BRAD’S STATUS is a quirky little dramedy that is one of Ben Stiller’s best performances and decent movies in awhile. It is also screenwriter’s Mike White’s best film in awhile too, considering that I hated the film that he wrote earlier this year called Beatriz at Dinner. In fact I related to this film quite a bit, not that I’m having a mid life crisis or anything. But the movie gives certain thoughts to, what is it to be successful? Does money make us successful or is it who we are, or a little bit of both? What do we truly value? Granted many films have done this, and to judge a film like this now you would have to consider the journey and the way the film tells the message. And for the most part it does a really good job.

I’m not saying this film is a masterpiece, far from it, but it is a very very good Netflix watch. The film is about a dad, played by Stiller, who takes his 17 year old son to college campus’s including Harvard, seeing where his musical prodigy son would like to go. Along the way he has a minor mid life crisis, finding out who is really is, what friendship truly is, and what is his purpose. The film, throughout the whole thing, has a very calm and insightful narration by Ben Stiller that really drives the movie. If it didn’t have it I don’t know if the movie would’ve been as good. The conversations that Stiller has with his wife, son, himself, and others feel real, and feel like we could be having them with the people we know, which is always a good thing in any movie.

Throughout the film, Stiller wonders why he isn’t as successful as his successful and rich friends played by Michael Sheen, Luke Wilson, Mike White, and Jermaine Clement. All of these roles are mostly glorified cameos, but each does a good job with what they are given, especially Luke Wilson who has displayed more emotion in a phone call with Stiller than he has in his last 5 films. The one that gets the short straw is Jenna Fischer, however not because of her performance, which I have a feeling that if it were expanded she’d be the most interesting character in the film, it’s because she isn’t given that much to do. Which is a shame because I really like Pam and think she could do great things beyond The Office.

The films is short, just over 95 minutes, and doesn’t overstay its welcome. It doesn’t try to wrap everything up in a nice bow either, which I usually always appreciate. I wouldn’t buy this at all, however I would put it as background noise again, or watch it again with someone that actually is having a mid life crisis, and whose life isn’t so bad as they think it is. So the status of this film for me? Good. And sometimes good is all you need.

The first thirty minutes of THE LEGO NINJAGO MOVIE plays out like The Lego Movie and The Lego Batman Movie. Zany fun, with some dry humor, huge sight and sound gags, and very smart storytelling. Then when that thirty minutes is over, it skids into a tad boring film that is less about ninjas and what they do into a cliched parent neglect and redemption story. A story you’ve seen a thousand times before done by better films. If the Lego humor was still there, it could’ve worked, but ultimately, it was a little disappointing. I think if it would’ve entirely focused on Ninjas with an actual Ninja like storyline, instead of the father son thing while trying to take over a city, it might’ve been another Lego hit. Instead, it is my least favorite of the Lego movies, and one that will probably never enter the Blu ray player again. But I have a kid now so I might have just eaten my words in three years.

The voice acting in this is incredible though. Dave Franco and his team of Ninjas played by the likes of Abba Jacobson and Kumail Nanjiani, all do great work in this. So does Olivia Munn as Lloyd’s mom and Jackie Chan (who is in the flesh here as well and is just as charming as ever) as their Ninja master. But it is the villain, Garmadon, voiced by Justin Theoroux, who steals absolutely every scene he is in, making the best Lego villain yet, unfortunately in a film that doesn’t equal the characters potential. It is the voice acting and the first 30 minutes, especially with a awesome cat gag, that save this movie from ultimately being completely boring and unwatchable.

When a movie is called Ninjago, I expected an awesome Ninja storyline with Ninja sights, sounds, and gags filling every minute of the screen. They still could’ve put the dad and son storyline in the movie, but it be a Plot B type of thing while have a Ninja quest plot A.  But it focuses too much on the dad and son storyline, and I knew how it was going to end, and even the journey to get there was not inventive enough, leaving me unimpressed. Plus, this needed more Jackie Chan. The Lego animation is still incredible here, but the humor after the first 30 minutes kind of disappears and the movie plays it too straight. It should be 100% zany Lego fun. Not 35%.

