I’ve been waiting a couple of days to write my review of BRIGHT because it’s a movie I am having a tough time forming an opinion on. On one hand, it’s a cool concept of mixing our real gritty world with fantasy elements, creatures, and magic (basically Bad Boys meets Lord of the Rings) and it is actually very entertaining with some great visuals and action effects. On the other hand, the dialogue in this film is so horrifically bad with every cop cliche again done to death and the main good elf is basically ripping off LeeLoo from The Fifth Element. I also had a couple of problems for the locations of some of the action scenes as well (But we’ll get to that later). Ultimately, I am going to recommend this based on the fact that I was throughly entertained, Will Smith and Joel Edgerton did a great job with their roles, and that it has to potential to really be something masterful when the sequel is made. You just have to get past the shitty, awful fucking dialogue.

Bright stars Will Smith as a cop, that has an Orc for a partner, the only Orc on the police force. Smith is coming back from an incident where he got shot and some say his Orc partner let the perp go because the gunman was an Orc and they have this blooded Orc code or whatever. Anyway,  humans live peacefully uneasily with Orcs and Elves after all of them had fought for thousands of years. It is revealed that in these thousands of years that a Dark Lord was the ultimate bad guy/nemesis and he is proficized to come back when three magic wands are joined together by beings that can actually hold and use them with their bare hands without just immediately exploding (these beings are known as Brights). Will Smith and Edgerton come across a elf played by Lucy Fry, who happens to have one of these wands of power.

I won’t get into plot specifics here either, because there are actually some really cool reveals in the film. There is one part near the beginning in particular, where Will Smith has a choice to do something really bad or really good, and the scene was shocking and did not end the way I thought it would. That scene is probably my favorite in the film and showed if the writing were tweaked for the rest of the film like it was here it could’ve been masterful. There are some cool shoot outs as well, cool special effects, cool car chases. And don’t let it being on Netflix fool you, if this were released in theaters, it would be a hard rated R. There is a lot of cursing, a lot of blood and gut violence, and even some random nudity. I really liked the atmosphere and the grittiness of the picture. The tone was near perfect.

However, some of the plot threads and locations really didn’t work for me. It’s supposed to be this cool world with our human race mixed with Orc’s and Elves, but you are telling me that every shootout/chase/etc. had to take place in an abandoned building or a strip club? Like there are not ancient castles or cool mountainous valleys anywhere we could’ve went to? (I’m guessing possibly the sequel). Also, most of the movie is really predictable, we are told that one human in a million could end up being a Bright, and if that line of dialogue doesn’t wring your obvious foreshadow predictable bell of who that might be…well then this movie is really for you and I can’t help you.

The dialogue in general is really bad. Everything that is said and all the jokes and one-liners we have heard before, and we didn’t chuckle or laugh the first time they were said. “They didn’t teach us that in training.” I mean, really? That’s like a 13 year old writing a screenplay and can’t figure out any clever so just puts in filler to be able to turn his assignment on time. And Lucy Fry’s elf character is basically LeeLoo from the Fifth Element, spouting off Elf jibberish, being scared most of the time, but also coming out with some kung fu bad ass moments. It seems like the script didn’t have any proofreading and the first draft was just submitted and accepted. If Netflix had ordered a script retooling, this thing could’ve been a really great movie and one of Will Smith’s best in awhile.

This is coming from the writer and director of Suicide Squad (David Ayer) and at least this film is much, much, much, much better than that. That was unwatchable garbage, this was actually a bit of fun. I do hope that the sequel is a little more planned out with a tighter script. People said that this would make a good television show. I agree, as long as it was on HBO or Showtime and kept all of the R rated grittiness. But I’m kind of glad it is a movie so that way I don’t have to keep up each week. If everyone involved tries to make an even better film next time, the future could be really bright for this Netflix franchise.

