Another negative review, for that I am sorry,
But I am about to bash the new film LIFE OF THE PARTY.
It stars Melissa McCarthy as a mom going back to college,
Her daughter in tow, archaeology part of her knowledge,
To be blunt, the movie isn’t funny,
The son of a bitch stole my time and my money,
I know it was geared towards Mother’s Day weekend,
But with only Breaking In, the film lineup was quite thinned,
But I’m not giving Hollywood the benefit of the doubt,
They know better than this shit, need to take a different route.

What blindsides me even more is the writers and director,
It was McCarthy herself, bringing her husband as a connector,
But those two have proven their collaborative efforts are crap,
With Tammy and The Boss being before, Admiral Ackbar screaming “It’s a Trap!”
The film is entirely ad-libbed, scenes going on for far too long,
It’s like they only had a two page script, hoping they could do no wrong,
But the ad-libbing doesn’t work if the chemistry isn’t there,
All the characters one dimensional, very dull and very square,
The conversation and banter didn’t make a whole lot of sense,
Trying to use cliched confrontations to make funny situations tense.

Gillian Jacobs didn’t seem to want to be there, taking just her paycheck,
She probably read the script beforehand, knew it was a clear train wreck.
The only actress that had any energy was SNL’s Maya Rudolph,
But she was barely in it, only there to yell and chew heads off,
Melissa McCarthy does nothing new here, just the same old clueless character,
One though that isn’t rude or crude, hoping that the audience will register
It didn’t work for me, it could for you, if you brought your daughter or Mom,
But males in general won’t get anything out of this film, we know its a bomb,
I’m glad that McCarthy and Ben Falcone are keeping their marriage together,
But next time stay out of the movies, try S&M with a whip made of leather.

TULLY has an ending that completely ruins the film and what came before it. I am not going to ruin this ending for you people reading this that actually still want to see it. I won’t even hint at the ending, because if I mention even one movie it reminded me of that basically did the same thing, it would completely give it away. Let’s just say that a bunch of movies have had this ending, and two I can think of worked well for it, and the rest haven’t. I will put Tully easily in the rest that haven’t category. It undermines everything logical the movie was trying to say about motherhood and how extremely fucking difficult it is. Even with that ending, the film also was a little boring and pointless, other than Charlize Theron’s excellent performance (the only reason to mainly watch it, and Theron never phones that shit in). It’s just disappointing that another Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody collaboration didn’t work.

In fact, with director Jason Reitman’s career, in my eyes, he has really only made three great films: Thank You For Smoking, Juno, and Up In the Air, the latter two being masterpieces to me. Everything else that had come after, such as Labor Day, Men, Women, and Children, and Young Adult have been ho hum affairs at best. Tully might be his worst film for me, and it really does pain me to say that, and it is all because of that fucking stupid ass ending. However, I really blame one hit wonder Diablo Cody (she won an Oscar for Juno). For the first 3/4ths of the film, Diablo Cody has a completely relevant and important message about motherhood and what it does to families and the environment surrounding them. Just those last 15 minutes…fuck, it messes up that message to the extreme. I really want to tell you what this ending is….and again I won’t (just message me privately if you really want to know), but I will give you one more clue: pay really close attention to the film with characters and their interactions and you could probably figure it out, like I did, around half an hour in.

The movie is about Charlize Theron about to have and having a third child with her husband, played by Ron Livingston. Livingston’s character brings in the bacon and clearly loves his kids, but he is gone out of town because of work alot and when he gets into bed he plays video games until he passes out. Don’t worry, the movie doesn’t spring up that he’s been cheating on Theron the entire time, he is just utterly clueless about her pains in trying to be a great mother, he is actually a sympathetic character and father. Anyway, Charlize Theron gets overwhelmed, so on the advice of her brother she hires a “night nanny.” This night nanny, played well by MacKenzie Davis, basically takes care of the baby at night and watches her while mommy and daddy can get sleep or do other things that they need to do. Theron and Davis end up sharing a bond that teaches both of them things about life they never would’ve learned other wise.

Based on some context clues in that paragraph, you could possibly figure out this ending. And when I say this ending undermines every message, piece of dialogue, and every plot point that came before, I do have specific examples. But if I gave up those examples, I’d have to give up the ending. And I won’t. Just believe me when I say it is one of those “what was the point of everything really before then?” kind of movie moments. Charlize Theron does give one hell of a commanding performance though, and if you want to watch it, she’ll keep you awake. I’ve always loved Charlize Theron as an actress, I think she is incredible in everything that she does. And she’s incredible here, I just wish it was a different movie.

