Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: FILMS I COULDN’T FINISH IN BUTTFUCKING 2020

UPDATED 10/6/2020. If you are seeing this, congratulations, you are one of the few that liked my page on Facebook that gives a damn about reading these. Or you follow this blog on WordPress. From now on they are going to be all different. No hashtags. No tags. No shares. Nothing. If you don’t see it on the Zach’s Zany Movie Review page on Facebook or if you aren’t following my blog on WordPress, then I don’t give a fuck, because you obviously don’t. 2020 has been the worst year of my life, and I blame it entirely on three things: 1. Movie Studios For Delaying Films 2. The Governors of States such as New York, California, and New Mexico that have opened gyms, restaurants and indoor dining, but not movie theaters and 3. CUNT BUTTFUCKING ASSHOLE COVID-19. But there is a secret fourth thing I blame this shitty year on: you. Yes, that’s right…YOU. Well some of you. The pussies and cowards out there that won’t go to a theater because they don’t think it is “safe” right now. Even though there HAS NOT BEEN ONE FUCKING POSITIVE CASE OF COVID-19 TO COME OUT OF A FUCKING MOVIE THEATER SINCE THEY REOPENED IN LATE JUNE.

I’m past the point of caring how some of you feel. The lot of you that didn’t go to a theater and see something like Tenet, Broken Hearts Gallery, Unhinged, or even New Mutants, you are partly to blame why theaters are shutting back down and why we are getting these stupid fucking piece of shit straight to streaming/PVOD movies that I can’t get an acquired taste for. So fuck you, pussy. But alas, I’ve calmed down just a little bit to keep doing these reviews how & where I see fit. So with nothing to really review until Adam Sandler’s shitty new Netflix original movie Hubie Halloween on Wednesday, I came up with something a little…zanier. I’m going to briefly talk about three movies I couldn’t even fucking finish they were so terrible that came out this year 2020. And for the rest of the year, I will just keep adding on to this list if I can’t finish anything else, so check back I’d say once a week, just in case. These will not be on my Top 10 Shittiest Films of the year list. My rule is, if I can’t finish a movie/TV series, I can’t review it fully or put it on a list at years end. That’s the tea, bitch. So let’s just get to it shall we before I start to go off into another rant.

SCARE PACKAGE

SCARE PACKAGE is about to be available to regular rent & buy in a week or two, after premiering on the Shudder app months ago. When I signed up for the 7 day free trial to specifically watch Host (which was half way decent) I didn’t want my free trial to go to waste, so I saw that Scare Package had released this year, and clicked the play button because the description seemed interesting in that it was basically a mini horror movie anthology wrapped around a centralized plot. Kind of like V/H/S or even the Twilight Zone movie. IMDB describes Scare Package with the following: “Chad, the owner of Rad Chad’s Horror Emporium, recounts a series of bone-chilling, blood-splattered tales to illustrate the rules of the horror genre to his newest employee.”

GOD AWFUL. I think I shut it off around minute 30-35, can’t exactly remember as it was a couple of months ago. The tales were stupid, too over-the-top, not scary, not realistic, just dumb dumb dumb fucking schlock. I think at the time I stopped it at, I got through maybe 3 to 4 tales? There was no way it was going to get any better. One of Rian Johnson’s right hand mans, Noah Segan, is in one of these and I think even wrote/directed his segment, but maybe he should just stick to do little side gigs in Johnson’s movies, because he didn’t cut it even close here quality wise (Rian’s other right hand man is Joseph Gordon-Levitt). But yeah. There isn’t much to say because I couldn’t even make it half way to the 1 hr and 47 minute run time. There was one tale with potential with trapped teenagers in a basement where the killer just won’t die and has everybody turn on one another, but the execution of it is botched horribly. I don’t even think this is one of those so bad its good films that you can make fun of during and have a good time with friends with. It was THAT bad.

2. IMPRACTICAL JOKERS: THE MOVIE

Absolutely unwatchable unless you suck the regular show’s dick on TruTV for some reason. IMPRACTICAL JOKERS: THE MOVIE should’ve been a television special film for TruTV, there is no way this should’ve been released in theaters right before COVID-19 fucked up this world. I got through about 20-25 minutes of this drivel with a short run time of an 1 hr and 32 minutes. Usually comedies are really funny at the beginning but start to peter off a little bit after the half way point. This was crickets minute one. Per IMDB, it describes this film with the following: “The story of a humiliating high school mishap from 1992 that sends the Impractical Jokers on the road competing in hidden-camera challenges for the chance to turn back the clock and redeem three of the four Jokers.”

As you can probably tell, this is like a really, really shitty, dumbed down, PG-13 version of any of the Jackass Movies or hell, even Jackass: Bad Grandpa, the former that tried to tie some kind of fake plot with the real jokes and shenanigans. With this IJ movie, I only got to one hidden-camera segment, and a third of the movie was already almost up. One of them dressed like Santa in a mall, they had an ear piece in his ear, telling him to say a bunch of goofy and weird stuff to the kids, all of it lame, none of it controversial or trying to push any boundaries, and there were absolutely no chuckles out of me. And the real life “plot” that is supposed to intersect all of these real camera jokes and shenanigans is so fucking dumb and boring, something to do with Paula Abdul and going back stage to one of her new concerts, giving them another chance after they ruined her concert in 1992? And it’s been 28 years later and she looks the exact same, no computer enhancements? Please. This was ‘shoot myself in the head to make it end’ boring and awful.

