THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS starts out pretty hilariously but when the end credits hit, you realize that the entire product is like a puppet with no puppeteer: all felt and fluff, yet no soul. The only truly amazing thing in this film is the puppet work, which you get a peek of how they did certain scenes during the end credits (honestly I would’ve rather watched a 90 minute feature on some of the amazing puppet effects throughout history). During the first 15 minutes of the film, I was laughing my fucking ass off, wondering why the critics were being so cruel to this, but after the first little bit, I realized exactly what was happening. The laughs were substituted for a story that is so lame brain and dull I was wishing for the worst possible thing you could wish for out of a comedy, that they would toss the story out the window and just have the puppets to more crude and crass shit. Instead they tried to get a little too serious with a joke here or there, and everything just falls completely flat on its face. Meet The Feebles, this is not.

I just mentioned a film called Meet The Feebles. Unless you are a huge film geek, you probably don’t know that this isn’t the first raunchy film about puppets to ever hit the big screen. What is funny is that if you are a Lord of the Rings uber fan, then you might know what it is. Meet The Feebles is a 1989 crude as hell puppet flick co-written and directed by none other than Peter Jackson. Instead of checking out The Happytime Murders, see if you can find Feebles instead, I guarantee you are likely to have a better time. This movie has been in development hell as far back as 2008. If you look at some of the promotional material, you’ll see some really cool act that depicts a much more darker and interesting police noir type film. With a film being in production for the past 10 years, and the very cool promotional material for the film, why the hell didn’t we get something better and akin to a new puppet classic, but for adults?

I have a theory. For starters, they probably shouldn’t have hired a guy (Jim Henson’s son no less, Brian Henson) who hasn’t directed a God damn film since Muppet Treasure Island back in 1996. While he has actually proven himself with children puppet movies in the past, clearly this film was way out of his league. If he was going for a police noir type puppet crude and sexual humor comedy, the overall tone should’ve been much darker. Everything in this movie is too bright and cheery, including the cinematography. If you are going to make a R rated puppet flick, don’t direct it like you think children are going to see the movie. What they should’ve done is hire another director, and a different cinematographer, to help Brian Henson with the movie. Brian Henson could’ve been the sole person in charge of the puppetry, while the director got the tone and everything else right.

But like I said in the first paragraph, it is mainly the story that is extremely mediocre. It has a good set up, in a world where puppets and humans co-exist, someone is killing puppets that were on a popular show called The Happytime Gang, and no a disgraced puppet ex-cop and his old human partner, played by Melissa McCarthy, but now solve these murders before all the fluff hits the fan. The beginning is really good and funny, especially at the beginning where you have the first words out of a puppets mouth be “fuck you” and some hilarious hijinks in a puppet adult themed porn shop, but the rest of the film and the execution is sloppy and boring. I didn’t care who was murdering puppets or why. I didn’t even try to think hard to try and figure out the mystery, because I didn’t care, because the movie didn’t have me engaged enough.

The puppets are the stars of this film, and the guy that is the puppeteer and voices the main character, Bill Barretta, does a great job as Phil Phillips (no wonder though, he also does my favorite Muppet of all time, The Swedish Chef). There are too many other puppets to mention on here, and some of the jokes I consider spoilers, but just know that all the puppeteers do fantastic puppetry and voice work. The human characters are all blah. Melissa McCarthy does her same old blah schtik. Elizabeth Banks and Joel McHale look like they are just there for their blah paychecks. Completely blah human characters all around (Maya Rudolph is even wasted here). If you still really want to see this film (still see it, don’t let any of my reviews stop you from seeing what you want to see), the only way I can recommend it is for the hilarious first 15 minutes, a couple of jokes between that and the end, and the masterful puppet work (especially the end credits). This was extremely disappointing, and just makes me want to watch Meet The Feebles or Sausage Party again to brighten up my vulgar non-kids “kids” movie fix. I can also watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit to watch something that did both the noir feel and the masterful storytelling perfectly (that isn’t near as vulgar).

Netflix keeps spewing out these “original” movies week by week by week. I don’t have time to watch them all, so if I do watch it and review it for you here it is because of one of three things: 1. I happened upon the trailer and it peaked my interest, 2. Word of Mouth a week or two after its release, 3. Another Cloverfield Sequel. For TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE, it is definitely reason #3. I’m kidding obviously, it is a combination of the first two. I’ve been hearing that girls love this movie to death the past week on Screen Rant and a bunch of other click bait websites, and that some males have even been into it too. So I went to trailer, was intrigued, and decided to watch. My verdict? Pretty damn good little Netflix original. And it all has to do with the believability of the dialogue, script in general, and all the actors and actresses involved, especially the lead played by Lana Condor (she played Jubilee in X-Men:Apolcolypse, but didn’t really have much to do).

