Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPIRAL (Shudder)

First of all, no, this is not Saw 9. This new movie exclusively streaming on Shudder just happens to have the same title of Saw 9, that was supposed to come out in May but due to COVID-19 got delayed till NEXT May 2021. If I were to describe this SPIRAL, it would be Get Out, but with homosexual couples (the title should’ve been Get Out Of The Closet). And a much different story and third act. You’ll see. I promised myself I wouldn’t do another free trial of Shudder on one of my many different e-mails, but this film has gained so much traction in my neck of the woods the past several weeks that I just had to do another 7 day-er and check this out. And I’m glad I did, as out of the three whole Shudder exclusive movies I’ve watched, this is by far the best one, even though the more I think about Host, the more I respect it (both definitely better than the mind-numbing Beach House movie on the app). Per IMDB, it describes Spiral as: “A same-sex couple move to a small town so they can enjoy a better quality of life and raise their 16 year-old daughter with the best social values. But nothing is as it seems in their picturesque neighborhood. And when Malik sees the folks next door throwing a very strange party, something shocking has got to give.” The movie takes place in the year 1995, so it’s kind of at the height of the 90s gay panic if you think about it. The movie works with only a few well earned jump scares because it’s mostly a psychological horror film, filled more with dread and unease than it is meant to be just cheap jump scare plus a lot of gore schlock (although there is one pretty gruesome and emotional earned shot/scene here).

There isn’t really a recognizable face here except for Loclyn Munro, you’ll basically just point him out in the movie and say, “that’s the dude from Scary Movie/Freddy Vs. Jason/etc. The main protagonist here, played by Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman (Unreal) is fantastic here. He plays one part of the male gay couple and the film focuses primarily on him. He gets the paranoia, fear, and anger down pat and needed in order to sell the story. I’m not familiar with the writers or director of this, but needless to say the movie works very well within the parameters of what it’s trying to say about fear. There is an exchange of dialogue inside a jail cell near the end of the film that was haunting to think about even after the last word was spoken. Also, this is a movie with an epilogue that actually made the whole movie even better than it already was. Wow, I am at a loss for words and don’t know much more to say about this film to make it a meaty second conclusive paragraph do I? Anything I really say about the story is a spoiler in itself so I can’t get into too much detail. If I had a complaint about the movie is that the male protagonist probably shouldn’t have hid the hatred they receive from the get go, should’ve revealed all and maybe there would’ve been a different conclusion. But if the protagonist didn’t hold things back, there might not have been a movie, so my complaint is moot. So if you have the Shudder app, definitely check this out. Or if you want to do a 7 day free trail thing, check out this and Host, but make sure to cancel before it charges you for a whole month. To me the app isn’t worth it, just like Quibi.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE STRANGER (Quibi)

Well, today’s news explains a lot. My cellular service is T-Mobile and on their T-Mobile Tuesday App, every…you guessed it, Tuesday, has some cool little deals that you can tap and get, just for being a T-Mobile customer. Last Tuesday, a FREE 6 Month Subscription to Quibi was offered. Right when I saw that, I chuckled and predicted, “wow, they really must be desperate.” And yesterday, Quibi announced that they don’t have many subscribers at all, around only 77,000, and are looking to “explore strategic options” including a possible sale. Yikes. Anyway, I did take T-Mobile Tuesday up on their offer knowing that I can cancel before it renews, but let’s face it, it sounds like my free subscription won’t even last six months at this point. But I took it knowing that there was one, just one Quibi “show” that I wanted to check out ever since I saw who the filmmaker was that was making it, the two stars of it, and the subject matter: THE STRANGER. Now, the reason why I’m counting this as a movie review and not a “webisodes” one is that if you put all of these 13 episodes together, each being about 6 to 9 minutes long, you have yourself a feature length film, somewhere between an hour and 15 minutes and an hour an 47 minutes (I’d guess this is around 90-95 minutes). Since the whole story takes place over one night and all the events string together, no matter how long or short the episode, if you were to cut out the cut to black parts, you’d have a movie. And I really wish this was a movie, one that played in theaters, because I quite enjoyed it.

It’s tense, it doesn’t waste anyone’s time, it’s very enjoyable, well directed, shot, and the performances are top notch. Maika Monroe (always underrated to me even since her star turning performance in It Follows), Dane DeHaan (Chronicle, unfortunately Amazing Spider-Man 2 probably botched his career a bit), and Avan Jogia (Zombieland 2) star in what IMDB describes as: “An unassuming young rideshare driver (Monroe) is thrown into her worst nightmare when a mysterious Hollywood Hills passenger (DeHaan) enters her car.” The movie doesn’t waste any time getting into what is essentially a cat and mouse chase movie intertwined with a strong message about how our online presence make us very vulnerable. (this, The Social Network, and The Social Dilemma would make for a very interesting triple feature). Veena Sud wrote and directed all of these “webisodes” and when seeing a small preview for this I recognized her name immediately because she was the show runner on a great show that lasted several of seasons on AMC before being uncanceled twice and the last season being bought and aired on Netflix: The Killing. After that and this, I consider her already a great master of tone in dark realistic tales, because The Killing was depressing and somber as fuck, and The Stranger has a pitch perfect dreadful tension to it.

