Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ARTEMIS FOWL (Disney+)

Wow… after this & Cats…Judi Dench really needs to fire her agent. Let’s make one thing absolutely clear before I start this review. I have not read one page of any of the ARTEMIS FOWL young adult series. So this review is going to be based solely on if it did or didn’t work for me as a film. Also, originally my wife was going to write a review and the title to it was already set to ‘Diane’s Delightful Movie Reviews’ until I just changed it. Unlike me, she has read all the Artemis Fowl books and when the end credits rolled, she told me just to write one of my reviews and just tell people what she thought. She didn’t want to write hers because, “It would take too long. My review would just list the ways that the book differs from the film, and it would be one long endless complaint.” Eh, I kind of lied just there. That was paraphrasing. What actually came out of her mouth was, “It was meh, I don’t want to write the review anymore.” And then she explained to me how they were different. Well, after watching the movie and after hearing all the differences between the two, I do actually want to go and read all the books, but that statement doesn’t bode well for the movie. While I didn’t hate it as much as critics or lovers of the novel did, it did not work for me as a film, to say the least. It really was just, “meh.” And that is ultimately disappointing, because there are some elements in the film that hint of a world full of magical and interesting possibilities. But that’s just what they are, hints. No execution of actual magic whatsoever.

Doing a tiny bit of research, this movie was supposed to come out theatrically last August, as it was filmed back in 2018. But then in May of 2019, it was delayed to May 29th, 2020, without any reasoning behind the move other than marketing for the film was not ready besides a very generic teaser poster. Then on April 3rd, 2020, the film was delayed yet again, because of…you guessed it, fucking COVID-19. It didn’t have a release date after that for a little bit, but then Disney announced that it was just going to dump the film on their streaming service Disney+ instead of just delaying it theatrically any further. Which wasn’t a good sign for the quality of the film at all. According to Vulture.com: “Disney moving the film straight to streaming was viewed as “”the death knell for Artemis as a film franchise”” by industry insiders, because “the platform’s subscription revenues are incapable of generating a return on investment that would justify the movie’s $125 million price tag.” Combine that with everything else sent to PVOD because of the pandemic, save for The Wretched and The King of Staten Island, have all been mediocre at best, I knew that when pressing the play button on the movie late yesterday evening, that I probably wasn’t going to like the film. I was correct, but the bar was set so low that I probably didn’t hate it as much as you book lovers think I probably should have. But don’t twist my words, the movie is not good.

Per IMDB.com and Rotten Tomatoes.com, the movie is “Based on the first two books in author Eoin Colfer wildly popular children’s fantasy series, Walt Disney Studios’ Artemis Fowl tells the story of adolescent criminal genius Artemis, who captures a vicious fairy, and attempts to harness her magical powers in a bid to rescue his family.” See how even that description is kind of vague? That is how thin the plot is. Most of the movie, I didn’t know what the fuck what going on until I paused it a couple of times and my wife Diane explained it to me. After the explanation, it was still a very thin plot to me, the description above is a little deceiving, with only hints of giant world building that the movie neglects to expand upon. Add to all that an extra helping of no character development and awful acting by the title character who played Artemis and…Judi Dench. The plot is, in a ho-hum nutshell, finding a MacGuffin Fairy Skeleton Key to find Artemis Fowl’s kidnapped father, played by Colin Farrell, obviously there for just a paycheck. Was the overarching villain named Opal is way underdeveloped and hidden in shadows so they could’ve hired a more famous person to portray her in later movies? Not the best idea. Just because it worked in Harry Potter, doesn’t mean that it’s going to work here. The only character to have some kind of development, even being razor thin itself, is Mulch Diggums, played surprisingly not annoyingly by Josh Gad, who is the only actor in this that looks like they want to be there.

Judi Dench is awful in this. When she shows up on screen, her voice is gravelly and nasally, she looks bored and also like she doesn’t have a clue what was going on. Same with the audience. In fact, I probably didn’t place all the pieces together until about an hour into the film, and by then, with only a half hour left, the movie climaxes on just one action set piece that took place inside a house, that wasn’t interesting in the least. Half of it was swinging back and forth on a chandelier with quick cuts and a CGI Troll villain, whose design was so fake and embarrassing it made Steppenwolf from Justice League face palm himself. This whole world was underdeveloped. You cannot take a novel, even at a shorter 280 pages, and condense it into only a 95 minutes film. But the fact that it is supposed to be an adaptation of the first two novels is even more head scratching. What is also confusing is that the CGI and visuals, with the exception of the awful looking troll, are actually a little striking. I liked the look of the underground lair of the fairies and the look of most of the technology, especially the Time Freeze device. There is something magical here, its just really difficult to see what that is, unless I eventually pick up the novel. But after I read that, I have a feeling I’m going to truly despise this film. And for some reason, I don’t blame Kenneth Branaugh, who has directed some truly great looking pictures such as Marvel’s Thor and one of Disney’s few, great, live action remakes, Cinderella. He has an eye for the camera, and some of his shots are steady and gorgeous to look at. If he had a tighter script that was a faithful adaptation of the novel with more flair, world building, and character development…a film that actually took its time to introduce the viewer, especially non fans, to this fantastical environment, there could’ve been something Harry Potter level great here.

