Look, if you can go back and look at my Facebook review of Annabelle, I was not kind. I hated and still hate the first Annabelle movie. It isn’t even in the same league of The Conjuring 1 and 2, even though it is in the same universe. But thankfully, continuing the trend set by Ouija 2: Origin of Evil, ANNABELLE 2 is not only better, it is scary as shit, tells a good tale, and finally enters the same ballpark with the greatness of both Conjuring movies. So I guess now if I hate the first movie in a horror franchise I should always look forward to the second one huh? Everything about this is better, and probably the reason for that is the directors changed, the director of the first went on to do the shitty Wish Upon, but this new guy did the Lights Out movie, which I thought was good and scary for being PG-13, but this is Rated R, and brings everything great to the table.

Annabelle Creation, just like Ouija: Origin of Evil, is a prequel to Annabelle, showing how the doll and the evil spirit within it, first came to be. In fact, it ties itself directly with the first film at the end to make sure it can be nothing but sequels from here on out, which I like. By the way, it is also starting to be like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, teasing it’s upcoming releases, and it does a great one mid movie with The Nun, which I wasn’t at first, but am now looking forward to. Anyway, this movie is about a couple, the husband of which makes dolls. His daughter dies in an accident at a early age and they pray to whatever power to bring it back. Unfortunately a demon answers, and they manage to keep it in a closet at bay. Also unfortunately, they now run their home as a sort of orphanage, and a bus full of orphaned girls and a woman nun are staying there.

And you slowly find out the story, and scary shit happens. I’m not going to ruin the rest of the film or any of the scares, because the scares and good and well earned. Even though I didn’t jump (Kim did because she’s a wuss) I was drained by the time the film ended, being on edge for the entire thing. Also, for a scary movie, the acting was top notch. All the kids did fantastic, and the adults all brought their A game as well. Wish there was more Miranda Otto in the film, as she is a fine actress, but the reason she isn’t there is valid, and she is very powerful when needed to be.

I just wish that like Child’s Play, the doll would actually move and talk, and that we would get that those great practical effects here like they did with Chucky back in the day. And while the first movie didn’t do that, unfortunately this one doesn’t either, but now that I think about it, not seeing the doll move and talk is creepier than actually seeing it, so I forgive it for all its trespasses. There is some predictability in this, as what objects or beings they will be used for scares, but the way they eventually bring those things into play is patient and brilliant. They don’t bring it up and then two minutes later play their hand. They keep their cards close to the chest the entire time.

To not waste your time and get you to go to a theater with a loud system, I am going to cut my review a little short (actually it is already a little long isn’t it?). If you want a scary time at the movies, look no further. Annabelle Creation is another rare sequel/prequel that is much much much much much better than the original. It provides plenty of thrills that aren’t cheap with a good serviceable story that ties everything together. This + Child’s Play will prevent you from ever buying dolls again.

I know, I know, you probably haven’t heard of this movie either. But I might make you interested after I tell you I loved this movie. And the fact that it is technically a Lonely Island production. Don’t know what Lonely Island is? Sheesh, well okay they are those guys from SNL including Andy Samberg, that made all those Digital Shorts and had those funny songs. They also made the movies Hot Rod  and Popstar Never Stop Never Stopping. Do I have your attention now? Well, as a movie itself, the movie is one of the better PG-13 comedies I have seen in a very long time. The story is a little dark, funny, touching, heartbreaking, all at the same time. I was totally engrossed.

The plot is actually really neat. This 30 year old man, is living with his Mom and Dad in this underground desert bunker. This man watching countless episodes and hours of this television show his parents give him old VHS copies of called Brigsby Bear, a Star Trek like cosmic leaching teaching hourlong tv show that this man is obsessed with. He has been told that there is toxic gas everywhere on Earth and they are the only people left. The FBI then bust in on the compound and reveal the truth. This man was obducted when he was very young from people and this Brigsby Bear television show was just something the father went off and made in this abandoned studio every week, just for this man to succumb to life lessons and stay in the bunker. So now this man, played by Kyle Mooney, is thrust into the lives of his real family, and has to figure life out. He feels completely out of his place, until he realizes that his true purpose it to expose the world to Brigsby Bear and to make his own movie to wrap up all of Brigsby’s adventures.

