A SIMPLE FAVOR is a pretty good movie that could’ve been fantastic if it didn’t stumble in its landing the last five minutes of the film. But it could’ve fell flat on its face, so I’ll be that glass half full film reviewer today. It’s Paul Feig’s third best film, right behind Bridesmaids and Spy, and definitely makes up for the bullshit that was the Ghostbusters remake/reboot a couple of years ago. Almost the whole time during the movie I was like, “Holy shit, Feig has actually stepped up his game as a director” and was really really really into it, but those last five minutes, his Ghostbusters attempt at physical and dreadful one liner humor peaks out with a very unnecessary pre credits summary of what the characters (that survived) are doing currently. But I’m willing to forgive it, because what came before had a almost pitch perfect tone and the dark humor was devilishly, deliciously funny. Oh, and Blake Lively finally showed that she can actually muster up some kind of performance if need be.

See, I like Blake Lively as a human being (I think her relationship ((so far)) with Ryan Reynolds is perfect and they are a truly happily married Hollywood couple), but I can’t stand her as an actress. The closest she has ever become to actually doing something of note was her small bit in The Town, which even then I didn’t believe her so much a drug addicted stripper/prostitute/whatever the fuck her character was supposed to be in that. But here, she sinks into an abnormally prideful spoiled rich housewife that befriends a quirky widowed Anna Kendrick so that their sons can have play dates. To not spoil the rest of the movie, I’ll just say that Blake Lively goes missing and Anna Kendrick tries to find out what happened to her new found friend, while trying to make sure Lively’s son and husband are okay in the process. Anybody that ruins this movie for you is a monster. It has revelation upon revelation until the end credits roll. There are double crosses, triple crosses, and I think maybe even a quadruple cross? The movie keeps you guessing, which I appreciated. I could compare this movie to another movie and that movies book that it is based on, but if I reveal the title, I reveal all. I don’t think it rips off that book/movie per say, especially with the multiple different revelations, but some of the plotting is very, VERY similar. You’ll know exactly which book/movie I’m talking about when you see it, but if you don’t, just message me and I’ll give you a “ah-ha!” kind of moment.

What makes the movie really work first and foremost is Blake Lively and Anna Kendrick. Oh, and I can’t get away with not mentioning Henry Golding either(he plays Lively’s husband in this and he was just one of the leads in a breakout film, you might’ve heard of it: Crazy Rich Asians). But this is Kendrick and Lively’s show, and their chemistry is palpable, they just play off each other like a perfect acting pair that every director and screenwriter probably dreams of. This is Anna Kendrick’s best work since Up In The Air and Pitch Perfect. Kendrick, while fantastic, her role is a little familiar to people that like her and watch all of her filmography. She’s still that overly quirky and awkward character that you can’t help but adore, however this film really uses that aspect of her to its advantage, and turns it into something a little different and definitely more delightful. Blake Lively is in command here, where whenever she’s on screen you can’t help by being fascinated with what comes out of her mouth and what she is going to do or say next. All three of them turn what are already well rounded written characters into something you can’t take your eyes or ears off of.

And the tone is brilliant too for the most part. The first half of this film is near perfect. It’s a dark comedy that walks that fine line but is smart enough know to not cross over too much on either side. The film has bright, vibrant cinematography and that feel any director or screenwriter wants of a eerie suburbia is gloriously executed here, and never tries to be what it isn’t. Many films have gotten it wrong in the past, most recently the awfully executed Surburbicon from George Clooney. Now in the last five minutes, that fine line the film was walking must’ve tripped on a shoe lace that had impeccable timing to be untied right when the film was about to end. It stumbled into a straight comedy with none of that pinch of darkness that we got throughout the other 1 and 50 minutes. But I don’t know, I may need to do some research, because if the book ends exactly like that, with a physical moment and a stupid lame one liner that is played for forced laughs, then I won’t blame Feig. But it just felt like 2016 Ghostbusters Feig, and if true, he should’ve known better than to try and lighten the tone at near the very last moment of the film. And like I said, those title cards of what the characters were doing after the events that took fold before the end credits hit was unnecessary and should’ve been cut or re written as something else. And while I did like some of the revelations, there is one that I wish it would’ve stuck to, it would’ve been ingenious to end on that note and made for a savory little treat that you could talk with people at the water cooler, but the movie took it further, and I’m willing to be the book did too, so I can’t nit pick too much.

But yes, I did enjoy Paul Feig’s new movie, until the movie started playing I was mainly shrugging it off because of that disaster of a Ghostbusters reboot. But Feig shows here he might have some untapped talent in that weird noggin of his, maybe someday it will bring us something that can be considered a masterpiece. This is a very good film with a couple of problems that keep it from achieving that benchmark.

