Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SWALLOW (VOD) (NOT PORN!!!)

No, I haven’t degraded to reviewing porn yet. There are still some things coming out streaming service wise or rental if the movie is (still in theaters) that I will review. SWALLOW is one of these new movies that you can rent (only $6.99, not this $19.99 bullshit, and I had a $3 promotion code to make it $3.99), and one I’ve been hearing a lot about on Twitter. It stars NOT JENNIFER LAWRENCE, Haley Bennett, and it is a psychological horror thriller about a newly pregnant wife that, after getting greatly stressed recently because of the strains of social placement her husband and in laws have put on her recently, develops a strange and dangerous compulsion to consume inedible objects in. What kind of objects might you ask? Well the poster shows her about to eat a fucking thumb tack (it gets worse). So if you can stomach that, which I barely could in the first place, you might find this movie a little interesting. Would I recommend it? I could get past the ick factor even though I dry heaved a couple of times, what I could get past was that the movie was too convoluted for its own good. It need to keep things simple, which it does for about the first 45 minutes, and then it throws on unneeded layers and reasoning to the story when it didn’t need anything else, thus producing a bold yet unearned ending that felt very, very forced.

Haley Bennett’s character is suffering from Pica, a compulsive eating disorder in which people eat nonfood items. And the film establishes very early on that the reason why she is doing this is because she feels the pressure of being in control when her husband and her in-laws hold her in high standard to do the things that they want her to do both mentally and physically. Basically she is being slowly mentally abused in a non threatening kind of way. But it is threatening to her, and when she eats these…sometimes dangerous, inanimate objects, she feels like she has that little moment of steering her life in the direction that she wants to go. It wouldn’t be spoilers really to say that the family discovers what she is doing really early on, so the mental abuse gets worse, and the whole film becomes a very interesting character study. But then, something is thrown into the film, a twist, if you will, that tries to take her whole reasoning of having Pica in another direction. Well, not an entirely whole other direction, it layers it on top of what we’ve already seen and nudges it about 10 degrees to the left. And it didn’t work for me. It’s kind of hard to talk about without revealing spoilers, but I did think the ending was bold, but I knew in my heart and in my mind that it didn’t earn that ending. I can say that the thing that was added to her madness felt tacked on, and it comes out during one of her therapy sessions with her therapist. When that whole angle was just suddenly brought up, I literally said out loud…”wait…what…why?” And then my interest in the film started to lag, where I was quite bored until the couple of minutes right before the end credits start to roll.

The only thing that keeps this film from sinking is the beautiful performance by NOT JENNIFER LAWRENCE, Haley Bennett. You might’ve seen her in supporting stuff like Music & Lyrics, Hardcore Henry, and the film adaptation of The Girl On The Train, but she’s the star here, and her acting makes us feel all the emotions her character goes thru and make us, the audience, want to help her. I am also glad the film didn’t do one other thing. While there is certainly an ick factor of swallowing inanimate objects, the film didn’t go all Saw on everyone. There are a couple of moments where you see some blood but it doesn’t go all gratuitous with it. You’ll probably still dry heave choke with some of what she swallows but you won’t be going and puking in the bathroom from any torture porn film like proportions. The direction is nice and neat. The shots are beautiful and clean, and then you get some of the blood from her character eating those objects which puts a satisfying stain on the picture and the brightness of the environment, metaphorically of course. It’s the ultimate story telling that didn’t work for me. It has a very solid first 45 minutes, and then things sort of go wheels off until the final couple of minutes. Who knows, it may work for you. It’s not like I completely ditched the film, but this would be the only time I would ever swallow the film whole.

Zach's Zany Movie Reviews: THE PLATFORM (Netflix)

You didn’t think you’d see me this soon again now did ya? Yet, I am scraping the bottom of the barrel with streaming movies (as long as they are new for the U.S. as of 2020) and several of my movie sites I frequent pointed me to THE PLATFORM, a new international feature film that debuted on Netflix last Friday. There is always some kind of small treasure when you search the bottom of barrels, and needless to say, this was a very nice small treasure. Now, I say international feature film, and now you are probably smacking your head because you are in fear that means you’ll have to go above and beyond like you did recently to watch and read the subtitles to the 2019 Academy Award winner for Best Picture, Parasite. However, this is not subtitled, it’s a new hurtle that you’ll have to get over if you want to enjoy the film…it is dubbed. It is a Spanish science fiction horror film, with a high concept. If you’ve ever heard about or scene the movie Cube, it is kind of like that, but not really (I’ll get to the synopsis in a moment). But it is DEFINITELY original, and after about 5 minutes I got over the dubbing (the voices not matching the lip movements) and enjoyed this nice and tight 1 hr and 35 minute feature that has no filler, didn’t blink once, I was quite amazed at how solid it is. Definitely one of those rare Netflix treats that you don’t want to miss.

The concept (without going into spoilers, and borrowing from IMDB and Wikipedia because I’m just too lazy nowadays to put it in my own words: “The film is set in a large, tower-style prison where the inmates are fed by means of a platform that gradually descends the levels of the tower, ostensibly a fair system if each inmate takes only their fair share of food, but deeply inequitable in practice as inmates at the top levels have the ability to take much more food and leave less for those below them.” And now we get to a little of my own description: Two men wake up on level 48, not knowing each of each other’s back stories, but one of them has been in the prison already for a little while and knows the ups and downs. They are going to have to learn to get along so they can survive long enough to outlast their sentences. Aaaaaaand that’s where I am going to stop. Any more and I would spoil the many surprises that the film has in store for you. And when I say many surprises, I MEAN MANY. In bold. This movie completely subverted my expectations, with one hell of a roller coaster ride that leads to a near perfect ending that I didn’t see coming. The film is very layered with messages, such as politics, socialism, etc. but doesn’t beat you over the head with any of them. The Platform is finely crafted, and you can tell the filmmakers spent a lot of time fine tuning it so that all audiences could enjoy.

