Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HUBIE HALLOWEEN (Netflix)

Holy shit, Sandler went full gibberish! HUBIE HALLOWEEN is the 2nd worst thing to happen to Americans in 2020. Stuck between a virus and a copter crash. On one hand, it is probably Sandler’s most tolerable Netflix original film to date. On the other hand, if you watch this, and actually laugh and enjoy it, then you might want to see someone, as you’re probably on the spectrum. Right at the very beginning of this film I moaned out, “oh no” as Ben Stiller shows up in a cameo as his awful orderly character from Happy Gilmore. Not too far after, there was another “oh no” out of me as there is a kid named O’Doyle that likes to pick on Sandler’s dumb character and after a prank yells out…you guessed it…”O’Doyle rules!” The man has run out of jokes and can’t come up with anything new that he has lowered himself to constantly bringing back and referencing his two most popular films from the 90s. Here’s a decent question: Why is it that Sandler has to come up with these stupid characters with jibberish names (Bobby Bouche in Waterboy, in this it’s Hubie Dubois) that almost speak literal jibberish because of his fast talking fucking annoying accents? Why does he keep using cheap, over-used physical bodily pain comedy that died over two decades ago? Why? I’m just so fucking tired of it. Aren’t you? And you know what the scariest thing about this absolutely non-frightening new Halloween film from the asshats at Happy Madison Productions? The scariest thing is that this is NOT the “worst film ever made” that Sandler promised us if he didn’t get nominated for an Oscar for the masterful Uncut Gems. No, this film was made last year before this year’s nominations were even announced. The horror. The horror of what’s to come.

IMDB describes Hubie Halloween with the following: “Despite his devotion to his hometown of Salem (and its Halloween celebration), Hubie Dubois is a figure of mockery for kids and adults alike. But this year, something is going bump in the night, and it’s up to Hubie to save Halloween.” Don’t be fooled by the rip off plot set up of a Michael Myers type escaping a mental institution to wreck havoc on Salem, the whole plot is a giant red herring and the reveal near the end is so unbelievably stupid and unbelievably unbelievable that you’ll laugh just at the fact that the movie tried to pull THAT rug out from under you. I’ve mentioned being frustrated by a film’s potential this year before, and again I am frustrated, because I’ll even admit it, there is a decent film in here somewhere. Turn Sandler into a normal nice guy that gets picked on by the town for no reason at all, a character without the jibberish talk and dumb childlike innocence, wrap him up in a people missing/getting “killed” murder plot, actually ADVANCE said plot instead of it just being skit scenes of Sandler being picked on by the town, HAVE NONE OF HIS FUCKING STUPID SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE FRIENDS IN IT, create a different inciting incident other than just another mental institution break out, completely change the “gotcha” ending, make it somewhat scary and you might have yourself another family friendly Halloween classic that you watch every year other than just Hocus Pocus. I know that seems like a lot to ask, but that’s all they had to do. But nope, it’s just been there, done that before, cheap and crude potty humor with no frights. There’s a boner joke throughout the movie that starts beating a dead horse the moment it is introduced, and don’t get me started on Hubie’s dumb fucking Swiss Army Thermos the film desperately wants the audience to think is funny.

You know what the sad part about this is? If you loved this year’s The Wrong Missy, also made by Happy Madison Productions, your dumb ass will probably love this more. Which goes to show you, you are the reason that blockbuster films are being delayed this year other than the virus, as your dumb fucking ass eating these shitty made “comfort food” movies, making them popular along with your overrated sports to where you don’t need to go to a theater, you’ve gotten pussified, lazy and pathetic. Why doesn’t Netflix hold Sandler accountable for the shit films he makes with his shitty contract with them? Oh, it’s because you fucking idiots watch his bullshit over and over and over again on the streaming platform, and they only have hearts made out of dollar signs. The only other positive thing I have to say about this film, other than that there is a decent movie in here somewhere, other than that there was no shameless product placement like in Sandler’s other films, and other than the only two things that made me chuckle were Kenan Thompson’s facial expressions to some tomfoolery and a Kevin James Muppet joke, was that the movie actually looked like a movie. Meaning the production design and direction were decent for what it was. It actually looked like a town that really enjoys Halloween. Gotta give the director Steven Brill, who also directed Sandler in Little Nicky and Mr. Deeds, but also directed him in Netflix’s The Do-Over and Sandy Wexler, yet gets a free pass from me for directing one of my favorites, Heavyweights, some kind of credit. Him and the crew actually tried to make everything around the mediocre story and Sandler look look legit. I desperately wanted to add this film to my recent review list of movies that I couldn’t finish in buttfucking 2020, but I also wanted to watch the whole thing just so I could tear it a new one in this review.

Every year Netflix still manages to have me place a new Sandler film in my worst of lists. Last year Sandler surprisingly had a movie on both my worst and near the top of my favorite lists. That’s likely never to happen again though. It’s just a fast, who gives a fuck, script to get Sandler and friends some kind of paycheck, so they can buy more expensive and useless shit in their regular lives. At least this time the plot wasn’t set on some exotic locale just for an excuse to give Sandler, family, and friends a vacation along with a paycheck…although Sandler’s wife and his kids of course show up in cameos in this. Almost forgot to mention, the film has an interesting side plot with one of Julie Bowen’s character’s kids (Will from Stranger Things) having interest in a girl a little older than him. But once that girl shows interest in him too, the side plot is over, as there is no conflict thrown into the ring to make it a little more interesting, not even a cliched “she already has a boyfriend” predicament! Sandler looks bored even though he tries to look lively with his dumb shenanigans, Julie Bowen looks like she really misses Modern Family, wondering why the fuck she’s in a movie like this and why her character would have any interest in Hubie in real life, Kevin James is annoyingly stupid and awful in this, Steve Buscemi is embarassing, Shaq shows up in a dumb and tired scene that’s ultimately embarassing too, and even Sandler’s other SNL friends seem dumb downed and desperate here, including, but not limited to: Maya Rudolph, Rob Schneider, and Tim Meadows. We have to make this shit stop, so please do not watch this like I did. I only watched this to warn all of you to stay far, far away. It already makes me sad that Halloween this year is probably already ruined because some dumb ass Chinese guy ate an under cooked bat, but now Adam Sandler has thrown his hat into the ring to ruin it further. This film will make you wish you were in the same universe as his Click movie, with a remote control to fast forward all of us to whenever this depressing shit ends.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: DUMMY & DIE HART (Quibi)