THE PREDATOR is exactly what I wanted earlier this summer’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom to be: A big, dumb, fun, fast-paced action movie that didn’t put me to sleep. And by dumb, I don’t mean insulting to my intelligence like doing yet another fucking hybrid dinosaur. And by fun and not putting me to sleep, I don’t mean selling dinosaurs and trying to turn a monster franchise into a haunted house movie. Those of you going in there expecting the grittiness or seriousness of the first one, you are going to be disappointed. Tone wise it is somewhere around Predators, but maybe a little more lighthearted and with a pinch of that Shane Black dialogue and humor we know so well. This was definitely more fun than Predators, and it didn’t try to rip off the first movie like Predator 2 basically did. Let’s not even talk about the abysmal pile of shit that are the AVP movies.

And it could be that I just had a weird and exhausting day beforehand and needed an escape out of reality. And it could be that I read a lot of critics abysmal reviews (nothing spoilery) and I was expecting a train wreck of epic proportions. But I had a lot of fun to be honest and was very entertained for the tight 1 hr and 40 minute film. And I see what Shane Black was trying to do. He was trying to create an original story that would expand the Predator mythos a little bit, while also not trying to create just a fan service film with too many references to the past films (there are a couple but it isn’t Force Awakens ridiculous). He and fellow co-screenwriter Fred Dekker also tried to actually create characters with personalities in this as well. The two standouts are definitely Treante Rhodes and Sterling K. Brown. I also liked Boyd Holbrook, Jacob Tremblay, Thomas Jane, and Keegan-Michael Key. I actually cared when some of them are eventually offed.

The story develops as you go, but it starts out with the same title font letters and same music as the original, a crash, a soldier getting some alien tech and sending it to a PO Box to keep out of government hands, which somehow his son gets a hold of, with that predator, and another, bigger predator want back, because they both have alternate agendas. That’s as vague as I’m going to get. The film has a MacGuffin, and has an interesting idea of where the sequels can go, but the last three minutes of the film, including the shaky CGI, I’m not so sure it could work but who knows. Anyway, the story cares about the characters while also trying to move the action and story along.

Now the film does have its problems. And some of the problems are bigger than others. Olivia Munn has to be the most unbelievable scientist since Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough, and when she is firing weapons and spouting off Shane Black dialogue, she is definitely out of her league. The Preddogs, yes you read that right, are in theory a good idea, but in execution are a complete CGI mess. So is the giant ultimate Predator you have seen in the movie. There is a lot of good CGI work as well though, and the good stuff does outweigh the bad.

The semi-finale in the woods has a couple of problems. The editing is extremely chopping and some characters that I thought had died, hadn’t, and I was trying to keep up who was where and what they were doing. Needless to say the first half of the film is infinitely better than the second. And that scene Olivia Munn had cut because of that sexual deviant guy that was in the scene with her, I wish they would’ve re-filmed that with someone else because Olivia Munn kind of just shows up in the film with no real introduction.

But the action is 80s/early 90s B movie solid. The Predator kills are some of the best of the series. I enjoyed the fact that Shane Black acknowledges that the other films exist and didn’t try to do a straight up remake or sequel. He was trying to do something different. He actually cared about the story and where it could go. And while the final 3 minutes are CGI shoddy as fuck, I could see where they could take it if the effects get a little bit better. At first I thought this MacGuffin, I promise I won’t spoil what it is, was going to reveal to be something else. Something bigger, more WTF, more throwback cameo, and more shocking. If you’ve seen the movie message me privately and I’ll tell you what I thought. If what I thought came to fruition, I think it would’ve been much better than what came out. Still, I give it points for trying.

This is the perfect movie this weekend to just shut off your brain and get lost into. I had a lot of fun. The film is action packed, it’s humor works, mostly, and I enjoyed the Predator kills, technology, and weaponry. Next time, Black should focus on really polishing the script and he could give us something really, truly special. But for now, we have this, and hey, I know it’s not saying much, but it is the best since the first, and at least it won’t make you want to Predator laser cannon your own head to never have to experience AVP again…

My Rank of Predator Films:
1. Predator
2. The Predator
3. Predator 2
4. Predators
5. Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem
6. Aliens Vs. Predator

I’ve already done all of my THE NUN puns on social media (aka “How many scares did this movie have? Nun. And I was nun too pleased with this movie”) so I think I’m going to lead in with this: If you are laughing hysterically at a scene that is supposed to be tense and frightening because you thought the Hocus Pocus candle made a cameo in the movie (and it is near the end of the film), you know that your attention in not invested in it. So far, The Conjuring cinematic universe has really been a hit and miss, by my own personal ratio it is still 3 to 2, so it’s still in the win column, but if they keep going on as they are, it will ultimately be a shaky foundation where you might not want to visit it as often as you might think. I was not scared of this flick at all. I never once grabbed on to my seat, or tensed up when I knew a jump scare was coming. I yawned and I kept picking apart the movie beat by beat, because I had nothing else better to do.