Hopefully this is just a misfire all the franchises have and they take their time making The Lego Movie 2. I feel like Ninjago might’ve been a rushed product after the success of the original first movie, and rushed it into production without much of a script. Since the first two movies were so enjoyable, I can let this one slide. But if the next movie almost puts me to sleep, there could be fast franchise fatigue on Lego’s hands. The saddest part of this film? I probably would’ve rather watched a kid play an hour and 30 minutes with his Lego’s than have ever watched this. This should not happen.

 

Did mother! leave a lot of bad tastes in critics mouths where the toxic waste from the film last week carried over into their screening of KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE? I mean, these reviews from mainstream “critics” are confusing to say the least. Not that they truly hated it but a lot of people are automatically giving this thing sequelitis and calling it ‘meh.’ I personally loved it. I thought it was fun, entertaining, and has extreme rewatch value, just like the first movie. Is it better than the first movie? Of course not, but just like 22 Jump Street, it came extremely close. You can’t go wrong if you are looking for an adult action entertaining romp where its long 2 hour and 20 minute runtime is done within a snap of your fingers.

Not that I don’t have some complaints about the film. For instance, Matthew Vaughn tries too hard to duplicate the church scene from the first film in every single action scene in this one. A lot of the CGI location shot look kind of phony and some of the scenes go so over to the top bordering on cartoonish. And the fact that they bring back Colin Firth from the dead was a little bit weird and wrong. Colin Firth dying in the first film was a huge shocker that took the movie in an unexpected direction and this movie undoing his death to me was sort of a cheat. Granted they do make up for it by doing multiple expected deaths in this film, but none of them truly hit home like the first one did. But Colin Firth is so good in this series and the reason why he is still alive makes sense in the bigger picture so all that was completely forgiven quickly.

Especially since this sequel was so much fun. Taron Egerton as Eggsy is as great as ever, I can’t believe he isn’t a big star yet. I loved the fact that he and the anal Princess from the first film were still together in a very committed relationship. Their story arc was really cute here. Mark Strong, just like Colin Firth, is the heart of the series here too. Even though Channing Tatum and Jeff Bridges aren’t in the film all that much they are really good here. Hopefully we see Tatum in the third film more. Halle Berry was good. And a lot of critics didn’t like her, but I loved Julianne Moore as the villain Poppy. I thought she played it to her strengths making the character quirky, weird, yet ruthless. And I loved her evil lair. Definitely as memorable as Samuel L. Jackson as Valentine from the first film. Unfortunately she doesn’t have a memorable sidekick like Sofia Boutella was with her sword legs in the previous film.

And uh, yeah singer Elton John is in this film and he is the funniest and best part about it. Just something about a celebrity you don’t see cursing much, cursing is hilarious to me. I don’t know why. The action I thought was kinetic, and even though each scene tried to replicate the church scene from the first, I was highly entertained and was never bored with it. The plot is better left unsaid, but while highly predictable was also unique and fun.

I really loved Kingsman 2. Just like the first film I feel like I could watch this over and over again. Was highly entertained and that’s really all I ask sometimes with the movies that I go and see. There is a balance to the force in movies I think. You get really really really shitty film like mother! (yes, I’m still on that, the whole damn movie was do you get it? No? Well let me shove you obvious bullshit in your face for you to get it) and then movies like this come out the next or same week where it completely lets you just get lost in what you came to see. Where mother! is the disease, Kingsman The Golden Circle was definitely the cure.