But alas, just like the two Percy Jackson movies, this fails on all levels. Both movies have the same faults of not adapting the material to the best of their abilities. And the studios and scripts are to blame. Artemis Fowl’s script, was co-written by a guy used to doing just stage plays and the other guy wrote…fucking Johnny English Reborn and fucking…Mr. Beans Holiday. Yeah, you need veterans in Hollywood that know their shit, in fact, Disney, why the fuck didn’t you just get Harry Potter’s Steve Kloves??? I’m sure he had time in his schedule to give you something solid. But instead, you get a hazy, blurry, jumbled mess of a world that was supposed to introduce fairies, trolls, & other mythical beings in a cool twist on the espionage adventure film. To me, just basing this film on its own merits, taking that it was a novel first out of the equation, everything we got was just a giant fucking misfire. Nothing was interesting, nothing was exciting, I didn’t understand most of it, everything was boring. Just a few little hints here and there of potential. Potential that was ignored to just put a mediocre product out on the market. How does this happen? Why wasn’t more care brought to this property? Just like author Rick Riordan came out and said that he hates the Percy Jackson films, I bet you author Eion Colfer eventually does the same thing. Maybe Disney will extend the chance they are giving to Riordan to come up with his own mini series, that adapts the source material faithfully and with more flair. I bet you that ends up happening if the Percy Jackson Disney+ series is a success both commercially and critically. But for right now, this film is what it is: an adaptation that will put casual movie goers and critics like me into a confused sleep, and one that will most likely put fans of the novels into a foul…foul mood.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND

So this is my first $19.99 Video On Demand rental! And to be real, on THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND, it was totally worth it! Not because a bunch of people are watching it and I’m getting paid back a little, but because it is more than a decent movie. Don’t worry, it’s not the ‘king’ of 2020 so far, that still goes to Onward, but its close. And I’ve heard people saying that if you don’t like Pete Davidson that you won’t like this movie. That’s not true at all. Pete Davidson doesn’t entirely play himself in this movie, on SNL you can tell he’s much more sarcastic, down to Earth, and much more depressing. Here, he has a character arc, and he pulls it off realistically. Granted, if you don’t like Pete Davidson’s face you might not like this movie, although they do make fun of it (won’t spoil the great line), but if its just his personality stopping you from watching this, get over it. The movie is more than just him. Especially if you are a fan of the comedian, the great, Bill Burr. The King of Staten Island isn’t Judd Apatow’s best movie, that still goes to Knocked Up and 40 Year Old Virgin, but it’s right under those, and it is his most mature. This movie is more of a drama with some funny bits thrown in than it is a complete straight stoner comedy. Also, while Apatow’s other movies are light, bright & look comedic, Apatow used a different cinematographer this time, and the tone felt more down to Earth and gritty. After this, Judd Apatow can consider himself this generations John Hughes, a great comedic director but now mastering the little dramatic parts of it all. In other words, this is his Breakfast Club.

Per IMDB, The King of Staten Island is about a 24 year old named “Scott and he has been a case of arrested development since his firefighter dad died. He spends his days smoking weed and dreaming of being a tattoo artist until events force him to grapple with his grief and take his first steps forward in life.” And while the film might be too long at 2 hrs and 15 minutes (most Judd Apatow films are because he just can’t bring himself to make a deleted scene a deleted scene) and while I could’ve maybe chopped enough to make it an even 2 hrs, I didn’t really feel it. Most of the scenes were necessary for Scott’s arc. And I loved that they kept the whole story down to Earth. I wonder if at any point in writing the film that they put him getting into some kind of big nightly/weekly improv show gig (SNL). I’m glad they didn’t. It felt more realistic and it probably wouldn’t have fit so well with the rest of the story. That aspect of his real life would’ve been too fantastical and the character might have come out of it not learning anything and not expecting any consequences since life is handing him opportunities on a platter. I’m also thankful for not having an Ariana Grande like character in it as well. Instead, his love interest in the film, played by Bel Powley, actually already has life ambitions, loves her city and wants to make it better, even though her Brooklyn accent is like nails on a chalkboard (but I feel like it was supposed to be for laughs for the character). Marisa Tomei is also in it as his mom, and even though she just recently came out saying that she regrets playing all these mom characters because she doesn’t want to get typecast, she is good in this, even though she only has a small handful of scenes.

The real MVP, other than Davidson not quite being his 100% self, is comedian Bill Burr. He steals every scene he is in and I didn’t see him as ‘Bill Burr’ in this. It was quite the transformation. If you don’t like Davidson, and you love him, I would take the plunge and watch this anyway just for him alone. He’s that good. With the film being so long, and the plot a little thin, other than being another coming of age and maturing tale, it might take you a bit to see what the overarching film is about. But once it finally clicks, about half way in, you can see how the movie is narrative wise perfectly structured, even at its massive length. And the second half of the movie is much much better than the first half. So if you start it and it feels a little slow, don’t worry, it picks up not even a 1/4th of the way in. All in all, I just really enjoyed it. I enjoy most of Judd Apatow’s films though, with the exception of Funny People. That movie didn’t get the drama and comedy tone right and kind of made Seth Rogen’s character just a “background character” halfway through that film. That was that movie’s biggest flaw. If this movie has a flaw, it’s just its length and not much else. The film looks more gritty, mature, and life like than Judd Apatow’s previous comedic efforts. This all just points to one thing: Pete Davidson is this generation’s Adam Sandler. Davidson is great in roles that are tailor made for him (but his range is still quite small), but I pray to God that he doesn’t sign a deal with Netflix and starts to do really stupid shit. But his next film is The Suicide Squad with James Gunn, so I have a feeling that he knows how to avoid that fork in the road and not become the ‘king’ of Netflix Comedic Trash.

My ranking of Judd Apatow (director) movies:

Knocked Up
The 40 Year Old Virgin
The King of Staten Island
Trainwreck
This Is 40
Funny People

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DA 5 BLOODS (Netflix)

If there is one certainty that DA 5 BLOODS proves, released today on Netflix, is that Blackkklansman wasn’t just a one hit minor resurgence in writer/director Spike Lee’s career. It is now a confirmed solid resurgence. I’ve seen a majority of Spike Lee movies, and as unfortunate as it is to say this, he is more miss than hit. This movie though, now ranks among his best, which includes Blackkklansman, Malcolm X, 25th Hour, Inside Man, and of course his masterpiece, Do The Right Thing. While the releases of Netflix’s The Last Days of American Crime and the final season of 13 Reasons Why couldn’t be more ill timed because of the police brutality and racism protests, Da 5 Bloods couldn’t be more perfectly timed. It has something to say throughout the whole film while also being an emotional action-heavy drama little adventure thriller. While the film has some heavy handed (but pretty spot on) things to say about Trump and racism in general, and also shows how masterful the Black Lives Matter movement is, it managed to not constantly ask you “do you get it?”. Yes, there may be a little too much real footage of black & war in general history at the beginning and ends of the film (it doubles down on what Blackkklansman had), but ultimately it is necessary set up that compliments and strengthens the character piece at the heart of the story. The movie is also very long, at 2 hrs and 35 minutes, but unlike The Last Days Of American Crime, that length is earned, never felt, and the film never lags, no filler. This film is sure to come back into the minds of audiences come award season, whether that definitely happens this year/early next year remains to be seen, but whenever it does, it will be nominated for a handful of Oscars, all deserved.