3. DOWNHILL

Was there even a script to this remake of a very popular international film that I never saw called Force Majeure? DOWNHILL is the perfect title for this film. Because even from minute one, the comedy, plot, and characters started going downhill, and kept going before I finally turned it off minute 25 out of a very short hour and 26 minute runtime. IMDB describes the film with the following: “Barely escaping an avalanche during a family ski vacation in the Alps, a married couple is thrown into disarray as they are forced to reevaluate their lives and how they feel about each other.” This is supposed to be a dark comedy…sort of…and even though I only got through the first third of the movie, I did not laugh or chuckle once, I hated the characters, the inciting incident made no sense, and it just seemed like it was all improv comedy, with no script, just an outline of scenes of what is supposed to happen, and I usually hate shit like that.

If you couldn’t stand Will Ferrell is Eurovision this year, he should probably get an Oscar for that performance as here he is unbearable, bad and boring. Just a dumb, boring, and stupid character. Julia Louis-Dreyfus isn’t any better. She looks exhausted from finishing Veep and just did this for the paycheck. She looks bored as hell here and I usually think she’s a comedic genius. Will Ferrell used to be good back in the 90s/early 2000s. The real problem with what I saw was the “script” by ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS Jim Rash and Nat Faxon, which just goes to show you that the Oscar probably should’ve went solely to Alexander Payne for The Descendants, with the other two just getting a participation pat on the back. Anybody who actually finished this movie, I feel sympathy for you.

4. BLACK IS KING

We have a record low for how long I put up with something before completely abandoning it: 8 minutes. I lasted through Beyonce’s Disney+ exclusive Black Is King for 8 excruciating minutes. IMDB’s description for this is very simple: “Visual album from Beyoncé inspired by ‘The Lion King’.” I would probably add the words self indulgent and self fulfilling before the words visual here. For the 8 weird minutes that I saw it seemed to be random colorful images of different landscapes, people, and of course, her and it was all a very off key (not singing, film wise), off plot, off centered (not the frame, the message), horribly too expressionistic and a horribly too experimental take on The Lion King. It’s so unfocused, confusing, and awkward that if you were to put someone in front of their tv to watch this and didn’t tell them shit about it, they probably wouldn’t even figure out that it was inspired by The Lion King. Instead when her husband Jay-Z shows up (I didn’t see this part, just read about it) the person watching would probably just roll their eyes and tell Beyonce to just stick to writing and singing original songs and quit this garbage. I’m doing two paragraphs with each review but with only 8 minutes, I can no longer talk about it. Nor do I want to talk about it anymore anyway.

5. SCARE ME

Oh look at what we have here, yet another Shudder original film. I think after this last 7 day free trial go around (this is my 4th), I think I’m done with Shudder. If anything were to ever be critically acclaimed and there is talk about a project possibly getting big award nominations at the end of the year, I know that after 6 months it will be rent-able and not just exclusive to the app. I stopped this right at minute 35 and what frustrates me so much is that it had so much potential in it. IMDB describes the film with the following: “During a power outage, two strangers tell scary stories. The more Fred and Fanny commit to their tales, the more the stories come to life in their Catskills cabin. The horrors of reality manifest when Fred confronts his ultimate fear.” It stars Aya Cash, who many of you know as Stormfront in Season 2 of the boys, writer/director (who’s to blame here) Josh Ruben from You’re The Worst (Aya Cash was also in that series, so I see how he probably easily roped her into this), and Chris Redd from Saturday Night Live (I did not get to Chris Redd entering the frame, but apparently he shows up an hour in). What sucks is that the stories really don’t come to life. “But Zach, how would you know this seeing as you only watched 35 minutes of the hour and 42 minute movie?” It’s because I went to an ‘Endings Explained’ website and I read what happened from when I stopped watching all the way to the end credits.

Nothing really happens until the last 20 minutes of the movie and what does happen is just slasher film cliched bullshit wrapped around and obscuring an interesting message about feminism vs. masculinity. The whole film is either Fred telling un-scary tales to Fanny, while she’s just looking at him making facial expressions and interjecting how his stories don’t make any sense and he is up on his feet doing motions and making some cool sound effects. Then when she’s telling her tales, it’s just vice versa. What the movie really needed was A. A MUCH Bigger Budget and B. Scenes that SHOW the tales the characters are telling. Again, this is a tell and no show problem. Always show, not tell, and when your budget is limited to telling, maybe turn your screenplay into a short story or novel instead. Sure, when he’s telling his werewolf story it shows a cool and creepy werewolf hand outstretched in the shadows (that’s about it visually with showing any of the monsters in their stories) and the film’s sound effects are tight. And sure, Aya Cash tries to liven up her tales with her lively personality (she is absolutely not at fault here), but without scenes edited into their narration showing what they are telling, actually making a scary anthology movie type thing…the interesting message that lay at the heart of the movie (which again, I didn’t get to it, I just read about it) isn’t earned in the slightest.

P.S. I saw all of these at home, but if I were to pay to watch them in a theater, I would’ve probably walked out, these were THAT bad. I hardly ever stop watching or walk out of anything…I guess 2020 has changed me in that regard with all the bullshit we’ve gotten this year. Anyway, I’ll add to the list if there are anymore. Check back, but I wouldn’t say check back often.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX (Netflix)