Somehow the tension never lets up and you gradually get to know about the characters back stories in realistic and unforced ways. The only complaint I have that keeps this movie/these “webisodes” from being perfect is that it has kind of the hammy, unrealistic, awkward ending. Even though some of it was set up near midway through, “they” probably shouldn’t have been brought back at the end even though it was brutal karma for one of the characters. That’s all I’ll say without getting into spoilers. The rest of it, is very solid. The film doesn’t hold any punches as no one in the cast is safe, there are some fantastic bait and switches, solid set ups with some solid pay offs, and the despair never lets up until it cuts to black on webisode 13. Maika Monroe is fantastic as the mouse and Dane DeHaan is masterful as the cat in this very tight and brisk chase. I’ve always liked both of them as actors and I wish that they’d get more projects that would showcase their talents and not have one smudge spot on their careers (Monroe’s is Independence Day 2). But the true star of this, again, is writer/director Veena Sud. I wish she’d get some big theatrical dark noir type project. She’s an incredible storyteller and filmmaker. The Stranger might be the only thing I watch with my six month free subscription to Quibi…and if it is…that’s not too shabby.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE PERSONAL HISTORY OF DAVID COPPERFIELD

Sweet Dickens, I did not like THE PERSONAL HISTORY OF DAVID COPPERFIELD. And I don’t know why. Oh wait…yes I do. I’m tired of Charles Dickens adaptations. I’ve seen them all and no matter how many times you do a twist on this or….God forbid…A Christmas Carol..which has been done twice as many times…it still comes out too similar to the other adaptations. Too many copies with only slight twists that doesn’t justify their existence. IMDB called this version “A modern take on Charles Dickens’s classic tale of a young orphan who is able to triumph over many obstacles.” The only thing that is modern about this one is that David isn’t white and some of the other characters aren’t white as well. It doesn’t take place in modern day. If they would’ve done both…that might’ve been interesting to see, something way different than what we’ve gotten before. Instead, it’s just Dev Patel as the title character and while is performance is extraordinary great (I’ve been a big fan of his ever since Slumdog Millionaire), the rest is still the same, albeit with more frantic energy to try and not put its audience to sleep. Well, I still almost fell asleep about 4 times (and I had a two hour nap earlier in the afternoon) and while writer/director Armando Iannucci does his best to put a little more pep in the movies’ step by adding some finely timed British humor (and some not finely timed), the film literally added nothing new to get me invested in a story which I’ve read before twice, and I’ve seen in countless other adaptations.

If you’ve never read Charles Dickens’ classic novel and have never seen an adaptation of David Copperfield, I suggest just reading the book and skip all other adaptations. The book is quite something. The movie adaptations, for me, fail to bring any emotional context from Dickens’ words from the page to the screen. While this was a more comedic version of the tale, I merely laughed only once at the very beginning of the film, and didn’t do so until the end credits, as it was more of a relief laugh that the 2 hours was over and I could go home. The reason I saw this in a theater is because I’ve seen everything else already because of this fucking stupid pandemic and it was the only thing left that I hadn’t. I love going to the theater, fuck all of you that are too scared too, unless you know someone that is immune compromised or you yourself are immune compromised. That’s the only two ways I’ll give you mercy if you ever reveal to me that you didn’t go to the theater until there was a vaccine. Otherwise, fuck you. Yeah I said it. I’m going off into a side rant because I really don’t want to talk about this movie anymore, it was THAT boring. And writer/director Armando Iannucci is known for creating and being the show runner on VEEP for most of its run. VEEP is a comedic masterpiece. He left before the last or last two seasons and made The Death of Stalin movie (which I haven’t seen but after this don’t want to), this, and the first season of Avenue 5…which was only okay.

I don’t think he can ever top Veep. Maybe he should’ve stuck with it until the end? It’s like lightening in a bottle for him, which I feel sad if it ends up being so. Everybody does a great job acting in this for sure, but there are some ill timed British humor moments that didn’t work for me (especially when Copperfield gets some bad news about his mother) and the film tries to speed through Copperfield’s life when it needed its time to breathe to be a completely faithful adaptation. This film could be nominated for three Oscar’s and I wouldn’t blink an eye and wouldn’t protest it. It could be nominated for Costumes (duh)…a Lead Acting nomination for Patel (only maybe though, depends what comes out the rest of the year)…but most deserved would be a nomination for Best Production Design. Some of the shots in this movie are absolutely gorgeous with its attention to detail with buildings around the characters and the many sets of the interior in places. Very intricate and well done, and that’s the only high praise you’ll hear out of me regarding this movie other than Patel’s solid acting. The rest was just the same slog I’ve seen before, only that this time the movie actually almost put me to sleep, which I haven’t been almost put to sleep in a theater in quite some time. This is definitely not one of the worst pictures of the year though, far from it. This movie was made with care and you can tell there was no slacking in production. It’s just that I didn’t care for it, plain and simple. David Copperfield’s personal history has been shown too many times, and doesn’t need to do so ever again. If one needs a reminder, don’t be lazy, and just pick up a fucking book.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: INFIDEL