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME is one of those films where I recognize everything about it that is making it special to audiences, critics, the Academy, and it is a actual decent one time watch, I personally would never watch it again. And it’s not the gay thing at all. Even though I feel awkward in the theater watching two men fall in love with more explicit sexual scenes than Brokeback Mountain had to offer, that’s not and will never be a reason why I personally hate or don’t care for a film. Like the Seinfeld episode, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” In fact the films paints a perfect picture between the love between two men in Italy in the 1980s. The dialogue and situations of the sexual frustrations between the two feel real and the film takes its time to develop them, much more than Brokeback Mountain ever did. And the movie has one of the most memorable finale dialogues I have ever heard. It’s just one of those films I don’t have any interest in ever watching again. You know what I’m talking about.

It’s not a meh film, or even a bleh film, it’s a “yeah that was interesting, ok, on to the next Oscar contender film!” The acting in this is incredible. Timothy Chalamet, Armie Hammer, and Michael Stuhlberg are all incredible in this film, especially Stuhlberg and his final dialogue while talking to his son on the couch at the end of the film. Also, the film captures the 80s and I assume it captures Italy at that time well (I’ve never been). The cinematography is actually quite beautiful and I thought it was interesting how director Luca Guadagnino filmed most of the movie with the camera wait high looking up at the actors. It worked and kept my attention throughout the entire thing.

The movie is about an American student (played by Armie Hammer) that stays with his professor and his family in Italy in 1982. Him and the 17 year old son (played by Timothy Chalamet) form a bond that turns out to be more than friendship. It explores this sexual angst to perfection. The film also hits the message really well how America didn’t tolerate homosexuality at the time (and lets face it, for some individuals, it never will), without hammering that message on the head. It was subtle, yet not too subtle for the viewer to not understand why some of the characters act and do some of the things that they do. The movie is about ten to fifteen minutes to long, a trip between the two boys feels sort of rushed and more of an after thought to add onto the film, when something else could’ve taken its place and been more needed. You’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it. Their trip just feels choppy, choppy enough to have been almost cut completely.

But the film takes its time to establish the bond between the two men, and it does it masterfully well. More so than Brokeback Mountain, which I always felt their bond was a little forced to move the plot along. Just a word of warning, while this film is a lovely film about homosexual love, it is pretty specific with some of its scenes, and earns its R rating. I’m not saying to not see it if gay stuff bothers you, I’m saying you might want to watch out maybe seeing it with your entire family to not have an awkward drive home. More of a date or couple or lover film.

So this film is good and I am giving it a recommendation. A good recommendation. I just personally won’t watch it again, because I don’t need to. I got everything in one sitting and I don’t know if I would forget the film enough to deserve another. The film is worth seeing for the end speech by the boy’s father alone, and is the reason why Michael Stohlberg might get a nomination for that one scene alone. It is pretty powerful. This movie is for all mature adults out there looking for a good artsy fartsy film. It’s better than Brokeback Mountain, which I always thought was overrated.

DOWNSIZING is another 2017 Oscar potential film that again doesn’t use its brilliant concept to its full potential. And yet its another film that the critics are wrong about during the holidays. It’s not as bad as critics are saying, not even close, but I’ll be the first to admit its a one time watch only, nothing more, and nothing less. But it features a very Oscar supporting performance nomination. But yet again, it’s supposed to be somewhat of a comedy and I only laughed really hard once and near the end. I think the problem that critics had with this movie is that they expected another Alexander Payne masterpiece and they didn’t get what they wanted under the tree.

Which you can’t expect that from every high profile filmmaker. Every single director, every single one, has a couple of misses as well as hits. Tarantino, Spielberg, Scott, Kubrick, all of them have a film or two that you probably wouldn’t want to revisit the rest of your life. So to expect the same kind of quality with every single of one their films and then bitch like little babies when it isn’t your way and even refuse to see the good in the film is ridiculous and your critic title should be completely stripped away. And Downsizing isn’t necessarily a misfire from Payne, it’s just not as good as his previous films, and that is ok.

