Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE HIGHWAYMEN (Netflix)

You might have noticed I’ve been reviewing Netflix movies a lot lately. Damn straight, I pay for the service don’t I? And I can just watch Friends, The Office, and Parks and Recreation over and over and over again. And I have a lot of To Be Determined on my top movies of the year, and need to fill it out without spending my money at the theater on shitty films like Miss Bala or Dumbo. Anyway, this just came out like last week, and I’ve seen the original Bonnie and Clyde with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway, and was interested to watch what the other side did to *spoiler alert if you aren’t a history person* gun them down in the end. It’s directed by John Lee Hancock, who is hated by my many Austin movie friends on Facebook (they think he is a giant hack). Well, I mean, at least he made it into the business guys. But I agree, he’s a just point and shoot director with no vision. He’s directed only 6 films, and I’ve only really liked two of them. The Founder…and this is #2.

While The Highwaymen is just another point and shoot affair by him, the material is elevated by the screenplay, the acting from both Kevin Costner and Woody Harrelson, and the cinematography. I didn’t live in Texas back then, but I heard the whole thing was shot in Texas, and it feels like it. It captures that essence perfectly. And the ventual take down of Bonnie and Clyde I read was filmed right where they were taken down, which was pretty damn cool. The problem with Bonnie and Clyde, and why they got captured was that they had too much of a pattern, and these two retired Texas Rangers, played by Costner and Harrelson, picked up on it super fast when a lot of other people of authority couldn’t.

This film isn’t the be all end all of Netflix films, mind you, but it is quite good. Harrelson and Costner usually always bring their A game and here is no different. I also loved the way Bonnie and Clyde are represented. They barely show their faces, they are mostly dark silhouettes, monsters without a face, killing innocent people. How the movie with Beatty and Dunaway made them not seem too bad, even though they killed a lot of people, this movie makes them the monsters that they deserved to look like back then. They are a mean, powerful force, making them mythical ghosts that people at that time thought were impossible to kill. That part of the film is quite interesting.

The film has several slow parts (it could’ve been shorter and not 2 hrs and 12 mins long), especially when the movie tries to bring an arc and humanity to Costner and Harrelson’s characters…you know, those obligatory scenes where they talk about their past and how they might’ve been monsters themselves at one point even though they were upholding the law. But that’s okay, because if that was missing from the movie, I, and other critics, would just complain that it was missing that aspect. It could’ve been spruced up a bit. And I would’ve loved to see more of Kathy Bates than her literal two scenes playing first Woman Governor of Texas Ma Ferguson. Best part she’s had in years and she’s in it for less than 10 minutes.

Anyway, it’s a pretty solid Netflix view. Unless you really hate the director, who hails from Texas, then this film will not change your mind about him (you know who you are). But everything other than some slow parts are good, and I love that you could kind of watch this film with the original Beatty Bonnie and Clyde as a double feature to give you some perspective on the whole manhunt from both sides. I’m sure a better screenwriter and better director could’ve made a masterful film, but other than superheroes and sequels, what studio other than Netflix is going to take on a film like this these days?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PADDLETON (Netflix, and not the bear movie, f*** you Kim)

PADDLETON is not Paddington, no matter what Kimberly Finke tells you. Paddleton came out late in February on Netflix, and the only reason I knew to watch it in the first place is because my favorite movie reviewers, Jay and Mike on Red Letter Media/Half In The Bag did a review on it because they found it and really enjoyed it. And I liked it too. Not as much as they did, but I did think it is a well made, and extremely well acted and realistic little movie. It stars Ray Romano and Mark Duplass, and it is about both of them finding out that Duplass’ character has terminal cancer and only six months to live, so they take a little road trip to get this assisted suicide medication that is only legal to get there.

They aren’t lovers but actually real good friends and neighbors, as Romano’s character lives right above Duplass’ in a apartment complex. They play a made up game together, called paddleton, that deals with bouncing a ball off the wall and getting it into a black barrel on the ground. Anyway, Roman’s character is kind of strange, probably has undiagnosed Asberger’s, Duplass’ being a bit more normal. They have weird ‘what if’ conversations, and some of it is funny, and some of it is serious, and it all feels very realistic. The film is co-written by Duplass, who admitted that 87% of the movie was improvised, all the scenes mainly had outlines and the actors just played off each other. While other films, like 2016 Ghostbusters remake, you can completely tell the improve, this feels just like two friends conversing, having a good time.

There isn’t much to say about the film, it’s a tight 90 minutes, and the movie doesn’t have any twists are turns, its very simple. The end is very emotional and a little hard to watch emotionally, but I appreciated how real it all felt. The acting is extremely good, with Ray Romano again being a standout like he was in The Big Sick. I’ve never had a problem with Ray Romano, I never really watched Everybody Loves Raymond, and kind of found him to have lousy sitcom acting, but he definitely knows how to make a character. I hope to see him in even more dramedy’s in the future. Mark Duplass is good as well. But yeah, if you want a little emotional, yet a little funny movie, and have 90 minutes to kill. I would recommend this, definitely above the just reviewed by me and just released by Netflix Unicorn Store.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: UNICORN STORE (Netflix)

Let’s set the record straight here. For those of you that think Brie Larson got this Netflix deal to direct and star in this movie, UNICORN STORE, because of Captain Marvel, you are sorely mistaken. She was offered this after she won her Oscar several years ago for Room, and it actually had its premiere at TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) back in 2017. So it’s been in the can for awhile…and you know how Netflix will pick up stuff even if its the last player on a team to be picked. Unicorn Store relies on its colorful whimsical premise and off beat humor. It relies a lot of suspension of belief and performances to get you through the short 90 minute run time. And I guess the end result is…okay?

