Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MY SPY (Amazon Prime)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDyet another movie that didn’t get to premiere in theaters because of the asshole known as COVID-19. Without me dragging this review into extreme boredom by re-stating my theory in detail of why these studios are choosing to release these films straight to streaming instead of just waiting for theaters to reopen back up, I’ll just sum it up in 4 words: They aren’t any good. And that theory has been proven time and time again, except for one exception: The King Of Staten Island. I heard Trolls: World Tour sucked, I’m told that You Should Have Left sucked, the grapevine has told me that The High Note with Dakota Johnson wasn’t that great, I thought Scoob! was a massive disappointment, I thought The Lovebirds was mediocre, and I’m about to review another $19.99 premium rental after this that wasn’t very good, have I covered everything thus far? Now here we are at MY SPY, that instead of waiting for theaters to re open, was just dumped this past weekend on Amazon Prime. And unfortunately, it adds onto the pile of new premium VOD releases that haven’t been any good. But this review is going to come with a very special disclaimer: this film was never meant for me (Trolls: World Tour probably wasn’t either to be fair). But then that raises the question…who is this film really for?

The reason I ask that question is that this movie is rated PG-13 and has a pretty hefty amount of explosions, people getting shot and killed, stabbed, accidental knife throw injuries, and it even has a very shoddy looking CGI decapitated head flying across a screen. Yet, the movie is basically a love child of Cop And A Half & Kindergarten Cop (both superior to this, IMO), with enough goofy innocent shenanigans & banter between Bautista and child actress Chloe Coleman to make it a little less harmful than the two movies I just mentioned. So what, in my opinion only of course, is the age ranges of this movie? Now remember, before I answer that question, any movie that you put out on the market, the age range needs to expand more than a 10 year period. With My Spy, I’d say the age of enjoyment would only be from ages 6 to 10, and be only really appropriate with its PG-13 rating from ages 8 to 10. 10 years and older, will think that this film is silly and stupid, unless you are a teenager or an adult with a child like heart of gold. So when you do the math, that is only a 4 year range of enjoyment, with a 2 year range of appropriateness. Needless to say, that is not a very marketable movie for Hollywood studios. Because as I watched this with very minor enjoyment at a couple of scenes, I had trouble seeing this film make any sort of money whatsoever if it had debuted in theaters. Hence, I guess that’s why it was ultimately released on Amazon Prime.

But there were plenty of scenes while watching this where they could’ve cut some of the violence to get that coveted PG rating I think they were going for. There was unnecessary language at parts that could’ve been cut out. They didn’t need the decapitation gag for sure. And some of the deaths could’ve happened off screen. Due to the nature of the plot per IMDB.com, it really shouldn’t have been as violent as it was: “A hardened CIA operative finds himself at the mercy of a precocious 9-year-old girl, having been sent undercover to surveil her family.” That sounds like a goofy family friendly fun. Well it is goofy, a little too much for believability sake sometimes, but it isn’t that family friendly. Well, it is and it isn’t, you all with families will be the ultimate judge. I’m just reviewing the movie based on what I thought of it alone: it was a cheesy, cliched filled, nothing you haven’t seen before in a movie like this, dumb, one time-watch. It had a couple of moments of chuckled originality, but isn’t that great in terms of quality by any means. Dave Bautista at least looks like he wanted to be there, this is the most tolerable I’ve ever been in regards to the performance of Ken Jeong, Kristen Schaal is still playing her annoying character from The Last Man On Earth, and kid actor Chloe Coleman steals all of the scenes she is in.

The film is directed okay, although a lot of the action scenes are very CGI sketchy and kind of bland in terms of location shooting and choreography. This needed to be directed by an action director that can also do a bit of comedy, of which Peter Segal is the latter but not the former. He’s directed only two of, what you would call, “action pictures.” The Naked Gun 3 and Get Smart, both of which weren’t very good. I’d say this is on par with those. An okay effort, but mainly fruitless. There is a lot more of you out there that will totally disagree with me on this, and that is okay, like I said, this movie wasn’t made for me. I was just bored on a Saturday afternoon and I figured, okay, if I watch this with my wife in the room, this would’ve been like paying $20 on a night out at the theater, but it is now for free since it went straight to streaming. That’s what this film will ultimately be known for to me, that it saved me $20. Will I revisit it after a little time has passed and when Grayson is a little older? Maybe between those ages I talked about above. It also depends on his taste at the time. But will I ever seek this movie out again for pure enjoyment? Absolutely fucking not. Look on the bright side, at least it was better than Dave Bautista’s last film, which was a little R rated comedy called Stuber. How a PG-13 kids film was better than that garbage, I will never know. I spy, with my little eye, a film that will be forgotten in a few months time.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE VAST OF NIGHT (Amazon Prime)