And like I said in paragraph one, it doesn’t even get close to the full potential of its brilliant concept. Although I do admit that the story does go in a couple of places I didn’t expect. A scientist wants to find a solution to overpopulation and he finds a way to shrink people down to the size of your thumb, and they make a little giant city filled with these people to help the world not get over crowded and die so fast. Matt Damon plays a straight every day man that due to some financial woes, wants to shrink down because him and his wife’s financial problems will be solved (they say that their $112,000 that they have to their name translates to $12.5 million dollars in downsizing land). He does the shrinking process, but his wife, played by Kristen Wiig, abandons him at the last minute. Instead of a lavish lifestyle in downsizing land, he has to make due with a dead end job with customer service and living in a somewhat okay apartment complex. But an upstairs neighbor and one of the Vietnamese women that cleans the upstairs neighbors apartment enters his life, and things change forever.

The neighbor is played by Christoph Waltz, who basically plays himself in this, but the Vietnamese helper/cleaner lady is played by Hong Chau, who is so hilarious and great in this she is probably going to get that nomination for supporting actress and deservedly so. Her speech about “what kind of fuck you give” near the end of the movie was the only time I truly laughed out loud and had tears in my eyes with how funny it was. The true problem with the movie is that it bogs down in the environment/pollution/overcrowded/world is ending problem and why we suck as human beings, instead of showing a lot of ways why downsizing could solve everything. We see Matt Damon carrying a big rose at one point and we see giant crackers in a giant saltines package, but that’s about all the being small jokes we get in the film. Well this is a chuckle worthy explosion in the end but you’d think with a movie about being tiny there would be a shit tone of being tiny jokes. There are only a handful. Which is weird.

And the solution to all these world problems is downsizing, so why does the movie eventually come back to these problems near the halfway point in the film. I feel that the film could’ve went in another direction story wise and the end result would’ve been much better. The end is kind of cliched character decision wise, making the entire two hour and ten minute runtime kind of a mixed bag. I do give credit to Alexander Payne not going the sex joke route of being tiny, despite its R rating, but he could’ve given us more smart laughs instead of a couple of chuckles and one big guffaw at the end. But he had a good idea and the movie is very watchable, for one time at least. The real problem is that it could’ve been so much more, and with a filmmaker who has brought us that so much more before, it turned out a little disappointed. A solid effort, but it diminishes its returns pretty fast.

I’ll aca-start this off by saying PITCH PERFECT 3 is easily the worst of the Pitch Perfect movies. Now to say I am not qualified to review these movies is heresay. I loved the first movie, loved it, and I think it is a classic in terms of those types of competition movies in the same group as Bring It On. The second movie was okay and sort of entertaining for the most part. But you can tell that the screenwriter of the first didn’t think there would ever be a sequel to this series and had no idea where to take the second one. But at least they came up with something realistic if not totally original. With this film, a 20 minute subplot completely fucks up everything. And the movie doesn’t even waste time hinting at the subplot. In fact, it’s so insane, it starts out with this utterly bombastic stupid subplot, goes to something that was actually quite creative story wise, and then goes back to the stupid subplot near the end. They had a 75 minute decent movie and ruined it by stretching it to 95 minutes.

I won’t spoil this subplot, but I will say it involves an actor I respect, John Lithgow. Now Lithgow is a utter genius in projects (see The Crown) but he also takes those paychecks (see Daddy’s Home 2), and this was clearly a paycheck gig. In fact, I wonder if he was working on Daddy’s Home and Universal walked over to that lot and offered him another million to do this stupid thing. What I liked about the Pitch Perfect movies, is that even though the Acapella Group contest was sort of a weird yet charming type competition movie, it was mostly all grounded in reality. This 20 minute subplot in this movie says, “fuck reality, we are Hollywood and have absolutely no ideas left. Let’s also put in the Fat Amy can do karate and shit!”