Sounds kind of fucked up right? Well it is, but the story feels real, it makes sense, is a little dark and sad, but also very funny. I normally don’t really like Kyle Mooney and the weird shit that he has done on SNL but this makes me turn my opinion around. If only he could make this magic on SNL, he’d completely win me over one day. This I think is Mark Hamill’s (he plays the fake dad) only live action performance before The Last Jedi, and man does he make me confident in bringing back Luke Skywalker, because even though he has very little screentime, he is really good here. He is in more the movie than you think, he provides all the voices to the television show, which as we know since he does the animated Joker, is nothing short of magical.

Kyle Mooney’s character trying to adjust to real life and making his Brigsby Bear movie is intriguing and engrossing. He’s funny when he needs to be, dumb when he needs to be, and he also has a couple of heartbreaking scenes where he is a true actor when he needs to be. There are a lot more famous actors in this too. Greg Kinnear plays a detective sympathetic to Mooney’s plight. Claire Danes plays Mooney’s therapist. Samberg has a cameo. And Mickeala Watkins and Matt Walsh play his real parents. And they are all very good. Kyle Mooney mainly tries to make a good relationship with a sister he never knew he has, played by The House’s Ryan Simkin’s, and she is good too and you can really feel their, siblingship per say, blossom.

This movie is really good, and you can see it right now at the Angelika or Cinemark West Plano. Kyle Mooney was actually at the Angelika theater the other night and Bigfanboy.com I believe they had coverage of the event. I’m surprised this isn’t a Netflix original, but maybe it might find its audience there. It is a cult classic movie in the making and will pick it up when it comes out, because I will be a Lonely Island completist, and I really loved this movie a lot. One of the better comedies of the summer and the best PG-13 one in a long time.

If you are reading this, and around the Dallas area, I think THE ONLY LIVING BOY IN NEW YORK is playing at Cinemark West Plano. But I would highly suggest waiting for Netflix, Redbox, what have you on this one. The only reason why this movie deserves a watch is because it is one of the few movies with a twist that I have never seen coming, and because that twist made the movie better. Without the twist, I don’t think I would’ve recommended this movie. Well, still maybe, because the performances, especially from Jeff Bridges, are top notch, it is just that the movie is really really generic and by the books, until the 2nd half, where everything finally gets interesting. So yeah this is a perfect Netflix rental, and you should check it out, once, whenever it hits a cheaper platform.

If you haven’t heard of this movie, it also stars Kate Beckingsale, Pierce Brosnan, Cythia Nixon, Callum Turner, and Kiersey Clemmons. It is about a young man, obviously, who really likes his best friend Mimi, but she just sees him as a friend. So this new apartment tenant, played by Jeff Bridges, strikes a friendship with the young man, and tells him in order to get her, he has to basically make her believe that he can go on fine without her. He is out one night with his friend when he spies his father, played by Brosnan, basically cheating on his mom with a younger woman, played by Beckinsale. He then confronts Beckinsale, and uh…yeah you can probably see a few things coming.

But not the twist! If you can guess the twist, good job, I commend you! It totally got me, and turned the film that I thought would have a generic, predictable, ending with feelings and acceptance in the rain, turned into another story, one much more satisfying. Critics have been complaining, that the young man, played by Callum Turner, is a jerk and unlikable. I found this to be totally disagreeable. While I find that his was the only performance that was a little stiff, I certainly didn’t find him to be a jerk at all, just confused. The best parts of the movie are him and Jeff Bridges having their life confirming conversations. Mainly because Jeff Bridges is just awesome to listen to anytime or anywhere. Their friendship feels very genuine.