THE VAST OF NIGHT mainly gets away with it’s mostly “telling but not showing” premise because of it’s small small small small ass budget. I think less than $50,000, don’t directly quote me on that. If this had anything over a million, the long sequences of talking and telling a story without showing the audience any flashbacks would’ve been completely unforgivable. That being said, the dialogue from those scenes are believable and decent, so much so that those of you that mainly listened to the radio growing up would probably get a nostalgia high from it, those of you that didn’t, think of those FDR “Fireside Chats” you learned about in history class, and you can get the picture of what I’m talking about. The main reason to watch this movie isn’t because of the story or characters or acting, it’s because of some of the amazing camera shots. Near the very beginning where it follows a charismatic radio DJ in, out and around his high school before a big basketball game, and then somewhere near the middle where the camera sweeps through the town a couple of times, all one shot takes. They are AMAZING camera shots. Most of you casual moviegoers though, you’ll watch this film, probably wonder why in the fucking hell I’m giving it a recommendation, because truth be told, a lot of you will be bored and probably shut it off halfway through. But I’m giving this a pass, because even though the characterization was underwhelming, and also the story and ending a bit so-so as well, this low-fi sci-fi movie is a nice little homage to all the ones that came before, and 1950s era itself.

IMDB.com describes The Vast Of Night as: “In the twilight of the 1950s, on one fateful night in New Mexico, young switchboard operator Fay and charismatic radio DJ Everett discover a strange audio frequency that could change their small town and the future forever.” What I liked immediately when the movie started was a little homage to The Twilight Zone, as a Rod Sterling type voice tweaks the words of the opening of that TV show and instead frames the story as an episode of the fictional ‘Paradox Theater.’ It’s a little unfortunate that the movie doesn’t really capture a stretched out episode of The Twilight Zone and instead relegates everything to what would’ve been a cool yet small little broadcast in the vein of H.G. Wells’ The War of The Worlds when Mr. Wells’ read his story over the radio, and freaked out a bunch of people at the time. Not that that was ultimately bad, just a little disappointing. The story could’ve been tweaked to make it out like a feature of The Twilight Zone, however, that would’ve required flashbacks and the budget would’ve absolutely skyrocketed. There are several long sequences of still camera dialogues that will either make you or break you with liking this film. Two of the longest, between 5 – 10 minutes each, consists of an Army vet recollecting when he heard that signal for the first time over his career, and an older lady recollecting how she heard the audio frequency that lead to her son eventually being taken by the ‘people in the sky.’ This is all spaced out with the two leads, Fay and Everett, freaking out about said signal and going different places to investigate. The two leads do do a fine job of acting, nothing wrong in that department, but yet nothing special either. And it isn’t special because we really don’t get to know the characters all that well, it’s one-note development at its most disappointing. And at a short 89 minutes, those long dialogue scenes seem to stretch on forever.

Like I said before, the main reason to watch it are for a couple of the amazing camera dolly shots this film has, especially when it goes through the entire small town, in and out of the school and to swear the two characters work, it’s amazing how they pulled that off. And then the beginning where Everett is going through the school before he does his nightly broadcast. Take that camera work, get a high budget and a solid story, and director Andrew Patterson could be going places. They got the 50’s costumes and feel correct, they just needed to add more meat to the sandwich. But the bread is fresh baked out of the oven, the shots really are quite unique. And the story is decent, it just isn’t fleshed out, and again, it’s because of the budget. All roads of reasoning lead to the budget on this one for me. That’s why I’m giving this a recommendation, because when I was in college wanting to make movies at one time (see where I am now though), I really appreciated the things that students could come up with filming, with absolutely no money at all. $50,000 might sound like a lot to you, but it really isn’t. And the fact that this was made on that tight a budget, with some above average camera shots, is honestly a little breathtaking. Tomorrow I am going to post a review of a movie called The Wretched, that is dominating drive-in theaters right now and VOD, with not as small of a budget at this, but small enough that the visuals of that film are striking as well. The different between that and The Vast Of Night is that The Wretched has a giant twist I didn’t see coming and I was invested in the story more. But if you are a person that likes all of film, that appreciates and goes beyond just story or characters or visuals, then you might want to give this one a try. Just don’t expect a vastness of content.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: UPLOAD SEASON 1 (Amazon Prime)

