Over the weekend, if Hereditary was the movie that disturbed me the most, then HOTEL ARTEMIS was the most fun. I know, I know, the Rotten Tomato score doesn’t reflect that. But like all of my friends tell me, sometimes you just have to tell RT to go fuck itself. This is one of those times. This movie, while kind of ripping off the hotel in John Wick, was fun, weird, and crazy enough for me to consider it more unique from John Wick where I am going to believe that writer/director Drew Pearce maybe took that idea and made it his own. The film features an all star cast. You have Jodie Foster giving her best performance in decades, you have This Is Us’s Sterling K. Brown just radiating coolness, you have Jeff Goldblum being…well yeah Jeff Goldblum. You have Charlie Day finally playing someone other than Charlie on It’s Always Sunny, you have Sofia Boutella being as sexy as ever (and now right under Jennifer Lawrence for me in terms of celebrity crushes) and you even have Dave Bautista playing a different kind of role. Zachary Quinto and Jenny Slate are in this too and are great in the scenes they are in. Yeah, a lot of recognizable names. And while the movie has some predictability to it, my eyes never left the screen to look at my watch to see when the film would end. It is a wholly enjoyable tight 95 minutes of hammed up, scenery chewing performances, a little bit of action, and a weird little fun plot.

HOTEL ARTEMIS is a hotel, that is also a one woman hospital, that caters to injured criminals looking for someplace local to stay/hide. The hotel has strict rules. No weapons allowed inside. You must have membership to get in. No fighting or killing the other patients. No exceptions. Well, if there weren’t any exceptions we wouldn’t have a movie right? The movie takes place actually just ten years from now, 2028, and Los Angeles is currently under riots because apparently clean water is really hard to get these days, and a clean water company is cutting a lot of people off. Sterling K. Brown’s character and his brother get injured during a non related robbery and go to Hotel Artemis for safekeeping and medical care. Jodie Foster’s character runs the hotel, with Dave Bautista as her very loyal orderly. Little do the brothers know that the hotel is almost booked up, with some of the occupants looking to break the rules that night for their own gain, and that the true owner of the Artemis is about to pay a visit.

And that’s all I will tell you. The fun of the movie is going through the story, seeing what some of the criminals true intentions are, seeing who lives and who dies, and seeing all the actors ham it up. It’s very predictable mind you, but as I’ve said before in other reviews, it doesn’t matter if the journey is incredibly intoxicating. And it most definitely is here. I loved the slightly futuristic world. Enough tech for the world to advance just a little bit in a decade, and enough resources plummeting to make the riots seem timely, but not enough to make your eyes roll. I loved the tone of the film as well as the dark look of Los Angeles during the riots. I loved, loved, loved Jodie Foster’s performance as the one and only nurse that takes care of the criminals that happen to seek help. She’s neurotic enough to completely follow her rules and not move an inch, completely OCD in each and every way, but enough of a give to be able to have a redeemable arc. It’s her best performance since…well, I don’t know when, well, actually maybe Silence of the Lambs. Sterling K. Brown is great here to, radiating such cool that my hetero man crush on him just keeps going up after this, People Vs. O.J. Simpson, and This Is Us. Dave Bautista isn’t Drax here either, and Sofia Boutella is so damn charming and sexy its unbelievable. And is Jeff Goldblum having a Blumessiance? He very well could be. Zachary Quinto also proves he needs to be a psychotic leading man in his own movie. Instead of going through the rest of the actors one by one, trust me when I say they were all pretty good.

There is nothing more to say about this film other than that the direction was good, the action wasn’t too heavy and over the top, and it made me interested in taking another trip to the hotel somewhere down the line (with the box office take this weekend though, I doubt it). This is one of those very, very good switch off your brain times at the movies. Drew Pearce hasn’t done much, in fact this is his directorial debut, which he does have a good eye with framing and other camera work/skills that can only get better from here. It is definitely his best screenplay work to date, considering that he only came up with the story for Rogue Nation, and only wrote Iron Man 3 and one other Marvel One-Shot. Maybe something even more original next time, and not so predictable could come out of his future that to me, could be bright. But this is here, now, and this will do, because I definitely enjoyed my stay.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, a film ending can truly make or break your film. It doesn’t matter how fucking good the movie is before that ending, if your ending sucks, has a WTF kind of punchline, or you are too ambiguous, you could lose your audience. Now let’s go to director Paul Schrader before I get to reviewing his new film starring Ethan Hawke that you probably hadn’t heard of, FIRST REFORMED. Paul Schrader is a pretty great screenwriter, and kind of a meh director. And his screenwriting has definitely been hit or miss. More of a hit in the 70s and 80s and a couple of huge misfires past the 1990s (by misfires I mainly mean The Canyons and The Exorcist prequel). He is known for mainly being a Scorcese collaborator, writing great classics as Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Bringing Out The Dead. Now the ending to Schrader’s new movie is going to divide a lot of people. Critics think it is fucking brilliant, but I’ve heard some audience members aren’t fucking having it, from what I’m reading. I’m going to say that while I think the ending could’ve been much much better than it was (it goes down the predictable route, then then quickly switches gears and goes into “what the fuck territory? with a huge salt load of ambiguousness), it was a bit of a let down, as I feel that Schrader was basically almost copying the ending of Taxi Driver in its “what the fuck”ness. Only Taxi Driver’s ending really really worked. This one, on my initial thoughts, made me say “huh?” when it cut to black. The ending kind of works the more you really think about it and the themes and the weighty moral center the film’s core has. I can’t really get into it without revealing it so if you know me personally, hit me up and I’ll tell you. I’m still recommending the film though, because the dialogue and everything leading to the end is pretty damn brilliant, and so is Ethan Hawke, who gives us his best performance…ever.