Yes, VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX is a real Netflix original movie, but no, the movie isn’t as fun and schlocky as it sounds, and that is part of its problem. With a title like this one, or Snakes On A Plane, or Sharknado, you either go full fun, non-scary, dumb yet entertaining schlock, or you go home. This movie tries to be too The Lost Boys or Blade, and in doing so, doesn’t even get close to replicating their classic magic, and so this films title doesn’t live up to what is seemingly promised. This movie is too tonally in the middle of all those movies I just mentioned, which in turn makes it a cookie cutter, run of the mill, PG-13, bloodless, ho-hum, lame, by the numbers, assembly line product you’ve already seen and rejected before. I should’ve expected it though. The marketing for it, which little there was, only started the week before this film premiered, the trailer was bland, and the poster for it is one of the worst photo shopped shitty pieces of art that I’ve ever seen in my life. However, after watching the whole thing, it is not one of the worst films of the year. It’s just…there…and in about a week will be lost with all the other standard stuff that Netflix keeps rolling out each and every week. It’s frustrating because this film does show a lot of promise as I laughed out loud at some of the jokes, the film even has some familiar faces in it and everybody involved seemed like they wanted to be there. But it didn’t go where it needed to go to be a memorable schlocky romp that I was hoping it was going to be. It’s as if you opened up a coffin in a scary castle, saw the most vicious looking vampire you have ever seen in your life and they suddenly open their eyes. Yet it somehow isn’t intimidating to you, so you yawn, close the coffin, walk away and the son of a bitch doesn’t even have the audacity to try and chase you down and drink your blood.

Per IMDB, it describes this movie as: “A group of young friends from the Bronx fight to save their neighborhood from gentrification…and vampires.” It’s a simple description, yet reading between the lines it teases something that could be quite special. I was expecting it say something about race, gentrification, and middle-class. In a nutshell, I was expecting it to poke fun at white people. I mean, not that this really is a spoiler, but the heroes and good guys in this are African-American kids, their parents, and the community around them…and the vampires are all white for goodness sake. Surely the film would play with that and say several somethings about that scenario to its advantage, but other than one gangster pulling out a gun and calling one of the vampire’s ‘Hamilton’ because of its git-up, there are no really no other solid or smart jokes that cater to what the film might be trying to get at. In the end, there wasn’t enough tonal focus for me to even say with any complete confidence if the film even truly had a message buried deep down inside it, because it was all over the place tonally. There is a small fun scene, that only lasts less than 20 seconds, of our heroes stocking up on vampire hunting gear that was interesting, such as filling water balloons with holy water, but that kind of goofy fun (it reminded me of writer/director Edgar Wright and his ‘getting ready close up quick shots’) was short lived nor was it done as often as it should have. And there is only one funny vampire kill. That just cannot be in a film titled Vampires Vs. The Bronx. Not to mention all the kills are bloodless, off camera, and if a vampire does get killed we get that shitty disintegrating CGI that makes Blade’s seem as though it should’ve been nominated for an Oscar in special effects.

I hardly blame the direction, it’s completely the screenplay. The movie looks and feels like a movie, as director Osmany Rodriguez keeps shots somewhat dark in tone, and even in the daylight there was a gritty feel to the cinematography. I kind of dug the look of everything. The screenplay is co-written by him, but the other writer is a white guy. Remember how some of you felt that Antebellum or Green Book was inauthentic because a writer/co-writer/director was white? Same thing here, and I think that this Blaise Hemingway…who co-wrote Uglydolls and the awful Playmobile: The Movie mind you, should’ve taken a story by credit and handed the script fully to Osmany or another writer for a full rewrite. The familiar faces, Sarah Gadon, Shea Whigham, Method Man, and a glorified cameo from Zoe Saldana, look like they are having fun and want to be there, and the 4 hero kids definitely look like they want to be there and are having fun, but the final product doesn’t match their enthusiasm. The vampires come off as really stupid, and not in a fun, smart and jokingly way either. The action is tepid, there are no scares, tension, or any build up, and there is definitely not that much character development. I would even go to say that there were way too many characters for that given that it clocks in at only an hour and 25 minutes. Not really any plot arcs for any of them other than them telling the adults “told you so.” This film should’ve been about half an hour longer and taken its time getting to its revelations. The kids find out about the vampires not more than 15 minutes into this. In the end though, the most offensive thing about this movie is it’s title. It should’ve been titled something such as Bronx Nights or Blood Of The Bronx or it could have even sort of stolen Wes Craven’s shitty, mid-90s Eddie Murphy film and have it be called Vampires In The Bronx. Sorry, this movie does not earn the v or the s.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BOYS IN THE BAND (Netflix)

Well, I can guarantee you one thing, there will be no other program this year that will have as many penises and man’s asses as this movie does! THE BOYS IN THE BAND is a film that just premiered on Netflix that is based off the 1968 play and the 1970 feature film of the same name. It’s a pure conversational dialogue movie, meaning that there are basically two main rooms characters talk and the story of the lives and tribulations of the characters are told through word and description. So if you snooze at anything Tarantino, and didn’t like Fences, or fuck, if you just don’t like going to and watching plays, this film probably isn’t for you. Also, if you don’t like or uncomfortable around gay people, you might not like this either, but it’s 2020, get with the program please. Luckily, I am a dialogue connoisseur and will take in all genres of different things, and I also do not care who anyone identifies as or who anybody loves either. Frankly I’m a little puzzled at why some bigots care so much. Per IMDB, it describes this iteration of The Boys In The Band as: “At a birthday party in 1968 New York, a surprise guest and a drunken game leave seven gay friends reckoning with unspoken feelings and buried truths.” The movie, mostly, takes place all at this birthday party, in a cozy small New York apartment. The dialogue is fast and furious, a la Gilmore Girls, however the movie slows it down a bit in those small and intimate moments where an important point is being made. And while I’ve never seen an iteration of the play or the 1970 William Friedkin film, I quite enjoyed this version, as the characters and dialogue kept my interest throughout the entire 2 hour run time. Makes me want to watch Freidkin’s film now, considering the other things he’s directed, such as The Exorcist and The French Connection.

