Tag: Streaming

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BUFFALOED

BUFFALOED came out earlier this year, right before coronavirus as a rental, but I bid my time and waited for it to come to a streaming service I currently have, and lo and behold, Hulu just got it. I’ve wanted to see it because Zoey Deutch is in it, the daughter of Back To The Future’s Lea Thompson, and no matter how crappy or sappy the project that Ms. Deutch is in, she always…ALWAYS livens it up. Not to mention she is nice to look at and I happen to have her autograph on a theatrical poster of a different movie. Whether it be the meh Flower film that came out a bit ago or that cliched yet sort of fun Netflix rom com Set It Up, she always seems like she wants to be there and always brings her A game. I’ve been hoping that a really good and better than mediocre movie showcasing her talents would come along one day and Buffaloed…is it but just barely. Got in there at literally the last minute. Not to say that Buffaloed is only okay, no it’s really good it just needed to be a little bit longer to showcase the movies subject matter a little bit deeper. Speaking of subject matter, per IMDB, it’s log line summary for Buffaloed is as follows: “Set in the underworld of debt-collecting and follows the homegrown hustler Peg Dahl, who will do anything to escape Buffalo, NY.” Obviously Zoey Deutch plays Peg Dahl and her amazingly tense fun and bonkers performance makes Buffaloed better than it has any right to be.

The movie’s conclusion is a little ham-fisted in that what all preceded it was a little one sided, and I wish it would’ve gone into some of the fictional lives/characters who were in debt that this fictional agency was calling to get money from. Instead those lives that the movie could’ve delved into, maybe make the film 10 to 15 minutes longer and tighter, are relegated to a few lines of dialogue. When the end-end of the movie happens, it didn’t quite feel earned altogether, even if it was earned for Deutch’s character arc. And Zoey Deutch isn’t the only great performance in this. Come for her, but stay for both her and Jai Courtney, who kind of got shafted several years ago career wise when he tried his hand into the franchise fizzled reboot/sequels such as the ‘meh’ A Good Day To Die Hard and the awful…abysmal Terminator Genisys. He showed a spark as Captain Boomerang in Suicide Squad, especially with how little his character is actually in that movie, but the spark is a full on flame here. His greasy, scheme wise asshole debt collector character almost steals scenes out from under Ms. Deutch. But only almost. She’s the true star of this movie and the main reason I’m recommending this film to you. Jai second, comedy third, story fourth. And the film has a nice and short run time of only an hour and 34 minutes, which you can’t really beat that nowadays, everything else being so epic and all. But like I said, another 10 minutes could’ve made the film tighter even if it made it a little longer. So if you have Hulu or are willing to shell out a couple of bucks for a rental if this whole thing sounds intriguing, I recommend giving this film a go. If you are looking at a deep dive into the inner workings of a debt collection agency, this film will give you a few pointers but ultimately it will be up to you to do more research.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LOVE, GUARANTEED (Netflix)

If and when you start LOVE, GUARANTEED, you will immediately ask yourself, “wait a minute…isn’t that the girl from She’s All That and Josie And The Pussycats? What the heck happened to her?” Well, other than starring in a few cheesy Hallmark channel like holiday romance movies, she’s mostly devoted her life to public service and to taking care of and being in the lives of her two children. I don’t think Rachel Leigh Cook really wanted to be famous, she wanted a steady job, some normalcy, and just wanted a good life for her and her family. You know what I say to that? Good. For. Her. So why is she coming out of the shadows and starring (and producing) in this new cheesy romantic comedy that is #2 on Netflix’s top ten list? The paycheck? Who cares really? She was adorable in those two other films she is primarily known for, and she ends up still being just as adorable here, not missing a step since stealing our and Freddie Prinze Jr.’s hearts in 1999. Normally, it seems like I am a big grouch when it comes to “Netflix Originals.” I only like maybe 1 out of every 10 of them that are released, and it would seem I am certainly not too kind to each and every romantic comedy that peeks its head in almost every other week (aka Work It, Feel The Beat, The Kissing Booth movies). But the difference between Love, Guaranteed and those films is that they try and be something they are not (they scream and proclaim from the mountain tops, “oh no, we aren’t schlocky love stories at all, we are completely original!) and in the end seem like they made their target audience look like idiots for even starting the movie in their queues. Love, Guaranteed is indeed another schmaltzy love schlock story we are used to getting from the mass producing streaming, but this movie seems to know that it is, and embraces it (if you don’t end up getting that notion, wait for the final shot, which basically screa, “DO YOU GET IT?!” right in your face). Combine that with Rachel Leigh Cook’s adorableness, this ends up getting a rare recommendation from me.