I am not familiar with the director or any of the actors, so I won’t get into too many particulars, but needless to say, the acting is top notch and the direction even better. The film is dark, gritty and shot masterfully. It’s a high concept that pays off. Now while this film is being described as horror. It isn’t a jump out at you cheap jump scare type of thing. Like Hereditary, Midsommer, or any other well written horror film that doesn’t contain any jump scares, this is a movie that preys and feasts on the mind, making you shudder if you try to put yourself into the situation of any of the inmates there. It will chill you to your bone. So I’m gonna make this review short because I feel like I’m about to blab about something that should be saved in your viewing. If you can get past the dubbing, which for me was less then 5 minutes, and you get to the core of the story, you are going to have a helluva time with The Platform. In fact, I want to re watch it soon just so I can pick out things planted within the movie that I might’ve missed on first viewing. Just like the prison, this film has many layers, and its story will stick with me for quite some time.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BANKER (Apple TV+)

Two Avengers & an X-Men walk into a bank…I can already guess right now that more than 80% of you that read my reviews probably don’t have Apple TV+. I see their streaming service being closed after another year or two of content that doesn’t peak any one’s interest. Eh…make that 95% of you that read my reviews probably don’t have it. Even Apple is freaking out because many people that have bought a new Apple product aren’t taking them up on signing up for the service for a year for free. The only reason I have Apple TV+ is because I got a new iPhone back in December. I bet some of you didn’t even know that and have bought a new Apple product. It has (I guess, I don’t watch it) The Morning Show that stars Jennifer Aniston, it has Mythic Quest Raven’s Banquet series that was created by the It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (which I did watch all of and its the best thing the streaming service has to offer) and now it has this new original movie THE BANKER, starring Samuel L. Jackson, Anthony Mackie, and Nicholas Hoult. It has other shit, like a Jason Mamoa TV series called…See…or something like that, but it all looks like drivel to me. Now while it took about 20 minutes to really get going (out of a two hour runtime), The Banker is really quite good. And where I was thinking I’d have nothing to review for awhile, thank the Movie God’s I was wrong.

THE BANKER has a very interesting true story premise, borrowing the simple tag line on IMDB: “In the 1960s two African-American entrepreneurs hire a working-class white man to pretend to be the head of their business empire while they pose as a janitor and chauffeur.” Anthony Mackie and Samuel L. Jackson are the two entrepreneurs and Nicholas Hoult plays the working-class white man. Their business empire consists of being two of the first African American bankers in the United States. They start off by buying and owning buildings that these banks are in, that won’t give them the time of day when they need it, and then eventually sliding directly into banking itself, all while having this white man, who is not racist and considers them friends, be the face of the company. Because no one would take them seriously in the first place…because look at what unfortunate time period they were stuck in. And they also do some of their main business in Texas at the time…yikes. Anyway, like I said earlier, the movie starts off a little slow with Anthony Mackie as a genius, but again, white people judge him by the color of his skin so won’t take him seriously, but about 20 minutes in, after Mackie has met Jackson’s character and they get Nicholas Hoult involved in their scheme and try to groom him so that he can walk the walk and talk the talk, the movie gets extremely entertaining and fun.

Do yourself a favor and don’t do any research on what happened to any of the characters. I didn’t and enjoyed the movie much more that I didn’t know what was going to happen in the end. The movie is funny, entertaining, smart, and moving at times. I liked that it didn’t treat the audience like they were morons and didn’t try to explain every single thing about the math in their business or what terms meant. You either know what they are talking about or you Google it if you want to understand. Tired of movies spoon feeding information to their audience, and it seems like writer/director George Nolfi (Ocean’s Twelve, Adjustment Bureau) knew that and decided we didn’t need hand holding. I’m glad he did, as I was looking up terms left and right, trying AND wanting to understand more of what these characters were doing math and money wise. The movie is of course superbly acted. Anthony Mackie and Samuel L. Jackson do a great job as they usually do, Nia Long has a good small part as Mackie’s wife, but the scene stealer here is Nicholas Hoult, especially the grooming and conning other white men (in a way) scenes. I think this is Apple TV+’s first original movie that they bought. If they were to keep bulking up the screening service with more films of the quality and many more interesting TV shows other than Mystic Quest, they might be able to survive. Hence the word might, you can take that to the bank.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LOST GIRLS (Netflix)

It’s only fitting that my last review for the time being (nothing scheduled to hit original film streaming wise for the next two weeks) is trying to persuade you to not watch this film. Especially when you will watch it anyway, because its one of the only things you haven’t seen. But let it be known, in my opinion, LOST GIRLS, a new movie that just premiered on Netflix this past week, is a massive disappointment. Clocking in at a measly 1 hr and 35 minutes (including credits), this really only feels like half a movie, 40-45 minutes lost somewhere to…God only knows what. And it is very frustrating because you will see that there is a more meticulous story in there somewhere. I mean, it is a true story about one woman’s determination to find her missing daughter, feared that she was killed by The Long Island Serial Killer. Serial killer movies, especially the ones based off real life are fascinating because they usually go into the mind of the killer to try and figure out why the fuck he/she was doing what they were doing. This film, just to forewarn you, doesn’t show the serial killer, mainly because, he still hasn’t been caught to this day, so we don’t have any sense of his actions or of where he was exactly when. So it relies on this woman’s story fed up with the police investigation, which she says is lazy, and tries to find her daughter (whether it be body or alive) on her own. One of the other main problems with the movie is, it is only one sided.