Maybe I should add the word mean on the title of my WordPress Blog & Facebook page because when something is really bad and I’m in the state that I’m in right now, I just feel like tearing it a new asshole. Since I did a little research on QUIBI they count all of their programming on their app ‘television episodes’ or ‘webisodes’ and so even though I reviewed The Fugitive, Most Dangerous Game, and The Strangers as movies, from now on I’m just bumping everything offered by Quibi down to TV Binge Watchin’ ones since they’ve been nominated for Emmy’s, which is a television award. I watched a couple of more Quibi offerings over the weekend, both DUMMY and DIE HART, and I figured that I’d maybe double up with some Quibi reviews from now on since the comedies aren’t as long as the drama/thrillers are. Both Dummy and Die Hart are 10 episodes, ranging from 5 minutes to 9 minutes each, but not over or under. If they were movies, the max runtime they would be are about 90 minutes, minimum 50, but since each episode briefly, around 30 seconds, recaps the episode previously, and considering that every episode doesn’t max out at 9 minutes, they both definitely require less attention from you than if you were to see a regular comedy in the theater. I would say both Dummy and Die Hart range from an 1 hour and 10 minutes to an hour and 20, maybe, the minimum at least a little over an hour for each.

What I’ve also discovered from Quibi is that they have what is called ‘rotating’ technology. That means that no matter how you look at your phone screen, this app is limited to mobile only surprisingly, the image will center on what you need to be focused on if you are holding your phone vertically. Me? I prefer to watch everything widescreen to get the most out of the image possible, but I’ve noticed sometimes that when flipping vertically, that if the widescreen cuts off at the torso, the vertical view will show legs and feet, albeit on the person talking, instead of seeing two characters both in the same shot if you were to just stick to widescreen. Anyway, let’s get past this semi-interesting Quibi trivia and actually review these things shall we? From my intro, you could’ve probably predicted that both Dummy and Die Hart are my two least favorite offerings from Quibi thus far, the latter being truly terribly awful because of one of the actors I can’t stand involved. DUMMY stars Anna Kendrick and Donal Logue and IMDB describes it in the following: “An aspiring writer befriends her boyfriend’s sex doll and the two take on the world together.” Die Hart stars Kevin Hart, Nathalie Emmanuel, Josh Hartnett, and John Travolta and IMDB describes it in the following: “Kevin Hart plays a fictionalized version of himself on a quest to land the action-movie role of a lifetime.” If either of the premises make you scrunch up your face in a “really?” type expression, I can confirm you are likely to keep that scrunched up face the whole time if you watch one or both of these.

Dummy, with Anna Kendrick, is definitely the better of the two, even though I didn’t care for it. It is the better of the two because Kendrick is a pretty decent actress (and I’ve always found her to be a weird kind of sexy) during all of the ten episodes, and I like how Donal Logue is actually playing the creator of Rick and Morty, Dan Harmon. It’s just that the sex doll being able to communicate with Kendrick, and it just ends up saying a bunch of dirty jokes and naughty words gest old very, very fast. And the dirty jokes and naughty words completely only make up the anatomy of what a sex doll has on it and what men can do to it. Crusty sperm, body type, worn out prosthetic vagina, you name it, this show has an unoriginal joke for it that doesn’t even get in the ballpark of smart writing. The plot is semi interesting because Kenrick’s character is trying to write this pilot and the doll actually helps her form a new idea and get the ball rolling instead of constantly having writers block. The conclusion of the story is very weird though, but maybe it was meant to be a cliffhanger since these are technically TV episodes right? The creator of this show, Cody Heller, is actually really engaged to Rick and Morty’s Dan Harmon, and to have him in this story, albeit played by a professional actor, is pretty cool, but Donal Logue doesn’t really act like Dan Harmon. I’ve seen interviews with Dan Harmon, as I’ve been a fan of him since Community, and he is much weirder than Logue portrays him. Gun to your head, if you have to watch either of these, choose this one, as you might chuckle a little like I did.

Where I didn’t chuckle at all (alright fine, maybe once or twice only in webisode 7 of 10) was Die Hart. Truly fucking stupid and truly fucking awful. It would’ve been kind of cool if this premise was meant to be taken seriously and Kevin Hart was really trying to become an action star. But it’s just Kevin Hart being Hart as usual, and to me, usual for him is just screaming all of his fucking lines for laughs with no jokes, and acting like he doesn’t have a clue. John Travolta of course over acts in this (interestingly this role was written for Bruce Willis as himself but he turned it down, Travolta plays an original character) and they get the most screen time, so you can probably imagine what a slog this was to get through. Especially when the webisodes play up the “is this really happening or is this all scripted and planned by Travolta in his characters world?” type scenario. A really odd scene with Jean Reno near the end of one of the first batch of webisodes cooks the shows’ goose really fast (why didn’t they save that for an end reveal), and it is very easy to predict exactly how it was going to end. So during the journey to get to that predictable ending, I was constantly rolling my eyes. The only two celebrities in this that are going to be unscathed are Nathalie Emmanuel and Josh Hartnett. Josh Hartnett plays a fictionalized version of himself, and his bits are the only couple of things, in one out of 10 webisodes mind you, that made me chuckle (and also a blink and you’ll miss it reference back to him at the very end of the series). He wasn’t afraid to poke fun at some of his ‘action’ career and there was a pretty great Hollywood Homicide joke that made me chuckle pretty hard. Nathalie Emmanuel, while she acted like she wanted to be in this and did the best job she could with a very under written character, she’s unscathed for me here…well because she’s just so damn fine to look at. Only reason why I didn’t quit the series. From Game of Thrones to some of the Fast and Furious movies, to this, she is very, very easy on the eyes. Absolutely beautiful. She was the very tiny gold nugget you would find if you were to sift through all 10 shitty episodes in one sitting. I hope Die Hart doesn’t get renewed for a second season and dies fast.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: FILMS I COULDN’T FINISH IN BUTTFUCKING 2020

UPDATED 10/6/2020. If you are seeing this, congratulations, you are one of the few that liked my page on Facebook that gives a damn about reading these. Or you follow this blog on WordPress. From now on they are going to be all different. No hashtags. No tags. No shares. Nothing. If you don’t see it on the Zach’s Zany Movie Review page on Facebook or if you aren’t following my blog on WordPress, then I don’t give a fuck, because you obviously don’t. 2020 has been the worst year of my life, and I blame it entirely on three things: 1. Movie Studios For Delaying Films 2. The Governors of States such as New York, California, and New Mexico that have opened gyms, restaurants and indoor dining, but not movie theaters and 3. CUNT BUTTFUCKING ASSHOLE COVID-19. But there is a secret fourth thing I blame this shitty year on: you. Yes, that’s right…YOU. Well some of you. The pussies and cowards out there that won’t go to a theater because they don’t think it is “safe” right now. Even though there HAS NOT BEEN ONE FUCKING POSITIVE CASE OF COVID-19 TO COME OUT OF A FUCKING MOVIE THEATER SINCE THEY REOPENED IN LATE JUNE.