Per IMDB.com, Da 5 Bloods is about “four African-American vets who battle the forces of man and nature when they return to Vietnam seeking the remains of their fallen Squad Leader and the gold fortune he helped them hide.” The film has a little of everything in it; action, drama, the horrors of war, a little adventure thrown in there, some blaxploitation cinema that Spike Lee is known for. It’s a solidly made film, and it is a bit surprising that it works so well narrative wise because this film has four screenwriters (usually anymore than 2 is a bit worrisome). I was a little worried when the film started to have the same beats that Triple Frontier had, Netflix’s film released last year about U.S. Delta Force soldiers doing a heist of riches in South America. But my fears were completely wiped out, as it quickly goes in another direction, with some twists I saw coming, but mostly others that caught me a bit by surprise. Spike Lee isn’t known for being an action director, especially when his most action packed film is unfortunately considered the remake of Oldboy, which Spike Lee just copied shot for shot (he even disproved of that final product, opting to have the marketing read A Spike Lee Film other than his usual and creative A Spike Lee Joint). But here, the action is his own, focused, steady, no shaky cam, framing the camera just right so we don’t miss a second of it. Thankfully he doesn’t go all Michael Bay on us and the action is quick, doesn’t over stay its welcome, is realistic, and is quickly contained. But after watching this, if he wanted to ever do just a straight up action film, I would easily put it on my most anticipated list for whatever year it comes out.

The acting is all great here, with Chadwick Boseman, Black Panther, showing up in a very minor role (all in flashback) playing the soldier that was killed in ‘Nam and the other four trying to get his remains. But if there is an MVP in acting, one that will probably get a nomination come Oscar time, it is going to be the great Delroy Lindo. Delroy Lindo has played a bunch of supporting roles, I know him as early as playing the villain in Get Shorty, but here, he is the lead. His character has PTSD, which plays a central role in the narrative, and even though Lindo has been great even in the shittiest of film, here, Lindo fires on all cylinders. He has a couple of fantastic monologues and he steals every scene he is in. Spike Lee is the film’s overall MVP. His work behind the camera here is near perfect, as he uses different aspect ratios at the different points of time in the story to his advantage. He doesn’t even do de-aging (except for one two second photograph) of any of the actors. When flashbacks occur, its the actors at their current age, and it works so much better than if they had digitally altered them. If I had any complaints, is that yes, I was a bit overwhelmed like other critics are, at the length of real black history and other war moments footage in the film. Remember that footage of Charleston a couple of years ago, where a car ran over a bunch of protesters and killed one of them? Spike Lee used that to end Blackkklansman. Well, double down on that kind of footage here to drive the narrative’s multiple messages home. I did say above that ultimately they were necessary set ups to the narrative, but it was a little too much this time. Scale back just a little next time Mr. Lee. Save those for a documentary, you would probably knock it out of the park with one of those. Also, I didn’t like how the 4 men found the treasure and remains of their leader so fast. It felt like someone else could’ve found it wayyyyyyyy before then. That’s just minor nitpicking though. Overall, this is a very good film. Spike Lee deserves all the praise he is getting for it and I liked it as much as Blackkklansman if not a little more so. Here, he has crafted an emotional coming of late age drama with fantastic character pieces, action set pieces, and messages that are especially relevant to these times, heck, this very month.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: 13 REASONS WHY SEASON 4 – THE FINAL SEASON (Netflix)

Oh boy, here we go! A lot of you hate that I watch and review this show. 13 REASONS WHY in general, it’s a series that people love to hate. And I get why, but then again, I don’t. Some people say it glorifies suicide and violence, and I really don’t agree with that logic. But then, the people that say they hate the show because it makes them more depressed about life including graphic depictions of rape and bullying, that I can see their logic on. The show is quite depressing at times and the bullying does become a bit too much in some episodes. I considered the whole thing to be a entertaining binge-able cautionary tale…well…maybe until now. At points, during this final batch of episodes I wanted to jump on the hate train right along with ya’ll. SEASON 4, THE FINAL SEASON, is absolutely fucking abysmal at points, and I started this review not knowing if I would ultimately recommend it or not. There is a course correction almost half way through the season that gets it back on track but then when the giant movie length (98 minutes) series finale episode hits, it mildly becomes frustrating again. To pin point that frustration: one of the ending fates of one of the characters makes absolutely no fucking sense. Episode 1, 3, and 4 of the new season are so…so bad, that I’ve been told from certain people that they stopped watching and quit the series…so close to the end. I’ll ditch something mid series with no end in sight (like The Blacklist) if I have to, but if I’m only a handful of episodes away to the very, very end…to quit would seem like a wasted journey. There is no doubt in my mind that Season 1 of 13 Reasons Why will never be beat. It is near perfect in its storytelling and execution. Season 2 stretches out Hannah Baker’s story to the point where it sags all the way to the ground, and Clay seeing and talking to Hannah’s ‘ghost’ was kind of a buzzkill. That ghost bullshit almost almost got me to quit then. But then Season 3 got things back on track with a cool murder mystery and pacing that almost matched the first season. I don’t know where to put Season 4, the final one, as it’s easily a photo finish between this and the second one, but they are both so roller coaster bat shit on and off tone at times that I really can’t decide. Hopefully I can find the reasons why, to put them in a solid and concrete preferred order.

