Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE PACKAGE (NETFLIX) (minor beginning spoilers)

Well, little did I know I was in for a little treat when deciding to put on something I haven’t seen before while eating Chik-Fil-A for lunch. I put on a Netflix original film (meaning it was probably rejected by every major studio theater and Netflix is flowing in the dough so it is buying almost everything nowadays) THE PACKAGE, which means “The Penis,” but I’ll get to that in a moment. The movie looked like a dumb crude teenage comedy and that’s what I suddenly felt like at the moment. I’m not going to tell you it was something different, because it is exactly what I just said it was, but I actually laughed at quite a few things in the movie, I’ve been quoting some of the lines all day, and the movie entertained me the whole way through.

The movie is about five teenage friends that go camping when one of them comes back to the States for a week after being out of the country for a bit. One of them has a fake id, they grab a whole bunch of drinks and they go out into the woods. The one with the fake ID gets super drunk, super fast, and when taking a piss, accidentally cuts off his penis at the base. And there is where I’m going to stop. The rest of the movie acts as a race against time sort of road trip film to get to a hospital with said severed penis. So if you don’t like looking at chopped off dicks, then stay far away from this movie. Because it doesn’t shy away from showing that severed penis every which way that it can. The penis goes through the ringer, getting dirty, damaged, if you think a certain thing will happen to it, it probably it does. That cock goes through the ringer.

Also if you don’t like crude humor, again, stay far away.. It gets really crude, very often, and throws almost every dick and fart joke in plus the kitchen sink. The movie was produced by the three main stars of Workaholics, and even features a cameo by one of them, but you aren’t likely to recognize anybody in the movie, unless you watch Mom on CBS, or have seen Blockers, or the Netflix original Alex Strangelove. But all the kids have good chemistry together and brought a lot of laughs with some very memorable lines, including a fantastic Disney reference.

No, this isn’t one of the years best films at all. I just had a good time and if I ever watch it again it will be with friends that haven’t seen it. It’s a drunk/stoner comedy through and through. I liked the premise, and even though they have done movies before where they are in a race against time to get some kind of vital organ to a recipient in time, I’ve never seen it be a severed penis. There are worse things on Netflix, and trust me when I say, this is one of the better things to watch for the $12.99 you pay per month.


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