Tag: The Main Event

Zach’s Zany FINAL Top 20 Shittiest Films of 2020 (A year that is the epitome of shit)

As Obi-Wan Kenobi would say, “Hello there.” Yes, after a little longer than a month now, I’m back to writing something a bit longer than the little review blurbs that I have been putting out on Facebook and Instagram recently. If you were used to reading my stuff on here and wondering where the hell I’ve been, I’ve been still doing reviews, but on a much smaller scale, two to three sentences, with a number grade of 0 to 10 at the end (have even gone into negative numbers if I truly loathed a film this year). I just got…tired…of saying the same old shit. “Yay,” this movie was good, “boo,” it was bad. No matter what kind of spin I put on my descriptive words, it all boiled down to the same thing. I don’t know why I just stopped, I guess 2020 has finally made me tired after all these years. I also figured I would have a lot more time in my life if I made my thoughts short and simple. If you are bummed about that, I’m sorry…but you can always follow or like my Facebook page, Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews, or you can follow me on Instagram @zachszanymoviereviews. The choice is yours, and I’d be happy to give you a follow back on your business Facebook page or Instagram page if you come randomly give me a follow or like. Fuck Twitter, I got rid of that bullshit two months ago, and I don’t regret it. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I think two social media options are enough for those that know me. But don’t worry, every once in a while I will come back. Like now. I know this is a little early but I’ve calculated what I have left to watch by New Year’s Eve and I figured it was pretty safe to go ahead and publish this list, as the only handfull of films I have left to watch don’t seem like they are bad enough to be worse than my #20 pick. I will write only a sentence or two of why these particular movies of 2020 are on my hate list, so no need to fret, it isn’t a redo of the 3 to 5 paragraph reviews that just dragged on and on of what I already wrote months ago. So without further ado, without further delay, here are my final top 20 shittiest films of 2020 and why they are a shit cake, covered in a shit frosting year due to COVID, with a shit candle on top with how utterly depressed and moody I’ve been for the past 10 months. Enjoy!

20. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT

If you’ve ever wondered how bored you could get with a horror movie that happens to star Kevin Bacon, wonder no more. This is it. While Bacon is fine in it, it’s writer/director David Koepp that maybe needs to take a break from film making, as he gave us yet another haunted house/rental house film that manages to stand out in the sea of them in a bad way…by being utterly pointless…with snores galore.

19. MULAN

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Disney. I could end my quick blurb there but I want to put in a word of how utterly stupid it was of Disney to make this film cost $30 premiere access on their + streaming service, and then release it to regular subscribers a mere 3 months later at no extra cost. Stupid. You thought they learned their lesson when they are releasing Soul on Christmas Day for free yet they are going to try it again with Raya And The Last Dragon in March. Shameful. Oh yeah, Mulan kicks a spear mid air with super human strength into a guy’s chest mid way through the film, and then an arrow at the climax. If that makes you scrunch up your face…then I don’t need to say anything more.

18. HUBIE HALLOWEEN

Adam. Sandler. Netflix. Original. Movie. Got it? Good.

17. SECRET SOCIETY OF SECOND BORN ROYALS

Holy shit, this isn’t even worth watching for free on Disney+. Literally the worst thing that has debuted on the platform. It should’ve been buried at 2 am on a Saturday on the Disney channel.

16. KAJILLIONAIRE

I hate movies that are quirky and odd just for the sake of “art.” Artsy fartsy just for the sake of being artsy fartsy. Gets on my fucking nerves. Especially boring ones that by the time the end credits roll make you want to blow your brains out. Evan Rachel Wood’s voice in this will haunt your nightmares.

15. JOHN HENRY

Not even Ludicris’ golden jaw could save this movie with its utterly ridiculous and terrible storyline of protecting strangers that we’ve all seen too many times before, terrible misogynist dialogue, terrible action, and a terrible frowny face Terry Crews who knew exactly what kind of movie he signed up for.