The main problem is with the characters, albeit at least one of the actors looked like they actually wanted to be there. Demian Bichir and Taissa Farmiga play Father Burke and Sister Irene, who, after a guy just named “Frenchie” played by Jonas Bloquet, finds a dead nun in Romania that seems to have hung hung herself outside an old church, are sent by the Vatican to investigate. Needless to say, all isn’t what it seems as all of them encounter a demonic presence in the form of a nun. Maybe it is just me, but I’m kind of sick of the whole “demon” causing havoc horror film. The last film to do it correctly (in fact it didn’t really reveal anything demon-ish until the very last 5 minutes) was Hereditary. Had Hereditary brought the whole “demon” explanation/entity earlier in the film, I probably wouldn’t have liked it as much. Demons are now the vampires, zombies, and found footage horror films of this decade…meaning it is SOOOO PLAYED out to the point of exhaustion. But I guess what else is there? (I have a feeling the slasher film is going to come back with an untold menace and vengeance this Halloween…if you catch my drift). Anyway, horror movies need a new ace up its sleeve, because everybody at the table wants to boot the demon asshole out of there.

There have also been too many movies this past decade and a half relying on religion to be scary. I’m not really a religious person, but to me trying to making it scary is tiring as hell, as I’m not too big a fan of exorcism movies either. If exploring the dark themes of religion is scary to you, then this film might be right up your alley. But let’s talk about the real problems of the film. The acting is downright terrible and I suspect that it is because the actors didn’t have much to work with as all the characters are two dimensional and are way past boredom. We’ve seen great things come out of Demian Bichir, but playing Father Burke seemed like he was doing the studio a favor. A solemn expression the whole time, he doesn’t really shred of tear of true emotion here (especially during a sticky situation I would have been crying my eyes out over), and is waiting for the shoot to be over. Taissa Farmiga I think was hired based on the fact that she can open here eyes extremely wide for insurmountable passages of time and the producers thought that shocked look was good enough for that character. And Jonas Bloquet, the guys who plays “Frenchie,” I think was the only one that was flattered that he won the role, as he is the one that has the most charisma and has the most emotion, even though his character is gone a good chunk of the film, and until the end, doesn’t have all that much to do. Plus, in the finale, they have him holding a shotgun, wearing old suspenders, and going down dark tunnels that I thought for a moment we were watching dailies from The Mummy with Brendan Fraser.

The movie doesn’t have that much of a story. It’s a demonic presence that got out of hell and took the form of a nun. That is it. It tries to bring about story beats like a crack in the ground and Jesus Christ’s blood at some point in the plot but I think it was just stretching a story to the brink of collapse…because they really had nothing but the scary nun idea in the first place. The movie also has no balls. There was a part where I thought a character was gone not even half way through the movie, and gone in a cool frightening way, but the character is saved in the most bizarre and ridiculous fashion. The movie starts out pretty well, it has one of those nice slow burn quality feels to it. I was thinking about 20 minutes into it that if it kept this up the whole way through we’d have a nice little horror treat on our hands. But nope, once things start halfway through, they try to throw every cookie cutter, cheap jump scare plus the kitchen sink with every 5 seconds that passed with no room to breathe. The finale is what I just described on steroids.

Is there something else I can actually compliment about this film? While there are a couple of shaky CGI issues throughout the film, there are mostly really well done make up and special effects, and some of the scenery, cinematography, and tone is handled really well. But the rest of it just plummets into mediocre (almost disaster level) oblivion. You have already made up your mind before this review if you are going to see this, and most of you already have, considering the excellent box office opening weekend it just had. But I have a feeling that the attendance ratio is going to plummet on this fast once audiences truly understand the mediocrity before their eyes. Understand the cover up that is taking place with the cheap factory floor produced scares. At first there were many, but then a short time passes, and then there were nun.

