LOGAN LUCKY is easily the best heist film since 2001’s Ocean’s Eleven, and the funny part is that both are directed by the same man, Steven Soderberg. Even making fun of it’s self in the film (at one point a reporter calls it Ocean’s 7-11), this heist film has a hillbilly redneck southern twist to it that makes it much more enjoyable than if everything was played straight. It is a solid entertaining two hours where nothing feels out of place and it even manages to cook up a few surprises that I didn’t see coming. I’m writing this review now seeing that the movie didn’t make all that much at the box office this weekend, which is a shame because you should go out with your friends ASAP and see this. I swear you will have an enjoyable time.

What makes this film so good is the acting. Channing Tatum becomes a better actor with each film that he does, especially if he has Soderberg behind the lens. His country accent and manner is just right, not going too over the top, with a perfect southern drawl and presence. Adam Driver and Riley Keough do good here as well, as well as all the supporting players, Seth McFarlane, Katherine Waterson, Dwight Yoakem, Katie Holmes and Hilary Swank, even though a lot of them don’t get much screen time at all.

But the real winner is is 007 himself, Daniel Craig. He steals every single scene he is in and after Bond he should seriously go into more comedy roles, because he clearly has a knack for what makes an audience laugh. He completely lights up the screen here, with his very funny high pitched accent and mannerisms. He is worth the price of admission alone. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is Oscar worthy (some people have been saying that), I could see Daniel Craig getting nominated for an Oscar at some point in his life, and probably for a comedy and not a drama.

The story and heist is great. It isn’t like Rogue One where the heist is completely done in less than ten minutes. The film takes it’s time, with the entire second half of the film devoted to the heist, every second of which is fun and interesting. And the plan isn’t outlandish either, the screenplay is smart and doesn’t try to treat the audience as if they were idiots. Some critics have been saying it is hard to see that a heist could be planned by a person in real life that Channing Tatum plays, but I say that we all judge a book by its cover at some point, where a man like this could really be smarter and more than what he seems.

I loved this southern fried chicken heist. While not better than Ocean’s 11 or Snatched, it is way way better than any of the Ocean’s sequels and a movie I could completely keep on television and watch over and over in the coming future. Just like The Hitman’s Bodyguard it is a surprise late hit summer fun for me. You all made Hitman’s Bodyguard a modest hit the weekend, why don’t you go back and give Logan Lucky a shot. It is true that this film is being marketed more as a comedy than a heist, but it is both equal parts, with the heist not getting any back burner, and having fun right along with the comedy in the drivers seat.

WIND RIVER concludes writer/director Taylor Sheridan’s “American Frontier trilogy” that started with Sicario, and was followed up by Hell or High Water, both of which ended up on my best lists at the end of the year. Even though I don’t consider Sicario part of that trilogy (especially since it itself is having a sequel coming out next year and doesn’t really have the same feel as High Water or Wind River), I guess since people are grouping those three together, I will have to as well. And if so, my friends, this is one of those rare perfect “in spirit of” trilogies that is absolutely perfect, because not only is Wind River a masterpiece as well, but it will definitely be on my best list at the end of the year. Not as high as Hell or High Water (that was  #1, but definitely above Sicario).

You probably haven’t even fucking heard of Wind River. Which is fine because it is another independent film, but you should soon hear of it for Oscar noms and the fact that it stars to Avengers, Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye) and Elizabeth Olsen (Scarlet Witch). The movie takes place in Wyoming and it is about a US Fish and Wildlife Service Agent and an FBI agent who try to solve a murder on the Wind River Indian Reservation. Jeremy Renner finds a young woman frozen to death but foul play seems to be involved as it looks like she was raped before dying. Then Jeremy Renner uses his knowledge of tracking to help the FBI agent played by Olsen to find the criminals, looking for some solace in a tragic past that Renner himself experienced.

The cinematography in this film is absolutely beautiful. Every shot is expertly planned and I felt like I was out there in the snow with the entire cast. The tone, atmosphere, and mood of the film made me feel a bitter chill while watching the movie, exactly what I was supposed to feel. And the acting is absolutely top notch. Elizabeth Olsen proves that she needs more Oscar heavy fair, and Jeremy Renner gives his best performance since his Oscar nominated ones in The Town and Zero Dark Thirty.

