Tag: Movie

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: GET DUKED! (Amazon Prime)

I can almost guarantee you that you haven’t heard of this movie. GET DUKED! is the new critically acclaimed Amazon Prime Video original movie that per IMDB describes it as: “An anarchic, hip-hop inspired comedy that follows four city boys on a wilderness trek as they try to escape a mysterious huntsman.” Wikipedia has a little better of a description: “Deep in the Scottish Highlands on a camping trip competition, four city boys try to escape a mysterious huntsman while the police trail behind, failing to provide assistance” To describe it a little bit better, in my own way, in order for you completely get the gist of it, it’s a British comedy take on The Most Dangerous Game…in a way. It’s in the 90’s on Rotten Tomatoes right about now, but for me, that seems a little too high. Its current IMDB score of 6.7 is a little more of where I would put it. I just think it needed to be, and pardon me for using my blog name as a point of criticism here, zanier. It is zany though, as most of the comedy works…such as an accidental killing, a make shift bomb, rabbit shit pellets, insane drug trips, and a tense ritualistic sacrifice set to a funny original rap song. I just don’t think that the jokes landed as hard as they needed to. They made me chuckle but I wanted to really laugh out loud…is it possible all my laughs were already wasted for today after watching Hulu’s The Binge, and I should’ve maybe saved this for another day when I had time on my hands? Maybe.

But then again, British/English humor is hit or miss for me, it either hits lightly, or it’s a meh miss, it has never been truly awful nor has it ever been truly belly busting laugh worthy (with the rare exception of masterful films like Edgar Wright’s Cornetto Trilogy). So you could say, this isn’t a meh miss, it’s a brief “thumbs up” from afar hit. Just don’t expect me to get up off my fat ass and shower this film with praise up close.It’s a decent one time watch, nothing more, nothing less, and much better than what bullshit Netflix has been churning out so far this year. And I’m definitely not this films target audience. English and British people are. And that’s perfectly okay, Get Duked! should be that film for them. The only recognizable name in this would be English comedian Eddie Izzard, who plays the huntsman aka ‘The Duke’, and along with a woman apprentice, try to kill these four boys. He is fine here, although the mask he wears most of the movie distracts from any audience member being able to tell if he made a solid performance or not facially. The four boys do a solid acting job though, playing off each other really well, couldn’t even tell that some of it was probably improv. The last 30 minutes, other than that tense rap little sequence, is easily the best part of the movie. Which the first fifty something minutes of the movie would’ve been as strong. I think this is writer Ninian Doff’s first feature, because it doesn’t pull up much information about his career, and if so, it’s a fine first feature to have. It’s shot very well, and the drug trip sequences were fun and unqiue to watch. Just have the visual sight gags occur more and land harder. Watch some Edgar Wright movies, he knows how to film those with expert precision. Or watch the British film Attack The Block, that small sci-fi extravaganza blended tension and comedy EXTREMELY well. Your sophomore feature should improve upon this one, otherwise next time I might tell you to get fucked.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: CLASS ACTION PARK (HBO Max)

CLASS ACTION PARK is a perfect little documentary that just premiered on HBO Max yesterday. Perfect in its construction and execution. The doc grabs you at first with “holy shit, I can’t believe this was real” laughs and then mid way through the film, keeps your attention by doing a 180 and presenting the cold hard facts of the corruptness and tragedy of it all. It’s not too long and it’s not too short (1 hr and 30 minutes exactly). It makes you want more by the end of it, yet it doesn’t over present its case. Instead it sticks with you long enough after you’ve finished the film where you end up doing the rest of the research on your own. Research that ends up going into too many details, just backing up the docs claims. If this information here to be added onto the movie, say about thirty minutes, making the doc two hours, it would’ve put the casual movie goer to sleep. Per IMDB, it describes Class Action Park as “a documentary that focuses on a dangerously legendary water park and its slew of injuries and crimes along with child safety concerns.” The 2018 Jackass movie Action Point was based on this park. The very much real Action Park was in New Jersey, built in the late 70s, but ended up being more notorious in the early to mid 80s. The first half of the movie presents the park’s origin, and detailed information on specific rides and how dangerous they were. It’s hilarious, “what the fuck”, kind of awful. The documentary is cut and interspersed with actual footage and ads from the park, some not well known celebrities such as Chris Gethard and Alison Becker with their memories of going to the park when they were young (Gethard’s tales are especially hilarious with the way he describes things), and then tales of recollection from the son of the creator of the park and some of the parks employees, high and low.