I honestly don’t know what to think of this film. I haven’t even really let it sink in due to the fact that I just finished it 20 minutes ago on my phone on my lunch at work. It was a watchable film. It had a plot, it had characters, and it had an overlaying arc. But did it have purpose? I guess you could say its sole purpose was to be another one of those films with the “hit you over the head” message: It’s never too late to discover yourself and you can discover yourself by failing at things as much as you can achieving them. How many movies have had this message? I’d be dead by the time I finished if I started doing research and starting to count. If you need to know the premise, it’s about a woman that has an early life crisis after being kicked out of art school…I guess for being too experimental and zany? Anyway, she finds a temp job really quickly at this PR firm where it doubles as an ad agency…I guess? Why am I asking these questions? When watching this film I guarantee you are going to be constantly asking yourself…”wait, what?” She then gets a card on the stoop of her house (but she misses seeing it) and then she gets a card at her work telling her to come to some store, the store that has everything she needs. It is run by a whimsical and weird Samuel L. Jackson (hence why I think this was film around the exact same time as Marvel). He has a minor afro and colorful strings and glitter in his hair and he offers her what she has wanted her whole life. A unicorn. There are stipulations to get this unicorn, aka build it a stable, be financial stable, etc. And she wants this unicorn, and goes to make her life right to be able to own one…maybe?

Basically its like a weird Garden State vibe kind of whimsical weirdly-toned dramedy. Brie Larson’s character, Kit, hires a guy to build this unicorn stable and they eventually bond, and that’s the best part of the movie, were their scenes together. The man is played by Mamoudou Athie, who was a stand out in the movie Patti Cakes. The only part of Unicorn Store I believed in was their budding friendship and romance. Unfortunately the movie was too short to show more of that, as all of its focus was Kit discovering herself and whether or not she would get a unicorn and whether or not her ad for a vacuum would be picked up by a really creepy #Metoo type weirdo boss. I’ll give it one other thing: Brie Larson is a better actor in this than she was in Captain Marvel. And honestly, that is probably because the character of Captain Marvel was written a little wooden and directed by two people way in over their head that hadn’t directed a big feature before.

Brie Larson directed this. And for the most part it is good. She knows how to direct people. She knows how to direct herself. She knows how to frame a scene (the standout being her pitch to the vacuum ad), the only thing I didn’t like is that some parts of the film had an unnecessary shaky cam like presence that had no point. Thankfully it didn’t do that the whole time. She moves back in with her parents at the beginning of the film, played in small roles by Bradley Whitford and Joan Cusack, but their characters are ones we’ve seen too many times before. Weirdos, with weirdo jobs (they go on hikes with damaged teens/young adults with truth circles), and they invade her space but eventually show that they are actually sane and know a thing or two about life.

I just…like I said, I don’t know what to think of this film. Would I ever watch it again? Probably not. Would I recommend it? Only maybe to people that have a high tolerance for weird ass tales in kin with movies like Garden State (a much better film). Did I feel like I wasted my time? No, I mean, I like Brie Larson as an actress a lot (although she has been foot in mouth recently with her interviews and press tour for Captain Marvel), and I really think if she was given a chance to direct more and better projects she could be a pretty decent director overall. The ultimate problem is: who is this movie really for? Who is it marketed toward? What is this movies audience? The answer is: I have no fucking idea. Maybe that is the reason why Netflix picked it up?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PET SEMATARY (2019)

Sometimes no adaptation at all is better. Sometimes no remakes are better. Sometimes books are better. Well, actually, on that last one, it is most of the time isn’t it? I’m going to warn you now. I have read Pet Sematary, the novel, twice. I have seen the original 1989 movie and the 90s sequel with young John Connor. I’m going to make reference to the giant change that the marketing people decided to spoil in the trailers (they really shouldn’t have) and spoil some things the book has that the movie doesn’t. I WILL NOT SPOIL the absolutely brand new ending that isn’t in any of the previous adaptations. So if you want to go into this blind, don’t watch any of the trailers (the first teaser one should’ve been the only one released). Also, if you want to go into this really blind and maybe enjoy yourself, don’t watch the other two movies or read the book either. And certainly, don’t read this review. However, if any of you ever actually listen and agree with most of my reviews and are going to read my critique anyway, let me give you some advice. Just read the book. The book is a masterpiece on sorrow, grief, tragedy, with elements of the supernatural sprinkled about in it. It’s essentially a drama. It just happens to have horror and supernatural shit in it (kind of like Indiana Jones is mainly adventure film with some relgious and sci-fi undertones). It is one of Stephen King’s best books. This new movie, is a cookie cutter fast food cheap jump scare bullshit hollow entity that doesn’t have any of the substance or subtext the book or hell, even the original movie had, and is the first big disappointment of 2019 and one of the year’s worst films.