And its a shame because the rest of the movie isn’t that bad. The fact that all the Bellas are struggling with their jobs and want to do one last thing together is admirable, and really the only place the series could’ve gone. They get together to join a musical road/air show to support the military troops. In the middle of it they find out the sponsor, DJ Khaleed is going to pick one of the acts to start for him on his tour. The Bellas biggest competition is another girl band that uses instruments, is lead by Ruby Rose, and their band name is EverMoist. People that know me know that I hate the worst moist and every time it was said in this I almost started coughing (but I assure you that isn’t a reason why I didn’t like this movie). They have some funny and interesting little side competitions riffs and the music all the groups do and mix up is move in your seat worthy and nice to listen to.

And the conclusion of the girls normal life stories is nice and wraps everything up in a little bow. All the acting is the exact same from the first two. Anna Kendrick and all the other ladies, including Rebel Wilson, are still quirky and likable (the subplot doesn’t ruin Rebel Wilson’s charm, just the story). The only thing I didn’t like is that it ditches Anna Kendrick’s and Rebel Wilson’s love interests from the first two films in two lines of dialogue. I can’t stand when they do that but oh well, life isn’t perfect anyhow, so it’s forgivable. Hopefully everything being wrapped up means that their isn’t a fourth one. Because the movies are getting increasingly worse since the first. If that happens, you should know it is finally time to quit (although we’ll probably get some straight to video 4th involving none of the original actors and it will be like 5th graders doing it in elementary school). But I don’t normally count VOD sequels as true sequels, unless you are a Chucky film.

But the movie was completely ruined by the stupid John Lithgow subplot for me, and there is not way to look past it. It starts terribly at the beginning of the film, hints at it a couple of times throughout the film, and then ends even more terribly than when it started. I wonder with all these petitions for different cuts of films nowadays (like people wanting a Kevin Spacey cut of All The Money In The World or a Zach Snyder cut of Justice League) if we could get a new cut of Pitch Perfect 3 where its only 75 to 80 minutes. Who knows? I only know one truth: it’s time…for the Bellas…to end.

I do admit it, sometimes a little over hype is that one little factor that keeps a really good movie from being great. While watching I, TONYA, I knew I was watching a very good movie, but not a great one. And while I was watching I was trying to determine what it was. Usually if it is over hype, I will view the movie another time and form an opinion there. And I do believe it was a little over hype here. About 47%.  This film has gotten such stellar reviews and some even called it “the best of the year” and starring who I think career wise is already excellent and is still only at her beginning, I mean, who wouldn’t get excited? Don’t get me wrong, this is still a really great movie, but I was expecting a masterpiece, and unfortunately it just didn’t get there for me. I always have this feeling in the theater when something is absolutely masterful. I got it while watching The Wolf of Wall Street. I got it watching Pulp Fiction. I got it watching Inception. I’ve got it with dozens and dozens of movies. And just like this year, just like The Shape of Water and The Disaster Artist, wanting that feeling again, it just never showed up. Oh, and the skating effects were a little jarring to say the least, could’ve been polished up.

And while I do blame 47% on over hype, I do have to blame 47% on execution. The trailers and advertising for this film makes you believe that this film is based of the interviews and testimonies of Tonya Harding, her ex-husband, her mom, her bodyguard, and a couple of others, leading to conflicting events on who was really responsible and who really thought of the plan of the incident where someone was hired to bash Nancy Kerrigan’s knee/leg, giving Harding an advantage in the 1994 winter Olympics. The film starts out by people pointing fingers and saying that and this did and did not take place and taking several approaches to a couple of events. But about 30 minutes in, the movie stops that and kind of just straights shoots it, which was a little disappointing. I wanted it to keep going off the wall fucking bonkers, completely using the unreliable narrator device that this movie had locked up and ready to use.