Jason Reitman’s direction is fine, because he always gets great performances out of his lead actors, but like I said, he has made much much much better films. So I’m only giving him 20% of the blame, and that 20% of the blame is that he didn’t ask Diablo Cody to come up with something different at the end to make it a tighter, better, and non eye rolling feature. She and her screenplay make up the other 80% of the blame. Reitman needs to go back to writing and directing his own screenplays,  and maybe he can get back to Up In The Air quality again. Diablo Cody…it’s time to stick a fork in her, I believe I don’t want to see anything she has written again.

BAD SAMARITAN is a movie you probably aren’t likely to see (or hell, maybe haven’t even heard of), but as one of the only 3 new releases this week, and between this, Tully, and Overboard (did not see that and am not going to), this is definitely the one to see. It’s a nice little “how far would you go to prevent something” type of cat and mouse with a dash of techno thriller with really, really great performances by Doctor Who’s David Tennant and Robert Sheehan, you most of you ladies probably know as Simon from the Mortal Instruments movie.  The movie starts out extremely strong yet ends a little weak, and it is about 20 minutes too long, but you could get much worse entertainment, like an unnecessary remake to a Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell movie that should never have been greenlit which I will NEVER EVER see. It’s a half way solid thriller that is extremely entertaining.

The movie is about two guys that use their car valet business for restaurants as a way to steal from the people that go into these restaurants to have a long expensive dinner. They find the addresses to these people in these expensive cards, and if their homes are close enough, bust in, and rob some things from the place. And they usually will only rob rich assholes, not families or people that don’t really deserve it. And they only rob a little, and usually things that the people really wouldn’t notice were gone or thought they had just misplaced. This is where David Tennant’s Cale comes in, playing a really rich asshole with a really bad attitude, leaves his expensive car, so Robert Sheehan’s Sean Falco goes to the house, only to discover there is a woman beaten and chained up in Cale’s house. He has a dilemma, save this woman and risk having his green card taken away for his crimes, or leave her to die. Let the cat and mouse game begin.

What I really liked about the film was Robert Sheehan’s character Sean Falco. Yes, he does try and alert the police by an anonymous phone call to try and save the woman, but right as he realizes that it won’t work and he can’t save her himself, he goes straight to the police and the FBI, trying to find someone to believe him, not caring about his consequences. I loved that, and his solid acting sold his very redeeming character. David Tennant I have always thought was good, from the episodes of Doctor Who I have seen to playing Peter Vincent in the remake of Fright Night back in 2011. He plays that psychopath Cale to perfection here, a really sinister psychotic person that seems to be one step ahead of Sean in every single way.

I liked the both characters made actual smart choices throughout the film, usually choices that are made completely missed opportunities by screenplay writers in other films. I also liked the police and FBI’s role in the movie as well. Usually, they are hardly in the picture for these kinds of things, but they actually listen to Shawn and follow up on his claims and are in the film quite a bit. Hell, the FBI a even talks about having to get a warrant at some point during the film to enter private property and would not go in until that warrant was signed by a judge. You NEVER see that in a movie like this, with the FBI or police just coming in guns-a-blazing. It was a really nice change of pace.

The movie does have its flaws. While the first hour is damn near perfect, the second hour kind teeters in and out of brilliance. I didn’t like the relationship or predictability of Sean Falco and his girlfriends character Riley. Eventually Cale uses Riley to get to Sean, but he also uses Sean’s family. The character of Riley could’ve been cut out completely and Cale could’ve just tormented Sean’s family and that alone could’ve worked and ten minutes could’ve been cut right there, making the film tighter. Also, the end is kind of anti-climatic. The bad guys talks too long, does a monologue where characters could take that time and get the one up on him. Doing that monologue was out of character for Cale, considering how many smart moves the character made before the finale.  Some of that could’ve been trimmed as well and it would’ve made a much, much better picture.

