Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: 13 REASONS WHY SEASON 3 (MAJOR SPOILERS!!!)

Before I start reviewing and getting down to the nitty gritty on 13 REASONS WHY SEASON 3, I’m going to warn you of two things. First of all, I am going to go into major spoilers, and yes, I’m going to reveal who killed Bryce Walker, so if you just want a summation, just finish this paragraph and then read the concluding paragraph. I promise not to spoil anything in those. Secondly, I will NOT be diving into my opinions and/or experiences with suicide and what I really think of this whole controversy with some individuals thinking that this show “glorifies suicide.” I will only be delving into what I think the show did to improve upon its image. That being said: 13 Reasons Why Season 3 does the rare “Daredevil Netflix” thing and is the best season of the show thus far. Those put off by the first two seasons, especially the mediocre 2nd one, will be pleased to know that by turning the show into a who-dun-it and tackling more issues in better ways that it completely redeems itself. I say that those naysayers may want to give it one more chance (you don’t have to though, I understand, truly).

And this is coming from someone who thought the first season was masterful (didn’t like the 2nd one that much). I don’t want this to be a terribly long review, so where should I start? Ah, yes. The main focus of the season. As you know, Season 1 dealt with Hannah Baker and her 13 tapes to people on why she committed suicide. Season 2 dealt with the fallout of those people receiving those tapes, and the trial of rapist Bryce Walker. Like both previous seasons, Season 3 plays with time. It starts with taking place 8 months after Season 2, but then switches back and forth between the present, after what happened with Tyler and how he almost shot up Liberty High School at Spring Fling and something that went wrong during Homecoming (revealed much later in the season) and…the murder of Bryce Walker. Yes, one of the worst villains in television history is killed off almost immediately in the first couple of episodes of the season (he’s missing almost right at the beginning).

Changing the show from being a look into why someone committed suicide and the aftermath of a rapist on trial, to a who-dun-it murder mystery, yyet filled with teen angst, issues, and hardship, was definitely the right AND ONLY direction the show could’ve taken (although I do support those that said it should’ve only been a one off miniseries, I can agree with some points of view on that). When Bryce only got 3 months probation this past season for his rape crimes, I didn’t know if I wanted to see what kind of story a Season 3 could tell. But then when I heard that Katherine Langford and co. were done with the character Hannah Baker (she is only referenced several times, there is no past footage of her really, and her mother is only in one episode, Season 2 stretched out her character wayyyyy too much) and then just several weeks ago when the trailer dropped with the tagline: “Who Killed Bryce Walker?” the show immediately caught my interest again. I thought, “oh shit, are they trying to make up for all the anger and frustration of season 2 and they are probably giving this asshole his just desserts, right? Well, yes, and maybe/maybe not.

When I say yes, I mean that yes, they completely make up for their past narrative flaws for season two, and they also make up for the controversial aspects of season 1 by being really careful and handling all the solutions to all the teen problems that are presented throughout this season. The maybe is a bit trickier. With Bryce’s death, they present a question that is asked throughout all the episodes that they resolve by thankfully not having a definitive answer: can people change for the better? When we get to all of these flashbacks of Bryce throughout the season, some of the flashbacks revert to him and his shitty attitude towards life and women, but then, in many instances, it shows that before he died, he might’ve really tried to change for the better…but that the world wouldn’t let him change. It’s a very tricky topic for the writers to put into this season, but then again, if they would’ve had a definitive answer, “did Bryce get his just desserts?”, people would’ve gotten angry at either a yes or a no. They got smart, and instead answered, maybe…but maybe not. It’s up to you.

Now, when starting the season, I immediately noticed that, during the opening credits, there is a separate piece of evidence of Bryce Walker’s murder for each of the thirteen episodes. And then boom!, holy shit, Clay Jensen isn’t the voice of reason this season! Instead, everything is told from the perspective of Amorowat Anysia Achola, or “Ani’ for short, a new student at Liberty High that quickly befriends Clay. Her and her mother also happen care for Bryce Walker’s asshole grandfather, who is sick and mostly resides in bed. So yeah, Ani kind of lives with Bryce. Now some people have had a huge problem with her, especially when you get to episode 7 and it reveals that she slept with Bryce Walker, several times, by not judging him by his past and also revealing the fact that he was actually nice to her. People also love Clay Jensen’s narration as he is the voice of reason for the series and maybe the only almost flawless character.

I’m going to go on the defensive for Ani here, for several reasons. First of all, we need a new voice. I love Clay, in fact I see a lot of myself in him, but in order for him to be a main main suspect in Bryce Walker’s murder, we can’t have him as the narrator this season (I have a feeling they are going to switch back to him for the final season anyway) as it would ruin a lot of the mystery. Also, in order to give some people reason to doubt that Bryce Walker deserved to be murdered, Ani’s point of view is absolutely essential, because without those scenes, the question is answered definitively, and definitely solving some hard questions has been the knife to the throat for the series in the past. But don’t worry, Clay is still a bigger presence than most and has the most screen time. I wasn’t liking what the writers were doing on episode 7 with him, but then episode 8 and 9, they show us their reasons for doing so, and I was completely satisfied with their choices. Clay not being the narrator I feel made him grow as a character this season as well.

The one thing that has been completely constant throughout all three seasons is the incredible acting by the entire cast. Three seasons in and every single person on the show, no matter how part big or small, have all made their character multi-layered, not just one dimensional, to the point where it feels like you might know them in real life. The two standouts though are of course Dylan Minnette, who plays Clay, and surprisingly David Druid, who plays Tyler. As you know, Tyler almost went on a school shooting spree at the end of season 2, and I was surprised how carefully the fallout of that was handled (except for one of the final scenes of the season, where everything could come back to bite him in the ass anyway). Obviously, they hinted that they were going to help him out and intervened before he started shooting up people, but the resolution on how no one found out and how they handle his behavior going forward was pretty realistic and inspirational.

That surprised me because I thought I might have to suspend some belief at the beginning of the explanation but as time went on, that route taken proved to be more than efficient storytelling. I don’t want to spoil anything here, but there is a scene between Clay and Tyler toward the latter half of the season that almost made me tear up. You’ll know which one it is, and in any other dimension, both Dylan and David would get Emmy nominations. Also, I know people don’t like Ani, but newcomer Grace Saif I thought did an adequate job in being our new narrator, and I think she’ll get the chance to maker her character more well rounded and likable next season. And I know everyone loves to hate Bryce, but Justin Prentice gives us his best performance this season, showing a side to Bryce we didn’t even know was there.

Going back to answering questions and having resolutions on many of the trials and tribulations of these teens, this season manages to provide some kind of exploration of a solution instead of definitive answers, which completely works in the shows advantage. There is great tension building with multiple extravagant payoffs that just strengthen the season and series as a whole. I could get into it one by one, but there is even a moment of looking at suicide a way the show hasn’t presented before, with two characters that manage to overcome it and try to get help to make their lives seem better. If there are a couple of episodes that are going to incite controversy this time around those would be episode 2, 7, and the finale, 13. Episode 2 because it tackles abortion, episode 7 I already mentioned that Ani sleeps with Bryce Walker, knowing full well what he had done in life to be the person he is today, and the last episode, maybe, because of how they wrap up “Who Killed Bryce Walker?”

Okay, now is that paragraph where I’m going to reveal the who, what, where, when, and why and how the situation seems to be handled right now (I have a feeling there will be lingering ramifications in Season 4 before the kids graduate), so if you’ve been reading and haven’t gotten to the reveal of who murdered Bryce Walker, and don’t want that spoiled, stop reading and go to the last paragraph. The season tries to trick you multiple times, as everyone has multiple reasons for wanting Bryce dead. In fact, Zach reveals that he beat the shit out of Bryce on the pier, and turns himself in because he doesn’t want Clay, who is innocent btw, taking the rap. Turns out though, after Zach beat the shit out of him, he left him conscious, and records show that Bryce got water in his lungs before he died, and someone comes to the scene right after Zach leaves. Who is it? Alex…with Jessica in tow. Bryce had told Jessica initially that he wanted to meet her on the pier because he had something to give her, and Alex came for back up. Bryce wanted to give her a tape, confessing all his rapes and apologizing for everything, and he wanted to tell her that she could use the tape as she saw fit.