I love the unreliable narrator device. I think that it is still a untapped resource in Hollywood films today and could still be used to make some pretty damn great entertainment. It works so well in The Usual Suspects and Gone Girl. And reading all about the Nancy Kerrigan incident, it seems like it could’ve been used to perfection here. I mean, with these colorful, weird, and sometimes out right nuts characters, could we really keep them at their word? The answer is a solid no. So why couldn’t the movie do that the entire 2 hour run time? It certainly had enough time to do events a couple of times over in different points of view to really confuse and confound the audience. Let them make the decision on whose to blame. But nope, 30 minutes in, it almost abandons that premise and tells a straight story. Now, I wouldn’t have minded it abandoning it, but it really needed to come back at the end, when the investigation with the incident was at its peak. Now THAT would’ve been an entertaining finale. But no, it just tells us and hints and some confusion, it doesn’t show us. And if you’ve remember my earlier reviews, you know how much I am a fan on showing rather than telling.

But it is still a really good movie. Let’s not get too far off track. I really liked it a lot and could watch it again in the future. And that is probably because of the performances. Margot Robbie, who should’ve gotten a Oscar nomination for The Wolf of Wall Street, is utterly fantastic here. She shows that she is young talent not to be messed with, and even though I do not think she will win the Oscar for her performance here, she is sure to win one in due time. She plays Tonya Harding with that grace she tried to show the people watching, with that underlying dangerous attitude she had to have because of her vicious mother. Which, by the way, I think you can give Allison Janney the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress here. She is downright despicable, but we can’t help but laugh at her disgusting and monstrous attitude. I have never seen Allison Janney better, she gives one of her finest performances here.

But the real MVP, that I’m really surprised doesn’t have much Oscar buzz, is the great Sebastian Stan, who plays Tonya Harding’s ex husband Jeff Gillooly. He is absolutely phenomenal here and steals every single scene he is in, even from right under Margot Robbie. His portrayal of Jeff as a bit of a love struck, dumb as nails, but as abusive as sin individual has that spark that I look for in a Academy Award worthy performance. I think people will look back, especially if he isn’t nominated this year, as the performance that makes him stand out above the rest. I know he is the Winter Soldier, but that role is fucking peanuts to this. This is master class in acting and in ten years, people will look back at his no nomination as a huge and unbelievable snub.

Also, as I mentioned above, the skating effects are pretty jarring and terrible. And that is the other 6%. If something (I don’t know how, I’m not a filmmaker) could’ve been done about that, it might’ve made the movie a little more presentable. But seeing Margot Robbie’s head basically just copied and pasted onto a profession skater double like a five year old would do with photoshop, is almost as bad as the fake baby in American Sniper. Maybe just, have someone skate and just not show her face next time. We don’t need close ups of Robbie skating, the movie isn’t exactly about her skating per say, it’s about her character, her life, and what she did/didn’t do.

So like The Disaster Artist and The Shape of Water, I, Tonya is a really good movie that is missing a couple of elements from being great. Some of it was over hype, some of it was the device that they only pulled the trigger half way on, some of it was the jarring skating effects. You might think differently than me, and I hope that you give this movie a shot if you’re interested, mainly because of the fantastic and masterful performances. But the next time they have a perfect opportunity to the perfect unreliable narrator story, they better just hold down their finger on the button, and never let up.

Let me ask you a question: if you, as an audience member, were getting the choice of two different approaches to one story. One being an overlong, two hour and 30 minute epic about the creation of the Barnum and Bailey circus. This film wouldn’t be a musical, it would drown in every single detail about the creation, it would have great performances to be sure, but ultimately would be another forgettable bio pic. Or would you rather have a tight, hour and 45 minute muscial, where the film is just inspired by the creation of the Barnum and Bailey circus, doesn’t go haywire trying to get every detail correct, where every song is memorable, and you just want to get up in your seat, sing along, and cheer. Basically have a fantastic time at the movies without trying to be a boring awards contender. Yeah…I can see your decision now, and I thought so. And that is exactly what THE GREATEST SHOWMAN is. A great, fantastic, memorable, fun as heck, show stopping musical. Did I also mention sits at a nice PG rating and is fun for the whole family?

