Look, this review is only going to be two to three (with a conclusion) paragraphs. Because this is the ultimate “if you tell me any spoilers before I see this thing I’ll fucking kill you” kind of movie. If anyone intentionally tries to ruin AVENGERS INFINITY WAR for you, they should be, and I’m not going to put this lightly, shot and killed. So let’s be quick about this right now. Avengers Infinity War beats Civil War as my favorite Marvel Cinematic Universe movie and it is yes, of course, my favorite film of 2018 so far.

The pacing in the movie is near perfection. The balancing of all the characters (excluding a couple they must be saving for next years Avengers 4) we have seen for the past ten years, is damn near perfect. The acting from all the actors playing Earth’s Mightiest Heroes hasn’t skipped a beat either. Amazing. There are surprise cameos and yes…they are delicious. The action. Oh dear God the action. If you think the airport scene in Civil War is the best action set piece we’ve ever gotten from an MCU film, prepared to have your mind changed. It is really hard to believe the Russo brothers, the directors of this film, got their start by directing episodes of Community. Yes, THAT Community, from the co-creator of Rick and Morty.

Thanos is tied with Erik Killmonger as best MCU villain for me, and maybe everyone at Marvel Studios has finally gotten their shit together and have solved the villain problem (we’ll see in future movies, but two in a row ain’t fucking bad). Josh Brolin brings humanity to a mo-cap CGI character I never thought would be possible. I actually felt like he was a threat. Thanos makes DC’s Steppenwolf his bitch a million times over. And the ending to Infinity War….And uh…yeah well that’s about all I can say huh? If I had any ‘meh’ moments they would only be a couple of the relationships, like Thanos and Gamora or Vision and Scarlet Witch needed to be fleshed out a tiny bit more or that even while I found cameo kind of funny with its initial joke, the acting was a little iffy, but I can’t go too much into it for fear of spoilers.

So that’s it! Of course I recommend this film, how could I not? Go see it! I’m sure you already have your tickets and will help it break box office records! It deserves to! Avengers Infinity War was definitely worth the ten year wait. It makes Justice League look like the single most piece of shit team up film ever made. After this, the DCEU just needs to…go away quietly into that sweet, sweet Marvel night.

Happy Avengers Day Everyone! I am going to make 10 very precise predictions on what happens in Avengers Infinity War. Please note: I HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE YET! And I haven’t read any spoilers, I’ve only seen the trailers, tv spots, and the good Rotten Tomatoes score number online. That is it! So while I could be wrong on my predictions, I could be right, and I guess my predictions could turn into spoilers. So be warned. I have not seen the movie, and I’m gathering context clues from what I’ve seen and the upcoming Marvel MCU Movie Slate. I will tally up my score after this weekend and after I’ve seen the movie.

#1: Loki is going to die. This is easy considering the ending of Ragnarok, Tom Hiddleston saying that Infinity War was his last contractually obligated movie, and the fact you only see him once in the trailer and in none of the promotional materials. Sorry ladies, Tom Hiddleston may be a hot catch, but you will no longer see him in a Marvel film unless the 2nd movie undoes some of what you see in this one. But I think this death will ultimately stick.

#2. The film will defy expectations and neither Tony Stark, Thor, or Captain America is going to die. We have an Avengers movie coming out next year, this is rumored to be a two parter even though the Russo brothers say that this is a self contained movie, and I don’t think Marvel would let their contract run out on the three of them before being in one last Avengers film. If they die, it won’t be until 2019. Now the next movie is rumored to involve some kind of inter dimensional/time travel/event undoing sort of plot line, so I could be wrong and one of them dies, but my guess is that all three won’t.

#3. Vision probably dies. Sorry, but we’ve seen him yell in the trailers and tv spots while some kind of septor is touching the Infinity Stone on his head, and we can probably guess that at some point Thanos gets all the Infinity Stones, because Avengers 4 couldn’t have an epic conclusion without him at least partially succeeding. 4 could also undo this death based on the inter dimensional/time travel/even undoing, but with Loki, I feel like this death will ultimately stick.

#4. Thanos lives to see Avengers 4. Why have the ultimate villain you’ve been building up ten years for and have him parish in just one movie? No, Thanos will live to see Avengers 4. Easily.

#5. This prediction revolves around the Reality Stone, so my thing on this could be a stretch. If you don’t know, the Reality Stone grants the user their wishes, even if it isn’t backed by scientific law. I believe Thanos will get his hands on this stone and wish Earth Mightiest Heroes he doesn’t think are dead, out of existence. I think he will succeed in this and heroes will end up dying or disappearing. HOWEVER, I think this will just be to emotionally gut punch the audience. In the 4th movie, I bet the wishes are reversed if Thanos loses the stone, which he probably will eventually, but not this movie. So expect to see some heroes die or disappear, yes, even Black Panther, but don’t expect it to last because of the Reality Stone’s laws and the fact there is a 4th Avengers next year.