Even though this is basically a “who-dun-it” mystery, don’t go in expecting a lot of twists and turns. It’s a straight forward investigation that goes absolutely haywire in it’s climax with a bittersweet kind of ending. The reveal of what happened is sad and absolutely horrifying, knowing that something so small can escalate into something so terrifying and nightmarish. The dialogue is smart, quip, and it feels as though real people are talking in the real world. Every character is well rounded and even the side characters, with little screen time, are three dimensional.

Wind River is an incredible masterpiece and a film I could watch over and over again. Taylor Sheridan is joining Tarantino, Mamet, and Boal as one of my favorite screenwriters of all time. His way with actors, words, character, stories, basically everything is thought provoking as well as thought out. We need more deary snow setting murder mystery movies. This chilled me to the bone and I loved every second. It is playing in a bunch of theaters now when it was limited last week, so you should easily be able to check it out. Please, please do.

When AMERICAN ASSASSIN comes out in about a month, I urge you to go and check it out in theaters. It a rip and roaring, non-stop action thrill ride whose pace never lets you go. It’s also a turn your brain off kind of sit back and eat popcorn type of good old fashioned entertainment. But it isn’t XXX Vin Diesel kind of cheesy. The film is a giant box packed to brim with tension and fantastic performances. Dylan O’Brian proves that he can ultimately get away from his Teen Wolf status, while Michael Keaton goes full on Michael Keaton at some points in the film where you wish he would just come back and do a sequel to Beetlejuice. A fun yet tense time at the movies.

Boy is the beginning of the film extremely hard to watch. If you’ve seen the previews, you know that Mitch Rapp (played by Dylan O’Brian is on vacation with his girlfriend when a bunch of terrorists come up on to the vacation beach resort and just start mowing down civilians with machine guns. And they do not cut away. It makes your heart pound knowing shit like this has happened in real life, and makes the audience sympathy with his character that much more interesting. He decides that he wants to get his revenge after seeing the main terrorist shoot his girlfriend down so for 12 months he prepares, extreme and non-stop. He gets the attention of the CIA and a special ops type of agent played by Sanaa Lathan, who recruits him and puts him under a man named Stan Hurley (Keaton) who trains the shit out of him for missions. When plutonium is stolen, Hurley and Rapp try to get to the bottom of it, finding out that a pupil (played by Taylor Kitsch) who was once under Hurley’s wing, is behind it all. And they have to stop it.

Yeah, the plot sounds generic with the whole stopping the bomb in time and stuff like that, but the journey is fantastic. The movie is long enough to have great action beats, character development, and fantastic thrills, without going Michael Bay overboard. And no, Bay doesn’t have anything to do with this film. Within the story there are a couple of twists that I didn’t see coming, and one of the twists is a nice “gotcha” moment that you think is going to go a cliched way that has been done before, but ends up going a different route.

I love that this moved never let up. It’s one of the action films you will actually remember, instead of the ones that have a great action scene at the beginning, too much flub and exposition in the middle, and then one of those anti-climatic endings that you can see from miles away. And I am loving Michael Keaton these past couple of years. He has gotten his career back and he is going full force masterful on us. First Spider-Man this year and now this. And there a couple of moments were Keaton goes full on bug-eyed, I don’t give a fuck Keaton moments from the 80s (like the original Batman, “You wanna get nuts?! Come on, let’s get nuts!) that had me laughing loud and hard.

American Assassin is the action movie of the early fall. I loved every minute of it and its one of those action pieces I could find on television one day and sit and watch all the way through again (I’m probably going to buy it anyway). What a roller coaster ride. Apparently, this was adapted from a long series of novels and if it does well we should be getting sequels. Please, see this, make it successful so we can get those sequels. But for now I’ll start reading the novels anyway. Please, see this in a month.

Look, if you can go back and look at my Facebook review of Annabelle, I was not kind. I hated and still hate the first Annabelle movie. It isn’t even in the same league of The Conjuring 1 and 2, even though it is in the same universe. But thankfully, continuing the trend set by Ouija 2: Origin of Evil, ANNABELLE 2 is not only better, it is scary as shit, tells a good tale, and finally enters the same ballpark with the greatness of both Conjuring movies. So I guess now if I hate the first movie in a horror franchise I should always look forward to the second one huh? Everything about this is better, and probably the reason for that is the directors changed, the director of the first went on to do the shitty Wish Upon, but this new guy did the Lights Out movie, which I thought was good and scary for being PG-13, but this is Rated R, and brings everything great to the table.