Let’s just get this out of the way, I’m a heterosexual, so I probably didn’t get some of the inside jokes that I would know if I was gay, but I got the jist and most of everything else, and the film got me pretty emotional thinking about what gay people must’ve been going through not just in 1968, but today as well. Doing some research, back in that time when the play and movie premiered not too long after one another, a lot of people in the gay community were as horrified by the depiction of the life that might befall them and that it did a lot of harm to gay people rather than good. Some didn’t like it because they thought both the play and the movie portrayed a group of gay men wallowing in self-pity, with no redeeming qualities and not a likable character among them. I happen to disagree. The characters have their flaws but they all seem good at heart and the only unlikable character happens to be the straight man that invites himself to the party. And if you pay attention to the film closely, read between some of the lines if you will, I think the movie says what it needed to say rather subtly more than just conking you on the head over and over again, which I appreciated. What is said is rather important and heartbreaking, but it needs to be heard. Still does today. I guess Michael, played here by Jim Parsons, could be considering unlikable based on the game he makes the party guests play in the second half of the film, however if you look at it in a different light, he’s screaming out for help. They all are.

The acting in this is fantastic. The faces you will know are Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Zachary Quinto (Heroes, Star Trek) and Matt Bomer (White Collar). Not just those three, but everyone does a great job here. The best performance is easily Parsons, who I finally saw as playing an actual different character that wasn’t just another iteration of Sheldon Cooper (he says the non fuck f word a shit ton here and even says ‘cunt’ several times, things that Cooper wouldn’t even think of saying). I loved how in those two hours you felt like you really got to know every party guest there, their feelings, their longing desires, their secrets, and what the rest of their lives might hold in store for them. Some of it is loving, some of it is heartbreaking, some of it is frightening, but none of it is uninteresting. The dialogue flies off the tongue, some of it so fast you might have to do a double take and rewind a couple of times just so you can digest all that was said. Unfortunately it is the actors that make the movie their own and not combined with the direction. The director, Joe Mantello, who I’m not familiar with, is definitely an actor’s director, but did nothing to extinguish himself visually. It all felt like a point and shoot affair that could’ve been done by anybody that knows how to work a camera and can get along with anybody. Then again, maybe this movie didn’t have to have a visual flair, seeing that it is basically just a play, and when you go to a play, you are doing the pointing and shooting with your eyes and ears. If you’ve never seen a version of this movie or the play, this is a pretty well done starter experience for you. Just expect to see a bunch of man ass and penises, something I don’t think was present in the 1970 movie nor the 1968 play. If that bothers you, I don’t know what to say. Grow up, maybe?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MOST DANGEROUS GAME (Quibi)

Unlike the shit show last night during the debate, Quibi’s MOST DANGEROUS GAME is certainly not a shit show. In fact, it takes The Stranger’s place as being my favorite thing I’ve watched on this quirky little app to date. I’m starting to come around on Quibi as I’m finding more and more things on there that peak my interest. Thank God it’s free or I never would’ve discovered it. And no, I’m not a fucking shill, it’s just that all three webisode series I’ve watched, I’ve been constantly entertained, even when the content was only okay (The Fugitive). Sometimes much more entertaining than a lot of the stuff Netflix just sputters out every day. Yes, yet again I’m reviewing this as a movie than a webisode TV series. Especially Most Dangerous Game, as it is easily the best shot, best looking, best acted, and most cinematic of the three that I’ve blazed through. It has a fantastic performance by Christoph Waltz, who was nominated for a supporting Emmy for this (when doesn’t he get nominated though?), and probably the best performance of Liam Hemsworth’s career, yes, he can do more than just look wooden during The Hunger Games (even though this is similar to those movies, kind of, he even cries in this and is believable!). I was unbelievably entertained by this and would even watch it again down the line, presuming that Quibi is still here in six months and my free subscription doesn’t completely go to waste.

I’m not telling you to get Quibi to watch this shit, I’m just saying if you happen to have it, you might want to give these webisodes a shot. Most Dangerous Game is basically a modern version of The Most Dangerous Game with several twists. Per IMDB, it describes these webisodes as: “Desperate to take care of his pregnant wife before a terminal illness can take his life, Dodge Maynard accepts an offer to participate in a deadly game where he soon discovers that he’s not the hunter – but the prey.” He has to survive a full 24 hours, stay in Detroit, and follow a whole list of rules that could get him disqualified. Money is deposited into his bank account every hour, and if he survives the whole night, he gets 24.5 million. If this were a movie that actually debuted in theaters, it would’ve been a wonderful little treat. And not that expensive as well. For as low budget as these Quibi webisodes are…they are wonderfully cinematic in scope sometimes (not so much The Fugitive). They all play out like a very enjoyable 90 minute to 2 hr film when put all together. Maybe if Quibi is sold whoever buys it up will release them as films? That remains to be seen. But this one was a true winner. It was tense as fuck, the action was half way decent, the acting was serious yet fun, and it was also fun trying to identify the 5 hunters after Hemsworth, even though they were easily identifiable.