INFIDEL is…okay…I guess? With the production value, ho hum direction, some awkward moments and an out of place action climax, it seems like it should’ve been a mediocre HBO or Showtime Original movie. But I’m guessing it is getting released in theaters because there is absolutely no competition right now and it thinks it can maybe make more money that way? I don’t know. In better hands, this could’ve been an amazing film. It could’ve been an audacious, riveting and soulful religious thriller. Instead it focuses way too much on its ideological agenda where the tension is completely void in the scenes where it is supposed to be. The film has great acting and it has some great quiet moments that are much better than the loud ones to be sure, but it just feels like a weird mixture of tones that didn’t quite work for me, but would work for a lot of other people that are not necessarily that into motion pictures. If that makes any sense to you. Per IMDB, Infidel is described as such: “An American man, played by Jim Caviezel, is kidnapped after a friend invites him to Cairo to speak out about recent militant uprisings. His wife heads to the city after hearing the news, determined to get him back.” What is so frustrating is that near the beginning of the film, Infidel has a much more interesting story inside of it, that is resolved much later in the movie with a few lines of exchanged dialogue. You’ll know what I mean when you see it. Also, the film kind of irked me at the very, very beginning by showing a scene that takes place later in the narrative, but then rewinds and shows what happened leading up to it. If you are one of my constant readers, you know that is a cardinal sin in motion pictures for me.

The main problem for me is that the film really doesn’t have much tension. I never felt like Jim Caviezel was really in that much danger or torture. The movie is rated R yet feels like a tamed PG-13 direct to video forgettable piece of cinema. The film has a very, very out of place action sequence climax that is edited really awkwardly which makes the pacing a bit slow when it should be frantic and insane. It’s hard to explain, it just felt like the climax should’ve been more covert and subtle. The acting and the story itself is the only thing that really holds the film together from being a complete disaster. Jim Caviezel is excellent as always and the woman that plays his wife, Claudia Karvan, is quite good as well. And the story of a journalist being kidnapped and tortured for his beliefs will always make for an interesting string of events on the big screen. But it just needed a better writer and director. Cyrus Nowrasteh, whose work I’m not familiar with, who looks like he is trying, I just think he’s out of his element directly behind the camera. He should just stick to writing and even then maybe collaborate with someone that could spruce up some of the more awkward sequences. And an action director he is definitely not. Or a director that knows how to film and edit tension. That’s what a film like this needs as its main ingredient and unfortunately I don’t think there was even a teaspoons worth to write home about. The most interesting thing is that this movie was filmed before coronavirus yet mentions it in here, saying some prisoners that Caviezel is around has it…suspiciously though it sounds like ADR, as that line of dialogue you don’t see a single mouth move with it. This film feels so awkward, I wouldn’t be surprised if that is the case.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ANTEBELLUM

I feel a little bad for ANTEBELLUM because when it comes to movies playing on the big screen, or mostly at home if the year is 2020, doesn’t really matter when, it is extremely hard for a film to keep its secrets. Especially if the marketing doesn’t do it any favors. But on the other hand, I don’t know how they could’ve marketed this film. The film literally has two faces. If they would’ve only shown footage from one side of the coin, it would been written off as a 12 Years A Slave rip off. If they would’ve only shown footage from the other side of the coin, when the movie started, audiences members would’ve been really, really confused that the theater was playing the wrong film. And because of the coin, it’s going to be really hard to review this movie without giving anything away, but I’m going to try. Let me just say this, if you’ve seen the trailer with Janelle Monae, you can probably guess from the very beginning where the film is going, because the trailer shows footage from both different aspects of the movie. You know what this would’ve been great as? A novel. Holy shit, if this would’ve been a 500-600 page novel by Stephen King, it could’ve been a fucking masterpiece piece of literature. As a movie though? Well, the more I think about the movie, the more I’m beginning to…how would I say this without recommending it? Okay, got it, the more I think about Antebellum, the more I appreciate what it was trying to do. Except the execution of the really neat idea, the hell of a great premise, is almost completely botched. When the movie hits the 40 minute mark it lags and then it seems like it just coasts through the climax, without any type of scares whatsoever. Yes, this is being marketed as a horror movie, and it really isn’t.