And Kate Beckinsale is hot. I don’t care if it’s the worst Underworld film in the world, I will watch her in anything. She is gorgeous. But this is a review, and that is just my own biased opinion. But yes, Netflix this one, or maybe a dollar theater. You may be sitting through this movie and halfway through wondering what the hell I am talking about, you may be bored and not wondering when everything unexpected kicks in. This is one of the only movies I will say to give it time other than maybe Blade Runner. But don’t spend your hard earned box office bucks. It is a perfect rental for a date night or maybe with the family. For once, the M. Night Shayamalan twist, is actually the redeeming quality for the story, and not the entire story, or a compliment to the story. If you know what I’m even talking about. I’ll just shut up now.

I am very torn with THE GLASS CASTLE. Mind you, I have not read the true life novel so I have nothing to compare it to. On the one hand, the acting is incredible, with Brie Larson showing us again why she won that Oscar for room, and we are still scratching our heads why Woody Harrelson has never won an Oscar. On the other hand, going into this with just one theatrical trailer in my head, I felt cheated. I thought that it’s about a woman dealing with her high on life/weird aspects on living parents where she eventually has to accept them for their unconventional ways, but instead I’m treated to two wildly irresponsible parents, one who can’t see the bigger picture and is lazy, and the other drunk and can’t provide for his children. The acting is so good that it made me completely dislike the parents to the point where I don’t think I could’ve forgiven them if they were mine, where the inevitable ending didn’t feel earned at all.

But then on a third invisible hand, I felt that if I read the book, I might like it more, where it might reveal more redeemable acts from the parents and dive deeper into the whole family’s insane journey. Because of this drunk and irresponsible parents aspect, the movie felt generic and I got a little bored. No offense to the real Jeannette Walls, who obviously had to go through this in real life. Like I said, I bet the book is better, and we all know that the book sometimes translates horribly into a motion picture. So thinking that the book is better, this critic right here went to the Internet to read big summaries so I would have something to compare this movie too. After reading these summaries, I know that the book is better, because the movie leaves a lot out, that if put in, could’ve been a more tight and well rounded flick.

I also went in blind with this regarding the reviews. So when I got home from seeing it, I went on Rotten Tomatoes and wasn’t surprised to find it at a low 47% and it says that most critics feel that there was a “fundamentally misguided approach to the material.” Those are the perfect words with how I feel about the movie. This film is great with the acting, but ultimately I can’t recommend it because it didn’t take the right approach with the material provided in the book. Everything felt cliched, generic, with an unearned ending trying to tug at your heart strings empty handed.

Which is a shame, because if they would’ve adapted the book correctly, from what I read, this could’ve completely went and swept up a couple of awards during Oscar season. Jennifer Lawrence was attached to play Jeannette at first, but maybe she realized what was really going on and that is why she dropped out. The direction is fine, some beautiful landscape shots and cinematography, but ultimately it is the script that completely falters the entire product. If you are a huge Brie Larson and/or Woody Harrelson fan, I would recommend just to check this out for the acting. Naomi Watts also does a fine job as well, even though I didn’t like her character. The only acting flub is Max Greenfield, who cannot get out of acting like Schmidt on New Girl to save his life. All I saw was Schmidt instead of a well rounded character.

This is definitely not a Glass Castle, it is more like a glass condo, with a shitload of cracks in it.

I have completely forgiven Robert Pattinson for Twilight. In GOOD TIME, he is nearly unrecognizable (personality wise), going deep into a very flawed character with many layers and peeling them back inch by inch. He is completely riveting and if I were part of the Academy I would push him into getting an Oscar nomination at the end of the year. You could study this performance in film classes in college. Masterful. But how is the movie? Thankfully, the movie is just as fantastic, with a breath neck pace story that gets more and more desperate as it goes with a bittersweet ending you wouldn’t expect. Good Time isn’t just one of the best films of the year, it is one I could revisit over and over again. An insane one night ride into depravity and darkness that grabs hold and won’t let you go.