REVISED: Wrote this review originally last weekend but website was down. Thought about the movie even more (I guess that was the point?) and have added just a few more coherent thought about why all the allegory, symbolism, ideals stuff didn’t work for me

I saw mother! yesterday and have had more time to think about the film with all its allegory cocktails, symbolism surprises, and imagery ice cream sundaes, and I still fucking hate the movie. Sorry, it just isn’t for me. If you like bullshit by Terrence Malick or Paul Thomas Anderson, this film is right up your alley. Now if this was a Paul Thomas Anderson movie, you’d be reading this saying, “well no shit Sherlock, the only thing you marginally have liked of his was Boogie Nights, you are completely biased.” Well yes, to him I am. I think PTA ruins everything he touches. *shrugs* But this is Darren Aronofsky, and I have liked every single one of this films (yes, including Pi), except for The Fountain, which I didn’t really hate, but I thought it was an ambitious failed attempt at creating something artistic and unique while also catering to my cinematic senses. mother! is just bullshit at every twist and turn. It’s one of those many, what I like to call “artsy fartsy” films, that fail to grab me narratively, coherently, or sanely but at the same time it is beautifully shot and acted. Beautiful nasty, garbage that completely falls out of its stinky bin and all over the pavement and your shoes in it’s bizarre third act. An insane twisted sadistic third act where a truly messed up event happens that effected me personally, where I just wanted to get up and leave the theater. But I implore you, it wasn’t the last string cut to make me hate the film, it was just severely beating and maiming a dead horse that I had already hated about 40 minutes earlier.
****minor spoiler hint alert**** If you are about to have a baby or have just had a baby, I encourage you to not see this film until time has passed a bit. It is still jarring, this scene, but it might not make you as upset as it did for me ****end of minor spoiler hint alert**** This movie is completely polarizing. You are either going to like it, or extremely loathe the existence it lives on. I am not trying to convince you at all not to see this movie. I think you should see each and every movie you are interested in. I’m just here to give my opinion on what I thought. And I just hated, hated, HATED this movie. And I got everything in it when I saw it. I don’t need a second viewing to “get it.” There is this great article that I posted on my Facebook page that explains everything about mother! and what this and that means. I got it from the very, very beginning of the film that is kind of a spoiler in itself. And I still hated this film. I think narratively and sanely it could’ve portrayed everything it was trying to tell in a more satisfying manner, not to the point where the film is so boring or jarring that it gives you a headache and you just want to take a pen and stab your eyes out from ever having to see one more frame of it.

The symbolism and allegory stuff didn’t work for me. I don’t think it did it in a very original way. This movie was about the allegories, instead of being a unique story that happened to contain some semblance of symbolism. Since every single one of the people have symbolism, allegory, something something religious behind it, I couldn’t really identify with any of the characters or cared about them. And instead of trying to be very sneaky and trying to hide a lot of the references or make people think about the movie harder to get them. EVERYTHING IS IN YOUR FACE. It is like Aronofsky is screaming, “SEE?! DO YOU GET IT?! DO YOU GET IT?!” on everything that hits the screen. It wasn’t subtle, I was being spoon fed every piece of the garbage, and I was full of it from minute 15.

Yeah, I’m still being harsh. But I do not hate Darren Aronofsky, even though he is dating Jennifer Lawrence, which makes me upset. I just think he’s…misguided. I think mostly he is what Paul Thomas Anderson is so trying desperately to be…but horror-wise. I loved Black Swan, I loved Requiem for a Dream, both movies you could consider to be horror. And what he was trying to tell absolutely worked in both of those films on so many levels, it was mesmerizing. To me, mother! does not work on one single level other than the acting and cinematography. You are probably waiting for me to tell you what this movie is about, but honestly, I really can’t. To tell you what it is about, you would not believe me, think I’m nuts, or you wouldn’t get it. I can tell you the basic set up is a man and woman live in this abandoned home that she is trying to rebuild from ashes…and they start getting guests, played by Ed Harris, Michelle Phieffer, Domnahall Gleeson, and Kristen Wiig, that starts to rock their very existence. Even then, that isn’t want the movie is about, if you ever see this, you’ll know what I am talking about.

Everyone in here acts in aces. Jennifer Lawrence is incredible as always. Javier Bardem is incredible as always. Ed Harris….incredible as always. A much missed Michelle Phieffer…incredible as always. The only person that took me out of the film would happen to be Kristen Wiig, who I just can’t take seriously, other than the film The Skeleton Twins. And the shots in this thing are beautiful. For most of the film Darren Aronofsky follows Jennifer Lawrence is long takes around the house, where she is going from one room to another to figure out what is going on and to find a little bit of sanity, and those long shots work and are very impressive.