Does it follow every single romantic comedy beat known to mankind? Absolutely. The movie has a classic rom-com set up (I know it is based on a trilogy of novels I just haven’t read it): Lara Jean, a 16 year old, who’s mom passed away when she was young, lives with her father and two sisters, the older which is about to go off to college. She is kind of a loner at school, but she has one best girl friend, she is good friends with her older sister’s boyfriend, and she has the classic “used to be best friend but lost her sometime after middle school because of popularity” rom com enemy. Anyway, she is really shy, and over the years have written (and addressed) 5 love notes to five guys she has fallen for her whole life, even though they all had no idea. The letters end up going missing from a box in her room, and suddenly the guys she wrote to in the past are confronting her about her letters. Who ended up sending the letters, but more importantly, what is going to come of all this, as Lara Jean’s life is suddenly upturned and she is the center of attention to everyone.

I’ve said this a million times in my reviews, I could go into more of the plot, like how one of the letters is to the most popular guy in school (and happens to be dating her rom com enemy) and another to her sister’s boyfriend, but the less I say the better. I have to admit, I should’ve seen the ultimate outcome of the story coming, but some aspects through me for a loop, and I know the reason why. I was basing my guesses on what would in the climax on the classic rom-com formula. The reason why the movie was so enjoyable is that it ended up not going down several of those paths and decided to take a more realistic approach to how this kind of situation would happen in real life. I kept guessing. And then I kept changing my guesses. I eventually got it, but by then the movie was almost over anyway, so it doesn’t really count.

The performances are wait makes the movie really, really stand out. John Corbett shows up as the lovable dad, Israel Broussard follows up his charming performance in Happy Death Day with another here, Noah Centineo from The Fosters plays a really down to Earth most popular guy in school performance, and Janel Parrish from Pretty Little Liars is good in her limited screen time as Lara’s sister. But it is Lana Condor, who plays Lara, the makes takes the movie to a more enjoyable and believable level. She hits just the right marks playing a girl that is on that borderline from being a loner and shy to starting to be the center of attention in everyone’s eyes. Her performance really brings out the character devlopment in Lana, and if played by any other actress, it could’ve completely felt two dimensional.

I could get into the whole SJW thing with the fact that all the studios that wanted this film only wanted it if the main character was changed to be white instead of Asian and all that sensitive mess, and that Netflix was the only studio that agreed to keep the ethnicity of the character the way it is, but I’m not going to get into it. The only thing I’ll say is that I believe that Netflix did the right thing of keeping the ethnicity the same and then casting Lana Condor in the role, because she is phenomenal. If this and Crazy Rich Asians shows America anything is that people are willing to seek out and give money to movies that aren’t whitewashed if they are great storytelling devices such as these two possess. If you haven’t already, go check out Crazy Rich Asians in theaters for a scrumptious cinematic meal, then go home and watch this for a very sweet and savory dessert.

MILE 22 could’ve been a pretty decent flick if it would’ve just slowed the fuck down and added about 20 minutes to its runtime. That way each camera shot/cut/edit what have you could’ve been more than the max of 3.5 seconds a piece (probably averages around 2 seconds for the whole film). This movie is basically 16 Blocks on cocaine. The film literally has no room to breath thus everything (story, action shots, characterization) suffers. The movie isn’t as bad as the critics are making it out to be, the film is watchable, and the first ten minute raid is actually pretty damn good, but the rest of the film seemed super rushed, as if they had a short window to shoot because everybody else was doing different things. This is definitely Mark Wahlberg and Peter Berg’s worst collaboration yet, and after the poor box office results, maybe they should stick to what they are good at: adaptations of real life events instead of a jumbled up ass fictional script.