Very quickly, the movie is about a protestant pastor who is very ill, very alone (reasons revealed in the movie), and very dedicated to the First Reformed church, a church that is about to have its 250th anniversary. The church has mainly become a tourist attraction, with not a lot of regular daily attendees and worshippers. He’s trying to get ready of being part of the 250th anniversary celebration, collaborating with a much bigger church syndicate run by Cedric The Entertainer (yes, him, but also his best performance…ever, not comical really at all). At the beginning of the film, one day after mass, a pregnant wife, played by Amanda Seyfried (great here too), that wants that pastor to talk to her husband, who is a very depressed, very radical environmentalist, who doesn’t want to bring a child in this world that according to him, is dying. Once meeting with this individual, he begins to questions his beliefs, and his life takes a very different turn. That’s about all I can tell you before I get into the twists and turns of the thing. However, when these twists and turns come, you can eventually see where this movie is going to end, or where you think it will. I have to give it to the ending a little bit for not hitting bullseye on that particular mark, but surely there could’ve been something more concrete and original.

What I did love in this film was the dialogue, the handling of the timely weighty themes, and Ethan Hawke’s Oscar worthy performance. His initial sit down with the environmentalist is long and lasts about 10 minutes, but the way they talk and bounce off of each other in this conversation, just proves that you can keep people’s attention without any action or any new age camera work. The conversation tenses up where it needs to and tells the audience its message without getting too…pun intended…preachy. The whole film I was surprised didn’t really get in your face with the preachy. And it had every opportunity to, and every right to as well. The film is essential a Church versus big corporate pollution companies versus the Pastor’s morals and faith. Every conversation is just nuanced enough to have you guess where the conversation would’ve went if written by a less experienced screenplay writer. But this is Paul Schrader’s we are talking about here, even with his misses, he is still a veteran screenplay writer that we should be able to trust 100%, good or bad movie (can’t say the same for Akiva Goldsman though…)

Ethan Hawke’s performance is nothing short of brilliant, his best since Training Day and Boyhood. He is almost in every scene and he lights up every second of it. There are times where he could’ve completely jumped the gun and over acted, but instead goes the subtle route, to bring a more believable and realistic character to the screen. It’s spectacular to watch and if the ending had completely destroyed my faith in all of the film (it hasn’t, I just thought it could’ve been a little better) I would still recommend the film based on his performance alone. And maybe to even see Cedric The Entertainer (who goes by his real name here) play completely against type. I probably didn’t think the movie is a masterpiece that some critics are claiming it to be because, to be honest, I’m just not that religious. But I do get enough of it to know what the movie was trying to do, basically asking the question, “will God forgive us?” and thinks that it accomplished what it set out to tell, better than average.

It just depends what type of movie goer you are if you will love or hate this film. Paul Shrader early work enthusiasts will love it to death, people that can’t stand religion will probably never watch it or be that interested, religious people will like it until the ending, and modern audience who need explosions and simple tales with absolutely loathe this film. Me? I’m right after the Shrader enthusiasts, I really really thought it was great up until the ending. Now the ending didn’t ruin it for me, it was different enough not to be predictable, I just thought it could’ve been meatier. Say what you want about Hollywood’s lack of originality, but it is film’s like this that get lost in the shuffle that contradict those plights.

HEREDITARY is the most deeply disturbing and unsettling film I have seen in my almost 32 years on planet Earth. It’s one of the few horror pieces to make me want to watch it again so I can catch all the clues from the beginning of the story that lead to revelations at the end, but then again I don’t want to watch it again because of the disturbing images, themes, sequences, and other shit that is probably going to give me nightmares for some time to come (I had a nightmare last night). It is also one of the few horror films that I went and did research on to find out if some of the lores and myths presented in the film were actually true (and they are, which makes the movie even grander considering it isn’t a whole bunch of fucking jibberish). This isn’t a “jump scare” kind of film. Those films are reserved for kids in their teens and very early 20’s that don’t know any better and wouldn’t know a good horror film if it were to completely shove itself up their ignorant asses. This film is a slow burn type horror. It is extremely complex and intricate. There are throwaway lines of dialogue you think are just things written to pass the time but end up becoming very important at the very end of the film. The film kept me guessing. I truly want to see it again, it is one of the horror masterpieces not just of our generation, but of all time, ranking with the greats. This film is the one to disturb me the most since I watch the original The Omen when I was a kid, and trust me, I don’t scare fucking easily.

Like I warned you, the film is a slow burn, but even with that slow burn, the acting and atmosphere keeps things interesting. Then about, 25-30 minutes into the 2 hour adventure, something utterly fucking shocking and disturbing happens that I didn’t see coming. That one sequence and a little bit after that kept me engaged with the film and I was haunted by thinking what would happen next. And all the trailers and tv spots have done a good job hiding all the secrets and surprises from everyone, even what the film in the end is truly about. The director, Ari Aster, I can’t believe this is his first feature length film (he has done some shorts in the past). His direction here is almost top notch perfect, and I can’t wait to see what we get from him in the future. Oh, I forgot to mention he wrote this thing solo as well. Hopefully he is as consistent or gets even better from here and doesn’t go the way of M. Night Shaymalan.