Well it is, in a way. It will always be horrible to see white slave owners in the civil war days brutalize, rape, and treat African Americans like absolute shit. But to call this a horror movie, is like calling 12 Years A Slave a horror movie, and THAT film definitely isn’t. There are no jump scares here, so I’m guessing the real horror aspect to put Antebellum in this film category is when the movie fully reveals its hand. Like the thought of what is really going on is the true horror. And that I can agree with, I guess. Anyway, let’s look at IMDB’s description of Antebellum…whoa…yikes…never mind it basically gives away the whole farm. Uh…let’s see, I guess I’ll do it myself! Eden, played by Janelle Monáe, is an enslaved woman on what is a southern plantation and is brought back on horseback after attempting to escape at the beginning of the film. There, that’s it, that’s all I’m going to tell you. Anymore and I’ll ruin it. If you go and search for some real critic reviews of this film, they aren’t very kind (and some are really spoiler heavy). Some critics are calling it the worst film of the year, saying that it “exploits black trauma, says nothing about the obliterating function of whiteness and anti-Black racism which makes its approach to horror and social commentary become deadened.” Yeah, I can definitely see why people would think that. But I don’t know if I necessarily agree. If this movie was made completely by a white guy, I would 100% agree. But the movie is written and directed by a white and black dude duo…so I don’t think their intentions were for people to feel that way about this movie.

The problem with this movie for me was on a film making level. There are films that have had these kind of 180 completely changing the narrative twists before, and they have been executed much better. I realize that they wanted the story to take its time, and its fine, but about 40 minutes into the movie, when we get into a different narrative for a bit, it takes its time a little too much, and then rushes the climax. The climax should’ve been more fleshed out and maybe the longest part of this concrete three act structure. The movie is and hour and 45 minutes long. The first 40 minutes is a slave plantation awful treatment of black people movie. The next 40 minutes is something else, and then the climax is only 20 minutes with 5 minutes of credits. The climax should’ve been 40 minutes as well and I think the film would’ve been tighter. The movie is filmed extremely well by both writers and directors Gerard Bush and Christopher Renz. The cinematography in this is sometimes too gorgeous for its own good. It has some horror shots and elements in this that clash with the tone. It’s the script that needed more work, and only in bulking up the narrative, story, and climax. And possibly one or two of the characters. The villains, especially the one played by Jena Malone, normally a fantastic actress, are too cartoon-y and too over the top. Here the script did her no favors. The standouts from this film are of course Janelle Monae, followed by Gabourney Sidibe, and Kiersey Clemons. Sidibe seems like she’s having fun and chewing up the scenery in her two extended scenes, and Clemons small performance will break your heart.

Monae is the powerhouse in this movie and just proves she needs more projects to lead in hopefully better films than this and Harriet. I’ll give you one small hint about the ending. If this shit was done in real life, there would be no turning back in our country. If it was found out, there would be endless rioting in the streets, endless violence, and a ton people would be killed, and not just the guilty party. That’s all I’m going to say. So am I recommending this film? Eh, hard to say. I guess how you take it in. This is going to be a really hard watch for anyone. It’s a hard watch that makes you think long after the credits roll. But it’s so botched in how it tries to pull everything off, its like eating a cheeseburger without the meat. A dry cheese sandwich. So no, I’m not recommending it. But it certainly is not one of the worst films of the year by any means. Have these critics not seen Bella Thorne in Infamous or Ludacris in John Henry? How they even put this movie in the ranks of those I don’t think I could ever understand. And I don’t think this movie will be that divisive either. I think everybody is going to agree that they had a hard time watching it and that they can see what the filmmakers were going for but it just didn’t work for them. I think Gerard Bush said he got the idea of this movie in a whacked out dream of his. Good God that must’ve been horrifying to experience. But maybe it should’ve stayed as a dream…or had struck a deal with a novel writer like King.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: AVA

Huh, what? Looking up AVA online, you’ll notice that this movie has some big name stars in it, such as Jessica Chastain, John Malkovich, Geena Davis, Common, and Colin Farrell in it. So why haven’t you heard of it? Because as of right now, until September 25th, it is a Direct TV PVOD Exclusive rental for $12.00 (that I thankfully didn’t pay for either as well as Mulan). And then I think it hits limited theaters and other streaming platforms for rent at the date I listed above. Why such a narrow promotion? Why is it exclusive to just this platform right now? Because the movie SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Oh boy is it bad.

Ava is a film that screams pay check and producer’s credit, as there is no fucking way that any of these actors and actresses accepted the role based off of reading the script. It doesn’t seem like there was a script as the story, plot and characters are riddled with cliches and are so paper thin. Per IMDB, it describes Ava as such: “Ava is a deadly assassin who works for a black ops organization, traveling the globe specializing in high profile hits. When a job goes dangerously wrong she is forced to fight for her own survival.” You might be asking, does the job that goes dangerously wrong, go wrong on purpose? Spoiler alert: Does a bear shit in the woods? Colin Farrell’s character is a high ranking leader in the same assassin organization that Ava and John Malkovich work for, Malkovich being slightly higher on that ranking list and why Farrell arranges the job to go wrong on purpose and him wanting Ava dead is the stupidest fucking reason I have ever heard of: simply because she talks to her victims before they are killed. Even though she never gives away any pertinent information, she just talks them basically asking if they know why people are paying her to kill them. It’s so so so fucking dumb, especially when she is a fucking lethal machine and is fantastic at her job. And that’s all the movie is, a job going wrong, assassination revenge plot story we’ve seen a billion times before.

