world. Also, the kid movie cliches!!! How much would you want to bet that the kid lets his friends (& love interest) down at a critical time and that he has to have the mask off to (sorta) fight in the climatic finale? And don’t get me started on this wrestling mask. Characters are literally shocked and confused when he takes it off and he reveals he’s a kid… seriously…when the wrestler character IS NAMED KID CHAOS and his fucking height and rest of his appearance! With just a little bit deeper voice, it is more embarrassing than people not being able to tell the similarities between Clark Kent and Superman just because of a pair of fucking glasses.

Let’s see who is to blame shall we? Holy shit, four credit screenwriters? There’s huge red flag #1 into why this thing was a disaster. Let’s see some of their screenplay writing history…one nobody, one person who wrote for Kevin Can Wait (figures)…and oh my God…really?!? **rubs eyes to make sure I’m not seeing shit** …The other two people to blame are the guys that wrote that fantastic Klaus movie that came out during Christmas on Netflix and the animated film I really wanted to take home the Oscar this year. Holy fucking shit. I’m willing to forgive the director, as he’s only done television, and some wacky stuff like Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Parks and Recreation, and the direction isn’t the problem here, but those two guys that worked on Klaus…their participation to this disaster is INEXCUSABLE. Even though this movie is for kids, that doesn’t give it the excuse to be so lazy. This whole project is just so fucking ridiculously lazy and uninspired (the long fart joke is a huge indicator). The only people trying in this movie is Seth Carr, who plays the main kid protagonist, but his energy needs to be directed to better movies…his two minute role as Young Killmonger in Black Panther (I believe he had no lines too) was more dense this this. I’ve already said that Adam Pally’s performance screams forgivable paycheck, but then there is Ken Marino, oh God, how is this asshole not wanting to throw up after being in this? He looks like he’s the only adult trying (he plays a rival wrestler’s manager…but oh my God, it’s the same asshole character he’s played in every single project he’s in, including Role Models and Veronica Mars. This guy was decent on Party Down…what the fuck happened to him? He’s gotten into unforgivable territory now.

Unless you are a young kid that doesn’t know any better (yet shouldn’t be reading my reviews because of my potty mouth), a kid that really likes “wrestling” or an adult that moderately likes “wrestling” stay far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, FAR AWAY FROM THIS STINKER. Just absolutely horrendous at every turn. I was eating lunch while watching this and some food almost fell out of my mouth…that’s how low my jaw was open when seeing what I was seeing play out across my phone screen. I’m almost at a point where I want to write to Netflix demanding that they give me a free month of service with every shitty movie that I end up watching that they either green lit or bought and slapped the “Netflix Original Film” name over it. If they did that I should have a free year of Netflix by now. Why, oh why is money being poured into things like this? Are these producers even reading these screenplays? They must have for Fighting With My Family, but I guarantee you no one read this before saying yes to this. They were told a premise, they needed something to fill a hole in their slate, so here you go. Shit on a platter. I could see this film being in the line up of three in the Best Of The Worst segment on Red Letter Media’s video web page. Only it would definitely, definitely lose. There are only two saving graces to this movie, one being that the only watchable part is the talent show where the kid wrestlers’ friends are able to pull off their hip hop dance to the tune of the song ‘Tricky’ without him (I appreciated the small twist of them not failing) and that it doesn’t get the worst film of the year from me, because I actually knew what was going on in the movie. The ONLY saving graces. Expect this main event on Netflix to soon be a skip-able pre-match in the growing sea of endless piece of shit Netflix “originals.”

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