I really don’t want to tell you anything about this movie, but if I can just do one sentence, it won’t give away a thing: A middle aged mother has just buried her old mother who she didn’t really care for and the rest of her family of four, including her strange looking young 13 year old daughter, deals with the aftermath. Hopefully I didn’t give anyway away, I don’t think I did. Like I said, the movie does a great job of spreading tiny tiny clues throughout the film where you don’t know what it is truly about I’d say until the last 5 to 10 minutes. I thought that was brilliant. A movie that shows their cards within the first 15 minutes of its run time, especially a horror movie, is always doomed to failure in my opinion. Even a short 85 minute film. But this is a grueling, treacherous 2 hours, but in a good way. I guess. I know I’m building up this movie a lot with praise, but do I really ever want to watch it again? My movie brain says absolutely yes, but my sanity says absolutely not.

Toni Collette, and I’m basically copying other critics when I say this, gives the performance of her career. She’s always great in anything she does honestly, especially a show called The United States of Tara, but here she is completely, mesmerizingly good. It’s definitely her best big screen performance since her great supporting turn in The Sixth Sense. All the actors are great in this. Alex Wolff, who you might know as playing one of the Boston Marathon bombers in the movie Patriot’s Day, out acts his more famous brother, Nat Wolff here. His facial expressions in this are buried deep within are mind. The girl that plays the young 13 year old daughter, Milly Shapiro, is so good she’s disturbing as fuck here too. And Gabriel Byrne does a fantastic job as the low key father that just wants what is best for his family and tries to keep everything and everyone sane.

So that’s it. That’s all I’m going to say. Go see this film if you love and cherish horror films. It is not to be missed. It is being praised as high as It Comes At Night and The Witch, both of which I didn’t care for all that much. I guess critically third praise is the charm? I was thinking of it as I left the theater and it was still embedded in my mind when I got home. I eveb had a nightmare last night with some of it. And the more I research about the film, it gets even better and has me want to brave through a second viewing, just so I can catch all the little hints and clues throughout every scene, shot, and line of dialogue. Don’t spoil yourself with this film, you might not regard it as highly if you know what is coming. But then again, I’m not you. It’s the most unsettling film I have ever seen. Don’t see this film if you don’t like being disturbed. This film isn’t for the faint of heart or for scaredy-cats. You just have to ask yourself one question. Are you brave enough?

At the end of every summer movie season, I like to go and think back and try to figure out, “what was the best surprise of the summer?” Usually that would not go to a film like Avengers: Infinity War or Deadpool 2, because those are big summer tent pole films that you expect to either love or have a lot of fun with. The best surprises of the summer are usually low budget films that you thought would just be your ordinary run of the mill predictable action/indie drama that usually have no place in the season, but end up being there because they provide so much more than you think than by just witnessing the trailer. UPGRADE will be that film for me come end of 2018. Upgrade is not only Leigh Whannell’s best directed film, it is quite possibly his best written film as well (the first Saw film holds a dear place in my ever loving horror/torture porn filled heart). The film blends sci-fi, action, humor, gore, and tone almost flawlessly. A lot of films try and combine those aforementioned things but usually only get one or two right, while the others are either neglected too much or go horribly wrong (see Netflix’s MUTE). Upgrade is a film meant to see with an audience, but even watching by yourself, you can find yourself in a guilty pleasure type situation, watching it over and over again.

What I love is that while the trailer is straight forward in what the film promises to give you, it holds a lot of things back. Trust me when I say a lot. Without giving anything away, I tried to guess what was ultimately going to happen, and when I thought I was right, the film completely pulled the rug out from under me and I was wrong (kind of like Saw did, in fact the reveal is Saw like in its editing manner, you’ll see what I mean). I love it when films do that. It keeps me on my toes. Upgrade is about a man named Grey that, following a car accident, the senseless murder of his wife, and these people that kill his wife also leave him a quadrapalegic. A friend of his who is very rich and runs a tech company, offers him a little tiny gadget named STEM, that attaches to his spinal cord/nervous system, and allows him to walk and have complete motor functions again. Grey just has to keep this tech a secret and not tell anyone else, so while he is inside his home, he can do whatever he wants, but once he steps outside, he has to fake being a quadrapalegic again. Anyway, turns out this tech can do a lot more than said, and can actually talk to Grey and analyze a whole bunch of other stuff, including the identities of those who killed his wife.

Ok, that’s where I’m stopping. That’s about the first 20 minutes of the film, and that’s all you need to know. It’s ok to watch the trailer on this one, as it doesn’t give too much away. You can see that STEM can take over Grey’s body during action packed rock em’ and sock em’ fight scenes and can completely fuck up the enemy. And this being Whannell, who gave us Saw, there are a couple of surprise very gory moments that will make you cringe yet laugh at the same time. This movie has a lot of humor for the very serious story and subject matter it displays, but for me at least, every moment of it worked. Whannell also gets his stab at giving us something more visually to look at with the action scenes, with some unique shots and long takes when the punches are thrown where you can see everything that is going on, without having to try and mask everything using lazy quick cuts and the dreadful shaky cam. The performance of non Tom Hardy Logan-Marshall Green is particularly fantastic. Especially his mannerisms. He has to look like he is fighting these bad guys while not actually being in control of his body, and all of his little quirks and manuevers he adds to the role is quite brilliant. Acting wise, the only one that bothered me a little would be that tech friend that gives him STEM, played by Harrison Gilbertson. The guy plays the role like actors Jared Leto and Dane DeHaan fucked and had a baby (this comment is in no way Roseanne racist so back off). It was a little too weird for my tastes, and I’ve seen that weirdness acting character role before and haven’t liked it too much.