What is so good about this film is that it takes a very unlikable protagonist, where you want him to get caught, but at the same time, hopes that he doesn’t, just so you can see more of the insane journey he goes on. The film is about two brothers, one played by Pattinson, the other played by one of the Safdie brother directors. The Safdie character is a little mentally challenged and Patterson is just trying to take care of him. The brothers rob a bank where the job is botched and Pattinson’s brother is caught and taken to jail while he escapes. Then in one twelve hour night time period, Patterson tries to get his brother out of jail while also trying to keep himself from going to jail as well. I don’t really want to spoil the rest of the journey, because it is unique and sometimes bonkers, but it involves a Sprite bottle filled with acid that belongs to a guy named Ray, an Adventureland setting, a hospital break out, high-rise apartment antics, creepy underage kissing, and mistaken identities.

The Safdie brothers have done another film that I have heard of but never seen, that got rave reviews called Heaven Knows What, and I think I might have to check it out, because this film is stupendous. The direction is flawless, and I love their tight shots on faces to show expression and emotion, completely building their trust in their actors to help build their characters and then thus building the story. Their story and direction takes complete and intense wild ass turns. The bank robbery is simple yet nail biting. The many times that Pattinson is almost caught by the police, I lost count I was so nervous. Everything about this film is mesmerizing and perfect.

And I can’t get away with not mentioning the haunting score by Oneohtrix Point Never. As The Dude would say “It really ties the story together.” Just like in Dunkirk, the score here is a beat by beat race the clock melodramatic masterpiece, rushing when it needs to, and taking its time to let all the events unfolded sink in. I loved Good Time, unfortunately modern audience will have a hard time trying to see it seeing it is a very independent film and might not get a huge wide release. But if you find it in a town, in a theater near you, or even if you have to wait for video, check it out, it is an amazing ride, and a performance by Robert Pattinson I think he might even have a hard time ever beating.

THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD doesn’t come out till next Friday, August 18th, but I got to see it yesterday and I have to say that it was a nice, funny and fun, pleasant, late summer surprise. Earlier in Ryan Reynold’s career he was mostly hit and miss. Waiting, The Proposal, Safe House, Van Wilder, and Smokin’ Aces being his hits, and then everything else plus Green Lantern being huge misses. After Deadpool, I have a feeling he is being a little careful about picking his projects. Yeah, I wasn’t a fan of Life but he was good for the little time he was in it. And now there is this film, which is like Smokin’ Aces mixed with Midnight Run mixed with about any buddy cop movie you have ever seen. And it works. It’s heavy on violence and language, but it is also light and very funny. August is sometimes considered a dumping ground for end of Summer movies, but sometimes we get a nice little treat snuck in there, and this is it.

The joke with Samuel L. Jackson being in every movie ever made is almost no longer a joke. How many movies has he been in this year alone? But you have to praise a movie that has Samuel L. Jackson say “motherfucker” more than any other movie he has ever been in combined. Make no mistake, the film uses its R rating to its advantage, throwing most of the punches except for nudity (which the film did not need). Obviously, the plot is simple to make way for the laughs. Samuel L. Jackson is a hit man that has some very damning evidence again a former Russian country president that is currently on trial for his wicked ways. So far all of the witnesses for this trial have been killed or discredited. They make a deal with Samuel L. Jackson that if he testifies they will free his wife, played by Salma Hayek (who steals every scene she’s in here). All Interpol has to do is get Jackson to the trial…with a bunch of bad guys/assassins/what have you in between them to stop them at any costs. Enter Ryan Reynolds as a former elite bodyguard trying to comeback from disgrace for a botched protection job a few years earlier…and hilarity, non stop action, and “motherfuckers” ensue.