But I hated this film. It is the worst film of the year for me (beating out contenders 9/11 and Fifty Shades Darker) and it is one of the worst films I have ever seen (just behind Halloween II ((Rob Zombie version)) and Dude, Where’s My Car?). If you like it, that’s fine, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s just that what the film brought to the table, it worked for you, and you played with it, where as what I saw on the table, made me kick it over and set it on fire. It’s a huge misstep for writer/director Darren Aronofsky, and if he keeps going in this direction, which for the love of God I hope he doesn’t, probably won’t be his last. I wish I could get 2 hours of my life back.

9/11, a new drama with Charlie Sheen (yes, THAT Charlie Sheen), has to be the biggest slap in the face to all the victims, first responders, and heroes of 9/11 since the awful twist ending in the film Remember Me. What is also so bad is that this film doesn’t even know that it is disrespectful. It’s disrespectful in terms of the acting, the production value, the cue card at the end of the film dedicating the  movie to all the victims and first responders of 9/11, when the first responders aren’t even featured in the film for more than 5 minutes. This movie is so bad I don’t think even Lifetime would air it due to the fact of how disrespectful it is. Even mediocre 9/11 films like Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center treated the events with respect, care, and made sure to show admiration for those affected by the tragedy. This film has Charlie Sheen being a more calmed down but still same version of Charlie Sheen, with 5 other people stuck in an elevator, and somehow they dragged poor old Whoopi Goldberg into this. 9/11, while one of the worst tragedies to happen in human history, is now one of the worst films since the turn of the century, let alone the worst film of 2017. Yes, that’s right, even worse than Fifty Shades Darker.

It’s also disrespectful to cast Charlie Sheen in your 9/11 movie, when he is in fact part of the controversial Truther movement. But I’m here to review a film, not get into politics. This film is based off a stage play called Elevator, and I have a feeling the stage play is quite riveting and emotional and characters played by truly inspirational and aspiring believable actors. It’s hard to care about character when you see someone on screen and just keep repeating the word “Winning” over and over in your mind. Sheen’s acting in this is truly laughably bad, to where he needs to be nominated for a Razzie this year and win.

It was also weird seeing Luiz Guzman in a film like this, considering that he is mainly in comedic films, and some of the stuff he says also took me out of the film, obviously he meant his dialogue to come off as dramatic, but it is boderline comical. Gina Gershon is there to look like a coke head and literally just whine and not act the whole time, and Whoopi Goldberg plays a elevator operator supervisor that tries to talk the passengers in the stuck elevator on the Twin Towers into finding a way to escape. She is the only decent part of the movie, and the only one that seems like she wants to act accordingly.

I never felt emotional during this film, and the point is I should have. I should have felt bad for these people stuck in the elevator, and rooting for them to get out. The acting was just nowhere near getting me to care for any of the characters other than Whoopi. The film basically only has three locales, in and right outside of the elevator, the basement where Whoopi Goldberg is trying to help them escape, and the final act takes place right inside the lobby of one of the Twin Towers. It is in this final act that the production value is just so so so bad, it was hard to believe any of these people were actually there. Isn’t that the point of the movie? To make it seem you are at the locale of where stuff happens, especially in films based on true events?

When it touches the lobby, with the smoke, and ash, and all that raining down on victims heads, the film looks fuzzy, green screenish, and cheap. There is so much fog and smoke, that you know they just piled it on, otherwise you would definitely know how shoddy their production budget was. And like I said before, the title card of dedication at the end bothered me. It is find if you dedicate it to first responders of the tragedy, but you should show them in your film more, not just Charlie Sheen bitching at things for 95 minutes.

My thoughts are with the first responders and victims of 9/11 today. I will never forget and this nation will never forget. There are no words to completely convey how much we feel for the victims and first responders of this terrible tragedy. My heart aches for the families of the victims as well. One thing I know for sure is that this film should’ve never been made. It was a stage play? Fine, but leave it at that, don’t hire D grade actors on a shoddy production budget if you are hoping to make a legitimate film about a story that took place on that day. Or if you have to make it into a feature film, treat it with some respect, and try and make the best film possible. This was not even trying.