Annabelle Creation, just like Ouija: Origin of Evil, is a prequel to Annabelle, showing how the doll and the evil spirit within it, first came to be. In fact, it ties itself directly with the first film at the end to make sure it can be nothing but sequels from here on out, which I like. By the way, it is also starting to be like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, teasing it’s upcoming releases, and it does a great one mid movie with The Nun, which I wasn’t at first, but am now looking forward to. Anyway, this movie is about a couple, the husband of which makes dolls. His daughter dies in an accident at a early age and they pray to whatever power to bring it back. Unfortunately a demon answers, and they manage to keep it in a closet at bay. Also unfortunately, they now run their home as a sort of orphanage, and a bus full of orphaned girls and a woman nun are staying there.

And you slowly find out the story, and scary shit happens. I’m not going to ruin the rest of the film or any of the scares, because the scares and good and well earned. Even though I didn’t jump (Kim did because she’s a wuss) I was drained by the time the film ended, being on edge for the entire thing. Also, for a scary movie, the acting was top notch. All the kids did fantastic, and the adults all brought their A game as well. Wish there was more Miranda Otto in the film, as she is a fine actress, but the reason she isn’t there is valid, and she is very powerful when needed to be.

I just wish that like Child’s Play, the doll would actually move and talk, and that we would get that those great practical effects here like they did with Chucky back in the day. And while the first movie didn’t do that, unfortunately this one doesn’t either, but now that I think about it, not seeing the doll move and talk is creepier than actually seeing it, so I forgive it for all its trespasses. There is some predictability in this, as what objects or beings they will be used for scares, but the way they eventually bring those things into play is patient and brilliant. They don’t bring it up and then two minutes later play their hand. They keep their cards close to the chest the entire time.

To not waste your time and get you to go to a theater with a loud system, I am going to cut my review a little short (actually it is already a little long isn’t it?). If you want a scary time at the movies, look no further. Annabelle Creation is another rare sequel/prequel that is much much much much much better than the original. It provides plenty of thrills that aren’t cheap with a good serviceable story that ties everything together. This + Child’s Play will prevent you from ever buying dolls again.

I know, I know, you probably haven’t heard of this movie either. But I might make you interested after I tell you I loved this movie. And the fact that it is technically a Lonely Island production. Don’t know what Lonely Island is? Sheesh, well okay they are those guys from SNL including Andy Samberg, that made all those Digital Shorts and had those funny songs. They also made the movies Hot Rod  and Popstar Never Stop Never Stopping. Do I have your attention now? Well, as a movie itself, the movie is one of the better PG-13 comedies I have seen in a very long time. The story is a little dark, funny, touching, heartbreaking, all at the same time. I was totally engrossed.

The plot is actually really neat. This 30 year old man, is living with his Mom and Dad in this underground desert bunker. This man watching countless episodes and hours of this television show his parents give him old VHS copies of called Brigsby Bear, a Star Trek like cosmic leaching teaching hourlong tv show that this man is obsessed with. He has been told that there is toxic gas everywhere on Earth and they are the only people left. The FBI then bust in on the compound and reveal the truth. This man was obducted when he was very young from people and this Brigsby Bear television show was just something the father went off and made in this abandoned studio every week, just for this man to succumb to life lessons and stay in the bunker. So now this man, played by Kyle Mooney, is thrust into the lives of his real family, and has to figure life out. He feels completely out of his place, until he realizes that his true purpose it to expose the world to Brigsby Bear and to make his own movie to wrap up all of Brigsby’s adventures.

Sounds kind of fucked up right? Well it is, but the story feels real, it makes sense, is a little dark and sad, but also very funny. I normally don’t really like Kyle Mooney and the weird shit that he has done on SNL but this makes me turn my opinion around. If only he could make this magic on SNL, he’d completely win me over one day. This I think is Mark Hamill’s (he plays the fake dad) only live action performance before The Last Jedi, and man does he make me confident in bringing back Luke Skywalker, because even though he has very little screentime, he is really good here. He is in more the movie than you think, he provides all the voices to the television show, which as we know since he does the animated Joker, is nothing short of magical.