This film is almost two hours, and some probably could’ve been shaved off, but I liked that the film took its time. We get to know the characters throughout the whole movie and they aren’t one dimensional and are well rounded. The way Ryan Reynolds enters the picture to protect Jackson is hilarious while still being a bit cliched obvious. But like I’ve said in some past reviews, sometimes it isn’t about the plot or destination. It is about the journey. And it is one hell of a journey. The director of this has certainly come back into my good graces, having previously directed the abysmal Expendables 3, with good hard hitting action, good direction, and earned laughs. Now while some of the action effects are a bit shaky, particularly towards the end, all is forgiven as it doesn’t lose the fun at the same time.

I could watch Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds argue in a room for two hours. Without them, the movie wouldn’t have been near that good. Selma Hayek hasn’t been this funny since Dogma. And for some reason Gary Oldman is in this (paycheck) but even with a limited amount to do (he is locked up the entire time) he still brings his A game. If you are looking for a complicated plot with this film, don’t, as you’ll be highly disappointed. It is very simple and very cliched. It has almost every action cliche in the book and uses the age old foreshadowing with dialogue and what not. But it doesn’t lose any fun. If you are looking for a “buddy cop hitman assassin bodyguard action packed road trip movie” to bask in at the end of summer, you can do no wrong going to see this.

**warning no spoilers will be given, but I have read all 8 books**

Let’s pretend this book adaptation is a fictional cake replica making contest. In front of Sony executives is two tables, one already has a beautiful, majestic, gorgeous, 8 tiered tower Dark Black Wedding Cake . The other table is empty but next to it is a kitchen filled with every single ingredient you need to try and replicate that cake to the best of your abilities. You have about a decade to replicate this cake. And go! Instead of even going into the kitchen, the Sony executives walk up to the empty table, take their dicks out, and flop them menacingly on the table, and shout, “Here is your cake assholes!” That, ladies and gentlemen, is THE DARK TOWER film adaptation.

I have read all 8 Stephen King novels that have The Dark Tower in the title or relates directly to it. I have read every single Stephen King novel in existence, all the ones that indirectly reference The Dark Tower in some way. So you may say there was no way to please me, especially since I know every nook and cranny of Stephen King’s fictional universe. That isn’t necessarily true. There are plenty of books that are very nice companions with their movies: Jurassic Park, The Lord of the Rings, Angels & Demons to name a few. Even the worst adaptations, like Percy Jackson, every single Twilight film, etc. have some light in the shitty mess of a darkness that plagues my mind to no end. With The Dark Tower film, there isn’t even a shred of light, it is completely devoid of soul.

And I even had half my mind set away to view the movie as a film lover who had never read any of the novels, let alone a Stephen King book, and even then I thought the film had no soul. The film is a 95 minute circle jerk where too many powers at be were arguing on what the adaptation should contain and should not contain. Should we cater to an audience who has never read any of the books or should this book be fan service? Even though I think The Dark Tower series is unfilmable and should just be a movie in a constant readers mind, I do feel that there was a way to do both. Nope, all that is tossed completely out the window for a new story that completely strips away most elements of the novels and takes only a handful of service thing to speak to a general audience in general terms.

Thinking like everyone else, this should’ve been a HBO or Showtime series, doing each book in a 8 to 10 episode arc, for seven to eight seasons, and then walk away. You can’t do The Dark Tower in 95 minutes. It is impossible. Even as a movie for a general audience, the film is soulless and rushed. There is no character development, no time to develop relationships. The journey is too compact, with no time to breathe. They say that this new film is supposed to be a sequel to the books (don’t worry, I don’t reveal much here just speak in briskly in code), with Roland possessing the Horn of Eld at the beginning of the film. Okay, that’s fine…WHERE IS THE FUCKING HORN? Oh, is that a horn on Roland’s backpack? Okay…thanks for barely showing it to us…

The only thing that is good about the film is the casting. Idris Elba (even though Roland is supposed to be white in the books, because his race is a plot point in later novels with a character that was not introduced here, but like Johnny Storm in rebooted Fantastic Four, I could honestly care less) is a good (could’ve been great if they dialogue was not shitty) Roland, Matthew McConahalright alright alright was a pretty good Men In Black (would’ve been great with a better screenplay) and the kid that plays Jake Chambers was good as well.  They aren’t even much of characters though, because like I said, the compacted 95 minutes lets no time for the movie to find any kind of footing. The acting is the best thing about the film, everything else is complete and utter garbage.