What is so frustrating about all of this is that all the ingredients were there to make a pretty good film, instead of a confusing okay one. Mark Wahlberg’s Silva character is very interesting but you only get to know about him through a quick introductory credits sequence, and the fact that he yells almost every single line while annoyingly pulling and slapping a rubber ban on his wrist to keep himself calm. Lauren Cohen’s character has a decent family (why in the fuck would you work for a cover ops branch of the government if you want to see your daughter) dynamic, but it too is rushed with a quick video call with the daughter and ex that lasts 20 seconds? The character that is explored the most in this is The Raid’s Iko Uwais, and even his dynamic of being a pretty bad ass martial artist is rushed with the camera never just settling on him so we can see those sweet fighting movies. His moves are cut off quicker than a Michael Bay or Paul Greengrass film. Peter Berg knows how to direct, especially with his last three collaborations with Wahlberg, so I don’t get the unnecessary shaky cam/quick cut stuff with this film. A director uses this method when they know that they aren’t a very good action director, and those cuts will make it seem like it is ‘bad ass fury fighting’ when in actuality if the camera stayed still it would look pretty tame and fake. It really doesn’t make sense with Iko Uwais fight scenes, because if you’ve seen The Raid, you know the guy is a bad ass martial artist. My thinking? The whole shoot was rushed and the editing person only had a few rough takes to edit together and not much to work with.

When I compared the movie to 16 Blocks, I wasn’t kidding. The story deals with this covert ops ghost government team led by Wahlberg and John Malkovich, and this man named Li Noor has some important information to give them that involved chemicals that can be used to build bombs that are worse than anything that has come before, including Hiroshima. He will give the government the information, as long as he is on a plane to the United States that is 22 miles away. Those 22 miles are supposed to seem like forever since they get bombarded with people trying to kill Noor. The movie has some good action beats, and the movie is a short 94 minutes, but it goes by way too fast and feels way too rushed. Also, the movie abruptly ends, and I get why it does (because they believe they were going to make a trilogy of films, this weekend box office says otherwise), but it still leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The movie even has a interesting twist, that if explored more, could’ve been a nice treat instead of a shrug.

Anyway, this is a Netflix watch or Redbox rental at best. There are definitely worse films out there right now, like Mamma Mia 2 or The Spy Who Dumped me, but there are better ones, like Mission Impossible Fallout and BlacKkKlansman that deserve your box office bucks more. The film wasn’t terrible, it’s just frustratingly okay. I would like to try it out again if some extended cut with like 15 to 20 extra minutes were released, because it feels like an unfinished film. I want to blame director Peter Berg, but in the end, I always blame Hollywood, the production company, and the producers. They should always…ALWAYS…know better.

Like I’ve told you before, for all of you, my wife Diane likes doing a quick review of the movies that are geared more toward the opposite sex so that I don’t always rip my claws into them all the time. So I proudly present my wife’s review of CRAZY RICH ASIANS:

Crazy Rich Asians is crazy awesome! It’s a great romantic comedy the likes of which they do not make any more. Not since the days of Reese Witherspoon and Matthew McConaughey has there been a more classic romantic comedy. It covers all bases, from the silly best friend with good advice, to the ex- that wants to get back together, and the cliché wardrobe closet montage scene where the characters play dress up.

The guys are nice to look at. The performances are great. And the characters are relateable so that you root for them. The tone is lighthearted so it does not leave you emotionally drained. All around, it’s a good time that keeps your attention and make you want to watch it again and again and again.

ZACH’S TWO CENTS: Diane is right, this is a really good movie, and they really don’t make these old classic rom-coms like they use to anymore. Everything that we get now is all millenial-ized and too over the top with completely unbelievable situations, overacting performances, with bombastic climaxes. This movie keeps it very simple. Sure, it is a tried and true formula that has been done a thousand times before, but when the new formula is an unwanted pest that just won’t leave, sometimes something old is something new again. The set up is clear and cliche: a crazy rich Asian man that currently resides in New York takes his long time Asian girlfriend, a regular college theory professor, to Singapore because he is the best man at a friends wedding there and he wants her to meet his parents. Does he plan on popping the question afterwards? Does a bear shit in the woods? So yes, you’ve heard it all before, and that set up would be in both the old classic rom com formula and the newer one, but there is a huge difference. Here is an example: the new millenial-lized rom com would have the main character crashing into a cake, which crashes into two people holding an ice sculpture that crashes into the wedding DJ’s set, that crashes all over the food and completely ruins the in-laws outfits or something to that unrealistic nature. This movie? Nope, not that kind of scene here, in fact the girl, played to note perfection by Contance Wu, does almost all the right things, except for one little case of mistaken identity that lasts only 3 seconds and she spills wine on her boyfriends shirt at another point in the film. Everything that happens is completely predictable, only this time it is refreshing to not roll your eyes to the ridiculousness of it all. Think of classic rom-coms in the 80s and 90s. If you miss those and are sick of the new shit, Crazy Rich Asians is the cure.