#6. I think the post credits scenes has to do with Captain Marvel in some way. Here’s why: there are two movies between Avengers Infinity War and Avengers 4. And that is Ant Man and The Wasp and Captain Marvel. Ant Man and The Wasp is confirmed to be between Civil War and Infinity War, so I don’t think having Paul Rudd showing up in an after credits sequence would be that exciting. And Captain Marvel is confirmed to be a prequel to all the MCU movies except the first Captain America. And Brie Larson is rumored to show up in Avengers 4. So I bet the post credit scene involves her, maybe her seeing what is happening via news or someone calling her, and she’ll come to the rescue in Avengers 4.

#7. We won’t see Ant-Man or Hawkeye in this. The Russo brothers say that Hawkeye has an important part to play, but I don’t think it will be until Avengers 4. Paul Rudd and Jeremy Renner haven’t been in any promotional material for Infinity War (they have been with Entertainment WeekIy but EW was treating the 10 years as if Avengers 4 is part of the story) Also, like I said above Ant-Man and the Wasp takes place before Infinity War, so Ant-Man and the Wasp won’t show up in a Avengers movie until Avengers 4. Maybe Hawkeye has a cameo in Ant-Man and the Wasp? Who knows? But don’t expect Jeremy Renner or Paul Rudd to be in this.

#8. Either Gamora or Nebula dies. More Nebula maybe. Probably because she takes on her father alone and her own rage and not being able to focus because of it will get her killed trying to kill her father. I am guessing Gamora based on the fact that we don’t see her in the trailers and tv spots much, and that she isn’t with Chris Pratt in the stuff we have seen. However if Gamora is killed, her death might be reversed come Avengers 4. I don’t see a Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 without her being in it. So Gamora for shock value if it happens and she’ll be back in 4, but if Nebula dies here, it will stick.

#9: I will like the movie a lot but it probably won’t be my favorite MCU film and it probably won’t be my favorite film of the year.

#10: Prediction #9 leads into #10: I am hoping that Thanos has some more of a arc than just wanting to destroy and rule the galaxy, but I’m betting that isn’t the case. That is going to be his only goal, and that will end up me being disappointed just a tad. The action, acting, and spectacle will make up for it. But if Thanos has a grander, huge plan, than it might be the greatest Marvel movie yet, but I seriously doubt it.

 

And that’s it folks. You can tally up my score after I see the movie!

Let’s get this straight on you would be filmmakers/movie lovers out there: It doesn’t matter if you have one of the greatest upbeat messages in the world combined with two really good actresses at the forefront of your project, if you screenplay sucks, your movie is going to suck. That is the case with I FEEL PRETTY, where the first half of the film is light, enjoyable, and chuckle worthy, but the last half is absolutely stupid and horrendous, falling into many pitfalls that so many movies have done before it. Thus, it makes the movie unbearable to ever watch again. And the movie does have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful message. Not to just women, to anyone with self image or self esteem issues or victims up body shaming or a combination of them all. But a message doesn’t make a movie. I’m sorry, it doesn’t.

I just can’t believe the filmmakers had this wonderful premise (even though you could completely argue that it is basically a remake of BIG, with a self image twist; I did like that the movie basically recognized that fact and made fun of it at a chuckle worthy scene) and completely fucked it up. A girl (played wonderfully and with such vivacity by Amy Schumer) with body/self esteem/what have you issues, hits her head and she think she’s sees herself as this gorgeous woman (even though everyone else sees her the same as she was) and her confidence is so heightened to the point of she gets everything that she has been dreaming/wishing for. You can make a great, great movie out of that, even though the “what if?” premise is kind of familiar.

And I was slowly getting into the movie being a passable one time watch, cute little what if chick flick. But then the second act comes along, and just butt fucks everything to death. Does any of this sound familiar? Her confidence eventually causes conflict between her and her old friends. She gets a dorky guy near the beginning of the film but is tempted by the hot brother of the magazine owner she works for, leading to a very predictable and unnecessary love triangle. She finds a way to hit her head again only when the plot needs it and loses her vision of herself as beautiful and loses her confidence. But then she realizes she had the confidence inside her self all along, yada yada yada, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

All of that is screenwriting 101. If you want to make original films and not have every audience member and every critic out there shit all over your films, you cannot go by that book anymore. You could get away with it up until the millennium. Now if you do it, it is unforgivable and looked on as lazy and incompetent. There HAS to have been a way to come to the same conclusion without writing cliche after cliche after cliche of shit we have seen time and time and time again. People come up with interesting twists on genres all the time, why couldn’t they have here? It is as if the screenwriters had this idea, and then decided to watch Big, and then just ripped off every conflict and story beat it had. IT IS THE EXACT SAME MOVIE BUT WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PREMISE!