The film feels like a cheap Sci-Fi Channel made for television movie. The effects suck, the production design sucks, the direction and action sucks, just a big bowl of What The Fuck soup. I could nitpick the differences between series and film adaptations all day (such as the portal doors being too futuristic and not just a cool little wooden door in the middle of nowhere) but I’m not going to do that here because my review would be novel size long. But there is one thing that I want to talk about, because it effects my dislike for the film the most. The fact that they take the center of attention of the story away from Roland and put it on Jake Chambers. The Dark Tower is and was always supposed to be Roland’s story with supporting characters helping him along the way. Taking it away from him (Idris doesn’t even show up until 15 minutes into the film) is a crime beyond all imagination. They could’ve still told their new awful story with Jake still being a side character, but nope, general audience are likely to connect with a kid and not Roland (not true if you’ve read the books.)

Why am I still writing? What I really should be doing is starting to re read all 8 novels and form my own perfect movie in my mind and forget this abomination ever exists. I pray that Stephen King’s IT adaptation is better (the R rating and 2 hr 15 minutes runtime helps, and the fact that it is only part 1 of 2; Dark Tower is a shitty PG-13) but now I’m going to enter IT being cautiously optimistic after this apocalypse. This is literally a shit cake, with barely some sprinkles of fan service on top, where the sprinkles ultimately get sucked into the shit frosting, never to be seen again. The Dark Tower is one of the worst films of the year and the worst adaptation of Stephen King’s work, even Maximum Overdrive. Good riddance.

We will get to the travesty of The Dark Tower in a moment, but my real first question is what happened to Halle Berry’s career? She won an Oscar for Monster’s Ball, and had some minor success as Storm in the X-Men films, but she went off and did Catwoman, Gothika, The Call, Perfect Stranger, Movie 43, and you see what I’m getting at now don’t ya? I actually think she is quite a talented actress. And she’s really the only really really bright spot in KIDNAP, a movie that was filmed 3 years ago and should’ve been a Netflix original. It feels like a Netflix film, with low production value, a quick runtime, and just enough cheese to not warrant a theatrical release, but here it is. It’s a decent Netflix watch, but a very mediocre way to spend your box office bucks. At least I enjoyed it more than The Dark Tower.

Also, why in the fucking fuck is this film Rated R? I just used two F words to prove a point. I have now said fuck twice more now than the movie used, and the film has less violence than 10 seconds in one episode of The Walking Dead. Maybe they thought they would have a bunch of teenagers having heart attacks in the theater if they rated it PG-13? No clue, but this isn’t rated R at all, in fact, there were 10 to 16 year olds in the theater asking the same questions once the movie let out.

Plot? Kidnappers kidnap Halle Berry’s child and she witnesses it and as a determined mother she actually goes after the kidnappers before she loses sight of them. That’s it. There are no plot twists (they try and sneak a stupid meaningless one at the very end) an the criminals are dumb, cut and dry, country over the top redneck, and unmemorable. At least the movie doesn’t really waste anytime getting everything moving, but a lot of the movie is Halle Berry sitting in a car looking worried and stressed out, which she does very well.