Kyle Mooney’s character trying to adjust to real life and making his Brigsby Bear movie is intriguing and engrossing. He’s funny when he needs to be, dumb when he needs to be, and he also has a couple of heartbreaking scenes where he is a true actor when he needs to be. There are a lot more famous actors in this too. Greg Kinnear plays a detective sympathetic to Mooney’s plight. Claire Danes plays Mooney’s therapist. Samberg has a cameo. And Mickeala Watkins and Matt Walsh play his real parents. And they are all very good. Kyle Mooney mainly tries to make a good relationship with a sister he never knew he has, played by The House’s Ryan Simkin’s, and she is good too and you can really feel their, siblingship per say, blossom.

This movie is really good, and you can see it right now at the Angelika or Cinemark West Plano. Kyle Mooney was actually at the Angelika theater the other night and Bigfanboy.com I believe they had coverage of the event. I’m surprised this isn’t a Netflix original, but maybe it might find its audience there. It is a cult classic movie in the making and will pick it up when it comes out, because I will be a Lonely Island completist, and I really loved this movie a lot. One of the better comedies of the summer and the best PG-13 one in a long time.

If you are reading this, and around the Dallas area, I think THE ONLY LIVING BOY IN NEW YORK is playing at Cinemark West Plano. But I would highly suggest waiting for Netflix, Redbox, what have you on this one. The only reason why this movie deserves a watch is because it is one of the few movies with a twist that I have never seen coming, and because that twist made the movie better. Without the twist, I don’t think I would’ve recommended this movie. Well, still maybe, because the performances, especially from Jeff Bridges, are top notch, it is just that the movie is really really generic and by the books, until the 2nd half, where everything finally gets interesting. So yeah this is a perfect Netflix rental, and you should check it out, once, whenever it hits a cheaper platform.

If you haven’t heard of this movie, it also stars Kate Beckingsale, Pierce Brosnan, Cythia Nixon, Callum Turner, and Kiersey Clemmons. It is about a young man, obviously, who really likes his best friend Mimi, but she just sees him as a friend. So this new apartment tenant, played by Jeff Bridges, strikes a friendship with the young man, and tells him in order to get her, he has to basically make her believe that he can go on fine without her. He is out one night with his friend when he spies his father, played by Brosnan, basically cheating on his mom with a younger woman, played by Beckinsale. He then confronts Beckinsale, and uh…yeah you can probably see a few things coming.

But not the twist! If you can guess the twist, good job, I commend you! It totally got me, and turned the film that I thought would have a generic, predictable, ending with feelings and acceptance in the rain, turned into another story, one much more satisfying. Critics have been complaining, that the young man, played by Callum Turner, is a jerk and unlikable. I found this to be totally disagreeable. While I find that his was the only performance that was a little stiff, I certainly didn’t find him to be a jerk at all, just confused. The best parts of the movie are him and Jeff Bridges having their life confirming conversations. Mainly because Jeff Bridges is just awesome to listen to anytime or anywhere. Their friendship feels very genuine.

And Kate Beckinsale is hot. I don’t care if it’s the worst Underworld film in the world, I will watch her in anything. She is gorgeous. But this is a review, and that is just my own biased opinion. But yes, Netflix this one, or maybe a dollar theater. You may be sitting through this movie and halfway through wondering what the hell I am talking about, you may be bored and not wondering when everything unexpected kicks in. This is one of the only movies I will say to give it time other than maybe Blade Runner. But don’t spend your hard earned box office bucks. It is a perfect rental for a date night or maybe with the family. For once, the M. Night Shayamalan twist, is actually the redeeming quality for the story, and not the entire story, or a compliment to the story. If you know what I’m even talking about. I’ll just shut up now.