Per IMDB, it describes Love, Guaranteed with the summary: “To save her small law firm, earnest lawyer Susan (Rachel Leigh Cook) takes a high-paying case from Nick (Damon Wayans, Jr.), a charming new client who wants to sue a dating website that guarantees love. But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick’s feelings for each other.” Let’s all face facts, you know how this films ends, it’s a romantic comedy so there is literally no other way for it to. Every little thread is tied up nicely, and the film almost literally has its cake and eats it too. So what about the journey to get to that predictable end? Predictable as well, but the movies screenplay and Cook and Wayans’ chemistry has more than enough cute pep in its step to be able to cross the finish line in tact. The only thing I wish the movie had more of were examples of dates that Damon Wayans Jr. had to go on before he could reach the 1,000 (that’s right, 1,000) clause on the dating website’s terms and conditions to be able to sue the company. But I realize why it didn’t. The movie’s concept clearly toe’s an offensive line with a guy going on a date with 1,000 girls and not being able to find a match with any of them. Women in this movie’s target audience I could see getting a little miffed if it showed that many girls being rejected by one guy because of their weird attitude or quirks. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t have Wayans’ character being a jerk or rude at all during these dates (in fact all the girls say that he was quite the gentleman when Cook does some investigation into his case), hence when I say it only ‘toe’s the line.’ If the film did end up showing more examples of his bad dates, it would’ve crossed that line, with many women saying the film didn’t have an accurate portrayal of women on dates and dating sites.

I would’ve probably end up agreeing with that thought, as when I think about the film’s concept, it might’ve been better if it were reversed, Wayans being the lawyer, and Rachel Leigh Cook being the one that sued the dating site. I have more women friends than men friends and let me tell you, a lot of men are absolutely fucking terrible monsters when it comes to online dating (I was lucky enough not to ever have to go online to meet someone). You don’t know how many horror stories I’ve heard from my women friends the things that men end up doing during these dates. It’s horrible. A couple of dates then ghosting, a couple of dates, then sex, then ghosting…you can only imagine. I doubt men would’ve been offended if it had showed how many bad dates a women went on, because if some of them ended up saying something, they would’ve just looked like hypocritical assholes. With everything I’ve heard, I can tell you that 9 times out of 10, women aren’t the problem when it comes to online dating. The whole film is a commentary on online dating, it has a message that not many people take internet dating seriously, they can always find someone else, so they don’t take any value into the people that they meet online. I feel like the message would’ve hit home more if the roles were reversed. But that would’ve made the film a bit more serious, and serious was not on this movies’ resume. Two women wrote this film, so its hard to argue with its merits, if two guys had, this film might’ve not even been made. A man did direct this which was rather odd, especially cause it is Mark Steven Johnson, who used to direct blockbuster comic book films in the early to mid 2000s such as Ben Affleck’s Daredevil or Nicholas Cage’s Ghost Writer. This film kind of pulls at the collar of his career now doesn’t it? The two women screenwriters still though could’ve written it as a role reversal, and I hope that one day someone actually does and makes a film a bit more serious and thought provoking, but for Love, Guaranteed being what it is, it works well enough to coast by in an afternoon of anyone’s leisure. I can’t guarantee you will enjoy this film, but I do have an inkling, being that it made Netflix’s top ten list for a couple of days..which I can guarantee you is no easy feat, being that there is so much other shit on the streaming platform for people to gobble up.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LOST GIRLS & LOVE HOTELS

Harsh critics of Lost In Translation: “What the fuck? Nothing happens in this movie!!!” LOST GIRLS & LOVE HOTELS: “Hold my beer.” This new movie, which was filmed back in 2017 but is finally getting distributed, wasn’t supposed to come to streaming platforms till 9/18. Apparently VUDU didn’t get that memo. To be fair, September 4th was its original release but I think it got delayed because it didn’t want to compete with Tenet, Mulan, New Mutants, & the beginning of The Boys Season 2 for your attention (even though you probably have no clue what this film even is), so they moved it to a date where nothing new comes into theaters. I’m guessing that VUDU didn’t change the film’s date…probably because who’s ever in charge with programming on the website, again, doesn’t even know what this fucking film is to care. It stars Baywatch’s, True Detective Season One Episode Two’s, and Percy’s Jackson’s Alexandra Daddario and if I had to describe it without any details of a plot it would be: Lost In Translation meets a softer core version of 50 Shades of Grey. And literally almost nothing happens in the movie. Well, stuff happens, but I didn’t get anything out of it like I did Lost In Translation. I ended up just buying this on VUDU really quick and watching it, because neither of my boss’s are here at work today (Labor Day weekend), and I’ve already done what I needed to get done work load wise. I bought instead of rented, because I had a $3 VUDU credit, and to own this was only $3 more than rental. Plus, I mean…Daddario does get nude in it (hardly though, lower your expectations), which is her first time since her um…debut…in True Detective Season One Episode Two. You know that scene. In fact, I’m calling it now: #ReleaseTheDaddarioDDCut, because this film is so choppy, meaning it’s editing is a bit much in some scenes, that it seems like all the sex parts were cut for content. Possibly at Daddario’s shy request? I doubt we will ever find out.