I’m past the point of caring how some of you feel. The lot of you that didn’t go to a theater and see something like Tenet, Broken Hearts Gallery, Unhinged, or even New Mutants, you are partly to blame why theaters are shutting back down and why we are getting these stupid fucking piece of shit straight to streaming/PVOD movies that I can’t get an acquired taste for. So fuck you, pussy. But alas, I’ve calmed down just a little bit to keep doing these reviews how & where I see fit. So with nothing to really review until Adam Sandler’s shitty new Netflix original movie Hubie Halloween on Wednesday, I came up with something a little…zanier. I’m going to briefly talk about three movies I couldn’t even fucking finish they were so terrible that came out this year 2020. And for the rest of the year, I will just keep adding on to this list if I can’t finish anything else, so check back I’d say once a week, just in case. These will not be on my Top 10 Shittiest Films of the year list. My rule is, if I can’t finish a movie/TV series, I can’t review it fully or put it on a list at years end. That’s the tea, bitch. So let’s just get to it shall we before I start to go off into another rant.

SCARE PACKAGE

SCARE PACKAGE is about to be available to regular rent & buy in a week or two, after premiering on the Shudder app months ago. When I signed up for the 7 day free trial to specifically watch Host (which was half way decent) I didn’t want my free trial to go to waste, so I saw that Scare Package had released this year, and clicked the play button because the description seemed interesting in that it was basically a mini horror movie anthology wrapped around a centralized plot. Kind of like V/H/S or even the Twilight Zone movie. IMDB describes Scare Package with the following: “Chad, the owner of Rad Chad’s Horror Emporium, recounts a series of bone-chilling, blood-splattered tales to illustrate the rules of the horror genre to his newest employee.”

GOD AWFUL. I think I shut it off around minute 30-35, can’t exactly remember as it was a couple of months ago. The tales were stupid, too over-the-top, not scary, not realistic, just dumb dumb dumb fucking schlock. I think at the time I stopped it at, I got through maybe 3 to 4 tales? There was no way it was going to get any better. One of Rian Johnson’s right hand mans, Noah Segan, is in one of these and I think even wrote/directed his segment, but maybe he should just stick to do little side gigs in Johnson’s movies, because he didn’t cut it even close here quality wise (Rian’s other right hand man is Joseph Gordon-Levitt). But yeah. There isn’t much to say because I couldn’t even make it half way to the 1 hr and 47 minute run time. There was one tale with potential with trapped teenagers in a basement where the killer just won’t die and has everybody turn on one another, but the execution of it is botched horribly. I don’t even think this is one of those so bad its good films that you can make fun of during and have a good time with friends with. It was THAT bad.

2. IMPRACTICAL JOKERS: THE MOVIE

Absolutely unwatchable unless you suck the regular show’s dick on TruTV for some reason. IMPRACTICAL JOKERS: THE MOVIE should’ve been a television special film for TruTV, there is no way this should’ve been released in theaters right before COVID-19 fucked up this world. I got through about 20-25 minutes of this drivel with a short run time of an 1 hr and 32 minutes. Usually comedies are really funny at the beginning but start to peter off a little bit after the half way point. This was crickets minute one. Per IMDB, it describes this film with the following: “The story of a humiliating high school mishap from 1992 that sends the Impractical Jokers on the road competing in hidden-camera challenges for the chance to turn back the clock and redeem three of the four Jokers.”

As you can probably tell, this is like a really, really shitty, dumbed down, PG-13 version of any of the Jackass Movies or hell, even Jackass: Bad Grandpa, the former that tried to tie some kind of fake plot with the real jokes and shenanigans. With this IJ movie, I only got to one hidden-camera segment, and a third of the movie was already almost up. One of them dressed like Santa in a mall, they had an ear piece in his ear, telling him to say a bunch of goofy and weird stuff to the kids, all of it lame, none of it controversial or trying to push any boundaries, and there were absolutely no chuckles out of me. And the real life “plot” that is supposed to intersect all of these real camera jokes and shenanigans is so fucking dumb and boring, something to do with Paula Abdul and going back stage to one of her new concerts, giving them another chance after they ruined her concert in 1992? And it’s been 28 years later and she looks the exact same, no computer enhancements? Please. This was ‘shoot myself in the head to make it end’ boring and awful.

3. DOWNHILL

Was there even a script to this remake of a very popular international film that I never saw called Force Majeure? DOWNHILL is the perfect title for this film. Because even from minute one, the comedy, plot, and characters started going downhill, and kept going before I finally turned it off minute 25 out of a very short hour and 26 minute runtime. IMDB describes the film with the following: “Barely escaping an avalanche during a family ski vacation in the Alps, a married couple is thrown into disarray as they are forced to reevaluate their lives and how they feel about each other.” This is supposed to be a dark comedy…sort of…and even though I only got through the first third of the movie, I did not laugh or chuckle once, I hated the characters, the inciting incident made no sense, and it just seemed like it was all improv comedy, with no script, just an outline of scenes of what is supposed to happen, and I usually hate shit like that.

If you couldn’t stand Will Ferrell is Eurovision this year, he should probably get an Oscar for that performance as here he is unbearable, bad and boring. Just a dumb, boring, and stupid character. Julia Louis-Dreyfus isn’t any better. She looks exhausted from finishing Veep and just did this for the paycheck. She looks bored as hell here and I usually think she’s a comedic genius. Will Ferrell used to be good back in the 90s/early 2000s. The real problem with what I saw was the “script” by ACADEMY AWARD WINNERS Jim Rash and Nat Faxon, which just goes to show you that the Oscar probably should’ve went solely to Alexander Payne for The Descendants, with the other two just getting a participation pat on the back. Anybody who actually finished this movie, I feel sympathy for you.