The message I still like though. And also, Amy Schumer and Michelle Williams almost make the movie worth watching. This is a step up from Schumer’s last movie Snatched, but now I’m starting to think that after Trainwreck, she might be a one hit wonder. My suggestions for her is to go back to writing screenplays herself and then starring in them. Trainwreck was wonderful, why hasn’t she kept the writing up? I can forgive her because she didn’t write this or the trainwreck that was Snatched, shouldn’t this be the hint that she needs to go back to her computer and crank out a new, original comedy? Michelle Williams is the best part of this film, and if you want to watch it, it would only be for her weird, awkward, hilarious performance. I think she just wanted to take a break from all the bleak and somber drama films she’s been doing lately and just let loose and have fun. It shows here how much fun she had and how much of an incredible actress she still is. I can’t believe she was on Dawson’s Creek.

And way I feel that I will never ever watch I Feel Pretty ever again. If I do see it, it will be in clips on You Tube of Michelle Williams zany performance. I went into this movie because my wife wanted to see it and I think the model turned actress Emily Ratajowski is pretty hot (warning, even though she is third or fourth billed she is in only like three small scenes). I had low expectations, and this film didn’t even near reach them. And I’m really disappointed because, like I’m going to say for the 100th time, it really does have a great message at it’s core. With movies, we expect them to be like Tootsie Pops, you lick until you get to the treat at the center.  But, like here, if that Tootsie Pop was made of shit and you had to lick, lick, and lick to get to the golden wonderful center…would you even bother taking off the wrapper?

 

 

“Chappa-what?” is what you are saying. Well, this film is about to leave theatres (in all but Cinemark West Plano tomorrow) to move over for Avengers Infinity War, so this review won’t be long. CHAPPAQUIDDICK is about the incident that occured in 1969 on Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts where Senator Ted Kennedy drove his car negligently off a one lane bridge, it fell into the tidal channel upside down, he escaped, but the single lady 28 year old passenger did not survive. Kennedy failed to report the accident for a full 12 hours, right before authorities found the young lady’s body inside the vehicle. The way they found her body, there were two conflicting reports, one say she died of suffocation inside the air bubble she had in the car, saying she didn’t die inside the vehicle for several hours after landing in the tidal channel and could have been saved if Kennedy had just reported it. Another claim she died of drowning.

He was a married man, and no one exactly knew what Kennedy and her were driving around doing. It turned into a national known scandal because of the circumstances. Was it really a accident? Why didn’t he report it sooner? Were they having an affair and he drove off to intentionally kill her? The timeline of his actions following the accident are hazy at best. Some believe it was the reason why Ted Kennedy never became President. There are still a bunch of questions about the incident and no one really knows what happens except Ted Kennedy, the girl, and God, and Ted Kennedy took whatever happened to his grave.

Well anyway, there is a movie about it now. The film doesn’t really answer any of the questions. It simply has the very underrated and fantastic Jason Clarke reenact most of what happened according to his written and oral statements, and then gives a scene or two of possible conjecture and what ifs. I wish they would’ve made the movie twenty minutes longer and really put the conjectures and what ifs to the test. The movie basically does show us how powerful the Kennedy name was by showing us how this incident was basically covered up to no end by Kennedy and his father’s group of very power politicians and men, so much so that all he did was plead guilty for leaving the scene of an accident and got two months jail sentence that was ultimately suspended. While Kennedy didn’t end up being President, he still had a very lengthy and successful career as a Senator, and some of you may very well know.

The movie is actually quite good, and it’s mainly because of the acting. Jason Clarke, who you may know as the protagonist in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes or many other low key roles, is excellent here as Ted Kennedy. I didn’t know Ted Kennedy much as a human being, but Jason Clarke completely rips away his own acting persona and becomes and actual conflicting character, one you don’t know whether to sympathize with or truly loathe. Kate Mara plays Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman that dies in the accident. She isn’t in the movie much but Mara plays her well. The two stand outs here are Ed Helms as Joe Gargan and Jim Gaffigan as Paul F. Markham, close friends and advisers to Ted. To see their dramatic acting side when known for mostly comedy is so jarring that your jaw just drops to see how good they are here.

But yeah, there isn’t much more to say. The movie is interesting because of the story and cover up. It is at least a very decent one time watch, just to see the length of the cover up of the whole incident was. This sort of thing nowadays, no way would Kennedy just skirt by with his actions. Today, he would be on trial for months, telecast to the world. The movie is a great indicator on how times have changed and that you can’t really get away with stuff like that anymore. The film is also an interesting character study on how our actions can change and affect almost anything. However, you could just read about this incident on Wikipedia and skip the movie. But with the descriptions on Wikipedia, the film did an accurate job of what was accounted for. So, you avid movie goer, the choice is yours.