But let me get to the positives. First off, this movie isn’t terrible. Alexandra Daddario easily gives the best performance of her career in it. This is the first film I didn’t just see her as “Alexandra Daddario.” To me, that’s a huge accomplishment. In fact, all the acting is pretty damn decent. The film also has some gorgeous shots and cinematography. And some of the situational narrative elements work, but only some. And that’s pretty much it. If you are coming for a decent story to go along with the acting and imagery, look far far elsewhere. In terms of story…whoa…IMDB has a long summary for this, so I’m just going to use that because it would take me about three paragraphs to describe anything of value that happens in this movie and I’d end up just spoiling it: “Margaret (Alexandra Daddario) finds herself in the glittering labyrinth of Tokyo by night and as a respected English teacher of a Japanese flight attendant academy by day. With little life direction, Margaret searches for meaning with fellow ex-pats (Carice Van Houten) in a Japanese dive bar, drinking to remember to forget and losing herself in love hotel encounters with men who satisfy a fleeting craving. When Margaret crosses paths with a dashing Yakuza, Kazu (Takehiro Hira), she falls in love with him despite the danger and tradition that hinders their chances of being together. We follow Margaret through the dark and light of love and what it means to find oneself abroad with a youthful abandon. Helmed by award winning director William Olsson (Reliance), and written by Catherine Hanrahan, Adapted from her acclaimed novel; Lost Girls and Love Hotels.”

Has anyone even heard of this novel? I think its Canadian. I had no idea the author adapted the screenplay from her own book until I just looked it up, but even if she wasn’t, I can probably guarantee you the book is better, because it probably has more what’s and why’s of the inner turmoil of the main character. I felt her plight in this, but I wasn’t convinced by it, if that makes any sense. She just goes and has a lot of dark bondage sex with random Japanese men but I don’t feel that her depression is quite earned in this movie, she needed more of a backstory. We get some, but it’s fleeting and it doesn’t much explain why she does what she does. Unless I missed something. There is some narration at the beginning, parts of the middle, and end of the movie, and I feel as though the movie should’ve been either narrated completely throughout it, or we should’ve gotten a couple of flashbacks to fit more narrative pieces of the puzzle together. This isn’t supposed to be Tenet for God’s sake. Oh well look-e-here…doing some research on the novel, THERE ARE FLASHBACKS IN IT!!! And the flashbacks explain her depression and deep dives into the reasoning of her dark sides of life. WHY WEREN’T THESE INCLUDED IN THE MOVIE?!? Budget perhaps? Even so, if these scenes were filmed and cut…why? If they weren’t…WHY? This would’ve made me more emotionally invested in everything, the “plot,” the characters…I don’t understand what went wrong here. When this movie is officially released, I have a feeling a lot of other critics that watch this will have the same pros and cons as I. The movie is shot well, the acting is solid, the chemistry between Daddario and Takehiro Hira is solid as well, but the movie’s substance is very lacking, making it seem like not much takes place, except for one little minor scuffle at the end. I wanted to love this movie…but most of its structure was…pun intended…lost in translation for me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC

BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC is eerily similar to a release of a third film in a franchise that came out earlier this year, Bad Boys For Life. Both of them are my least favorite of the series thus far, but saying that is definitely non-heinous. Both films have actors that haven’t been in their roles for a long time. Both films actually have more plot than their previous entries in the series. The movies have sweet messages that are very much needed in this nightmare world we are living in right now. However, both movies are a bit awkwardly directed and maybe someone else should’ve been picked for the job, but hey, you get what you pay for, and these sequels were made on relatively smaller budgets than their first entries. But I mean, even on a small budget, it shouldn’t be THAT hard to get the same actor in dual roles in one frame of a shot, instead of doing a shit ton of shot/reverse shots…right? It sounds like a minor complaint, but considering the Bill & Ted series has to do with time travel, confronting different versions of yourself & that the previous movies were able to get both Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in one frame when they were interacting with those dual versions…doesn’t that seem a bit…unforgivable? There are so many quick cut shot/reverse shots in this it was starting to give me a bogus headache. But I digress, the rest of the movie is quite excellent, it’s well acted, it’s funny, it ends the series on a pitch perfect climax and has one of the best after credit scenes I’ve ever seen. Highly recommend that you face your wallet and that you try and take this journey or adventure whenever you’ve got the time, and if you haven’t seen any of the series yet, what are you waiting for?