4. BLACK IS KING

We have a record low for how long I put up with something before completely abandoning it: 8 minutes. I lasted through Beyonce’s Disney+ exclusive Black Is King for 8 excruciating minutes. IMDB’s description for this is very simple: “Visual album from Beyoncé inspired by ‘The Lion King’.” I would probably add the words self indulgent and self fulfilling before the words visual here. For the 8 weird minutes that I saw it seemed to be random colorful images of different landscapes, people, and of course, her and it was all a very off key (not singing, film wise), off plot, off centered (not the frame, the message), horribly too expressionistic and a horribly too experimental take on The Lion King. It’s so unfocused, confusing, and awkward that if you were to put someone in front of their tv to watch this and didn’t tell them shit about it, they probably wouldn’t even figure out that it was inspired by The Lion King. Instead when her husband Jay-Z shows up (I didn’t see this part, just read about it) the person watching would probably just roll their eyes and tell Beyonce to just stick to writing and singing original songs and quit this garbage. I’m doing two paragraphs with each review but with only 8 minutes, I can no longer talk about it. Nor do I want to talk about it anymore anyway.

5. SCARE ME

Oh look at what we have here, yet another Shudder original film. I think after this last 7 day free trial go around (this is my 4th), I think I’m done with Shudder. If anything were to ever be critically acclaimed and there is talk about a project possibly getting big award nominations at the end of the year, I know that after 6 months it will be rent-able and not just exclusive to the app. I stopped this right at minute 35 and what frustrates me so much is that it had so much potential in it. IMDB describes the film with the following: “During a power outage, two strangers tell scary stories. The more Fred and Fanny commit to their tales, the more the stories come to life in their Catskills cabin. The horrors of reality manifest when Fred confronts his ultimate fear.” It stars Aya Cash, who many of you know as Stormfront in Season 2 of the boys, writer/director (who’s to blame here) Josh Ruben from You’re The Worst (Aya Cash was also in that series, so I see how he probably easily roped her into this), and Chris Redd from Saturday Night Live (I did not get to Chris Redd entering the frame, but apparently he shows up an hour in). What sucks is that the stories really don’t come to life. “But Zach, how would you know this seeing as you only watched 35 minutes of the hour and 42 minute movie?” It’s because I went to an ‘Endings Explained’ website and I read what happened from when I stopped watching all the way to the end credits.

Nothing really happens until the last 20 minutes of the movie and what does happen is just slasher film cliched bullshit wrapped around and obscuring an interesting message about feminism vs. masculinity. The whole film is either Fred telling un-scary tales to Fanny, while she’s just looking at him making facial expressions and interjecting how his stories don’t make any sense and he is up on his feet doing motions and making some cool sound effects. Then when she’s telling her tales, it’s just vice versa. What the movie really needed was A. A MUCH Bigger Budget and B. Scenes that SHOW the tales the characters are telling. Again, this is a tell and no show problem. Always show, not tell, and when your budget is limited to telling, maybe turn your screenplay into a short story or novel instead. Sure, when he’s telling his werewolf story it shows a cool and creepy werewolf hand outstretched in the shadows (that’s about it visually with showing any of the monsters in their stories) and the film’s sound effects are tight. And sure, Aya Cash tries to liven up her tales with her lively personality (she is absolutely not at fault here), but without scenes edited into their narration showing what they are telling, actually making a scary anthology movie type thing…the interesting message that lay at the heart of the movie (which again, I didn’t get to it, I just read about it) isn’t earned in the slightest.

P.S. I saw all of these at home, but if I were to pay to watch them in a theater, I would’ve probably walked out, these were THAT bad. I hardly ever stop watching or walk out of anything…I guess 2020 has changed me in that regard with all the bullshit we’ve gotten this year. Anyway, I’ll add to the list if there are anymore. Check back, but I wouldn’t say check back often.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX (Netflix)

Yes, VAMPIRES VS. THE BRONX is a real Netflix original movie, but no, the movie isn’t as fun and schlocky as it sounds, and that is part of its problem. With a title like this one, or Snakes On A Plane, or Sharknado, you either go full fun, non-scary, dumb yet entertaining schlock, or you go home. This movie tries to be too The Lost Boys or Blade, and in doing so, doesn’t even get close to replicating their classic magic, and so this films title doesn’t live up to what is seemingly promised. This movie is too tonally in the middle of all those movies I just mentioned, which in turn makes it a cookie cutter, run of the mill, PG-13, bloodless, ho-hum, lame, by the numbers, assembly line product you’ve already seen and rejected before. I should’ve expected it though. The marketing for it, which little there was, only started the week before this film premiered, the trailer was bland, and the poster for it is one of the worst photo shopped shitty pieces of art that I’ve ever seen in my life. However, after watching the whole thing, it is not one of the worst films of the year. It’s just…there…and in about a week will be lost with all the other standard stuff that Netflix keeps rolling out each and every week. It’s frustrating because this film does show a lot of promise as I laughed out loud at some of the jokes, the film even has some familiar faces in it and everybody involved seemed like they wanted to be there. But it didn’t go where it needed to go to be a memorable schlocky romp that I was hoping it was going to be. It’s as if you opened up a coffin in a scary castle, saw the most vicious looking vampire you have ever seen in your life and they suddenly open their eyes. Yet it somehow isn’t intimidating to you, so you yawn, close the coffin, walk away and the son of a bitch doesn’t even have the audacity to try and chase you down and drink your blood.

Per IMDB, it describes this movie as: “A group of young friends from the Bronx fight to save their neighborhood from gentrification…and vampires.” It’s a simple description, yet reading between the lines it teases something that could be quite special. I was expecting it say something about race, gentrification, and middle-class. In a nutshell, I was expecting it to poke fun at white people. I mean, not that this really is a spoiler, but the heroes and good guys in this are African-American kids, their parents, and the community around them…and the vampires are all white for goodness sake. Surely the film would play with that and say several somethings about that scenario to its advantage, but other than one gangster pulling out a gun and calling one of the vampire’s ‘Hamilton’ because of its git-up, there are no really no other solid or smart jokes that cater to what the film might be trying to get at. In the end, there wasn’t enough tonal focus for me to even say with any complete confidence if the film even truly had a message buried deep down inside it, because it was all over the place tonally. There is a small fun scene, that only lasts less than 20 seconds, of our heroes stocking up on vampire hunting gear that was interesting, such as filling water balloons with holy water, but that kind of goofy fun (it reminded me of writer/director Edgar Wright and his ‘getting ready close up quick shots’) was short lived nor was it done as often as it should have. And there is only one funny vampire kill. That just cannot be in a film titled Vampires Vs. The Bronx. Not to mention all the kills are bloodless, off camera, and if a vampire does get killed we get that shitty disintegrating CGI that makes Blade’s seem as though it should’ve been nominated for an Oscar in special effects.