He was claiming he was trying to get better, but as Alex tried to help him up (both of Bryce’s legs were broken by Zach), Bryce unfortunately screamed out that he was going to kill Zach for what he done. Alex took this as meaning Bryce was never going to change, and pushed him over the bridge and watched him drown, as one arm and both legs were broken so he couldn’t swim. And the resolution to all this? Alex gets away with it. The students banded together to frame Monty (the sadistic fuck character that sadomized Tyler with a broom stick last season, the reason Tyler was about to do a mass shooting) after Monty was arrested because Tyler finally went to the police about what Monty did to him. Monty is conveniently killed in prison (I was afraid they were going to show that scene, stirring up more controversy, but again, wise decision by the writers, they didn’t). Alex’s dad is a cop, and put two and two together and knew his son really did it, but accepts the Monty evidence as true. So basically it’s all resolved as a “dead bury the dead” (the title of the last episode ) kind of thing, and cased closed.

Even though there are little hints and clues where the frame up of Monty might not hold up and likely Alex gets his penance for killing Bryce in season 4, I actually really loved the resolutions. Even though it showed a little more of where Monty was coming from with his monster of an attitude in every season (hence asking the question if Monty deserved it, but not giving a concrete resolution), I think the sadistic fuck deserved what was coming him. In many ways, he was worse than Bryce and probably would’ve caused much more harm in the future than Bryce, who was possibly trying to get better. And Monty technically didn’t get killed because of the frame up, he went into prison because of what he did to Tyler, and while we weren’t told what he did to get himself killed, it infers that he probably had an attitude with one of the inmates who didn’t take shit.

Yes, what Alex did was wrong, and he’ll probably end up not getting totally away with it by the time the final season comes to pass, but that’s the whole message the season is trying to ask, “what do we ultimately deserve for our actions?” It also tries to prove that not everything can be tied up in a pretty bow, and I ultimately loved where they went with it. I do want to know what happens in the last season and will eagerly await its release probably about a year or more from now. As Clay says in one of the final scenes, they all maybe deserve some bit of happiness in the future, as the past year or so has been grim and dark as fuck. I really do hope the writers find some way, some logical way, to bring the series to a close with each of the characters, some more than others, finding their happiness. Some of them truly deserve it, I believe. Anyway, discuss with me via FB messenger or in person if you’d like to talk about it further as I just looked to see how fucking long this review was and realize I need to wrap it the fuck up.

In short, I loved 13 REASONS WHY SEASON 3 and could talk all day about why I think it is the best season of the three and how the show has redeemed itself from the awkward storytelling and decisions of season 2 and some of the controversial moments of season one. You can tell I really like a season/series if I’m reviewing it literally the weekend after it was released. It really did strike a great chord with me, and I hope the momentum that writers seemed to have possessed this year just keeps on going and we get a fantastic 4th and final season. I was ultimately surprised on how they managed to not let the story drag, it being still thirteen episodes and not a shorter season like other series have recently done. I’m guessing we will still get thirteen episodes the final season, being that 13 is in the series title for crying out loud, I just hope that these characters find that state of melancholy, they’ve been through some traumatizing shit.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ANGEL HAS FALLEN (no spoilers)

The “Has Fallen/Mike Banning” trilogy, most of you must admit, is just a poor man’s Die Hard/John McClane. You take all the aspects of what made the Die Hard trilogy great, you half ass them, and boom, there you have it. ANGEL HAS FALLEN is no different, it is really just the poor man’s Die Hard With A Vengeance. You see, when just comparing the John McClane films to themselves, as a trilogy (forget Live Free and Good Day exist for a second), I would literally rank them in quality as: the original, then With A Vengeance, and finally Die Harder. Olympus Has Fallen is actually kind of great if you think about it, especially when that abysmal White House Down released later that same year. Olympus had that cheesy, one-man take down charm. Yet it is still no Die Hard. London Has Fallen is…strange. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t terrible, it’s kind of just there. Yet it is still no Die Harder. Angel Has Fallen almost put me to sleep, but then when Nick Nolte showed up on screen, everything just got better and better till the movie ended, and it wound up being better than London. Yet, it is still no With A Vengeance.

In summation, the movie is better than what the critics would have you believe, but it is only a half way decent end to a half way decent trilogy. I could watch Olympus all day long, but I never have the urge to go back and check out London, and might only give Angel a couple of more views if I’m bored, and even then I would only start the film when Nick Nolte (who play’s Banning’s father) shows up. I say that, because the action scene that follows is one of the most laugh out loud hilarious ones since John Wick 3, and those 5 minutes are worth the price of admission alone. And then thankfully the film doesn’t let up until the credits roll. But then…that awkward comedic mid credit scene that caps off a trilogy…(don’t really want to talk about that because spoilers but…you’ll see…it doesn’t belong in that film). Anyway, I enjoy these movies mainly because of Gerard Butler, an action hero who’s the poor man’s Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson, what have you. Butler has that sarcastic charm that for some reason makes his movies better than they would be without him. Can you see anyone else as Leonidas in 300? That is no different with Angel, he definitely elevates all the mediocre storytelling that this narrative provides with snarky sarcastic one-liners (wish there was more of them though, like in Olympus).

I didn’t watch the full trailer to this film ever, I just saw the news that the film was greenlit, saw when they went into production, and then just saw a couple of TV spots that didn’t show much, and in the end, I never sought out any other trailers or clips. It wasn’t like I was trying to be completely surprised by all the “twists and turns” the movie had to provide. When I heard they were making a third one, and then saw mini advertisements for it, I just shrugged. London literally made me not care to see a trilogy finished. I remember caring for London when it was announced, because I liked Olympus a lot, and I guess the mediocrity of the 2nd one drowned out any excitement I had for a third. What I’m trying to say is, it is probably good I didn’t seek out any marketing or get ultra hyped about the movie, because I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed the 2nd half as much. Also, the trailers (I ended up watching them after the movie last night) reveal almost the entire film. All I have to say is lower your expectations, and you’ll probably enjoy the ride.

The plot? Mike Banning saves President Alan Trumbull (Morgan Freeman, taking over duties from Aaron Eckhart, because Eckhart was probably tired from the franchise more than anyone) from a traitorous drone strike. They are knocked unconscious, and Mike Banning wakes up first to discover that someone has set him up to look like he was the one behind the assassination attempt. Of course, Banning escapes and has to find out who did this to him and clear his name. Yeah, yeah, I know, we’ve seen this plot before. One major problem with the film is that it is entirely 200% predictable. Since I didn’t really see much marketing for this, I didn’t know it reveals who one of the main villains are in the movie that are trying to set Banning up, but it didn’t matter that I didn’t know before hand, because I guessed it within two seconds, and then I guessed who was really behind it all in another two seconds. Sometimes unpredictability in action movies is key, and the film might’ve been better if it had a little more of it.

The acting? It was mostly acceptable but with a couple of cringe worthy moments. Like I said Butler always elevates his movies as he seems to have a good time making them. Oh and hey, him and Morgan Freeman actually share a couple of scenes together instead of them being shot separate and then edited together weird like their scenes in London Has Fallen. Although Morgan Freeman, who is fine in these, still just screams paycheck, no more so apparent than in this installment where he is either fishing or gets to lie down in a comfy hospital bed for the majority of the film. Though, John Huston and Tim Blake Nelson looked like they tried. Radha Mitchell also knew to bail on the franchise and so Banning’s wife is replaced by Piper Perabo, hotter and only three years younger! Does she have much to do in the film? Nope. Didn’t make a lick of difference who was cast. The main problem/cringe worthy-ness was Jada Pinkett Smith’s FBI agent. Jada Pinkett Smith is a one note actress, meaning that she has absolutely almost no range. In comedic roles, she is too serious and…well, in everything else she is too serious. No exception here. Although her character is involved in one of the things I didn’t see coming in the back half of the movie, still, she is wildly out of her element, even for a cheesy film like this.