It’s a very interesting documentary. It makes you laugh, but then it makes you hate everyone involved with the creation of the park, and the upkeep of it. There are rides described (and some shown, either with archive footage or this zany crude original animation) in this film that will make your jaw drop straight to the ground. You don’t know how many times during the film my wife and I said out loud, “how in the fuck did they get away with this?” Luckily, the film answers that question, and even with the political corruptness happening to the United States today, those answers were still shocking to hear. You want to know how bad this park was? I can quickly give you a brief snippet from the doc that will answer that question easily: even Donald motherfucking Trump was about to invest it in back in the 80s before he backed out, deeming that the park was, and I quote, “too nuts.” Donald Trump didn’t even invest in that craziness, let that sink in. And then the documentary makes you sad while angry, as it goes into detail about the 5 deaths that occurred at the park, really focusing on one of those families, the tragedy, and its aftermath. The perfect ending stinger. It brings you in with laughs but then sucker punches you with sadness and anger over the dumb asses that let it all happen. If you aren’t riveted or floored by the end of this doc, then I’m sorry to say that probably no documentary is worth your time, energy and investment. Class Action Park probably won’t win any awards, as this documentary isn’t about poverty, or racism, or injustice, or anything akin to those that do win Oscars at years end, but it is quite effective with the subject matter it presents to its target audience, and at the end of the day, isn’t that a ride worth visiting?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BINGE (Hulu)

THE BINGE is almost literally the same movie as Good Boys…but On Drugs. But don’t worry, the kids are 18 in this, and considering the year this takes place in, I’m surprised that they didn’t just use the characters from that movie and have that be the title of the sequel.The Binge is also a sort of, semi-parody of The Purge movies, described so eloquently in IMDB’s log line for the film: “Set in a time where all drugs and alcohol are illegal, the only day anyone can participate in the “fun” is on Binge day.” The year is 2032, where teenagers that just hit 18 don’t even know what a keg stand is anymore. You’d think maybe it should’ve been ten more years into the future (2042) for that notion to be believable, but believe me when I tell you this, to enjoy this movie, completely leave all logic and reasoning at the door before you hit PLAY. This is a teen comedy if there ever was one. There are drug jokes, dick jokes, sex jokes, crude humor up the wazoo, almost as bad if not worse of the amount there was in Good Boys. Other than The Purge angle, this movie is completely unoriginal. It’s about three friends, one who wants to ask his school Principal’s daughter (who he’s known since he was a kid) to prom. One of them just wants to go to this annual Binge party, take place in a competition there called The Gauntlet, and have sex with one of the hottest girls in school. The last one is that token weirdo that says random ass shit with dead pan delivery we’ve come accustomed to in films like this. You HAVE to watch this movie in a good mood (or at least be able to want to be in a good mood), because if you do, like I did, you are going to have a fantastic and hilarious time. If you aren’t in a good mood and don’t want to have a fantastic time, like most regular critics are with the film, you are just going to rip it a new asshole in terms of originality and the fact that the movie doesn’t do nearly enough to develop how a day like this might really play out in the real world. At least today, I don’t care how unoriginal this film was and we are living in a country that doesn’t give two fucks what it does during a pandemic right now, so I certainly don’t want to watch something that is eerily reminiscent of what we are going through. I just wanted to laugh and I haven’t laughed this hard since last month’s Palm Springs. To conclude this introductory paragraph, Hulu is KILLING IT this year with original movies. I just put The Binge on my top 20 list, and along with Palm Springs, I don’t think I see a Netflix film on there. That’s saying something.

Two out of the three friends are from the recent movie Booksmart, and the main main protagonist Griffin, you might recognize as Skylar Gizondo. He stole the show in Booksmart but really stole every scene in Netflix’s great original series that was cancelled too early, Santa Clarita Diet. He plays it straight here…until he’s on drugs and alcohol. The other two teenagers, played by Dexter Darden and Eduardo Franco, get their moments to shine and made me laugh constantly. Speaking of playing it straight, Vince Vaughn is in this and he plays the school’s principal and the father of the girl that Griffin wants to ask to prom. Mr. Vaughn, even though being the ‘and’ in the opening credits, is in this much more than you initially probably think he would be. At first Vaughn plays the typical stuck up father old man role that hates the annual Binge night (although still with that stinging classic improv from him that makes you do several double takes to understand what just came out of his mouth), but as every minute of the movie ticks by, and the more scenes he is in, the Wedding Crasher comes out of him, and by the end of it he ends up being the funniest he’s ever been since that classic 2005 film. It’s just a really funny fucking movie. There is so much random shit in it, such as really funny auto-correct texting jokes, a giant bar multi-person bicycle, and cocaine in a cow’s eyeball that, for an hour and 38 minutes, made me forget about these shitty times the whole world is going through. I didn’t expect a masterpiece. Sure, you are going to have to suspend your believe in how much drugs and alcohol some of the lead characters do and somehow they still A. survive and B. seem sober the next minute. Especially involving one part of The Gauntlet competition where you have to snort as much cocaine as you can and when you aren’t snorting you have to do an Al Pacino Scarface impression. Yeah, I shit you not, that is in this movie. There is even an end of second act random drug trip lovely musical sequence. The film right now is doing TERRIBLE critically, it’s 22% on Rotten Tomatoes. This is one time where I completely disagree with the critics. They are especially being too harsh on the film, and you can tell all of them completely brought their brain into the mix when they hit the PLAY button. They are calling it irresponsible, inate, and wasted potential. I have a feeling that some of these critics just can’t be put into a good mood right now. I understand. But you have to WANT to be in a good mood to enjoy a film like this. And trust me, with 2020, every minute I want to binge on a high of good moods.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: UNHINGED