Ranking of The Conjuring Universe Films:
1. The Conjuring
2. The Conjuring 2
3. Annabelle Creation
4. The Nun
5. Annabelle

SEARCHING is, now don’t quote me on this, the 4th Desktop Thriller/Horror film to come out in the past couple of years, and maybe the third this year? Unfriended came out several years ago, the sequel Dark Web, came out this year, there is this, and I believe another one called Profile came out this year too, but it wasn’t a wide release so I have yet to catch it. I don’t have internet right now and am working off a word document, so I’m not going to check my facts, I’m just going to copy and paste when my works internet comes back up and you can look up those facts for me yourself. Anyway, I am really enjoying these Desktop thrillers for some reason, and would like to see a couple of more (hopefully more spread out in the coming years) and my statement is especially true in that Searching is easily the best of them so far.

With Unfriended and Unfriended Dark Web, I always felt like I was watching a computer screen and never felt myself completely lost in the narrative, no matter how entertaining. That changed with Searching. Halfway through the film, I completely forgot that I was watching a movie told entirely through a laptop screen, completely immersed. This is the biggest movie of its genre to get the biggest marketing, it’s like they new they had a little something special up their sleeve. Unlike the unknown actors in the other laptop thrillers, you have the very recognizable John Cho and Debra Messing in this, and the story is always at a breakneck pace. The movie is about a father, played by Cho, who hasn’t heard from his daughter Margot for a day and a half and realizes something must be wrong after he figures out through getting into several of her daughter’s social media accounts that she hasn’t been going to her piano lessons for the past six months and sent $2,500 to an individual through her Venmo account, of which that individuals account just says Username with some numbers and shows to have been deactivated. He gets the police involved, and with a detective assigned to the case, played by Messing, scours through the internet and the rest of her daughter’s social accounts to see what exactly happened to her, whether she ran away, or something else deeply sinister.

The ways that John Cho discovers revelations about what exactly happened to his daughter through the internet were both interesting and logical. There was maybe one big one near the very end that might’ve been a little too convenient and a little bit of a stretch, but I was willing to forgive all that came before it. There are several twists and turns in this thing and you don’t know if a suspect is going to end up a red herring or not. The movie also, through the father’s computer and social media, strongly establishes his family and what has happened to them since Margot’s birth to present. In fact, it gets a little emotional, and the filmmakers knew to tug at the audiences heartstrings just enough so that it didn’t cross the line and step into melodrama. The acting also lends a hand in getting this film a little more credibility when it comes to desktop thrillers in general. John Cho is excellent here. I’ve always thought he was good, from Harold and Kumar to Star Trek, but here he is fantastically good and proves he could be a leading man in other things. I never liked Debra Messing all that much as an actress (either that or I really don’t like her character in Will & Grace all that much), but here, she gives her best performance as a police detective trying to help Cho’s character solve all the mystery about her daughter.

I also liked that the film didn’t just stay on one desktop/laptop the entire time. A couple of moments in the film it goes to a giant Iphone screen or switches to a believable news cast of what is going on. I liked that they did that because the father just re watching the newscast because the film wanted to stay on just his laptop, really wouldn’t have been all that believable. This was a really well made film and completely redefines what the desktop thriller can do. Unfortunately, since this is getting great reviews and seems to be doing well, Hollywood is going to over saturate the shit out of this genre, and will give us too many movies and get fatigue quickly, just like what happened with the found footage thrillers and the Paranormal Activity films. But if you want to check out just one of these genre films, please do this one. It is very well made and great entertainment.

THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS starts out pretty hilariously but when the end credits hit, you realize that the entire product is like a puppet with no puppeteer: all felt and fluff, yet no soul. The only truly amazing thing in this film is the puppet work, which you get a peek of how they did certain scenes during the end credits (honestly I would’ve rather watched a 90 minute feature on some of the amazing puppet effects throughout history). During the first 15 minutes of the film, I was laughing my fucking ass off, wondering why the critics were being so cruel to this, but after the first little bit, I realized exactly what was happening. The laughs were substituted for a story that is so lame brain and dull I was wishing for the worst possible thing you could wish for out of a comedy, that they would toss the story out the window and just have the puppets to more crude and crass shit. Instead they tried to get a little too serious with a joke here or there, and everything just falls completely flat on its face. Meet The Feebles, this is not.

I just mentioned a film called Meet The Feebles. Unless you are a huge film geek, you probably don’t know that this isn’t the first raunchy film about puppets to ever hit the big screen. What is funny is that if you are a Lord of the Rings uber fan, then you might know what it is. Meet The Feebles is a 1989 crude as hell puppet flick co-written and directed by none other than Peter Jackson. Instead of checking out The Happytime Murders, see if you can find Feebles instead, I guarantee you are likely to have a better time. This movie has been in development hell as far back as 2008. If you look at some of the promotional material, you’ll see some really cool act that depicts a much more darker and interesting police noir type film. With a film being in production for the past 10 years, and the very cool promotional material for the film, why the hell didn’t we get something better and akin to a new puppet classic, but for adults?