Also, how did Dean Devlindirect this film after giving us the piece of dog crap that was Geostorm and having his hand in the Independence Day 2 screenplay? Was he filming this and Geo back to back and had his heart more into this? I think so. This was expertly directed while Geostorm seemed like he just didn’t give a fuck. This film makes me forgive him (directing wise) for that…well almost, we’ll see his next feature and then I will completely decide. He didn’t write this so I haven’t forgiven him for the screenplays for ID4-2 or Geostorm yet.

But I will take what I can get and really still recommend this. With all the shitty thrillers out there we get year after year and where this one holds my attention for about 75% of the time, you just have to give it a chance. Especially the brilliant first hour. And even though the finale is flawed and one story line could’ve been completely cut out, the acting and what came before it nearly makes up for everything else. And at least it didn’t have the clusterfuck ending Tully has…(I saw Bad Samaritan the day after).

Look, this review is only going to be two to three (with a conclusion) paragraphs. Because this is the ultimate “if you tell me any spoilers before I see this thing I’ll fucking kill you” kind of movie. If anyone intentionally tries to ruin AVENGERS INFINITY WAR for you, they should be, and I’m not going to put this lightly, shot and killed. So let’s be quick about this right now. Avengers Infinity War beats Civil War as my favorite Marvel Cinematic Universe movie and it is yes, of course, my favorite film of 2018 so far.

The pacing in the movie is near perfection. The balancing of all the characters (excluding a couple they must be saving for next years Avengers 4) we have seen for the past ten years, is damn near perfect. The acting from all the actors playing Earth’s Mightiest Heroes hasn’t skipped a beat either. Amazing. There are surprise cameos and yes…they are delicious. The action. Oh dear God the action. If you think the airport scene in Civil War is the best action set piece we’ve ever gotten from an MCU film, prepared to have your mind changed. It is really hard to believe the Russo brothers, the directors of this film, got their start by directing episodes of Community. Yes, THAT Community, from the co-creator of Rick and Morty.

Thanos is tied with Erik Killmonger as best MCU villain for me, and maybe everyone at Marvel Studios has finally gotten their shit together and have solved the villain problem (we’ll see in future movies, but two in a row ain’t fucking bad). Josh Brolin brings humanity to a mo-cap CGI character I never thought would be possible. I actually felt like he was a threat. Thanos makes DC’s Steppenwolf his bitch a million times over. And the ending to Infinity War….And uh…yeah well that’s about all I can say huh? If I had any ‘meh’ moments they would only be a couple of the relationships, like Thanos and Gamora or Vision and Scarlet Witch needed to be fleshed out a tiny bit more or that even while I found cameo kind of funny with its initial joke, the acting was a little iffy, but I can’t go too much into it for fear of spoilers.

So that’s it! Of course I recommend this film, how could I not? Go see it! I’m sure you already have your tickets and will help it break box office records! It deserves to! Avengers Infinity War was definitely worth the ten year wait. It makes Justice League look like the single most piece of shit team up film ever made. After this, the DCEU just needs to…go away quietly into that sweet, sweet Marvel night.

Happy Avengers Day Everyone! I am going to make 10 very precise predictions on what happens in Avengers Infinity War. Please note: I HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE YET! And I haven’t read any spoilers, I’ve only seen the trailers, tv spots, and the good Rotten Tomatoes score number online. That is it! So while I could be wrong on my predictions, I could be right, and I guess my predictions could turn into spoilers. So be warned. I have not seen the movie, and I’m gathering context clues from what I’ve seen and the upcoming Marvel MCU Movie Slate. I will tally up my score after this weekend and after I’ve seen the movie.

#1: Loki is going to die. This is easy considering the ending of Ragnarok, Tom Hiddleston saying that Infinity War was his last contractually obligated movie, and the fact you only see him once in the trailer and in none of the promotional materials. Sorry ladies, Tom Hiddleston may be a hot catch, but you will no longer see him in a Marvel film unless the 2nd movie undoes some of what you see in this one. But I think this death will ultimately stick.

#2. The film will defy expectations and neither Tony Stark, Thor, or Captain America is going to die. We have an Avengers movie coming out next year, this is rumored to be a two parter even though the Russo brothers say that this is a self contained movie, and I don’t think Marvel would let their contract run out on the three of them before being in one last Avengers film. If they die, it won’t be until 2019. Now the next movie is rumored to involve some kind of inter dimensional/time travel/event undoing sort of plot line, so I could be wrong and one of them dies, but my guess is that all three won’t.