My reviews are usually long for this series, but that’s because I go into full on spoiler territory. For this final season, I’m not going to do that, instead I will just state in broad terms what worked and what didn’t work for me. Let’s get the shit out of the way, as since this will be my final say as the series as a whole, I’d rather end on something good than something where I just seem like an angry butt hurt fan. Season 1 dealt with Hannah Baker and why she ultimately decided to end her life. Season 2 dealt with the trail of Bryce Larkin, who is taken to court by Hannah’s parents as they and her friends had a confession and other evidence that he raped her. Season 3 was, “who killed Bryce Larkin?”. And Season 4 deals with all of our main characters dealing with the after math of Bryce’s murder and a frame job, graduating high school, moving on with life, and there is a mystery introduced in a flash forward at the very beginning of the first episode back, and that is: “who is in the coffin?” The answer to that mystery is emotionally sad, paced & acted to perfection, but logically it didn’t make much sense (especially when you think about the cause of death and modern medicine). But that one fate (the rest had pretty good endings) was not the worst part of this final round, oh no, that would be episodes 1, 3…and possibly the worst episode of the entire series, 4. I forgot to say the main character whose perspective we mainly follow throughout all 4 seasons is Clay Jensen played to top notch perfection by Dylan Minnette. He has been the one true voice of the show (except for sharing it with Hannah Baker in Season 1 and Ani in Season 3) and probably the most decent character out of the main group of friends that include Jessica, Justin, Alex, Zach, Tyler, Tony, and Ani. Now, remember in Season 2 when he was talking to Hannah’s ghost? Where it seemed like he was losing his fucking mind? The first half of the final season doubles down on that. You have Clay talking to both Bryce and Monty’s ghosts (both died last season) and then you even have some of the other characters, like Jessica, seeing shit as well. I get wanting the now dead actors to still come back and receive a paycheck but… it’s very odd and off putting.

It’s like they took the main tone of the series, which is supposed to be depressing teen angst, and tried to give it horror based elements, and it just didn’t work at all. When you think of 13 Reasons Why can you imagine thinking about Clay hallucinating that he’s seeing blood coming out of the school shower heads and being covered head to toe in red? No? Well then prepare yourself, because that is what happens at some point in the first handful of episodes. The sin of the first episode is just dragged out boring set up, the real crime is the entirety of episode 4. Episode 4, titled ‘Senior Camping Trip’, gets my nomination for one of the worst episodes of television…ever. Per Imdb.com, in that episode, “Clay is forced to confront his anxiety on the senior camping trip as a suspicious email threatens to turn the friends against each other.” This doesn’t even begin to describe the zaniness to come. All of the kids get freaked out and start seeing shit that isn’t there, and a couple even claim the woods are ‘haunted.’ I don’t want to spoil too much of it, you just have to witness this bat shit crazy bullshit on your own, but needless to say, the tone of this episode doesn’t match of the rest of the series, and it is glaringly noticeable. I know that the writers were probably trying to think outside the box to not get repetitive in their storytelling…but this was NOT the way to go…at all. So bad that if I ever decide to re check out the series, it’ll be a stain on my brain and I will make sure to skip it on my next go around. Episode 3’s crime deals with the blood coming out of the showers, but the main crime is that it centers on a Valentine’s Day dance…and then we get a Prom episode a little later. That was too repetitive to me. To have two dance episodes in the final season just seemed to point to lazy writing. The Prom needed to be the only one where a dance was involved because a lot of students look at Prom as an ‘end of an era’ like event. I know that some don’t but when you think about what Prom usually represents in movies and television for characters, it is THE rite of passage for young adults to move out of high school and into college and adult hood. Episode 3 should’ve been scrapped entirely and something else should have replaced it. I mean they came up with a college campus visit episode, you are meaning to tell me they couldn’t have thought up of something else other than a 2ND dance? Also, has any other high school in the world gotten in this much shit in such little time?

And even though there is a revelation in one of the final episodes why that fourth episode went down the way it did, the tone was just so off base for the series that the revelation did nothing to make me forgive that episode. Gary Sinese, aka Lieutenant Dan, shows up in this as Clay’s therapist, but with how little he is in it, it seems like he was an afterthought. Like they shot all of Clay’s scenes with an unknown, and at the last minute they got someone recognizable and re filmed all those scenes. Because if you look closely, he really is only in scenes with just Clay or his parents. I know that makes sense considering therapists not being too directly involved in kids lives but, the scenes just felt inserted. Fortunately, Gary Sinese does a good job where the awkward timing of the session are forgivable. I liked that his character had standards and rules and stuck with them and that they didn’t get his character too involved, it would’ve been…too movie-ish. If you know what I mean. Also, for non fans of Ani, who was an entirely new character in season 3, did some stupid shit and people didn’t like that she took over from Clay as narrator, she’s not in this season much. So you know that the creators definitely listened to fan input. She’s in it just enough though to have her and Clay complete their own little relationship arc, but when she’s sent to her mom’s mid way through the season and doesn’t come back till near the end, you know that she was sent away for the toxic fans of the show, and that shouldn’t have happened. Me? I thought Ani was fine, and the actress who played her did a good job in the role. I had no qualms with her and I’m disappointed that the show runners would listen to dumb feedback such as that.