Christoph Waltz is in this much more than you would think and while we’ve seen him excellently play a villain and excellently play a sympathetic character (he won Oscars for both), here we get to see him play a morally grey one, which he of course pulls off in spades. Everybody here seemed like they wanted to be in this, and not just for a paycheck. The 5 hunters, who I won’t spoil who they are but one or two of them might have a recognizable face to you, are quirky yet dangerous. I really enjoyed the big warehouse climax yet also enjoyed the smaller and more intimate moments. Sarah Gadon, who plays Hemsworth’s wife in this, isn’t just a ignorant character, but actually goes about to try and find her husband in the correct ways once he disappears. It’s just a well made tight thriller, the only thing hampering it from its true potential are ad breaks and the cuts to black after each ‘webisode.’ This one was also created by Nick Santora, who did The Fugitive (review was posted yesterday), but you could tell his heart was more into this one, as it shows in the meticulous quality of the production. I would like to see more of these “hunt” games with Christoph Waltz coming back to play the host, but let’s face it, Quibi’s in trouble and there probably won’t be any follow ups to this. But maybe that is a good thing as more of the same could screw up the charm that this one has. It’s sad that the most dangerous game for Quibi is getting more subscribers…but you can’t win them all. At least it has a winner or two on the inside.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: JURASSIC WORLD – CAMP CRETACEOUS

How…in the Jurassic Park…can a young adult animated television show be better than the 3rd movie in the original trilogy and the abysmal Fallen Kingdom of the new trilogy? How? I mean, the first several episodes of JURASSIC WORLD: CAMP CRETACEOUS have kind of a “we’ve seen it all before” meh set up…yet still surprisingly serviceable…yet once it hits that halfway point, the story really takes off. And once you realize that this show is actually canon and takes place a little before, mostly during, and a little after the first Jurassic World, somehow…this show found a way…to become masterful. Especially episodes 4 – 8 and especially especially the last 3. THIS should’ve been the live action 2 to 2 and a half hour SIDEQUEL we should’ve gotten in 2018, and not the awful, just awful Fallen Kingdom sequel that became so dumb and stupid during the 2nd half, with that dinosaurs run amok in a mansion subplot, that I wanted a Velociraptor to gouge my eyes out with that foot toe claw of theirs. And this show isn’t really for kids, kids, people die and get eaten (mostly off screen though, they aren’t that bold with a YA show), and I even thought some parts had quite the ramp-ed up tension and were a little scary for some. We watched all 8 episodes in a day. I loved it, my wife loved it, and my little boy loved it, so I thought I’d do a little review for you all since it is something great that is streaming that can pass a little bit of time by. Especially when you aren’t watching your favorite sports team lose in what I wouldn’t count as a real championship even if they did win because of all the factors that are being attributed to this blurry and confusing year.

**WARNING: GIANT RANT OF ME SHITTING ON SPORTS** Yeah, that’s right. I hate sports right now and I’m going to stand on my shoe box for a moment or two to scream out my frustrations. You all need to get out of your fucking shells and go and see something in the theater. It doesn’t even need to be Tenet, just support your local theater so I…errr I mean we, can get our new blockbusters back and ready to roll with no more bullshit fear mongering delays. I, and many others, are burnt out of this fucking virus, and in my opinion, it isn’t fair that you little sports freaks are still getting new games to watch every week. The numbers of positive cases have to be skewed at this point. Whether it is democrats trying to fear monger until the election for votes against Trump or republicans for some other agenda, this virus went completely political since week 1 and I’m tired of fucking hearing about it. I’m tired of the pointing fingers. The ones that are still gung-ho about not leaving their bubble, I’m tired of hearing that you get to watch your fucking sports in the comfort of your own home. I don’t give a shit if you can’t physically go to the games, you are still getting new shit to watch and, when you win, good new shit to watch. So in the meantime I refuse to watch or be in the same room where sports are being viewed by your morons that feel “safe” and secure at home. Go out, wear a mask, physically distance, and see a movie. These theaters aren’t God damn petri dishes where you are guaranteed to get the virus. They have good ventilation with fantastic air filters and wonderful cleaning protocols. Fuck you sports and leave your home assholes. **END OF GIANT SPORTS SUCK MY ASSHOLE RANT**

**slaps my own face** Where were we? Ah yes, this wonderful little 8 episode Jurassic World tv show. Yeah, it’s pretty damn good. Per IMDB, the show is described as follows: “Six teens attending an adventure camp on the opposite side of Isla Nublar must band together to survive when dinosaurs wreak havoc on the island.” The animation is solid, the voice casting is superb, and it even has emotional and investing side plots that are more than just running away from dinosaurs and trying to survive. The main protagonist, Darius, has flashbacks to when he was wanting to visit the park when it eventually opened with his Dad, who was on his deathbed with cancer and one of the other teens may or not be working for a rival company to InGen. The first one made me shed a couple of tears and I found the second to be an interesting twist I didn’t see coming. I even tried to predict a conventional ending, seeing as this took place during and would end just a little bit after the first Jurassic World movie, but the show again surprises by being unconventional and warranting what I’m sure will be a green lit season 2, seeing as this has been in the top ten Netflix list ever since all episodes were available starting September 18th. I mentioned earlier how this should’ve been the live action SIDE-quel (meaning it takes place during the events of the first film but still was released after it) and not Fallen Kingdom. I stand by that statement.Look, I know that the filmmakers don’t want to get rid of the star power of Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, but sometimes, creatively, you need to look elsewhere or otherwise you are just going end up with the same old shit, and if it isn’t the same old shit, it might be some weird new shit that people will find too…awkward (aka the whole second half of that movie).