I am very torn with THE GLASS CASTLE. Mind you, I have not read the true life novel so I have nothing to compare it to. On the one hand, the acting is incredible, with Brie Larson showing us again why she won that Oscar for room, and we are still scratching our heads why Woody Harrelson has never won an Oscar. On the other hand, going into this with just one theatrical trailer in my head, I felt cheated. I thought that it’s about a woman dealing with her high on life/weird aspects on living parents where she eventually has to accept them for their unconventional ways, but instead I’m treated to two wildly irresponsible parents, one who can’t see the bigger picture and is lazy, and the other drunk and can’t provide for his children. The acting is so good that it made me completely dislike the parents to the point where I don’t think I could’ve forgiven them if they were mine, where the inevitable ending didn’t feel earned at all.

But then on a third invisible hand, I felt that if I read the book, I might like it more, where it might reveal more redeemable acts from the parents and dive deeper into the whole family’s insane journey. Because of this drunk and irresponsible parents aspect, the movie felt generic and I got a little bored. No offense to the real Jeannette Walls, who obviously had to go through this in real life. Like I said, I bet the book is better, and we all know that the book sometimes translates horribly into a motion picture. So thinking that the book is better, this critic right here went to the Internet to read big summaries so I would have something to compare this movie too. After reading these summaries, I know that the book is better, because the movie leaves a lot out, that if put in, could’ve been a more tight and well rounded flick.

I also went in blind with this regarding the reviews. So when I got home from seeing it, I went on Rotten Tomatoes and wasn’t surprised to find it at a low 47% and it says that most critics feel that there was a “fundamentally misguided approach to the material.” Those are the perfect words with how I feel about the movie. This film is great with the acting, but ultimately I can’t recommend it because it didn’t take the right approach with the material provided in the book. Everything felt cliched, generic, with an unearned ending trying to tug at your heart strings empty handed.

Which is a shame, because if they would’ve adapted the book correctly, from what I read, this could’ve completely went and swept up a couple of awards during Oscar season. Jennifer Lawrence was attached to play Jeannette at first, but maybe she realized what was really going on and that is why she dropped out. The direction is fine, some beautiful landscape shots and cinematography, but ultimately it is the script that completely falters the entire product. If you are a huge Brie Larson and/or Woody Harrelson fan, I would recommend just to check this out for the acting. Naomi Watts also does a fine job as well, even though I didn’t like her character. The only acting flub is Max Greenfield, who cannot get out of acting like Schmidt on New Girl to save his life. All I saw was Schmidt instead of a well rounded character.

This is definitely not a Glass Castle, it is more like a glass condo, with a shitload of cracks in it.

I have completely forgiven Robert Pattinson for Twilight. In GOOD TIME, he is nearly unrecognizable (personality wise), going deep into a very flawed character with many layers and peeling them back inch by inch. He is completely riveting and if I were part of the Academy I would push him into getting an Oscar nomination at the end of the year. You could study this performance in film classes in college. Masterful. But how is the movie? Thankfully, the movie is just as fantastic, with a breath neck pace story that gets more and more desperate as it goes with a bittersweet ending you wouldn’t expect. Good Time isn’t just one of the best films of the year, it is one I could revisit over and over again. An insane one night ride into depravity and darkness that grabs hold and won’t let you go.

What is so good about this film is that it takes a very unlikable protagonist, where you want him to get caught, but at the same time, hopes that he doesn’t, just so you can see more of the insane journey he goes on. The film is about two brothers, one played by Pattinson, the other played by one of the Safdie brother directors. The Safdie character is a little mentally challenged and Patterson is just trying to take care of him. The brothers rob a bank where the job is botched and Pattinson’s brother is caught and taken to jail while he escapes. Then in one twelve hour night time period, Patterson tries to get his brother out of jail while also trying to keep himself from going to jail as well. I don’t really want to spoil the rest of the journey, because it is unique and sometimes bonkers, but it involves a Sprite bottle filled with acid that belongs to a guy named Ray, an Adventureland setting, a hospital break out, high-rise apartment antics, creepy underage kissing, and mistaken identities.

The Safdie brothers have done another film that I have heard of but never seen, that got rave reviews called Heaven Knows What, and I think I might have to check it out, because this film is stupendous. The direction is flawless, and I love their tight shots on faces to show expression and emotion, completely building their trust in their actors to help build their characters and then thus building the story. Their story and direction takes complete and intense wild ass turns. The bank robbery is simple yet nail biting. The many times that Pattinson is almost caught by the police, I lost count I was so nervous. Everything about this film is mesmerizing and perfect.