#3. Vision probably dies. Sorry, but we’ve seen him yell in the trailers and tv spots while some kind of septor is touching the Infinity Stone on his head, and we can probably guess that at some point Thanos gets all the Infinity Stones, because Avengers 4 couldn’t have an epic conclusion without him at least partially succeeding. 4 could also undo this death based on the inter dimensional/time travel/even undoing, but with Loki, I feel like this death will ultimately stick.

#4. Thanos lives to see Avengers 4. Why have the ultimate villain you’ve been building up ten years for and have him parish in just one movie? No, Thanos will live to see Avengers 4. Easily.

#5. This prediction revolves around the Reality Stone, so my thing on this could be a stretch. If you don’t know, the Reality Stone grants the user their wishes, even if it isn’t backed by scientific law. I believe Thanos will get his hands on this stone and wish Earth Mightiest Heroes he doesn’t think are dead, out of existence. I think he will succeed in this and heroes will end up dying or disappearing. HOWEVER, I think this will just be to emotionally gut punch the audience. In the 4th movie, I bet the wishes are reversed if Thanos loses the stone, which he probably will eventually, but not this movie. So expect to see some heroes die or disappear, yes, even Black Panther, but don’t expect it to last because of the Reality Stone’s laws and the fact there is a 4th Avengers next year.

#6. I think the post credits scenes has to do with Captain Marvel in some way. Here’s why: there are two movies between Avengers Infinity War and Avengers 4. And that is Ant Man and The Wasp and Captain Marvel. Ant Man and The Wasp is confirmed to be between Civil War and Infinity War, so I don’t think having Paul Rudd showing up in an after credits sequence would be that exciting. And Captain Marvel is confirmed to be a prequel to all the MCU movies except the first Captain America. And Brie Larson is rumored to show up in Avengers 4. So I bet the post credit scene involves her, maybe her seeing what is happening via news or someone calling her, and she’ll come to the rescue in Avengers 4.

#7. We won’t see Ant-Man or Hawkeye in this. The Russo brothers say that Hawkeye has an important part to play, but I don’t think it will be until Avengers 4. Paul Rudd and Jeremy Renner haven’t been in any promotional material for Infinity War (they have been with Entertainment WeekIy but EW was treating the 10 years as if Avengers 4 is part of the story) Also, like I said above Ant-Man and the Wasp takes place before Infinity War, so Ant-Man and the Wasp won’t show up in a Avengers movie until Avengers 4. Maybe Hawkeye has a cameo in Ant-Man and the Wasp? Who knows? But don’t expect Jeremy Renner or Paul Rudd to be in this.

#8. Either Gamora or Nebula dies. More Nebula maybe. Probably because she takes on her father alone and her own rage and not being able to focus because of it will get her killed trying to kill her father. I am guessing Gamora based on the fact that we don’t see her in the trailers and tv spots much, and that she isn’t with Chris Pratt in the stuff we have seen. However if Gamora is killed, her death might be reversed come Avengers 4. I don’t see a Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 without her being in it. So Gamora for shock value if it happens and she’ll be back in 4, but if Nebula dies here, it will stick.

#9: I will like the movie a lot but it probably won’t be my favorite MCU film and it probably won’t be my favorite film of the year.

#10: Prediction #9 leads into #10: I am hoping that Thanos has some more of a arc than just wanting to destroy and rule the galaxy, but I’m betting that isn’t the case. That is going to be his only goal, and that will end up me being disappointed just a tad. The action, acting, and spectacle will make up for it. But if Thanos has a grander, huge plan, than it might be the greatest Marvel movie yet, but I seriously doubt it.

 

And that’s it folks. You can tally up my score after I see the movie!

Let’s get this straight on you would be filmmakers/movie lovers out there: It doesn’t matter if you have one of the greatest upbeat messages in the world combined with two really good actresses at the forefront of your project, if you screenplay sucks, your movie is going to suck. That is the case with I FEEL PRETTY, where the first half of the film is light, enjoyable, and chuckle worthy, but the last half is absolutely stupid and horrendous, falling into many pitfalls that so many movies have done before it. Thus, it makes the movie unbearable to ever watch again. And the movie does have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful message. Not to just women, to anyone with self image or self esteem issues or victims up body shaming or a combination of them all. But a message doesn’t make a movie. I’m sorry, it doesn’t.

