LOWRIDERS basically follows the Cliched Plot and Human Relationship book from front to cover, but I have to say that it does feature Supergirl Melissa Benoist at her absolute sexiest. The film mixes in that “oh so familiar poor boy on the streets but he’s a great artist that wants so much more and for his art and name to be recognized  and gets a girl that recognizes that talent”, with “his family is divided between giving his loyalty to his older brother who just got out of prison or his “used” to be drunk father that just wants his son to work on lowriders at the custom shop that he owns.” You can completely see the whole movie right? Well you can, so the film then has to work on performances and entertainment value alone, which thankfully, it does.

I’m not saying that it is a great movie though, but I am saying it is a great Netflix watch. You get to see some pretty beautiful and custom cars and again, like I said, a very sexy Melissa Benoist. If the movie had garnered even a ounce of unpredictability, it could’ve boosted itself into a very good category. The problem is, the audience will know what will happen scenes and scenes away before the characters make those actions. There is going to be a scene where the father confronts the older brother. You know who the winner of the Lowrider contest they have in the middle of the film is going to be. You know whether our main character will get his art or his name out there or not. You know what will happen the climatic scene. You know there will be a forgiving scene as well. You know how the story will end.

If I let you sit in a room all by yourself for 10 minutes, you could tell me completely what happens in the beginning, middle, and end. No question about it. But instead of coming out as just another boring storytelling sausage link, you at least get a hot dog with some of the chili and cheese fixings entertainment wise. The performances are all there, including Theo Rossi as the brother, Demian Bichir as the father, and Gabriel Chivarria as the protagonist. And again, Melissa Benoist as the girlfriend to the protagonist. This is basically The Fast and The Furious meets any family drama without any of the racing. (I take that back, there is a kind of chase near the end that is Fast and the Furious on a very calm relaxer drug)

There is something that happens in the third act that you could completely argue with me is unpredictable. Maybe for you. But there would be literally no way to advance the story other than a lawsuit, which would be boring. It also sets up the way too predictable finally. I guess you could say that this movie is one of my guilty pleasures. There is so much going against it that me liking it I had to have been in some sort of a mood while watching it for the first time. Maybe it will not hold up in repeat viewings. But the fact is I was never really bored, the acting is there, and the short run time of 95 minutes completely flew by. There are “lower” things you could be doing with your time.

First off, way too long of a title. Second off, Richard Gere’s performance is absolutely amazing and one of his best. Third off, not a bad film at all! NORMAN: THE MODERATE RISE AND TRAGIC FALL OF A NEW YORK FIXER is about a Jewish business man, Norman Oppenheimer, desperate to make contacts to make a name for himself, that buys a pair of expensive shoes one day to a low-on-the-totem-pole Israeli politician, whose life dramatically changes when that politician becomes the Prime Minister of Israel three years later. Thankfully, the film doesn’t just rely on Gere’s performance but shows an interesting aspect to politics and deal making in general that pulls the entire project away from mediocrity to a film a recommend watching one day if you have the time.

You haven’t heard of this film? Of course you haven’t, it is only playing in independent cinemas and Cinemark Legacy right now, but it did run pretty well in the festival circuit earlier this year and last year. Watching Norman going around and trying to make all these contacts and business deals that he doesn’t know whether he can fulfill or not is very intriguing and nerve wracking. You want to believe in the character of Norman so much that you want to see him pull all of this off, but know that the man is actually grasping at straws. When he triumphs, the audience feels it, but when he fails, it hits the audience deeper, knowing that the newfound success could of in no way lasted because of Norman’s other handshakes that have been going on.

And I’ll say this, the movie completely sticks the landing, meaning the ending. The ending is one of the best parts of the movie, with all the pieces of the puzzle and all of the holes being filled. It’s an emotional climax that will truly make you think. Don’t worry, won’t spoil it here, but that leads me to the case that the title of this movie is the worst thing about it. Not only is it too long, but it is also kind of a spoiler per say. They should’ve just called it Norman The Fixer or maybe it’s original title Oppenheimer Strategies. But there have been movies with atrocious bad titles that have ended up being good, so just add this one on to the list.