But yes, out of all three movies that came out this past weekend, Adrift, Action Point, and this, Upgrade is the only one I saw and am going to see. The other two look down right awful. When walking into this my expectations were medium and I thought it would be a passable one time watch actioner that I might catch one day again on Netflix or something. Nope, I had a fucking blast with this film. It is a very tight 95 minutes that blends all the tones mentioned above with a good story. And yes, while this story you’ve seen multiple times in the machine makes men better like Robocop, etc., the frenetic and fast pace of it makes up for all the familiarity. I could totally see a sequel with a different story and it just builds upon this world that left me wanting more and that I would like to visit again real soon (maybe something John Wickesque). But yeah, Upgrade is the fun surprise of summer 2018. Went in with my senses, came out with something more.

Whoa, Netflix actually released an original movie…that’s actually quite good? Yes, they have, with CARGO. What’s it about? I’m reluctant to say that yes, zombies are in it. I know, I know, zombie fatigued has finally set in, based on the ratings plummet of The Walking Dead over the past year and a half. But where The Walking Dead doesn’t know where it wants to go in its 16 episodes per year run (or they have a plan, and its just not a very good one), Cargo has a story that flows very smoothly, the beats have actual consequences that seemed planned out and set up other plot points that go somewhere, and the film earns your emotions. It is probably the most depressing zombie film I have ever seen.

It does star someone that you might know, Martin Freeman, aka Bilbo Baggins, aka Watson to Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock, as a father, along with his wife, that are on a boat on a river on the Australian outback, trying to find a home that is safe for their young infant daughter. And that’s basically all I can tell you story wise, other than you know that them being safe on a small tugboat ain’t going to last long. Just know that there is zombies along the way, along with some Aboriginal warriors and other Australian white folk that may be friends…or deadly foes. If you see that you can watch a trailer to see if this movie might have you hop over that deciding fence of yours, don’t. I think the trailer gives away too many of the surprises, twists, and turns this film has to offer.

The acting is what truly makes this zombie film stand out from all the rest of the crap you get in theaters and on television now. Martin Freeman is excellent as the father. Having a nine month old myself, when he is playing with his daughter and trying to comfort her, I got very emotional because it feels like what I try to do with my son every day. The cinematography is very good, seeing Australians lush landscape that can be either a absolute beauty or a absolute nightmare, depending on what the characters’ situations are.

My only one complain about this film, is that two of the characters near the beginning make really really awful stupid mistakes (but I guess if the mistakes were not made we wouldn’t have a story, but surely you could try to write two honest mistakes where it was no fault of the characters). One mistake I can’t literally figure out why this character would do something one character already did and succeeded in doing and there was no reason in doing it again. The other mistake I can forgive because of emotional detachment. You’ll figure out easily what these two mistakes are because they are within the first 30 minutes of the film. The film isn’t a masterpiece by any means, and I think this is a one and done watching experience for me, but I can tell you that if you are really into zombie movies/stories, and you are feeling that fatigue from the overdone Walking Dead series, this film might spark a little energy back into your obsession.

You know, sometimes I write a quick blurb about a movie or a television show that I watch before I write a review on here, just to see what kind of responses I get. Boy, am I glad I did it with 13 REASONS WHY SEASON 2. What was supposed to be a small critique about a show (basically saying that even though it in no way triumphed over the first season but was still very good in parts and ultimately was successful) that I think captures the actual realism of teen life withof course a splash of Hollywood tropes cooked in, almost turned into a debate on whether or not this show glorifies suicide, until I deleted all the comments that tried to do it. Why was I deleting comments? Because the people said that the show glorifies suicide actually hadn’t even watched the fucking show. If you watch the show and still think that, and can have evidence to back that up, that’s fine, but don’t say it does one thing just because you heard family, friends, students, etc. etc. etc. talk about it. Be a judge yourself and actually watch it, so that your opinion is valid and you can back it up with facts. In the long run, I don’t think a show of this caliber would even be let on the air if it tried to glorify a risky subject matter such as suicide. Doing that would be out right distasteful. I think the show is a huge cautionary tale on how dangerous suicide is and why it is never the answer if you are down in the dumps, depressed, and feel it is the only way out. The show screams, “GET HELP!” It shows not only how suicide effects your family, but your friends and the community around you. I know the fucking title says ’13 reasons why’ Hannah Baker did it, but if you care to actually watch the show, those reasons are all genuinely knocked down with the fact that there really wasn’t a good reason at all to do it. It doesn’t give validity to the why. Yes, the why is very painful to watch, even depressing, but it doesn’t say that yes, Hannah Baker made the right decision by killing herself. If you are reading that message from the show…I don’t know what to tell you. Especially Season 2. Season 2 gives a definite conclusion on Hannah Baker’s story/suicide, and the realistic attempt at saying whether she was in the wrong, whether the school was responsible, and whether her friends/enemies were responsible. Watch the show and see for yourself. It doesn’t glorify suicide, its message is pure anti. Hell, even click on the links where the producers even say they aren’t trying to glorify all that mess, that the whole thing is a cautionary tale. You can’t say that all these creators/producers are lying.