The action, mostly all taking place in the second half of the film, is adequate enough, especially the grand finale. The first half though is filled with wayyyyyyy too much shaky cam and horrendous editing that I couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on. I don’t know if the director started calming the fuck down, or they “replaced” him half way through filming, but at least it got better. The grand finale was close to being awesome, and even had a shot at beating the Nick Nolte action sequence, but then some really really bad green screen and CGI came about when a building was falling down and that took me out of the film. I am not familiar with the director, Ric Roman Waugh, but if he directs future action films he needs to calm down and set up sequences more fluidly like he did with the second half. At the beginning, he was almost worse than Paul Greengrass. That’s all that really needs to be said about Angel Has Fallen. If you’ve enjoyed these half ass attempts at another Die Hard Trilogy, you are more than likely going to enjoy this one. If you didn’t or haven’t watched the other two films, you should probably stay far away. At least it was better than the second installment. But for the love of God I hope this trilogy is done and that they don’t green light a 4th installment. If they do, they need to title it Interest Has Fallen.

P.S. Do yourself a giant favor and go Ready Or Not this weekend instead. You will have a much better time.

My ranking of the “Has Fallen” Trilogy:

Olympus Has Fallen
Angel Has Fallen
London Has Fallen

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: READY OR NOT (not spoilers)

You do not want to miss READY OR NOT in theaters. Go with a large group of people, or with a large group of your friends. Hell, seeing it by yourself it okay too. It is that entertainingly fun. I saw it by myself, but with a kid and a limited schedule, that’s just my usual movie going jam nowadays, and still had a helluva good time. It is a very tight yet mythological heavy 95 minutes that any thriller or horror fan will truly eat up. I literally couldn’t believe how good it was. I’ve seen marketing for it only in the past couple of months, very limited marketing, so going into it, I expected something fun yet forgettable. It is far from forgettable. I love it so much that I hope that it makes decent money to warrant some kind of sequel (oh shit, it is run by Fox Indpendent pictures, so now its Disney, and Disney is being a total bitch right now so I guess scratch that thought) and it can explore that little amount of mythology we received further. What’s really, really, funny is that Universal and Blumhouse cancelled their people getting hunted film called The Hunt, yet this is quite similar and yet there were no rumblings of cancelling it. Thank God, because Ready Or Not is one of the best films of the year for me.

The film has a hilarious take on the rich and in-laws that gets all the parody and jokes right more than a lot of plain comedies have tried to do in film’s past. Maybe because it’s also a horror/thriller was why it worked: it was the one last ingredient needed to get those jokes to land. The set up is this: Grace is getting married to Alex Le Domas. The Le Domas’ are a wealthy family that got rich off of producing different types of board and family games. On their wedding night, Alex tells Grace that as tradition for her to be accepted into the family, they all have to play a game with each other. In order to pick exactly which game they are supposed to play, Grace takes a card out of this mysterious box, and all it says is Hide & Seek. When she picks that card though, Alex suddenly looks distraught and doesn’t seem to want to play yet but doesn’t say a word. The family gives her 100 seconds to hide, and tell her in order to win, she has to stay hidden till dawn. Grace at first isn’t taking the game very seriously, but when she learns that once any member of the family finds her, they have to kill her, and then she’ll have to be dead serious in order to survive the night.

There is so much more to the story, but I am not going to say anymore, as following the plot, the characters, and the tiny pieces by tiny pieces of mythological information as the film moves along is part of the sadistic fun. Even though the film is a short 95 minutes, it is a completely nice and tight time length; in that there is no filler, and everything moves at a breakneck pace, but not so much to where you can’t follow along anymore. The beginning is quick but we establish all of the characters pretty well. Some of them, like Andi MacDowell’s and Henry Czerny’s characters, are a little bit one-dimensional, but they act the hell out of those roles and end up bringing a little something more to the table then you’d initially expect. Surpringly, it is Adam Brody as Daniel, Alex’s brother, that actually gets the most meat and scenes to chew, as you don’t really know where his allegiances truly lie. All of the characters are memorable, whether it is Emilie as the coke snorting member of the family that doesn’t know how to use a weapon properly, to Stevens, the family butler that simply doesn’t know when to quit.

However, non Margot Robbie, aka Samara Weaving, who plays Grace, is the real star of the show. She gets the killer dialogue, she gets the killer kills, every moment she is on screen, she shines. This is no surprise as she was the best thing about Netflix’s killer fun and campy thriller from 2017, The Babysitter. Although I hadn’t seen Showtime’s MILF, I heard she was great on that show as well, and she was also hilarious in her small but memorable role in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. Weaving’s character constantly has to go through bout of sadistic trauma throughout the film, and the realistic way she acts while hilariously spitting out those one liners that scream parody is just amazing to see on screen. SHE NEEDS TO BE IN MORE THINGS, I DON’T CARE THAT SHE LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE MARGOT ROBBIE.

The movie’s violence is fun, gory, and top tier level excellent, being off screen where it needs to be and being on screen when it just can’t help itself. If I have one minor complaint about the movie, it would be there is just a tiny bit too much shaky cam, some scenes could’ve breathed better without it. Thankfully though, the entire movie isn’t like that, so it didn’t bother me all that much. The directors are two guys that I haven’t heard of, Tyler Gillett and Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, and this is their first big wide theatrical release. They have mostly done shorts and did a segment in the well known horror anthology series, but one I haven’t seen, called V/H/S. Their direction is great here, getting great performances from actors that mostly have one-dimensional roles. But that is okay here, as the movie just wants you to have fun and not be overly complicated.

And the ending, the ending is utterly fantastic. Probably one of the best horror/thriller endings I’ve seen all year. Is it weird to say that this is a feel good film? I thought it was. Every second that went by I found I was enjoying the movie more and more and that feeling didn’t let up until it the end credits rolled and I realized I wanted more. I loved the vastness of the large mansion Grace had to hide in, I loved when we got outside the house (for reasons I can’t spoil), I loved the overall journey. This is one of those movies that if it came on at 1 am and I was still watching television at the time I would watch it all the way through, 3:35 am be damned. It doesn’t matter what kind of movies you are into, I think you’ll really enjoy this film. Even if you are like my wife, who doesn’t like horror or anything gory, like I told her, I think you’ll still dig the film. The only expectation you need before going into the theater is to have a good time. Because ready or not, you will.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON (no spoilers)

“SHIT!” No, not the movie, I just fucked up my back on Tuesday and now realize I am behind on reviews (was trying to give you all one per day, this one yesterday, Ready Or Not today and then Angel is Fallen on Friday), so everything will be delayed by one day. Anyway, I saw THE PEANUT BUTTER FALCON all the way back on Saturday, the weekend it first hit mainstream theaters, and now this week, I see a lot of you are discovering it on your own. Well good, because the movie is fantastic. It is a sweet, charming, and entertaining little film that also happens to contain Shia LeBeouf’s best performance of his career. It is also proof that indie films like this can still exist and be successful in the modern day era of endless superhero films, sequels, remakes, and reboots. Maybe my review here can get a couple of more people to discover how good it is.

The film is about a man in his 20’s with down syndrome named Zak (newcomer Zack Gottsagen), who escapes from his care home wanting to fulfill his dream of becoming a wrestler. To fulfill his dream, Zak is running away toward a wrestling school taught by his favorite wrestler The Salt Water Redneck (Thomas Haden Church). In his escape, one of his caregivers, Eleanor (Dakota Johnson), goes out in search from him, and Zak also runs into a local fisherman named Tyler (Shia LeBeouf), who begrudgingly lets him tag along with him at first, but then they form a bond to last a lifetime. Not so fast, as Tyler has a couple of other local fisherman looking for him after Tyler burned down over $10K of fishing supplies right in front of their eyes. That’s really all I can tell you about the story without giving anything away. Narrative wise, the movie is pretty predictable until the very, very end. But in this case, as I say in call cases with movies that are predictable but that I really like, it isn’t about the ending, it’s about the journey. And the journey here is excellent.