The criminals make dumb decisions, Halle Berry makes dumb decisions, the filmmakers make dumb decisions, the action is cheap and hackneyed. Look, you’ve seen this film a million times, and done a million different better ways. It isn’t unwatchable, in fact it kept my attention, but this film isn’t anything special and you’ll forget it exists in 3 days. But why is Halle Berry choosing these scripts? She is so much better than this material, we’ve seen it, and we see it here. She looks like she is still in her 30s (she’s 50) and can act her way out of a paper bag, is it that Hollywood doesn’t want to give her anything else? Is she hard to work with? *shrugs*

The film didn’t kidnap my time. I don’t regret watching it, I just wish I had on Netflix and not spent what I pay for Netflix in a month in a 82 minute period. It doesn’t waste anytime at least and there aren’t any slow parts. Honestly, I would probably be shitting all over this film if it weren’t for having to sit through an adaptation of one of my favorite books royally shit on. Netflix only, don’t spend your money.

Just like Dunkirk, I have a feeling that DETROIT will be nominated for Best Picture come next year, and it completely deserves it. It is a masterful, harrowing tale of true events that is so realistic at times it is very hard to watch. The direction by master filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow is nothing less than perfect, the acting is above and beyond what half of movies come up with these days, and everything coming off the screen, you want to look away, but you can’t. And although the third act dips just slightly (some people have said that the third act completely stops the movie, I don’t quite agree), it is a film whose reality at the time parallels our own, and it is…fucking…scary. One of the year’s best films indeed.

The film depicts the tragic events that happened at the Algiers Hotel during the emotional and racially charged 12th street Riots in July of 1967. But it doesn’t just depict that tragic event, it depicts the start of the riots and takes about 20 minutes to actually get to the hotel. This helps the film tremendously in building tension and letting the audience know how desperate and hectic the situation was. Once we get to the actual incident at the hotel, our nails have already ripped out the fabric of the theater seats, and we haven’t even gotten to the worst parts yet. The camera work uses slight realistic shaky cam, but it doesn’t get to the point of Paul Greengrass where it makes you sick. It is basically almost shot documentary style, adding to the realism.

The film has multiple points of views. The film shows the point of view of the racist cops that did some very bad things that night. The film shows the point of view of a security guard (played by John Boyega of The Force Awakens) who happens to be swept up into a situation where he doesn’t belong. And then there is the point of view of the victims, namely a band member and his buddy and a couple of people they just meet that night, including a cook and a couple of white girls. The incident is set off when the black cook decides to use a toy race starter pistol and shoot it out the window to scare the shit out of the police across the way that are already on edge dealing with the riots. Of course, the police follow the sound, and end up at the hotel, and the police are not so nice, and some really fucked up bad shit happens.

I don’t want to ruin the movie, so I’m not going to say exactly what happens, but it is very, very, very, very bad. At times shocking, and a lot of the time, very hard to watch. And it has a ending that you will not enjoy one bit. All the performances are top notch. John Boyega is mostly an quiet but determined outsider looking in, and then accidentally gets tragically swept up in everything. Anthony Mackie plays one of the victims, who is a war vet. But the real performance goes to Will Poulter (We’re The Millers) as one of the racist cops. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets nominated for supporting by when voting comes up. He’s a character that you despicably hate, and the only reason because of that is his performance is masterful.

Everything from the beginning of the riots, to the actual incident, is some masterful stuff. But then after the incident, and the shortened trial, maybe the last 20 to 25 minutes of the film, kind of dips a little bit in value. And that is mainly because of John Krasinski (Jim from The Office) who plays a lawyer trying to defend the racist cops, and I just didn’t believe his performance. It felt like Jim was pulling a joke on Dwight. But I believe showing some of the aftermath was necessary and would’ve felt cheated if it had just showed some title cards depicting what happened next, so I’m giving the very last little extended epilogue act the benefit of the doubt. I think it was necessary for the whole thing to come together.

The real winner in this is director Kathryn Bigelow, who has won a best director Oscar for The Hurt Locker, will sure to be nominated here again, and screenwriter Mark Boal, again, won an Oscar, will probably be nominated here as well. This is a master collision course in terms of filmmaking and sending a message about race relations, then and now. Although hard to watch, I could watch this film over and over again, it’s a breathtaking piece of cinema. Go see it. A very important film.