And I can’t get away with not mentioning the haunting score by Oneohtrix Point Never. As The Dude would say “It really ties the story together.” Just like in Dunkirk, the score here is a beat by beat race the clock melodramatic masterpiece, rushing when it needs to, and taking its time to let all the events unfolded sink in. I loved Good Time, unfortunately modern audience will have a hard time trying to see it seeing it is a very independent film and might not get a huge wide release. But if you find it in a town, in a theater near you, or even if you have to wait for video, check it out, it is an amazing ride, and a performance by Robert Pattinson I think he might even have a hard time ever beating.

THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD doesn’t come out till next Friday, August 18th, but I got to see it yesterday and I have to say that it was a nice, funny and fun, pleasant, late summer surprise. Earlier in Ryan Reynold’s career he was mostly hit and miss. Waiting, The Proposal, Safe House, Van Wilder, and Smokin’ Aces being his hits, and then everything else plus Green Lantern being huge misses. After Deadpool, I have a feeling he is being a little careful about picking his projects. Yeah, I wasn’t a fan of Life but he was good for the little time he was in it. And now there is this film, which is like Smokin’ Aces mixed with Midnight Run mixed with about any buddy cop movie you have ever seen. And it works. It’s heavy on violence and language, but it is also light and very funny. August is sometimes considered a dumping ground for end of Summer movies, but sometimes we get a nice little treat snuck in there, and this is it.

The joke with Samuel L. Jackson being in every movie ever made is almost no longer a joke. How many movies has he been in this year alone? But you have to praise a movie that has Samuel L. Jackson say “motherfucker” more than any other movie he has ever been in combined. Make no mistake, the film uses its R rating to its advantage, throwing most of the punches except for nudity (which the film did not need). Obviously, the plot is simple to make way for the laughs. Samuel L. Jackson is a hit man that has some very damning evidence again a former Russian country president that is currently on trial for his wicked ways. So far all of the witnesses for this trial have been killed or discredited. They make a deal with Samuel L. Jackson that if he testifies they will free his wife, played by Salma Hayek (who steals every scene she’s in here). All Interpol has to do is get Jackson to the trial…with a bunch of bad guys/assassins/what have you in between them to stop them at any costs. Enter Ryan Reynolds as a former elite bodyguard trying to comeback from disgrace for a botched protection job a few years earlier…and hilarity, non stop action, and “motherfuckers” ensue.

This film is almost two hours, and some probably could’ve been shaved off, but I liked that the film took its time. We get to know the characters throughout the whole movie and they aren’t one dimensional and are well rounded. The way Ryan Reynolds enters the picture to protect Jackson is hilarious while still being a bit cliched obvious. But like I’ve said in some past reviews, sometimes it isn’t about the plot or destination. It is about the journey. And it is one hell of a journey. The director of this has certainly come back into my good graces, having previously directed the abysmal Expendables 3, with good hard hitting action, good direction, and earned laughs. Now while some of the action effects are a bit shaky, particularly towards the end, all is forgiven as it doesn’t lose the fun at the same time.

I could watch Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds argue in a room for two hours. Without them, the movie wouldn’t have been near that good. Selma Hayek hasn’t been this funny since Dogma. And for some reason Gary Oldman is in this (paycheck) but even with a limited amount to do (he is locked up the entire time) he still brings his A game. If you are looking for a complicated plot with this film, don’t, as you’ll be highly disappointed. It is very simple and very cliched. It has almost every action cliche in the book and uses the age old foreshadowing with dialogue and what not. But it doesn’t lose any fun. If you are looking for a “buddy cop hitman assassin bodyguard action packed road trip movie” to bask in at the end of summer, you can do no wrong going to see this.

**warning no spoilers will be given, but I have read all 8 books**

Let’s pretend this book adaptation is a fictional cake replica making contest. In front of Sony executives is two tables, one already has a beautiful, majestic, gorgeous, 8 tiered tower Dark Black Wedding Cake . The other table is empty but next to it is a kitchen filled with every single ingredient you need to try and replicate that cake to the best of your abilities. You have about a decade to replicate this cake. And go! Instead of even going into the kitchen, the Sony executives walk up to the empty table, take their dicks out, and flop them menacingly on the table, and shout, “Here is your cake assholes!” That, ladies and gentlemen, is THE DARK TOWER film adaptation.