14. INFAMOUS

Bella Thorne is a terrible fucking actress. There, I said it. But if I was single would I sleep with her? That’s a good question. My answer has been on both sides of the fence on that. I know what side of the fence I’m on with this film though: terrible. Used to be at the top of my worst list earlier in the year, but I kept coming back to the fact that it was at least shot well. It’s social media message though is bogged down in unrealistic resolutions…and again, Bella Thorne is fucking terrible in this movie.

13. DANGEROUS LIES

If you ignore everything else about the movie, and just watch Riverdale’s Camila Mendes walk her gorgeous self around mostly an empty house for 96 minutes, you may survive it? Or you could just watch Riverdale, which I haven’t seen but can probably bet that it’s at least 10 times more entertaining than this schlock.

12. FATAL AFFAIR

Another redo of Fatal Attraction, but with African Americans and horribly written dialogue. Nia Long and Omar Epps should be ashamed of themselves for signing up for this shit.

11. FANTASY ISLAND

This had some promise before the movie starting playing, flipping the classic television show on its head by remaking into a horror/thriller with a character twist I didn’t see coming, but the execution is worse than in a butcher shop on a hot day. As I always end up saying, “Better luck next time.”

10. THE PRINCESS SWITCH: SWITCHED AGAIN

Vanessa Hudgens is definitely a better actress than Bella Thorne. But they both have such a slutty presence on their social media pages, I’m also on the fence of whether I would sleep with her or not if single. Maybe as long as I could call her Gabriella during it? Anyway, this is easily the most cash grabby, lazy, pathetic, stupid, and unnecessary sequel of 2020.

9. THE GRUDGE

STOP FUCKING REMAKING HORROR MOVIES (although this was more of a side-quel), DUMPING THEM IN CINEMAS IN JANUARY AND EXPECT THEM TO PERFORM WELL WITH AUDIENCES. THEY DON’T. BECAUSE THEY SUCK SUPERNATURAL BALLS!!!

8. THE SLEEPOVER

Just lazy and stupid kids horseshit that happens to star a couple of recognizable names such as Malin Akerman and Joe Manganiello, where the kids are supposed to be at the forefront of the film, but the celebrities just can’t help themselves and have to make it all about them. This film was so dumb I wanted a plane to crash into my house and land on me as I watched it.

7. THE MAIN EVENT

(see description for #8 but take out the recognizable names and add a WWE family friendly theme)

6. THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME

What was supposed to be a two and a half hour action crime epic, has hardly any action and a ridiculous premise that constantly breaks its own rules that it sets up. It tries to treat us as if we are that stupid, and I LOATHE that shit.

5. THE LAST THING HE WANTED

What was this movie? I still don’t know. Nothing is explained, Ben Affleck and Anne Hathaway look like they want to kill themselves, and it all leads to a dour and undeserved dumb ending that was “supposed” to be shocking and sad. The last thing I wanted was to have ever seen this stupid fucking movie.

4. THE SWING OF THINGS

I watched this specifically for Olivia Culpo. If you don’t know who that is, look her up and you’ll see why. Never again. Worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade. The writer/director of this needs to STOP WRITING/DIRECTING and the editor of this needs to STOP EDITING.

3. THE WAR WITH GRANDPA

Basically the kid family friendly comedy equivalent to The Swing Of Things (and the next movie on this list). Just fucking awful. Robert DeNiro, Rob Riggle, Uma Thurman, Laura Marano, Cheech Marin, and Christopher Walken should be ashamed of themselves and refund everybody’s money that paid to go see this utter disaster. In the middle of the pandemic no less.

2. THE WRONG MISSY

Oh, did I speak too soon with saying The Swing Of Things was the worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade? Both films are constantly telling the other to hold its beer. I kept switching it back and forth, but the reason why I put The Wrong Missy higher on my shit list, is because there are some friends on Facebook and in person that actually LIKE this movie and LAUGHED during it. That’s offensive to me. So I’m going to say something offensive to even the odds. If you liked The Wrong Missy, you are probably on the spectrum.