There are constant scenes of Amy Ryan (who plays this real life mother named Mari Gilbert) talking about how the police are ineffectively doing their jobs and completely fucking up the investigation. However, we don’t ever see the other side really. I mean, we do see Gabriel Bryne’s almost retired detective doing some work (and it didn’t seem to me to be ineffective), but she just keeps spouting off what the police are doing wrong, but we never see it. We as an audience are just supposed to take her work for it, and that be that. That’s why I think it is only half a movie. If the filmmakers really agreed with how the police fucked up the investigation leading to an arrest, THEY NEED TO SHOW IT ON FILM. That is a perfect example of what could’ve been in those (not confirmed, only saying what it feels like to me) 40 minutes that could’ve added a lot of (no pun intended) meat to the bones of this story. The story also jumps in time erratically (we are told through dialogue it is one year later yet everything else that happens still feels like it was yesterday), which leads to the audience asking questions like, “what the fuck is happening?” Albeit, those questions are better answered than say the other newer film on Netflix (and worst film of the year for me so far) titled The Last Thing He Wanted, but still, if you are going to have leaps in time or actions, they all need to be transitioned better.

Her investigation leads to her daughter’s (this is early on, so not really a spoiler) life as a sex worker (the Long Island Serial Killer is known to be targeting women sex workers), and so there are a couple of sex workers that knew her daughter and they sit around and have like a therapy session type thing in some scenes, and all of that felt hugely out of place for me. I can see why those scenes were in there, as in they show that even though they are sex workers, they are human beings and a community in themselves worried about their own, but the scenes feel randomly inserted. This goes back to the editing and pacing problem I just talked about. Those scenes in the movie needed to feel more natural, and it feeling like only half a film, it takes a jarring toll on the rest of the story. The acting is one of the only saving graces of the film, as Amy Ryan and one of her daughters still alive, played by JoJo Rabbit’s Thomasen McKenzie, are excellent here. There are the only two that really got me through the film. Now let’s talk about the ending without getting into spoilers. I think I can do it. So the film ends where it should, but then there is a epilogue of text, and that epilogue of text is so shocking (I didn’t do any research about the real life stuff beforehand) that I think it shouldn’t have been text, but in the film. It would’ve made for a shocking yet depressing ending to be sure, as it really did happen, and again, that’s part of what feels like it is missing from the movie. Had the text only epilogue been a harrowing scene in the movie…I could’ve maybe seen me giving it a mild recommendation.

So yeah, I’m basically giving this movie a negative review because it felt like half a movie. That’s it. The cinematography is good, it feels gritty and dark the entire way through. Already said the acting was top notch. And the fact that there is a great, great story in there just adds on to the massive disappointment of what could’ve been. I don’t know, if any of this sounds interesting to you, maybe you should have a watch because you will probably like it more than me. Especially in these dark COVID-19 times where you are going to be relying on watching a bunch of shit to keep you sane through quarantine. And not just watching any bunch of shit, but new shit you haven’t seen before. I was even debating on doing this review but I figure, since it’s my last one for a couple of weeks, might as well, even if its negative. Because while I might review something, it’s still your choice whether or not to watch it, which is fine (even though I might give some of you shit for watching other, worse, films). And you might not even know this film even exists without this review here. Which, if you watch it, could help get it exposure to help out that community, what with all their productions being shut down and all due to this cock sucking virus. So while I say nay on Lost Girls, you could actually find this thing and say yay.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: STAR GIRL (Disney+)

“Where were you when amateur critic Zach Alexander put the first Disney+ original film in his worst list of the year?” is what you might be asking yourselves years from now…even amid this pandemic. Just kidding, no one gives a shit what I think, but eveb among this COVID-19 shit, I will remember that STAR GIRL is the first Disney + original film that I didn’t much care for. For people like me…you…you always remember your first. Here’s the thing, well…two fold: first, the movie isn’t that bad, I’m about to write a review after this one of a movie called Lost Girls on Netflix, which was way worse than this. Secondly, A lot of you will like this anyway, especially if you’ve read the beloved book, and at the same time, I’ve just seen this kind of movie too many times to care at this point. It’s another weird, awkward, yet very nice and inspiring person being accepted at a school in a small town movie. She says her name is Star Girl, and at first the school thinks she’s odd (except for a boy, who is our narrator and has a crush on her the entire time) and keeps her at a distance, some of her actions (like singing nice songs) makes the school conform and the school at one point after she starts going there breaks down social barriers where everyone is accepted by everyone and no one dislikes each other, get bullied etc. But that’s the middle of the movie, and you know there has got to be some kind of conflict for this thing to stretch out into an hour and 47 minutes (really only an hour and 37, fucking Disney+ is still stretching out their credits to no man’s land), so other stuff happens, but I won’t be that spoilery type person. Suffice to say, her star shines bright, but then it doesn’t.

