I only have 3 movies left to see to finalize my top 20 list: The Post, Phantom Thread, and Hostiles. I have a pretty damn good feeling none of them will end up on my worst list. So I present to you, with a little rhyme poem for each one, my Top Ten Shittiest Films of 2017.
TURTLE HEAD THAT WON’T QUITE COME OUT:
TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT
Ever tried to squeeze a turd, 5th time so hard your vision’s blurred? Transformers 5 is that little stinker that just won’t drop, only reason it didn’t place is these next ten stunk so bad I just couldn’t crop, they need to stop.
10. A DOG’S PURPOSE
This movie made Sarah Sides cry, although it did not leave any tears in my eye, the treatment of animals is insanely rude, and the plot so bad and predictable I nearly booed.
9. THE BYE BYE MAN
This movie made no fucking sense, was this supposed to be a horror film because I didn’t once tense, acting so bad, made you wince, don’t even remember this film, had to look up that it even came out since.
Ever have that unforgettable shit, so God damn messy, an extra flush to try and make it split? Katherine Heigl can’t find a film to get back in the game, still on the hunt. Why she can’t find one? Well probably because she acts like a…
Amy Schumer finally found her real trainwreck, so obnoxious in this film, I’d rather be near the donkey to Shrek. Goldie Hawn was dragged into this to try and make the film a sell, writer Kate Dippold already ruined The Heat and Ghostbusters (2017), she honestly just needs to go to…
6. 47 METERS DOWN
This film creates the ultimate cinematic crime, you can’t do dream sequences anymore at the drop of a dime. It cheats the audience, brings fake tension to thee, to find the perfect shark film, just watch Jaws or Deep Blue Sea.
5. FIFTY SHADES DARKER
I’ll admit, I go to these movies to see the Dakota Johnson’s breasts, other than that these films fail multiple cinematic tests, it’s fan fiction for women that don’t know any better, name one good thing about this film, while I go sit on the shitter.
Dear God, did George Clooney’s twins completely numb his brain, to think he was making even a decent film, he must’ve been insane. This is easily the most tone deaf film of the year, if you think Donald Trump is worse, let me hand you this films beer.
3. THE SNOWMAN
They say that 15% of this film wasn’t even shot, and you can tell, trying to figure out what happened in between will give you a blood clot. Hollywood needs to take the time to bring its audience a finished vision, otherwise you have two trains, same track, opposite directions, ready for a collision.
2. THE EMOJI MOVIE
I proclaim this the worst children’s film in ages, it basically calls out dumb millenials from the deep dark depths of its really shitty script pages. Patrick Stewart plays a talking poop emoji for laughs, that’s all you need to know, the movie shows you its dick, asking desperately for you to blow.
I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE this film so much, it plays the “do you get it?” game a bunch, and it made me really want to fly Darren Arnonofsky down to me to show him my hard right punch. This is student film bukkake, the F cinema score made him sob, this feature is nothing more than him giving us a terrible egotistical hand job.