Well, little did I know I was in for a little treat when deciding to put on something I haven’t seen before while eating Chik-Fil-A for lunch. I put on a Netflix original film (meaning it was probably rejected by every major studio theater and Netflix is flowing in the dough so it is buying almost everything nowadays) THE PACKAGE, which means “The Penis,” but I’ll get to that in a moment. The movie looked like a dumb crude teenage comedy and that’s what I suddenly felt like at the moment. I’m not going to tell you it was something different, because it is exactly what I just said it was, but I actually laughed at quite a few things in the movie, I’ve been quoting some of the lines all day, and the movie entertained me the whole way through.

The movie is about five teenage friends that go camping when one of them comes back to the States for a week after being out of the country for a bit. One of them has a fake id, they grab a whole bunch of drinks and they go out into the woods. The one with the fake ID gets super drunk, super fast, and when taking a piss, accidentally cuts off his penis at the base. And there is where I’m going to stop. The rest of the movie acts as a race against time sort of road trip film to get to a hospital with said severed penis. So if you don’t like looking at chopped off dicks, then stay far away from this movie. Because it doesn’t shy away from showing that severed penis every which way that it can. The penis goes through the ringer, getting dirty, damaged, if you think a certain thing will happen to it, it probably it does. That cock goes through the ringer.

Also if you don’t like crude humor, again, stay far away.. It gets really crude, very often, and throws almost every dick and fart joke in plus the kitchen sink. The movie was produced by the three main stars of Workaholics, and even features a cameo by one of them, but you aren’t likely to recognize anybody in the movie, unless you watch Mom on CBS, or have seen Blockers, or the Netflix original Alex Strangelove. But all the kids have good chemistry together and brought a lot of laughs with some very memorable lines, including a fantastic Disney reference.

No, this isn’t one of the years best films at all. I just had a good time and if I ever watch it again it will be with friends that haven’t seen it. It’s a drunk/stoner comedy through and through. I liked the premise, and even though they have done movies before where they are in a race against time to get some kind of vital organ to a recipient in time, I’ve never seen it be a severed penis. There are worse things on Netflix, and trust me when I say, this is one of the better things to watch for the $12.99 you pay per month.

Now before reading this and before balking at the fact that I consider BLACKKKLANSMAN to be Spike Lee’s best film…ever…just know that I have seen Do The Right Thing, Malcolm X, 25th Hour, He Got Game, Summer of Sam, Inside Man…I’ve seen most of his filmography, yes, even the very mediocre remake of Oldboy. I can 200% back up with all my film watching confidence in the world tell you that Blackkklansman is (my) favorite Spike Lee film. It is a masterpiece of epic proportions that make it required viewing in the times that we are living in today. It speaks to several layers of racism, media coverage, politics, and even employment all at once that makes up a remarkable, entertaining, shocking, thoughtful, and heartfelt true story. If this doesn’t come away with a couple of Oscars come Feb 2019, everyone should be ashamed of themselves.

Everything about this movie is special. From the hard hitting opening with a cameo by a very well known famous actor, to the gut punch of a ending stinger showing real life events of horrors we have to deal with today, to every grand thing in between, is masterful. The movie is based on a true story of Ron Stallworth, the first black detective in Colorado Springs, Colorado police department that successfully infiltrates the Ku Klux Klan. He does this by calling them himself and having his detective partner Flip (played by Adam Driver), do all the in person stuff. All the intricacies of how he does it and how he keeps it so long I’m going to let the movie show you, because the journey is the full ride. One could argue that Spike Lee’s films for the past decade have been mostly point and shoot films, with none of his signature style that he gave us in his early movies such as Do The Right Thing or Malcolm X. One could also argue those are the only movies we was allowed or hired to make so his heart wasn’t really in it. Well, please welcome Spike Lee back into the fold. His direction here is flawless. You can tell his heart and soul was completely in this picture. He has some of his signature style mixed in with some new ultra cool shots that reminded me of the great blaxploitation films of the 70’s, they even mention a couple such as Shaft and Superfly.