I have a theory. For starters, they probably shouldn’t have hired a guy (Jim Henson’s son no less, Brian Henson) who hasn’t directed a God damn film since Muppet Treasure Island back in 1996. While he has actually proven himself with children puppet movies in the past, clearly this film was way out of his league. If he was going for a police noir type puppet crude and sexual humor comedy, the overall tone should’ve been much darker. Everything in this movie is too bright and cheery, including the cinematography. If you are going to make a R rated puppet flick, don’t direct it like you think children are going to see the movie. What they should’ve done is hire another director, and a different cinematographer, to help Brian Henson with the movie. Brian Henson could’ve been the sole person in charge of the puppetry, while the director got the tone and everything else right.

But like I said in the first paragraph, it is mainly the story that is extremely mediocre. It has a good set up, in a world where puppets and humans co-exist, someone is killing puppets that were on a popular show called The Happytime Gang, and no a disgraced puppet ex-cop and his old human partner, played by Melissa McCarthy, but now solve these murders before all the fluff hits the fan. The beginning is really good and funny, especially at the beginning where you have the first words out of a puppets mouth be “fuck you” and some hilarious hijinks in a puppet adult themed porn shop, but the rest of the film and the execution is sloppy and boring. I didn’t care who was murdering puppets or why. I didn’t even try to think hard to try and figure out the mystery, because I didn’t care, because the movie didn’t have me engaged enough.

The puppets are the stars of this film, and the guy that is the puppeteer and voices the main character, Bill Barretta, does a great job as Phil Phillips (no wonder though, he also does my favorite Muppet of all time, The Swedish Chef). There are too many other puppets to mention on here, and some of the jokes I consider spoilers, but just know that all the puppeteers do fantastic puppetry and voice work. The human characters are all blah. Melissa McCarthy does her same old blah schtik. Elizabeth Banks and Joel McHale look like they are just there for their blah paychecks. Completely blah human characters all around (Maya Rudolph is even wasted here). If you still really want to see this film (still see it, don’t let any of my reviews stop you from seeing what you want to see), the only way I can recommend it is for the hilarious first 15 minutes, a couple of jokes between that and the end, and the masterful puppet work (especially the end credits). This was extremely disappointing, and just makes me want to watch Meet The Feebles or Sausage Party again to brighten up my vulgar non-kids “kids” movie fix. I can also watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit to watch something that did both the noir feel and the masterful storytelling perfectly (that isn’t near as vulgar).

Netflix keeps spewing out these “original” movies week by week by week. I don’t have time to watch them all, so if I do watch it and review it for you here it is because of one of three things: 1. I happened upon the trailer and it peaked my interest, 2. Word of Mouth a week or two after its release, 3. Another Cloverfield Sequel. For TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE, it is definitely reason #3. I’m kidding obviously, it is a combination of the first two. I’ve been hearing that girls love this movie to death the past week on Screen Rant and a bunch of other click bait websites, and that some males have even been into it too. So I went to trailer, was intrigued, and decided to watch. My verdict? Pretty damn good little Netflix original. And it all has to do with the believability of the dialogue, script in general, and all the actors and actresses involved, especially the lead played by Lana Condor (she played Jubilee in X-Men:Apolcolypse, but didn’t really have much to do).

Does it follow every single romantic comedy beat known to mankind? Absolutely. The movie has a classic rom-com set up (I know it is based on a trilogy of novels I just haven’t read it): Lara Jean, a 16 year old, who’s mom passed away when she was young, lives with her father and two sisters, the older which is about to go off to college. She is kind of a loner at school, but she has one best girl friend, she is good friends with her older sister’s boyfriend, and she has the classic “used to be best friend but lost her sometime after middle school because of popularity” rom com enemy. Anyway, she is really shy, and over the years have written (and addressed) 5 love notes to five guys she has fallen for her whole life, even though they all had no idea. The letters end up going missing from a box in her room, and suddenly the guys she wrote to in the past are confronting her about her letters. Who ended up sending the letters, but more importantly, what is going to come of all this, as Lara Jean’s life is suddenly upturned and she is the center of attention to everyone.