Any of you reading this review that have seen this movie and wanted to hear my thoughts on it, well…welcome back to the movies! It feels good, doesn’t it? Able to finally go back, witness a new story, witness new characters, witness movie magic happening right before your eyes? Theaters closed, since what, mid March? 5 months. Wow. Almost half a year because of a fucking virus that was mishandled by a foreign government, and then mishandled by our own, and now being mishandled by a lot of normal everyday people. The theater going experience was TAKEN from us because of dumb stupid fucking human beings that don’t want to be blamed for anything and just like pointing fingers. It has been HELL for me. Sure, we have gotten a plethora of straight to streaming movies, but other than Palm Springs and Sputnik, have any others really been that special? No. And Netflix has been to blame for most of the garbage I have seen and reviewed. After a couple of push backs because of spikes in COVID-19 positive cases, the movie industry had finally had enough, were finally burnt out of all the bullshit, and with cleaning and safety protocols put in place, have started to open their doors again, virus be damned. Because if you didn’t know, people have families to feed, people need jobs, need money, need to LIVE. I’m not talking about the corporate big wigs that laid off people because of their bottom line bonus at the end of this shitty year, I’m talking about the minimum wage workers who were helpless with this whole matter, and are barely getting by. And if theaters are just going to keep their doors shut until a vaccine is made, well…they might not ever be able to open their doors again. And I know, it isn’t just theaters, but you see my point right? So if you are against theaters reopening right now, go fuck yourself, because they are doing their damn-dest to try and find some sort of compromise. I’ve been going back since late June, seeing free old classics, and I can tell you their cleaning protocols are state of the art. But seeing old movies for free that I own at home wasn’t enough, and Tenet and New Mutants are still a week away, so I decided to go see a new movie this weekend, even if I knew it wasn’t going to be anything special. I decided to go see UNHINGED, a 90 minute film where Russell Crowe hams it up sitting on his ass, whether it be behind the wheel or briefly at a diner, for about 95% of the film’s runtime. Maximus has let himself go ladies and gentlemen (I know, I shouldn’t be talking), but at least he is entertaining as hell while doing so.

There are actually three new movies that came out this weekend, so why didn’t I pick one of the other two, to try and make my trip back to new movies something I wouldn’t forget? Well, because one of them I already saw in a “virtual screening” this past Tuesday, and the other is an overlong 2 hour and 15 minute movie directed by RZA, that’s right, RZA, that is about a heist during Hurrican Katrina, that has already been done before in 2018’s Hurricane Heist, that both got terrible reviews. Plus, who wouldn’t be intrigued by IMDB’s log line description of Unhinged? “After a confrontation with an unstable man at an intersection, a woman becomes the target of his rage. Road rage.” Russell Crowe plays the unstable man and “Not Karen Gillan” Caren Pistorious plays the terrified mother/woman in path. Side note: isn’t it ironic that an actress named Caren kind of acts a little like a “Karen” at first in this movie? Anyway, since us movie nerds know that Russell Crowe doesn’t audition for shit anymore, and that he was handed this role on a silver platter, does he at least act like he wanted to be in this? Absolutely. In fact, watching Russell Crowe act like a pissed off psychopathic maniac road rage murderer is the number one reason I’m recommending that you check out this movie at least once, whether it be while it is still in theaters or if you have the patience to calmly wait until it is on a streaming service you already happen to be subscribed to. Normally, if this film would’ve come out regularly, like any other year, without this butt fucking virus ruining all of our lives, I probably wouldn’t have even seen this film in the theater, especially with the lukewarm reviews it has been getting. I definitely would’ve waited until it hit Netflix or Hulu or a discounted cheap rental on Vudu or Fandango Now. And on any other year, after I had watched this film, it would’ve just received a minor pass from me, entertaining at the moment but ultimately forgettable.