Thankfully though, in episode 5, the series does a giant course correction and gives us two stronger episodes, Episode 6 maybe even being one of their strongest of the whole series. I’ll give you a hint what it is about: it deals with a possible active shooter on campus. It is also the only episode of the series so far where Clay talking to dead people is emotional and makes a bit of sense. And then after that, it stays consistently good, all the way thru the Prom and grand finale, which is basically graduation. And its consistently good, other than the tiny hiccup with the revelation of who ends up being in the coffin. It’s only because the matter of the death. If this character had died some other way, the whole finale, which the run time is a little too long in general, would’ve been 100% solid. If you want to discuss with me why or why not THAT fate bothered you and why it bothered me, message me up, I’m more than happy to describe why I didn’t think it made any sense. But other than that, it had a solid ending, and a solid very last scene. I’ve decided, I am going to barely recommend watching this last season, if only because I think I really enjoyed this series as a whole, especially the 1st. It might’ve been realistic at first and then gone off track with murder mysteries, characters losing their minds and talking to dead people, but it has remained consistently entertaining. Like watching a dumpster fire filled with teen angst. The acting has always been 100% solid too, no bumps in the road. But because of my frustration with some of the episodes, I can say with 100% certainty say that this was the worst season of the show. Should they just have ended it with season three and had wrapped up all the lose ends? Yes, that absolutely would’ve been the better choice, but I see their reasoning of wanting to end it when they all graduated high school. Definitely the perfect storytelling ending fork in the road for a lot of movies and television series. If you were to ask me, I would’ve said that it should’ve just been a one season kind of thing, loose threads be damned. Maybe they should’ve spent a little more time fine tuning this final season? Completely scrap the 1st, 3rd and 4th episodes and do some major rewrites? Doing some research I saw that this was the shortest amount of time of a wait between seasons (less than a year, the others were more). But then again, if they had taken more time they might not have finished filming because of the asshole that is COVID-19. Lose-lose situation I’m afraid. What will I remember most about this series? Probably that it was one of (if not only) high school television series about teen angst with real issues that I actually gave a damn about. Fuck you, Degrassi.

My Final Ranking Of The 13 Reasons Why Series:

Season 1
Season 3
Season 2
Season 4

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE

Kind of like why I did my review of Just Mercy, PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE came out in theaters early February, right before the pandemic hit. Normally I only do reviews of new stuff that comes out the year it comes out to form best of and worst of lists. Technically, Portrait is a 2019 film because it was eligible for the Academy Awards because it came out in NY and LA in December. It didn’t receive any nominations, and so I skipped it in theaters and just recently watched it on Hulu. And again, since it’s release date is blurry combined with content released in 2020 to review running out and COVID-19, I thought I would just count it as 2020 film. But just like there were reasons for Just Mercy to not quite make it on my best of list so far, heck this wouldn’t have made it on my 2019 one either, Portrait OF A Lady On Fire just missed the mark because of the movie not ending one scene earlier, what they did with the beginning, and a plot element that seemed to be taken straight from Dirty Dancing, the same plot element that didn’t make me care for that film all that much either (I’ll tell you exactly what it is later). Other than that, it is a beautiful and sweet film about love between two women in France in the late 18th century.

It the story of a forbidden affair between an aristocrat and a painter commissioned to paint her portrait. The last dude was fed up with the aristocrat woman because she wouldn’t ever pose for him so he couldn’t get her face right. The reason why this portrait needs to be done is because when it is finished her mother is sending her to Milan to get married. And you know…the woman doesn’t want to get married. Also, she’s suffering from depression because her sister killed herself by jumping off a cliff not too long ago. So they hire this other woman painter and they tell the aristocrat that she is there to go on walks with her and console her. The painter though is trying to just look at her face to do a portrait, until she isn’t, and she listens to the aristocrat, and you know, falls in love with her. The love story is tastefully done. Yes, there is nudity and some kissing, but there aren’t any full on gratuitous sex scenes, which kind of makes their love for each other earned in a way. Not like what the movie Blue Is The Warmest Color does. If you’ve ever seen THAT movie…then yeah, don’t worry, it is nothing like that. The movie is in French with English subtitles, and clocks in at an even 2 hours, but this is one period piece that actually kept my interest because of the acting, the pace of the story, and the beautiful cinematography of the sea side French landscapes.

The only real problems I had with the movie was the very beginning, a certain plot element that could’ve been completely cut out, and the ending should’ve ended one scene earlier. I can’t really reveal why it should’ve ended one scene earlier, other than to say that if you ever watch this movie, you’ll know why the scene right before the last one was more perfect than when it really decided to cut to black. The very beginning of the movie was a problem for me because I can’t stand it when movies start in the present day, and then go back in time to lead to the present. It voids a lot of mystery of where the characters might end up. And while I was wrong about the fate of one of the characters, there was no guessing about the other one, because it reveals that’s she’s alive and well right at the beginning of the film. And the frustrating thing about it is that scene could’ve played at the end and still had the same effect, maybe even more so, on the audiences emotions than where it plays at the beginning. Lastly, there is a B plot of the two women helping a young house maid get an abortion of a kid she doesn’t want. And if you’ve seen Dirty Dancing, you’ll know that was a plot thread too. That plot thread is the main reason I can’t stand Dancing, here it is done a little more tastefully, but I felt like it could’ve been cut out or re written to give more screen time to our two lead protagonists. But the movie is solid as is. If you like international feature films, I highly recommend a viewing, as it is a gorgeous movie to look at, as well as it has a decent love story of yore. I don’t know the director or any of the actresses from anything else, so I will save you a history lesson, and just say that all involved did a great job. You could watch much worse things on Hulu right now…like Shirley! This one is more on fire than that one for sure.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SHIRLEY (Hulu)

SHIRLEY, now available on either Hulu or you can rent it, is my pick of the most boring “kill me please” film of 2020. Yet it won’t be on my worst of the year list because I can acknowledge that I understood and appreciated what the film was trying to do and Elizabeth Moss’s performance is extraordinary, yet it just didn’t work for me, wasn’t my cup of tea you could say. And I won’t ever ever watch it again…if I happen to be with you while having a movie marathon night and you suggest that we watch this I’ll shove popcorn forcefully down your throat until you cry uncle. I was that bored. I was that bored I was wishing it for it to be done so I could watch a depressing episode of 13 Reasons Why for Christ’s sakes. This will be a very short review because there isn’t much that happens in the film other than senility, adultery, jealously, rinse & repeat. Logan Lerman is completely wasted in a supporting role and I would’ve rather watched just an ordinary bio pic on the life of horror writer Shirley Jackson than a unique experimentation film about a very brief time in her life, which don’t be fooled by the title, the latter is exactly what this is. I don’t even know if this shit happened at all and I don’t have the stamina to actually do some research. To be rather jerk-ishly forward with you, I’ll probably forget the entire film in over the course of a month.