 

I would not go so far as to call Reese Witherspoon’s new movie HOME AGAIN, good, great, or even bad…I would ultimately probably use the term “harmless.” I didn’t think it is a re watchable laugh a minute riot fest, nor did I think it as a comedic disaster. It is just there. It is just there to casually leave on television when you are tidying up your house one afternoon. It’s a airplane movie to distract you from the fact that you are in a vessel miles in the air. It has it’s moments, but then it has it’s “really?” moments as well, and it once again proves that Reese is way too good of an actress to pick up and participate in this kind of material.

The movie has a somewhat interesting concept where a famous screenwriter/director’s daughter turns 40 and is recently separated from her husband, moving with her two daughters to L.A. who “happens” to run into three young male Hollywood dudes (one a director, one an actor, and one a screenplay writer) who are trying to break bank with their short film becoming a full length feature. One of the boys in his mid-20s falls for Reese. They get kicked out of their hotel for not having any money and Reese’s mother likes the boys and suggests that they live in the guest house for the time being. The three young boys then inject themselves into her lives but then once the separated husband comes to L.A., bag in hand, people have to figure out what is the best in life for them.

I mean, yeah, it’s a little interesting. The plot relies really heavy on insinuating circumstances, and the fact that all the planets and stars lines up for them perfectly. There are some charming moments, and there are some chuckles, and Reese Witherspoon is always fun to watch whatever she is doing, but ultimately this film is “harmless,” yet ultimately forgettable. It’s like when you run into somebody from high school that wasn’t mean to you, but wasn’t your friend either, but was nice to you all the same. You say hello, what you’ve been up to, and then you leave, forgetting what happened in 24 hours. That’s this film. A casual meeting never to be remembered again.

The acting is good but I feel like the other actors in this film are wasting their time as well, especially Nat Wolff (who plays one of the boys, not even the romantic interest, and this is the guy that completely stole the show in The Fault In Our Stars) and Michael Sheen, who looks depressed after Master of Sex was cancelled. Both of these guys are way too good for this film. Candice Bergen, who plays Reese’s mom in this screams from the hilltops “paycheck.”

I was satisfied with the ending however, going to a place it needed to go and didn’t try to wrap everything up in a nice bow. But yeah, I’ve already forgotten a lot about this movie from seeing it two days ago. But the fact that I didn’t hate it, after seeing the masterful IT, says something. It is possible this movie just wasn’t for me, and that young women and women in general might laugh and love this movie a whole lot. So in the end, I might not be the best person to review this. I would totally recommend for girls out on the town, but for everyone else, you would drive home again from the movies, with this film never making another blip on your brain radar.

I’ve read IT twice now. I read it about 5 years ago for the first time, and re read it again earlier this year. It’s one of my top 5 favorite books of all time for sure, right along with 1984, 11/22/63, To Kill A Mockingbird, and The Shining. Stephen King is my favorite author, and I have read everyone of his works. So with his movie adaptations, people could say that I am biased either way. I’m either going to be too critical or too lenient. I happen to disagree, I think I’m the perfect person to judge his film adaptations. Maximum Overdrive and The Dark Tower are two of the biggest pieces of shit in cinema history. I do love Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, but feel that the ending short sighted it from being one of my all time favorites. I think the miniseries 11/22/63 was ho hum, but Frank Daranbont’s The Shawshank Redemption is in one of my top ten slots of my favorite films of all time, and The Green Mile ain’t too shabby either. So I’m all over the board with Stephen King adaptations. It could go either way, or it could be straight dead mediocre middle. I love the novel IT, and to say that I think this film is the best Stephen King adaptation since The Shawshank Redemption is no easy feat. Saying it is the one horror film that had freaked me out since the original Scream and the U.S. Version of The Ring, I say in confidence. I enjoyed and was frightened from beginning to end of IT, and think it is the perfect companion to the novel. One of the years’ best films.