But this is the amuse bouche to Tenet we are talking about here. The marketing team for this movie was smart, they KNEW that they had to be one of the first to put out their product when theaters decided to finally open their asses back up. They new that some movie obsessed nerds, like me, would see about anything as long as it had a wacky premise and was something they hadn’t seen before. And because it is my first new film trip back to the movies, it ultimately won’t end up being forgettable in this unforgettable time in history. In fact, I would watch this again, if only for Crowe’s acting, a couple of “holy shit” car crash moments, and one of the best cheesy ass one liners I’ve ever heard before a gruesome kill in history. In fact, everybody, behind and in front of the camera, does a solid job here. Caren Pistorius, as the mother who lays her hand on her car horn a couple of seconds too many, is great looking like a terrified and screaming her head off individual. Gabriel Bateman, who plays her son, was solid in the new Child’s Play remake, is solid here as well. And Jimmi Simpson, a great character actor, is a bit wasted here, but still decent in the little screen time he has. I’m not familiar with director Derrick Borte’s work, but he shot everything pretty well, especially some of the car chase sequences and subsequent wrecks. If he were to direct a Fast and Furious movie, he could do wonders, and if Universal can’t ever find a director, give an unknown like him a shot. Writer Carl Ellsworth, now his work I’m familiar with. He wrote Wes Craven’s cool little thriller Red Eye, and Shia LaBeouf’s cool little thriller Disturbia back in the day. He knows how to write short little movies that get to the point and don’t waste your time. Unhinged is no different. It’s short, entertaining, and doesn’t waste a second of your time. In fact, Unhinged might make you remember and think back on it as you rethink some of your actions while behind the wheel. You never know if a really pissed off Fat Maximus is in the chariot next to you.

P.S., Side Note, whatever: At the very beginning of the movie, a younger couple moved down from their high up seats and sat one row above and near me for some reason. They started to talk and I let them for about a minute before sternly turning my head around and asking them to not ruin the movie for me with their commentary. I think they were scared and they shut up for the rest of the film. What in your right God damn mind would make you think it is okay to move to unassigned social distancing seats during a fucking pandemic, sit near someone who is by themselves, and start to talk during a movie called Unhinged that is about a guy that basically gets pissed off and murderous because of a little, rude disturbance? I was about to tell them that I didn’t wait five months to see a new movie in the theater to have little rat fuck millennial assholes disturb and ruin it all for me. Come on people, stay home if you want to talk (or text) during something. Leave the theater going experiences for those that can respect the rules and that actually want to be there because they have missed it so.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE ONE AND ONLY IVAN (Disney+)

THE ONE AND ONLY IVAN, that just premiered today on Disney+, is just another standard talking animal movie. Designed to hit you in the feels with a couple of moments while watching it, but those feelings lost in time almost immediately afterward. Kids will enjoy it more than adults, but some of the younger ones might be cuddling up with their parents during the sadder and darker moments. Not that there’s a lot of those moments, because it really is just a harmless kids film but I doubt neither you or your kids are going to be singing its praises for a re-watch or two. Ivan is filled with excellent voice acting, particularly from Sam Rockwell and Brooklynn Prince, and a solid live action performance from Bryan Cranston, but did you expect anything less with the latter, as this is Heisenberg we are talking about here? I don’t think Cranston has the heart to ever phone it in. At the start of the movie, I was afraid it was going to go down certain predictable story paths we’ve seen before. You see, I have heard about this film very little, have seen only a screenshot or two online and didn’t watch the trailer. Almost went in completely blind. At first I thought it was going to be another “save the **insert business here** movie,” then it switched direction and I thought it was going to be another “jealousy between old and new talent” movie but in the end it (thankfully) became a “captivity” movie, although it didn’t have much to say as I felt like a lot was held back. Disney style.

That “captivity” conversation is held back mainly due to the fact that the film really didn’t have a centralized villain, such as a greedy animal tamer, unless you count depression and death as the villain. Which maybe it did? If it did that wasn’t quite clear. Bryan Cranston’s character is a kind-hearted but clueless mini mall circus owner, so do you really think that near the end of the film he is going to have a sudden mean streak, be an asshole and not let his animals go back out into the wild? Yeah…no. That doesn’t happen and if it did, that’s where the movie would have lost me. IMDB describes THE ONE AND ONLY IVAN as such: “A gorilla named Ivan tries to piece together his past with the help of an elephant named Stella as they hatch a plan to escape from captivity.” The log line is a little misleading as there is nothing to piece together from his past, he remembers all of it and knows he eventually wants freedom. It’s more just “telling his tale” than piecing together anything. And the “hatching a plan to escape part” is only in 5 to 7 minutes of the film, ends even more quickly and is used more as a comic relief scene than it does trying to be something meaningful. Screenplay writer Mike White, who has written such gems as School of Rock, The Good Girl, and Orange county seems to be on a weird and calm autopilot here, not really putting much “inspiration” into the Inspired By A True Story title card the film puts on the screen before the movie starts.

The movie isn’t bad, it’s just okay…it’s just there. Certainly not the worst thing Disney+ has given us thus far, but if you have nothing even half way challenging The Mandalorian’s throne, what good are you really? But…you and yours might like this film a lot more than I did. Sam Rockwell as Ivan and Brooklynn Prince as Ruby did tremendous jobs with their voice acting and those two’s work might be worth a one time watch alone. The CGI of the animals was also pretty tame and not jarring in the least, and the faces of the animals talking actually looked like they had personalities, kind of like Disney+’s recent live action adaptation of The Lady and The Tramp, and thankfully unlike an audience overrated “live-action” remake last year where the lions…errr, all the animals looked like bored talking robots. I just want something more from these original movies on these streaming platforms. Everything seems to be on autopilot with these originals, using some blueprint that has a bunch of wear and tear because it has been used too many times in too many things. Surely there is something more that these originals can bring to the table? But I have a feeling The House of Mouse is holding some of these projects back if it doesn’t fit their family-friendly “brand.” There are other darker and sadder places this movie could have and probably should have gone to make its messages and themes hit home more, but that doesn’t fit in with Disney’s brand, so out that goes. Are we really going to keep shielding adults and children that can obviously handle the truth? **gets handed a cease and desist order** Goofy: “Gosh, Zach, shut up, you’re making us look bad…HYUK!”