Becky, per Rotten Tomatoes, is about “Renowned horror writer Shirley Jackson is on the precipice of writing her masterpiece when the arrival of newlyweds upends her meticulous routine and heightens tensions in her already tempestuous relationship with her philandering husband. The middle-aged couple, prone to ruthless barbs and copious afternoon cocktails, begins to toy mercilessly with the naïve young couple at their door.” Shirley Jackson’s philandering husband is played by Michael Stulbarg, and he does a pretty good job as well. But the young couple played by Odessa Young and Logan Lerman are one dimensional joke of characters, you neither get to know them or care what they are going through. And the ‘toy mercilessly’ in the description makes it sound like this movie is a thriller, but it isn’t. The toying isn’t even that bad, just a rude word said here or there with a couple of weird lucid dreams. The film is very uneventful. The only times I perked up was when Elizabeth Moss was acting, but when the camera was away from her it was hard to pay attention to what was going on.

The movie acts like an experimental film, the camera all over the place with extreme close ups and some time extreme blurriness, and it just didn’t work for me. I get that it was trying to go outside the slow and easy steady cam, and bring some life into a small part in Shirley Jackson’s life, but to me it just ended up being boring store brand icing on a boring store brand cake. A lot of top profile critics are liking this film, and I can see why because of Elizabeth Moss. She is doing fantastic things this year of COVID-19, with this and the much, much better The Invisible Man already under her belt. She’s becoming the Kate Winslet of a new generation. But to me, just one performance not a great movie make. I’ve always said that, whether it be Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married…or Joaquin Phoenix in Joker. I’m not going to just like a movie based off a performance alone. It’s gotta more value in different areas, and unfortunately the story and pacing just made me want to stab my eyes out in boredom. This is actually based on a short novel, and looking at the reviews, not a lot of regular readers took to it, thought that the written form of this project was boring as well. So I feel good about ending my review with this, if you didn’t like the novel and thought it was boring, surely this ain’t going to do anything for you either.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BECKY

If you want to see an ultra violent film where Kevin James (yes, THAT Kevin James in his first dramatic role) plays a Neo Nazi and him and his rag tag group of felons are chased down and killed in the most gruesome ways possible by a young teenage girl (think of it as a R rated Home Alone meets Hanna), then BECKY is the film for you. And when I say violent and gruesome kills, I’m talking on the levels of any film in the Saw series and the gruesomest 80’s slasher films you can think of. Just think of this as a rule of thought: when I cringe at gore…then it must be pretty bad. The film is a fun one time watch, but nothing more than that, as this film brings nothing new to the home invasion, revenge, survival thriller, (insert cliche here) genre. The main reason to watch this though is that this is the first film where our favorite King of Queens leading man isn’t just a bumbling fat guy funny man stereotype. He is bald, he has a big bushy beard, and he has a swastika tattoo on the back of that bald head. He spouts curse words and hatred in a fantastic menacing tone, I’m glad that someone saw him as having the potential to go beyond his type cast. It’s a quick and fast 90 minute film that literally has a McGuffin that never truly explains its existence, and if you can just sit back, and can stomach some horrific stomach churning violence, which you easily should because most of it is being done to racists, yet can also stomach a bunch of cliches you’ve seen many times before, you are in for a good time.

I stomached all of it, and it probably helped that the film I saw just before it, my review I posted before this one, The Last Days Of American Crime, was a giant overlong turd. Per IMDB.com, Becky is about “a teenager’s weekend at a lake house with her father which takes a turn for the worse when a group of convicts wreaks havoc on their lives.” The movie moves at a breakneck pace, wasting no time getting to the heart of the matter. But a warning for those of you that decide to watch this, if you are wanting answers to why exactly Neo-Nazi Kevin James and accomplices are at this lake house, the movie doesn’t really provide any answers. Well, it kind of does. Kevin James is looking for this key that he apparently hid there before the family even owned the place and obviously before he was sent to prison. It might seem like the decision to not ultimately reveal what the key unlocks is some smart decision by the filmmakers to look ‘smart’ and be ‘different’ and just say they wanted the audience to try and put 2 and 2 together in their own head, but to me it just seemed like a lazy excuse to find a real reason for the key’s existence. But no matter, we aren’t here for the key, we are here to see a young teenager outsmart the bad guys and kill them, non-PG style. And non-PG it is. I’m not going to ruin any of the kills, because that in turn would ruin the fun of the movie. But if you are squeemish, you might want to find a different film to enjoy your time with.

Although the film is light on plot and it offers nothing you haven’t seen before (except for the kills), the acting is also what makes this film watchable. And it is Kevin James’ performance alone for why you should watch this film. I could’ve watched 30 more minutes of his performance, and only disappointed he wasn’t in the film more than he already was. Kevin James transcends his type casting and I hope he is involved in more serious dramatic acting and stays far far away from any script that says it is from Happy Madison productions. You’ve out grown that shit Kevin, tell Sandler to fuck off unless its something like Uncut Gems. All the other acting is great as LuLu Wilson, if you look her up, has a solid track record in the horror genre, specifically making Ouija Origin of Evil a prequel that actually doesn’t suck as hard as the first film. Joel McHale is in this too and he’s fine, I can just never shake him as Jeff Winger from Community, but that’s my own problem, not his. The guys that directed this directed basically only one other film that I also enjoyed, called Cooties. Check that out if you haven’t already but it’s about young grade school kids eating some bad chicken nuggets and turning into flesh eating zombies, it is quite fun, yet not too memorable. And that’s ultimately how I would describe this film, fun, entertaining while you are watching it, but in a year, you won’t remember too much other than that you can say it was ultra violent, and that you were impressed Kevin James did something different for once.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME (Netflix)

THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME is probably the most ill timed movie of 2020 so far. Maybe even the past decade, I’d have to do some research. I’m surprised Netflix didn’t pull or postpone its release to be honest. We’ll get to why in a moment. It is also way too long, convoluted, the rules of the plot device don’t make any sense and contradicts itself constantly, it takes too long to get to the heist climax, the dialogue and narration is Screenplay 101 levels of awful, not enough action, etc. etc. etc. There are only two things about it that are redeemable. Michael Pitt’s Nicolas Cage-like wacko of a performance, and director Olivier Megaton’s camera work and editing has grown much more steady and less choppy, but that’s about it. This is another one of those films that had smarter minds had a crack at adapting the graphic noves this was based upon, we might’ve had truly something special and epic. This film is 2 and a half hours long, and it acts like it is supposed to be an epic crime film, but it tries so hard and ends up failing so fast to the point where it loses its ‘epic-ness’ before even a half hour has gone by. Something to compare it to? It’s a poor man’s Heat rip off with a minor sci-fi twist that ends up tangling itself in multiple knots.

Rotten Tomatoes describes this film the best: “As a final response to terrorism and crime, the U.S. government plans to broadcast a signal making it impossible for anyone to knowingly commit unlawful acts. Graham Bricke (Edgar Ramírez) teams up with famous gangster progeny Kevin Cash (Michael C. Pitt) and a black market hacker Shelby Dupree (Anna Brewster), to commit the heist of the century and the last crime in American history and escape to Canada (who isn’t participating) before the signal goes off.” The biggest problem of the whole film? The ‘rules’ of the signal. They are messy, convoluted, don’t make a whole lot of sense, and constantly contradicts its own rules. For example, there is this one scene where a woman is fighting with a cop and she can’t kill him because the signal is turned on, but then once that situation has been resolved, THE SIGNAL STILL ON MIND YOU, she is able to blow of a government computer system. Uhhhh…that is knowingly committing a crime right? How is she not able to kill the cop one minute but blow up government property the next? Doesn’t. Make. Any. Fucking. Sense. The reason for me saying that this movie is ill timed is in part because of one of the rules of the signal and the apocalyptic protests present within the film. It all gave me an uneasy feeling, and not in the way it was probably supposed to. Another one of the plot points of this signal is that law enforcement gets implants in their necks near their spinal cord so that when the frequency is activated, it has no affect. So basically the cops out there that don’t have the best intentions at heart, can conceivably get away with crimes/murder themselves. Who ends up watching over them? None of this premise or story was really fleshed out with a lot of thought to be sure. With what happened last and this week and all the protests going on, in the words of Chandler on Friends, “could it BE any more ill timed?”

How to have fixed this movie? First off, it should’ve been a trimmed down to a little under 2 hours. Secondly, probably shouldn’t have been released this week. The rest is an entire overhaul of the premise, the dialogue, the rules of the signal, and better character development. Especially a re do of when the story takes place. I understand that the movie had to take place while the signal was in the final stages of testing and only at the very end to have it activated, because the other elements wouldn’t have worked. But wouldn’t it have been more interesting to concoct a story where the signal has already been activated for some time? A story of outsiders far away from the United States, looking in for one huge score? Now that would’ve been interesting. It also would’ve been a great way to think things through and have air tight rules about how the signal can make or break you, and ways around it. If you held a gun to my head and told me right now to list all the rules of the signal with this particular movie that makes sense and that actually follows the precedents set before it, you might as well pull the trigger. Other than Michael Pitt’s bat shit crazy performance, the acting is okay, and the actors do a good enough job of not looking like they are cringing saying the flat dialogue. Edgar Ramirez barely speaks anyway, unfortunately he is always going to be cast as the silent brute force with not much to say. Anna Brewster is just there to look hot and get naked in yet another obligatory un-needed sex scene. The one person who is absolutely wasted here is Sharlto Copley, who was amazing in District 9 and other small supporting roles. Here, his role seems like it might be important, but then just ends up being an after thought. You’ll see.

The direction isn’t to blame at all here. In fact, it’s probably Olivier Megaton best looking film to date. If you don’t know who he is, he is the one that directed Transporter 3 and Taken 2 & 3. The worst films of those franchises. In those films the action has too much shaky cam and is edited piss poorly just to hide how much non action there is. Here though, mostly everything is steady cam. With what little action there is, at least it is shot professionally, and the scenes have time to breathe, the audience being able to tell this time which bullet is flying where. The cinematography is decent as well. It’s a sleek looking film, only it isn’t sleek because the entire rest of it is very, very rough. That’s the screenplays fault, and it might even be the graphic novel it is based upon’s fault. I would need to do research on the latter and I don’t have the time or interest to. It shouldn’t take 2 hrs and 10 minutes to get to a not complicated yet convoluted heist, where there isn’t that many steps in getting away with billions of dollars apparently. Since I’ve only seen the movie, I’m going to have to blame screenwriter Karl Gujdusek, which is disappointing considering he wrote the half way decent Tom Cruise vehicle Oblivion, and an episode or two of Stranger Things. Yet then again he wrote The November Man… So if you decide to watch this 2 and a half hour epic non epic low-key mild science fiction heist action sort of apocalyptic thriller, and was bored and disappointed as much as me… that’s not my fault. I gave you all the signals.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: JUST MERCY