Is IT perfect? Hell no. No book to film adaptation is. Some things are changed, for better or for worse. The only straight page to page adaptation I have ever seen is the first Harry Potter film. So when a film isn’t a page to page vision, you have to judge it one what it does bring to the table. It brought everything plus the kitchen sink. My heart pounded from beginning to end, even though I knew the fates of most of the characters. There are a couple of jump scares, but the film mainly tries to get into your head on what fear truly is, what a human being fears, what a child fears. This isn’t horror 101 where it is a cheap jump scare a minute, no, this film mostly has the tension of what lurks in the dark, rather than what just pops out of it.

I’m not going to get into novel vs. film specifics, but to say that it didn’t include two controversial scenes including a homosexual child encounter and a gang bang wasn’t surprising. Those two parts in the novel always bothered me, they are unfilmable and if you were to put it to screen, you’d get slapped with an X rating faster than stealing a cookie out of the cookie jar. It doesn’t try to explain the turtle or Dark Tower connection, but it definitely is there and is hinted at. And of course, this is the kid’s story, so we don’t see the adult versions of themselves. That is going to be saved for Chapter 2, and rightfully so. The book intersperses the two, but for film, that won’t work. We get half the novel here, and at 2 hours and 15 minutes, it is the perfect length to get that half of the story correct. And do they get it correct.

Because you see, the novel is really about childhood and adulthood and how the two correlate. So if you don’t cast the right actors for IT, and they don’t work, you movie immediately tumbles. Thankfully, this is the best child actor casting I have seen in decades. Every casting decision in this is perfect. From Jaeden Lieberher as Bill Denbrough (yes he does stutter, the trailers just don’t show it, and he does it naturally) to Sophia Lillis as Beverly Marsh, to Stranger Things’ Finn Wolfhard as Richie Tozier, and the rest of the gang, they are all perfect. They all deliver their lines with grace, humor, and precision. Their chemistry is off the charts fantastic, and they all exemplify the most important aspect: being believable. It’s the best child acting and chemistry since The Goonies. In fact, this film feels like an 80s nostalgia pic, that Super 8 got super close to copying, but didn’t quite get there, this film does. When The Losers are together on screen, it is magic, and yet they still hold their own when it comes to their individual scenes.

Now let’s get to Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise. Loved it, creepy as fuck, and will make you have clowns dancing in your nightmares. His childlike demeanor and voice are scary and perfect at the same time, really inhabiting what I imagined IT was in the novel. If there is any complaint I have about the film, is that it uses CGI with Pennywise a little two often when practical effects would’ve worked perfectly. It even uses CGI at a point where he is just standing there, which confused me immensely. Maybe they didn’t get a good take and had to redo in post? I don’t know. But while Skarsgard is still fantastic, he would’ve been masterful if not for that damned CGI. I did love though how the movie was brutal and pulled no punches when it came to the horrifying violence. I’m tired of movies making violence off screen when some butthurt punk doesn’t like what he sees on screen when children are being harmed. It’s a fucking movie, deal with it.

I loved how Pennywise is used sparingly though, like he is in the novels, only when he is meant to be there. The kids still see what they fear, it isn’t always just Pennywise. We get the leper and eerie woman painting, and Pennywise shows up to just add to the flavor. You only really get to see him at the very beginning, a minor showdown in the middle, and at the very climax. Speaking of the climax, Pennywise’s lair has to be my favorite set piece of the year. I won’t go into spoilers but I completely and utterly dug what they did and how they relate it to certain things Pennywise says. Magnificent set decoration, design, the whole she bang, I could watch that set piece for hours trying to decipher everything that is in it.

One more complaint, while I loved loved loved loved loved the musical score, it overwhelmed the film at times where it just needed to be silent. Benjamin Wallfisch made a creepy, eerie, yet magical soundtrack, it’s just used in the wrong places in the film, where silence would’ve been golden. You don’t need musical cues to tell you when to be afraid sometimes, you need the silence of the unknown. If the soundtrack was cut off at certain moments, it definitely would’ve elevated the film a lot.