I hardly blame the direction, it’s completely the screenplay. The movie looks and feels like a movie, as director Osmany Rodriguez keeps shots somewhat dark in tone, and even in the daylight there was a gritty feel to the cinematography. I kind of dug the look of everything. The screenplay is co-written by him, but the other writer is a white guy. Remember how some of you felt that Antebellum or Green Book was inauthentic because a writer/co-writer/director was white? Same thing here, and I think that this Blaise Hemingway…who co-wrote Uglydolls and the awful Playmobile: The Movie mind you, should’ve taken a story by credit and handed the script fully to Osmany or another writer for a full rewrite. The familiar faces, Sarah Gadon, Shea Whigham, Method Man, and a glorified cameo from Zoe Saldana, look like they are having fun and want to be there, and the 4 hero kids definitely look like they want to be there and are having fun, but the final product doesn’t match their enthusiasm. The vampires come off as really stupid, and not in a fun, smart and jokingly way either. The action is tepid, there are no scares, tension, or any build up, and there is definitely not that much character development. I would even go to say that there were way too many characters for that given that it clocks in at only an hour and 25 minutes. Not really any plot arcs for any of them other than them telling the adults “told you so.” This film should’ve been about half an hour longer and taken its time getting to its revelations. The kids find out about the vampires not more than 15 minutes into this. In the end though, the most offensive thing about this movie is it’s title. It should’ve been titled something such as Bronx Nights or Blood Of The Bronx or it could have even sort of stolen Wes Craven’s shitty, mid-90s Eddie Murphy film and have it be called Vampires In The Bronx. Sorry, this movie does not earn the v or the s.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: AMERICAN MURDER – THE FAMILY NEXT DOOR (Netflix)

AMERICAN MURDER: THE FAMILY NEXT DOOR is a chilling documentary that has no voice overs, no interviews filmed specifically for the doc, it is an hour and 23 minutes of perfectly edited footage from Shanann Watts Facebook posts, texts between her and her friends, and footage we’ve seen on You Tube coming from police body cams and the Chris Watts interrogation cameras at the station. It was just released on Netflix a couple of days ago and it rushed to the #1 spot on Netflix’s Top Ten List immediately. Per IMDB: “In 2018, 38-year-old Shanann Watts and her two youngest daughters disappeared in Colorado. With the heartbreaking details emerging, the family’s story made headlines around the world.” If you live under a bridge, and weren’t watching the news at the time (it was everywhere btw) I’m about to give a big hefty spoiler ending with what happened because I have to explain the outcome of the case to effectively review this documentary. In the end, it reveals that the husband, Chris Watts, killed all three of them (Shanann was also pregnant at the time, so really 4 people) for absolutely no reason other than he was cheating on her and wanted a new life. There is footage of him blatantly lying to police when they are asking him questions and searching his house and he even has the gall to take a fucking lie detector test to try and prove his innocence. Chris Watts is a fucking monster and how he thought he could get away with it, I don’t think we’ll ever know. The fact that this documentary is as haunting as it is and is able to display the facts without any voice overs or new interview footage shot specifically for this film is unbelievable.

This is one of the hardest documentaries I have ever had to watch, as anger seeped through me, especially when it kept coming back to the fact that he killed is two very lovely young daughters and didn’t shed a tear for them until he got caught. In all the footage he looks like he’s a empty shell of a human being. The point of the documentary was to basically show the naysayers that kept victim blaming and saying that maybe Shanann drove Chris over the edge really are that stupid. She did nothing wrong. I know a lot of people have two different personalities, one on social media, and one in person, but all of her posts, texts, what have you in this doc, showed her as a deeply compassionate, loving and caring mother. And that this asshole son of a bitch deserved the three life sentences that eventually get sentenced upon him. The documentary is not too long, it is crisp and tight in what it is trying to say. It doesn’t show any bodies or anything but this is definitely not for the faint of heart or those that get their blood pumping easily from awful tragedies such as this. This is going to be a short review, as all I can comment on is how awful this story is but how well made the documentary is. If I went into specifics, it would just depress and anger me further. However, I haven’t seen director Jenny Popplewell’s other docs, but after this I might search for a couple to see if they are expertly made as this one was. So if you are strong minded, I recommend giving this a watch, as it is a different type of documentary that will have your eyes glued to the screen, and not falling asleep and losing interest like those Unsolved Mystery documentaries that have bland narration and are on the same streaming platform.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BOYS IN THE BAND (Netflix)

Well, I can guarantee you one thing, there will be no other program this year that will have as many penises and man’s asses as this movie does! THE BOYS IN THE BAND is a film that just premiered on Netflix that is based off the 1968 play and the 1970 feature film of the same name. It’s a pure conversational dialogue movie, meaning that there are basically two main rooms characters talk and the story of the lives and tribulations of the characters are told through word and description. So if you snooze at anything Tarantino, and didn’t like Fences, or fuck, if you just don’t like going to and watching plays, this film probably isn’t for you. Also, if you don’t like or uncomfortable around gay people, you might not like this either, but it’s 2020, get with the program please. Luckily, I am a dialogue connoisseur and will take in all genres of different things, and I also do not care who anyone identifies as or who anybody loves either. Frankly I’m a little puzzled at why some bigots care so much. Per IMDB, it describes this iteration of The Boys In The Band as: “At a birthday party in 1968 New York, a surprise guest and a drunken game leave seven gay friends reckoning with unspoken feelings and buried truths.” The movie, mostly, takes place all at this birthday party, in a cozy small New York apartment. The dialogue is fast and furious, a la Gilmore Girls, however the movie slows it down a bit in those small and intimate moments where an important point is being made. And while I’ve never seen an iteration of the play or the 1970 William Friedkin film, I quite enjoyed this version, as the characters and dialogue kept my interest throughout the entire 2 hour run time. Makes me want to watch Freidkin’s film now, considering the other things he’s directed, such as The Exorcist and The French Connection.

Let’s just get this out of the way, I’m a heterosexual, so I probably didn’t get some of the inside jokes that I would know if I was gay, but I got the jist and most of everything else, and the film got me pretty emotional thinking about what gay people must’ve been going through not just in 1968, but today as well. Doing some research, back in that time when the play and movie premiered not too long after one another, a lot of people in the gay community were as horrified by the depiction of the life that might befall them and that it did a lot of harm to gay people rather than good. Some didn’t like it because they thought both the play and the movie portrayed a group of gay men wallowing in self-pity, with no redeeming qualities and not a likable character among them. I happen to disagree. The characters have their flaws but they all seem good at heart and the only unlikable character happens to be the straight man that invites himself to the party. And if you pay attention to the film closely, read between some of the lines if you will, I think the movie says what it needed to say rather subtly more than just conking you on the head over and over again, which I appreciated. What is said is rather important and heartbreaking, but it needs to be heard. Still does today. I guess Michael, played here by Jim Parsons, could be considering unlikable based on the game he makes the party guests play in the second half of the film, however if you look at it in a different light, he’s screaming out for help. They all are.