  1. THE PROM

I’m going to get some flack for this one, but I really don’t give a shit. Other than the performance of Jo Ellen Pellman (when if you look back at this and study it closely, even though she’s the main subject of the movie, she’s hardly in it), this movie is offensively bad. Meryl Streep is bad. Kerry Washington is bad. Andrew Rennells is bad. Keegan-Michael Key is bad. Nicole Kidman is bad. James Corden is abysmal and I now loathe him as a human being. The musical numbers are terrible, save for one that just features Pellman, which finally had the other celebrities shut the fuck up and not appear at all during it. That’s the problem with this movie. Other than the “you shouldn’t be afraid of who you are, fight for it, especially if you are a homosexual” message of the movie, there is a 2nd almost as big of message….that clearly states “celebrities shouldn’t make good causes about themselves.” YET THE MOVIE STILL MAKES IT ALL ABOUT THE CELEBRITIES AND NOT THE HIGH SCHOOL GIRL WHO IS A LESBIAN THAT IS TRYING TO GO TO HER PROM IN A BIGOTED AND CLOSE MINDED STATE AND TOWN!!! EVEN THE FUCKING POSTER TO THIS MOVIE IS ONLY CELEBRITIES AND DOES NOT FEATURE ACTRESS JO ELLEN PELLMAN!!! This whole film was a terrible ruse, and I feel sorry for anyone out there that related to Jo Ellen Pellman’s character and how scary it can be to come out to everyone you know and/or love. Especially during the dark times of High School. This movie should’ve stayed a stage play. It makes me curious how that would play out if watching it live. I can probably guarantee you, much better than this. Ryan Murphy needs to take a rest and get rid of his smugness. It’s starting to get in the way of his creativity if it hasn’t already. The Prom is a muddled and confusing mess and I’d rather watch any other movie on this list than it again. Despite its good intentions. Which are still in there despite being surrounded by the smelliest and dirtiest shit you have ever had to endure in your life.

P.S. If the year 2020 were an actual movie, which it seems like it was to some, it would definitely take the #1 spot…no question. Fuck you 2020. I hope Donald Trump rapes and butt fucks you when the door hits you both on your way out.

Thanks for reading. – Zach

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Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE MAIN EVENT (Netflix)

Oh God Netflix…why…why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU EVER GREEN LIGHT THIS FILM FROM BEING MADE or if it was already made, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BUY IT FOR YOUR STREAMING PLATFORM?!?!? THE MAIN EVENT is a catastrophe of epic proportions. Easily one of the top worst films of the year for me and it even shit on several child hood films I liked as a kid/teenager. Here we have another film in the weird genre of “inanimate sports object is magical and makes a kid or teenager play so good that he goes pro or semi-pro. What would you say is the last decent one of those? Like Mike maybe? Maybe Slam Dunk Ernest? I know it might be considered a stretch but I’m willing to just put Rookie Of The Year in this category even though it’s an arm and not an inanimate object, just so I have better films to compare this piece of shit to. Gun to my head, I would watch those three on a repeated loop for a year than watch a whole minute of The Main Event ever again. When actor/comedian Adam fucking Pally looking like he’s bored to tears in the movie (even though that is kind of supposed to be his character) and you can tell he just did it for a paycheck…something is seriously amiss with this. In the movie, a real wrestler from WWE farts so hard that he nearly blows the protagonist out of the ring in this movie. I…SHIT…YOU…NOT.