I guess if you are a dumb younger millennial and enjoy the stupid ookie-spooky “what’s that sound?” kind of shit, where they just put in a giant, loud, obnoxious music cue to incite you to jump in your chair a quarter of an inch…well, then this movie is right up your alley! I hope not, I hope you are smarter than that. I hope that when a movie adapts something beloved to you that, when you watch said movie, you make sure to look for and find all the instances that made the book great. And I’m not talking about every single little freaking piece of dialogue, or even all the scenes, just what is necessary to take the message, subtext, substance, themes, etc. etc. and translate it to the screen well. And I’ll admit it first, yes, I was about to boycott this movie because the 2nd and final trailer reveal that a certain characters demise in this is actually switched with another character, and I personally felt that would take out all the grief and sorrow themes the book handled so damn well. Well…that twist…is the least of the movie’s fucking problems.

And the switcheroo have ultimately been a problem if it had been done well. The movie is only 100 minutes (including credits) and there just wasn’t enough time to establish or set up characters and relationships, and when the tragedy strikes, there are no payoffs filled with grief, sorrow, or tragedy. I have said it time and again: set ups must have payoffs. If the set ups aren’t done correctly, your payoffs aren’t going to work either. The movie rush, rush, rushes everything just to get to that next cheap jump scare to make dumb people that fall for that crap feel like they spent their box office dollars well. It doesn’t work on someone like me that has grown up from that cheap horror crap and wants a frightening film with fucking God damn themes and subtext, like Hereditary or Us. I didn’t care about the characters here. I didn’t feel the love between the father and his son and daughter, the mothers relationship with her children is barely there if even at all, the Jud and Louis relationship that is done so well in the novel, isn’t even there. So when characters get hurt or die, I just didn’t care. I didn’t get choked up. Movies that do tragedy and grief well make you think about your own loved ones while you are watching the movie, and if the movie invests your time for you get to know the characters, you should care if they bite the dust.

I didn’t here at all. In fact, the main accident/tragedy in the book is done like a dumb Fast and Furious bait and switch action scene. It might’ve been more effective if I didn’t already know about the different fate of two of the characters. If the marketing team had just left it at that one teaser trailer…maybe the incident would’ve shocked me to my core, had my jaw drop, and intrigued me to want to watch further on why they had made that switch. But I already knew about it, and so the accident ended up looking like a CGI Vin Diesel crap fest. Even then, while I might’ve been shocked, the rest of the movie, before and after that incident, didn’t establish anything well enough for me to care about what happened. There are a BUNCH of things from the book that are missing from this movie that would’ve helped the movie become something more than just a cheap jump scare shit fest. For my Pet Sematary fans out there that have read the novel , here is what is missing I consider pivotal: Jud’s wife, more of Jud and Louis’s budding friendship, the backstory of the Indian Burial Ground, the relationship between Louis Creed and his in-laws (hell, you can even consider the relationship between him and his wife barely even there here), and the very pivotal funeral confrontation scene.

Oh…and the cat, Church, is completely mishandled here. In the book, he comes back different and weird, and he kills birds and squirrels and shit and brings them in, but he doesn’t attack humans and doesn’t feel like a huge threat. That’s why Jud recommends burying the cat there in the first place, because he know it won’t do any harm. The cat just feels off but won’t kill you. In the movie, he’s scratching and biting and just vicious and mean from the get go. They even make it look like Church plans to kill Gage at one point. Didn’t make much sense that Jud would recommend bringing it back to life considering that later in the movie he fucking admits that when he brought his dog back it was as mean as ever and they put it down soon after (in the book he reveals his dog ultimately died again at a much older age). Also, putting random creepy kids wearing creepy masks with an awkward unusual procession of a dead dog, doesn’t automatically make your movie creepy. It makes it awkward and makes you look like you are throwing in creepy for creepy-sakes. Make you look like bad filmmakers. The only thing I can truly give praise to is the acting. Especially John Lithgow as Jud. All the casting was quite good, they just didn’t have a decent screenplay or direction to bring it all together.

And the movies ending. Let’s talk about it as much as a can without spoiling a God damn thing. The book’s ending is pretty much perfect, in my opinion. Doesn’t wrap up everything in a nice neat bow, but is chilling, sad, and haunting. Makes you wonder what happens next. In fact, shit doesn’t really go down until the last 30 – 40 pages of the novel. All of that is gone here. Not even a trace. They trade it in for a horror action type scene that is just insulting to Stephen King and the fans of his novel. The last little thing before it cuts to black is extremely stupid as well. I can’t believe Stephen King is endorsing this film. If I was him, I’d hate it even more than he does with Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation to The Shining. And I know that Stephen King thinks his books is depressing and that the only reason why it was published was to get out of a dumb contract that a book company had him in. But over the years, it has become one of his most timely novels, depressing, but with a haunting message, and the best words and prose I’ve ever seen dealing with grief. This screenplay was written by one asshole, and directed by two assholes just trying to trick people into giving them their money. And I fell for it.