Shia LeBeouf is incredible here. Jon Berenthal plays his brother in several short flashback sequences, and you can tell that LeBeouf based his performance and mannerisms to how Berenthal acts in real life. Using that, his performance becomes unique to his written character, where you not only can see them as brothers in this story, but also as his own individual. Zack Gottsagen, who has down syndrome in real life, is absolutely charming and hilarious in this; he gives the movie that pure sweet touch that it needs to stand out from other movies that has similar journeys and themes. Bruce Dern is in this as well, and I don’t want to ruin his role, but he steals his scenes in the little screen time he has. Thomas Haden Church also gives his best performance since Sideways as a wrestler whose attitude may surprise you. The only two performances that are just okay in this are John Hawkes and Dakota Johnson. John Hawkes is good, but he is wasted in only a few scenes as one of the fisherman after Tyler burns their fishing traps to the ground. Dakota Johnson I think basically plays herself, as there is not a difference in her performance with this and anything I can think of her being in, especially the God awful Fifty Shades films. She’s not terrible by any means, she is just there. Actually, I take one thing back, she’s pretty great and different in Bad Times At The El Royale, but that’s about it.

Tyler Nilson and Michael Schwartz both do a fine job as co-directors, especially this being their first major feature (they usually do regular shorts and documentary shorts). Not only are they both great actors directors, but they definitely know how to stage a scene, especially when both Tyler and Zak are going across a river at one point and are about to be hit by a boat. They give that and many other scenes a foreboding sense of tension and then that needed punchline release when the tension is over. They also co-wrote the screenplay as well, all of the jokes completely landing on their feet and then some. I laughed pretty hard throughout some sequences. The script is also very sweet and very charming and thankfully it doesn’t cross that line into sappiness and doesn’t go too overboard with what it is giving to its audience. Although, if I had one other complaint about the story, I really didn’t buy into Tyler and Eleanor being possible romantic partners. It would’ve been more realistic if they had just formed a friendship and nothing more.

But yeah, I totally love this movie, and I think a lot of people will discover it in the days, weeks, months, and years to come. Maybe even give Shia a much needed independent film career boost. It will definitely give a writing and directing boost to both Tyler Nilson and Micheal Schwartz, as I am going to seek out projects from them in the future. You have also probably noticed that I didn’t mention what the title, The Peanut Butter Falcon, refers to. Well, I said no spoilers, and giving away the meaning of the title is definitely a spoiler. You just need to discover what it means on your own. To the person that is reading my review, it is your turn to give films like these a chance either in the theater and/or at home, so that way this kind of film that wears its heart on its sleeve doesn’t suffer in this era and completely flame out. We need to keep flames like these lit at all times.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

BLINDED BY THE LIGHT, just like my previous comparison of Goosebumps to Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark, is exactly what the recent film Yesterday should of been: a much more entertaining story that got its inspiration from a musical source. While Yesterday was about The Beatles, Blinded By The Light is based on the true story of journalist Sarfraz Manzoor (the character here is named Javed Khan) and how the influence of Bruce Springsteen and his music changed Sarfraz’s outlook on life living as a British-Pakistani Muslim in the late 1980’s. Yesterday, in my opinion, kind of looks at the music of the Beatles as an afterthought, not really digging deep into the meaning and inspiration of the lyrics and instead uses it as just a mere gimmick as an answer to a “what if” question. Bruce Springsteen’s influence is all over the screen here, really supporting the narrative and bringing something unique to a true life success story we’ve seen plenty of times throughout the history of cinema.

The story features a teenager named Javed Khan and his family living in Luton, England, in the 1980s, at a time where the National Front did not appreciate Pakistani’s immigrating to Britian because of terrorist rule and suppression on Pakistani’s homeland at that time. Javed’s father Malik, has just been laid off at his job, forcing the rest of the family to find jobs or do more with their current ones to feed everyone and pay the bills. Not to mention, Javed is one of only two South Asian students at his school and he is having difficulty coming out of his shell and sharing his writings and poems anyone outside of himself even though he has his English teacher Ms. Clay, played by the beautiful Hayley Atwell, keeping an eye on him as she sees his potential. Javed eventually bumps into the other South Asian student, named Roops, a big fan of Bruce Springsteen, who gives Javed several of his cassettes for him to listen to, as he feels that Bruce’s music and lyrics describe the very hardships they are going through currently. After a night of listening to both tapes straight, Javed is hooked and obsessed with Springsteen, whose melodies and messages gives Javed the inner strength he needs to overcome his obstacles and suppression and make a difference with his life.

The main focus of the story of Javed, other than getting his writing career a jump start kick to the pants, is his relationship with his father Malik. You’ve seen it in many movies before, the rocky relationship between father and son, where the son wants to be accepted by his father/parents for what he wants to do as a career in life, his sexuality, etc. A lot of those movies lose that focus about halfway through the film and then try to wrap it up in a nice and neat little bow in the last ten minutes of the film. Not this movie though, as it has that perfect balance narrative wise needed between Javed getting inspired by Springsteen’s music, getting a foot in the door with his writing career, and trying to be accepted by his father in a household where the father’s wishes and expectations are normally always met 100%. The film is a solid 2 hours of based on a true life storytelling, managing to even squeeze it Javed’s relationship with his child hood friend and getting to date and kiss a girl for the first time, without any of it feeling like filler or being overstuffed.

And I really, really, really, really, really love how they handle Bruce Springsteen and his music and lyrics here. We constantly see what Javed sees and hear what Javed hears while listening to Springsteen while in some of the scenes Springsteens words appear on screen to highlight the exact inspiration that Javed is feeling at the moment. You would think the filmmakers would accidentally use these tactics in the narrative too much to hit its point over the head, but thankfully the movie manages to sidestep that pitfall and only doing it sporadically and also feature moments where the audience needs to listen to the lyrics themselves to understand the feelings that Javed is having at that moment. It’s really quite clever when you see it. The director of this film mostly directs Bollywood films but you may have heard of another little great movie from 2002 that was all the rage at the time, Bend It Like Beckham.

Her name is Gurinder Chadha and not only is she a terrific actor’s director, getting fantastic performances out of everyone involved, but visually this film is terrific as well. Her shots combined with the gritty at times yet uplifting cinematography, fashion, and sets made me feel as though I was right smack dab in the middle of late 80’s Britain. Getting to the acting sides of things, everyone but Hayley Atwell is an unknown, with the incredible Viveik Kalra playing Javed with just the right amount of suppressed angst turned into influence without making the character feel overly sappy or sympathetic. He makes Javed a true hero of his story. Another strong and central performance is Javed’s father Malik played by Kulvinder Ghir, who at first you think is just going to be that hard-ass two-dimensional performance, but a break down scene to his wife in the middle of the film changes all that, bringing a bit of uniqueness to an other wise cliched role that audiences have seen one too many times.