I’m just going to break the ice, I think SUPER TROOPERS 2 is better than the original movie. I really do like the original movie (albeit I think it is still maybe a tad overrated), and I still think Beerfest is the best Broken Lizard film. I could go into a bunch of shenanigans about how comedy sequels rarely work, list the handful that do, and explain why they work, but I’ve done that kind of review before and am not going to do it again (I might touch up on it if Deadpool 2 turns out to be amazing). Here, I’m just going to tell you WHY I thought this one was better than the first, hopefully with valid reasons to you, the reader, and without divulging any of the really funny jokes. And I did this all without smoking any weed of any kind (I never have in my life, never have even tried a cigarette). So here we go with my first WTF comment:

If you rewatch the original Super Troopers, it is safe to say (and my friend Daniel pointed out to me right before seeing it) that the only the first 20 minutes of the movie are really funny and memorable, with small dashes of the minor skits of “meow” and the whole Farva/Burger incident along with it. While I still do really like the movie, it is more of a miss than hit affair. Time has been kind to the first film, as when I first saw it, I laughed at the first 20 minutes and was wondering why I wasn’t the last hour and ten minutes not so much. But just like Anchorman, Zoolander, and Cable Guy, multiple viewings is a must to bring a cult classic palette to your movie watching tongue.

With Super Troopers 2, I was consistently laughing throughout the entire thing. Don’t get me wrong, there are still some misses in this film and no, the beginning of 2 doesn’t even near kick the snosberries out from under the original, but the rest of the film does. While it doesn’t repeat any of the jokes from the original, a la the Austin Power movies, the crazy hijinks that they all get into were more hit than miss in this one (although there are one or two nods to the original jokes, but no outright re doing). There is this hilarious bit in where two of our lovable highway patrol men are dressed up as the Canadian border/highway troopers and use French accents to make ordinary words sound like dirty ones that had the whole audience on the floor.

The plot? It is just a means to an end. It’s kind of like the first one, drug related again, but the who-dun-it is sort of different. Basically, the guys are now doing different jobs like construction and what not because they were fired from their regular policing gig they got at the end of the first film because of a “Fred Savage incident” (stay a little bit into the credits to see what hilarity happened with the kid from The Wonder Years and Princess Bride). However, due to some weird ancestral border markers being moved or something like that, a little part of Canada is being moved into United States territory, so for some reason the mayor rehires them to replace the Canadian troopers and transition everyone and everything into the new United States territory. Sounds weird and messed up right? But it is actually hilarious. A bonkers off the wall plot just to merit there being an actual sequel to the first movie, where you get new funnier skits and a bunch of good Canada jokes galore. Eventually the guys find a bunch of different types of drugs stashed somewhere (what each drug does is hilariously brilliant) and they have to find out what is going on.

Anyway, giving even hints to the jokes, for which I am doing, feels wrong, so I won’t give out any more clues. Let’s just summarize by saying you get a bunch of funny celebrity cameos this time around, all the boys in the troop get fair and even screen time with a scene or two or three to shine. Farva, instead of being just annoying in this, is actually annoying and fucking hilarious, having some of the best liners from the two movies combined. Brian Cox seemed to really be in the game this time as, even though he is still the AND name on the poster, he has MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH more screen time in this than he did the original. The movie is silly. Just like the first one, but with better jokes and gags. Don’t go in expecting the greatest comedy plot of all time, just go with a friend and have a silly good time. Just to note, I had really really low expectations for this. I hope my review doesn’t lift your spirits up because coming out of the film you might think I’m insane. But for meow, I really did enjoy myself, and if you liked the first film, you’ll smile coming out of this one too I believe.

 

You get exactly what the marketing for RAMPAGE promises you. A glorified hour and 40 minute film where the main citywide ultimate destruction happens within the last 30 to 35 minutes of the movie. And that last 35 minutes is filled with really great CGI, cool destruction scenes, and Dwayne Johnson being this decades Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold would have starred in this if this was made in the 90s. Easily. So what about the other hour of the film. Other than the cool little 5 minute prologue starring Marley Shelton with the best acting she’s ever done since The Sandlot, you get eye rolling set up with stupid bad guy characters, stupid plot devices, laughable dialogue, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan literally walking from The Walking Dead set to film this, not breaking character, but a good guy instead of a murderous psychopath.