It just takes a long time to get to some kind of plot. Over the half of the movie it is just this boy, telling the audience about his crush and admiration for this really weird chick that dresses different and acts different and doesn’t give a shit. And he wishes he could still be that way, because he used to be weird with his clothing choices (really only his dead father’s really large tie). And I kept wondering where the fuck the movie was going. And instead of showing it’s hand card by card, it just lays them out on the table right after halfway through the film, and it didn’t feel like any of the hard hitting social lessons were earned very well. Especially when it reveals that in Star Girls good deeds, she does two things accidentally wrong (only one I really understood, the other seemed like really not a big deal at all, and something that the entire student body wouldn’t get upset over in real life). And the ending seems abrupt and not earned either with how depressing it is. The ending doesn’t make that much sense, and I’d get into it more but if you have any interest in this movie, and want to watch it, I don’t want to ruin it, especially if you are quarantined in your house and have nothing to do.

The acting all around is pretty good, even though the great Giancarlo Esposito’s (Gus Fring in Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul) character in this is completely pointless. Also, it LITERALLY looks like he stepped off the Better Call Saul set to shoot less than 10 minutes of this film. It had me laughing, the just dishevel his hair and point and shoot. Star Girl is played by Grace VanderWaal, who was a giant sensation on America’s Got Talent, musically speaking. Or so I heard, never watch that show. But she sings and plays a guitar/ukele in this and is really quite good. Who knew she could act? While I didn’t care much for the movie, I enjoyed her performance and could see her doing better films in the future. All in all, the movie has good messages about social conformity (kind of ironic since we are practicing social distancing right now because of the virus) but it just didn’t work for me. I was interested in the movie for the first ten minutes when the boy was explaining his chool life, but quickly got bored, and basically never recovered. However, I will always remember that this is the first Disney+ film that I didn’t really care for too much. Noelle and Timmy Failure were barely passable though, Togo and Lady & The Tramp being its highlights. So this is only the fifth film, take that for what you will. I’m sure there will be something worse down the line, in fact, I’m 150% positive there will be, I just wish at this point that Disney+ maybe would’ve debut with more original shit under its sleeve. All it really has original masterful content wise is The Mandalorian and the last season of Clone Wars. And no, that isn’t enough to earn this streaming service a star on the classroom board for me yet.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BLOODSHOT

Well, my last movie in the theater for awhile. My reviews will continue with new film streaming content, but I just saw my last movie in the theater for an undetermined amount of time because of COVID-19’s delays on every new release among the horizon, and I’ve seen and reviewed everything else, and I’m not seeing that religious bullshit I Still Believe where the girl dies of cancer at the end. Oh…sorry…spoiler alert for that film I guess (**snickers**). So with it being my last theatrical experience for awhile…I’m quite torn on BLOODSHOT, Vin Diesel’s new attempt at sucking his own ego dick. Because on one hand, if this had just been another movie on another ordinary weekend, would I have completely bashed it and thought it was trash? And is it only because I tried to enjoy my last movie theater visit that I actually kind of enjoyed it in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way? While watching it I was so desperately wanting something else to rip another new asshole into, but when struggling to put it on my mostly blank worst of the year list, I found myself…entertained…to a degree. So what am I saying? Am I saying to take my review with a giant grain of salt? Or am I recommending it, and asking you to trust my recommendation, even though the film has so many fucking problems, because I enjoyed my experience, some of the action, and two specific performances? It’s up to you, but I think you need to ask yourself. Do you like Vin Diesel and most of his movies, even though his acting range is shorter than Adam Sandler’s? If the answer is yes, you’ll love this God damn thing. If you can’t stand Diesel, quarantine yourself as far away from this film as you can.

Because if you look at it, Bloodshot is a superhero remake of A Man Apart. And if you know anything about Vin Diesel’s Hollywood Contract for every action film he does from now on, you know he can’t really ever lose in a fight. Well, he can lose at the beginning but if he overcomes everything in the end. And I don’t think he’s allowed to die anymore. So how am I supposed to fill tension anymore in a Vin Diesel movie when I know he won’t be hurt at the end? Take that one step further, add superhero indestructible powers…how the fuck am I supposed to relate to him or his character and find him likable. The answer? His talk of “family” is supposed to win your heart or you can’t and you just have to accept that the movie exists. Anyway, the film is based of a Valiant Comic of the same name, and I have no clue what the comic was about or what changes to it the movie made (which I’m sure was alot) so don’t ask. To borrow from Sony Pictures Entertainment’s website because I really don’t want to describe this myself: “After he and his wife are suddenly assassinated, Marine Ray Garrison (Diesel) is brought back to life by a team of scientists. Enhanced with nanotechnology, he becomes a superhuman, biotech killing machine. As Ray first trains with fellow super-soldiers, he struggles to recall anything from his previous years. But when his memories flood back and he remembers the man that killed both him and his wife, he breaks out of the facility hellbent on revenge, only to discover that there’s more between what he originally feels and to a conspiracy.”

The first and foremost problem with this movie is that almost everything is shown in the trailer. The trailer is a linear of events, and it shows basically everything except the very last brief scene. I understand that they need to show a bunch of action bits to peak people’s interest, but there was plenty that they could’ve shown and yet kept a bunch a surprise so that way there was more to unexpectingly look forward to in the movie. Even if they hadn’t revealed the whole plot, they could’ve at least held back all the deceiving plot line twists, even though without being told or shown it you could’ve spotted it all coming from ten billion miles away. Sometimes the CGI is really good, but most of the time it is quite shaky, especially, although every entertaining, two sequences in particular, a foot chase a little more than halfway through the film and then the final Doc Ock (you’ll see what I mean) elevator tall building jamboree brawl. Also, way too much shaky cam. Except for one excellent choreographed scene that involves flour, a lot of the color red, and a tunnel, this director (his first feature) clearly doesn’t know how to shoot action, as it is just a bunch of shaky cam the rest of the hour and 50 minutes to hid the fact that he doesn’t know where to focus the camera, and the need to pull back and not be so up close in shots. The editor probably got himself a giant non COVID-19 headache just trying to put the damn thing together.