But this should be something to tide us all over nicely until we get to the third movie that is expected to come out next summer (crossing fingers, fuck you COVID). The ending action scene is quite simple and compact, it takes place inside a closed dock tunnel. And it actually made me say “whoa” a couple of times to the places it went. Two episodes before that, the movie takes a breather for character development and has the teens talk on a monorail for a bit (followed by a harrowing, emotional, and riveting action sequence of course). I was quite surprised by this development…as I figure a lot young adults have ADD and sometimes for them, it just has to be “action now now now, and lots of it or I’ll get bored.” Clearly these show runners were wanting something more. Or it could just be the fact that I heard that Steven Spielberg himself was creatively in the development for this show more than he normally would’ve been and said it shouldn’t be dumb-ed down and too “kiddie.” Boy I wish he was more hands on with Fallen Kingdom and hope that he is for next year’s Dominion. Any little bit helps and makes a difference it seems. I think everybody involved with this show needs to get some sort big credit. It’s not every day that you make an animated television show that is canon to the live action movies and is better than some of them. This series had me roaring for more, and with several juicy cliffhangers, I think it’s safe to say that the series to be renewed should be a walk in the park for Netflix.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SECRET SOCIETY OF SECOND BORN ROYALS (Disney+)

Congratulations Disney, you have managed to make a film that even the Disney Channel would’ve probably rejected back in the day, which in turn, makes this the worst Disney+ original movie yet. SECRET SOCIETY OF SECOND BORN ROYALS is offensively abysmal. It is literally a movie for no one. It treats kids as if they were idiots, it basically gives the bird to film critics everywhere, and adults that still enjoy some of the Disney Channel Original magic from the 90s/early 2000s will be scoffing at the screen, asking why this was even green lit to begin with. The CGI is laughably straight to video 1990s bad, you can guess the entire plot minute 5, and the movie doesn’t even have the audacity to give you an obligatory after credits sequence. It is just another poor man’s Avengers superhero rip off tale after all. Per IMDB, it describes this film with the following log line: “It follows Sam’s adventures at a top-secret training program for a new class of second-born royals tasked with saving the world.” What that little description doesn’t tell you is that these second-born royals, for some reason or another, gain superpowers when they become of age just because plot convenience. And some of these powers, while being original, are either laughably useless or laughably too powerful. One of the kids can make insects do what he wants yet can’t go small and have super strength like Ant Man in that size? One of them has just her senses heightened but can’t do much else, an adult can just hold their breath underwater for a bit, and one can just duplicate himself yet doesn’t create enough copies when in a pinch. Then the others go straight to laziness screenplay writing 101 by having unoriginal and boring invisibility powers, The Force, the power of persuasion, and then of course one of them can just touch all the others and steal their powers for a brief period. Is it possible I’m a second born royal and have the power to fall asleep whenever I detect bullshit?

Do I need to list every cliche this film has in store for you? Probably not, but you’ll need two sheets of paper when watching this if you were wanting to list it on your own. The movie even tries to make you forget the main villain has an accomplice half way through the movie once he gets captured, and then tries to surprise you by their identity, even though I guessed right off the bat in the ballpark of who it was. This film has excuses galore for how to write around kids with too powerful of superpowers, it’s insulting. The only really recognizable face in this is Pitch Perfect’s Skylar Astin, as the kids mentor and instructor, and honestly, it just seems like it was a paycheck for him, just enough effort to be invited back for possible sequel for an even bigger pay day. There’s a dumb McGuffin device at the end that makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever and was written just to preserve anything deathly shocking from happening that would make small kids ponder life’s ultimate questions. The identity of the writers of this giant polished turd is shocking when you look up their past filmography. Well, one shocking and one not so shocking. One of them wrote for Hanna Montana…which this film is almost an exact cheesy blueprint from that show and the other wrote the screenplays for…Robert Rodriguez’s Predators and Paul W.S. Anderson’s shitty Three Musketeers remake? How the fuck did he get roped into this? Add terrible performances from all the kids involved, a butterfly catching a human sequence that made me produce tears from laughter, and terrible direction and you easily have only the second worst thing that the Disney+ platform offers. The first is paying $30 for Mulan.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BABYTEETH

BABYTEETH, a drama with a few comedic bits that you can stream on Hulu for free today (otherwise you can rent it streaming), was a nice refresher of mild quirky-ness after the overload of garbage that was my previous movie I just reviewed, Kajillionaire. Babyteeth is still not a perfect or great movie by any means, I think out of 1 hr and 57 minutes about 15 to 20 could’ve been shaved off, the movie has a very strong beginning, very strong ending, and very strong performances. It does lag a bit toward the end of the beginning of the film and the middle of the film, but it makes up for it in the other qualities I just shared. It stars Eliza Scanlen, who has been in a ton of things recently such as HBO’s Sharp Objects, Little Women, and Netflix’s The Devil All The Time and IMDB describes the movie as: “Milla, a seriously ill teenager falls in love with a drug dealer, Moses, her parents worst nightmare.” She is pitch perfect here as a girl that just wants to live her life to the fullest in case she dies. Her parents are played perfectly by Essie Davis and Ben Mendelsohn, the latter of which is becoming one of my favorite actors of all time. He plays it quirky and weird when his character calls for it, but serious yet calm when those scenes come along. It’s because the honest script and dialogue helps the performances, written by first timer Rita Kalnejais, and she doesn’t force the characters to be too abstract and weird. While the characters and situations have their quirks, it is grounded in a sense of dramatic realism where you feel like all of them make true to life decisions and actions.

The movie is directed by Shannon Murphy, who I’m not familiar with, although she directed two episodes of the hit tv series Killing Eve, and she is definitely an actor’s director and has a spark of visual flare, something I hope she can translate to future projects. Unlike Kajillionaire, there isn’t one unlikable character in this, as even though Moses has his fare share of problems, his good heart ultimately prevails. He is played by Toby Wallace who apparently is really good in Netflix’s most recently cancelled beloved series The Society. I’ve seen a few clips of him in that, and needless to say, he’s a damn fine actor when you compare that with this role. My only complaints for this film come before the living situations of all involved are permanently set in stone (that’s all I can say without giving anything away). Milla trying to get Moses interested in her as more than just friends (when they are the only two onscreen) are the scenes that didn’t really have any emotional weight or context for me, compared to the scenes where Milla’s parents are also involved. I think that maybe point A, point B, & point C were the structure of the screenplay, the solid ideas of the story that were cemented in stone before the screenplay was even written, before the connections were made by filling out the tiny details. While getting from point B to point C was fleshed out and solidly told, more time was needed on how to get from point A to point B, as those scenes dragged on too long and didn’t really work for me. But, Babyteeth is still a decent one time watch, if not for the strong ending and beginning, and for all the performances. You won’t be grinding your teeth, wishing for this movie to end, but I suggest to bring some tissues so that tears won’t be hitting them constantly throughout.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: KAJILLIONAIRE