But for my two complaints, I still love this version of IT, and it kicks the shit out of the mini-series back in 1990, great Tim Curry performance and all. I could re watch this multiple times and still enjoy every wonder that pours out on the screen. My heart pounded nearly the entire time and by the time the credits rolled, I was exhausted. Speaking of credits, the credits did something that made me just want to stand up a cheer, you’ll know it when you see it. People that have read this book, don’t have reservations, the film is great, so go and see it. Those who don’t, and find the movie interesting, or love horror films, etc. go check it out, you’ll have a hell of a time. I could float all day in the glory of IT. I could float in the cinematography, the directions, the shots, the acting, for hours on end. And of course you knew I would end with this, if you see it, you’ll float too.

 

So being the movie fanatic that I am, and momma and my new son Grayson tucked in for the night, I decided to celebrate my son’s birth by seeing a movie in the theater anyway. I went to see TULIP FEVER, the only new film out this week. Out of my joyous day, this film was the only really really stupid thing about it. Tulip Fever is mind stakingly dumb, treats the audience as if they were idiots, has the worst acting coming out of some of the best actors working today, has an unearned ending, all surrounded by a stupid plot of love triangles, pregnancy deceptions, dumb tulip bulbs, and has dialogue that makes William Shakespeare spin in his grave.

The film centers around a time in Victorian past where tulip bulbs were like Funk Pop Vinyls and Beanie Babies, people obsessed and paying way too much for them. An old rich dude, played by Christoph Waltz, is looking to make an heir to his fortune, since his wife and children died during child birth. He purchases a woman out of poverty, played by recent Academy Award winner Alicia Vikander, to make him an heir, and they try for years without her getting pregnant. To distract his disappointment, he hires a painter, played by Dane Dehane, to paint a portrait of the married couple, which takes some time. Soon, the wife is having an affair with the painter, who gets interested in tulip bulbs to try and get rich quick and get out of that life. Add to that a love story involving the housekeeper and a fish seller, deceiving a fake pregnancy, and a dumb drunk Zach Gilifinakis, and you have one of the silliest and cheesiest movies of the year, and not in a good way.

This movie is basically Casanova starring Heath Ledger, but on a shit ton of steroids. While Casanova was fun and embraced its silly tone, Tulip Fever doesn’t know what tone to take, goes from silly, to serious, to silly, rinse, and repeat, and it doesn’t transition well at all. The plot is unbelievably predictable and bad, with no true antagonist to sneer at, and unlivable protagonists that you don’t want to cheer for. The dialogue is so bad it makes all the actors terrible in this, and strike two for Mr. Dehane, who is not having a good acting year with this and Valerian. And Alicia Vikander must really like taking off her clothes, I’ve now seen her naked more times than I did Kate Winslet back in the late 90’s. she’s not good here either, no one is.

The ending is unearned and insanely dumb, Zach Gilifinakis is truly out of place here, and Judi Dench being there screams paycheck. This film feels like a Lifetime channel film that Lifetime even rejected. It’s laughably bad and will be in a $2 bin somewhere by Christmas. This serves me right for seeing a film right after the birth of my son. Thank goodness it wasn’t IT right? Seeing Tulip Fever won’t make you obsessed with anything this film provides, and it will sure give you a headache that makes you wish you stayed home sick.

Out of the two films that you have never heard of that I saw this weekend PATTI CAKE$ is the one I recommend, but maybe wait for a rental. You probably have heard of this movie just forgot what it was called. It is about that plus sized blonde white trash girl that wants to make it with a rapping career. She is a bartender that does catering on the side and on the side of that tries to make good rap music with her pharmaseutical Indian friend and a really nice, kind black guy that also happens to worship the anti-Christ. While it falls into a lot of the tropes and cliches you’ve seen time and time again in a story like this (fairly close to 8 Mile), the movie is very enjoyable, inspirational, funny, heartfelt, that manages a few surprises kept out of the trailers.