Other than the last half hour, the movie is really a ho hum affair. As far as video game movies go (this is very loosely based, basically they took the three monsters and the antennae you are supposed to destroy in the game and tried their best to design an actual plot around it), this would probably be under Tomb Raider and Mortal Kombat. But in the end, is that really saying much? This film was made to buy when it is on sale, and only watch if you have a giant screen and a great giant sound system, and then fast forward the movie and only stop and watch thru the destruction scenes.

And the movie really wouldn’t work at all if it weren’t for Dwayne Johnson and the actual bromance that works between him and George, the Albino Ape that goes ape-shit in the movie. Admit it, The Rock has great charisma (his best movie is easily The Rundown). That’s why half of his movies even work. And he’s not a bad actor. He’s certainly better than Schwarzenegger at his prime.  And Dwayne Johnson definitely hasn’t phoned in a performance yet (he will someday on a film he’s pushed into and doesn’t want to be in). The rest of the acting though in this film is laughable or bad. Bad in the sense that Malin Ackerman and Jake Lacy make the worst bad guys owning a multi million dollar company since….well, actually maybe ever. They are both terrible in this. Naomi Harris is okay but she looks like she’s just filling time before she’s called back on Bond 25.

And now let’s talk a tiny bit about Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He’s is Nice Negan in this. He literally walked over from the set of AMC, and just didn’t break character. Maybe that was the point and why he was hired? Instead of Negan in a black leather jacket, he’s wearing a suit, and instead of a bad, it’s a gun. But the Cowboy drawl is there, and even some of the dialogue seems like it was lifted from cut scenes from a Walking Dead script. He isn’t bad per say, but it was a little distracting and laughable. I did like how his character was actually smart and not some dumb government asshole, I just wish that it wasn’t a Negan-like performance, and it might’ve even been better than Johnson in the movie.

Again, let’s face it, the movie is ho-hum and almost laughably not watchable except for the first 5 minutes, and the last thirty. The destruction is awesome and the special effects are really good. The action cliches are watchable, and it brings me back to watching the best destruction parts in the first Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, San Andreas and even the stupidest shittiest parts of 2012. It’s not the cheesiest of cheese you can get, but it is a whole lot of cheddar. You just have to decide if you are lactose intolerant or not.

If we were actually playing TRUTH OR DARE and you asked me the question, I replied truth, and then you ask what I truly feel about this movie, I would say, “you know what? Fuck it, I enjoyed it and would mildly recommend it.” Probably shocks you because usually shit like this I throw in my own personal meat grinder. Instead this appears to be more in line with Happy Death Day, being PG-13 horror/thriller films that aren’t really scary at all but are actually a little bit of fun. And that is in thanks to its crazy mythology, decent acting, and one (or two) truly emotional dramatic scenes that had my jaw open for the entire segment. The marketing sucks on this one, but how else are you supposed to market a film like this? If this had been a hard Rated R film we could’ve gotten something truly, truly special.

Instead, we get a PG-13 film bordering on R that’s a little bit of fun but still a lot of potential that the filmmakers didn’t decide to strike upon. I know that PG-13 usually gets the teens into the theater with more bang for your buck (look at A Quiet Place for God’s sake) but I think in the long run this film would’ve been respected more if it were a hard no holds barred R. But if we get one more situational horror/thriller PG-13 movie next year that is a little fun like this and Happy Death Day and that makes up a cool little situational horror fun trilogy, I’m willing to accept the rating and quality of the film…for right now. Sorry, but I’m a sucker for made up non official trilogies.

Anyway, back to the actual movie. The movie works mainly because of the characters. Even at their worst, the characters are actually fucking likable. Oh, and they are fucking smart too. I have never seen so many teen characters in a film make the right decisions before in a horror movie, even if those right decisions still end up leading them to a grisly end. I don’t want to ruin anything, but during one of the dare scenes, I was basically mouthing what the characters needed to do at the screen, and they fucking did it! I was shocked to my utter core. In that one scene, the tension, combined with the right decisions, combined with the decent acting made one hell of a little grab your armrest kind of affair.

The movie also works because of Lucy Hale. I’ve actually met Lucy Hale in real life and she seems more down to Earth than a lot of celebrities of her caliber. I met her a comic con about two years ago and she was so nice to the young ladies that watch her on Pretty Little Liars and she was very nice to me and talkative when she signed my Scream 4 poster and we talked about the recent passing of Wes Craven. Her character here is so likable that when we find out she has a few hidden secrets within her closet, that it leaves the audience shocked, but doesn’t change what we ultimately think about her. Your opinion might differ, but there is a scene of confession from her, that even though she said something very wrong to somebody once upon a time, we are willing to forgive her for all her actions before and during a conversation with another character.