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: CHEMICAL HEARTS (Amazon Prime)

Good lord I can’t wait to go back to the theater tomorrow. If Unhinged is only half a percent better than Amazon Prime’s new original movie, CHEMICAL HEARTS, I’ll be relieved. This film is the definition of sappy depressing teen angst for the sake of being sappy depressing teen angst. It’s a simple story that doesn’t have any new real revelations and it has been done a ton of times in better, older films. It brings absolutely nothing new to the table. The acting is fine, yet when your movie’s best feature is the score and musical choices, you might have a problem. This is a teen romance drama that is adapted from a novel, of which I can guarantee you the novel has something deeper and more to say than this movie did. The film also has a few interesting things to say about the chemicals in our brain and body and the movie didn’t end the way I thought it was going to, but that was it. Everything else is just standard: boy is a virgin that hasn’t had anything exciting happen in his life; beautiful girl with a walking cane obviously has a damaged past and a couple of emotional secrets; she is resistant at first, they fall in love, yada yada yada, shit happens, some light at the end of the tunnel, the end. You. Have. Seen. It. All. Before. This film makes A Walk To Remember look like a masterpiece. Could the movie had been better if the novelist actually wrote a screenplay off her novel? Probably, but the director took a stab at it, and it feels like his heart wasn’t into it, the creative chemicals in his imagination on autopilot.

Does it mean anything when I say this is Riverdale’s Lili Reinhart’s best performance? Not really. She’s an okay actress, but she is too old to be still playing these high school characters. Especially after I saw her in Hustlers last year. Her and Austin Abrams, who plays the male protagonist, are the same age, but while he looks like he still has a year or two left of pulling off high school roles, she’s about two years too late. Per IMDB, it describes Chemical Hearts as: “A high school transfer student finds a new passion when she begins to work on the school’s newspaper.” That log line is a bit misleading as it is more about the boy’s story finding out her story than the whole movie being from her point of view. Either way, it is all just teen angst bullshit with cliched dialogue, other than the few lines about chemicals in our system, that you’ve seen and heard all before. It’s nothing new, so if you eat up that shit with each and every viewing, you are probably going to like this movie. Out of two movies about teen angst that release this weekend, the other, Words On Bathroom Walls, is much more worth your time. And the studio that is producing that movie knows that, as Words On Bathroom Walls is actually getting a theatrical release (even though it would’ve worked as a perfect video on demand release as well), while Chemical Hearts is just being dumped on Amazon Prime. This movie deserves that fate, as it wouldn’t have had any type of reaction if it had released theatrically like it originally intended to. It’s a poor man’s “insert another better romance drama here.” The thing is, I don’t know if it’s going to even have a good chemical reaction on Amazon’s streaming platform, as it is just a beaker of water really, with the burner set on low.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: WORDS ON BATHROOM WALLS

So, because you probably don’t know, WORDS ON BATHROOM WALLS actually hits theaters this Friday. That’s right, theaters. Why this little movie didn’t take the video on demand path in the middle of nothing several months ago, I can’t explain nor do I know its history. I’m guessing the movie had a theatrical contract that it couldn’t get out of or something, otherwise we all would’ve had the opportunity to watch this in June or July. Speaking of history, so if theaters don’t open up until two days from now, the question you are probably asking yourself is, how the heck am I already writing a review of it? To give you a little insight into my past, before I had this blog, before I had a child, a wife, and a life, I used to go to all these advance screenings of films mostly held by this company http://www.gofobo.com. Don’t worry, they are a legit business. You go there, you would type in your zip code, and it would tell you where advanced and FREE movie screenings at theaters were being held around your area. So before I had any child depending on me, I would go to these advanced screenings…ALL THE TIME. One year I did an excel spread sheet of how much money I saved going to these free screenings, and needless to say, it was a boatload. But there is no such thing as a free screenings, as you were not guaranteed to get in, so you had to wait in line 2 to 4 hours, just to get a good seat, and depending on how early you got there, a decent seat in adjacent to the screen. It was only one show of it, at a specific time. You couldn’t choose. So while the screening was free, I would be at the theater double or even triple the time once the movie let out than I would have spent at a regular paid showing. Basically, all my evenings were giant time wasters to see a free movie. How dumb was I, right?