If you had a choice between Blinded By The Light or Yesterday, I would pick Blinded each and every time. What is kind of funny is that the latter was directed by Danny Boyle, usually a really superb visionary director, shot that film plain Jane, where Chadha runs circles around him professionally with this film. It is a feel good and very funny movie that actually earns that feel goodness and laughs instead of trying to force feed you it like Yesterday kind of did (I know I’m ripping on Yesterday a little bit, even though I did recommend that film, this one is similar yet way better). Obviously I am going to recommend it to any Bruce Springsteen fan out there, but this movie transcends from just catering to die hard fans by bringing a film that, even if you aren’t that familiar with his music, you could still enjoy just the same amount as anyone. It is certainly a surprise to see this movie released in August, as usually this is the summer dump period of blockbuster rejects. Glad to see there is a speck of light in this blinded by dumb teenager shark sequels and action three-quels no one really asked for month.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: VERONICA MARS (Season 4) MAJOR SPOILERS

It’s been out for a month now, and even though my headline says “binge watchin'” it actually took me a month to finally finish VERONICA MARS SEASON 4, which says a lot, as I am a huge Veronica Mars fan. Yes, I am going to get to THAT spoiler, THAT ending, but this season has a whole mess of problems other than THAT gut wrenching twist. To start, I feel like I need to reveal something about my knowledge of Season 4 before you read the rest of this review, my own little stupid twist if you will. After watching the first episode without knowing shit, I went ahead and took a peek at what happens at the end, including the who dun it, and the death of one of the main characters that has gotten fans up in arms, claiming they will not watch another season if it happens to be made (it probably will, and I call bullshit, you’ll watch it). Knowing what was going to happen, combined with having to wait to watch it with my wife, combined with my 2 year old always being around (this series definitely not suitable for him) are all factors why it took so long to watch. Thinking back on everything though, had I binge watched it all in a day, not knowing what would’ve happened before then, I would’ve still come to the same conclusion. Veronica Mars Season 4 is the worst thing to happen to Veronica Mars.

Yes, that includes the very mixed Season 3. For me, the first two seasons of Veronica Mars are masterful, and the movie is pretty decent. Season 3 has some greatness in it, but the main problem with it is that I just didn’t really much care for the overarching plots of the series, the Hearst college rapist and then figuring out who was Dean O’Dell’s killer. The greatness came from the non-overlapping story arcs. The individual cases. All these television shows nowadays mostly consist of individual episodes that solve one mystery/murder/what have you every 42 minute segment, but then the whole season has one big overlapping narrative that is usually a question posed in the season opener and then answered/resolved by the season finale. And here in lies the main problem with Veronica Mars Season 4, it ONLY has a overlapping narrative. In the 8 episodes that were all made available on Hulu the same day, there are NO INDIVIDUAL/MULTIPLE cases for Veronica Mars and co. to solve, it’s just one, and it is dragged out for SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNG, and ultimately is a disappointment, because I guessed the culprit in the first episode before I spoiled myself, and I was guessed correctly (TBH, I was 3/4th’s right).

The one and only main plot of these 8 episodes asks the question “who is the Neptune Spring Break bomber?” In the first episode, a local hotel/motel called The Sea Sprite is bombed, and then throughout the rest of the episodes more places and people are bombed. Who is doing it and why? Let me answer that with another question, who cares? Who is ultimately doing it and why (there in the end being two answers and two whys) comes off as a big disappointment. I put major spoilers in the title because I’m only going to reveal the last minute twist that has die hard fans stark raving mad. Let’s just say that the reasons behind everything are ho-hum at best, and have been done countless times before across countless movies/tv shows. If you want a hint, think of I Know What You Did Last Summer mixed with elements of the bad guys’ scheme in The Brady Bunch Movie and you have your answer. Overdone, over played, and the fact that all 8 of these episode are dedicated to this plot and this plot only, and that the episodes stretch from 50 minutes to one hour, and you can see how frustratingly long it all feels.

If this main plot was filled out over a course of a regular season of Veronica Mars back when it was on WB/CW, but with non-related individual cases each episode, it maybe could’ve fared better. Key word is MAYBE. But with all the information that is gathered during the course of the season, I could’ve even seen this bomb plot played out and solved in one or two regular individual episodes. There really isn’t that much too it. Sure, there are B and C plots that involve congressmen, bar owners, and the Mexican Cartel out for revenge for someone who was killed/injured in the main explosion, but ALL OF IT surrounds the bombings, and it just wasn’t that interesting to me. I didn’t care. The difference between me and the regular hard core base of Veronica Mars fans is that I honestly think they enjoyed most of the season and that the only thing that ruined it was the very last minute, stupid, bullshit, dumb, lazy, idiotic, written only for the purpose of being shocking and not at all to help advance realistic character development, twist that had all of them screaming their vile language and hatred toward creator Rob Thomas: The Death of Logan Echolls.

That’s right, Logan Echolls (a character from the first episode of the first season, the ultimate love of Veronica’s life) dies at the very, very end of Veronica Mars Season 4. There are no take backs. It’s true that we don’t see a body and we only see the explosion, but there is no question about it: he is dead (if it ever turns out Rob Thomas was joshing everyone and in Season 5 it tries to pull off the “Alias Season 5 Michael Vaughn faking his death” twist to protect him and everyone else all along, all of Thomas’s credibility as a storyteller will go straight out the window). But we are all pretty certain Logan is dead as there is a long enough epilogue that mentions a funeral, a sweet endearing voice message from him to Veronica, and then her leaving Neptune for good to help others because she just can’t take that city that has caused her so much pain anymore. And then there is also Rob Thomas and Kristen Bell doing multiple interviews explaining why Logan Echolls had to die. It was to keep the noir-ness of Veronica Mars intact and that they couldn’t imagine writing more stories of her solving more mysteries while she had a boyfriend or husband waiting back home. BULL and SHIT.

You are telling me that they couldn’t have maybe had some team ups and him and Veronica solve some mysteries together? Fucking please. Rob Thomas’ explanation makes zero lick of sense and I think he just wrote Logan Echolls death just to be shocking because he probably realized that the rest of the season sucked and wanted to go out with a literal bang. If his death was hinted at throughout all 8 episodes and planned better, maybe it would’ve made sense. But there are literally little to no foreshadowing hints, until about 10 minutes before it happens. And the fact that Echolls gets blown up right after Veronica and him get married was just soap opera cliched drama bullshit. It’s all a farce. He is essentially saying that Veronica Mars can’t have a happy ending doing what she does. I don’t think that is necessarily true. I agree it has to be true for a character like Jack Bauer, who defends the country from terrorists and a whole other bunch of violence each season, but not Veronica Mars. I think Veronica can have a happy life and ending but also solve these noir-like mysteries. I think that maybe Rob Thomas has finally lost touch with one of his characters/franchises. It’s really sad.

It would’ve made more sense if maybe Enrico Colantoni exploded in the car instead of Logan, as the whole season pointed to him becoming too frail and absent minded to continue being a private investigator, but nope, at the end it reveals he was getting frail because of a bad combination of prescribed meds, but it’s all fixed and he’s perfectly okay. Then it should’ve/could’ve went boom, he gets killed in the car explosion anyway, fate claiming its final victim for the season as that grim fate was foreshadowed all season long. But nope, Rob Thomas doesn’t know how to connect the dots. It’s a Game of Thrones type shame. But as I was saying, Logan Echolls’ death wasn’t the worst thing to happen to the season, but it will be the only thing fans will painstakingly remember. What everyone should be focused on was that the main mystery narrative was overlong, stretched way too far out, boring, and predictable, ultimately leading to no one really wanting to ever revisit it again, and just stop at the end of the movie, and consider the story done.

Man, I make it sound like there was nothing good to come of this season. That’s not necessarily true. Before that final death, all of the character development was spot on from seasons past with that little lessons that they learned from previous interactions sneaking its way into their personalities. The dialogue is as original, crisp and witty as ever, making that and the character interactions the only things that made this season even watchable. The fan service was nice, seeing characters from the past show up in little tiny arcs/conclusions here and there (I won’t spoil those), I just wish that maybe Percy, who was Veronica’s right hand man in the first several seasons, had more to do, but his reason for not being in the game anymore are completely legit. Then you have new characters played by Patton Oswalt and the great J.K. Simmons, who I kind of felt were wasted given their talents, especially Simmons. Oswalt had a little more meat to his role, but his character, Penn, could’ve still been written better.