But wait, there’s more bullshit side b and c plots of Ava still having family members that are alive: her sister, who is dating Ava’s ex (**eye roll**), and then her mother, played by Geena Davis, in the hospital because of a heart attack and eventually revealing to Ava that she knows that a certain incident that happened in an earlier time in their lives wasn’t their fault (**facepalm**). Oh and Ava has to take care of an $80K gambling debt her ex has (**slams head on table**). And all of it is resolved the way you think it would tacked on with a dumb ending scene that hints at a sequel that will never see the light of day. Take all of that horseshit, and combine it with lazy and terrible direction, awful smoke and gunfire CGI in some scenes, and awful, awful fucking sound effects. You know how assassins know some different forms of martial arts? Well they do that here, but the effects department must’ve had no budget at all, as it is the same loud and overly obnoxious “whoosing” sound effect used on every leg sweep, two-handed throw, and arm jab. I laughed it happened so often. Jessica Chastain is the only one that acts like they want to be there, as her performance is the only thing that is watchable in this. And I suspect she is the only one acting accordingly because she has a producer’s credit to her name on this one. The action isn’t, the story certainly isn’t, and the editing and pacing are sluggish even with a short 96 minute run time.

Colin Ferrell you can tell had the filmmakers cater to his wishes, as most of his role is inside and outside a cabin by the lake, probably one of his real life vacation spots. “Alright, I’ll do this other interior scene and another outside scene as long as they are filmed near by, and I can shoot most of my stuff around my cabin.” That other interior scene was obviously a set on a studio, as if you look out the windows of the hotel he is fighting with Jessica Chastain in, the background outside the window looks like a fast and last minute digital photography job, hastily edited so the background looks jarringly fake as they are moving about the room at different angles. And to make matters more head scratching, this movie is directed by Tate Taylor, who directed the great films The Help and Get On Up, but then also directed only okay ones such as The Girl On The Train adaptation and Ma. Ava is easily his most lazy and worst film. Like the bar is so low he’d have to resort to doing student films if he wanted to make a film worse than this one. Hell, some student films I’ve seen are better than this. So, if you just want to see Jessica Chastain looking gorgeous, acting bad ass, and a couple of scenes she’s either in a red dress or white tank top that reveals some amazing cleavage, that’s the only way I’ll recommend Ava to you. For the rest of you, I highly recommend that you skip this at all possible costs. All. Possible. Costs.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE SOCIAL DILEMMA (Netflix)

Believe it or not, some people have been clamoring for a sequel to The Social Network for years. There have been rumblings of a direct sequel for about a decade now and also talks of film ‘spiritual’ successors based on the creations of Snapchat, Google, Instagram, Twitter, and even Pinterest. Alas, we still don’t have a true companion piece to the masterful David Fincher film, probably due to the fact that the creation of all those other social media accounts I listed probably don’t have as interesting as an origin as Facebook did. Until now. And while THE SOCIAL DILEMMA is a documentary first and foremost, combined with about 10 to 15 minutes of stupid and hammy fictitious drama footage, the cause and effect correlation between The Social Network and this film is extraordinarily impactful. Those of you on the edge of going off the grid and deleting all of your social media accounts but were looking for a real good reason to do so, watch this film immediately. All others, like myself, while it might not get you deleting all of you presence, you might consider changing the way you behave on all your platforms, so you don’t succumb to the depression and anxiety a lot of people experience on the internet today. Per IMDB, it describes this film as such: “In a new documentary-drama hybrid, The Social Dilemma exxplores the dangerous human impact of social networking, with tech experts sounding the alarm on their own creations.” To answer your first question, no, Mark Zuckerberg isn’t one of the people interviewed and sounding the alarm…but definitely expect him to show up and be talked about at some point during the movie.