Because of what is going on out there in the world right now, JUST MERCY, which came out wide in early January of this year in theaters, Warner Brothers made available to rent for free for all of June. Technically, it is really considered a 2019 film since it came out in NY and LA in December, and was eligible for Academy Awards consideration, but didn’t get any nominations. Because the movie didn’t receive any nominations, I skipped it when it came to my local movie house to focus on checking off those I hadn’t seen that did. Since it is a very important time in our nations, no….world’s history, and since the release date is kind of blurred when it comes to reward season, I decided to go ahead and do a review, even though this one was likely not to make either my best of year list. That doesn’t mean anything bad, it is a very solid film, and one that should definitely be watched by every one that has a little time to watch it right now. Be forewarned, if you are a decent human being inside and out, it is a very hard movie to watch because of the awful extreme racism, brutality, and false convictions toward black people. I cringed at the horrible ways they are treated, and most likely you will to. Films like this make you wonder that if you gathered up all the racists in the world, and showed them movies about or real footage of racism for a year straight, would they change their ways? As you can see on my Facebook page, I try and keep it strictly to movies. As I white person, I feel like I want to say something meaningful, but I’m afraid that I might say the wrong thing or someone else could twist my words. So let this review be my ultimate thoughts on what is going on right now. So to end this introductory paragraph before I get into the movie, here is my whole stance on the matter: #BLACKLIVESMATTER .

Like I said above, the movie is solid and really the only reason why it wouldn’t end up in my top movies of the year for either 2019 and 2020 is because, in terms of how many movies I have seen during my life time, it really offers nothing new film wise in terms of black oppression, racial injustice & unforgivable police brutality. Everything that happens in this movie, which plays sort of like another one of those court room investigative drama movies, you’ve seen it all before in much more powerful films. But you SHOULD STILL watch this movie. It is filled with fantastic performances from Jamie Foxx & Michael B. Jordan and the message of #BlackLivesMatter is paced perfectly and is precise in what it is trying to say. Just Mercy tells the true story of Walter McMillian who is wrongly accused of a crime he didn’t commit because of racist bigots, but with the help of young defense attorney Bryan Stevenson, they try and appeal his murder conviction and get him out of jail before time runs out and they set a date for his execution on death row. Jamie Foxx and Michael B. Jordan have always been incredible actors, see anything they’ve done, they’ve always brought their A game. Here is no different, their facial expressions complementing their dialogue, to make you feel in your heart the hurt and pain that they feel.

The only one that gets a bit of a shaft with their performance is Brie Larson, who looks like she just put a wig on and walked on set to do her scenes while filming something for Captain Marvel. Not to say she isn’t good, but it seems like they could’ve left out her portrayal of her real character from the movie and its message would’ve remained the same. That or just cast an unknown actress and have her small time to shine. She’s the ‘and’ on the end credits, which makes a lot of sense, as she feels more like an extended cameo than a true supporting performance. She has only one long scene with some lengthy dialogue and some quick handful of 30 second investigative reporting, but the filmmakers could’ve just cast someone else not as well known and it would’ve gotten the same job done. I know they wanted to put Eva Ansley, a real life white woman that worked closely with Bryan Stevenson. in the film, but they just didn’t put that character into enough scenes for it to be warranted. It’s all forgivable anyway, because it is supposed to be the Foxx and Jordan show, and she doesn’t take away from their contributions at all. Tim Blake Nelson plays an inmate that initially testified against McMillian who might or might not have a chance of heart, and he gives a very solid supporting performance that should’ve been the true ‘and’ on the credits, and Brie Larson maybe sticking to an uncredited cameo. In the end, I don’t think there is anything writer director Destin Daniel Cretton could’ve done to make this racial injustice film stand out from the pack. He told the story as it happened, with incredible acting and symbolism to get the message across. It is a very solid, albeit familiar film. Might I recommend maybe watching Malcolm X and BlacKkKlansman as a perfect triple feature if you are wanting to learn more about the issues going on right now? Any films you would recommend watching with this one? Please do make an effort if you have time if you haven’t seen it. This film needs to be seen right now.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: LOONEY TUNES CARTOONS Season 1 (HBO MAX)

This will be a really quick two paragraph review of LOONEY TUNES CARTOONS Season 1 that just premiered along with the streaming service HBO Max. Because what is there to really say about Looney Tunes? This is your Dad’s Looney Tunes, not some revamp that might as well take the word Looney right out of it. Now this isn’t the entire old Looney Tunes library that you remember watching when we are kids, but NEW ORIGINAL cartoons featuring your favorite characters such as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Coyote & Road Runner etc. There are 10 episodes but they are only 10 to 12 minutes each (and split into 2-3 shorts that don’t over stay their welcome, you know, like the old days). It’s basically one big 2 hour movie full of shorts. And it’s great! Not only does my young almost 3 year old son Grayson pay attention to it, but he laughs right along with all the hijinks. Not only that, but I find myself laughing along too while thinking, “they didn’t change a thing, and that’s the best thing about it.” HBO Max and whoever wrote and animated for this new original series could’ve went the opposite wrong way for sure. And in this day and age, it’s shocking they didn’t.

In this you will see absolutely no jokes that try to modernize the cartoon. They don’t even utter any terms such as yolo, millenial, or even say the dreaded hashtag in front of other words. It’s literally new of more of the same from way back when. All the violence where all the cartoon characters are okay, but would literally die in real life, is all here in all its glory…along with your favorite dynamite sticks! All the characters still sound the same, you still get Daffy vs. Elmer Fudd, Daffy and Porky Pig messy mix ups, Bugs Bunny gaining the upper hand on every single obnoxious villain he comes across, and the damn Coyote still can’t catch the Road Runner. Giant rocks fall on characters, countless explosions, slapstick humor, all in tact. Nothing changed. I’m surprised that helicopter moms weren’t screaming from the rooftops from the beginning to make this project more accessible to younger viewers. It is all a hard TV-PG for sure. The only thing disappointing about it, is that it is only 2 hours of content right now. But seeing as this, and then that child like Elmo late show are the only things people are watching on the new streaming service right now, and that animation shows aren’t being affected so much by COVID-19, I think we can expect a season 2 sooner rather than later. Back in the day, this was a zany Saturday morning cartoon that the whole family could enjoy. It still is, just now with no commercials. Finally, something that feels fresh by still remaining the same. How looney is that?