The supporting players in this, while small, are good, but ultimately just serve to boost Gere’s performance. You have a lot of famous faces like Michael Sheen, Steve Buscemi, and Dan Stevens, that fill in really unimportant roles that were mainly hired to boost up the poster and get people in seats. I should mention that the Israeli Prime Minister, played by Lior Ashkenazi, is the only other sort of stand out performance in this. That’s the only other really meaty role, especially toward the end.  But Richard Gere alone should make you want to watch his film. He has always been an extraordinary actor but here he is masterful. He has all of Norman’s tics, facial expressions, and concerns down pat, and I would watch this movie again simply by just watching his performance alone and leave out the story elements.

But like I said, the story elements make the entire film work. This film isn’t a masterpiece per say, but it is very, very good. This is one of the films I am more likely to remember down the line than not, especially it’s masterwork of an ending. My only real complaint about the film is the title and a little of the pacing in the middle. But if that is all you have to complain about, best to maybe keep it to yourself.

No, I’m not reviewing the once great television series starring Zachary Levi, I’m reviewing the movie (which you can only see at Cinemark West Plano right now), CHUCK, starring Ray Donovan’s Liev Schreiber about boxer Chuck Wepner, who was the inspiration for Sylvester Stallone writing Rocky which won a shit load of rewards. Chuck was a okay boxer, known mainly for almost going a full 15 rounds with Muhammad Ali back in 1975 (we get to see this fight, which is one of the highlights of the film). As far as sports biographical pics go, it is harmless, not being great, but definitely not being bad, too long, or boring either. If you are a sports biographical pic, and you are neither great nor bad, you kind of get lost in the crowd.

Which is what will happen with this film for me. I’d say in a couple of years I will hardly remember it other than I thought it was a good one time watch with a stellar performance by Schreiber. I have a feeling though an extra 30 minutes that seemed to be missing from this film could’ve gone either way. It could’ve made it too long and boring and not added much to the film, or it could’ve made the film more in-depth, better, with more amounts of character development. I don’t know unless I see this 30 minutes. Not to say the film was edited badly, but the movie is only an hour and 40 minutes, which for a biographical pic, is quite short.

I would’ve honestly liked to see Wepner actually fight the bear (yes, he fights a bear in a ring as a publicity stunt claiming to be true, looked it up and it was) but I guess it would’ve been really bad CGI and PETA would’ve been pissed. But looking over Wepner’s career, the movie hardly ever goes into the thick of it. Instead we are mostly treated to his downfall (with drugs of course) after he takes Rocky filming all those awards too seriously and starts to use that as a crutch when talking to people. I would’ve also liked to see his relationship with his second wife Linda develop a little bit more than it did (played by the underused but always wonderful Naomi Watts). I also forgot to mention this: Jim Gaffigan has a small role as one of Wepner’s friends, and what a role it is. You can hardly recognize Gaffigan at all in his zany role. If there is another reason to maybe check out the film one day, it is Gaffigan as well.

There is unfortunately nothing new with downfall pictures anymore. I think if the film would’ve focused a little more on Wepner’s success in boxing mixed with the downfall, it would’ve been a more memorable picture. Maybe a little boring, but a little more accurate and meaty.  Also the guy that plays Stallone in the film is excellent and I’m wondering why they didn’t show Wepner sueing Stallone like he did in real life, that would’ve been interesting. Instead, the film will get lost with all the other boxing/sports biographical pics you have already seen. And if you miss this one, you don’t really miss anything other than a decent one time watch that you will forget mere months or years later. I feel a little bad but I can’t deny that the boxing pic, with the exception of Creed a couple of years ago (and some of Bleed For This), is dead. I recommend, but not enough to go out and seek.

Well, that was a fucking fun ride. I LOVED ALIEN: COVENANT. Completely blows Prometheus out of the water. And that’s really funny because it is more of a Prometheus sequel than it is a true Alien prequel. Of course you actually get Xenomorphs again in this movie but the mythology, theology, and over all sci-fi integrity that Prometheus brought is front and center in this film. I am not going to lie, I am an unabashed Prometheus fan. People didn’t like it because it asked more questions than it answered, it was weird, they didn’t like the Engineers, there were no Xenomorphs. But I saw a more complicated film that tried to do something new that people hadn’t seen before than to just explain what the fuck a “space jockey” was. But Alien: Covenant is for both Prometheus fans and it is also trying to win back the people that didn’t like Prometheus very much. And I think it exceeds on all levels.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t even touch Alien or Aliens in terms of quality and being a masterpiece. But it does get closer than anything that came before it. So yes, the best Alien film since 1986’s Aliens. I’m not afraid to say that. If you are expecting a click, click, click action bonanza you are going to be extremely disappointed. You get more of the slow burn that the first Alien film gives. Lots of exposition, and a slow crawl toward the nightmare you know is before you. And when things do get going, they never let up until the end. The action is pretty stellar and the special effects are fantastic. Well most of them are. If I do have one complaint is that some of the shots of the aliens in action could’ve used a little more polish. But the worlds, ships, and environment are so real and awe-inspiring to look at since the world of Avatar.