I just can’t believe the filmmakers had this wonderful premise (even though you could completely argue that it is basically a remake of BIG, with a self image twist; I did like that the movie basically recognized that fact and made fun of it at a chuckle worthy scene) and completely fucked it up. A girl (played wonderfully and with such vivacity by Amy Schumer) with body/self esteem/what have you issues, hits her head and she think she’s sees herself as this gorgeous woman (even though everyone else sees her the same as she was) and her confidence is so heightened to the point of she gets everything that she has been dreaming/wishing for. You can make a great, great movie out of that, even though the “what if?” premise is kind of familiar.

And I was slowly getting into the movie being a passable one time watch, cute little what if chick flick. But then the second act comes along, and just butt fucks everything to death. Does any of this sound familiar? Her confidence eventually causes conflict between her and her old friends. She gets a dorky guy near the beginning of the film but is tempted by the hot brother of the magazine owner she works for, leading to a very predictable and unnecessary love triangle. She finds a way to hit her head again only when the plot needs it and loses her vision of herself as beautiful and loses her confidence. But then she realizes she had the confidence inside her self all along, yada yada yada, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

All of that is screenwriting 101. If you want to make original films and not have every audience member and every critic out there shit all over your films, you cannot go by that book anymore. You could get away with it up until the millennium. Now if you do it, it is unforgivable and looked on as lazy and incompetent. There HAS to have been a way to come to the same conclusion without writing cliche after cliche after cliche of shit we have seen time and time and time again. People come up with interesting twists on genres all the time, why couldn’t they have here? It is as if the screenwriters had this idea, and then decided to watch Big, and then just ripped off every conflict and story beat it had. IT IS THE EXACT SAME MOVIE BUT WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PREMISE!

The message I still like though. And also, Amy Schumer and Michelle Williams almost make the movie worth watching. This is a step up from Schumer’s last movie Snatched, but now I’m starting to think that after Trainwreck, she might be a one hit wonder. My suggestions for her is to go back to writing screenplays herself and then starring in them. Trainwreck was wonderful, why hasn’t she kept the writing up? I can forgive her because she didn’t write this or the trainwreck that was Snatched, shouldn’t this be the hint that she needs to go back to her computer and crank out a new, original comedy? Michelle Williams is the best part of this film, and if you want to watch it, it would only be for her weird, awkward, hilarious performance. I think she just wanted to take a break from all the bleak and somber drama films she’s been doing lately and just let loose and have fun. It shows here how much fun she had and how much of an incredible actress she still is. I can’t believe she was on Dawson’s Creek.

And way I feel that I will never ever watch I Feel Pretty ever again. If I do see it, it will be in clips on You Tube of Michelle Williams zany performance. I went into this movie because my wife wanted to see it and I think the model turned actress Emily Ratajowski is pretty hot (warning, even though she is third or fourth billed she is in only like three small scenes). I had low expectations, and this film didn’t even near reach them. And I’m really disappointed because, like I’m going to say for the 100th time, it really does have a great message at it’s core. With movies, we expect them to be like Tootsie Pops, you lick until you get to the treat at the center.  But, like here, if that Tootsie Pop was made of shit and you had to lick, lick, and lick to get to the golden wonderful center…would you even bother taking off the wrapper?

 

 

“Chappa-what?” is what you are saying. Well, this film is about to leave theatres (in all but Cinemark West Plano tomorrow) to move over for Avengers Infinity War, so this review won’t be long. CHAPPAQUIDDICK is about the incident that occured in 1969 on Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts where Senator Ted Kennedy drove his car negligently off a one lane bridge, it fell into the tidal channel upside down, he escaped, but the single lady 28 year old passenger did not survive. Kennedy failed to report the accident for a full 12 hours, right before authorities found the young lady’s body inside the vehicle. The way they found her body, there were two conflicting reports, one say she died of suffocation inside the air bubble she had in the car, saying she didn’t die inside the vehicle for several hours after landing in the tidal channel and could have been saved if Kennedy had just reported it. Another claim she died of drowning.

He was a married man, and no one exactly knew what Kennedy and her were driving around doing. It turned into a national known scandal because of the circumstances. Was it really a accident? Why didn’t he report it sooner? Were they having an affair and he drove off to intentionally kill her? The timeline of his actions following the accident are hazy at best. Some believe it was the reason why Ted Kennedy never became President. There are still a bunch of questions about the incident and no one really knows what happens except Ted Kennedy, the girl, and God, and Ted Kennedy took whatever happened to his grave.