The acting in this is fantastic. The faces you will know are Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory), Zachary Quinto (Heroes, Star Trek) and Matt Bomer (White Collar). Not just those three, but everyone does a great job here. The best performance is easily Parsons, who I finally saw as playing an actual different character that wasn’t just another iteration of Sheldon Cooper (he says the non fuck f word a shit ton here and even says ‘cunt’ several times, things that Cooper wouldn’t even think of saying). I loved how in those two hours you felt like you really got to know every party guest there, their feelings, their longing desires, their secrets, and what the rest of their lives might hold in store for them. Some of it is loving, some of it is heartbreaking, some of it is frightening, but none of it is uninteresting. The dialogue flies off the tongue, some of it so fast you might have to do a double take and rewind a couple of times just so you can digest all that was said. Unfortunately it is the actors that make the movie their own and not combined with the direction. The director, Joe Mantello, who I’m not familiar with, is definitely an actor’s director, but did nothing to extinguish himself visually. It all felt like a point and shoot affair that could’ve been done by anybody that knows how to work a camera and can get along with anybody. Then again, maybe this movie didn’t have to have a visual flair, seeing that it is basically just a play, and when you go to a play, you are doing the pointing and shooting with your eyes and ears. If you’ve never seen a version of this movie or the play, this is a pretty well done starter experience for you. Just expect to see a bunch of man ass and penises, something I don’t think was present in the 1970 movie nor the 1968 play. If that bothers you, I don’t know what to say. Grow up, maybe?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MOST DANGEROUS GAME (Quibi)

Unlike the shit show last night during the debate, Quibi’s MOST DANGEROUS GAME is certainly not a shit show. In fact, it takes The Stranger’s place as being my favorite thing I’ve watched on this quirky little app to date. I’m starting to come around on Quibi as I’m finding more and more things on there that peak my interest. Thank God it’s free or I never would’ve discovered it. And no, I’m not a fucking shill, it’s just that all three webisode series I’ve watched, I’ve been constantly entertained, even when the content was only okay (The Fugitive). Sometimes much more entertaining than a lot of the stuff Netflix just sputters out every day. Yes, yet again I’m reviewing this as a movie than a webisode TV series. Especially Most Dangerous Game, as it is easily the best shot, best looking, best acted, and most cinematic of the three that I’ve blazed through. It has a fantastic performance by Christoph Waltz, who was nominated for a supporting Emmy for this (when doesn’t he get nominated though?), and probably the best performance of Liam Hemsworth’s career, yes, he can do more than just look wooden during The Hunger Games (even though this is similar to those movies, kind of, he even cries in this and is believable!). I was unbelievably entertained by this and would even watch it again down the line, presuming that Quibi is still here in six months and my free subscription doesn’t completely go to waste.

I’m not telling you to get Quibi to watch this shit, I’m just saying if you happen to have it, you might want to give these webisodes a shot. Most Dangerous Game is basically a modern version of The Most Dangerous Game with several twists. Per IMDB, it describes these webisodes as: “Desperate to take care of his pregnant wife before a terminal illness can take his life, Dodge Maynard accepts an offer to participate in a deadly game where he soon discovers that he’s not the hunter – but the prey.” He has to survive a full 24 hours, stay in Detroit, and follow a whole list of rules that could get him disqualified. Money is deposited into his bank account every hour, and if he survives the whole night, he gets 24.5 million. If this were a movie that actually debuted in theaters, it would’ve been a wonderful little treat. And not that expensive as well. For as low budget as these Quibi webisodes are…they are wonderfully cinematic in scope sometimes (not so much The Fugitive). They all play out like a very enjoyable 90 minute to 2 hr film when put all together. Maybe if Quibi is sold whoever buys it up will release them as films? That remains to be seen. But this one was a true winner. It was tense as fuck, the action was half way decent, the acting was serious yet fun, and it was also fun trying to identify the 5 hunters after Hemsworth, even though they were easily identifiable.

Christoph Waltz is in this much more than you would think and while we’ve seen him excellently play a villain and excellently play a sympathetic character (he won Oscars for both), here we get to see him play a morally grey one, which he of course pulls off in spades. Everybody here seemed like they wanted to be in this, and not just for a paycheck. The 5 hunters, who I won’t spoil who they are but one or two of them might have a recognizable face to you, are quirky yet dangerous. I really enjoyed the big warehouse climax yet also enjoyed the smaller and more intimate moments. Sarah Gadon, who plays Hemsworth’s wife in this, isn’t just a ignorant character, but actually goes about to try and find her husband in the correct ways once he disappears. It’s just a well made tight thriller, the only thing hampering it from its true potential are ad breaks and the cuts to black after each ‘webisode.’ This one was also created by Nick Santora, who did The Fugitive (review was posted yesterday), but you could tell his heart was more into this one, as it shows in the meticulous quality of the production. I would like to see more of these “hunt” games with Christoph Waltz coming back to play the host, but let’s face it, Quibi’s in trouble and there probably won’t be any follow ups to this. But maybe that is a good thing as more of the same could screw up the charm that this one has. It’s sad that the most dangerous game for Quibi is getting more subscribers…but you can’t win them all. At least it has a winner or two on the inside.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE FUGITIVE (Quibi)

Yet another Quibi mini webisode television series that if put all together would be a 90 minute to 2 hr movie (closer to 1 hr 45 here). So that means yet another review from me treating it as a movie and not a webisode series. I didn’t think I’d watch anything else on my free 6 month subscription, however I forgot about this little remake that stars Kiefer Sutherland basically playing a toned down Jack Bauer with an in and out southern accent. Which is kind of funny because most of this plays out in real time. It’s like Quibi almost got the rights to 24, but then it slipped through their fingers at the last minute (evidence of this later)? But the real question should be: Do we honestly need yet ANOTHER iteration of The Fugitive? I mean, if you popped the Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones classic into your media player nowadays it still holds up tremendously (it was rightfully nominated for Best Picture as well back in 1993). And didn’t we have a remake tv series not too long ago that stumbled and fell right out of the gate? So why again? Because Quibi needed some kind of content and everyone is out of original ideas? That’s probably always going to be my go to answer for the rest of 2020: that everyone is out of original ideas but when Christopher Nolan comes along and makes a unique blockbuster spy adventure everyone is scared to go to a theater because of a dumb virus that 99% of the world’s population survives even if exposed to said virus. Pfffft. This remake remake remake shit is all on some of you cowards (ranting again I know, I’m just passionate about movie theaters).

