Good…God…what the actual fucking fuck am I watching? Okay, so we all know that Netflix does their top ten streaming offerings per day right? The only reason why I knew that this new straight to streaming movie, THE LOST HUSBAND, even fucking existed is because of that list, which this film has it has been all over the place the past couple of weeks, #3 yesterday when I actually had the gall to press play. What is wrong with you people? Seeing what has been on there ever since that list came to pass, I now know that at least 50 to 75% of those picks are bullshit. I mean, for fuck’s sake, this was fucking awful. So so so so so slow and boring and if my 3 year old son suddenly asked me if he could deck me to put me out of my misery from watching any more of it, I would’ve gladly let his little fist knock me the fuck out. The only reason, I repeat, the ONLY reason I am not putting this in my top ten worst films list, is because the little 1% of my brain that isn’t mad at me for giving this film a try is making me realize this film isn’t for me. I’m not the target audience. Then who is? People that love those Lifetime movie schmaltzy lovey-dovey bullshit. And the fact that all involved could act, including leads Leslie Bibb, Nora Dunn, and Josh Duhamel. But lord, this has every cliche in the book. There is even a scene of a main character hearing gossip outside of the bathroom stall that she’s in to some bitches that just treated her nice 5 minutes earlier. HOW MANY TIMES HAS THAT BEEN DONE BEFORE?!?!?
Per IMDB, it describes The Lost Husband as such: “Trying to put her life back together after the death of her husband, Libby (Leslie Bibb) and her children move to her estranged Aunt’s (Nora Dunn) goat farm in central Texas.” Not only does the movie throw into the ring the cliche of Libby finding out some secrets about her family, but do you or do you not think she’s going to end up with the sexy ranch hand that up keeps the farm, played by Josh Duhamel? And do you think this ranch hand has some sappy and sad baggage of his own? Spoiler alert: does a goat shit on a farm? This movie seems to be so dramatic, lifetime-y, and sob-festy, that I can’t decide if it’s sincere or if it’s treating its target audience as if they were idiots? Everything about it is just lazy screenplay writing 101. The kids adjust to new life on the farm, but of course not at school, where of course they get cliched bullied, of which their new school has a no physical altercation policy, “only use your words,” but if you use a bad word then you are fucked anyway. The writer/director Vicky Wright hasn’t done much else in her career, so suffice to say not much thought was put into this story or project is a no brainer. It seemed like Josh Duhamel’s character’s baggage might actually be pretty hefty, something to make me sit up and pay attention, but when I hit the pause button, and found out there was only 18 minutes of the film left, I knew that it would be solved in his mind off screen and everything would be okay in the end without much or if any explanation. Was I right? Spoiler alert: does a cow shit on a farm?
There is even A GOD DAMN SEANCE IN THIS MOVIE. I SHIT YOU NOT. At least the seance didn’t step into “jump the shark” territory, like the woman having a vision of her dead husband’s ghost, but it was a scene that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Just forced characterization, such as of course the young woman at the feed store that is close with Libby’s aunt happens to read palm lines and perform seances. OF COURSE SHE DOES! At least all the actors seemed like they wanted to be there and weren’t just reading their lines for a paycheck, I’ve got to at least give them that credit. But like, did Leslie Bibb show her partner Sam Rockwell this screenplay and did he approve? Or was she just so desperate for work that she’ll say yes to about anything nowadays. Leslie Bibb, you are better than this movie. Remember how you stole all of your scenes in Talladega Nights? What happened to that Leslie Bibb? Josh Duhamel, come on, what are you doing man? You were great as the dad in Love, Simon. You are better than this. If any of you that read my reviews watches this and likes it, do me a favor and just stop watching movies. Because you have SHIT taste. Oh my God am I glad theaters are finally starting to open up and show new shit. I am about to be done trying to scour all the streaming sites looking for anything, no matter how great or how shitty, to review. I’m lost in what good can be found in this giant pile of shit. I’m so tired of these shitty direct to streaming streamers. I’m just tired and I’m just lost in general. Hopefully this weekend, with Inception’s re release and Unhinged, my mind can be found again.