I’ve said this a million times in my reviews, I could go into more of the plot, like how one of the letters is to the most popular guy in school (and happens to be dating her rom com enemy) and another to her sister’s boyfriend, but the less I say the better. I have to admit, I should’ve seen the ultimate outcome of the story coming, but some aspects through me for a loop, and I know the reason why. I was basing my guesses on what would in the climax on the classic rom-com formula. The reason why the movie was so enjoyable is that it ended up not going down several of those paths and decided to take a more realistic approach to how this kind of situation would happen in real life. I kept guessing. And then I kept changing my guesses. I eventually got it, but by then the movie was almost over anyway, so it doesn’t really count.

The performances are wait makes the movie really, really stand out. John Corbett shows up as the lovable dad, Israel Broussard follows up his charming performance in Happy Death Day with another here, Noah Centineo from The Fosters plays a really down to Earth most popular guy in school performance, and Janel Parrish from Pretty Little Liars is good in her limited screen time as Lara’s sister. But it is Lana Condor, who plays Lara, the makes takes the movie to a more enjoyable and believable level. She hits just the right marks playing a girl that is on that borderline from being a loner and shy to starting to be the center of attention in everyone’s eyes. Her performance really brings out the character devlopment in Lana, and if played by any other actress, it could’ve completely felt two dimensional.

I could get into the whole SJW thing with the fact that all the studios that wanted this film only wanted it if the main character was changed to be white instead of Asian and all that sensitive mess, and that Netflix was the only studio that agreed to keep the ethnicity of the character the way it is, but I’m not going to get into it. The only thing I’ll say is that I believe that Netflix did the right thing of keeping the ethnicity the same and then casting Lana Condor in the role, because she is phenomenal. If this and Crazy Rich Asians shows America anything is that people are willing to seek out and give money to movies that aren’t whitewashed if they are great storytelling devices such as these two possess. If you haven’t already, go check out Crazy Rich Asians in theaters for a scrumptious cinematic meal, then go home and watch this for a very sweet and savory dessert.

MILE 22 could’ve been a pretty decent flick if it would’ve just slowed the fuck down and added about 20 minutes to its runtime. That way each camera shot/cut/edit what have you could’ve been more than the max of 3.5 seconds a piece (probably averages around 2 seconds for the whole film). This movie is basically 16 Blocks on cocaine. The film literally has no room to breath thus everything (story, action shots, characterization) suffers. The movie isn’t as bad as the critics are making it out to be, the film is watchable, and the first ten minute raid is actually pretty damn good, but the rest of the film seemed super rushed, as if they had a short window to shoot because everybody else was doing different things. This is definitely Mark Wahlberg and Peter Berg’s worst collaboration yet, and after the poor box office results, maybe they should stick to what they are good at: adaptations of real life events instead of a jumbled up ass fictional script.

What is so frustrating about all of this is that all the ingredients were there to make a pretty good film, instead of a confusing okay one. Mark Wahlberg’s Silva character is very interesting but you only get to know about him through a quick introductory credits sequence, and the fact that he yells almost every single line while annoyingly pulling and slapping a rubber ban on his wrist to keep himself calm. Lauren Cohen’s character has a decent family (why in the fuck would you work for a cover ops branch of the government if you want to see your daughter) dynamic, but it too is rushed with a quick video call with the daughter and ex that lasts 20 seconds? The character that is explored the most in this is The Raid’s Iko Uwais, and even his dynamic of being a pretty bad ass martial artist is rushed with the camera never just settling on him so we can see those sweet fighting movies. His moves are cut off quicker than a Michael Bay or Paul Greengrass film. Peter Berg knows how to direct, especially with his last three collaborations with Wahlberg, so I don’t get the unnecessary shaky cam/quick cut stuff with this film. A director uses this method when they know that they aren’t a very good action director, and those cuts will make it seem like it is ‘bad ass fury fighting’ when in actuality if the camera stayed still it would look pretty tame and fake. It really doesn’t make sense with Iko Uwais fight scenes, because if you’ve seen The Raid, you know the guy is a bad ass martial artist. My thinking? The whole shoot was rushed and the editing person only had a few rough takes to edit together and not much to work with.

When I compared the movie to 16 Blocks, I wasn’t kidding. The story deals with this covert ops ghost government team led by Wahlberg and John Malkovich, and this man named Li Noor has some important information to give them that involved chemicals that can be used to build bombs that are worse than anything that has come before, including Hiroshima. He will give the government the information, as long as he is on a plane to the United States that is 22 miles away. Those 22 miles are supposed to seem like forever since they get bombarded with people trying to kill Noor. The movie has some good action beats, and the movie is a short 94 minutes, but it goes by way too fast and feels way too rushed. Also, the movie abruptly ends, and I get why it does (because they believe they were going to make a trilogy of films, this weekend box office says otherwise), but it still leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. The movie even has a interesting twist, that if explored more, could’ve been a nice treat instead of a shrug.