And by surprises I mean the Indian friend and the really nice black guy that worships the anti-Christ. I think without those two characters, this movie wouldn’t have been so enjoyable. When they get together (and add Patti Cake$ grandma with a one word hilarious background drop) and form their rap group PBNJ, it feels like a real group coming together. And while the plot does go into a couple of cliches, I am glad it didn’t go the route of “she wants to break up from the group because she is more successfully individually.” The cliched parts come in the form of their rise, fall, and rise, and Patti Cake$’ mother being a has been washed up drunk as a skunk singer.

The acting does really bring the movie together. Everyone is excellent here, especially our main character. Without a top notch performance by her, everything could’ve been an epic fail, but Danielle MacDonald is wonderful in this. Her two friends and grandmother are good two, and even though the mother thing didn’t really work, Amy Shumer frequent collaborator Bridget Everett brought us a side to her we haven’t seen before, and pulled it off in spades.

The music is good, the characters are good, the story is good, so why am I not recommend seeing this in a theater? Well, theatrically, it isn’t worth your box office money. I would say this is THE perfect rental of 2017, but as for direction, shots, what have you, this really doesn’t need to be seen in a theater. Which is a little sad because everything else is there. Stylistically it copies 8 Mile, with some shaky cam work. The movie tries to dab it up with a few dream sequences, but honestly they could’ve been cut out and made the movie a bit tighter. I would totally watch this again, but wait to watch it on a smaller screen, because even though with the main character size doesn’t matter, smaller screen size = saving you more $.

I did see two movies over the weekend, but these reviews will be short and sweet since none of you will ever probably check out these movies let alone have heard of them before. Let’s start with the one I can’t get myself to recommend: BIRTH OF THE DRAGON. What is funny about this film is that it is a “fictional” account of the fight that “supposedly” took place between martial arts legend Bruce Lee and kung fu master Wong Jack Man in 1965 in San Francisco. The problem with this movie is that it is cheesy as fuck, the main character isn’t even Bruce Lee or Wong Jack Man, and the fictionalized account is way too fictionalized for me to even care about anything to do with plot.

The movie should have been more serious. I would’ve loved a very serious, semi-fictionalized account of Lee and Wong’s fight. With them being both main characters and NOTHING else. I did not want a white guy learning Kung Fu from Lee to be the main character, nor did I want his love story with a Chinese slave girl. I mean, if the studio insisted on keeping that stupid plot line in the story, they didn’t need to white wash it all to hell. Make the main character Chinese as well, I don’t need a white guy to identify with him. I don’t need English speaking characters either, Chinese subtitles would’ve been fine. I don’t want to give anything away, but the climax of the plot line with the slave girl is so over the top, dumb, and stupid, I was laughing at the screen the whole time.

This is a perfect made for TNT, TBS, USA or hell, even crap Netflix film. The only good thing in this movie are the fight scenes. The fight scenes are fantastic and in the script, I am guessing this is literally all they had, and writers on set had to fill in 60 minutes of bullshit plot and inane dialogue. So if we are counting, it’s a 95 minute movie, with 35 minutes devoted to Lee and Wong Jack Man’s storyline, and 60 minutes of whitewashing crap. That isn’t good. No one can tell me there can’t be a 2 hour great epic tale about the fight between these two legends, with no B subplot with a white guy who can’t act. We could’ve started the movie early in both of their careers, switch back and forth until we got to San Francisco and then till the fight. Seriously, imagine that film in your head? Could be pretty epic right?

All of the acting in this film is crap too. The guy that plays Bruce Lee does it a little too over the top. I heard Bruce Lee was a over the top personality in general, but there is a way to do that with good acting, look at any character in any Tarantino film. The only good acting is the guy that plays Wong Man Jack. He is the only character that feels fully fleshed out, with the acting complimenting it every step of the way. Keep that guy, throw away the script and start from scratch, and recast everything else, and you may have had a great film. Not to say the film isn’t unwatchable, but if you have a cheeseburger in front of you, and wanted more cheese on it, this film is the equivalent of opening one of those nasty ass cheddar nacho cheese tub buckets from your local movie theater, and just pouring it everywhere. Just….everywhere.