But Zach, is it scary? Well, there are some very gross and disturbing parts. It gives you probably the most graphic gore infested Alien film to date. But I wouldn’t say it is scary. More tense and action oriented, with a dreadful and sinister vibe. Not like horror jump scares left and right. Which is okay. Cheap jump scares don’t work anymore. Dread is always the perfect recipe. Ridley’s Scott’s direction in this is near pitch perfect. I am very glad he came back to the genre that he started and is treating his series like Michael Bay does with Transformers, but instead of keeping dropping his baby like Bay does, he actually nurses and cares for it. All the shots here are wonderful to look at and the set design is fantastic. And if you are looking for answers to Prometheus, while it still asks a couple of questions we will get with the inevitable third film, you get some huge answers the last film asked, and those answers are delicious and satisfying.

The acting is better here too. Michael Fassbender shines in everything he is in and here is no exception. He is perfect playing an android and seems to be really into his role. The film has a couple of smarter characters in this than the last one two. Danny McBride, Katherine Waterson, and Billy Crudup are fine here, but they are no Fassbender and definitely no Sigourney Weaver. McBride is actually really quite impressive here, considering that he is playing a little something more serious than the usual assholes and obnoxious characters he plays. Waterson is one of the better female characters to date, showing a more impressive strong female character that has some smarts as well as brawn. But like I said, this is the Fassbender show.

I love this film. I already want to see it again. If you like it depends on how much you love the Alien franchise and how much you liked Prometheus. It’s a direct Prometheus follow up while also trying to lean it’s way more toward the Alien mythos and atmosphere. The perfect combination in my eyes. I see it traveling straight more toward an Alien environment in the third one, with some last minute insights wrapping everything up leading us to the events of the first film. I thought this was a really great film with a lot of cool ideas, awesome action, beautiful cinematography, relentless gore, and just a whole lot of fun. Also, love the mixture between the score of Prometheus and Alien. Just a really cool melting pot of a movie.

 

So I saw Amy Schumer’s right boob today…not sure how I feel about that… I do know how I feel about the movie SNATCHED. It is fucking terrible. One of the year’s worst. I chuckled, MAYBE, once. It wasn’t funny, especially when about 30 minutes of the 90 minute runtime is Amy Schumer again talking about her vagina and other vagina jokes that I’ve heard before, none of them clever. And when you have a comedic genius Goldie Hawn in your cast, and you barely use her, and not in the way you are supposed to, it’s slapping a lot of film enthusiasts in the face. This woman was in Private Benjamin, and you have her playing an unfunny mother that just complains throughout the whole movie and doesn’t really do anything comedic. This film is an absolute crime to watch, and one of the worst comedies to come out in a very long time.

You know what another crime is? Having a cameo that looks like it might’ve been written for Hawn’s real life partner Kurt Russell and instead hire Law and Order SVU’s Christopher Meloni. Would’ve been perfect with Russell, but are you really surprised considering the rest of the movie sucks as well? Amy Schumer has not been funny since Trainwreck. That is the last time I thought her genius that she does have in her still somewhere shined with her talents. Thank God she didn’t write this, otherwise I would maybe say that her career is over. No, the blame of all of this goes to the screenwriter that single-handedly ruined the new Ghostbusters, Kate Dippold. The Heat sucked, Ghostbusters sucked, and this sucked. As in baseball, she’s out, and should never come back.

Everything in this film is predictable, down to getting kidnapped, escaping, getting help…it’s just all boring and has been done countless times before. It’s just vagina jokes galore, and Amy Schumer just whining for two hours. Goldie Hawn is just wasted here. She’s made some classics and is a classic comedian (Overboard anyone?), but this is just bad, considering that she hasn’t done a movie since The Banger Sisters. Not her fault that she is a two dimensional character, she was just written that way, and you can tell she is struggling trying to make something of the material.