I can’t just be one to write off Season 4 as fan fiction and non canon. It happened. We wanted more Veronica Mars, and we got more, just not the more we were deserving or expecting. Maybe Rob Thomas can course correct if there is ever a Season 5 or another movie. And I don’t mean course correct by bringing Logan Echolls magically back to life, I mean go back to the basics: have one overarching mystery with little hints and bits of narrative development in each episode, but then each episode has its own self-contained case to solve. If it is a movie, have a non-cliched, cool kind of mysterious caper, like the first movie was but just make the sequel bigger and better. Basically: Make Veronica Mars Fun Again or Make Veronica Mars Mysterious Again, whatever your fan slogan might be, it’s probably the right one. This season was too gritty, predictable, and the narrative was fucking abysmally lazy. It wasn’t mysterious and it wasn’t fun. Those are the only two ingredients needed to make those sweet, sweet Marshmallows reappear for another course.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK

SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK is exactly what Goosebumps should have been, a semi-hard PG-13 romp that not only took several of the stories we grew up on and combined them into one tale, but also took itself seriously. Goosebumps was too goofy and very, very light on the scares. Probably had something to do with Jack Black’s weird awkward impersonation of R.L. Stine…anyway, we aren’t here to talk about that mediocre movie, I want to talk more about this one. This is extremely well shot, acted, and just well made in general. When seeing previews for this (the marketing was kind of s0-so) in general, everything about it looked absolutely bland. While I only remember a few of the stories from those short story novellas, I knew that they were pretty dark and gloomy for kids my age, and everything advertised about the movie seemed too…I don’t know….light and campy? Thankfully, the finished product is much better than advertised, as I thought it was one of the most effective PG-13 horror films in a very long time.

If I remember correctly, I think there were a total of three of those Scary Stories books and I think I maybe owned one or two of them. So in the advertisements of these movies, I could really only pick up The Scarecrow and The Big Red Spot, and didn’t really know any of the other references. I just know that while the books had these fantastic drawings and stories of dread, none of it was ever really depressing, just a tale to give you some minor chills in the night before you went to bed, if you even wanted that. So why the hell I expected this to get an R rating and was a little disappointed when it was just PG-13 I will never understand, because this series of movies (this is the second weekend it is out, and has made enough to warrant a sequel), should never be are. They are exactly what they need to be, a medium to medium-hard PG-13 movie that provides some actual genuine scares. No cheap little jump scares with music accompaniment here…well, maybe one or two, but they are more earned than you know.

The film is gorgeously directed by Andre Ovredal, who I should’ve had more faith in, as I enjoyed his previous two films, Troll Hunter and The Autopsy of Jane Doe. Because he doesn’t sacrifice story for scares. This movie is about an hour and 48 minutes and he spends at least the first half setting up very strong character development, from all the kids involved. The film takes its time to get to the scares as well, clearly setting up the story before the first monster pops out. The plot is basically very, very reminiscent of Goosebumps to be sure, as a girl, two of her closest friends, and a strange but handsome new kid go to a haunted house on Halloween night. The girl eventually finds a book of a past child murderer in the house, a book where this murderer would write some truly scary stories. Legend told that if you asked this murderer, named Sarah Bellows, to read you a story, it would be the last story you ever heard. The main good girl protagonist asks that very question. The book begins to write new stories on the blank pages, and it involves her and her friends. Like Goosebumps, it combines several of the stories into the over all narrative, and the girl and her friends have to find a way not to be “killed” and sucked into the story.

But here is where Goosebumps went wrong to the point where I’m okay with Scary Stories basically “borrowing” it’s plot. Goosebumps didn’t have any scares, it was just goofy and fun “frights” and with Jack Black involved, it never took itself seriously. Plus, Goosebumps used WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too many narrative threads and characters from the books in the first too films, it felt really, really over stuffed. We only get four here. This film takes itself very seriously, as there are very serious consequences for some of our characters. Not to ruin the ending, but the only thing I was sort of disappointed with the movie was there was several lines of dialogue at the end that gave hope to some of the tragedies that had just happened, maybe undoing some of what happened. The film clearly sets up a sequel, but hopefully the filmmakers have some time to figure out something to do without cheapening the effects of what had happened. Supposedly though, this to be an introduction film to really hard scary films though for teenagers, and I have a feeling they might actually do the undone route in the sequel. Who knows, but I will definitely be there for the journey.

There are mostly unknowns in this film, unless you are a really big fan of Breaking Bad like I am, but even then you only see Hank in a couple of scenes. This is the kids show, and all of the kids do a spectacular job of acting, especially the main girl protagonist, played by Zoe Margaret Colletti. The film uses a mixture of practical effects and CGI and I have to say it mostly did a pretty great job. With the except of some parts of the Jangly Man, which they actually had a guy that could contort his body all weird, those scenes looked good, except when they had to use CGI to contort his body where that performer couldn’t, then it looked a little weak. But yeah, this is actually week two of the film being out, and I initially wasn’t going to see it for the PG-13 rating and the marketing didn’t really impress me. But then a couple of friends saw it and recommended it, and it got a pretty decent Rotten Tomatoes score, so I decided to give it a chance, and was happy I did. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t even close to the greatest PG-13 horror film of all time, far from it, but it is an enjoyable, really well shot (the cinematography is top notch) and acted little scare fest that happened to pull it all off because it took itself seriously. Really wish that Goosebumps had done the same thing, maybe it will if there is a third?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: 47 METERS DOWN – UNCAGED

“WHERE ARE THEIR PHOOOOOOOOOONES?!?” was a constant question Kim and I were asking (I’ll explain later) when watching this idiotic, moronic, stupid, full of shit shark sequel. 47 METERS DOWN: UNCAGED really tests the patience and intelligence of its audience. I have never been more bored watching four dumb idiotic teenage girls screaming for their lives, traveling through long claustrophobic tunnels with their asses hanging out of their thin bikini bottoms. I wanted all of their characters to die within 10 minutes of the film, and the only reason why I didn’t walk out of this movie, is because I don’t feel like I can review a film for ya’ll unless I watch the entire thing, and I was with a good friend….and the experiences ended up being worth it because film ended up breaking us….into huge fits of laughs and giggles at the very end (again, I’ll explain later). Uncaged is easily the worst shark film since Jaws: The Revenge, and yes, that thought includes Sharknado. Oh, and it’s easily one of the worst films of 2019. Shark tooth to my eye though I’d watch this again before Sextuplets.

This film, while being a sequel to the first one from 2017, is really just a sequel in name only. Mandy Moore isn’t back, it’s a whole new situation, and doesn’t involve people in cages (hence the title). The story features four dumb ass annoying teen girls that sneak off to a secluded little swimming spot no one else knows about in Mexico. This spot was found by one of the teens’ dad, who is in charge of mapping out this secret Mayan underwater city that his job just currently found. They decide since that Dad is farther away attending to a new entrance discovered a day before, that they will take his teams scuba gear and just do a quick in and out little excursion. Yet they get scared of a little blind fish yelling at them (I shit you not) and accidentally cause a cave-in and the entrance to the place is blocked. With limited air and limited time they have got to find a way out…all while avoiding these weird blind albino great white sharks that happened to live, evolve, and grow in these ancient tunnels. Who lives? Who dies? Who gives a shit? Because literally every tense and jump shot moment were stolen from other much, much, much better shark attack films. No originality whatsoever here.

The first 47 Meters Down was okay until one of the stupidest twist endings of all time completely shattered whatever benefit of the doubt I was giving it. Oh, and Mandy Moore and Claire Holt were actually half way decent actresses with the limited range the script gave for their characters. While it doesn’t have a stupid twist ending, it has a regular laughable one, and everyone’s character here sucks ass. Whenever one of their mouths opened, it was like they were screeching really loud in my ears, so much so I wanted to take the main protagonist girls’ shark tooth she had in her pocket and cut my own ears off. It was just complaining, bitching, dumb decision making, and constant screaming. Jamie Foxx’s and Sylvestor Stallone’s daughters play two of the main four protagonists here, and some back door dealing had to have been made to get them the roles, because they were absolutely abysmal and I hope they never get hired to act again. John Corbett (you know who he is even if you don’t) gets the coveted ‘and’ title in the credits, and is in it just enough to spout of a few lines as himself and then even try and steal Samuel L. Jackson’s famous speech and scene in Deep Blue Sea.