Plus these are fictional characters. Is this getting through to you at all? Anyway, here is a review of what I thought of Season 2 as a whole, without trying to convince you that it doesn’t glorify suicide:

The first season of this show is near fucking perfect. I didn’t have a child then, so I finished all the episodes in two days and I was captivated, shocked, saddened, yet had a little bit of hope that its beautiful message would reach a lot of people. And even though a lot of us didn’t want a Season 2, like myself, because the entire first season completely covered the book it was based on, due to the day and age we live in with ratings and money, money, moooooney….MONEY! And the fact they let several threads dangle, you knew there was going to be a season 2. And since last weekend, season 2 has been upon us. Is it as good as the first? Absolutely fucking not. HOWEVER, at times it does get pretty fucking close. If I were to give the first season an A or A+, I’d give this second season a B+, and certain episodes even a A-. Here’s a couple of reason(s) why it isn’t as good as the first season:

1. Fucking Ghost Hannah: If there was anything that the writers did completely wrong this season in not honoring the original material when going into unknown waters trying to write a sequel to the novel, it was the inclusion of Ghost Hannah Baker. Well, she isn’t exactly a ghost. Basically if you put it into simple terms, Clay can’t let go of her and her suicide so much that he creates her as a figment of his imagination, and instead of talking to himself or the audience, he talks to her throughout the season. The only thing that keeps this plot thread from completely ruining the entire season is Dylan Minnette’s performance as Clay. I know that Katherine Langford was the one that got all the recognition the first season with a Golden Globe nomination, but I dare says that Dylan’s performance as Clay is so much more complicated and better. He isn’t a perfect person, he has a couple of faults, but he is one of the most relatable characters in teen drama I have ever seen and I wish critics and everyone would give him a little bit more attention. After halfway thru the season, I got used to him talking to ghost Hannah, because the writers I think realized how stupid it was, and it happens less and less and less. Thank God.

2. Until Clay gives his testimony, the first half of the season is extremely fucking slow. But once Clay goes on the stand (this isn’t really a spoiler, you knew the show couldn’t get away with him not going on the stand), the show is as captivating as it was in the first season and at some points even surpasses it, such as when Derek Luke, who plays the counselor, goes on the stand.

3. Some of the dialogue is a little too preachy and spelled out things a little too much at times. And honestly, that’s probably because they had to expand of the book since this was going into unknown territory and the writers can’t literally create the same dialogue magic that the novel did.

And those all my complaints. Basically just Ghost Hannah was the main problem, and since that was in there nearly every episode, it drug it down a bit, but the rest of it was just as heartbreaking to watch as the first season was. The acting all over the board is still superb….*sigh* yes, even Katherine Langford as Ghost Hannah.

In the end, if you don’t think you can handle the show, don’t watch it. I get that some of you can’t or don’t want to. My review isn’t trying to convince you to. There are some things that are too hard to watch for some people, and I get that. Especially the last episode in both seasons. There are two scenes, that I won’t spoil here, one in season one episode 13 and one in season two episode 13, that might upset some people. It’s harsh, but that is what the filmmakers are trying to convey, it’s a harsh fucking world. And we need to take a deep look into how we can make it better.

But you can’t say the show glorifies suicide when you haven’t even watched the show. That’s just being ignorant. If you’ve watched the show and have facts to back it up, I am more than willing to listen, but if you hear from the grapevine that the show is something, and you haven’t even bothered to take a look yourself, sorry to say, your opinion to me is invalid.

Sorry for the harsh critique here. This one is once in a blue moon for me. I love 13 Reasons Why. If you don’t, that is perfectly okay. But don’t go saying shit if you haven’t even watched it yet. That’s just getting yourself into trouble. Just like I can’t say Overboard or Mamma Mia 2 is absolute shit. I haven’t seen either of them yet. I can say it looks like shit therefore I won’t see it, but I can’t say it is shit yet. Get what I’m saying?

I’m just going to set this straight for the record, if ANY of you think SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY has more depth, energy, and stamina than either Empire, A New Hope, or Last Jedi, I won’t exactly disown you, but don’t ever tell me your opinion on a film again, because I am more than likely will not believe it. No, Solo isn’t a bad movie, in fact, I thought it was a tad bit better than the very underwhelming (with repeat viewings) Rogue One. Why can’t we have a Star Wars Story other than the original and sequel trilogy where we have no idea of even an inkling how it is going to go? I guess they can do that with the recently announced Boba Fett film, but ONLY IF IT TAKES PLACE AFTER THE SARLAAC PIT. But yeah, we need more originality with these spin offs. They lack the depth, intensity, and uniqueness of this new sequel trilogy. It even lacks all those things when it comes to the canonical novels, comics, and television shows, and even those take place in a timeline we’ve seen before! But I digress, SOLO isn’t terrible by any means. I know that this has been said to death, but it is a completely unnecessary Star Wars film, even if it is decently entertaining throughout the entire film.