This is going to be a really short review because there is really nothing to talk about artistic wise here. The writing sucks, the direction is basically point, shoot, and cut, and there is nothing unique about this movie at all. The jokes all fall flat, they even make Ike Barenholtz unfunny. It’s just a very very very bad comedy. If you need to see something funny, snatch something else at your local video store, you’re better off.

I’m conflicted. I really really really really liked this movie. Except for the ending. But I have to recognize that the ending was bold, out of the norm, inventive, and very “not Hollywood.” If I had to compare it to another ending, I would compare it to the little seen 2010 film Buried starring Ryan Reynolds. I know people that were absolutely pissed off by the ending. I thought the ending made sense. Here, it made sense too, but I guess I was more reluctant to like it because it involves our military and I cared more about the characters here behind a wall way more than I did Ryan Reynolds in a box. People in the military are going to hate the ending of this film. In fact, I walked out of the theater with a vet that absolutely was so pissed off at the ending his face was red. So yeah, if you are military, you might want to cut the film off before the ending arrives.

I’m not going to spoil the ending here and I’m not going to talk about it anymore, so let’s talk about what made this film a little awesome. The plot and performances mainly. Basically if you had to compare this film to others, it’s Phone Booth meets (insert war film here). A U.S. Sniper (John Cena) and his spotter (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) are on a mission responding to a report that contractors were killed while building a pipeline in Iraq. When they get there, they are trapped by an Iraqi sniper, wanting to talk and play games. All they have is this one wall for protection, radio shot out by the sniper, and have no idea where the sniper is.

My past review I commented on how The Dinner was way too long, that it should’ve been a quick 90 minute little tension bot boiler, not two hour. Well the run time of this film was what made it great. It is a quick 90 minutes, and makes the film tight and in control. Within those 90 minutes, are two fantastic performances, both from wrestler (the next best one since Dwayne Johnson) John Cena and Kick Ass’s Aaron-Taylor Johnson. Especiall Johnson, who has given us a one two punch with his performances in this and his award winner performance in Nocturnal Animals. 50% of this film is relied on their performances and they both give 110% of themselves into this flick. You can feel their desperation, their panic, their worries; it reaches out of the screen and onto you, hoping that they will make it out of there alive.

The Kiefer Sutherland sniper part is voice by Laith Nakli, and although he does not even compare to Kiefer Sutherland’s tremendous scary voice in Phone Booth, the trick that his character has up his sleeve is not only smart and brilliant, but diabolical. For 90 minutes I was on the edge of my seat. I love a good sniper film, and this is the best since Phone Booth, Jarhead and Enemy at the Gates.

Unfortunately there is not much more to say about this film without getting into heavy spoilers and ruining all the tricks this movie has up it’s sleeve. If any people in the military read my review and see this movie, I would love to know your thoughts on it, particularly the strategy and inventiveness behind it. Also, I would like to know your anger with the ending. This movie would be a masterpiece if the ending didn’t upset me so much. But maybe that was the whole point of it, to grab at my heartstrings? If so, good job, but I’m still a little mad at you. This movie is borderline masterpiece with just a dash of frustration, but 100% recommendable in seeing this at a point in your life.

THE DINNER has such a great, high concept of a pot boiler plot, that it pains me to say that this is one of the year’s worst films. This film was 2 hours when it didn’t need to be, it could’ve gotten rid of all the flashbacks except for a very important few, completely overhauled the stupid ending, stayed at the dinner between the four main characters more, and had been a very, very tight incredible 90 minutes. Instead we get a bunch of flashbacks, that not only completely murder the film, but that really don’t have to do with shit other than the fact that the writer is trying to over explain things that had already been shown to us. The performances are fantastic, but not even close to want to come back for another course.

If you didn’t know, The Dinner is about 4 people, two of them are brothers with their wives, whose kids have done such a horrible crime, and due to some circumstances haven’t been identified yet, that they have dinner at a really fucking expensive, posh, fancy, restaurant to discuss what to do about it. Sounds like a great dialogue film with utter dread and tension right? Yeah, well maybe it would’ve been with more of maybe only 20 minutes of being at the restaurant in the entire film that has a run time of two hours. Right before the ending, we get a great just tense as fuck ten minutes that I could’ve watched for another 80. Richard Gere, Laura Linney, Rebecca Hall, and Steve Coogan just going at it.