This documentary would’ve been a masterpiece if it weren’t for the stupid, god awful, hammy drama portion of the hybrid. The drama portion of the film stars The Binge’s, Vacation, and Santa Clarita Diet’s Skylar Gisondo and his fictitious family navigating the impact of social media in their lives. The mom realizes what it is doing to her family, and when she tries to take phones away or make deals with her children to keep off their phones, one of Skylar’s sister’s does something to get her phone back that I don’t think even the nastiest young kid would do in front of their family. While Skylar’s part in this is a little bit more realistic than that of his sister, the ending of his story and obsession is so god awful you will want to ask the filmmakers why they even put those parts in it in the first place. The drama portion also stars Mad Men’s Vincent Kartheiser as a “social media data researcher and manipulator.” It’s stupid too, and if you are confused what I mean by that, you’ll know it when you see it. We didn’t need dramatic fictitious reenacments played out, just the facts. You are going to want to fast forward through them just so we can get back to listening to these real social media creators explain how they should’ve seen this dystopia coming from a long way away while they were trying to create a utopia of digital connections. The documentary portion of this is perfect, not only does it state the facts, and prove beyond a reasonable doubt what it is doing to our society, but it gives you a shit ton of solutions of how we can get out of it. And yes, it even talks about both sides of the “fake news” debate coin. We should’ve gotten 15 to 20 minutes more of that and cut out the dramatic fat. I won’t talk about the movie anymore, as you should just seek it out and find it on Netflix and watch it when you can, as it is required viewing…except for what I already recommended that you fast forward through. Doing that won’t cause any kind of dilemma.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE DEVIL ALL THE TIME (Netflix)

“Some people are just born to be buried.”

That quote is one of the best lines of dialogue from a movie I’ve heard in long, long time. And thankfully, it is coming from one of 2020 very best films for me, #4 under Tenet, Palm Springs, and Onward. THE DEVIL ALL THE TIME is a tour de force of a motion picture. It’s a very dark and depressing film with interconnected characters and stories that will remind you of other great ones that are similar (in a way) such as A Place Beyond The Pines, Sleepers, and Pulp Fiction. It’s a slow burn disturbing thriller that doesn’t really feel like a slow burn, even at 2 hours and 18 minutes long. The film is also filled with fantastic performances from an A list cast including: Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson, Sebastian Stan, Eliza Scanlan, Riley Keough, Haley Bennett, Bill Skarsgard, Mia Wasikowska, and Jason Clarke. The standouts from this list are easily Holland and Pattinson, with the latter maybe just possibly getting his first Oscar nomination for his creepy as fuck demented preacher role (Although Holland is great too, and him and Pattinson share the best scene in the film together). The only complaint I can think of with this movie is that one of the characters escapes death multiple times rather fluidly in a matter of minutes. But I was holding my breath in anticipation, dread, and tension with those minutes, so why am I really complaining? Could you say that The Devil All The Time might be my favorite Netflix original film of ALL time? Right now, abso-fucking-lutely. Everything about it is great: the camera work, the tone, the tension, the dialogue, the acting, the direction, the acting, the interconnected stories that keep you engaged, the acting, the tension, the interconnected stories, the tone, the dialogue, and the acting. I want to watch it again immediately to study it more. I literally can’t believe how good it was.

You know how sometimes films have narration from a famous actor or actress and that person is usually a character in said movie? Not here. This movie has the balls to cast the author himself (I forgot to mention this is based off a novel I haven’t read but now want to) to narrate parts of this film, just a bystander telling the audience of the inner thoughts of some of the characters during certain scenes, and it completely works. It was a wonderful breath of fresh air not to just hear Tom Holland or someone else from the cast narrate the entire thing. Oh shit…right…what’s it about you might be asking? Per IMDB: “Sinister characters converge around a young man devoted to protecting those he loves in a postwar backwoods town teeming with corruption and brutality.” That is literally the perfect summary without giving anything away. And when I say the film takes its beautiful time, it really does, as Tom Holland, who is billed first and the lead in this movie, doesn’t show up for possibly about 45-50 minutes in. It gives you ample detail of the history of his character and other characters around him that he may or may not cross paths with later. The film also manages to still be engaging even though some would argue that Holland is the only likable character in this movie (I disagree, Mia Wasikowska and Eliza Scanlan were likable to me). The movie balances the unlikable characters’ darkness and despair with incredible acting from all those that don’t make their roles at all sympathetic. Especially Pattinson. If you are still on the hate train because of the Twilight movies, this movie WILL change your mind on him if you haven’t seen Tenet or Good Time. I guarantee you that. And if not, you need to stop watching movies altogether.

This film has multiple wonderful set ups that in turn are earned with multiple incredible pay offs. The movie plots the characters actions so closely that when they do happen to meet up at one time or another, it seems more like fate than it does just a coincidence. I am not familiar at all with writer/director Antonio Campos’ work, but needless to say, I’ll be on the lookout for future projects from him whenever they do happen to cross my path. Knowing the average movie goer, 75% chance that it is you, you have probably looked at my review and then looked at Rotten Tomatoes to see what other critics have thought. You might see it’s 66% right now. I beg you to look at the audience score instead, which is 93% as of this writing. If you took your time to read some of the critic reviews, some of them have the fucking gall to complain that there is no humor in the movie. GOOD GOD PEOPLE, NOT EVERY DARK AND DEPRESSING FILM IS GOING TO HAVE HUMOR. In fact, it would be completely out of place in a tale like this one. These are the same critics that complained there was no humor in Tenet, even though there was, so they are either blind and deaf, or they are literally are that stupid. I cannot recommend The Devil All The Time any more than I already have to you. It is entirely engaging the entire time, my attention was dead set on it when I was watching and it never wavered, I soaked up all of its greatness and then some. Other than that quote at the top of this review, I’m sure on multiple viewings that I’ll catch and memorize a few more. With people being lazy and privileged and cowardly at home and not going to theaters, spending all the time in the world with this devil of a direct to streaming film is the only one I’d recommend (and Palm Springs) to those afraid to step outside their homes.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MULAN (2020)