You know what the perfect shows to binge during this shitty COVID-19 time that we are trying to get through with a forced smile on our faces? Half hour comedies. They are 100% perfect. Not too long, not too short, binge-able over a weekend where you don’t forget about them immediately afterward. Never Have I Ever, that just debuted the beginning of last week on Netflix is a recent example of what I’m talking about. And while I still prefer that new show more, you can add UPLOAD SEASON 1, that just debuted on Amazon Prime Video during the weekend, to that list. It’s also a quick 10 episodes, albeit the first one is a rare 45 minutes, because it’s a pilot and it tries to establish the set up without it feeling rushed but while also trying to get it out of the way. My wife and I devoured it over the weekend of its release, and it left us craving more episodes, what more could you ask for? Well…maybe not so much of a depressing downer of a cliffhanger ending, which this had. Most binge worthy shows that release all of their episodes at one usually have a season arc that is completely wrapped up with only a hint or two of what is to come. Upload pushed a cliffhanger on us mid story. But maybe because The Office (U.S.) and Parks and Recreation (Greg Daniels) already has everything mapped out and knows it all can’t go back 4 or 5 seasons? He realizes with a high concept comedy, which this very much is, that you can’t over stay your welcome. At least, I hope he realizes it…considering that both The Office and Parks and Recreation both certainly over stayed theirs.

Borrowing now from Wikipedia: Upload “is set in a future where “humans are able to ‘upload’ themselves into their preferred choice of afterlife. When Nathan (Robbie Ammell) meets his early death, he is greeted by Nora (Andy Allo) in his version of heaven. The series follows the two as Nathan grows accustomed to life away from his loved ones, and the alive Nora struggles to stay afloat working her job alongside Nathan in the afterlife.” There is more much to it than that, but I think it’s listed that way it can avoid spoilers. I think I can expand without revealing anything as well. There series brings up other questions such as, “Can Nathan stay attached to his still alive girlfriend so she will keep paying his hefty afterlife bills?” “Was there more to Nathan’s death than possibly meets the eye because of his career before being uploaded?” Also there are a bunch of crazy side characters with their own little arcs along the way, but that is too much to get into. The series main ethical questions are “what if?” ones meant to cause debates over loved ones who happy to also watch the show and countless message boards everywhere. What exactly is alive? If you are dead but your consciousness can still stream to your loved ones, are you really dead? These are all brought up in hilarious fashion, and yet it doesn’t try to hit you over the head with it’s multiple layered messages. All of it is very subtle and set ups are paid off as you go, accompanied with fantastic sight gags. While it is a comedy, some of it does go to the dramatic side of things, but not enough to get too dramatic…well, except for maybe the depressing cliffhanger (my only complaint with the show).

The acting elevates the show from good to great status. The chemistry between Robbie Amell and his “angel” Andy Allo is impalpable. Whoever hired those two deserves a motherfucking raise. You might not know Andy Allo, she hasn’t been in much except the CW show Black Lightening and a very small part in Pitch Perfect 3, but you might recognized Robbie Amell. He is cousins with Arrow’s Stephen Amell (in fact he even has a small role in the whole CW/Arrowverse), and has been in other feature films such as The Babysitter and The Duff. I’ve always liked the guy, and in this role, he’s the most likable and charming he’s ever been. I hope this opens some doors for many other projects for him to chew the scenery on. All of the side characters are great too, even Nathan’s girlfriend, played by Allegra Edwards, is someone you end up loving to hate for how dumb shit is. It’s a feel good hilarious comedy that gets funnier and funnier with each episode, but it’s a high concept one that also makes you think, which is always very appreciate for someone that hates to turn off their brain before pressing play. And while I didn’t care for the ending (mostly due to the fact that the sad and depressing tone didn’t really fit the rest of the series, although it did have one big laugh at the very very end, and also I want more episodes now), I really do hope that Amazon sees they have another hit show on their hands (Bosch being the other one) and that after this whole COVID-19 mess if over, they “upload” new episodes in the near future.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BLOW THE MAN DOWN (Amazon Prime)