Anyway, so what does this company, GoFoBo, do, in the middle of a pandemic? Where there are no advance screenings, there are no new movies, there are no theaters open? They have mostly been promoting video on demand stuff, and I didn’t know this until just this week, but they have been doing VIRTUAL ADVANCE SCREENINGS. Most of these virtual advance screenings, however, were for Amazon, Hulu, or Netflix films that I would eventually get to see a couple of days later, because I subscribe to a lot of streaming services. So needless to say I wasn’t really missing out. In these virtual advance screenings, you have to click the link fast enough to reserve an online spot an hour before your screening, the movie starts on time, and you have a little window, a couple of minutes, where you can hit play. Wait too long, and the link expires. You can pause the movie for a tiny bit, but if you pause it for a prolonged period, the link expires. I happened to win a, virtual seat, if you will, from a website on Twitter. I still had to go and register and click the link one hour before Words On Bathroom Walls started, and when the clock hit 6:00 pm yesterday, a link that says ‘Watch Movie’ appears and you are supposed to click it almost immediately. Needless to say, it wasn’t that smooth. In fact, it was 6:05 and the link was still timing out on me. I was about to give up and maybe watch it when it came out on video. But finally, lo and behold, I wasn’t late, after the 10th to 11th click, a play button appeared and after a brief quarantine introduction by one of the films’ stars, I got to watch a movie that will hit theaters on Friday…on my phone. My phone (with earbuds) was a compromise as I was watching this while keeping an eye on my son watching his own kid stuff on TV and playing. So no more delays, let’s get to the thick of it shall we? How was the actual movie?

It’s was actually pretty decent, I even choked up a few times with it being a drama, but there was one or two things keeping it from being masterfully great, and I’ll get to those in a second. Per IMDB.com, Words On Bathroom Walls is described as such: “Diagnosed with a mental illness halfway through his senior year of high school, a witty, introspective teen struggles to keep it a secret while falling in love with a brilliant classmate who inspires him to not be defined by his condition.” That mental illness is schizophrenia, by the way, and his illness isn’t set up to be a mystery, the trailer and the beginning of the film tell you exactly what it is. The movie follows a very commonly used narrative outline, too common, which is one of the reasons why it fell short of being fantastic. You know the narrative, it’s like a movie about an alcoholic/drug user overcoming his addiction. **start of spoilers, skip to next paragraph** The movie starts out recognizing something is wrong with the young man, he gets expelled from school, but a new opportunity and a new experimental drug try to help him get his life together so he can be sane enough to go to culinary school, he also meets a girl there that inspires him. But eventually, it wouldn’t be a movie if everything was quaint and charming the rest of the hour and 50 minute run time, so this experimental drug, while working really well at first, actually hinders a lot of his thoughts and abilities, and he has a relapse, a really bad one, but then just as the lowest point in his life seemingly might be the end of it, a new glimmer of hope helps the kid come out of the rubble. So in essence, it follows the same roller coaster narrative on any rise and fall or addiction movie you’ve seen before. Nothing new here in terms of where the plot takes you. **end of spoilers**

What did work well, extremely well, were the performances. Everybody here, even Andy Garcia as the school’s main priest, brought their A game, especially the two leads. Charlie Plummer plays the titular character named Adam, and Taylor Russell plays the love interest Maya. Taylor Russell has been killing it lately in terms of acting. Her acting is always better than the movies she is in. She was the bright spot in Escape Room several years ago, and she made a huge splash (pun intended) last year, playing the main character in the second half of a film called Waves. If you haven’t seen Waves, do so immediately. Both actors take their characters to another level, adding layers where some would just try their best to recite their lines and move on. Their performances are worth one watch of this film alone. Walton Goggins even has a small supporting role as Adam’s step dad, a performance the comes more and more into the light the more screen time Goggins gets in the end. The scenes with Adam interacting Goggins or Adam interacting Garcia’s characters are the best moments in the film. Other than the love story, which I also enjoyed. Adam and Maya don’t just fall in love right off the bat. Their friendship into courtship felt very realistic here. The movie took it’s time, thank God, because if it hadn’t, and they would’ve been together minute 10 or 15, it probably wouldn’t taken me out of the experience a little too much.

I’ve gone on a little too long, so let’s wrap this up in this paragraph shall we? The other thing I didn’t like about the movie was the colorful characters that Adam sees as part of his schizophrenia. Now I’m not an expert of schizophrenia by any means, but I know that it is quite serious, and the lighthearted and sometimes funny parts of Adam’s mental illness didn’t seem realistic enough and the tone was a bit off with the rest of the movie. Are there any schizophrenics out there that can chime in with any lighthearted and funny moments of their mental illness? I highly doubt it. There is a weird hippy girl, played great by AnnaSophia Robb though, a weird sex pervert dude, and then a bald headed body guard with a bat. Their scenes were mostly comic relief, which I didn’t care for. I wanted something more serious, such as there is also this dark, figureless voice in Adam’s head that wants to torment Adam at every turn. That dark figureless voice with other insane and crazy visions, should have been it in the movie, the comic relief visions left on the cutting room floor. I don’t know, I’m not a psychiatrist or doctor, so I don’t know if there are bright spots in this mental illness, and if there are, I do apologize, but they just didn’t work in this movie for me. The film is a little out of his league for director Thor Freudenthal, as he has only directed kids movies like Percy Jackson 2 and Hotel For Dogs in his career, but maybe this is a stepping stone to get it out typecast. The film is shot well, and he is clearly an actor’s director, getting fantastic performances out of everyone. I enjoyed reading the words on this wall, I only wish there were more words that I hadn’t seen before and more serious words at that.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LOST HUSBAND