KAJILLIONAIRE gave me (an my wife) a kajillion headaches. Not because it was confusing but it was a slog and a half (considering the 1 hr and 47 minute run time) to get through. A quirky film just for the sake of being quirky, which made it overwhelmingly quirky and unbearable. And a really annoying and bizarre performance with an annoyingly bizarre low tone of voice by Even Rachel Wood. There are only really two scenes of actual levity and earnestness in the film, one that doesn’t happen until the last 10 minutes of the movie, and one in the middle that lasts only about 10 seconds before it goes back to being monotonous. This comes out in theaters today (only really Alamo Drafthouse and other independent theaters), and then streaming VOD in about a month, and I am here to tell you to save your fucking money and your fucking time no matter how it’s available to watch to you (even if free). I won a free digital 72 hour screening from Focus Features and decided just to get it out of the way last night. This is supposed to be a comedy (really a dramedy) yet neither my wife nor I laughed once. And when I put on a 2005 comedy that definitely couldn’t be made today (Waiting) and laughed more in the first minute than the atrocity to cinema I just watched…then something is truly wrong. You may go on Rotten Tomatoes and see the critic score to this is in the low 90s, which is a really good score, but I no longer ever trust Rotten Tomatoes, because I think most critics are high off of being able to stay home and avoid COVID-19, so they are giving anything a good review based on that bias.

And you may be saying, “Zach, maybe you just don’t like quirky movies?” Not true, I’m going to review another film later today that just came to Hulu but was released earlier in the year called Babyteeth, where its quirky-ness was in contribution to the story and wasn’t just there to be there. It’s all about context people. Me, movies, and context. If you haven’t gotten that by now with all of my reviews that I write then I don’t know what to tell you. I even warn you whenever I throw context and my brain out the window and just enjoyed what I was watching, so I can’t be any more blunt with you than I usually am. To put this all in another way you’ll understand, Kajillionaire sucked to me. Per IMDB, it describes the movie as: “A woman’s life is turned upside down when her criminal parents invite an outsider to join them on a major heist they’re planning.” This whole family is filled with terrible, terrible con people. Terrible not jut morally, but that they also execute all of these “cons” terribly. What was really offensive about this film to me isn’t just its fake, unearned quirky-ness, it’s also it feels like a cheap knock off of a very good international film that came out a couple of years ago called Shoplifters. That movie even got nominated for an Academy Award. I’ll scoff if this does and protest. Richard Jenkins and Debra Winger are completely wasted as Evan Rachel Wood’s (who is the main protagonist by the way) parents, and they are completely unlikable characters from the get go. Evan Rachel Wood is supposed to be likable but her bizarre bat shit performance made her extremely unlikable to me.

The actress that sort of saves this from being a complete clusterfuck (even though this film right now is in my top 20 worst of the year list) is Gina Rodriguez. She plays the stranger in IMDB’s description of the film above. Her quirky-ness in this film almost works, and she saves a little bit of the movie by being the focus of the two only earnest moments in the movie (These moments are technically spoilers, but you’ll know them when you see them). She is the only one unscathed in this production. I have never seen writer/director Miranda July’s other “quirky” movies or short films, and this movie definitely will not have me search any of them out, any time soon. I mean, this film is just weird to be weird without any context. They live in a cheap little place that overflows with bubbles (they clean this place constantly that’s why the rent is so cheap) from the ceiling because it’s an attachment to a bubble factory called Bubble, Inc. No explanation to what they do other than make bubbles apparently. I understand the films message about family and human attachment, it just went about it in a very awkward, non pleasing, and off putting way. It is very slow pace, with a major heist that in all honesty didn’t make a lick of sense to me. If you watch this movie and end up enjoying it like the critics did, I won’t hark on you. Clearly this movie just wasn’t meant for me. I didn’t connect with it on any emotional level, and the only emotion I shed during it were the kajillion tears of joy that I wept once the movie finally got to the end credits.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ENOLA HOLMES (Netflix)

There are a lot of critics and other film people out there that hate it when movies break the fourth wall, i.e. the characters talk to the audience if they were right there along on the adventure. Not me. I love that shit, makes films like Deadpool, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Wayne’s World that much more enjoyable. And unique. Which is why I very much enjoyed Netflix’s new original film, ENOLA HOLMES, which flips the old Sherlock Holmes detective adventures that we’ve seen a billion times before on its head with Enola being the main protagonist and her constantly breaking the fourth wall to talk to us. It also works so well because Millie Bobby Brown pulls it off with a fantastic performance. Even though the movie also has a good old fashioned mystery that I was into as well, I think if the movie had played it completely straight, it wouldn’t have been as much fun, interesting, and engaging as it was. It would’ve been just another Sherlock adventure, but this time gender flipped. And I know a lot of men out there eye roll when it comes to gender flipped movies (especially after the travesty that was Ghostbusters 2016), because for some reason it enrages them because they think its trying to push some feminist agenda. Yet they aren’t so opposed when studios come up with original material and characters for women to inhabit and possibly make memorable and classic? Jesus, some of us are rude and weird aren’t we? I love gender flipped movies and stories, as long as they work on their own.