And that’s the third big problem of this film, other than the boredom and the acting, is that all of its thrills are stolen from other shark movies. A shark kills a person, and Kim and I would constantly guess when exactly the mangled body would float up and scare a different character, which isn’t anything new in a shark movie. I already mentioned above that they completely rip off Samuel L. Jackson’s moment in Deep Blue Sea. They also even rip off another moment from that film when a character finds a sharp object to stab the shark and escape while being held in the great white’s mouth. All of the jump scares are cheap and always accompanied loud, annoying, crescendo bang to the musical score to try and make you jump in your seat. The film rips off the Stephen King adaptation 1408 by trying to make the song sung by The Carpenters creepy again. A character fires a flare gun at a shark, etc. etc. etc. There is not an original bone in this films’ body. The Mayan caves aren’t even that interesting to look at.

While the sharks look okay, the rest of the CGI (including that small blind fish that scared the girls) is abysmal. There is this one scene near the end where the characters that managed to survive at that point have to go through this giant current tunnel thing. You can completely tell that the girls are in just a steady and calm location while “acting” and post production just lazily floods most of the rest of the screen with fast moving CGI water bubbles to make it seem like the sea is hectic around them. Completely unconvincing. You really have to suspend your belief with some of the shit that goes on in this film. And eventually, at the very, very end, the film both broke Kim and I with uncontrollable unintentional laughter. Near the beginning of the film, the teenagers have to walk a long, long way from their cars to get to this little water paradise spot. When they get there, they sort of high up, and instead of taking the path to lead them to the surface of the water, they just happily jump in. WHERE ARE THEIR PHOOOOOOONES?!?!? Did they leave them in their car? There is absolutely no explanatory dialogue either, no “we’ll just leave our phones in the car because we won’t be long” or “We need to leave our phones in the car so our parents can’t track us” and not even a “we’ll leave our phones in the car because we won’t get a signal at this place anyway and don’t want them to get wet.” Nothing, made absolutely no sense.

Then throughout the movie, there is a bunch of foreshadowed shit that Kim and I leaned over to each other and either just said “foreshadowing” or “this will come back later” and sure enough, we were right…but instead of spreading out these payoffs to the set ups evenly and all throughout the film, THEY ALL COME BACK IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES. Hence why it broke us. Especially the last one where I called what would happen with a certain shark tooth that was introduced only five minutes into the film. Once we knew it was about to come back on screen, it was uncontrollable giggles until the end credits. So which is better, the first one or Uncaged? No clear winner, they are both nasty shark chum. I looked up to see what other bullshit writer/director Johannes Roberts has done other than these two shark movies, and lo and behold…he also did the sequel to The Strangers: Prey at Night, which also had a bunch of idiotic shit like this film did. And he’s done other shit that I haven’t seen because all of his filmography is poorly reviewed. Good riddance. I really hope they don’t make another, but mark my words, we’ll probably see a third one green lit soon. But maybe not, maybe there is a chance that his career be attacked this shark and be buried at sea forever. This was one….dumb ass shark doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SEXTUPLETS (Netflix) (My New Worst Film Of All Time)

SEXTUPLETS is the worst thing since AIDS. It is now officially takes the top dunce cap spot as the worst film I have ever seen. It is probably going to be one of the final nails in the coffin of Netflix, which now has maybe two years left once Disney + and other streaming services arrive and take all their content back. You are telling me that Netflix is fronting checks to both Adam Sandler and Marlon Wayans for these types of shit films yet they fucking cancel Santa Clarita Diet? Fuck you Netflix. Once all of these other companies take their content, what the hell are you going to have left? 50 dumb Adam Sandler movies and another 50 dumb Marlon Wayans ones? All you have left is Stranger Things, and after one or two more seasons you won’t even have that anymore. You shit the bed with House of Cards (sort of not your fault) and you cancel everything else after two to three seasons because of financing issues. The only great original films you have produced was Mudbound and Roma. Everything else is absolute garbage except for passable good films such as almost everything you have with Noah Centineo or that one pageant film with Jennifer Aniston I can’t even remember the name of. Embarrassing. And I thought Wine Country was easily the worst film of the year. Sextuplets asked it to hold its fucking wine…

I’m reviewing this film to warn you all: DO NOT FUCKING WATCH IT. If you watch it and hate it, you are just wasting your time. If you watch it and actually think it’s a decent film like some dumb ass critic at Variety, please unfriend me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, wherever I’m linked to you on social media, because I will never talk to you again. That’s how bad this film is. I did not laugh, chuckle, or semi-snort one time. In fact, I was cringing half the movie of how badly it was written and acted. If you must know, the movie is about a guy named Alan about to have a baby, that doesn’t know any of his biological family medical history because he was adopted, so he gets a judge to unseal his adoption records, and he finds out that he is one of six children born at the same time, hence Sextuplets. Marlon Wayans decided to take the Eddie Muprhy/Martin Lawrence route and play all 6 of the characters (and a secret 7th one, but you can guess who he plays 15 minutes in before that character shows up at the very end of the movie). You thought Norbit was bad? This film makes Norbit look like the first remake of The Nutty Professor.

And each character that Marlon Wayans plays gets more ridiculous and more annoying than the last. The film starts out like a plain harmless Netflix comedy with no laughs, but once that first sibling, Russell I believe, shows up, everything goes straight to hell. Wayans plays everyone over the top, ridiculously annoying, somewhat probably offensive and stupid. 2 of them are fat, one of those being a woman (because why not?), one is tiny, small, and fragile (think that dumb film where Marlon Wayan’s face is on the CGI body of a baby) and has a bunch of medical problems, one plays a more mean, gross and perverted version of the original Alan named Ethan (just there so he can cut his hair and look exactly like Alan for some identity mix up stupid hi jinks bullshit), and then the last one plays a conspiracy theory black ginger. I shit you not. Some of these characters are going to be extremely offensive to some people (I don’t get offended that easily, but I can just imagine some people getting flabbergasted) and Tiffany Haddish now needs to sue Marlon Wayans, because the girl sextuplet he plays named Dawn, is basically just a more crass and loud fat Tiffany Haddish. Gun to my head, I couldn’t tell you which of the siblings was the worst, but I rolled my eyes a bunch at Dawn and Russell, and my eyeballs almost fell out of my sockets when we meet Jaspar.

What probably flabbergasted me the most is that this movie was based off a children’s book by the same name by Amy Krouse Rosenthal (I haven’t read it). The word BASED needs to be in bold and in huge letters because there is no way this film contains any of the books content, especially when a couple of F words and unfunny dick and fart joke humor comes flying about. I don’t understand how this film could’ve gotten made. Did anybody at Netflix or the director or any of the otheractors actually read the fucking script before green lighting it? Was Marlon Wayans last Netflix film, Naked, really that good to them (I thought it was meh)? I mean, this script is so, so bad. You have Michael Ian Black and Molly Shannon showing up in this piece of shit, and the latter does some pretty offensive long drawn out quips to one of Wayans’ characters midway through the film.

I just, I just don’t understand how this movie exists from Netflix, yet we will never get anymore of the masterful Santa Clarita Diet. Who is running the show here? The direction is awful, the make up is awful, the music is awful, the dialogue is awful, everything about this movie is abysmal. I then proceeded to look up the director, and of course he directed Marlon Wayans “hits” such as both dumb fucking Haunted House parody movies and the worse Fifty Shades of Black. They even warned other filmmakers in the film Tropic Thunder to stop making films like this with that Jack Black parody trailer, yet they still don’t listen (which I would watch a bazillion times before ever watching Sextuplets again). Please, for the love of God, even if you are laughing at my review and are curious to see how bad this thing is: DO NOT WATCH IT. DO NOT SUPPORT SHIT LIKE THIS. I KNOW I DID, BUT I MADE A SACRIFICE FLY FOR THE TEAM!!!

