Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SEXTUPLETS (Netflix) (My New Worst Film Of All Time)

SEXTUPLETS is the worst thing since AIDS. It is now officially takes the top dunce cap spot as the worst film I have ever seen. It is probably going to be one of the final nails in the coffin of Netflix, which now has maybe two years left once Disney + and other streaming services arrive and take all their content back. You are telling me that Netflix is fronting checks to both Adam Sandler and Marlon Wayans for these types of shit films yet they fucking cancel Santa Clarita Diet? Fuck you Netflix. Once all of these other companies take their content, what the hell are you going to have left? 50 dumb Adam Sandler movies and another 50 dumb Marlon Wayans ones? All you have left is Stranger Things, and after one or two more seasons you won’t even have that anymore. You shit the bed with House of Cards (sort of not your fault) and you cancel everything else after two to three seasons because of financing issues. The only great original films you have produced was Mudbound and Roma. Everything else is absolute garbage except for passable good films such as almost everything you have with Noah Centineo or that one pageant film with Jennifer Aniston I can’t even remember the name of. Embarrassing. And I thought Wine Country was easily the worst film of the year. Sextuplets asked it to hold its fucking wine…

I’m reviewing this film to warn you all: DO NOT FUCKING WATCH IT. If you watch it and hate it, you are just wasting your time. If you watch it and actually think it’s a decent film like some dumb ass critic at Variety, please unfriend me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, wherever I’m linked to you on social media, because I will never talk to you again. That’s how bad this film is. I did not laugh, chuckle, or semi-snort one time. In fact, I was cringing half the movie of how badly it was written and acted. If you must know, the movie is about a guy named Alan about to have a baby, that doesn’t know any of his biological family medical history because he was adopted, so he gets a judge to unseal his adoption records, and he finds out that he is one of six children born at the same time, hence Sextuplets. Marlon Wayans decided to take the Eddie Muprhy/Martin Lawrence route and play all 6 of the characters (and a secret 7th one, but you can guess who he plays 15 minutes in before that character shows up at the very end of the movie). You thought Norbit was bad? This film makes Norbit look like the first remake of The Nutty Professor.

And each character that Marlon Wayans plays gets more ridiculous and more annoying than the last. The film starts out like a plain harmless Netflix comedy with no laughs, but once that first sibling, Russell I believe, shows up, everything goes straight to hell. Wayans plays everyone over the top, ridiculously annoying, somewhat probably offensive and stupid. 2 of them are fat, one of those being a woman (because why not?), one is tiny, small, and fragile (think that dumb film where Marlon Wayan’s face is on the CGI body of a baby) and has a bunch of medical problems, one plays a more mean, gross and perverted version of the original Alan named Ethan (just there so he can cut his hair and look exactly like Alan for some identity mix up stupid hi jinks bullshit), and then the last one plays a conspiracy theory black ginger. I shit you not. Some of these characters are going to be extremely offensive to some people (I don’t get offended that easily, but I can just imagine some people getting flabbergasted) and Tiffany Haddish now needs to sue Marlon Wayans, because the girl sextuplet he plays named Dawn, is basically just a more crass and loud fat Tiffany Haddish. Gun to my head, I couldn’t tell you which of the siblings was the worst, but I rolled my eyes a bunch at Dawn and Russell, and my eyeballs almost fell out of my sockets when we meet Jaspar.

What probably flabbergasted me the most is that this movie was based off a children’s book by the same name by Amy Krouse Rosenthal (I haven’t read it). The word BASED needs to be in bold and in huge letters because there is no way this film contains any of the books content, especially when a couple of F words and unfunny dick and fart joke humor comes flying about. I don’t understand how this film could’ve gotten made. Did anybody at Netflix or the director or any of the otheractors actually read the fucking script before green lighting it? Was Marlon Wayans last Netflix film, Naked, really that good to them (I thought it was meh)? I mean, this script is so, so bad. You have Michael Ian Black and Molly Shannon showing up in this piece of shit, and the latter does some pretty offensive long drawn out quips to one of Wayans’ characters midway through the film.

I just, I just don’t understand how this movie exists from Netflix, yet we will never get anymore of the masterful Santa Clarita Diet. Who is running the show here? The direction is awful, the make up is awful, the music is awful, the dialogue is awful, everything about this movie is abysmal. I then proceeded to look up the director, and of course he directed Marlon Wayans “hits” such as both dumb fucking Haunted House parody movies and the worse Fifty Shades of Black. They even warned other filmmakers in the film Tropic Thunder to stop making films like this with that Jack Black parody trailer, yet they still don’t listen (which I would watch a bazillion times before ever watching Sextuplets again). Please, for the love of God, even if you are laughing at my review and are curious to see how bad this thing is: DO NOT WATCH IT. DO NOT SUPPORT SHIT LIKE THIS. I KNOW I DID, BUT I MADE A SACRIFICE FLY FOR THE TEAM!!!

My last concluding paragraph is quite simple: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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