And while Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel, I wouldn’t be recommending the film if it wasn’t for two great performances/characters and really the only two reasons why I recommend this film beyond it is “so bad it’s good” entertainment. And that would be the very sexy Eiza Gonzalez (the girlfriend of Jon Hamm in the movie Baby Driver) as LT, a bio engineered survivor that might or might not have a heart of gold, and Lamorne Morris (the black guy in New Girl) as Wilfred Wiggins, a genius coder. Gonzalez steals every scene she is in, and then shares the spotlight with Morris, who doesn’t even come into the picture until it is already about a little more than halfway over. They are fantastic in this, especially Morris, who shows he can do more than just be weirdo roommate Winston in Zooey Deschanel’s television show. Seeing Gonzalez in this, and then in baby driver, and then her bit role in Hobbs & Shaw, just makes me wish she was in more things. Guy Pierce is the main antagonist in this, and its Pierce almost basically playing the same bad guy he was in Iron Man 3. He was okay. And that sexy main redhead dude from Outlander is in this as well, but unfortunately, the screenplay doesn’t give him much to do other than grunt and growl out his very cliched dialogue. Oh yeah, all the dialogue in this is extra cringe worthy, except somehow Gonzalez and Morris manage to transcend the awfulness and make it tolerable with their performances.

Would I watch Bloodshot again? Oh yeah, I was entertained all right. Just compare it to Vin Diesel’s last “so bad it’s good” film, XXX: The Return of Zander Cage. Both movies are so shitty, but are so entertaining that even though you can nitpick them both until kingdom come, you end up forgiving its faults in the end because you don’t want to seem like some old grumpy prick. Looking at who wrote the film, I can see why I am being pulled into whether or not I wanted to give this film a recommendation. It was co written by Eric Heisserer, who has given us great films as Final Destination 5, Lights Out, and the masterpiece that is Arrival. But then also Jeff Wadlow wrote the film, who ruined the Kick Ass series with the very lackluster sequel, and also wrote one of the worst films this year already, Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island. You can definitely tell which parts were written by which screenplay writers on this. I just wish that I didn’t know that Vin Diesel wasn’t such a diva all the time on set, and maybe I wouldn’t bash his limited acting range so much. And like I said in the opening paragraph, I could’ve probably just liked the movie more because I knew it was my last go for awhile because of COVID-19 being a fucking asshole right now to this planet. You gotta take what you can get. What did I take from this? That I will watch whatever Eiza Gonzalez is in no matter how shitty the film. She’s actually a decent actress, and is so sexy to look at, I would have my eyes go bloodshot before I stopped looking at her.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BIG TIME ADOLESCENCE (Hulu)

Two reviews in one day after this COVID-19 pandemic? Fuck yeah son! I thought I’d maybe review something that you can watch in the safety of your own home this time! On my non paranoid lunch (that consisted of me eating alone in my cubicle), I checked out BIG TIME ADOLESCENCE on Hulu starring Pete Davidson (the stoner youngling on SNL) because they dropped it a week early to maybe boost people’s moods up, because it is a comedy. And it isn’t. Pete Davidson reminds a lot of people of Adam Sandler, but Sandler was definitely less druggy, depressed, and tattooed. However, when audiences didn’t start taking Adam Sandler seriously until maybe Punch Drunk Love, utilizing Sandler’s comedic talents in the best way possible, mixing it with some drama, Big Time Adolescence is Pete Davidson’s first leading feature film (he had a very bit part in a Netflix film a year or so ago), and to me, this is his Punch Drunk Love. Pete Davidson is basically his comedic yet depressing self in this, but he uses the script and material to his advantage to give those watching something more. What I’m trying to say is, don’t be surprised if he’s in something like Uncut Gems in much less time than it took Sandler to get to that level. Even though in the end, the movie is basic coming of age tale plot wise very predictable, the humor, the acting, and those few dramatic moments make it get a big recommendation from me. Come on, check it out, escape from the bullshit of today!

I can describe the plot this easily: imagine if they remade Big Daddy, mix in a little Superbad and Knocked Up, but that old Adam Sandler movie was more serious and less over the top, and it was a dude in his mid 20s hanging out and befriending a 16 year old kid instead of a (which the father type mentor with a much older best friend). And it involved selling drugs. That’s this movie. It’s safe to say that the clinch pin in making this all believable is the set up to how Davidson’s character hangs out with this 16 year old, played very convincingly by Griffin Gluck, who you may know from Netflix’s American Vandal or Locke & Key. Well it is. Gluck’s character thinks his sister’s boyfriend, Davidson, is cool, hangs out a lot with him and his sister, and Davidson just treats him like a normal human being, doesn’t talk down to him. Gluck’s sister eventually dumps Davidson, but Gluck doesn’t want to lose basically the only friendship that he has, and asks if he can still hang out with Davidson even though he’s not dating his sister anymore, and Davidson says sure. And everything is good until one of Gluck’s classmates asks if he can get alcohol for a party that he is having and Davidson gets not only that, but some “choice” weed to sell to the minors. Of course, Gluck doing that is a huge hit, and he is suddenly in wide demand, his eye on a girl classmate that is just as shy as he is, and him and Davidson hanging and bonding more than ever. It’s when harder drugs come into play where things start to go very wrong.