Well anyway, there is a movie about it now. The film doesn’t really answer any of the questions. It simply has the very underrated and fantastic Jason Clarke reenact most of what happened according to his written and oral statements, and then gives a scene or two of possible conjecture and what ifs. I wish they would’ve made the movie twenty minutes longer and really put the conjectures and what ifs to the test. The movie basically does show us how powerful the Kennedy name was by showing us how this incident was basically covered up to no end by Kennedy and his father’s group of very power politicians and men, so much so that all he did was plead guilty for leaving the scene of an accident and got two months jail sentence that was ultimately suspended. While Kennedy didn’t end up being President, he still had a very lengthy and successful career as a Senator, and some of you may very well know.

The movie is actually quite good, and it’s mainly because of the acting. Jason Clarke, who you may know as the protagonist in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes or many other low key roles, is excellent here as Ted Kennedy. I didn’t know Ted Kennedy much as a human being, but Jason Clarke completely rips away his own acting persona and becomes and actual conflicting character, one you don’t know whether to sympathize with or truly loathe. Kate Mara plays Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman that dies in the accident. She isn’t in the movie much but Mara plays her well. The two stand outs here are Ed Helms as Joe Gargan and Jim Gaffigan as Paul F. Markham, close friends and advisers to Ted. To see their dramatic acting side when known for mostly comedy is so jarring that your jaw just drops to see how good they are here.

But yeah, there isn’t much more to say. The movie is interesting because of the story and cover up. It is at least a very decent one time watch, just to see the length of the cover up of the whole incident was. This sort of thing nowadays, no way would Kennedy just skirt by with his actions. Today, he would be on trial for months, telecast to the world. The movie is a great indicator on how times have changed and that you can’t really get away with stuff like that anymore. The film is also an interesting character study on how our actions can change and affect almost anything. However, you could just read about this incident on Wikipedia and skip the movie. But with the descriptions on Wikipedia, the film did an accurate job of what was accounted for. So, you avid movie goer, the choice is yours.

I’m just going to break the ice, I think SUPER TROOPERS 2 is better than the original movie. I really do like the original movie (albeit I think it is still maybe a tad overrated), and I still think Beerfest is the best Broken Lizard film. I could go into a bunch of shenanigans about how comedy sequels rarely work, list the handful that do, and explain why they work, but I’ve done that kind of review before and am not going to do it again (I might touch up on it if Deadpool 2 turns out to be amazing). Here, I’m just going to tell you WHY I thought this one was better than the first, hopefully with valid reasons to you, the reader, and without divulging any of the really funny jokes. And I did this all without smoking any weed of any kind (I never have in my life, never have even tried a cigarette). So here we go with my first WTF comment:

If you rewatch the original Super Troopers, it is safe to say (and my friend Daniel pointed out to me right before seeing it) that the only the first 20 minutes of the movie are really funny and memorable, with small dashes of the minor skits of “meow” and the whole Farva/Burger incident along with it. While I still do really like the movie, it is more of a miss than hit affair. Time has been kind to the first film, as when I first saw it, I laughed at the first 20 minutes and was wondering why I wasn’t the last hour and ten minutes not so much. But just like Anchorman, Zoolander, and Cable Guy, multiple viewings is a must to bring a cult classic palette to your movie watching tongue.

With Super Troopers 2, I was consistently laughing throughout the entire thing. Don’t get me wrong, there are still some misses in this film and no, the beginning of 2 doesn’t even near kick the snosberries out from under the original, but the rest of the film does. While it doesn’t repeat any of the jokes from the original, a la the Austin Power movies, the crazy hijinks that they all get into were more hit than miss in this one (although there are one or two nods to the original jokes, but no outright re doing). There is this hilarious bit in where two of our lovable highway patrol men are dressed up as the Canadian border/highway troopers and use French accents to make ordinary words sound like dirty ones that had the whole audience on the floor.