I have read all 8 Stephen King novels that have The Dark Tower in the title or relates directly to it. I have read every single Stephen King novel in existence, all the ones that indirectly reference The Dark Tower in some way. So you may say there was no way to please me, especially since I know every nook and cranny of Stephen King’s fictional universe. That isn’t necessarily true. There are plenty of books that are very nice companions with their movies: Jurassic Park, The Lord of the Rings, Angels & Demons to name a few. Even the worst adaptations, like Percy Jackson, every single Twilight film, etc. have some light in the shitty mess of a darkness that plagues my mind to no end. With The Dark Tower film, there isn’t even a shred of light, it is completely devoid of soul.

And I even had half my mind set away to view the movie as a film lover who had never read any of the novels, let alone a Stephen King book, and even then I thought the film had no soul. The film is a 95 minute circle jerk where too many powers at be were arguing on what the adaptation should contain and should not contain. Should we cater to an audience who has never read any of the books or should this book be fan service? Even though I think The Dark Tower series is unfilmable and should just be a movie in a constant readers mind, I do feel that there was a way to do both. Nope, all that is tossed completely out the window for a new story that completely strips away most elements of the novels and takes only a handful of service thing to speak to a general audience in general terms.

Thinking like everyone else, this should’ve been a HBO or Showtime series, doing each book in a 8 to 10 episode arc, for seven to eight seasons, and then walk away. You can’t do The Dark Tower in 95 minutes. It is impossible. Even as a movie for a general audience, the film is soulless and rushed. There is no character development, no time to develop relationships. The journey is too compact, with no time to breathe. They say that this new film is supposed to be a sequel to the books (don’t worry, I don’t reveal much here just speak in briskly in code), with Roland possessing the Horn of Eld at the beginning of the film. Okay, that’s fine…WHERE IS THE FUCKING HORN? Oh, is that a horn on Roland’s backpack? Okay…thanks for barely showing it to us…

The only thing that is good about the film is the casting. Idris Elba (even though Roland is supposed to be white in the books, because his race is a plot point in later novels with a character that was not introduced here, but like Johnny Storm in rebooted Fantastic Four, I could honestly care less) is a good (could’ve been great if they dialogue was not shitty) Roland, Matthew McConahalright alright alright was a pretty good Men In Black (would’ve been great with a better screenplay) and the kid that plays Jake Chambers was good as well.  They aren’t even much of characters though, because like I said, the compacted 95 minutes lets no time for the movie to find any kind of footing. The acting is the best thing about the film, everything else is complete and utter garbage.

The film feels like a cheap Sci-Fi Channel made for television movie. The effects suck, the production design sucks, the direction and action sucks, just a big bowl of What The Fuck soup. I could nitpick the differences between series and film adaptations all day (such as the portal doors being too futuristic and not just a cool little wooden door in the middle of nowhere) but I’m not going to do that here because my review would be novel size long. But there is one thing that I want to talk about, because it effects my dislike for the film the most. The fact that they take the center of attention of the story away from Roland and put it on Jake Chambers. The Dark Tower is and was always supposed to be Roland’s story with supporting characters helping him along the way. Taking it away from him (Idris doesn’t even show up until 15 minutes into the film) is a crime beyond all imagination. They could’ve still told their new awful story with Jake still being a side character, but nope, general audience are likely to connect with a kid and not Roland (not true if you’ve read the books.)

Why am I still writing? What I really should be doing is starting to re read all 8 novels and form my own perfect movie in my mind and forget this abomination ever exists. I pray that Stephen King’s IT adaptation is better (the R rating and 2 hr 15 minutes runtime helps, and the fact that it is only part 1 of 2; Dark Tower is a shitty PG-13) but now I’m going to enter IT being cautiously optimistic after this apocalypse. This is literally a shit cake, with barely some sprinkles of fan service on top, where the sprinkles ultimately get sucked into the shit frosting, never to be seen again. The Dark Tower is one of the worst films of the year and the worst adaptation of Stephen King’s work, even Maximum Overdrive. Good riddance.