I don’t know what has been up with critics and audiences lately, especially when you look up individual movies on Rotten Tomatoes. They can’t seem to agree on anything and it is really bizarre. Critics hated Justice League, but audiences enjoyed it. Critics loved The Last Jedi, but audience are turning it the most divisive Star Wars movie yet, and here, we have critics not liking this movie that much, and audiences love it. As my love of reviewing movies for you guys tells you, I am willing to give any movie a chance, and sometimes I get caught up in really loving a movie and defending it until my mouth, ears, and nose bleeds if someone else doesn’t. And so while I was with the critics on The Last Jedi, I am surprisingly with the audience on this film, showing that I maybe shouldn’t be so quick as to call modern audiences the “Donald Trump of watching movies.”

Needless to say, if you loved Moulin Rouge (which for some reason I don’t and still don’t to this day, probably because it didn’t have original songs), you are going to love the heck out of this movie. It’s all lights, glitz, and glam, and while I do admit with some movies that doesn’t necessarily work, sometimes it doesn’t work at all, it really does here. Every five minutes we are treating to another wonderful, gorgeous song, and every single one of these songs is memorable. In fact, I am still singing almost all of them in my head this morning. This isn’t one of those musicals where everybody is fucking yelling and you can’t tell what the words to the song are. No, this is crisp, clean, and fully heard. Usually with musicals, there are one or two songs I could have done without, but this here, every single song served a purpose to the story.

And I will admit, yes, the movie is very fast paced, there are some cliches and contrivances, and some “Hollywood” movie moments that would otherwise make me grown. With this, I didn’t care. They roll over some of the basic generalizations of how P.T. Barnum started the infamous circus, and it didn’t get bogged down in heavy historical accuracy. Films like Darkest Hour, you expect that accuracy and enjoy the film that tries to follow it to a tee. Here, at the very beginning, the filmmakers let you know that this is a musical and that this is going to be very fast paced because of the style, so some extremities are going to lurk their way into the forefront to give you a tighter picture, while getting rid of some of the historical accuracy. Basically, if you are interested in historical accuracy with this, watch the movie, then go on Wikipedia to determine the boring details.

I can’t say that I have a favorite sequence here. Like I said, every song is memorable. My favorite two sequences are probably Hugh Jackman recruiting Zac Efron’s character in a bar, and Zendaya and Zac Efron professing their love to each other but knowing that the public won’t accept them. Hugh Jackman is again great in this film, and what is kind of funny is the title of the film kind of refers to him to, because he is one of the greatest showman’s of our time. Zac Efron comes back to his song and dancing roots here, and it proves once again why he became so famous with High School Musical, and why is potential still needs to be expanded upon films like Neighbors. Rebecca Ferguson is not too much in here, but her one show stopping song brought a lump in my throat, and Michelle Williams, while always good, is kind of background noise here (but that’s probably because she was focused on the upcoming All The Money In The World). The real standout in this film is Zendaya, with Spider-Man Homecoming earlier this year, and her performance in this, she is going to be a talent to be reckoned with in the near future.

Honestly if every single song nomination was from The Greatest Showman, I wouldn’t be upset at all, at least I knew it would win, but the song that it is being nominated for “This is Me” is fantastic and if that is their song going into the Oscar’s, I hope it wins. The whole movie is probably going to be a major success with audiences. It had that vibe that it will be while watching it. And if it somehow drowns with the other films out this holiday season, it is going to make a killing when it comes out on VOD and Blu-Ray. I saw this with my wife, knowing that this was her kind of film, and she loved it. I loved it to. Don’t know if I have room on my list for the best of the year, but it will definitely be on my honorable mentions list. This is a film you could watch over and over again and have a great time every single time.