This series is unique by the fact that both Bill & Ted are just lovable, dumb, clueless, yet sweet goofballs that always do their best to try and do the right thing. They don’t really get mad at anybody, they don’t hold grudges, they don’t curse anyone out or fight anyone. IMDB describes Face The Music as such: “Once told they’d save the universe during a time-traveling adventure, 2 would-be rockers from San Dimas, California find themselves as middle-aged dads still trying to crank out a hit song and fulfill their destiny.” In the third entry, they still are very much in love with their princess wives and interact and love their offspring who are just smarter girl versions of themselves (same mannerisms and all). They have spent three decades trying to save the world, and when we finally see them again, 29 years after the last movie, they haven’t given up. They are still that loyal to the cause. That’s what makes this film unique, is that any other franchise sequel would’ve had them estranged from their wives, turned them into jerks so that they could have a redemption story line, and/or be awful parents and then try to turn them into good parents by films end. Nope, none of that, their only real problem in this is that they only have seventy something minutes to write the song that saves the world, and each time they travel into the future to try and steal the song from themselves, they just get further and further from their goal it seems. It’s quite a simple story, but it is one that ties up everything from the first two films and ends the series pretty much perfectly. Speaking of writing and playing the song that is supposed to unite and save the world, everybody and their mom watching this movie knows that the screenplay writers (Ed Solomon & Chris Matheson wrote all three entries thankfully) could never ever write a good enough song to save the world, so how is this movie going to solve that realistic dilemma without cutting to black right before they play it, a cheap move that a lot of other movies would’ve done to get around that narrative problem? Don’t worry, I won’t reveal what the film does, but needless to say, I didn’t see their solution to that problem coming.

At first I was worried that Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter would’ve seemed off when they first appeared on screen, having not played those roles in 29 years. But they haven’t missed a step. They ARE Bill & Ted, and from minute one you know they are going to be the same lovable duo you grew up watching when you were a kid. I won’t reveal much of their adventure here, but needless to say, it tries to combine the adventures from the first and second movies, mix it together, and make them unique for the third, and I say that everyone pulled it off pretty well. When Reeves and Winter aren’t on screen and stealing the show, it’s the actresses that play their daughters, Samara Weaving & Brigette Lundy-Paine that do. They got all of Bill & Ted’s mannerism and ways of speaking down pat. And when all four of them aren’t on screen, Anthony Carrigan, who plays NoHo Hank on HBO’s Barry, steals it out from under everyone else. I dare not reveal who his character is, but he is the most unrecognizable one of the bunch. And other than the too many shot/reverse shots, the special effects work well enough within the context of the film (definitely better than the first two for sure), and I thought the climax was a bit visually stunning. It’s just a solid good film that maybe could’ve been perfect if they had had a different director and bigger budget. Sorry Dean Parisot, but your one great film, Galaxy Quest, will always be #1 in my heart…but then again you had more money there. Bill & Ted Face The Music is just a nice, sweet movie with a good heart that we need right now, because in 2020, unfortunately no one is excellent to each other, and people keep partying on in a bad way, trying to ignore a virus for political and selfish reasons. I can bet we are all wishing for a phone booth time machine right about now to get out of this hellhole. For now, this film will do.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: CLASS ACTION PARK (HBO Max)

CLASS ACTION PARK is a perfect little documentary that just premiered on HBO Max yesterday. Perfect in its construction and execution. The doc grabs you at first with “holy shit, I can’t believe this was real” laughs and then mid way through the film, keeps your attention by doing a 180 and presenting the cold hard facts of the corruptness and tragedy of it all. It’s not too long and it’s not too short (1 hr and 30 minutes exactly). It makes you want more by the end of it, yet it doesn’t over present its case. Instead it sticks with you long enough after you’ve finished the film where you end up doing the rest of the research on your own. Research that ends up going into too many details, just backing up the docs claims. If this information here to be added onto the movie, say about thirty minutes, making the doc two hours, it would’ve put the casual movie goer to sleep. Per IMDB, it describes Class Action Park as “a documentary that focuses on a dangerously legendary water park and its slew of injuries and crimes along with child safety concerns.” The 2018 Jackass movie Action Point was based on this park. The very much real Action Park was in New Jersey, built in the late 70s, but ended up being more notorious in the early to mid 80s. The first half of the movie presents the park’s origin, and detailed information on specific rides and how dangerous they were. It’s hilarious, “what the fuck”, kind of awful. The documentary is cut and interspersed with actual footage and ads from the park, some not well known celebrities such as Chris Gethard and Alison Becker with their memories of going to the park when they were young (Gethard’s tales are especially hilarious with the way he describes things), and then tales of recollection from the son of the creator of the park and some of the parks employees, high and low.