Good…God…what the actual fucking fuck am I watching? Okay, so we all know that Netflix does their top ten streaming offerings per day right? The only reason why I knew that this new straight to streaming movie, THE LOST HUSBAND, even fucking existed is because of that list, which this film has it has been all over the place the past couple of weeks, #3 yesterday when I actually had the gall to press play. What is wrong with you people? Seeing what has been on there ever since that list came to pass, I now know that at least 50 to 75% of those picks are bullshit. I mean, for fuck’s sake, this was fucking awful. So so so so so slow and boring and if my 3 year old son suddenly asked me if he could deck me to put me out of my misery from watching any more of it, I would’ve gladly let his little fist knock me the fuck out. The only reason, I repeat, the ONLY reason I am not putting this in my top ten worst films list, is because the little 1% of my brain that isn’t mad at me for giving this film a try is making me realize this film isn’t for me. I’m not the target audience. Then who is? People that love those Lifetime movie schmaltzy lovey-dovey bullshit. And the fact that all involved could act, including leads Leslie Bibb, Nora Dunn, and Josh Duhamel. But lord, this has every cliche in the book. There is even a scene of a main character hearing gossip outside of the bathroom stall that she’s in to some bitches that just treated her nice 5 minutes earlier. HOW MANY TIMES HAS THAT BEEN DONE BEFORE?!?!?

Per IMDB, it describes The Lost Husband as such: “Trying to put her life back together after the death of her husband, Libby (Leslie Bibb) and her children move to her estranged Aunt’s (Nora Dunn) goat farm in central Texas.” Not only does the movie throw into the ring the cliche of Libby finding out some secrets about her family, but do you or do you not think she’s going to end up with the sexy ranch hand that up keeps the farm, played by Josh Duhamel? And do you think this ranch hand has some sappy and sad baggage of his own? Spoiler alert: does a goat shit on a farm? This movie seems to be so dramatic, lifetime-y, and sob-festy, that I can’t decide if it’s sincere or if it’s treating its target audience as if they were idiots? Everything about it is just lazy screenplay writing 101. The kids adjust to new life on the farm, but of course not at school, where of course they get cliched bullied, of which their new school has a no physical altercation policy, “only use your words,” but if you use a bad word then you are fucked anyway. The writer/director Vicky Wright hasn’t done much else in her career, so suffice to say not much thought was put into this story or project is a no brainer. It seemed like Josh Duhamel’s character’s baggage might actually be pretty hefty, something to make me sit up and pay attention, but when I hit the pause button, and found out there was only 18 minutes of the film left, I knew that it would be solved in his mind off screen and everything would be okay in the end without much or if any explanation. Was I right? Spoiler alert: does a cow shit on a farm?

There is even A GOD DAMN SEANCE IN THIS MOVIE. I SHIT YOU NOT. At least the seance didn’t step into “jump the shark” territory, like the woman having a vision of her dead husband’s ghost, but it was a scene that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Just forced characterization, such as of course the young woman at the feed store that is close with Libby’s aunt happens to read palm lines and perform seances. OF COURSE SHE DOES! At least all the actors seemed like they wanted to be there and weren’t just reading their lines for a paycheck, I’ve got to at least give them that credit. But like, did Leslie Bibb show her partner Sam Rockwell this screenplay and did he approve? Or was she just so desperate for work that she’ll say yes to about anything nowadays. Leslie Bibb, you are better than this movie. Remember how you stole all of your scenes in Talladega Nights? What happened to that Leslie Bibb? Josh Duhamel, come on, what are you doing man? You were great as the dad in Love, Simon. You are better than this. If any of you that read my reviews watches this and likes it, do me a favor and just stop watching movies. Because you have SHIT taste. Oh my God am I glad theaters are finally starting to open up and show new shit. I am about to be done trying to scour all the streaming sites looking for anything, no matter how great or how shitty, to review. I’m lost in what good can be found in this giant pile of shit. I’m so tired of these shitty direct to streaming streamers. I’m just tired and I’m just lost in general. Hopefully this weekend, with Inception’s re release and Unhinged, my mind can be found again.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: STRAIGHT UP