There is another scene dealing with a different likable character, that involves a dare that is very sad and very emotional, and the ending of it made me have a large lump in my throat. I was shocked the marketing has kept this scene out of the film, but kudos to them. The scene stands out and again, you’ll know it when you see it. The only odd man out here acting wise is Tyler Posey, who shines in one scene but in the rest he kind of looks confused like he doesn’t know what kind of emotion to display on screen. Luckily, it wasn’t enough to distract me or take me out of the film. There are a lot of characters in this and each get their own little arcs and the film, whether it kills them off or not, gives them each closure and their own emotional payoff that works.

But the movie isn’t scary at all. The film has really only two jump scares, and they deal with a phone ringing (this cliche has got to end) and a character turning around and someone being suddenly behind that character (another cliche that has got to end). I think the film had ample opportunity to give us jump scares that weren’t force and paid off. I think if the screenplay (which was written by four people, two too many in my opinion) and if the direction was a little bit tweeked (director Jeff Ladlow isn’t the best, Kick Ass 2 was only ok), this could’ve been a truly scary horror/thriller. But I guess with a PG-13 rating you can only go so far.

What really works in the film is the rules of Truth or Dare, the crazy fucking mythology, and the balls of an ending. Like recent horror films, this gives us another non typical Hollywood ending. But this one is more bittersweet and dark than just plain old dark and dreary. I liked that minor change. I won’t ruin any of the rules here, but there are several specific rules to the game in Truth or Dare, and I loved that it wasn’t made up and rules just written on the fly like some horror films try to do. And the mythology is fucking nuts. Yes, there is a true reason why this deadly game is being played by these teens, and even though the reasoning is off the wall bonkers, I liked that they tried to do something different.

So in the end, I dare you to actually maybe check this one out if you have time. It isn’t necessarily a theater watching necessity, but if you want to have a little fun on a lonely Friday or Saturday night, this would easily pass your time. Truthfully though, you might not like it, especially if you are a critical movie critic like me that usually has films like this for breakfast. But if you open your mind a little and see that the writers and everyone involved with this project actually tried to bring an audience what they thought was a decent film, you make actually come to a halfway compromise. It is halfway decent, but it should’ve been Rated R. Unrated Blu-Ray anyone?

 

I get it. I get that in the marketing the rooster in front of the word BLOCKERS is supposed to make the older teens and adults this movie is supposed to appeal to let them know that the movie should be called Cockblockers. I get that we have a society too young to read that word out loud on posters and ask their parents exactly what it means and then just keep repeating it and repeating it like its the word of the year and get into some unexpected trouble. But when the opening title comes up at the beginning of the movie, couldn’t they at least just call it Cockblockers? Hopefully the younger audience that the studio doesn’t want to know what the real title is won’t be in the theater, and if they are, they have parents that just don’t give a fuck. Blockers is just so tame of a name, it sounds like a God damn football movie. Fortunately, this is my only complaint about this movie.

And it isn’t a football movie (thank God, we don’t need another), it is a sweet and light-hearted, yet at times really raunchy and hilarious sex comedy where a lot of the cliched roles are reversed. Instead of the boys trying to lose their virginity at prom, it’s the girls, and instead of being just the girls’ story, it mainly features the parents and their desperate efforts to stop their daughters from making  a potentially bad life altering mistake. I loved this movie, I laughed out loud quite a bit, and was glad that they turned a very, very overdone formula into something new and refreshing. I loved all the resolutions and the ending was pitch perfect (if you look up details about this movie you’ll know that what I just said is a pun). It’s a rare sex comedy that is fun for the whole family to go out and watch, albeit a older family with kids in their older teens.

Where Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson should just stick to action films (he’s tried Baywatch and The Tooth Fairy and those didn’t work out too well for him), John Cena needs to stay in comedies (where the action film 12 Rounds and other Direct To Video shit didn’t work out for him either). He completely steals the show in this and has that wonderful comedic charm, playing on the joke and against type that he is a really really really built individual but has the emotional stability of a 11 year old child. We knew he had the  talent in Sisters and Trainwreck, but here he is the star and we get to see his true potential. The butt chugging scene is way funnier in the movie than it is played out in the trailers. In fact, most of the funny bits are saved in the movie and haven’t been released in any marketing yet, even the red band trailers.

You Leslie Mann haters out there that don’t like her that much because she plays the same character in every film, well, this movie won’t do much to change your mind. She plays the same character here again, yet if there is any difference it is that the character isn’t as mean as her previous ones. But for some reason I have always found Leslie Mann delightful, and in this I liked her as well. Trying to fight John Cena for a “King of scene stealing title” would be Mindy Project’s Ike Barinholtz, who shares a blind folding semi sex scene (I will not spoil this) where they play off each other like comedy gold. All three of the parents roles are perfectly cast.