I also loved how the movie didn’t just go right into Ron Stallworth infiltrating the Ku Klux Klan. The film starts as a slow burn that just keeps escalating and escalating until the fantastic finally where everything was paid off. They start off Ron going undercover at a Black Panthers meeting where actor Cory Hawkins speech as Kwame Ture is breathtaking and powerful. Ron Stallworth also has a love interest in the movie played by Spider-Man Homecoming’s Laura Harrier. And their relationship in the film is one of the best romantic subplots I have seen so far in films of 2018. It naturally progresses and it felt real, not manufactured or rushed. Interestingly enough, I can’t fail to mention that Ron Stallworth is played by Denzel Washington’s son (yes, THAT DENZEL) John David Washington. Evidentally, his son obviously inherited some of his father’s acting chops, because he is incredible in this. Heck, everyone is incredible. You don’t think Adam Driver can act? Compare his performances in this and the Last Jedi, if that doesn’t prove this guy can act, I don’t know what will for you. He is great as Stallworth’s Jewish detective partner and their chemistry shines.

Heck, Topher Grace, who I think is an absolutely terrible one note actor, gives the best performance of his career as David Duke (real life ‘grand wizard’ of the Klu Klux Klan). They show a little clip at the end of the film of the real David Duke, and my God did Topher do his homework to actually portray this weird and awful individual. Another individual that you probably hadn’t heard of because his career is mostly in Finnish movies, and he just broke out here in America with the show Vikings is Jasper Pääkkönen, who plays Felix Kendrickson, a very nasty racist who tries to prove that Flip isn’t who he says he is the entire film.

This movie is powerful and easily one of the best of the year. And again, in my opinion, I think this is Spike Lee’s best film. He took the time, passion, and love, pouring his blood, sweat, soul, and tears into this film, and it completely pays off. Its message is powerful, the story is amazing, it walks that fine line between comedy, dark comedy, and drama, and is entertaining the entire run time. Come nomination time, this movies title will probably be said over and over again. In fact, if it doesn’t, there may be some serious backlash towards the Academy. It really is a near perfect film. Please check it out, it is vitally important that you do.

There is enough evidence to support the on going (probably now scientific) fact that there will never be a shark attack/thriller movie as masterful or better than Jaws. You know that meme of that guy with the table sipping coffee, with a sign in front that says, “blah blah blah is better/the best/equal to blah blah blah, change my mind?” Jaws can easily be on that sign, and I don’t think one person could come to the table and argue against it. Jaws itself had a awful production history if you look into it, the studio and even Spielberg himself worried it was going to be a disaster. You know how you don’t really get that many good looks at the shark, which turned the film into a “getting scared of the unknown rather than the known” type situation? That wasn’t supposed to happen. You were almost always supposed to see the shark. Well, now we have the technology to show the shark. Deep Blue Sea was one of the first movies to attempt using Hollywood’s upgraded technology to do another shark attack movie. And you have to give Renny Harlin and the screenwriters some balls for not just simply trying to remake Jaws. No, the story was self contained and tried to make the sharks smart and shit. The result? A movie I remember my dad taking me too when I was only the age of 13, and me loving every single damn minute of it. Watching it years later, to me, a lot of it still holds up. Mostly the animatronics, the acting, direction, shots, and mood hold up. The shark SFX do not. But honestly, that movie will always be remembered for Samuel L. Jackson’s mid movie speech alone. And isn’t that the points of most movies is? To be remembered?

Fuck, I haven’t even gotten to my review of THE MEG have I? Fear not, I am trying to make a point. With Jaws, being the masterpiece, and I had seen Jaws before Deep Blue Sea, when going into that theater with my father, I knew that I needed to shut my brain off to probably enjoy it. As a rule of a cinematic lovers thumb, in my book, a rule of a marathon of movies is 3 related but not directly related (aka sequels) together back to back to back, pauses for peeing and eating (although if you are smart enough you don’t even need those breaks).To look at the other side, a directly related marathon consists of 4 movies that are all sequels, prequels, what have you together. You could have a zombie marathon consisting of Zombieland, Dawn of the Dead, and Shaun of the Dead. A Swarzanegger marathon of Running Man, True Lies, and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Alas, I have never had a shark marathon. It’s always just been a double feature consisting of Jaws and then Deep Blue Sea, or vise versa, depending on the mood. It’s true that I haven’t seen every single shark film, and if I would’ve pursue it I couldn’t found a different one that I liked. But I can’t stand Sharknado, Sharktopus, Open Water, Shark’s Tale, 47 Meters Down. I think the closest it has ever gotten has been Blake Lively in The Shallows, but the movie takes itself so seriously that when the ending is unapologetically goofy and physics wise doesn’t make sense, it ruined all that came before.