It’s a very interesting documentary. It makes you laugh, but then it makes you hate everyone involved with the creation of the park, and the upkeep of it. There are rides described (and some shown, either with archive footage or this zany crude original animation) in this film that will make your jaw drop straight to the ground. You don’t know how many times during the film my wife and I said out loud, “how in the fuck did they get away with this?” Luckily, the film answers that question, and even with the political corruptness happening to the United States today, those answers were still shocking to hear. You want to know how bad this park was? I can quickly give you a brief snippet from the doc that will answer that question easily: even Donald motherfucking Trump was about to invest it in back in the 80s before he backed out, deeming that the park was, and I quote, “too nuts.” Donald Trump didn’t even invest in that craziness, let that sink in. And then the documentary makes you sad while angry, as it goes into detail about the 5 deaths that occurred at the park, really focusing on one of those families, the tragedy, and its aftermath. The perfect ending stinger. It brings you in with laughs but then sucker punches you with sadness and anger over the dumb asses that let it all happen. If you aren’t riveted or floored by the end of this doc, then I’m sorry to say that probably no documentary is worth your time, energy and investment. Class Action Park probably won’t win any awards, as this documentary isn’t about poverty, or racism, or injustice, or anything akin to those that do win Oscars at years end, but it is quite effective with the subject matter it presents to its target audience, and at the end of the day, isn’t that a ride worth visiting?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BINGE (Hulu)

THE BINGE is almost literally the same movie as Good Boys…but On Drugs. But don’t worry, the kids are 18 in this, and considering the year this takes place in, I’m surprised that they didn’t just use the characters from that movie and have that be the title of the sequel.The Binge is also a sort of, semi-parody of The Purge movies, described so eloquently in IMDB’s log line for the film: “Set in a time where all drugs and alcohol are illegal, the only day anyone can participate in the “fun” is on Binge day.” The year is 2032, where teenagers that just hit 18 don’t even know what a keg stand is anymore. You’d think maybe it should’ve been ten more years into the future (2042) for that notion to be believable, but believe me when I tell you this, to enjoy this movie, completely leave all logic and reasoning at the door before you hit PLAY. This is a teen comedy if there ever was one. There are drug jokes, dick jokes, sex jokes, crude humor up the wazoo, almost as bad if not worse of the amount there was in Good Boys. Other than The Purge angle, this movie is completely unoriginal. It’s about three friends, one who wants to ask his school Principal’s daughter (who he’s known since he was a kid) to prom. One of them just wants to go to this annual Binge party, take place in a competition there called The Gauntlet, and have sex with one of the hottest girls in school. The last one is that token weirdo that says random ass shit with dead pan delivery we’ve come accustomed to in films like this. You HAVE to watch this movie in a good mood (or at least be able to want to be in a good mood), because if you do, like I did, you are going to have a fantastic and hilarious time. If you aren’t in a good mood and don’t want to have a fantastic time, like most regular critics are with the film, you are just going to rip it a new asshole in terms of originality and the fact that the movie doesn’t do nearly enough to develop how a day like this might really play out in the real world. At least today, I don’t care how unoriginal this film was and we are living in a country that doesn’t give two fucks what it does during a pandemic right now, so I certainly don’t want to watch something that is eerily reminiscent of what we are going through. I just wanted to laugh and I haven’t laughed this hard since last month’s Palm Springs. To conclude this introductory paragraph, Hulu is KILLING IT this year with original movies. I just put The Binge on my top 20 list, and along with Palm Springs, I don’t think I see a Netflix film on there. That’s saying something.

Two out of the three friends are from the recent movie Booksmart, and the main main protagonist Griffin, you might recognize as Skylar Gizondo. He stole the show in Booksmart but really stole every scene in Netflix’s great original series that was cancelled too early, Santa Clarita Diet. He plays it straight here…until he’s on drugs and alcohol. The other two teenagers, played by Dexter Darden and Eduardo Franco, get their moments to shine and made me laugh constantly. Speaking of playing it straight, Vince Vaughn is in this and he plays the school’s principal and the father of the girl that Griffin wants to ask to prom. Mr. Vaughn, even though being the ‘and’ in the opening credits, is in this much more than you initially probably think he would be. At first Vaughn plays the typical stuck up father old man role that hates the annual Binge night (although still with that stinging classic improv from him that makes you do several double takes to understand what just came out of his mouth), but as every minute of the movie ticks by, and the more scenes he is in, the Wedding Crasher comes out of him, and by the end of it he ends up being the funniest he’s ever been since that classic 2005 film. It’s just a really funny fucking movie. There is so much random shit in it, such as really funny auto-correct texting jokes, a giant bar multi-person bicycle, and cocaine in a cow’s eyeball that, for an hour and 38 minutes, made me forget about these shitty times the whole world is going through. I didn’t expect a masterpiece. Sure, you are going to have to suspend your believe in how much drugs and alcohol some of the lead characters do and somehow they still A. survive and B. seem sober the next minute. Especially involving one part of The Gauntlet competition where you have to snort as much cocaine as you can and when you aren’t snorting you have to do an Al Pacino Scarface impression. Yeah, I shit you not, that is in this movie. There is even an end of second act random drug trip lovely musical sequence. The film right now is doing TERRIBLE critically, it’s 22% on Rotten Tomatoes. This is one time where I completely disagree with the critics. They are especially being too harsh on the film, and you can tell all of them completely brought their brain into the mix when they hit the PLAY button. They are calling it irresponsible, inate, and wasted potential. I have a feeling that some of these critics just can’t be put into a good mood right now. I understand. But you have to WANT to be in a good mood to enjoy a film like this. And trust me, with 2020, every minute I want to binge on a high of good moods.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE ONE AND ONLY IVAN (Disney+)