My opinion is the same for the daughters as well. In fact, if you cut this movie apart and compared screen time, I wouldn’t be surprised if the daughters don’t have just a couple of minutes less than their parents. The daughters are played sweetly by Kathryn Newton, raunchy as hell by Geraldine Viswanathan, and mysteriously by Gideon Adlon. I don’t want to ruin Ms. Adlon’s story arc, but needless to say I am glad the marketing hid this pretty well, as her story is the most interesting of the three, while also trying to deal with the past action of her father (Barinholtz). The other two are interesting too, and some parts of their stories didn’t end so cliche, and were quite surprising, which I was most appreciative of.

Kay Cannon, who wrote the Pitch Perfect movies, makes her directorial debut in this (she didn’t co-write the screenplay surprisingly) and she does a zany great job with all the situations and makes directing comedies look easy. I hope she does more of this in the future, and doesn’t write sequels like Pitch Perfect 2 or 3 ever again). I also liked that the movie didn’t resort to the story beat that if the parents wouldn’t have tried to stop their kids, the teens would’ve ended up the same at the end of the night anyway. Movies that try to do that are lazy and have no imagination. This thankfully has a complete point A, to point B, to end at point C kind of story, which taking that and all the hilarious jokes, dialogue, and sticky situations all the characters get in, makes one great Spring comedy that you shouldn’t miss. Don’t cockblock yourself, see this movie, I guarantee you’ll have a fun time.

A QUIET PLACE is one of the best horror/thrillers of the year, if not already THE best. Every year, horror/thrillers come and go by the way side, with maybe a max of three making the “great” cut, and one of those three making the “masterpiece” of the cut. In my gut, this is already the “masterpiece” of 2018. This movie is very scary. Every jump scare is earned, no tricks and no making the audience feel like morons and cheated out. Oh and uh, I absolutely LOVE this film mainly because it is the first movie in a long long while that REQUIRES you to shut the fuck up during the movie. If you are a movie talker (or texter) and have no respect for the people you don’t know trying to watch the movie around you, I already think you are a piece of shit. But if you try to pull that crap during this film, you are going to have others possibly beat the shit out of you if you open your mouth.

There are possibly less than 10 lines of dialogue in this movie. And maybe about 20 to 25 sentences are sign language with subtitles for the audience. The rest is pure score, albeit used very sporadically, and the rest is dead fucking silence. You cough in the theater, you are going to be noticed. The movie takes its title literally. The theater, which was sold out by the way, was so quiet, I could hear the end credits of Ready Player One playing in the other theater. All the silence, noises where they need to be, and the score coming on where it needs to, completely amplifies your experience where you feel like you are actually there. It’s incredible.

Most of you know that real life married couple John Krasinski and Emily Blunt are in this film, but few of you probably know that Krasinski co-wrote this film, and also completely directed it. Yeah, Jim from The Office directed a horror movie. You have to hand it to the guy, I wouldn’t want to be known for playing one character my entire life. He tried to play something different at the end of Detroit, which didn’t work out really well, and the other films he co wrote (Promised Land) and directed (The Hollars) were ok, but he was basically Jim in those. Except for 13 Hours Michael Bay film, he definitely wasn’t Jim in that. And with this, and if he keeps on doing pieces of art like this, he is going to break completely free. He hardly speaks in this movie at all, and yes I was like “oh hey Jim, long time no see, how’s Dwight?” at the beginning, but less than a minute in, I knew he was a different survivalist type character, and Jim completely vanished. He could either do roles like that, or get out of acting and go completely behind a pen or completely behind the camera. Time will tell.

After a very emotional opening, the movie is about a family living secluded in the year 2021-2022, where most of the human population is dead. See there are these alien/creatures that are blind and can hunt you down like a motherfucker if you make any sound, so you have to be completely quiet and not make any sound above a dull whisper. The family is getting ready to have a child and (according to the billboard the survivalist dad has in the basement of the house to monitor these alien/creature sons of bitches) three are confirmed in the area. That is all I will tell you. If you hope to get a complete origin story about the aliens/creatures that are killing off the human race, prepare to be disappointed. But if you are easter egg lover like me and pay attention to the movie and look very carefully, there origin is completely spelled out in ink. Just look closely.

What’s really funny about the family getting ready for the birth of a child is that having the child is really only the dumb horror movie mistake that this family could have made (there is one other at the beginning but I won’t spoil it). And that’s another thing I love about this movie, the rest of the actions in the movie of the family are just and sound and not stupid. In fact, they are put into situations by outside influences, not their actions, and have to retool what they do in order to survive these new impending situations. I was never slapping my forehead wondering why a character as being so stupid. I was slapping my forehead because this family keeps getting the shaft and it really isn’t their fault at all.