I found the movie to be a very enjoyable. nice and tight hour and 30 minutes, no filler. I laughed my ass off at parts and admired the acting, especially from Davidson, quite a bit. And while the story could’ve used a couple of more wrenches thrown into it, it is unique enough in its own way to make all the predictable plot points forgivable. This movie is pure escapism from the crap we are dealing with right now. Jon Cryer has a bit part playing Gluck’s father, and he does so well, it’ll make you put his endless role in Two and A Half men in the rear view mirror. Newtime writer/director Jason Orley does a pretty good job for a first time filmmaker, everything isn’t so nice and bright picture wise as it would be in a normal comedy like this, and instead add some grit that complements the rest of the glitz and glam well. It feels like this could’ve really happened, and I would love to do some research to see if he just wrote this based off personally experience, because I have a feeling, when you look up his picture on IMDB, that he might’ve been Gluck’s character when he was a kid. So to keep these surprise streaming reviews short, I’m going to end it here so you can check it out if interested and get out of these COVIDerwhatever blues and have a good laugh and a good time. We need it right now. I might’ve not like Pete Davidson’s recent Netflix stand up special much, but this certainly more than made up for it, and showing that, in the future, if he does more adult projects, just like a real adult, we’ll start to take him more seriously.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE HUNT

BOO!…for those of you somehow managing to read this (I think that my movie review page is still up and Adam). As you may have seen, I’ve deactivated all my social accounts because as Arthur Fleck would say (I can’t believe I’m fucking quoting Joker) “Is it me…or is it just getting crazier out there?” That and I am not in a very good place mentally with all these films being delayed, as Kristoff from Frozen would say, except I’m replacing the word ICE, “Film is my life!” But, I braved the overcautious storm (I’m taking COVID-19 seriously, but probably still not as serious as I should) and went and saw the already delayed from September of last year due to Trump tweeting and being a fucking moron as he’s always been, THE HUNT. The Hunt was delayed mainly because it turned into a controversial film back in September 2019 because of two mass shooting thathad just taken place at the time, and Trump had to tweet about the movie because it is political satire in nature, and that orange cocksucker just can’t seem to keep his dumb fucking mouth shut and hadn’t even seen it yet. The Hunt isn’t that controversial. It’s a fucking political satire that is completely neutral. It caters to both sides and makes jokes on both sides of the political coin. It even has a funny as fuck little twist that changes everything in the end. As for me, I had a lot of fun with the film especially whenever Betty Gilpin was on screen, her character and her demeanor, especially at this time in the world, kicked a whole bunch of ass and was completely “applaud in the theater” kind of worthy. And I hate politics, but I laughed at all the jokes. I know a lot of you probably will refuse to go to the theaters right about now, so this recommendation is for when it hits on demand in the next several months.

Anyway, to try not and spoil stuff as much as I can, I’ll just say that the plot is basically what you saw in trailers in the theater/online or on TV spots at home. A group of rich people, led by Hilary Swank, kidnap and hunt a group of poor people, Betty Gilpin (Netflix’s Glow), being the smartest of the bunch. Or is that what is really going on? The movie has a late game twist that changes what you think and saw, yet not really. It’s hard to explain without spoiling it, but I don’t even want to do a spoiler paragraph this review, I’m going to either A. make you wise up and go to the movies or B. make you watch it when you get home. Although, who am I kidding really, as the whole synopsis is probably already spoiled on Reddit or some other website. But if you have any interest, watch it fresh like I did. You’ll have more fun. Also, as you’ve seen in marketing, there are a shit ton of familiar faces in this. I can warn you though, please don’t get too attached to them, as more than half of them get killed in unique and violent ways before the 1st act is even completed. And the movie has a unique way of making you feel differently about them long after they are dead (has to do with the twist). You have B and C list celebs like Emma Roberts, Justin Hartley (that sexy brother on This Is Us), Glenn Howerton (Dennis on It’s Always Sunny, Ike Barinholtz, etc. I have a feeling some of their work on this was less than an hour. But I can imagine they had a load of fun subverting audiences expectations. In fact, if you watch this film and think about it, there are really maybe only a handful of set pieces. But that is Blumhouse productions for you. They know how to make films really really fucking cheap.

I laughed at the political satire (which was over the top as fuck but the movie managed to keep it believable), there were a couple of tense moments, I jumped in my seat when some celebrities head was blown off, and the final fight scene between Hilary Swank and Betty Gilpin was fucking fun as fuck to watch. It was co-written by Damon Lindelof, and while he still gets shit for the end of Lost, Prometheus and the Kahn bullshit in Star Trek Into Darkness, lately, with The Leftovers and Watchmen on HBO, he has redeemed himself a bit. It was nice seeing his tongue in cheek here without the missteps of his previous films. It was a good time at the movies, especially when Bloodshot tonight might be my final theatrical experience for awhile (don’t worry, will still review the dribble that gets released on Netflix, Hulu, Prime, and Disney + over the next couple of months). Writing this review has really helped me a little mentally. It’s been a pretty depressing and dark 24 hrs. But I’ve managed to put a few pieces of me back together, enough to write this review for you, which ya’ll won’t be going to the movies, so I guess my review is your entertainment? Hopefully…maybe? Just know that I appreciate you reading this if you are. My social media will still remain dark for quite some time, I don’t know when I’ll be “officially” back. If ever. But unofficially, with my reviews, I’m here. You, at the time of the post, can know I’m still alive, haven’t killed myself and maybe rest easy in not trying to hunt me down via text or phone call to make sure I’m okay. I’m…okay. Prepare for reviews all weekend. The show must go on.