Anyway, is this reiteration of The Fugitive any good? Kind of. Yes and no. Do the mini webisodes with constant ads, starts and stops, stop it from being decently good? Absolutely. Does calling this ‘The Fugitive also stop it from being decently good? Abso-fucking-lutely. If this were a movie with no stops and recurring ads of any kind, it would be a very decent one time watch. Other than that it is entirely forgettable, The Stranger on the same service being more worth your time (I reviewed that last week). I guess you could call this go around more relatable to our times as both Kiefer Sutherland’s police squad and the news rush to conclusions and put out ‘fake’ news about our main protagonists character, instead of taking a breather to analyse all the facts. Per IMDB, it describes this The Fugitive iteration as: “With the city in a state of panic and misinformation traveling at the speed of social media, Mike’s life and family hang in the balance as he becomes – The Fugitive.” The city of Los Angeles is in a state of panic because a bomb just exploded in the rail system, and cameras happened to record this Mike character on his phone in a black hoodie while exiting (the real bomber is wearing a black hoodie just like his coincidentally). The reason they jump to this Mike so fast is because he got out of jail 6 months ago because he was involved in a DUI accident that left two people dead…but of course the movie reveals all is not what it seems. This was just so that Mike can be a very, very innocent character everyone can relate to. You can’t have any dark spots character guy, it’s either you are completely innocent after 2017 #MeToo or you are guilty for life! Boyd Holbrook (Logan, The Predator) does his best as Mike, the totally innocent man on the run, but I mean, how hard is it to look exasperated and talk in frantic tones while you are running?

What we really need to talk about here is my theory that this was supposed to be a 24 sequel/prequel but Quibi couldn’t get the rights. Kiefer Sutherland’s character works for the CTB here, Counter Terrorist Bureau, instead of the Counter Terrorist Unit, which was what it was called on the program he is most famous for. He yells the way Jack Bauer does when stressed here, but add on more realistic curse words and a comes-and-goes southern accent just so that Fox/Disney wouldn’t sue. Most of the events play out in real time. His wife in this is said to have been killed in the terrorist attacks of 9/11…Teri Bauer was killed at the end of season one of 24 by a terrorist, which coincidentally, the show premiered in 2001. The director of this entire series, Stephen Hopkins, was executive producer and even directed episodes of…you guessed it…24. The numbers add up. I just ended up pretending he was Jack Bauer and that he had somehow escaped his capture from Russia, headed back to the US under a different guise or went into witness protection and somehow still got a job working for the new organization CTB that rose from the ashes of CTU. The only thing that was really missing here was a mole, ha! (inside TV series joke). If they had gotten the right this could’ve been called 24: Fugitive or something like that. Anyway, the acting is fine for what it is, and this movie/webisode show somehow didn’t just keep hitting you over the head with fake news/police incompetence messages, it was more subtle than just yelling in your face of how and why this show is timely. And anything that has Glenn Howerton, Dennis from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, in it gets a pass in my book, especially if he isn’t playing his character from his show. Which he wasn’t.

You get your cheese-y one liners here, Jack Bauer…err I mean, Kiefer’s characters has this whole dorky thing of getting his fellow officers below him to say, “Copy, sir!” which in turn, too many times to be honest, he replies with, “Music to my ears.” The action and running are fine for what it is, the direction is adequate, and to be honest, I was entertained for the short 14, 7 to 9 minute, “webisodes.” This would’ve worked better as a television movie no doubt. Other than calling this show The Fugitive, my one other complaint is that it seems like the real villain comes off as really stupid all at once, as Mike puts together what he saw when trying to help victims after the bombing before he was chased off by the police, combined with the fact that the villain stupidly reveals himself to Mike when if he would’ve just stayed silent it he would’ve gotten away with it. And then at one point Mike leads the cops to the real villain’s house and the evidence of the bombing is just laid out all on the table. A little too many plot conveniences just to move the story along wouldn’t you say? But hey, people get caught all the time for stupid shit that they do in the real world so who am I to say? None of this surprises me seeing as the main writer and creator of this revitalization is Nick Santora, who is executive producer and writer on other plot convenience shows (yet I still watched them and love them still to this day) such as Prison Break, Vegas, Law & Order, and Breakout Kings. He’s just going by formula and when a paycheck comes your way once you get that formula still going like clockwork, can you really blame the guy? So, before I’m caught ranting again, I’ll run out of this review by saying this is a half way decent entertaining one time watch, but forgettable as convicted small time con artists.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: JURASSIC WORLD – CAMP CRETACEOUS

How…in the Jurassic Park…can a young adult animated television show be better than the 3rd movie in the original trilogy and the abysmal Fallen Kingdom of the new trilogy? How? I mean, the first several episodes of JURASSIC WORLD: CAMP CRETACEOUS have kind of a “we’ve seen it all before” meh set up…yet still surprisingly serviceable…yet once it hits that halfway point, the story really takes off. And once you realize that this show is actually canon and takes place a little before, mostly during, and a little after the first Jurassic World, somehow…this show found a way…to become masterful. Especially episodes 4 – 8 and especially especially the last 3. THIS should’ve been the live action 2 to 2 and a half hour SIDEQUEL we should’ve gotten in 2018, and not the awful, just awful Fallen Kingdom sequel that became so dumb and stupid during the 2nd half, with that dinosaurs run amok in a mansion subplot, that I wanted a Velociraptor to gouge my eyes out with that foot toe claw of theirs. And this show isn’t really for kids, kids, people die and get eaten (mostly off screen though, they aren’t that bold with a YA show), and I even thought some parts had quite the ramp-ed up tension and were a little scary for some. We watched all 8 episodes in a day. I loved it, my wife loved it, and my little boy loved it, so I thought I’d do a little review for you all since it is something great that is streaming that can pass a little bit of time by. Especially when you aren’t watching your favorite sports team lose in what I wouldn’t count as a real championship even if they did win because of all the factors that are being attributed to this blurry and confusing year.