But please, please, please don’t you fall for it. If you really want to watch a film adaptation of Pet Sematary, just watch the 1989 version. Even though it really isn’t the best, it doesn’t hold a candle to how awful this film is. If you really want to do right by the story, just read the book. I know, who reads anymore these days right? But it is a fantastic read that I can’t recommend enough. This movie is dull. This movie is cheap. This movie doesn’t try to make you think. It tries to steal your money and your time. If you like your horror movies like you like McDonald’s or Taco Bell; buried in some greasy, ugly, unhealthy shit that you might enjoy after that 2 am buzz but will regret it with your anus in the morning, then this movie is for you. If you love the book, or hell, if you love the 1989 film, a fan of Stephen King novels in general, or if you like horror movies like you would love eating at an expensive, fancy, and delicious steak house, feeling alive again with all the trimmings, look else where. This movie was DOA and needs to be buried and never brought back to life again. I wish it could be erased from existence. Sometimes Thanos’ Snap Is Better.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: US (no spoilers)

Wes Craven, John Carpenter, James Wan, Alfred Hitchcock, George Romero, David Cronenberg……Jordan Peele. After only two horror/thriller films, you can already add Peele’s name to the list of famous directors of the genre that will stand the test of time. US is a near-perfect horror masterpiece. Better than Get Out, in my opinion. It’s perfectly paced. It’s scary as fuck. It has humor at the perfect moments (no unintentional laughter like Hereditary). It has a thought provoking message. It’s a film that will resonate with you long after you leave the theater. It gives you just enough context clues to figure out and put together in your head what is really going on without it being explained to you for 20 minutes. It has scenes and moments set up at the beginning of the film and the rest of the movie is nothing but great pay off, after great pay off, after great pay off. And if you are arguing why Peele’s name should already be added to the list I mentioned above, do I need to remind you who has actually won an Oscar?

The less you know going into US, the more I think you will enjoy it. So if you are reading this non spoiler-y review before you see it….stop. I already complemented it in my beginning paragraph, that should be enough to kick you over if you are still on the fence. But if you have seen it, and didn’t too much care for it, I encourage you to keep reading to understand why I loved it, and perhaps why I looked into the film more deeply than Jordan Peele probably intended for me to. Because the film plays it almost straight forward until the last act. You know where Jordan Peele basically shined that social commentary through your eyes throughout the whole run time of Get Out? (some of you had a problem with that, I don’t know why) Well in this, he saves it for the last act of the film, making you want to re watch the thing through a whole different point of view. That’s how brilliant this movie is. And while yes, there is a twist, and one that I saw coming a billion miles away (yet still enjoyed it because its payoff was set up almost perfectly well), that twist doesn’t just rely on itself to make the movie. Everything else around it makes you question your loyalty as a viewer, and makes you take a deep breath and try to put the puzzle pieces together.

I’m not going to explain the plot. If you’ve seen the trailer, you know its a family on vacation that gets home invaded by people that look exactly like them (dopplegangers). Obviously, there’s a little more too it, but that is better experienced in the theater. But I encourage you to watch closely. Usually I say twists work best if you aren’t thinking too hard, but with this film, I encourage you to watch carefully from the beginning, so that you understand most of what is going on. You’ll see the twist coming but so what? You need to understand the messages more. What does it mean to have a soul? What does it mean to be human? These messages have been told time and again in countless movies, but this one does it so uniquely you’ll think the idea is wholly original again. It’s quite brilliant, and I have a feeling the more I re watch this film, the more I’m going to love it. It literally has everything a horror/thriller fan could want in a movie.

It’s too early in the year to really predict this, but I say give a nomination to Lupita Nyong’o at next years Academy Awards. She obviously plays dual roles due to the doppleganger plot, but she plays them so distinctively well that she might’ve pulled off one of the greatest horror performances of all time. She is THAT FUCKING GOOD in it. I know she has already won a supporting actress Oscar for 12 Years A Slave, but this performance is about a billion times better than that one that I wouldn’t mind her winning another award. Everybody else is good too. Her children have some of the best horror acting you could ask for. Her husband played by Black Panther’s Winston Duke is good and brings the perfect amount of comic relief you are needing with a film like this. And even Elizabeth Moss gets a small yet juicy part. The acting is there, the thrills are there, the scares are there, the camera work is there, the cinematography is there, the direction is there. It is near perfect. Oh forgot to mention the use of music. Brilliant, especially in the “final fight” scene. The new rendition of “I’ve Got Five On It” will be stuck in my brain for weeks.

My one complaint from the whole film being perfect? I thought that one of the doppleganger’s monologue at the end explained a little too much of what was going on. Half way through her short speech I was sinking in my chair praying, “Please stop talking…” The film had already given me a bunch of context clues to piece together what was happening. I didn’t need an explanation trying to make things a bit clearer. Thankfully, the monologue didn’t last long, and I breathed out a sigh of relief, knowing that I could still piece together what happened after I left the theater (which I have). If you are one of those people that needs everything handed to you on a silver platter explanation wise, this movie isn’t for you. If you like piecing together shit with ambigious context clues, this movie is an awesome mind trip. I can’t believe Jordan Peele has done it again. And to think he said that he is going to stick to the horror genre for the time being. That should excite us.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TRIPLE FRONTIER (Netflix)