Fans of Gilmore Girls will love this new find that I just recently found on Netflix (& you can rent on demand if you don’t have Netflix) called STRAIGHT UP. Not only because the main girl protagonist’s name is Rory and she and the male protagonist both happen to mention they love the show Gilmore Girls but because this film shares one very big identifying trait that was present in that series: rapid fire witty dialogue. Which is probably why it mentioned the television show, so that we critics think that it is more of an homage and not a straight up rip off. And it does come off as an homage, mainly because the rest of the story goes well right along with it. It’s definitely a dialogue rom-com, so if you are looking for any…ZANY physical comedy situation to arise somewhere in this film, look elsewhere. This movie is shot like a Wes Anderson film, symmetrical stable shots with no dollies or any complicated shots, and the story is told mainly through the dialogue and the fantastic acting by both leads, Kate Findlay and James Sweeney, the latter who both wrote and directed this film. That’s also part of why this movie felt realistic, because he had his hand in literally all of the production. This is one of those streaming films that you can put on in the background and still follow the story even if you aren’t looking at the screen, but I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that you’d miss some great facial expression reactions in doing so.

Per IMDB, Straight Up is described as follows: “Todd and Rory are intellectual soul mates. He might be gay. She might not care. A romantic-comedy drama with a twist; a love story without the thrill of copulation.” While the movie doesn’t have a clear cut ending, as it leaves a couple of tiny threads ambiguous, it doesn’t matter as the narrative ends exactly when it needs to. The dialogue in this grabs you from minute one and doesn’t let up until the end credits. Yes, I love action movies, but I also love when a movie breathes a little with a lot of talking as long as it doesn’t feel forced or unrealistic. The rapid fire exchanges between everyone feel realistic here, and a lot of one liners will make you laugh your ass off. The two more recognizable faces in this are Randall Park and Betsy Brandt as Todd’s parents, and their 5 to 10 minutes of screen time is some of the most chuckle worthy yet emotional in the film. I found Todd’s reasoning for not wanting to be with men, because of bodily fluids, especially poop, to be realistically hilarious yet kind of sad at the same time, and I found Kate’s reasoning for not really needing sex but an intellectual male partner on the same level and realistic as Todd’s OCD. I just really liked the story and the dialogue. I’ll be straight with you: this isn’t a masterpiece by far, but it is a solid, solid one time watch, specially if you are a dialogue fan like me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPUTNIK

SPUTNIK is one of the best films of 2020 so far, and statistics say that about 95% of Americans won’t give it a try at all. Why? Because it is a Russian made film with subtitles. But I implore you, just like 2019’s Oscar Best Picture Winner Parasite, look past the subtitles and different language and just try to enjoy yourselves. Like with most subtitle films, I forget I am even reading them only 10 to 15 minutes into the movie, especially if the movie is fantastically entertaining. If you actually do give this a chance, you might be scratching your head at the beginning and would want to say to me, “Zach, have you gone nuts, this is basically an Alien like clone and/or a spiritual sequel to it or Life.” Keep watching, it isn’t and it becomes its own thing. It also has several backstories to characters that have tremendous emotional payoffs in the last 5-10 minutes of the movie. This is one of those sci-fi films that actually cares about its characters and aren’t just fodder for some kind of extra terrestrial entity to kill and up the movies’ body count. Combined with an incredible score, probably the best I’ve heard all year so far as well, a solid story, several well execute and earned scares, great gory CGI, and a fantastic central performance from lead actress Oksana Akinshina, Sputnik is a must see. If you don’t want to because of actually having to read, I hope your subtitle guilt eats you up inside (pun intended, you’ll see) as you are really missing out.

Per IMDB, Sputnik is described as follows: “The lone survivor of an enigmatic spaceship incident hasn’t returned back home alone-hiding inside his body is a dangerous creature.” After watching the movie, I was wondering why the movie was titled that as Sputnik it was the name of the first artificial satellite put in orbit around the earth. However, doing some more research I found out that it is also the Russian word for ‘companion’ or ‘fellow traveler’, alluding to the companion the commander brings along. Brilliant. And no, the alien doesn’t just burst out of the guys chest like alien, it is a bit more complicated than that. I want to explain the brilliance of why it inhabits this astronauts body, but that would ruin some of the fun, suffice to say, the film quickly becomes it’s own thing and your fears should be quickly eradicated that it is a direct rip off of Alien. This is going to be a pretty short review because I don’t know any of the writers, directors, or main players, but suffice to say the film is written very well, shot very well, the CGI is used sparingly and looks realistic, and actress Oksana Akinshina gives a fantastic performance, and thankfully wasn’t just a Ellen Ripley rip off, she’s her own strong female force. I appreciate the little things. I also appreciated that while the motivations of the ‘villains’ could be looked at as ‘cookie cutter’ in some places, in other places they weren’t and were actually kind of unique. You’ll see if you watch and actually pay attention. While the recently watched Archive was smart sci-fi up until the last 5 minutes of the movie, Sputnik is smart sci-fi for the entire hour and 53 minutes, never a dull moment, no tricks or facades, it knows its audience can think for once. Please comrades, I’d like some more.