Ghostbusters 2016 didn’t work NOT because of the women involved but because of director Paul Feig, his terrible non-screenplay with 99% ad-libbing and no story, and him not knowing when to yell “cut” and move on. Everyone one in the cast there did the best they could with the garbage material they were given. Not their fault. Enola Holmes, and other gender flipped movies that came out this year such as Birds of Prey, work because EVERY part of the film making process of those projects are fleshed out, not rushed, and pay attention to detail . The performances are great, the story, dialogue, and screenplay are solid, the cinematography is gorgeous, and the direction is tight. Per IMDB, it describes Enola Holmes as: “When Enola Holmes-Sherlock’s teen sister-discovers her mother missing, she sets off to find her, becoming a super-sleuth in her own right as she outwits her famous brother and unravels a dangerous conspiracy around a mysterious young Lord.” This movie is mostly getting positive reviews out there, but the ones that are negative either complain that it’s just a gender flipped Sherlock Holmes movie and/or that it caters to younger audiences too much. Who fucking cares? Seriously? As long as it is a good, solid movie, with a good, solid story, why the fuck would you care about things like that? And I don’t think the movie caters to younger audiences too hard, as there is plenty of action sequences and some jarringly frightening almost death scenes and blunt force trauma within the 2 hour runtime, but my point is, it shouldn’t matter. It only matters if you are entertained. Which this movie did, for not just me, but my wife as well. She said that this and The Broken Hearts Gallery are two of the better movies she’s seen in quite awhile. While I wouldn’t say they are masterful by any means, I tend to agree with her a bit.

While the movie is about 10 to 15 minutes too long and drags a bit in the middle, the story felt fun and fresh, the movie looked nice as it felt like there was high production value to make everything within it look like it really took place way back when, and the performances were strong and charming. Millie Bobby Brown steals the show out from everyone, and now she can say that she has another iconic character in her career portfolio other than just being Eleven on Stranger Things. Helena Bonham Carter and Sam Claflin as Enola’s mother and brother are solid even though they aren’t in the film terribly much, but the other scene stealer in this is obviously Henry Cavill, playing Enola’s other brother, Sherlock. He’s in the movie much more than I thought he’d be, for being the ‘with’ in the movies credits, and I liked that his rendition of Sherlock wasn’t so over the top and much more subtle, showing us a side of that character we hadn’t seen before. I would love for him to come back in possible sequels to this, yet he doesn’t need more screen time, just as much as this please to not make it seem like the filmmakers are desperate to cash in on Cavill’s hunky/handsome face and physique for the ladies. I’m just happy that this seemed like an original movie that could’ve played in theaters and not just a cheap mediocre “grand” Netflix production. *coughTheOldGuardcough*. With this and The Devil All The Time, maybe Netflix is actually going to start trying? *looks at calendar* Well, fuck…nevermind, Adam Sandler’s terrible looking Netflix original film Hubie Halloween comes out in two weeks…so no, the game is not afoot.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPIRAL (Shudder)

First of all, no, this is not Saw 9. This new movie exclusively streaming on Shudder just happens to have the same title of Saw 9, that was supposed to come out in May but due to COVID-19 got delayed till NEXT May 2021. If I were to describe this SPIRAL, it would be Get Out, but with homosexual couples (the title should’ve been Get Out Of The Closet). And a much different story and third act. You’ll see. I promised myself I wouldn’t do another free trial of Shudder on one of my many different e-mails, but this film has gained so much traction in my neck of the woods the past several weeks that I just had to do another 7 day-er and check this out. And I’m glad I did, as out of the three whole Shudder exclusive movies I’ve watched, this is by far the best one, even though the more I think about Host, the more I respect it (both definitely better than the mind-numbing Beach House movie on the app). Per IMDB, it describes Spiral as: “A same-sex couple move to a small town so they can enjoy a better quality of life and raise their 16 year-old daughter with the best social values. But nothing is as it seems in their picturesque neighborhood. And when Malik sees the folks next door throwing a very strange party, something shocking has got to give.” The movie takes place in the year 1995, so it’s kind of at the height of the 90s gay panic if you think about it. The movie works with only a few well earned jump scares because it’s mostly a psychological horror film, filled more with dread and unease than it is meant to be just cheap jump scare plus a lot of gore schlock (although there is one pretty gruesome and emotional earned shot/scene here).

There isn’t really a recognizable face here except for Loclyn Munro, you’ll basically just point him out in the movie and say, “that’s the dude from Scary Movie/Freddy Vs. Jason/etc. The main protagonist here, played by Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman (Unreal) is fantastic here. He plays one part of the male gay couple and the film focuses primarily on him. He gets the paranoia, fear, and anger down pat and needed in order to sell the story. I’m not familiar with the writers or director of this, but needless to say the movie works very well within the parameters of what it’s trying to say about fear. There is an exchange of dialogue inside a jail cell near the end of the film that was haunting to think about even after the last word was spoken. Also, this is a movie with an epilogue that actually made the whole movie even better than it already was. Wow, I am at a loss for words and don’t know much more to say about this film to make it a meaty second conclusive paragraph do I? Anything I really say about the story is a spoiler in itself so I can’t get into too much detail. If I had a complaint about the movie is that the male protagonist probably shouldn’t have hid the hatred they receive from the get go, should’ve revealed all and maybe there would’ve been a different conclusion. But if the protagonist didn’t hold things back, there might not have been a movie, so my complaint is moot. So if you have the Shudder app, definitely check this out. Or if you want to do a 7 day free trail thing, check out this and Host, but make sure to cancel before it charges you for a whole month. To me the app isn’t worth it, just like Quibi.