If I were to describe The Main Event, it’s pretty simple. Take Like Mike, take out the basketball and magic shoes, replace them with “wrestling” and a lucha libre mask, but then add about 2000% more cheese. There you go. A kid, who’s mom just left him and is being raised by his grandmother on her side (forced feels here) and his now single father, finds a magical wrestling mask when hiding from bullies, and decides to enter a WWE competition to be the next WWE superstar along with a $50,000 grand prize. And he tries to woo a girl he likes during all of this. The only people I see liking this movie, even if its the teensy tiniest bit, are wrestling fans, and then little little kids that are also wrestling fans, ones that don’t know any better. At first, I was going to shit on this a little more and a little unfairly, saying something to the akin to this makes the movie Ready To Rumble with David Arquette look like a masterpiece and that it shits all over the fantastic and more realistic Fighting With My Family that was released last year with Florence Pugh, but one of my friends made me realize these are all two completely different movies, and it would be unfair. He’s absolutely right. That still doesn’t take away from the fact how dumb, cheesy, and too looney tunes-zy this film is. It literally treats the audience as if they were idiots. I can see even some wrestling fans scratching their heads, wondering who the fuck wrote the atrocity to the film world. Also, the kid movie cliches!!! How much would you want to bet that the kid lets his friends (& love interest) down at a critical time and that he has to have the mask off to (sorta) fight in the climatic finale? And don’t get me started on this wrestling mask. Characters are literally shocked and confused when he takes it off and he reveals he’s a kid… seriously…when the wrestler character IS NAMED KID CHAOS and his fucking height and rest of his appearance! With just a little bit deeper voice, it is more embarrassing than people not being able to tell the similarities between Clark Kent and Superman just because of a pair of fucking glasses.

Let’s see who is to blame shall we? Holy shit, four credit screenwriters? There’s huge red flag #1 into why this thing was a disaster. Let’s see some of their screenplay writing history…one nobody, one person who wrote for Kevin Can Wait (figures)…and oh my God…really?!? **rubs eyes to make sure I’m not seeing shit** …The other two people to blame are the guys that wrote that fantastic Klaus movie that came out during Christmas on Netflix and the animated film I really wanted to take home the Oscar this year. Holy fucking shit. I’m willing to forgive the director, as he’s only done television, and some wacky stuff like Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Parks and Recreation, and the direction isn’t the problem here, but those two guys that worked on Klaus…their participation to this disaster is INEXCUSABLE. Even though this movie is for kids, that doesn’t give it the excuse to be so lazy. This whole project is just so fucking ridiculously lazy and uninspired (the long fart joke is a huge indicator). The only people trying in this movie is Seth Carr, who plays the main kid protagonist, but his energy needs to be directed to better movies…his two minute role as Young Killmonger in Black Panther (I believe he had no lines too) was more dense this this. I’ve already said that Adam Pally’s performance screams forgivable paycheck, but then there is Ken Marino, oh God, how is this asshole not wanting to throw up after being in this? He looks like he’s the only adult trying (he plays a rival wrestler’s manager…but oh my God, it’s the same asshole character he’s played in every single project he’s in, including Role Models and Veronica Mars. This guy was decent on Party Down…what the fuck happened to him? He’s gotten into unforgivable territory now.

Unless you are a young kid that doesn’t know any better (yet shouldn’t be reading my reviews because of my potty mouth), a kid that really likes “wrestling” or an adult that moderately likes “wrestling” stay far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, FAR AWAY FROM THIS STINKER. Just absolutely horrendous at every turn. I was eating lunch while watching this and some food almost fell out of my mouth…that’s how low my jaw was open when seeing what I was seeing play out across my phone screen. I’m almost at a point where I want to write to Netflix demanding that they give me a free month of service with every shitty movie that I end up watching that they either green lit or bought and slapped the “Netflix Original Film” name over it. If they did that I should have a free year of Netflix by now. Why, oh why is money being poured into things like this? Are these producers even reading these screenplays? They must have for Fighting With My Family, but I guarantee you no one read this before saying yes to this. They were told a premise, they needed something to fill a hole in their slate, so here you go. Shit on a platter. I could see this film being in the line up of three in the Best Of The Worst segment on Red Letter Media’s video web page. Only it would definitely, definitely lose. There are only two saving graces to this movie, one being that the only watchable part is the talent show where the kid wrestlers’ friends are able to pull off their hip hop dance to the tune of the song ‘Tricky’ without him (I appreciated the small twist of them not failing) and that it doesn’t get the worst film of the year from me, because I actually knew what was going on in the movie. The ONLY saving graces. Expect this main event on Netflix to soon be a skip-able pre-match in the growing sea of endless piece of shit Netflix “originals.”