With The Meg, I finally have my shark attack marathon that I’ve been desperately wanting since 1999. As with Deep Blue Sea, The Meg mostly plays it straight although at points walks that fine line of sillyness (but doesn’t get to the extremes of any terrible SciFi made for television movie). Some of the SFX are fantastic while some aren’t as precise as if there was maybe a little more time spent on them. But the acting is very well done, especially from our always reliable go to tough man Mr. Jason Statham. I’m warning you though, if you go into this expecting Jaws like epic storytelling, just don’t go in. Turning off your brain during this is a must to enjoy, but enjoy it you will if you do.

I loved that the movie, like Jaws, took its time when showing the massive prehistoric shark and even after it is revealed doesn’t go all George Lucas Episode 1 filling it in the frame the entire time. The movie actually cares about its story, and only shows or brings back the shark when it serves it, nothing too obligatory (that stood out in my mind). The movie even had the balls to bring about a mid act twist that you can completely see coming if you ever saw the movie Lake Placid.

Jason Statham is of course perfect for his tough guy role and BingBing Lee is good (even though their relationship and chemistry seems a little force), and everybody else in the film, even Dwight Schrute himself Rainn Wilson, all get their moments to shine, although one of the best parts and jobs done in the film was Masi Oka (Hiro from Heroes) small part in the film.

Just like Deep Blue Sea, this movie is a blast seeing it with friends or family. It is also one of those films that when it hits home video you should see it with a group of people, point laugh, make fun of it, or get jumpy. It gets that good feeling late summer tone just right. If I had any complaints, is that is wish the movie would’ve doubled down on its box office bet and had just shot and kept it for an R rating. I have a feeling the R rating (with gratiouitous gore and Statham cursing a whole lot more) could’ve made the movie even better and more of a blast, where it could’ve even gotten close to my love of Deep Blue Sea territory. Also, the consistency with the size of the shark with each shot I would say is off but considering that we are dealing with SFX here, it’s very minor.

So, if you love Jaws and Deep Blue Sea and have been clamoring for that shark attack flick itch since 1999 (or if you hate Deep Blue Sea, totally understandable, and you’ve been waiting since 1975), The Meg should fit that bill. Go into it with low expectations and turn off your brain and I guarantee you won’t be turned off.

Hopefully, we’ll see, this is going to be one of my shorter reviews because really even saying anything that happens in EIGHTH GRADE is a bit of a spoiler. Because the movie is a very tight and lean 90 minutes, and when looking back at the trailer, I feel that even it gives too much away. All you really need to know about this movie, is that its about a girl named Kayla that is one week from finishing eighth grade, that star Elsie Fisher (she’s not really a newcomer, she’s been in a couple of things and is the voice of Agnes in the Despicable Me movies) is a revelation, and that stand up comedian/actor Bo Burnham wrote and directed this. Yes, THAT Bo Burnham. The one that does all those jokes and shit while playing the piano. He was also recently in Rough Night and The Big Sick. His debut here is nothing short of astonishing.

Eighth Grade perfectly captures and depicts the school experience the most realistically that I have seen in any school film/television show/entertainment format that I can remember. Yes, even more realistic that 13 Reasons Why. And the realistic aspect that 13 Reasons Why even captured in Season 1 was almost completely thrown out the window in season 2. The entire time watching this film I was taken back to my very awkward and embarrassing middle school years. This film hit every right note I can think of to that experience, and it even goes one further and enhances it to our more tumultuous times as of recently, including sexual harassment and extreme bullying. I don’t know what actress Elsie Fisher is like in real life, but in this, she is extraordinary. I really don’t think she is playing herself, and if she isn’t, she is that good. Every like, uh, stumble in her speech felt completely real, that by near when the 90 minutes are over, when her and her dad are having what is basically a fire side chat, I had a lump in my throat, because I really felt for her character of Kayla.

Also, the father, played by Josh Hamilton (not of Texas Ranger fame), is also fantastic as the dad. His reactions and his speeches to his daughter felt so real and honest that he almost, ALMOST, pushed that lump in my throat to tears streaming down my face. This movie is fantastic, and if you haven’t heard of it (although that would be weird, it is being heavily marketed as the independent film of the summer), you need to skip watching the trailer and just find a movie theater near you that is playing it and trust me on this. It is better than seeing shitty unrealistic drivel and shit like The Spy Who Dumped Me. Bo Burnham’s eye for the camera and the dialogue in his script are breathtaking, and if he has to take a break from acting or doing his stand up routine to give us more films like this, I’ll embrace it with open arms.