TRIPLE FRONTIER is a movie that would’ve killed it in theaters in the mid 90s, it probably would’ve been a Jerry Bruckheimer production, and Nicolas Cage, Sylvester Stallong, Arnold Swarzenegger, Jean Clean Van Damme, and (insert any name I forgot here) probably would’ve been on the team. However, it is now a Netflix film, a pretty solid one at that, and it stars our generation of actors with the likes of Ben Affleck, Oscar Isaac, Charlie Hunnam, Garret Hedlund, and Pedro Pascal. This movie has been in the making since 2010, since a bunch of stars names have come and gone when production kept getting delayed and delayed. But now it’s here, and instead of risking itself to be lost in the crowd of countless unoriginal remakes, sequels, and superhero films, Netflix has decided to drop it on their platform, and I think that will be the best decision the filmmakers ever had.

When it comes to Netflix, their television productions I have always found 80/20 solid, but with their original films, I’ve always felt the exact opposite. Other than Roma, Mudbound, and maybe Pumpkin and When We First Met, name me another solid Netflix film. Go head. We’ve gotten clunkers like Mute and The Cloverfield Paradox, and countless others I haven’t even tried because the reviews on them have been mediocre to worse. Thankfully Triple Frontier is a step in the right direction. With more films like this, Netflix has a chance to really one up the ‘Spielbergs’ of the world and prove that their platform is not something to mess with. Countless people could stay at home and be able to enjoy a movie in the comfort of their own home without having to deal with the idiot nimrods that talk, text, and do other annoying shit in theaters. While Triple Frontier would be just as enjoyable in a theater, I loved that I got to watch it on release at home with a big TV and decent sound system. But that’s probably a debate that won’t be settled anytime soon so let’s get to the actual movie.

While Triple Frontier is referring to the tri-border area along the junction of Brazil, Argentina and Paraquay, where the Iguazu and Parana rivers meet, the movie is about 5 men retired from the military that go find a drug lord there, steal his money in a heist type scenario, kill just him with no other casualties, and make it out alive. Needless to say I don’t need to say much more in terms of plot, other than their plan obviously doesn’t go that smoothly. I found the movie to be quite unpredictable, namely who ends up dying or surviving and possible betrayals, but every step of the way the movie went in another direction, and I appreciated the journey into the unknown and unseen. I guess you could call this an action movie, but there is only action where it needs to be, spread out appropriately and not every two minutes like a Michael Bay film for the sake of extending screen time or providing the audience with eye popping cool CGI bukake.

The acting is all there, with everyone bringing everything to the table, with Affleck even looking like he was wanting to be there, his first sign of a heartbeat since he honestly tried his best in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice. And at this point I’m pretty sure Oscar Isaac can act in anything that he God damn wants to. He is very versatile. The movie has a solid two hour run time, very entertaining, and like I said earlier, unpredictable. You feel for these characters as they are trying to get out of a hot zone, and every step that they make you either wince or yell in triumph. The movie is also very nice to look at, since they shot on actual locations and I couldn’t detect one screen screen shot in the entire run time. The movie is nicely directed by J.C. Chandor, whose other three films, Margin Call, A Most Violent Year, and All Is Lost, are all pretty solid themselves.

Your enjoyment and viewing experience might depend on how you watch this film. Definitely don’t watch it on a phone or really small television. Those theatrical enthusiasts could probably argue that this movie is best seen in a theater, and while I would agree with them, I think if you have a decent sized television and a half way decent sound coming out of it, you will probably find it as enjoyable as I did. Triple Frontier is a good old fashioned action/thriller that is better than average due to its unpredictability and realistic storytelling choices. What more do you want? An even better question, why can’t we get more stuff like this?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: CAPTAIN MARVEL (no spoilers)

DISCLAIMER: (because I have to do this with the butthurters nowadays with a film like this) Any criticisms I give to the following film CAPTAIN MARVEL in my review, are in no way, shape, or form, have to do with the fact in that this is the MCU’s first female superhero led film. In fact, I think we should get more female driven superhero films, as long as they are made correctly. I am not a misogynist, I am married and have a loving and awesome wife, and ANY CRITICISMS WHATSOEVER I HAVE WITH THIS FILM HAVE TO DO WITH A STORYTELLING OR SCRIPT LEVEL AND DOES NOT HAVE TO DO WITH BRIE LARSON OR ANY FEMALE LED SUPERHERO FILM. Jesus Christ, it’s sad that I have to do that eh? Let’s get down to brass taxes and first go with my summary of Captain Marvel as a whole: I quite enjoyed it, however, in the whole spectrum of all 21 MCU films we have gotten to date, it is not one of the higher tier ones, like the first Iron Man, the first Avengers, the first Guardians, or Infinity War, yet it is not one of the lower tier ones like Thor: The Dark World, Iron Man 2, Iron Man 3, or The Incredible Hulk. It is somewhere in the middle, resting its good not great addition to the universe head along with its buddies such as Black Panther, Ant-Man, Guardians 2, or Doctor Strange.