My last concluding paragraph is quite simple: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2 (now on video, minor spoilers)

To start my review, I’m letting you know right now that I didn’t like the original film, so if you want to ditch my review after this sentence, just know that if you liked the first, you are going to love THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2. Now while I did not love the sequel, I will say that, in my opinion, it is vastly superior to the original, for a whole bunch of reasons, but also for a whole bunch of reasons, I didn’t necessarily like it that much anyway. My tiny almost two year old son enjoys it, and so if we want to keep him calm, cool, and collected, I have no problem putting this on as he sat through the whole thing, attention dead center, the first time. For comparison, he’s up and about doing other things by minute 10 in the original. But considering I did not laugh at all, find the plot interesting or coherent, or enjoy looking at the animation in the first one, and laughed out loud several times, liked some of the plot, and enjoyed the some look of this one, I’ll consider any kind of improvement welcome in this case.

And don’t listen to my pessimistic ass at all if you and your family (especially the little ones) enjoyed the first one and haven’t seen and are looking forward to this (digitally it is out now, physical or rent-able in one to two weeks). I look too hard into these things. I really liked Incredibles 2 when it first came out, yet now I pick it apart like a fine tooth comb, and I didn’t like Finding Nemo at first but over time have come to appreciate it as a classic (the sequel, not so much), so my taste is all over the fucking place with animated/kids films. I like to say that I have an eye for some good storytelling though, and that’s why I didn’t really like the first film. When you sit me down and tell me that I’m going to watch a movie called The Secret Life of Pets, I expect a fun little adventure of some over-the-top albeit somewhat realistic adventure of what pets really do, think, behave and what-not while we are gone. The first film started out like that, with a couple of minor slight chuckle worthy jokes, but then Max the dog and the new dog in his life Duke go on this bizarre zany adventure where they end up in a sewer filled with all sorts of exotic animals, I think they drive a damn truck at one point (I don’t remember as I’ve only seen it fully once in the theater and then in passing as my wife has it on in the background for my son while he plays in the living room), and, I don’t know, it just didn’t feel like pets were living out a “secret life” in front of me.

Universal and Illumination were just plastering these pets on the screen and pointed and yelled in your face, “look, it’s cute fucking pets doing weird fucking pet shit while you are gone and then they go on this lazy awkward adventure, BUT LOOK HOW FUCKING CUTE THEY ARE, WE EVEN GOT KEVIN HART TO YELL INTO THE MICROPHONE AS A CUTE PET BUNNY, WE WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH THIS CUTENESS!” It may have worked on most of you, but for me, I turned to the filmmakers and answered back, “Why….why are you yelling at me?” The first film wasn’t terrible, it just didn’t work, and I found it maybe one step above the filth that are animated films that come and go out of theaters and no one hears from again, i.e. Ugly Dolls. Basically, not shit, just dull. Uninspired. So since my wife really liked the first movie, she’s seen it several times, and since we own it, unfortunately I knew that we’d have to own the sequel, because of my sequel rule (Rule: If you own the theatrical original, you have to own the theatrical sequels, although direct-to-video shit doesn’t count). But curiosity of course killed my inner cat and was wondering how the fuck would they make a sequel to a really dull original film?

Well, turns out, they fixed some of their mistakes. Notice I said some, as there is one part of the multiple plotted sequel that I didn’t care for, and all the stories ended up colliding with the part I didn’t care for, which made me really not like the 3rd act, but we’ll get to that in a second. Let me explain the three plots. Plot A: Max and Duke’s owner marries a guy, they have a kid together, and Max ends up caring so much for the kid that he thinks the outside world is dangerous, goes neurotic, and he ends up going to a vet, and then they end up visiting the husband’s brother and his ranch, who has a dog voiced by Han Solo, that teaches Max to bulk up yet calm the fuck down about life in general. Plot B: Chloe and Snowball meet Daisy, voiced by Tiffany Haddish because she’s getting all the roles after Girl’s Trip, and assist her in rescuing a white bengal Tiger from this circus owner and his insane wolves and pet monkey who are about to turn him into a rug if he doesn’t turn tricks at the circus shows. Meanwhile Snowball was dressed as a superhero at the beginning of the film and wants to prove he is actually one. Plot C: Gidget promises to keep Max’s favorite toy, Busy Bee, safe while he is gone out to that ranch, but she loses it to this old lady’s posse of cats, so with the help of Norman and lessons from Chloe, learns to be a cat to try and retrieve the toy back.

Sounds like a lot of plot huh? Will it surprise you when I reveal that even after the mid credits scene this movie is only an hour and 20 minutes long? I know right? Somehow though, they manage to pull it off even though it all feels too stuffy, where they could’ve added an extra fifteen minutes with Max, Harrison Ford, and the ranch to have it more well rounded (my favorite plot of the three plots btw). Guess which was my least favorite of the three? That’s right, Kevin Hart’s Snowball. How Kevin Hart doesn’t have a fucking migraine after his voice sessions is beyond my reason of understanding as he literally yells all of his fucking lines the entire film. It’s SOOO annoying, but I guess you can chalk it up to the fact that I’m not the biggest Kevin Hart fan around. But it isn’t just him, it’s his plot. The other two plots I enjoyed because it displayed the “secret” life of these pets and had jokes that I felt that landed, were a little over-the-top but also had their foot inside the door of some grounded realism. The Snowball plot? Ridiculous from the get go. And unfortunately for the 3rd act, Plots A and C I felt wrapped up too quickly and those characters took the lessons they learned quite fast so the whole thing could integrate into plot B and have that as the climax. And since I didn’t like Plot B, you can tell my enthusiasm of having it be the ultimate capper for the film.

What the filmmakers should have done was have plots B and C integrate into a more daring and elaborate Plot A climax. There was a bunch of stuff that could’ve happened on the ranch that Max and Duke went to that could’ve combined all three stories. But instead, they chose to go with Kevin Hart and Snowball since they feel that the audience force laughs to that the best. Where if they really paid attention they would’ve realized we laughed the best to the naturally organic jokes in Plots A and C and did something to that. In fact, I think that Snowball’s plot could’ve been completely thrown out the window and expanded on the other two to make a much stronger and superior sequel. But with Hollywood, and me looking in on the ultimate outsides of outside, I have literally no say in the matter, so I took what I could get. I really liked Plots A and C, and loved Harrison Ford’s new dog character Rooster. It seemed like Ford actually fucking tried. And the pets did funny pet-inspired things, none of them tried to be a fucking bunny that was aiming to be a wacky angry superhero straight out of a Zack Snyder movie. The white bengal tiger was cute but the wolves, the nasty circus owner and his pet monkey were dull to the point of being abysmal. Also, of course with there being a lot of plot, some characters from the first are going to get very limited screentime in the second, the one most effected is Duke, who literally does almost nothing. But I guess his story was really just the first film…and they basically wrapped his entire character arc up with it.

The animation, especially in the forest and outside at the ranch seemed more intricate and inspired. And the voice acting was pretty good. Patton Oswalt did his best to sound like sexual abuser Louis C.K. and not the rat from Ratatouille. Even though Tiffany Haddish voice is very recognizable she seemed into it and not just reading off paper. Jenny Slate and Harrison Ford were the true winners here though. Like I said, Kevin Hart was annoying with his yelling and Nick Kroll added nothing the evil circus owner we’ve heard a billion times before. Out of curiosity, I went to the “always reliable” Rotten Tomatoes. The critics are nuts on this and the audience score is telling me everything I needed to know and confirm. Critics liked the first film better, the score 73% to 59%. The audience score for me tells it like how I personally felt (albeit with much lower numbers for both). 62% for the first film, but a whopping 90% for the second film. I don’t think Universal’s Illumination Animation has had a great film since the very first Despicable Me. If the writers try even harder when the inevitable The Secret Life of Pets 3 comes out, maybe third time’s the charm to add a second great animated film to their roster?