THE SPY WHO DUMPED ME really comes out this coming Friday, August 3rd, but it had a nationwide sneak preview Friday night. Sneak previews like this always mean one of two things. Either the movie is really really really good, but they don’t think the general public will be interested in it, so a sneak preview allows them to get some advanced word of mouth…or…the movie is so fucking bad that they hope the modern audience members who don’t know any better laugh at the stupid shit that might as well been written by immature 17 year old and then will falsely spread a false good of mouth to other modern audience members who don’t know any better, getting trapped in the mediocrity. So, if my second explanation on the “sneak preview” is longer than the first, where do you think my opinion lies? In reality, there is a secret option C that combines explanation #2 with the fact that one of the best films of the year to also out this weekend is also in the spy genre. So anybody seeing Fallout Thursday night or Friday during the day, needing more of a spy genre fix, go and see the sneak preview. Boy…how much of a mistake my wife and I made with that decision?

Mission Impossible Fallout is one of the best films of the year. The Spy Who Dumped Me is one of the worst. It is a hour and a half of unfunny stupid scenes upon really unfunny stupid scenes that basically just contain Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon screaming in a bunch of different weird ways, hoping one of them will make you laugh if they add the sentence, “what the fuck is going on?!” If you thought Kate McKinnon was weird in the Ghostbusters reboot/remake or unbearable in Rough Night, she takes the cake in this movie, and is the most Godly unfunny annoying character she has ever been. I’m wondering if she is really only funny on Saturday Night Live, and everything else she is in you kind of just want to chop your ears off and stab your eyes out. Even in the new episode of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, she doesn’t seem like she has an off switch, and was painfully unfunny in that as well. I still think she is very deserving of those Emmy’s she has won for SNL, and I find her funny and delightful on that show, so maybe it is just that the material on SNL is better than anything she has done so far movie wise, but she’s getting awfully close to how sick I was of Melissa McCarthy in the few projects she had after Bridesmaids.

In fact, speaking of Melissa McCarthy, this movie tries so hard to be Paul Feig’s SPY, but doesn’t even come close to any of the laughs that film had to offer. The movie is about Mila Kunis, who gets dumped by Justin Theroux, and her best friend Kate McKinnon tries to console her, so they decide to burn his personal items left over at her place. He is involved in this really dumb and terribly shot opening action sequence, and when he gets the text that she’s burning his shit, he calls her telling her not to (mainly because that McGuffin is one of those items), and he’ll come back and apologize and explain everything Two CIA agents, one played by that main guy from Outlander, explaining that he is a spy and he is involved on a dangerous mission and bad guys might be after her to. Then the bad guys do come after her, and both her and her friend are internationally on the run. Yada yada yada, Gillian Anderson is wasted as the CIA boss, yada yada yada, can’t trust anyone, yada yada yada, terrible fucking third act.

The plot is so stupid, and it seems like the writers of this and Skyscraper teamed up and somehow came up with the exact same ultimate McGuffin, both contained on a thumb drive. Only this movie tries to be funny and have the thumb drive being shoved up both of their vaginas to keep it away from the bad guys. Are we not past shoving shit up the butt and vagina jokes? The last funny one was maybe Girl’s Trip and only God knows the funny one before that. The movie is rated R, but honestly would have had the exact same effect if it were PG-13, and all of the F words were taken out and it didn’t show a really stupid sight gag of a male characters dick and balls. The exact same effect being not funny. Everything in the movie is highly predictable, and every single character in the movie is really really dumb and stupid.

Mila Kunis doesn’t play anyone new either, she’s as if Jackie from That 70s show was thrown in a shitty R rated comedy. Please for the love of God skip this movie when it comes out August 3rd. I normally am a wannabe critic that says to please still see whatever you want even if I give it a bad review, but like this year’s A Wrinkle In Time, this is just so bad that I can’t do that this time. If you were really looking forward to it and still really want to see it, wait for a Netflix drop of it or until it is rentable for only $1. You’ll only find this funny if you thought that I Feel Pretty or Life of the Party was funny. Just really unfunny writing, with unfunny performances, with people trying to scream at each other for laughs. Forget about having to dump this film, this wouldn’t even get a 2nd date.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT is my favorite film of 2018. So far. Yes, I know it’s only July and some sneaky little surprise could come lurking its way to me come December. And yes, I liked this more than Avengers: Infinity War. It is just unbelievable how this franchise is getting better and better (in a way even better than the Fast & Furious series) and hasn’t gone the way of series like Die Hard, and Alien, and Predator, and Terminator, and keep entering franchises here that have overstayed their welcome. Tom Cruise might be a crazy couch jumping Scientologist but disregarding his personal life, the man knows how to make a movie, and he has NEVER EVER EVER EVER phoned in a performance. I know I keep saying that in every Cruise review movie I do, but its true. The man really loves his job, and it shows. But the true star of this film, especially the past two has been writer/director Christopher McQuarrie. With this, Rogue Nation, Way of the Gun, and The Usual Suspects, the man knows how to make a pot boiler explode (in a good way). Fallout is just one of those good old fashioned action adventures that reminded me of those in the same genre in the mid 80’s/90s except cranked up to the nth degree.

