Maybe I should add the word mean on the title of my WordPress Blog & Facebook page because when something is really bad and I’m in the state that I’m in right now, I just feel like tearing it a new asshole. Since I did a little research on QUIBI they count all of their programming on their app ‘television episodes’ or ‘webisodes’ and so even though I reviewed The Fugitive, Most Dangerous Game, and The Strangers as movies, from now on I’m just bumping everything offered by Quibi down to TV Binge Watchin’ ones since they’ve been nominated for Emmy’s, which is a television award. I watched a couple of more Quibi offerings over the weekend, both DUMMY and DIE HART, and I figured that I’d maybe double up with some Quibi reviews from now on since the comedies aren’t as long as the drama/thrillers are. Both Dummy and Die Hart are 10 episodes, ranging from 5 minutes to 9 minutes each, but not over or under. If they were movies, the max runtime they would be are about 90 minutes, minimum 50, but since each episode briefly, around 30 seconds, recaps the episode previously, and considering that every episode doesn’t max out at 9 minutes, they both definitely require less attention from you than if you were to see a regular comedy in the theater. I would say both Dummy and Die Hart range from an 1 hour and 10 minutes to an hour and 20, maybe, the minimum at least a little over an hour for each.
What I’ve also discovered from Quibi is that they have what is called ‘rotating’ technology. That means that no matter how you look at your phone screen, this app is limited to mobile only surprisingly, the image will center on what you need to be focused on if you are holding your phone vertically. Me? I prefer to watch everything widescreen to get the most out of the image possible, but I’ve noticed sometimes that when flipping vertically, that if the widescreen cuts off at the torso, the vertical view will show legs and feet, albeit on the person talking, instead of seeing two characters both in the same shot if you were to just stick to widescreen. Anyway, let’s get past this semi-interesting Quibi trivia and actually review these things shall we? From my intro, you could’ve probably predicted that both Dummy and Die Hart are my two least favorite offerings from Quibi thus far, the latter being truly terribly awful because of one of the actors I can’t stand involved. DUMMY stars Anna Kendrick and Donal Logue and IMDB describes it in the following: “An aspiring writer befriends her boyfriend’s sex doll and the two take on the world together.” Die Hart stars Kevin Hart, Nathalie Emmanuel, Josh Hartnett, and John Travolta and IMDB describes it in the following: “Kevin Hart plays a fictionalized version of himself on a quest to land the action-movie role of a lifetime.” If either of the premises make you scrunch up your face in a “really?” type expression, I can confirm you are likely to keep that scrunched up face the whole time if you watch one or both of these.
Dummy, with Anna Kendrick, is definitely the better of the two, even though I didn’t care for it. It is the better of the two because Kendrick is a pretty decent actress (and I’ve always found her to be a weird kind of sexy) during all of the ten episodes, and I like how Donal Logue is actually playing the creator of Rick and Morty, Dan Harmon. It’s just that the sex doll being able to communicate with Kendrick, and it just ends up saying a bunch of dirty jokes and naughty words gest old very, very fast. And the dirty jokes and naughty words completely only make up the anatomy of what a sex doll has on it and what men can do to it. Crusty sperm, body type, worn out prosthetic vagina, you name it, this show has an unoriginal joke for it that doesn’t even get in the ballpark of smart writing. The plot is semi interesting because Kenrick’s character is trying to write this pilot and the doll actually helps her form a new idea and get the ball rolling instead of constantly having writers block. The conclusion of the story is very weird though, but maybe it was meant to be a cliffhanger since these are technically TV episodes right? The creator of this show, Cody Heller, is actually really engaged to Rick and Morty’s Dan Harmon, and to have him in this story, albeit played by a professional actor, is pretty cool, but Donal Logue doesn’t really act like Dan Harmon. I’ve seen interviews with Dan Harmon, as I’ve been a fan of him since Community, and he is much weirder than Logue portrays him. Gun to your head, if you have to watch either of these, choose this one, as you might chuckle a little like I did.
Where I didn’t chuckle at all (alright fine, maybe once or twice only in webisode 7 of 10) was Die Hart. Truly fucking stupid and truly fucking awful. It would’ve been kind of cool if this premise was meant to be taken seriously and Kevin Hart was really trying to become an action star. But it’s just Kevin Hart being Hart as usual, and to me, usual for him is just screaming all of his fucking lines for laughs with no jokes, and acting like he doesn’t have a clue. John Travolta of course over acts in this (interestingly this role was written for Bruce Willis as himself but he turned it down, Travolta plays an original character) and they get the most screen time, so you can probably imagine what a slog this was to get through. Especially when the webisodes play up the “is this really happening or is this all scripted and planned by Travolta in his characters world?” type scenario. A really odd scene with Jean Reno near the end of one of the first batch of webisodes cooks the shows’ goose really fast (why didn’t they save that for an end reveal), and it is very easy to predict exactly how it was going to end. So during the journey to get to that predictable ending, I was constantly rolling my eyes. The only two celebrities in this that are going to be unscathed are Nathalie Emmanuel and Josh Hartnett. Josh Hartnett plays a fictionalized version of himself, and his bits are the only couple of things, in one out of 10 webisodes mind you, that made me chuckle (and also a blink and you’ll miss it reference back to him at the very end of the series). He wasn’t afraid to poke fun at some of his ‘action’ career and there was a pretty great Hollywood Homicide joke that made me chuckle pretty hard. Nathalie Emmanuel, while she acted like she wanted to be in this and did the best job she could with a very under written character, she’s unscathed for me here…well because she’s just so damn fine to look at. Only reason why I didn’t quit the series. From Game of Thrones to some of the Fast and Furious movies, to this, she is very, very easy on the eyes. Absolutely beautiful. She was the very tiny gold nugget you would find if you were to sift through all 10 shitty episodes in one sitting. I hope Die Hart doesn’t get renewed for a second season and dies fast.