I will star this off by saying that contrary to reports that Brie Larson is wooden in the Captain Marvel role (I think some people are just trolling and saying it even when they haven’t seen it yet), I assure you, she is not. She is very likable in this and in fact I think she knew that the script itself had some problems (there are 3 screenwriters, and 5 people get a story by credit) and she added her own cute little quirks and mannerisms to the role. I think with the right script and a more focused characterization Brie Larson could be a masterful superhero. But she is quite good with what she was given. In fact, everyone is good. Jude Law is good. Samuel L. Jackson is the man. Ben Mendelsohn nearly steals the movie. The very lackluster trailers and tv spots don’t showcase the good film that Disney/Marvel have on their hands here. In fact, if you look at all the other trailers, they don’t really sell their films anymore. They might need to hire better people that can cut a decent marketing campaign.

I was never once bored and looked at my cell phone clock with this movie, I was entertained throughout the whole thing. But the movie does have several issues and it all boils down to one notion, something that I knew was coming a long time ago, but is finally starting to seek through the cracks: Marvel’s Origin Story formula is starting to shake and if they aren’t careful, will soon crumble and fall like half of the DCEU’s slate. The entire movie is 200% predictable. It’s “twists” are 200% predictable (it does one “oh it was really this/him/her the whole time gimmick we’ve seen done in 100,000 movies before it). You can probably even fucking guess what the mid and end credits scenes are, that’s how predictable this thing is. Here’s a true, in my opinion, fact: Captain Marvel should’ve been introduced in Phase 1 or 2 of the MCU, should’ve already had one sequel by now with that story showing what happened with what she does at the end of this movie, and it wouldn’t have felt like this was shoe horned in right before Avengers: Endgame.

Because it is. Because you can feel it. Because everything feels rushed. Obviously you’ve seen from the trailers that Brie Larson has amnesia and is starting to remember things of where she may have had a life on Earth before becoming a Kree. The film feels too fast paced that, when she eventually remembers some stuff and comes face to face with some long lost family and friends, I didn’t feel anything. Like the confrontations that she is thrust into should’ve had more power, brevity, and levity. And it didn’t. It’s just like, “oh hi, don’t know you much, I know that I used to and we used to be two peas in a pod, well, I’m back, nice to meet ya.” Films need to have a giant emotional impact. If the film had focused on her amnesia stuff maybe just a few minutes longer, like 10 to 15, those scenes would’ve felt earned, not forced. The main issue is that there is just wayyy too much story stuffed into a medium box of 2 hrs, just in service to quickly get an origin story out of the way so she can be a bad ass motherfucker in Avengers: Endgame.

The movies got the Kree, old characters you saw in Guardians 1, a strange cat named Goose, amnesia problems, long gestating wars, witty banter, reunions, betrayals, double crosses, triple crosses, just too much that the script is a little shaky on its foundation and bounced off the wall too much at times. And near the end, kind of like the problem Black Panther had, its CGI is a little troublesome. And while the action is fun, but not that memorable. Oh, and one more AND to the million I have said already, the movie has still has got the Marvel villain problem (you’ll see). While the movie was wayyyy too late in the making, its just fortunate that it wasn’t a disaster, is watchable, and is enjoyable. The real star of the movie is the de-ageing effects on one Samuel L. Jackson. Fucking seemless, I couldn’t believe it, he actually looks like he just stepped out of his role in the 90s film The Negotiator (from which they based his de-ageing on) and hasn’t skipped a beat.

So anyway, in summation, Captain Marvel is a solid, good, yet not great addition to the MCU. I did enjoy myself sitting in the theater experiencing it. And none of it has to do with the fact that it is a female driven superhero film. All the problems are in the script, the story, and two directors who have directed a handful of episodes of Billions and The Affair, and two indie features films (Half Nelson and It’s Kind of A Funny Story) that I thought were way out of their element here. If we could get a solid script and better directors, and a focused pace, we could get a sequel that is truly special. A true sequel, not just Avengers: Endgame. Oh, btw, if the opening Marvel logo/credits don’t make you tear up and want to applaud, you aren’t human.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON – THE HIDDEN WORLD

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON: THE HIDDEN WORLD, to be blatant, is very simple and harmless. After watching the second film, I imagined what the trilogy capper could end up being 5 years ago (yes, the second one was 2014 believe it or not), and I was in the ballpark with my guess: one last ditch effort of trying to harmonize humans and dragons, a evil douchebag standing in their way, and a female Fury (no, I didn’t guess that it would be white/light). I think I was more prepared going into it not expecting something that was too complicated or expecting any world changing revelations. I expected a decent story to end the franchise, I expected to be better than the 2nd film, and I expected to be entertained. I got all three, so there really are going to be no complaints on this film from me.

If there are any complaints it is just going to be me, right now in my review, bitching about the second film. The second film isn’t that memorable. In fact, I think I’ve maybe seen it once again since the theater and can only remember that Hiccup’s dad was ‘shockingly’ killed off, Hiccup’s mom was still alive, and they defeated a villain hellbent on either destroying dragons or using them for ultimate power. The first film I remember the most, from its amazing Academy Award nominated score, to its unique and funny storyline. They could’ve honestly just have never done another Dragon sequel after that because it is a solid masterpiece of a solo animated kids film. But Hollywood because money, am I right? However, one of the best compliments I can give this film is that IT ENDS IT, even the marketing advertises it as being the last installment, and it looks like it is keeping its promise.