THE ONE AND ONLY IVAN, that just premiered today on Disney+, is just another standard talking animal movie. Designed to hit you in the feels with a couple of moments while watching it, but those feelings lost in time almost immediately afterward. Kids will enjoy it more than adults, but some of the younger ones might be cuddling up with their parents during the sadder and darker moments. Not that there’s a lot of those moments, because it really is just a harmless kids film but I doubt neither you or your kids are going to be singing its praises for a re-watch or two. Ivan is filled with excellent voice acting, particularly from Sam Rockwell and Brooklynn Prince, and a solid live action performance from Bryan Cranston, but did you expect anything less with the latter, as this is Heisenberg we are talking about here? I don’t think Cranston has the heart to ever phone it in. At the start of the movie, I was afraid it was going to go down certain predictable story paths we’ve seen before. You see, I have heard about this film very little, have seen only a screenshot or two online and didn’t watch the trailer. Almost went in completely blind. At first I thought it was going to be another “save the **insert business here** movie,” then it switched direction and I thought it was going to be another “jealousy between old and new talent” movie but in the end it (thankfully) became a “captivity” movie, although it didn’t have much to say as I felt like a lot was held back. Disney style.

That “captivity” conversation is held back mainly due to the fact that the film really didn’t have a centralized villain, such as a greedy animal tamer, unless you count depression and death as the villain. Which maybe it did? If it did that wasn’t quite clear. Bryan Cranston’s character is a kind-hearted but clueless mini mall circus owner, so do you really think that near the end of the film he is going to have a sudden mean streak, be an asshole and not let his animals go back out into the wild? Yeah…no. That doesn’t happen and if it did, that’s where the movie would have lost me. IMDB describes THE ONE AND ONLY IVAN as such: “A gorilla named Ivan tries to piece together his past with the help of an elephant named Stella as they hatch a plan to escape from captivity.” The log line is a little misleading as there is nothing to piece together from his past, he remembers all of it and knows he eventually wants freedom. It’s more just “telling his tale” than piecing together anything. And the “hatching a plan to escape part” is only in 5 to 7 minutes of the film, ends even more quickly and is used more as a comic relief scene than it does trying to be something meaningful. Screenplay writer Mike White, who has written such gems as School of Rock, The Good Girl, and Orange county seems to be on a weird and calm autopilot here, not really putting much “inspiration” into the Inspired By A True Story title card the film puts on the screen before the movie starts.

The movie isn’t bad, it’s just okay…it’s just there. Certainly not the worst thing Disney+ has given us thus far, but if you have nothing even half way challenging The Mandalorian’s throne, what good are you really? But…you and yours might like this film a lot more than I did. Sam Rockwell as Ivan and Brooklynn Prince as Ruby did tremendous jobs with their voice acting and those two’s work might be worth a one time watch alone. The CGI of the animals was also pretty tame and not jarring in the least, and the faces of the animals talking actually looked like they had personalities, kind of like Disney+’s recent live action adaptation of The Lady and The Tramp, and thankfully unlike an audience overrated “live-action” remake last year where the lions…errr, all the animals looked like bored talking robots. I just want something more from these original movies on these streaming platforms. Everything seems to be on autopilot with these originals, using some blueprint that has a bunch of wear and tear because it has been used too many times in too many things. Surely there is something more that these originals can bring to the table? But I have a feeling The House of Mouse is holding some of these projects back if it doesn’t fit their family-friendly “brand.” There are other darker and sadder places this movie could have and probably should have gone to make its messages and themes hit home more, but that doesn’t fit in with Disney’s brand, so out that goes. Are we really going to keep shielding adults and children that can obviously handle the truth? **gets handed a cease and desist order** Goofy: “Gosh, Zach, shut up, you’re making us look bad…HYUK!”