**WARNING: GIANT RANT OF ME SHITTING ON SPORTS** Yeah, that’s right. I hate sports right now and I’m going to stand on my shoe box for a moment or two to scream out my frustrations. You all need to get out of your fucking shells and go and see something in the theater. It doesn’t even need to be Tenet, just support your local theater so I…errr I mean we, can get our new blockbusters back and ready to roll with no more bullshit fear mongering delays. I, and many others, are burnt out of this fucking virus, and in my opinion, it isn’t fair that you little sports freaks are still getting new games to watch every week. The numbers of positive cases have to be skewed at this point. Whether it is democrats trying to fear monger until the election for votes against Trump or republicans for some other agenda, this virus went completely political since week 1 and I’m tired of fucking hearing about it. I’m tired of the pointing fingers. The ones that are still gung-ho about not leaving their bubble, I’m tired of hearing that you get to watch your fucking sports in the comfort of your own home. I don’t give a shit if you can’t physically go to the games, you are still getting new shit to watch and, when you win, good new shit to watch. So in the meantime I refuse to watch or be in the same room where sports are being viewed by your morons that feel “safe” and secure at home. Go out, wear a mask, physically distance, and see a movie. These theaters aren’t God damn petri dishes where you are guaranteed to get the virus. They have good ventilation with fantastic air filters and wonderful cleaning protocols. Fuck you sports and leave your home assholes. **END OF GIANT SPORTS SUCK MY ASSHOLE RANT**

**slaps my own face** Where were we? Ah yes, this wonderful little 8 episode Jurassic World tv show. Yeah, it’s pretty damn good. Per IMDB, the show is described as follows: “Six teens attending an adventure camp on the opposite side of Isla Nublar must band together to survive when dinosaurs wreak havoc on the island.” The animation is solid, the voice casting is superb, and it even has emotional and investing side plots that are more than just running away from dinosaurs and trying to survive. The main protagonist, Darius, has flashbacks to when he was wanting to visit the park when it eventually opened with his Dad, who was on his deathbed with cancer and one of the other teens may or not be working for a rival company to InGen. The first one made me shed a couple of tears and I found the second to be an interesting twist I didn’t see coming. I even tried to predict a conventional ending, seeing as this took place during and would end just a little bit after the first Jurassic World movie, but the show again surprises by being unconventional and warranting what I’m sure will be a green lit season 2, seeing as this has been in the top ten Netflix list ever since all episodes were available starting September 18th. I mentioned earlier how this should’ve been the live action SIDE-quel (meaning it takes place during the events of the first film but still was released after it) and not Fallen Kingdom. I stand by that statement.Look, I know that the filmmakers don’t want to get rid of the star power of Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, but sometimes, creatively, you need to look elsewhere or otherwise you are just going end up with the same old shit, and if it isn’t the same old shit, it might be some weird new shit that people will find too…awkward (aka the whole second half of that movie).

But this should be something to tide us all over nicely until we get to the third movie that is expected to come out next summer (crossing fingers, fuck you COVID). The ending action scene is quite simple and compact, it takes place inside a closed dock tunnel. And it actually made me say “whoa” a couple of times to the places it went. Two episodes before that, the movie takes a breather for character development and has the teens talk on a monorail for a bit (followed by a harrowing, emotional, and riveting action sequence of course). I was quite surprised by this development…as I figure a lot young adults have ADD and sometimes for them, it just has to be “action now now now, and lots of it or I’ll get bored.” Clearly these show runners were wanting something more. Or it could just be the fact that I heard that Steven Spielberg himself was creatively in the development for this show more than he normally would’ve been and said it shouldn’t be dumb-ed down and too “kiddie.” Boy I wish he was more hands on with Fallen Kingdom and hope that he is for next year’s Dominion. Any little bit helps and makes a difference it seems. I think everybody involved with this show needs to get some sort big credit. It’s not every day that you make an animated television show that is canon to the live action movies and is better than some of them. This series had me roaring for more, and with several juicy cliffhangers, I think it’s safe to say that the series to be renewed should be a walk in the park for Netflix.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LAST SHIFT

THE LAST SHIFT has one of those messages we’ve seen many times before in movies: what are you going to do with your life before it’s too late and you waste your potential? Depending on your age, is it ever too late to change? The only reason this “one time watch” movie worked for me is because of the performances, especially Richard Jenkins, who just left a bad taste in my mouth in the overrated and awful Kajillionaire before this. A big 3rd act incident happens near the end of the movie that doesn’t quite make sense in normal human logic, but that would be my only other complaint other than the familiarity of it all. This is one of those movies, that back in the 90s/early 2000s if you found on a movie channel at one in the morning, while sober, with a midnight homemade or fast food snack in hand, you’d probably watch until it was done at three am. “That was nice but I probably wouldn’t seek out to watch it again.” That kind of feeling. IMDB’s log line summary for the film is as follows: “Stanley’s last shift at his fast food job takes an unexpected turn.” Sigh, come on IMDB, what am I going to do with you? Stanley has been working at this chicken and fish place called Oscar’s for the past 38 years and he wants to move his mother out of the home his brother and him put her in and do something more with the last remaining years of his life. So he needs to train his replacement before he goes, a mild slacker named Javon, who may or may not end up teaching Stanley and/or himself that expectations are overrated and you are just going to walk the same path eventually that you try to divert from, depending on who you are and the color of your skin.

That’s the movie in a nutshell. The film mostly takes place inside the restaurant, with a couple of late shift shenanigans and weird and asshole customers. If you want a straight up comedy in this vein just stick to Waiting… which just hit Netflix this weekend. Their conversations inside the fast food joint are about life that feel realistic and don’t get too preachy. Married With Children and Modern Family’s Ed O’Neil is a supporting player in this, providing some comic relief and also there to get away with saying the R word that you barely have heard in movies this past decade. But it’s the Richard Jenkins and Shane Paul McGhie show here, as their performances make the movie. Jenkins plays an actual a character in this, unlike he empty shell in this week’s Kajillionaire. And McGhie plays a unique slacker with a hidden heart of gold. It takes a pro to pull off that kind of character and it seemed to just come naturally to this new big screened talent. Looking up writer/director Andrew Cohn, this seems to be his first big screen venture, as his career is filled mostly with nonfiction documentary and documentary shorts. I’d say this is an about average is not a little above, fictional big screen debut for him. He seems to possess the traits of a good actor’s director…but maybe he should direct someone else’s screenplay. A minor spoiler, but one of the two gets into a bit of trouble in their job near the end of the movie, and the rational and thought of the district manager I thought was a bit bullshit and unrealistic for the kind of situation that presented itself, especially if you factor in the color of both her and Javon’s skin and Stanley’s situation. Surely the catalyst to the climax could’ve been handled better. But hey, I laughed and was entertained throughout the nice, tight and short 90 minute run time. I am also quite happy that my last new movie viewing this weekend was in a theater and wasn’t a terrible piece of shit streaming film like Kajillionaire or the Secret Society of Second Born Royals, so there’s that.