Any of you that actually paid $30 for this on Disney Plus’s Premier Access…especially when you could’ve waited three months to watch it for free…what were you smoking? And to those that did and actually enjoyed this movie…seriously, what were you smoking? Was it expensive? Were you eating Member Berries during it? You had to be, because MULAN (2020) is a disaster on almost every level of film making I can think of. Put aside the fact that the cartoon in the 90s is a cinematic classic and is still likely to make you feel good to this day. Put aside the classic songs from it. Put aside all the controversies of the making of this live action remake, from some of the controversial locations it was filmed at, to the unauthentic filmmakers behind the camera (pssst, they’re white!), to the lead actress supporting police brutality in Hong Kong. Put ALL that aside. Judge Mulan as if it were this brand new toy you can play with. No prior notions…and it still fails on almost every level of film making I can think of. I couldn’t relate to the character of Mulan because from the get go, as a small child, she has chi like strength and abilities, making her training scenes seem trite and unnecessary. The main villain male is hardly in the movie and what little he is in is a cookie cutter, plain Jane, cardboard cut out of a character. The film, even though it has an over $200-$300 million budget, looks cheap. It looks like most of the film was shot inside a studio, with props here and there, and terrible, terrible green screen everywhere that joins the Star Wars prequels in how out of place it looks to everything else. The female empowerment message is watered down and not earned, especially when it is basically resolved only half way through the film. I’ll get into more in a minute, but all of this is just the tip of the spear of how poorly made and executed this film is.

To quote a friend on Facebook, “remember Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon? Well this is like that but way worse.” To quote another friend on Facebook, “It’s Crouching Tiger Hidden Disney.” You can both say that again and again and again. Not only does Mulan rip off a lot of the flying martial arts from that movie throughout the entirety of this one, but it cheaply rips off a symbolic scene from the final season of Game of Thrones, a season that has been critically slammed by all as being lazy and pretentious (I’ll give you a hint at the scene: the wings but not a dragon). That’s how I would describe this film if only given two words: lazy and pretentious. I promised myself that I would try my best to not compare this to the animated version, but to prove a giant point, I’ve got to. In the cartoon, Mulan EARNS her female empowerment arc. She trains, and she trains hard, to become the great warrior she was destined to be. In this live action remake, she’s basically Rey from Star Wars: The Force Awakens. People complained that Rey was too strong in the force without any training and at such an older age. Well here, Mulan mastered the forc…errr I mean these flying chi martial arts abilities with absolutely no training. There is a beginning scene where she masters a fall as a young child that literally was so bad I laughed out loud hard. Hence, all this proves is that SHE HAS NO ARC IN THIS MOVIE. The female empowerment message that is as bright as day and so good in the classic animated film is lost here and nowhere to be found. Her training scenes here are a joke as she masters everything like a walk in the park. She’s like Anakin Skywalker too, already the chosen one without really having to do shit to prove herself. She leaps through mid air twice in this movie to effortlessly kick a giant spear and a small arrow into an enemy’s chest (I laughed inappropriately both times). And both times does it look goofy, unrealistic, and dumb.

Was Jet Li, who plays the Emperor, dubbed over in this film? From what I’ve researched he wasn’t but his words never quite matched his lips and he looked like he really didn’t want to be there. I think he accepted the role as a wish from his daughter, but isn’t he sick and has since removed himself from private life? Doing research he has hyperthyroidism, which causes fatigue and weight loss. He should’ve stayed home. All of the backgrounds in this movie, except for when characters are inside buildings, look awfully fake. Everything looks as if it was surrounded by green screen…are you meaning to tell me that they couldn’t have just shot at real locations? If the reason why they tried but couldn’t because the filmmakers were predominately white, including the writers and director Niki Caro, I wouldn’t be too surprised. This whole film watered down and feels unauthentic. You are meaning to tell me that Disney couldn’t have hired Chinese filmmakers that knew a lot about their history, lore and culture to film and show us something really special? I’m not saying do the whole thing with subtitles or something like that, but surely there were more talented filmmakers out there that could’ve done a better job than Niki Caro (she has arguably only directed one decent film, Whale Rider) and company did? I’m surprised the Chinese government hasn’t out right banned this film from screening in their country it feels so fake. Fuck they should’ve just got Ang Lee to write and direct this (he actually did direct Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, his best film) and even with his rocky track record of late, he could’ve done a much, much better job and had it be more realistic and emotional than this.