Whoa, in my previous review of the new Netflix film Tigerland, I had just bitched that I have to slog through 10 original streaming service movies where there are usually 8 pieces of dog shit and only 2 at least half way decent ones. 10 to 2 is a terrible ratio when dealing with 90 minute to 120 minute movies. And I am only talking half way decent two movies. What is the ratio on near or perfect masterpieces? Probably 1 in 100. The last original streaming movie that blew my mind near masterpiece wise was probably El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie. BLOW THE MAN DOWN, released back on March 20th on Amazon Prime, joins Tigerland as one of those 2 half way decent diamonds in the shitty, shitty rough. This begs the question: Am I know going to have to slog through another eight shitty ones before I get to two hits in a row again or was this the tenth one in one cycle and so everything is reset, where I could possibly get a rare third in a row? Ah the possibilities. Anyway, to the movie I’m actually reviewing here, it is quite decent, a solid, actually original dark tale that is a tight 90 minutes with no fluff or filler. Again, like my complaint with Tigertail, could watched a half our more to this little universe, maybe some plot threads added such as a possible relationship between the cop and one of the sisters in this, or more background to the town’s uhhhh, without spoiling anything, age old dirty business. But what is contradictory about me wanting more is that this film has a smart way of giving you only enough information here and there for you to eventually fit all the puzzle pieces together to get a somewhat visible essence by the story’s end. It doesn’t paint a full picture for you and it doesn’t spoon feed you shit like a lot of other movies would. So me asking for more might ruin one of the perks the film has going for it. An extra half hour would say, blow all its strengths down.

Yet again, IMDB.com has the perfect log line without spoiling any of the dark and moody little small town tale: “Two Maine local town girls attempt to cover up a gruesome run-in with a dangerous man. To conceal their crime, the sisters must go deep into the criminal underbelly of their hometown, uncovering the town’s darkest secrets.” This film sucks you in to this little towns world, and it is quite remarkable with how short the run time is that these handful of characters get complete arcs and none of them have only one dimensional personalities. The only real actress you might know in this is Margo Martindale, who was on The American, Justified, and a bunch of other stuff you might’ve seen, and if you know her, you know she’s a hell of an actress. Here is no different as she plays Enid, the owner of Oceanview Hotel, the key to one of the small town’s dirty secrets. Since I see a lot of movies and know a lot of people, I do know who play the two sisters. One of them is Morgan Saylor, who was Brody’s daughter on the first several season’s of Homeland. She was good on that show, and she’s good here too. She plays the black sheep sister very very convincingly but with enough of a moral compass to be somewhat redeemable. The other smart and work striving sister is played by Sophie Lowe, who played Alice in the failed Once Upon A Time in Wonderland spin off series that went absolutely nowhere and a couple of other small things I’ve seen her in. She’s a hell of an actress and it is a shame she hasn’t been in many high profile stuff throughout her career. Good thing she’s only 29 years old, and still has plenty of time to get that spotlight in the one role that could produce a jump start to stardom and never look back.

The story is simple, dark, and easily kept me entertained thru the short run time. I’ve been hearing comparisons to it being a “Maine Breaking Bad” type deal, but that comparison is completely unfair. First of all, the only thing that should ever be compared to Breaking Bad is the spin off series Better Call Saul. Secondly, it is it’s own thing. It’s own spun spider web tale of intrigue with a little dash of deception. It’s meticulously told, with its own stamp of uniqueness where it shouldn’t really be compared to anything other than another witty crime caper. Gun to my head, maybe I could’ve seen this whole story play out in an 8 to 9 episode season of Fargo on FX, just much less humor than you are used to seeing on that series, but I stand by my claim that its its own thing and if there are any homages to any other film like it, it’s very subtle and not noticeable at all. The movie was directed by two women by the names of Danielle Krudy and Bridget Savage Cole, who both have done a bunch of shorts that I haven’t seen (but would like to now), while the former was miscellaneous technical crew on a bunch of older high profile films almost a decade ago. However, whatever learning experiences they have managed to get with their previous job titles, it completely works here. This movie is dark, moody, interesting, with its own palette, flavor, and atmosphere. Definitely one of the best original movies that Amazon Prime has offered that went straight to its streaming service, and I don’t see another one blowing their title just received from me down for quite awhile.