It has taken me a long time to write a review for THE EMOJI MOVIE because I needed to let it sink in how unnecessary and offensive this movie is. And it isn’t offensive in how you think I mean. It is offensive to the human race. You know the movie Idiocracy? And how every year, whenever shit goes bad or dumb, we go, “Oh shit, Idiocracy is becoming a reality!” And remember that movie that is in Idiocracy called Butt, and that it won a bunch of Academy Awards including best picture? Yeah, The Emoji Movie is our real version of the fictional movie Butt. And the movie inches us ever closer to the fictional reality that was Idiocracy. The Emoji Movie just dumbs down and packages how human beings are today and how they shouldn’t be. Emotionless zombies that spend wayyyy too much time on their phone when we should be having real human interactions.

And there are too many God damn movies about inanimate objects with feelings. We can blame Pixar for that, but at least Pixar does it (most but not all of the time) with some artistic dignity (this is a Sony Pictures animated film, not Disney). I mean, we have Cars that have feelings, Planes that have feelings, Toys that have feelings, and thanks to Inside Out, we have feelings that have feelings! And now, we as a human race, have sunk to a new low, FUCKING EMOJIS THAT HAVE FEELINGS, because, because, get it, Emojis are expressions of feelings? HAHA…HAHAHAHAHAHA…oh so clever and hilarious Sony Animation, did you think of that all by yourself? The movie is offensive by displaying a movie that pokes fun of, but also encourages our zombie like behavior.

I mean look at the plot. A emoji who is supposed to be “meh” actually has multiple feelings of expression. He fucks up expression wise when the teenage owner of the phone accidentally sends a weird fucked up emoji that has one multiple expression to a girl that he likes (because he can’t not be a pussy and just go up and talk to her). So now the race is on between higher up emoji’s to get rid of “meh” and prove that the phone is not defective before the teenager takes the phone to the store and have everything deleted.

Seriously, who gives a shit? I did not care about anybody (even the pussy teenager) in the movie, because not only did it encourage the stupid behavior teenagers have today, but EMOJIS ARE FUCKING EMOJIS, THEY AREN’T FUCKING REAL AND NEVER WILL BE! And I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: “Wait, Zach, didn’t you love Inside Out, Toy Story, and all those other inanimate object movies that have feelings (except Cars, screw those)?” Good point. The difference between this movie and all those others is that Disney mostly knows what they are doing. They make a hell of a story with each one, has likable characters that have real actual dreams, thoughts, emotions, that are subject to real life zombie like behavior, and all the jokes usually hit on the bullseye.

The jokes in this are so obvious that they completely miss the target, and probably aren’t even in the same game arena. We get it, Patrick Stewart is Poop (he’s hardly in this by the way). There have got to be some clever poop jokes other than, “hey, Dad, should we wash our hands?” after going to the bathroom and then when something goes wrong Patrick Stewart yells, “Holy S-” and then it is cut off. I’ll give it to the voice acting though, they tried their hardest and did their damndest, nobody phoned it in. T.J. Miller (making the awful mistake of leaving Silicon Valley) tries really hard here and does a good job as meh but I don’t care about his character enough to give a poop.

The movie isn’t the worst animated film I have ever seen, but it is one that I will never ever watch again. The best thing about this movie is the Hotel Transylvania short called “Puppy!” before the movie. It actually elicited a few laughs from me and was cute. I don’t know who this movie is for. I can tell you that anyone over the age of 25 is probably going to hate this thing. But as I walked out of the theater, I heard 6, 9, and even 13 year old saying that the movie was “boring,” “not funny,” “or a waste of time.” Even a 17 year old jumped up after the movie ended screaming “Oh my God, best movie ever, bring on that bullshit called Emoji 2!” (he was being sarcastic by the way). So judging by the reactions I saw, this MAY entertain your infant to toddler, but anyone past the age of 6 will probably #notgiveapoop.