But no, we get flashbacks, too many of them, one of them one of the dumbest and boring sequences I have seen in all my 30 years on this Earth. Now a couple of these flashbacks are very, very important, such as what their kids ended up doing, those completely needed to stay in the film. But flashbacks dealing with some of the couple’s past relationships, mental health history, and other jibberish really didn’t need to be shown. It could’ve been told to us some in the dialogue, it could’ve shown us the mental health stuff with Steve Coogan’s incredible acting in this. And it did during the dinner, but just kept hitting the nail on the head in flashbacks that I didn’t really need to see and were just plain unnecessary.

What I really want to talk about in this review is this 10 to 15 minute flashback sequence that has to be THE MOST unnecessary, bullshit, pointless, boring, God awful thing I have ever seen in cinema. It is just Richard Gere and Steve Coogan, a flashback trying to portray Coogan’s collapsing mental health, going through a memorial of the Battle of Gettysburg, and then dissolves into almost ten minutes of Stephen Lang just talking about the Battle of Gettysburg like a history show. It was one of the most boring scenes I have ever been put through and complete horseshit. Was this scene in the novel it was based on or did the director have awful choices about what to do in this film.

The direction in this film is another part of the problem. It’s awful. All these choices the director makes is just awkwardly awkward. It’s like director Oren Moverman is trying to make a mainstream thriller with an avant-garde film. And it doesn’t work. At all. Imagine if you will watching an Avengers movie and then halfway into the film the camera just focuses on the American Flag while reading out our Bill of Rights. Yeah, that random and awkward. Just…ugh…pointless and made me hate the film more than I already did with the other stupid flashbacks. Oh, and the ending sucks. It abruptly ends with hardly any resolution.

I wanted to see The Dinner, not The Flashbacks with Dinner, or Visions during Dinner. I wanted to see the conversation taking place in present day during dinner. I wanted 80 minutes of that, with a ten minute flashback to see what the children did. Performances do not make a movie, I have said that time and time again. You need a combo of performances, plot, cinematography, scene significance, direction, all of it in one big melting pot. And if one of those things doesn’t work at least 90% of the time, you don’t have a film. This film has performances and maybe 10% of a plot. There was no direction and absolutely no scene significance. You had 10% of a good movie, and usually, on my radar, if you go under 30%, you get one of the worst films of the year. And here I serve you one of the worst on a giant platter full of shit.

 

Well it is officially here. Summer movie season has started. You smell it. I smell it. It can either smell great, like Captain America Civil War, or it can smell kind of schtinky, like Iron Man 2. What does my groundhog nose smell this season? No more weeks of spring. GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 is (pardon my constant French) fucking awesome. It is everything I hoped it would be and is at least as great as the first film, and in some parts (like the sountrack) is even better. It is entertaining, funny, cute, emotional, action packed, awe-inspiring, gleefully contagious, basically everything you want in a movie, comic book movie, Marvel movie. It is just pure fun. And that’s all we want in a movie isn’t it?

The opening scene sets things early. And just like the opening credits to the first movie, this opening is a masterpiece and dare I say it, even better. The soundtrack all together is perfect scene by scene and mixes together with what is happening on screen beautifully. All the characters gets a fully fledged arc and some characters are given even more screentime and even more fleshed out. Baby Groot and Yondu steal the show in this. Easily. Just like a puppy, there will be some sort of Baby Groot toy or contraption in every home this summer. Michael Rooker plays Yondu with even more depth and has a great musical action scene and some one liners that will have you bawling with laughter.

The special effects, again, are fantastic. All the action sequences are fun, thrilling, and go along with the story. You might not think the movie has a story the first two thirds of the film. But I slowly new what director James Gunn was cooking up, and when the story does reveal itself, you realize that everything you thought was random prior wasn’t random at all, but was perfectly placed for the big reveals at the end. Also, this might be the first time that Marvel is getting out of their “villain problem” they’ve been having. I’m not going to spoil anything, but the villain of the film has some acting chops once revealed and it seems that maybe villains from now on (like Michael Keaton in the new Spider-Man or Cate Blanchett in the new Thor) will be a little more menacing and fully fleshed out.