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LOST HUSBAND

Good…God…what the actual fucking fuck am I watching? Okay, so we all know that Netflix does their top ten streaming offerings per day right? The only reason why I knew that this new straight to streaming movie, THE LOST HUSBAND, even fucking existed is because of that list, which this film has it has been all over the place the past couple of weeks, #3 yesterday when I actually had the gall to press play. What is wrong with you people? Seeing what has been on there ever since that list came to pass, I now know that at least 50 to 75% of those picks are bullshit. I mean, for fuck’s sake, this was fucking awful. So so so so so slow and boring and if my 3 year old son suddenly asked me if he could deck me to put me out of my misery from watching any more of it, I would’ve gladly let his little fist knock me the fuck out. The only reason, I repeat, the ONLY reason I am not putting this in my top ten worst films list, is because the little 1% of my brain that isn’t mad at me for giving this film a try is making me realize this film isn’t for me. I’m not the target audience. Then who is? People that love those Lifetime movie schmaltzy lovey-dovey bullshit. And the fact that all involved could act, including leads Leslie Bibb, Nora Dunn, and Josh Duhamel. But lord, this has every cliche in the book. There is even a scene of a main character hearing gossip outside of the bathroom stall that she’s in to some bitches that just treated her nice 5 minutes earlier. HOW MANY TIMES HAS THAT BEEN DONE BEFORE?!?!?

Per IMDB, it describes The Lost Husband as such: “Trying to put her life back together after the death of her husband, Libby (Leslie Bibb) and her children move to her estranged Aunt’s (Nora Dunn) goat farm in central Texas.” Not only does the movie throw into the ring the cliche of Libby finding out some secrets about her family, but do you or do you not think she’s going to end up with the sexy ranch hand that up keeps the farm, played by Josh Duhamel? And do you think this ranch hand has some sappy and sad baggage of his own? Spoiler alert: does a goat shit on a farm? This movie seems to be so dramatic, lifetime-y, and sob-festy, that I can’t decide if it’s sincere or if it’s treating its target audience as if they were idiots? Everything about it is just lazy screenplay writing 101. The kids adjust to new life on the farm, but of course not at school, where of course they get cliched bullied, of which their new school has a no physical altercation policy, “only use your words,” but if you use a bad word then you are fucked anyway. The writer/director Vicky Wright hasn’t done much else in her career, so suffice to say not much thought was put into this story or project is a no brainer. It seemed like Josh Duhamel’s character’s baggage might actually be pretty hefty, something to make me sit up and pay attention, but when I hit the pause button, and found out there was only 18 minutes of the film left, I knew that it would be solved in his mind off screen and everything would be okay in the end without much or if any explanation. Was I right? Spoiler alert: does a cow shit on a farm?

There is even A GOD DAMN SEANCE IN THIS MOVIE. I SHIT YOU NOT. At least the seance didn’t step into “jump the shark” territory, like the woman having a vision of her dead husband’s ghost, but it was a scene that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Just forced characterization, such as of course the young woman at the feed store that is close with Libby’s aunt happens to read palm lines and perform seances. OF COURSE SHE DOES! At least all the actors seemed like they wanted to be there and weren’t just reading their lines for a paycheck, I’ve got to at least give them that credit. But like, did Leslie Bibb show her partner Sam Rockwell this screenplay and did he approve? Or was she just so desperate for work that she’ll say yes to about anything nowadays. Leslie Bibb, you are better than this movie. Remember how you stole all of your scenes in Talladega Nights? What happened to that Leslie Bibb? Josh Duhamel, come on, what are you doing man? You were great as the dad in Love, Simon. You are better than this. If any of you that read my reviews watches this and likes it, do me a favor and just stop watching movies. Because you have SHIT taste. Oh my God am I glad theaters are finally starting to open up and show new shit. I am about to be done trying to scour all the streaming sites looking for anything, no matter how great or how shitty, to review. I’m lost in what good can be found in this giant pile of shit. I’m so tired of these shitty direct to streaming streamers. I’m just tired and I’m just lost in general. Hopefully this weekend, with Inception’s re release and Unhinged, my mind can be found again.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: STRAIGHT UP

Fans of Gilmore Girls will love this new find that I just recently found on Netflix (& you can rent on demand if you don’t have Netflix) called STRAIGHT UP. Not only because the main girl protagonist’s name is Rory and she and the male protagonist both happen to mention they love the show Gilmore Girls but because this film shares one very big identifying trait that was present in that series: rapid fire witty dialogue. Which is probably why it mentioned the television show, so that we critics think that it is more of an homage and not a straight up rip off. And it does come off as an homage, mainly because the rest of the story goes well right along with it. It’s definitely a dialogue rom-com, so if you are looking for any…ZANY physical comedy situation to arise somewhere in this film, look elsewhere. This movie is shot like a Wes Anderson film, symmetrical stable shots with no dollies or any complicated shots, and the story is told mainly through the dialogue and the fantastic acting by both leads, Kate Findlay and James Sweeney, the latter who both wrote and directed this film. That’s also part of why this movie felt realistic, because he had his hand in literally all of the production. This is one of those streaming films that you can put on in the background and still follow the story even if you aren’t looking at the screen, but I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that you’d miss some great facial expression reactions in doing so.