But just entertaining films can sometimes be forgettable. The only way I truly know how to compare Solo to the other Star Wars stuff you’ve seen or read is to compare it to the only other spin off we have thus far (unless you count the beyond and above all shitty Clone Wars animated movie that hit theaters a decade ago), Rogue One. Yeah, I know you are probably shocked I don’t think much of Rogue One anymore. I put it #3 on my top ten list of 2016, and I wish I hadn’t. With repeat viewings, Rogue One doesn’t even come close to greatness. It has a couple of great scenes, (the only truly memorable one being the 2 minute Vader scene at the very end of the film), but that film, when viewed closely has absolutely no characterization. When all those characters meet their fates near the end of the film, I just didn’t really care who lived or who died. And that’s not good for a movie. Rogue One, in my sometimes outlandish opinion, is just a retcon film. If you don’t know what retconning is, look it up. All of Rogue One was just to say, hey, this flaw in the Death Star here, it wasn’t an Imperial mistake, and here’s why. Plus, CGI Grand Moff Tarkin…yikes.

Anyway, enough about Rogue One, I’m here to talk about Solo right? The difference between the two is that while Solo has a ho-hum story and MacGuffin, just like Rogue One had, Solo has characterization going for it. I cared about most of the characters in this, even the ones that are brand new to the universe. I’m glad that Alden Ehrenreich didn’t just do a Harrison Ford impression and kind of made the character his own, with a few of Ford’s quirks thrown in for good measure. I thought he was believable and did a very good job with the shoes he had to fill. Same goes for Donald Glover. While he wasn’t the scene stealing showman I thought he was going to be in this, he nonetheless makes Lando Calrissian his own while not outright copying Billy Dee Williams. And like the rest of the society, yes, I would’ve rather just seen a Lando movie with Donald Glover as the star than this. And holy shit let’s get to Emilia Clarke. This is the first project outside of Game of Thrones that I have seen where I actually liked her and enjoyed her performance. Makes me wash the bad taste of Terminator Genisys out of my mouth. Woody Harrelson does a good job as always, so does Thandie Newton, so does Phoebe-Waller Bridge as Lando’s robot L3. The real scene stealer of the movie is Chewbacca. This is the best use of Chewbacca since Empire Strikes Back, easily. The only really wasted person here is Paul Bettany. He has limited screen time and while he was okay, I expected more out of him as the villain.

Let’s see, where too next. Ah yes. The story. I won’t ruin the ultimate arc but let’s just say it is really underwhelming. They use a Energy MacGuffin to make some sort of hybrid western/heist film, and while some parts of it was entertaining, it really lacked and depth or perspective to really care whether they finished the job or not. None of the action scenes are really that memorable, the closest one being the moving train part of the heist. Part of the movie’s problem is the prequel problem. In two hours and 15 minutes the film tries to cram too much origin into this origin story. We get Han meeting Chewie, Lando, while also having a love story with Emilia Clarke. Han is supposed to win the Millennium Falcon, get his infamous blaster, and also make the Kessel Run in less that twelve parsecs. Whew, that’s a lot and the movie kind of displays how a little bit too crammed it all feels. Do any of you remember the first twenty minutes of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with River Phoenix and him playing a Young Indiana Jones? And in that twenty minutes we learn how Indy gets his fedora, scar on lip, whip, fear of snakes, all in the span of one tiny adventure? It was overload, and the movie finally gets great right after that scene ends. Character development and where they get or obtain everything that makes the person we know and love today doesn’t happen with the snap of your fingers. It should take more time. While the Solo movie is more than just 20 minutes of origin, it still feels crammed and with the snap of your fingers.

Let’s get back to the action. I said the train heist was probably the most memorable thing about the film, but you know what should have been and wasn’t? The Kessel Run. That infamous line uttered by Han in A New Hope to display just how great and fast his ship really should be memorable. It isn’t. I won’t ruin anything about the run, but suffice to say you don’t see all that much, it’s too dark, and it is too fast. It should’ve been a race, kind of like the pod racing sequence in Episode 1. If Episode 1 did anything correctly other than Dark Maul, Ewan McGregor, Liam Neeson and the last lightsaber fight, it was that awesome pod racing sequence. But nope, that isn’t what the Kessel Run is and I couldn’t help but feeling disappointed. Even though it wasn’t a race it could’ve been more exciting and memorable.

Now, remember how I said Rogue One’s best and most memorable scene is the Vader scene near the end of the film? Well, this one has a 2 minute scene like that, except it has no action. It is the best scene in the film, and it is also near the end. This one 2 minute scene brings together and acknowledges all the canon television shows and novels that some of us Star Wars fanatics have watched and read since 2015 when the Expanded Universe Started over (except for the Clone Wars television show, that, with the prequels, were the only pre 2015 things that were kept in canon.) It acknowledges the things beyond the films, and it really made me happy and smile. I won’t ruin anything, but YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY KNOW WHEN THIS SCENE HAPPENS. It unmistakably brilliant. You might just write it off as a fan service cameo, but it is so much more than that to people like me, you have no idea.