P.S. By the way, if you put thoughts and prayers under the comment section on my Film Review Page or my wife’s page, or try to text me that shit, I will hunt you down and kill you myself. You know you do that just to fucking hear yourself talk and give yourselves a pat on the back for being “concerned.” Fuck you. Just be satisfied I posted something and read my review for The Hunt. Don’t be a cunt.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DISNEY/PIXAR’S ONWARD (no spoilers)

Wow, with Disney/Pixar’s ONWARD, I have not cried that hard in a movie theater since the beginning of Pixar’s Up. Not a bad cry, like the movie sucked, but a beautiful, fantastic, sinus relieving Niagra Falls of emotion. And I probably haven’t cried that hard at an ending since the end of Spielberg’s E.T. I was literally bawling like a baby needing its bottle, and I’m not afraid to admit it. This movie has the most emotional ending to a movie since, I mean I can’t even think right now my eyes are so tired from crying. And to think because of the low box office this weekend, and all you dumb motherfuckers afraid to crawl out of your panties and do anything because of the coronavirus, that will end up being all that ONWARD will be known for. Released on the wrong weekend, because of mass hysteria, known as one of Pixar’s failures alongside The Good Dinosaur. THIS IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BALLPARK MEDIOCRE QUALITY THAT THE GOOD DINOSAUR WAS! NOT EVEN CLOSE. This was a solid, SOLID, cool, mystical, fantasy road trip adventure from the good ol’ folks at the almost always reliable Pixar studio. It was way better than Toy Story 4, way better than Incredibles 2…probably its best since Inside Out. Just another reason why Pixar needs to stop with sequels, and give us good ol’ fashioned original content such as this. This was a real treat to watch, and is now my favorite film of 2020 so far.

When thinking upon it, this is technically not Pixar’s first “road trip” movie. You can technically, TECHNICALLY, count the two Finding Nemo/Dory films as those. However, you could say that this is the first…”road quest” movie that actually involves an actual road. I say quest, because the movie is set in a fantasy world where unicorns, elves, fairies, minotaurs, what have you, enrich this planet like we do ours, and while they used to do all the magic, spell conjuring, castle adventure type stuff of yore that we read in novels and play in Dungeon & Dragon role playing table games, they now live life, like we do, and all of them have forgotten the ways of the past. Instead of using their wings, fairies and others with wings have gotten lazy and use cars and motorcycles. Instead of creating light with wands, they invented electricity. I could go all day, but you get the gist, especially if you’ve seen any marketing for it either. The movie is about two elf brothers who set out on a quest to find a spell that will bring back their deceased father and to discover if there is still magic out there. That’s all I’m going to say plot wise. If you’ve seen the trailers or tv spots, you’ll know there is more to it, like half being legs traveling with the brothers, but the less you know, the better. The movie plays on all of the tropes you’ve read and seen in other movies and television shows with hilarious effect. There are cute jokes for kids, there are huge belly aching laughs for adults. It is a great family film, but if you are a kid reading this, just to warn you, you might see mommy or daddy cry.

All of the foreshadowing is there, but I didn’t end up guessing what was going to happen in this movie because, frankly, I didn’t want to. I was enjoying the movie too much and didn’t want to think hard and ruin it. So when in that mindset, I didn’t find it predictable, and a couple of twists had me going, “oh wow, didn’t see that coming but maybe I should have because of this and this at the beginning.” The animation? Perfect, as usual. At this point, commenting on how good Pixar animation is like going to Philadelphia and going to an off the wall cheese steak place and commenting on how good the cheese steak is. It’s the story and voice acting that goes a long way. Tom Holland does a great job as one of the brothers named Ian Lightfoot. He doesn’t sound like Peter Parker and manages to even sound different than his last and very recent voice work in Spies In Disguise. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is great as their Mom. Didn’t detect any Elaine Benis or Selena Myers in there at all. But the real standout is Chris Pratt as the older brother Barley. He really gets into the character, creating something unique that won’t remind you of Owen Grady or Peter Quill. All of the “road trip” pits stops of any road trip movie are here, but all the stops subvert your expectations, especially the final one, which finds a better way of going the full circle route than a recent road trip movie ten years ago tried to do. If I reveal the movie, you’ll guess the ending so I think I’ll stop there.

The guy that wrote and directed this Pixar movie wrote and directed Monsters University, a fine but mostly unnecessary prequel to one of Pixar’s other great originals. Needless to say this was a vast improvement over that one. Especially the ending. The ending to this is probably the most perfect ending to a Pixar film other than the first Incredibles, Ratatouille or Wall-E. My wife and I were needing more popcorn napkins to wipe up all the tears. Like I said, it’s a shame it didn’t make all that much this weekend. Who knows, maybe it could be…infectious, and end up having long legs at the box office once all this fear and paranoia over the coronavirus subsides over the next month. I hope so, but in the meantime, I’m not afraid to call this Disney/Pixar box office bomb one of my favorite films of 2020, even by the end of the year it is likely to stay in my top ten if not top twenty. Magical in in nature, magic literally comes out of the screen and into the audience. I also love how they incorporate the title into the movie, it was subtle yet cute, when in most movies if they bring up the title in dialogue it gets an eye roll from me. If you are reading this review, and really want to see this, yet are afraid to leave your house in fear of what you shouldn’t really be afraid of right now, go out to the theater and give this a shot. See it with your family, you’ll have a wonderful, emotionally satisfying time, I guarantee it. We can’t keep checking CNN to see how many people this dumb fucking virus has infected every ten minutes. We need to look to the future. We need to move onward.