Anyway, this is a Netflix watch or Redbox rental at best. There are definitely worse films out there right now, like Mamma Mia 2 or The Spy Who Dumped me, but there are better ones, like Mission Impossible Fallout and BlacKkKlansman that deserve your box office bucks more. The film wasn’t terrible, it’s just frustratingly okay. I would like to try it out again if some extended cut with like 15 to 20 extra minutes were released, because it feels like an unfinished film. I want to blame director Peter Berg, but in the end, I always blame Hollywood, the production company, and the producers. They should always…ALWAYS…know better.

Like I’ve told you before, for all of you, my wife Diane likes doing a quick review of the movies that are geared more toward the opposite sex so that I don’t always rip my claws into them all the time. So I proudly present my wife’s review of CRAZY RICH ASIANS:

Crazy Rich Asians is crazy awesome! It’s a great romantic comedy the likes of which they do not make any more. Not since the days of Reese Witherspoon and Matthew McConaughey has there been a more classic romantic comedy. It covers all bases, from the silly best friend with good advice, to the ex- that wants to get back together, and the cliché wardrobe closet montage scene where the characters play dress up.

The guys are nice to look at. The performances are great. And the characters are relateable so that you root for them. The tone is lighthearted so it does not leave you emotionally drained. All around, it’s a good time that keeps your attention and make you want to watch it again and again and again.

ZACH’S TWO CENTS: Diane is right, this is a really good movie, and they really don’t make these old classic rom-coms like they use to anymore. Everything that we get now is all millenial-ized and too over the top with completely unbelievable situations, overacting performances, with bombastic climaxes. This movie keeps it very simple. Sure, it is a tried and true formula that has been done a thousand times before, but when the new formula is an unwanted pest that just won’t leave, sometimes something old is something new again. The set up is clear and cliche: a crazy rich Asian man that currently resides in New York takes his long time Asian girlfriend, a regular college theory professor, to Singapore because he is the best man at a friends wedding there and he wants her to meet his parents. Does he plan on popping the question afterwards? Does a bear shit in the woods? So yes, you’ve heard it all before, and that set up would be in both the old classic rom com formula and the newer one, but there is a huge difference. Here is an example: the new millenial-lized rom com would have the main character crashing into a cake, which crashes into two people holding an ice sculpture that crashes into the wedding DJ’s set, that crashes all over the food and completely ruins the in-laws outfits or something to that unrealistic nature. This movie? Nope, not that kind of scene here, in fact the girl, played to note perfection by Contance Wu, does almost all the right things, except for one little case of mistaken identity that lasts only 3 seconds and she spills wine on her boyfriends shirt at another point in the film. Everything that happens is completely predictable, only this time it is refreshing to not roll your eyes to the ridiculousness of it all. Think of classic rom-coms in the 80s and 90s. If you miss those and are sick of the new shit, Crazy Rich Asians is the cure.

Well, little did I know I was in for a little treat when deciding to put on something I haven’t seen before while eating Chik-Fil-A for lunch. I put on a Netflix original film (meaning it was probably rejected by every major studio theater and Netflix is flowing in the dough so it is buying almost everything nowadays) THE PACKAGE, which means “The Penis,” but I’ll get to that in a moment. The movie looked like a dumb crude teenage comedy and that’s what I suddenly felt like at the moment. I’m not going to tell you it was something different, because it is exactly what I just said it was, but I actually laughed at quite a few things in the movie, I’ve been quoting some of the lines all day, and the movie entertained me the whole way through.

The movie is about five teenage friends that go camping when one of them comes back to the States for a week after being out of the country for a bit. One of them has a fake id, they grab a whole bunch of drinks and they go out into the woods. The one with the fake ID gets super drunk, super fast, and when taking a piss, accidentally cuts off his penis at the base. And there is where I’m going to stop. The rest of the movie acts as a race against time sort of road trip film to get to a hospital with said severed penis. So if you don’t like looking at chopped off dicks, then stay far away from this movie. Because it doesn’t shy away from showing that severed penis every which way that it can. The penis goes through the ringer, getting dirty, damaged, if you think a certain thing will happen to it, it probably it does. That cock goes through the ringer.

Also if you don’t like crude humor, again, stay far away.. It gets really crude, very often, and throws almost every dick and fart joke in plus the kitchen sink. The movie was produced by the three main stars of Workaholics, and even features a cameo by one of them, but you aren’t likely to recognize anybody in the movie, unless you watch Mom on CBS, or have seen Blockers, or the Netflix original Alex Strangelove. But all the kids have good chemistry together and brought a lot of laughs with some very memorable lines, including a fantastic Disney reference.