Kurt Russell is all kinds of cool as Ego the Living Planet/Peter’s father, and those kind of skeptical about him being Peter’s father, don’t worry, it will make sense to you this story choice. Dave Bautista gets cool moments and great laughs as well and the always underrated Zoe Saldana is again great as Gamora. Karen Gillam gets a lot more screentime this time around and a new character, Mantis, seems like a welcome addition to the team. Also, I can’t imagine anyone voicing Rocket or Groot from now on as Cooper and Diesel make those roles theirs.

I’m not going to spoil any more of this movie. Just go see it. You know you want to and you know you already going too. Marvel can do almost no wrong, something that DC needs to quickly learn (hopefully Wonder Woman is fun).  This is another welcome addition to the Marvel canon, it’s just that great and anyone that spoils anything for you should be kicked in the head. And of course, stay through the credits, as some of the scenes are funny and essential. If I had any complaints the movie is just a tad too long (at 2 hours and 17 minutes) and it doesn’t really set anything up for Infinity War, but honestly does it really matter? Guardians was always meant to be it’s own thing and here it’s its own thing again. I even loved the way it felt like a true continuation to the first movie. Just so much fun. Definitely one of the best of the year. Now let me go buy the soundtrack before it sells out everywhere.

And finally, my fourth review for the one movie I saw this weekend that happens to be my favorite of the bunch and the one I would only truly recommend making time out of your way to check it out: SLEIGHT. Some critics are calling it Chronicle meets Iron Man or The Prestige meet Chronicle or Juice/any urban gang film meets Chronicle or some other bullshit hybrid film combo that will take the place of an unqiue worded review about the film itself, which is it’s own thing. Slap me shocked that this didn’t get more marketing and more theaters because it is one heck of an entertaining film that plays by its own rules and is smart as fuck. Not surprised that this was brought to us by one of the producers of Get Out.

If I could describe the film I would call it a thriller with a urban magical technological twist. Yep, that descriptive. I don’t want to go too much into spoilers because the trailers for this film are a bit misleading and for good reason. If you’ve seen the trailer it looks like it is about a drug dealer by night, magician/street performer by day, but one that has superpowers. Well it is and it isn’t, but one thing is for sure, this film IS NOT Chronicle. There is more to his “powers” that meets the eye, so much so in fact that I was prepared to be disappointed if the kid actually did have supernatural powers that helped him with his magician tricks and his pickle in his drug dealings that he gets into. But it’s not, it has a down to Earth type explanation that I won’t describe for you here. Safe to say that I was impressed.

This is the tightest 90 minute little thriller that I have seen in quite some time and I enjoyed ever millisecond of it. A great storytelling movie like this can only be heightened by its performances, and that is exactly what Sleight does. The performances are freaking amazing. Jacob Lattimore as Bo, the lead, is compelling and has such a clear arc and different approaches to his character for each twist and turn it blew me away. There is this one scene where he is talking about a trick he saw from a magician as a kid, so mesmerizing because Lattimore just knocks it out of the park. But there is another performance that impressed me even more and that was from Dule Hill, who plays Bo’s drug dealing boss Angelo.

Don’t know who Dule Hill is by name, okay, how about the guy that played Gus on Psych, Shawn’s best friend and co-lead? Yep, that guy. Can’t imagine seeing Gus with a gun, playing a bad ass drug lord throwing out F-bombs left and right and hitting and killing people? Neither did I until I saw this film. I am hoping this film catches on and maybe he’ll get more projects other than playing the “aw shucks partner” in films and television shows. Here he is intoxicating, masterful, and filled with so much suspense I was on the edge of my seat every time he was on screen.

The movie also sticks the landing at the end, not going out on an all out magical techno brawl action sequence but a finale that is down to Earth, just the right amount of action, and doesn’t overstay it’s welcome. This film just has a good story, you get a urban thriller, a romance subplot, a family subplot, all with a cool little twist to make it it’s own. Please do find a theater it is playing in and go see it. I thought it was very smart take on what it was trying to do without ripping something off like Chronicle. I repeat: this film is not Chronicle. Go see it.

 

Riddle me this: What is a conspiracy movie without a conspiracy? Bland? Lame? Half a movie? To describe this movie as a joke to a geometry major I would say that THE CIRCLE is only the radius compared to its diameter of an idea. The movie feels like only one act to what should be a three act movie, and that one act goes absolutely no where when the audience expects any film tale is supposed to go full circle. It’s a shame because the talent and filmmakers involved should’ve filled that entertaining hole in any and all movie goers heart, but instead fills it with absolute boredom.