The less you know going into this movie the better. Unfortunately since my brain works abnormally when I’m watching a movie, I was able to deduce several things that happened because of what I saw in the trailers and television spots. I guessed too easily too quickly the reveals of who the true bad guys are, the double, and even triple crosses. You might be able to figure it out easily as well, who knows? But all of that guessing didn’t bother me at all, because the journey to those revelations were witty, smart, and ingeniously written. There were a bunch of small surprises I didn’t see coming, and while I usually like it the other way around (I love big revelations), everything else, especially the action set pieces, stunned me into a movie lovers dream coma. So that being said, I am not going to describe the plot all that much. It involves Ethan Hunt once again trying to save the world with his usual teammates played by Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames (the latter having the most to do since the third movie). This time some plutonium is stolen and a faction of the group The Syndicate, who know call themselves The Apostles, with a mysterious new leader only known by the name of John Lark, want to blow up parts of the world because they think that “the greater the suffering, the greater the peace.” Anyway, the bad guy from Rogue Nation, Solomon Kane, is also involved, as well as Ilsa, the MI6 agent whose allegiances are still really unknown in this.

People keep asking me if they should watch all the other films before watching this one. Um, duh. Yes. Watching them all makes you appreciate how much greater the movies have gotten. If you are in a pinch though, you basically only need to watch 3, 4, and 5, but I implore you to take your time and check every one out if you haven’t already. The only ‘meh’ entry in the series is the 2nd one, which is basically just John Woo and Metallica pleasuring themselves in a circle jerk. The only reason to watch that one are Tom Cruise doing the stunts (especially the motorcycle finale), but the story is as mediocre and lazy as it gets. While John Woo action is cool, it is mostly fake action. In Fallout, every action set piece, looks and feels real. They even use the take where Cruise is jumping from one building to another, where he didn’t make it, broke his ankle, and the production shut down for a month so he could heal. The halo jump is awesome. The motorcycle chase in this is awesome. The helicopter chase in this is awesome. Everything in this movie bleeds awesome. See it on the biggest screen you can, with the best sound that you can.

I loved the entire cast in this one. Everybody gets something important to do, even if they don’t have that much screen time. Alec Baldwin is good, Angela Bassett is good, Vanessa Kirby is good. Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames are two of the best people in this entire series. Rebecca Ferguson as Ilsa Faust needs to be added to the list of characters that comes back every time (as long as it serves the story). Michelle Monoghan is back and even her character is tied perfectly into the story without it feeling forced. I didn’t like Sean Harris’ Solomon Kane in the last movie, his villainy felt kind of too relaxed, but in this film, he is much more dangerous and crazy, and I now completely relish him as a villain. And then we have Henry Cavill, Superman himself, who steals some of the scenes he is in, including a top notch bathroom fight early on in the film. But this show belongs to Cruise. His blood, sweat, yet probably no tears completely fuels this franchise engine. The dude is 56, still doing all his own stunts (I wish him and Keanu Reeves would do an action film together). And the even greater reason why this is his show is that his character of Ethan Hunt is the most fleshed out it has ever been in the series. And Cruise’s acting takes it beyond the level that it needs to be, bringing humanity in the couple of quieter moments the film has.

But yeah, don’t drink a soda while watching this film. It is two and a half hours, and there are no good parts to take a bathroom break. You will miss something important if you do. I know there are Cruise haters out there, but eveb if you don’t like Tom Cruise because of his personal life, try to set that aside and accept this mission. You’ll be glad you took the ride. This review will self destruct from your memory in 5 seconds.

Ranking of Mission movies:

1. Fallout
2. Ghost Protocol
3. Rogue Nation
4. M:i-1
5. M:i-3
6. M:i-2