No, this isn’t one of the years best films at all. I just had a good time and if I ever watch it again it will be with friends that haven’t seen it. It’s a drunk/stoner comedy through and through. I liked the premise, and even though they have done movies before where they are in a race against time to get some kind of vital organ to a recipient in time, I’ve never seen it be a severed penis. There are worse things on Netflix, and trust me when I say, this is one of the better things to watch for the $12.99 you pay per month.

Now before reading this and before balking at the fact that I consider BLACKKKLANSMAN to be Spike Lee’s best film…ever…just know that I have seen Do The Right Thing, Malcolm X, 25th Hour, He Got Game, Summer of Sam, Inside Man…I’ve seen most of his filmography, yes, even the very mediocre remake of Oldboy. I can 200% back up with all my film watching confidence in the world tell you that Blackkklansman is (my) favorite Spike Lee film. It is a masterpiece of epic proportions that make it required viewing in the times that we are living in today. It speaks to several layers of racism, media coverage, politics, and even employment all at once that makes up a remarkable, entertaining, shocking, thoughtful, and heartfelt true story. If this doesn’t come away with a couple of Oscars come Feb 2019, everyone should be ashamed of themselves.

Everything about this movie is special. From the hard hitting opening with a cameo by a very well known famous actor, to the gut punch of a ending stinger showing real life events of horrors we have to deal with today, to every grand thing in between, is masterful. The movie is based on a true story of Ron Stallworth, the first black detective in Colorado Springs, Colorado police department that successfully infiltrates the Ku Klux Klan. He does this by calling them himself and having his detective partner Flip (played by Adam Driver), do all the in person stuff. All the intricacies of how he does it and how he keeps it so long I’m going to let the movie show you, because the journey is the full ride. One could argue that Spike Lee’s films for the past decade have been mostly point and shoot films, with none of his signature style that he gave us in his early movies such as Do The Right Thing or Malcolm X. One could also argue those are the only movies we was allowed or hired to make so his heart wasn’t really in it. Well, please welcome Spike Lee back into the fold. His direction here is flawless. You can tell his heart and soul was completely in this picture. He has some of his signature style mixed in with some new ultra cool shots that reminded me of the great blaxploitation films of the 70’s, they even mention a couple such as Shaft and Superfly.

I also loved how the movie didn’t just go right into Ron Stallworth infiltrating the Ku Klux Klan. The film starts as a slow burn that just keeps escalating and escalating until the fantastic finally where everything was paid off. They start off Ron going undercover at a Black Panthers meeting where actor Cory Hawkins speech as Kwame Ture is breathtaking and powerful. Ron Stallworth also has a love interest in the movie played by Spider-Man Homecoming’s Laura Harrier. And their relationship in the film is one of the best romantic subplots I have seen so far in films of 2018. It naturally progresses and it felt real, not manufactured or rushed. Interestingly enough, I can’t fail to mention that Ron Stallworth is played by Denzel Washington’s son (yes, THAT DENZEL) John David Washington. Evidentally, his son obviously inherited some of his father’s acting chops, because he is incredible in this. Heck, everyone is incredible. You don’t think Adam Driver can act? Compare his performances in this and the Last Jedi, if that doesn’t prove this guy can act, I don’t know what will for you. He is great as Stallworth’s Jewish detective partner and their chemistry shines.

Heck, Topher Grace, who I think is an absolutely terrible one note actor, gives the best performance of his career as David Duke (real life ‘grand wizard’ of the Klu Klux Klan). They show a little clip at the end of the film of the real David Duke, and my God did Topher do his homework to actually portray this weird and awful individual. Another individual that you probably hadn’t heard of because his career is mostly in Finnish movies, and he just broke out here in America with the show Vikings is Jasper Pääkkönen, who plays Felix Kendrickson, a very nasty racist who tries to prove that Flip isn’t who he says he is the entire film.

This movie is powerful and easily one of the best of the year. And again, in my opinion, I think this is Spike Lee’s best film. He took the time, passion, and love, pouring his blood, sweat, soul, and tears into this film, and it completely pays off. Its message is powerful, the story is amazing, it walks that fine line between comedy, dark comedy, and drama, and is entertaining the entire run time. Come nomination time, this movies title will probably be said over and over again. In fact, if it doesn’t, there may be some serious backlash towards the Academy. It really is a near perfect film. Please check it out, it is vitally important that you do.