So while I didn’t care much about the story, the movie is still a little fun and entertaining to be sure. It isn’t terrible and it isn’t the train wreck it could’ve been. It is Ron Howard’s best film since Cinderella Man easily. I’ve found him to be on autopilot for the past decade but in this, he shows some of his old visual flair that he is known for. It looks like he really wanted to work on this, and it shows. Now I’ve heard that 70% of the film is his and the other 30% is footage that the infamously fired directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller shot. There are some scenes where I though, ok, this is definitely Lord and Miller, looks like improv here, but other than that, everything felt pretty seamless, as it should. You don’t know how badly this could’ve been a disaster. And while it is a completely unnecessary film, I can see myself watching it a couple of more times, and that ain’t bad.

So I had a bad feeling about this but came out with an “ok, not so bad” feeling. This film won’t make my top ten at the end of the year, but that’s okay, I didn’t really expect it to this time. The characterization tips this one over the edge for Rogue One for me. It might or might not for you, but like I said, if you think this is better than the original trilogy or Last Jedi, you probably need to stop watching Star Wars, or at least telling me your opinion about the saga. I’m really just happy it wasn’t a trainwreck, but I’m really hoping in the future that these Star Wars Stories/Spinoffs have more depth and substance than this or Rogue One, or it is going to get very tiring, very fast. Lightspeed fast.

Holy Maximum Effort, Batman! It is possibly true that a comedy action sequel could be better than its predecessor? In the case of DEADPOOL 2, yes…yes it is. Deadpool 2 is leagues and leagues beyond better than the first film, which honestly, to be truthful, was not that hard of a feat (but we’ll get to the reason why later). This film is laugh out loud hilarious from beginning to end. Consistently funny, with hardly any rough patches in between. The action is better than the first, the jokes are better than the first, and Ryan Reynolds seems to be having a lot more fun and lets loose knowing that the film will probably be a hit no matter what the reviews say (the reviews are actually good and some confirm that yes, their opinions match mine and it is better than the first one. But here’s my controversial statement of the day: the first Deadpool doesn’t really hold up in repeat viewings.

Yeah I know, you are like, “what the fuck Zach? how can you say that?” Well, it is just my opinion. It is completely okay if you are deeply in love with the first movie. Upon my first viewing, I really really liked the film and maybe could call it something as love? But repeat viewings tended to bother me. Not the jokes, the jokes were still good and all the meta humor hits bullseye after bullseye. It was the story and substance that doesn’t hold up. The whole first movie takes place basically around one action set piece, and that action set piece was done before in the test footage that Ryan Reynolds did for Fox awhile ago, which leaking it actually got the movie greenlit from Fox from the overwhelming response from those that viewed it. My problem was, why did they replicate the test footage? They couldn’t have done something new? And honestly, it is fine that they replicated it, however the whole movie revolves around that one scene and keeps going back to it and it gets kind of tiring. Sure, you have a warehouse/bad guy hideout fire naked fight scene at the beginning and the whole docking station/ship climax, but those were really ho-hum and kind of anti climatic. Don’t get me wrong, I still watch the first Deadpool every now and again because I have a lot of friends that love it. It just hasn’t quite held up as much when I first watched it.

Deadpool 2 is a different animal. You get 5 to 6 action set pieces, and every single one of them are better than the first movie. The movie has a better story overall. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil it here. I’ll just say that I loved how the story integrated Cable, The X-Force, a story about family (really surprised they didn’t do a Vin Diesel joke about it), and moral obligations. I liked how the movie toyed with your expectations in the trailers and television spots. Kind of like The Last Jedi, this movie doesn’t go the way you think, there are some VERY surprising moments in the film, all of them “what in the holy shit balls moments” that you won’t see coming, all of them with satisfying payoffs. The jokes were better here as well. There are some movie critics that are critizing the movie for having too many “meta jokes.” I disagree. I think it has maybe as much as the first, if not fewer. And they are much funnier here.

Everything about this movie is better than first, even the opening credits, which while the first one was hilarious and unique, I prefer this one better. Oh, and the movie has the best closing mid-credits sequences I have ever seen. I was laughing till I was crying. The sequel is directed not by Tim Miller from the first movie, but David Leitch, of John Wick and Atomic Blonde fame. He is honestly a better action director, and it shows. The sequences are fun, exciting, and outright tense and/or disgusting. It looked like he had fun with the cast. Ryan Reynolds is a charming son of a bitch, and I don’t think he’ll give up this role for a long time. He was born for this and his performance compliments that notion. Josh Brolin is also perfect as Cable. He plays it completely serious and straight with maybe only one or two jokes that completely clash with Deadpool well to get some comedic heaven type moments. Morena Beccarin, Blind Al, and the now controversial T.J. Miller were fine in the small screentime they both had as returning characters. And newcomer (minus his standout performance in Hunt for the Wilderpeople) is great as the kid Russell, but the real standout for me here Zazie Beetz as Domino. Zazie is from Atlanta fame (which I don’t watch but will soon) and in here, she is funny, steals every scene and is sexy as hell. Apparently they did reshoots in the movie with her because test audiences wanted more and didn’t feel she was in the movie enough. Whatever they added, I’m glad they did as she was my favorite part in this.

Anyway, if you are reading this and haven’t seen the movie yet…what the fuck are you doing? Go and see it. You even being mildly interested in what I have to say means that you want to see the movie. You don’t need my opinion to sway you. You either love the character Deadpool or you don’t. It’s that simple. If you didn’t like the first movie at all because of the crude humor, you definitely won’t like this. If you loved the first movie, I hope that you’ll love this movie even more. Ryan Reynolds has been saying there might not be a Deadpool 3 and that we’ll get right to an X-Force movie. I hope this isn’t true. It’s true that I do want an X-Force movie, but I would also like a 3 to end the trilogy, even though after this film, I don’t want the series to ever end. Best Maximum Effort I’ve seen in a comedy action sequel in a long time!