Not one emotion here is earned. When she sheds her boy image, only about halfway through the film, while riding her horse through computer animated back drops, I didn’t feel a fucking thing. her “romance” with one of the male warriors is rushed and barely there. There is a avalanche action sequence that is blurry, a CGI mess, and laughably bad. The acting is downright atrocious except for Tzi Ma, who plays Mulan’s father, as he seems like he’s the only one that wants to be there. The film is edited poorly and some of it looks like it was filmed for a class in college. It is just a poorly made film. If anybody that would try to argue with me on why it is a good film, I would argue that clearly 2020 isn’t making you think clearly, as you are eating tons and tons of Member Berries without even thinking of doing so. If you enjoyed this film, you are blind. The best thing about this film was the end credits with Christina Aguilera’s rendition of Reflection, which was not half bad. Go back and watch the animated version and then watch this one again and still tell me this was a well made film in its own right. I will literally laugh in your face. Did you automatically like it because you got lazy, privileged, and selfish during quarantine and would bow down to Disney just because they gave you something to watch at home and not “risk” going to a theater and getting coronavirus? You paid $30 dollars for this garbage for goodness sake (I didn’t, thankfully). Some of you sound like you will like anything, no matter how poorly made it is, if you get it at home and don’t have to leave your houses. You know what that is called? It’s called having a lazy, bias, and skewed film critique. I can see small children not knowing any better, but the adults that are loving this film should be. Those of you who recommend this version of Mulan, I hope that by the end of 2020, or by the end of this pandemic, when the dust settles, maybe you can re-watch this without nostalgia goggles, and change your poor critique reflection. You need to look past the glitz and glamour, be true to your heart, and not have Disney make a turd out of you.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: RENT-A-PAL

RENT-A-PAL is a new straight to streaming movie that most of you haven’t heard of and that most of you will probably never watch. This is a movie whose log line premise summary on IMDB I just need to get out of the way in order to explain my feelings on it in general: “Set in 1990, a lonely bachelor named David (Brian Landis Folkins) searches for an escape from the day-to-day drudgery of caring for his aging mother (Kathleen Brady). While seeking a partner through a video dating service, he discovers a strange VHS tape called Rent-A-Pal. Hosted by the charming and charismatic Andy (Wil Wheaton), the tape offers him much-needed company, compassion, and friendship. But, Andy’s friendship comes at a cost, and David desperately struggles to afford the price of admission.” It’s a neat premise, which unfortunately itself ends up coming at a cost with a 3rd act so predictable and by the book, it weakens the very strong first two thirds of the movie. Plus, there seemed to be some set ups that didn’t have any pay offs, I’ll list an example later in the review. The only recognizable face in this for you is going to be Wil Wheaton, who you might know from Star Trek The Next Generation or playing himself many times on The Big Bang Theory. He is the main reason I’m recommending this slightly as a one time watch. His performance is completely reliant on how he sales his VHS ‘pal’ character and he pulls off the subtle creepy vibe magnificently. Brian Landis Folkins, who plays David, also does a great job, but unfortunately the cliched actions of his character almost ruin the film at the end. It was just so unpredictable until those final moments, and if you watch this, you’ll know the exact moment it went off the rails for me.

The real question the movie asks of its viewer is: “is this VHS tape somehow supernatural and really talking to David, or are the awkward parts of the video all in David’s head as he is slowly losing his mind?” Again, I liked the subtlety of how that answer is eventually revealed, but in some instances, it didn’t go as far as I would’ve liked it to. Without giving away any spoilers, and as an example of a set up that this movie didn’t pay off, when David first starts watching the tape, Wil Wheaton’s Andy character keeps getting interrupted by a ringing phone next to the seat that he’s in, a seat he doesn’t really get up from all that much in the entire video. He picks up the phone two to three times and then puts it back down and apologizes to the viewer for the interruptions. Yeah, that never comes back up. No explanation, even when the movie answers the real question it asks. Unless I missed something. There were several unpredictable ways I thought of, other paths the movie could’ve taken with different endings, that I felt would’ve left its target audience feel that everything that came before was earned, more so than the predictable horror/slasher moments that we do end up getting. Before you argue with me, I do realize that this isn’t my movie. I didn’t not write, film, or act in it, so I realize this is newcomer writer/director Jon Stevenson’s vision. And he has a solid vision to be sure, I’m just telling you that I was a little let down by events that transpired in the last 15-20 minutes of the movie. Just me though. You might think it’s the best thing since sliced bread so don’t go solely off my review of whether you want to check this out or not, as some critics have called it “one of the best of the year.” I just wanted different and more. Everyone has different takes on things and I can see why some people really, really, really like this movie. The film is well shot and well acted, its creepy vibe and tone is almost pitch perfect, and I do recommend this as a one time view, but I would not, could not, rent this again, knowing that my ‘pal’ would ultimately disappoint me again in the climax.