Per IMDB, Straight Up is described as follows: “Todd and Rory are intellectual soul mates. He might be gay. She might not care. A romantic-comedy drama with a twist; a love story without the thrill of copulation.” While the movie doesn’t have a clear cut ending, as it leaves a couple of tiny threads ambiguous, it doesn’t matter as the narrative ends exactly when it needs to. The dialogue in this grabs you from minute one and doesn’t let up until the end credits. Yes, I love action movies, but I also love when a movie breathes a little with a lot of talking as long as it doesn’t feel forced or unrealistic. The rapid fire exchanges between everyone feel realistic here, and a lot of one liners will make you laugh your ass off. The two more recognizable faces in this are Randall Park and Betsy Brandt as Todd’s parents, and their 5 to 10 minutes of screen time is some of the most chuckle worthy yet emotional in the film. I found Todd’s reasoning for not wanting to be with men, because of bodily fluids, especially poop, to be realistically hilarious yet kind of sad at the same time, and I found Kate’s reasoning for not really needing sex but an intellectual male partner on the same level and realistic as Todd’s OCD. I just really liked the story and the dialogue. I’ll be straight with you: this isn’t a masterpiece by far, but it is a solid, solid one time watch, specially if you are a dialogue fan like me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPUTNIK

SPUTNIK is one of the best films of 2020 so far, and statistics say that about 95% of Americans won’t give it a try at all. Why? Because it is a Russian made film with subtitles. But I implore you, just like 2019’s Oscar Best Picture Winner Parasite, look past the subtitles and different language and just try to enjoy yourselves. Like with most subtitle films, I forget I am even reading them only 10 to 15 minutes into the movie, especially if the movie is fantastically entertaining. If you actually do give this a chance, you might be scratching your head at the beginning and would want to say to me, “Zach, have you gone nuts, this is basically an Alien like clone and/or a spiritual sequel to it or Life.” Keep watching, it isn’t and it becomes its own thing. It also has several backstories to characters that have tremendous emotional payoffs in the last 5-10 minutes of the movie. This is one of those sci-fi films that actually cares about its characters and aren’t just fodder for some kind of extra terrestrial entity to kill and up the movies’ body count. Combined with an incredible score, probably the best I’ve heard all year so far as well, a solid story, several well execute and earned scares, great gory CGI, and a fantastic central performance from lead actress Oksana Akinshina, Sputnik is a must see. If you don’t want to because of actually having to read, I hope your subtitle guilt eats you up inside (pun intended, you’ll see) as you are really missing out.

Per IMDB, Sputnik is described as follows: “The lone survivor of an enigmatic spaceship incident hasn’t returned back home alone-hiding inside his body is a dangerous creature.” After watching the movie, I was wondering why the movie was titled that as Sputnik it was the name of the first artificial satellite put in orbit around the earth. However, doing some more research I found out that it is also the Russian word for ‘companion’ or ‘fellow traveler’, alluding to the companion the commander brings along. Brilliant. And no, the alien doesn’t just burst out of the guys chest like alien, it is a bit more complicated than that. I want to explain the brilliance of why it inhabits this astronauts body, but that would ruin some of the fun, suffice to say, the film quickly becomes it’s own thing and your fears should be quickly eradicated that it is a direct rip off of Alien. This is going to be a pretty short review because I don’t know any of the writers, directors, or main players, but suffice to say the film is written very well, shot very well, the CGI is used sparingly and looks realistic, and actress Oksana Akinshina gives a fantastic performance, and thankfully wasn’t just a Ellen Ripley rip off, she’s her own strong female force. I appreciate the little things. I also appreciated that while the motivations of the ‘villains’ could be looked at as ‘cookie cutter’ in some places, in other places they weren’t and were actually kind of unique. You’ll see if you watch and actually pay attention. While the recently watched Archive was smart sci-fi up until the last 5 minutes of the movie, Sputnik is smart sci-fi for the entire hour and 53 minutes, never a dull moment, no tricks or facades, it knows its audience can think for once. Please comrades, I’d like some more.