Another negative review, for that I am sorry,
But I am about to bash the new film LIFE OF THE PARTY.
It stars Melissa McCarthy as a mom going back to college,
Her daughter in tow, archaeology part of her knowledge,
To be blunt, the movie isn’t funny,
The son of a bitch stole my time and my money,
I know it was geared towards Mother’s Day weekend,
But with only Breaking In, the film lineup was quite thinned,
But I’m not giving Hollywood the benefit of the doubt,
They know better than this shit, need to take a different route.

What blindsides me even more is the writers and director,
It was McCarthy herself, bringing her husband as a connector,
But those two have proven their collaborative efforts are crap,
With Tammy and The Boss being before, Admiral Ackbar screaming “It’s a Trap!”
The film is entirely ad-libbed, scenes going on for far too long,
It’s like they only had a two page script, hoping they could do no wrong,
But the ad-libbing doesn’t work if the chemistry isn’t there,
All the characters one dimensional, very dull and very square,
The conversation and banter didn’t make a whole lot of sense,
Trying to use cliched confrontations to make funny situations tense.

Gillian Jacobs didn’t seem to want to be there, taking just her paycheck,
She probably read the script beforehand, knew it was a clear train wreck.
The only actress that had any energy was SNL’s Maya Rudolph,
But she was barely in it, only there to yell and chew heads off,
Melissa McCarthy does nothing new here, just the same old clueless character,
One though that isn’t rude or crude, hoping that the audience will register
It didn’t work for me, it could for you, if you brought your daughter or Mom,
But males in general won’t get anything out of this film, we know its a bomb,
I’m glad that McCarthy and Ben Falcone are keeping their marriage together,
But next time stay out of the movies, try S&M with a whip made of leather.

TULLY has an ending that completely ruins the film and what came before it. I am not going to ruin this ending for you people reading this that actually still want to see it. I won’t even hint at the ending, because if I mention even one movie it reminded me of that basically did the same thing, it would completely give it away. Let’s just say that a bunch of movies have had this ending, and two I can think of worked well for it, and the rest haven’t. I will put Tully easily in the rest that haven’t category. It undermines everything logical the movie was trying to say about motherhood and how extremely fucking difficult it is. Even with that ending, the film also was a little boring and pointless, other than Charlize Theron’s excellent performance (the only reason to mainly watch it, and Theron never phones that shit in). It’s just disappointing that another Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody collaboration didn’t work.

In fact, with director Jason Reitman’s career, in my eyes, he has really only made three great films: Thank You For Smoking, Juno, and Up In the Air, the latter two being masterpieces to me. Everything else that had come after, such as Labor Day, Men, Women, and Children, and Young Adult have been ho hum affairs at best. Tully might be his worst film for me, and it really does pain me to say that, and it is all because of that fucking stupid ass ending. However, I really blame one hit wonder Diablo Cody (she won an Oscar for Juno). For the first 3/4ths of the film, Diablo Cody has a completely relevant and important message about motherhood and what it does to families and the environment surrounding them. Just those last 15 minutes…fuck, it messes up that message to the extreme. I really want to tell you what this ending is….and again I won’t (just message me privately if you really want to know), but I will give you one more clue: pay really close attention to the film with characters and their interactions and you could probably figure it out, like I did, around half an hour in.

The movie is about Charlize Theron about to have and having a third child with her husband, played by Ron Livingston. Livingston’s character brings in the bacon and clearly loves his kids, but he is gone out of town because of work alot and when he gets into bed he plays video games until he passes out. Don’t worry, the movie doesn’t spring up that he’s been cheating on Theron the entire time, he is just utterly clueless about her pains in trying to be a great mother, he is actually a sympathetic character and father. Anyway, Charlize Theron gets overwhelmed, so on the advice of her brother she hires a “night nanny.” This night nanny, played well by MacKenzie Davis, basically takes care of the baby at night and watches her while mommy and daddy can get sleep or do other things that they need to do. Theron and Davis end up sharing a bond that teaches both of them things about life they never would’ve learned other wise.

Based on some context clues in that paragraph, you could possibly figure out this ending. And when I say this ending undermines every message, piece of dialogue, and every plot point that came before, I do have specific examples. But if I gave up those examples, I’d have to give up the ending. And I won’t. Just believe me when I say it is one of those “what was the point of everything really before then?” kind of movie moments. Charlize Theron does give one hell of a commanding performance though, and if you want to watch it, she’ll keep you awake. I’ve always loved Charlize Theron as an actress, I think she is incredible in everything that she does. And she’s incredible here, I just wish it was a different movie.

Jason Reitman’s direction is fine, because he always gets great performances out of his lead actors, but like I said, he has made much much much better films. So I’m only giving him 20% of the blame, and that 20% of the blame is that he didn’t ask Diablo Cody to come up with something different at the end to make it a tighter, better, and non eye rolling feature. She and her screenplay make up the other 80% of the blame. Reitman needs to go back to writing and directing his own screenplays,  and maybe he can get back to Up In The Air quality again. Diablo Cody…it’s time to stick a fork in her, I believe I don’t want to see anything she has written again.