The marketers for this film are smart. They knew if they were marketing this film as it truly should have been, no one would’ve been keen to see it. Instead, they make it look like one huge big conspiracy movie where Hermoine Granger is haunted by and infiltrates Slytherin to try and bring that entire part of the school crumbling down. Sounds like a cool new Harry Potter film right? But instead imagine a Harry Potter film where all you did was fucking watch Hermoine go to her classes, read from her books, and only a little disturbance happens when one of her classmates sneezes too loud during studying. That’s what The Circle is.

The marketing team made this film look like a conspiracy is happening toward Emma Watson’s Mia character from the company that she works for, and Tom Hanks being some big corporate head honcho Steve Job’s type person that is part of the evil plan. They did this by putting basically all the “conspiracy” scenes in the trailer. But what they won’t tell you is that those scenes of Emma climbing up and down a latter is to just to follow John Boyega knowingly to see where new servers for the company will eventually be set up. The scenes of Tom Hanks asking Watson a leering question is actually them just chatting openly with no bad intentions involved. The scene of her screaming is not what you think either.

There is no conspiracy in this movie. The entire movie is Emma Watson’s day to day operations of her job and then at one point, when she goes kayaking late at night and almost drowns, The Circle’s cameras save her, and she then moves up in the company fast as a “needs The Circle surveillance system poster child.” Then instead of bringing up a cool new conspiracy, you instead see what she does with her new responsibilities, with a couple of hiccups involving her close friends and family and finally realizing that no privacy is bad. That’s it. That’s all the movie is. And it feels like the movie ends mid movie too. And all throughout the movie just when you think the movie is going to introduce a conspiracy, like why a senator suddenly gets fired and a new one replaces them, they write it off really quickly with one line of dialogue.

In fact, the only really great part of this movie was laughing furiously when Emma Watson decides to completely broadcast her entire life to the world using The Circle’s system.  When she does this you see a bunch of user comments flash on the screen commenting on her life and what she is doing currently. The funny thing is, THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY ANY OF THEM ARE REALISTIC TO WHAT PEOPLE HOW PEOPLE IN LIFE WOULD COMMENT. When she is getting ready for bed there are comments like “nice sheets” or “don’t forget to brush your teeth for one full minute” when you know in real life there would be comments like “Let me see dem titties!” or “Please masterbate for me Mia!” There are a couple of really funny comments like, “I like to fart in bed,” “I am about to eat year old cheese,” and my favorite, “The people at The Circle probably have no children,” but the rest is just laughably bad. Completely unrealistic to what would happen if somebody really did that in real life.

The only fun part of the movie was trying to read all the comments, in fact, if I were ever to revisit this film, I would constantly pause the movie to try and read all of them. The movie isn’t all bad. The acting is really good from Watson and Hanks, even though Watson looks too smart to ever work for a billing company. And Hanks, delivers inspiring tech speeches with perfect precision. But when has Hanks actually sucked in a shitty movie? It’s rare. And John Boyega, the great John Boyega who plays Finn in the new Star Wars films, is completely wasted here, in the fact that he only has two scenes and then is photoshopped into a crowd not once, but TWICE!!! Karen Gillan is honestly the best actress in this thing and the only one that kind of has a full character arc, and I can’t take Patton Oswalt in a role like he has in this seriously. I will give a shout out though to Bill Paxton who plays Mia’s dad with MS. I’m really going to miss him and even though he is in this film very little, he is great in his role and his presence is big enough to be sad by the fact that he won’t be making movies anymore.

But, like I said, the film doesn’t go full circle. It goes nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. What could’ve been a fantastic conspiracy film about technology, privacy, etc. is an hour and 50 minute film about a girl’s work day and how at the end she really doesn’t change anything but get revenge on a couple of people. It has a couple of really intriguing ideas on where technology and privacy could take us but doesn’t explore its full effect. If you want a half way decent conspiracy film you thought you would get with this, just go rent AntiTurst, which is a much better film, even though cheesy in it’s own right. If you are on the way to the theater to see this right now, might I suggest making a 180 and go back home to do something better with your life.