The plot? It is just a means to an end. It’s kind of like the first one, drug related again, but the who-dun-it is sort of different. Basically, the guys are now doing different jobs like construction and what not because they were fired from their regular policing gig they got at the end of the first film because of a “Fred Savage incident” (stay a little bit into the credits to see what hilarity happened with the kid from The Wonder Years and Princess Bride). However, due to some weird ancestral border markers being moved or something like that, a little part of Canada is being moved into United States territory, so for some reason the mayor rehires them to replace the Canadian troopers and transition everyone and everything into the new United States territory. Sounds weird and messed up right? But it is actually hilarious. A bonkers off the wall plot just to merit there being an actual sequel to the first movie, where you get new funnier skits and a bunch of good Canada jokes galore. Eventually the guys find a bunch of different types of drugs stashed somewhere (what each drug does is hilariously brilliant) and they have to find out what is going on.

Anyway, giving even hints to the jokes, for which I am doing, feels wrong, so I won’t give out any more clues. Let’s just summarize by saying you get a bunch of funny celebrity cameos this time around, all the boys in the troop get fair and even screen time with a scene or two or three to shine. Farva, instead of being just annoying in this, is actually annoying and fucking hilarious, having some of the best liners from the two movies combined. Brian Cox seemed to really be in the game this time as, even though he is still the AND name on the poster, he has MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH more screen time in this than he did the original. The movie is silly. Just like the first one, but with better jokes and gags. Don’t go in expecting the greatest comedy plot of all time, just go with a friend and have a silly good time. Just to note, I had really really low expectations for this. I hope my review doesn’t lift your spirits up because coming out of the film you might think I’m insane. But for meow, I really did enjoy myself, and if you liked the first film, you’ll smile coming out of this one too I believe.

 

You get exactly what the marketing for RAMPAGE promises you. A glorified hour and 40 minute film where the main citywide ultimate destruction happens within the last 30 to 35 minutes of the movie. And that last 35 minutes is filled with really great CGI, cool destruction scenes, and Dwayne Johnson being this decades Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold would have starred in this if this was made in the 90s. Easily. So what about the other hour of the film. Other than the cool little 5 minute prologue starring Marley Shelton with the best acting she’s ever done since The Sandlot, you get eye rolling set up with stupid bad guy characters, stupid plot devices, laughable dialogue, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan literally walking from The Walking Dead set to film this, not breaking character, but a good guy instead of a murderous psychopath.

Other than the last half hour, the movie is really a ho hum affair. As far as video game movies go (this is very loosely based, basically they took the three monsters and the antennae you are supposed to destroy in the game and tried their best to design an actual plot around it), this would probably be under Tomb Raider and Mortal Kombat. But in the end, is that really saying much? This film was made to buy when it is on sale, and only watch if you have a giant screen and a great giant sound system, and then fast forward the movie and only stop and watch thru the destruction scenes.

And the movie really wouldn’t work at all if it weren’t for Dwayne Johnson and the actual bromance that works between him and George, the Albino Ape that goes ape-shit in the movie. Admit it, The Rock has great charisma (his best movie is easily The Rundown). That’s why half of his movies even work. And he’s not a bad actor. He’s certainly better than Schwarzenegger at his prime.  And Dwayne Johnson definitely hasn’t phoned in a performance yet (he will someday on a film he’s pushed into and doesn’t want to be in). The rest of the acting though in this film is laughable or bad. Bad in the sense that Malin Ackerman and Jake Lacy make the worst bad guys owning a multi million dollar company since….well, actually maybe ever. They are both terrible in this. Naomi Harris is okay but she looks like she’s just filling time before she’s called back on Bond 25.

And now let’s talk a tiny bit about Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He’s is Nice Negan in this. He literally walked over from the set of AMC, and just didn’t break character. Maybe that was the point and why he was hired? Instead of Negan in a black leather jacket, he’s wearing a suit, and instead of a bad, it’s a gun. But the Cowboy drawl is there, and even some of the dialogue seems like it was lifted from cut scenes from a Walking Dead script. He isn’t bad per say, but it was a little distracting and laughable. I did like how his character was actually smart and not some dumb government asshole, I just wish that it wasn’t a Negan-like performance, and it might’ve even been better than Johnson in the movie.

Again, let’s face it, the movie is ho-hum and almost laughably not watchable except for the first 5 minutes, and the last thirty. The destruction is awesome and the special effects are really good. The action cliches are watchable, and it brings me back to watching the best destruction parts in the first Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, San Andreas and even the stupidest shittiest parts of 2012. It’s not the cheesiest of cheese you can get, but it is a whole lot of cheddar. You just have to decide if you are lactose intolerant or not.