P.S. Forgot to mention that there is a wonderful The Simpsons short before the movie with a story about Maggie which was absolutely delightful. It was basically announcing that The Simpsons is joining the Disney family since they bough out 20th Century Fox, and it also lets you know that The Simpsons humor we all know and love won’t be messed with and will be in tact. Simpson/Disney jokes galore where the Duff beer cans making an appearance as a wink wink to the audience that the buy out won’t fuck with out favorite dysfunctional cartoon family. Made me smile.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPENSER CONFIDENTIAL (Netflix)

I don’t really know what to say about this movie other than that when actor Mark Wahlberg and director Peter Berg were on a roll, they were on a roll. They had a fantastic little true story action trilogy together with Lone Survivor, Deepwater Horizon, and Patriot’s Day. All three filmed with precision, clarity, and accuracy. But now with Netflix’s new original film SPENSER CONFIDENTIAL and 2018’s Mile 22, they are officially in a major downward slump, and the only question is, are they going to make a third film together to cap off this mediocre trilogy or maybe they’ll start to get the hint and look for other projects with different people for a change? The real problem with this movie is that it’s misfire is with it’s execution of what tone it wants the film to have, combined with too many predictable cliched story elements for it to make sense why this script was even greenlit to be made. Is it a actioner? Eh, I would have to say it’s probably Peter Berg’s worst directed film (not worst movie, that goes to Very Bad Things, but at least that movie had a unique style to it that can’t be denied). He’s on autopilot here, with action so sparse, cheap and staged poorly that the movie turns into a horribly edited shaky cam of a Frankenstein monster which is even more jarring when compared to the other scenes where characters just talk and they use the usual steady, smooth cam dolly movements. This isn’t a giant Netflix misfire like the recent The Last Thing He Wanted, but it’s definitely not worth any of your valuable time.

This Spenser Confidential is apparently loosely based on Robert B. Parker’s Spenser novels, which itself was turned into a television series back in the 80s. This whole film feels cheap to the point where it maybe should’ve been turned into a limited series on HBO or Showtime. Maybe bring in some writers to make the whole story more complex. Here? Not so complex. I knew who was the secret bad guy right when I saw them, and I figured the whole thing had to do with drugs, money, and possibly a venture such as a Casino to launder that money into and make even more money. It was all so very simple to figure out, that I yawned almost every couple of minutes when all these developments revealed themselves. Mark Wahlberg plays a cop named Spenser who is sent to prison for five years for beating the shit out of his boss when he suspects his boss of being a dirty cop after trying to bury a murder investigation and also sees that he beats his wife. After five years he is out, and after a little time in sort of a halfway home time situation living with Alan Arkin and Winston Duke, he’s going to move to start his new life. Problem is, he still has that solving corruption itch he has to scratch, especially when his boss ends up brutally murdered and another cop (who apparently committed “suicide” after the crime) is to blame, one that Spenser remembered was legit and kind. Combined with having to deal with an obsessive ex-girlfriend that can’t make up her mind whether she wants him completely out of her life or just to keep fucking his brains out, he has to figure everything out before he moves, and hopefully leave with him and his friends life in the process.

And as I said earlier, the problem with the movie is with tone. The movie tries too hard to mix too many genres together. It wants to be a buddy comedy, but there isn’t enough of Winston Duke in the entire film to warrant that. It wants to be taken as a serious drama as some point with a really awkward scene of a woman finding her husband dead in a car with some one shot dolly pull back. It wants to be taken as an action movie, but there are few action scenes and they are shot shaky cam horribly. It was to be taken as a mystery/thriller, but has no mystery (because everything is predictable), and it has no thrills. I didn’t laugh once. And when an extended cameo from Post Malone is THE BEST ACTING THE MOVIE HAS TO OFFER…you can chalk it up to something being wrong. And don’t even get me started on actress Iliza Sclesinger, who literally gives the worst performance of the year so far, with a Boston accent so fucking over the top and fake you’ll be plugging your fingers in your eyes so you don’t have to fucking hear it anymore. And Mark Wahlberg, he’s coasting in this film like he does in most, the only performance where it seemed like he actually tried was Instant Family in 2018, and before that maybe not even The Departed in 2007. He’s has the range of Scwharzenegger and Stallone, always the muscle, never the award winner.

Yeah a Netflix blunder for sure. And if you are a constant reader of my reviews, don’t worry, I won’t go into the whole “Netflix has much more blunders than winners” schpeil all over again. You’ve probably all figured it out yourselves. This all felt like a really low rent made for television movie, where you wouldn’t find the likes of Mark Wahlberg ever touching this thing. It all screams a giant Netflix paycheck, with Whalberg being able to be directed by a friend again, who he knows can coast through this production with his eyes closed. What happened to trying? What happened to actually giving a shit? I mean do all these screenwriters have some sort of time crunch where this is the best that they can come up with or are they smoking weed until an hour before deadline? It sometimes just doesn’t make any fucking sense. I hardly saw this film marketed, but you would think they could’ve titled the film Spenser For Hire to get older fans of the novels and TV series amped up to watch this, but it was just dumped on Netflix this weekend, not a care in the world, and I see that a trailer had only debuted a month ago. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…wonder why? Doesn’t take a detective to figure it out…confidentially yet unconfidentially mediocre.