I hope so, because I can’t imagine where the story could go if they made a 4th. But what am I saying, Hollywood will want to reboot this in ten years, and then just make Hiccup’s descendants or something part of that reboot and it’ll just end up being a Force Awakens effect of a ‘sequelboot.’ God, I fucking hope not. I’m hoping in ten years this rebooting/remake fad will have run its course and we’ll move on to something else maybe less annoying but more original? Who am I kidding? This review has gotten off track, I know, but I really don’t have much to say on the film, just what I said at the beginning, its simple and harmless, and managed to entertain me, and it was more memorable because of all the female Light Fury stuff.

And to give it a few more props: The villain was definitely more memorable this time out, actually being a smart douchebag for once and voiced with passion by F. Murray Abraham. There actually felt like a legitimizing threat in the world of the dragons. The animation as always is fantastic, in fact, one part where Hiccup and Astrid go to this gorgeous, huge waterfall, the waterfall looked incredibly real and so did Hiccup and Astrid flying on a dragon in the distance. The voice work is again all excellent from everyone the only distracting thing was noticing how T.J. Miller wasn’t voicing Tuffnut anymore. (I shouldn’t have to explain to you why.) Another complaint I guess I could pull out of thin air for this film is that, like the 2nd one, the score seems to just be recycled yet again with a couple of extra notes here and there.

But yes, this was a good trilogy capper, and if you are obsessed with the How To Train Your Dragon movies, you are going to love this, and want three specific Funko Pop Vinyls of characters near the end of the film. There is nothing wrong with this film. It isn’t boring in any way, I was entertained for the most part, and it didn’t take and risks or try to negatively subvert expectations. It’s a fantastic family film. But now it seems the dragons are trained…so time to let them off the leash, wouldn’t you agree?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ISN’T IT ROMANTIC?

ISN’T IT ROMANTIC had the potential to be something that could really poke fun at, yet homage all the romantic comedies we’ve seen time and again and still get made to this day. While it wasn’t the disaster I thought it would be, I don’t feel like it tried hard enough to poke fun at everything and instead at times fell into more of the pit falls that hurt those kinds of films. In the end, I feel like it was a decent one time watch, and that maybe someone down the line will watch this film, and decide to make a better one. I have to admit, it wasn’t as agonizingly dumb like the stupid parody films we’ve gotten in recent years like Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans, Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie or anything like that, but it should’ve dug deeper into the subject matter and maybe given us a film more akin to Airplane! or Top Secret! instead.

If you live in a tree and don’t know what Isn’t It Romantic? is about, it is supposed to take the romantic comedy formula, spin it on it’s head, make fun of it, and come to a more realistic conclusion based more in reality. Rebel Wilson stars as an architect that just can’t catch a break in her job or love life, and after she bangs her head in a mugging incident, she wakes up in a world where everything adheres to the rom-com rules of the movies. The movie outright make fun of those films by having Wilson’s character be bleeped whenever she tries to say the F word, and not showing the sex between her and Liam Hemsworth characters, and it also has nice little subtle touches that I enjoyed more such as pretty flowers being absolutely everywhere and little Easter Egg road signs about engagement and marriage.

The movie tries to be more realistic when it isn’t in the fantasy world, such as stating that New York really is not that great to look at and smells of shit, but it doesn’t take it to that realistic level it needed to be at for me. Her little thing with Adam Devine in the real world still reeks of movie cliched dialogue and tropes and the ending, ending (going into the credits) really missed the opportunity to be more realistic. It instead just threw the pages of the screenplay up into the air and just shrugged off everything that it tried to establish before and decided to have a non charming song and annoying dance number. The whole film needed to have more scenes like when Rebel Wilson is about to try on a bunch of clothes for a date with Hemsworth and she goes on about not doing a “trying on clothes” montage, and then THEY DON’T DO THE MONTAGE! More of that would’ve been fantastic, but the jokes don’t hit as often as they should.

I’ll also give the film some props: this is the first film where I wasn’t annoyed at all by Rebel Wilson’s character. She still does her improve that somehow works, but it is now all incorporated into a normal character that the audience can relate to. Rebel Wilson isn’t just screaming lines in this and spouting off nonsense, it looks like she wanted to take this comedy a little bit more seriously to branch out of her type cast of the not so pitch perfect films she has done before. Adam Devine proves that he is still an underrated comedian and should be in more things and Liam Hemsworth proves that, like his brother, he should be in more comedies to stretch out his talent. One actress I did not like in this was Priyanka Chopra. I’ve never thought she was a good actress, and in this her improv skills are…lacking, for lack of a better and meaner word. She has always been just eye candy to me and in this she doesn’t show anymore range. She was awful in this as much as she was in Baywatch. I never watched Quantico, but I’m guessing her career is going be way of Kate Hudson more than anything.