The movie has done a good job in the marketing of keeping the full view of the creatures/aliens out of the promotional material. Good, these things are fucking frightening, and I am not going to ruin their look by describing it on here. Let’s just say whoever design them did a hell of a fucking job. Every human actor, what few there are, is great in this, Krasinski and Blunt bring their A game, but the show is completely stolen by their oldest daughter who is deaf herself (she’s deaf in real life too). Her performance here is amazing and show stopping whenever she is featured on the screen.

The movie runs a really really tight 95 minutes. There is no fat, no filler. Everything on screen is important and I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, never bored. The movie ends right when it needs to. In my mind I was shouting, please end here, if you end here, you will be a near perfect movie. And it ended there. I almost even teared up. A Quiet Place is required viewing in the theater if you can respect those around you. It is an exhilerating experience seeing it with a sold out crowd and nobody making a sound except when the jump scares (again, all earned) frighten them. If you can’t shut the fuck up or not take out your phone during the movie, then don’t go. You won’t like it at home as much I think, but come on, it’s only 95 minutes. Can you not have ADD, shut off your fucking phone, and close your fucking mouth? It isn’t that hard. Damn. Sorry. Yeah, go see A Quiet Place. It’s a quiet masterpiece.

Either your love Wes Anderson or you hate him. Actually, I believe there is a secret third category: where you accept him. I’m in that category. By accepting that all of his films from now on are going to contain that symmetry diorama signature style of his, I can now decide whether or not I enjoy the story and characters and sometimes animation (in this case) to say whether I love or hate one of his films. Out of all of Wes Anderson’s filmography, I only can’t stand three of his films. I didn’t care much for The Darjeering Limited. I didn’t care much for Bottle Rocket. And I can’t fucking stand The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Since Darjeering and Life Aquatic came out one after the other with each other, there was a point where I thought he was losing his touch, going the way of M. Night Shyamalan.

But then Fantastic Mr. Fox came out and all was forgiven. My top three favorite films of his are Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Fantastic Mr. Fox. ISLE OF DOGS is my very, very strong 4th favorite. (Don’t worry Andersonites, I still have an affinity for Grand Budapest Hotel and Moonrise Kingdom, a strong 5th and 6th). Isle of Dogs only proves beyond a reasonable doubt that after 2 live actions films he should always come back to stop motion animation and give us all a quirky tale with wonderful visual talent. Isle of Dogs story is simple. A dog flu epidemic has hit globally, all dogs have been shipped to this deserted trash island in order for them to live out the rest of the sad days and once they are all dead the virus is gone. A little boy pilot, named Atari Kobayashi hijacks a small personal craft and flies to the island in search of his dog Spots. Once landing, he doesn’t find Spots right off the bat but meets this alpha male dog pack led by Chief, voiced brilliantly by Bryan Cranston. There, Chief and the pack go in search for spots. Meanwhile, on the mainland, Mayor Kobayashi (he is the uncle to small boy), doesn’t want any of the dogs back ever again, even if a cure is found.

If you are a huge Wes Anderson fan and expect that very dry, weird and quirky humor you know all too well from him. It is here and it is here in spades. No disappointment on that front. Also, of course, so is his symmetrical shots and diorama like cinematography. However, while I have come to accept his style over the past several years, sometimes it still annoys me. But with Isle of Dogs, his style only enhances what is on the screen. The stop motion animation is simply beautiful, and Anderson makes sure you are too caught up with the story and characters for any of his visual style to truly take you out of the film (I think his visual style only really took me out of Life Aquatic, Darjeering limited, and parts of Grant Budapest, very small parts of that film).

The voice work, story, and characters here win the day. There are too many famous people and too many characters to list here, but Bryan Cranston, Liev Schriber, Scarlett Johansson, Greta Gerwig, and Edward Norton steal the show. The story takes a few nice twists and turns to keep everything lively and the audience on their toes. Is it a family film? With a couple of “bitches” said throughout the film, maybe. But if you are offended by the Peter Rabbit poisoning that human and part of that #ButtHurt brigade, this film isn’t for you. People die and animals die. But it’s the closest family film that Wes Anderson has made yet.

If I get anymore into the film I’m going to spoil it. Let’s just say, if you are a huge Wes Anderson fan and love stop motion animation, with charming characters and a good story. Don’t miss this. I wouldn’t say it is theater essential, but it is a definite much watch for you at some point. One thing is for certain, Wes Anderson is a very talented filmmaker. The only catch is that you have to truly understand him to understand his movies. I came around several years ago and have enjoyed the ride since. If you have never gotten on the ride, this is not likely to change your mind. If you are on the ride, this is a nice big fun roller coaster type exhilarating dip that makes you want to throw your hands up in the air and cheer.