Anyway, my wife liked this film more than I did, and I have a feeling most women will eat this up, but to me, I watched it once, and that was enough. I’m thanking God it wasn’t a disaster like other parody films we have gotten in the recent age, but wished it was smarter like some parody films we got a long long time ago now. There just wasn’t enough poking fun of rom-coms for me. It should’ve been a joke a second, when it was more like a joke every couple of minutes. The run time of this is extremely short, only 84-86 minutes, and parts of it felt slow, which should not happen in films like these. Anyway, I just look at this as a little bit of a missed opportunity, but I didn’t want to rip my eyes or ears off. I think you’ll like it more if you are familiar with the movies it makes fun of. Also, if you do see it, see it on a romantic date… you might get a little more out of it than if you go alone.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MIRAI and NEVER LOOK AWAY (2 film review) OSCAR CATCH UP CHAPTER 11. BANKRUPTCY. FINISHED!!!

Wow, being 100% complete on one year’s worth of Oscar nominations and being prepared the most I have ever been for the telecast this Sunday, and also for Diane and I’s 10th Annual and last Oscar party, feels great. Doing this was one of my ‘bucket list’ items and I’m glad I completed it at only 32, thanks to a lot of things (Netflix, Hulu, dark web illegal shit, last minute screenings, friends of friends). It was also a fucking beating, time consuming, and I’m never going to do it again. So here is part 11 of my Oscar catch up. I’m finally done. For the rest of the year you will be getting only 2019 movie reviews. Here we go:

MIRAI (Nominated for Best Animated Feature)

I’ve never really ‘gotten’ anime I guess you could say. Other than being into the Pokemon video games and watching several episode of the cartoon when I was younger, to watching several episodes of Full Metal Alchemist when I was older, I never really gotten into it or care for it. So take my review of Mirai with a grain of salt, especially if you are an anime fan. That being said, the movie was okay. I really think it was nominated as a “we need a fifth nominated film, here’s your consolation prize as there weren’t other noticeable U.S. films this year, and we usually include one Japanese anime film on here per year now so we aren’t labeled racist or non-diverse.”

If you look really hard at it while watching it, you could compare it to The Boss Baby, with Alec Baldwin. It’s about a young little brat kid that has a new sister, and imagines a bunch of scenarios in his mind about interacting with past and future versions of his ancestors, parents, and his new little sister Mirai, in order to become a better person, but most importantly, a role model for his little sister. The main version that comes to him is his “sister that is older from the future.” The film didn’t really get going for me until the last 15-20 minutes, with awesome imagery and animation that reminded me of watching Little Nemo and the Adventures in Slumberland when I was a little kid.

The animation is great too, always love and miss 2D renderings all the time at the same time. It was just that I was mostly bored while watching it. It didn’t click with me. The Japanese anime humor flies way over my head and I honestly just don’t get it. But if you are a lover of anime and a pretty decent story, this film is definitely right up your alley. Hell there could’ve been a much worse fifth nomination this year…like Smallfoot maybe? I don’t know, didn’t see it but heard it was shit.

NEVER LOOK AWAY (Nominated for Best Foreign Language Film and Cinematography)

And yet another foreign language film I found to be more engaging, engrossing, and entertaining than Roma, and this son of a bitch is 3 hrs and 8 minutes long! I can’t decide if I like this or Capernaum better but I know that both completely blow Roma out of the water for me (even though I still find Roma to be a very good cinematic achievement…technically not narratively). Never Look Away takes place between right around 1937 and goes to 1961. It chronicles the the life of a painter named Kurt Barnett and his life as a child dealing with the end of World War II and the tragic death of his beautiful aunt, through socialist expressionism, all the way to where art became extremely experimental and avant-garde. His life consists of meeting and falling in love with a beautiful designer student while also trying to find his true voice as an artist in a profession that is constantly changing. While he is the narrative focus we also get a B Plot of a Nazi Professor named Carl Seeband and his role in the Nazi eugenics program. I would explain what that is, but the movie does that well enough for you and you can look it up on your own, it’s quite malicious and horrifying. Plus if I keep going with the plot I’m going to ruin the entire thing for you, best to check it out for yourself.

To say that these two stories intertwine at some point is a given, and you would think that I would complain that by the way these two stories come together are too much of a coincidence for me (I complained about this in my review of Border), however, with the 3 hour run time, and the ultimate conclusion/resolution to the film, the film easily earns its couple of happenstances and the ending thankfully foregoes a cliched confrontation that so many movies have done before. The film is also nominated for Best Cinematography, and I also agree that its nomination in this category was well deserved. Cinematographer Caleb Deschanel (who is Zooey and Emily’s father) enriches the screen with beautiful imagery of a pre, present, and post war country. It get even better in the latter half of the film with Carl trying his hand at creating different forms of art, especially the climax.

The acting in here is great as well, so great in fact that about 15 minutes into the film I didn’t even realize I was reading subtitles to get what was going on. Although the main actor Tom Schilling looks like if Jeremy Renner and Devon Sawa fucked and had a baby. It was a little distracting at times because I wanted to prove that all three of them were related. The actor that plays the Nazi Professor, Sebastian Koch, is great here as well, and some of you may recognize him from some American films/television programs like A Good Day To Die Hard or Homeland. Here he gets a lot of scenery to chew and does it well. Anyway, the story here is magnificent and if you really like foreign films and don’t mind reading subtitles, the 3 hours wasn’t just necessary for me to appreciate all that was necessary in this story to tell, but also flew by like watching Titanic or Gone With The Wind. It’s an epic story told with epic perfection.