 

FARTINAND….oh, excuse me…FERDINAND is one of the most blandest, boring, not funny, and at times too dark for a childrens movie I have seen in the past decade. You may think I’m throwing shade at a film that came out the same weekend as The Last Jedi and I’m still pissed at “modern audiences” for not liking it, but let me tell you one thing: my wife LOVES children’s films and even at the most mediocre of ones she can find a way to like and enjoy them. Even SHE THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS BORING AND BLAND AND AT POINTS TOO DARK FOR CHILDREN. So yeah, what we are dealing with here is a failure to communicate a good holiday children (Just go see Coco) film that is fun for the whole family and doesn’t treat the audience as if they were idiots.

Blue Sky Studios, which are owned by 20th Century Fox and made the mediocre Ice Age films (this is pre Disney), aren’t even trying. There has to be a good Ferdinand movie out there somewhere where these screenplay writers and directors aren’t lazy as a stoner and don’t care what kind of product they put out as long as it is by a certain deadline. This movie has absolutely no wit, no uniqueness, no charm, no clever humor, nothing. I even went to the bathroom during the middle of the film just to find an excuse to get out of this glob of manure for a minute and a half (yes, I washed my hands). At one point during the middle of the film, I looked around the theater because there were a lot of kids at the movie, and half of them were asleep, and the other half were bugging the shit out of their parents, not looking at the screen.

And this movie is dark as all get out. I am going to get into spoilers here because I need to prove how dark this film is. So you’ve been warned, skip to the next paragraph if you are actually dumb enough to want to see this movie. Ok, first off, it’s about Ferdinand not wanting to be a bull during a matador fight. You all know that every single bull never wins a matador fight right? And that they are usually stuck between the eyes in the end with a sword to kill them? Well, the movie shows a bunch of bulls pictures with their cut off horns attached to them, and Ferdinand at that point realizes that no bull’s ever win the matador fight. At the end of the film, come on, you know that Ferdinand survives, right before the matador decides not to kill him (Ferdinand actually makes him look like an idiot in the fight), he points the sword right between Ferdinand’s eyes. Yeah, if my kid was a couple of years older I wouldn’t want him seeing that shit. Also, when a couple of the bulls are deemed not worthy of bullfighting, they are sent to the chop house, and they even call it the chop house and realizes they are being sent there to be turned into food. When the bulls are put on the trailer to the chop house, when the gate is lifted it shows the bulls face only and the rest of the picture shows what chops of meat they are going to get out of the bull. They do this to try and make a joke out of one of the bulls thinking he is going to fight the matador for glory. And needless to say the joke did not work with me or our audience.

I wouldn’t rather seen a movie with the girl that gets Ferdinand at the beginning on some weird adventure than this weirder freaking matador “will he or won’t he fight” type of plot that was dark and didn’t make much sense at all. I mean the film introduces three horses that have a German accident for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The movie is completely predictable in every plot thread and every line of dialogue. The little three hedgehog’s are annoying and not funny at all and the other bulls have cliched stupid personalities with weird accents.

The only two good parts of the film are John Cena voicing Ferdinand and Kate McKinnon voicing his goat friend. You can tell that Cena and McKinnon are professionals and were really trying to give their characters some depth and personality. The rest of the movie is utter garbage and one of the worst films of the year. The film is definitely not appropriate for kids under 10 I think, with all the death themes wise, so the real question is: who is this film meant for? The answer: it shouldn’t have been made. I came to watch a film about a bull voiced by John Cena in a cute little adventure filled with wonder and laughs. What I got was bullshit.

 

 

WARNING!!!! DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN STAR WARS EPISODE VIII THE LAST JEDI. I WILL BASICALLY RUIN EVERY PLOT POINT, TWIST, TURN, SURPRISE, YOU NAME IT. I’M DISCUSSING WHAT I THOUGHT OF ALL THESE, AND IN PARTICULAR, WHY THEY ALL MAKE SENSE IN CONTEXT WITH THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE.

Well, I got kind of peeved at a lot of people (aka Modern Audiences) this weekend when I found out that the Rotten Tomatoes Audience Scores on The Last Jedi weren’t very good at all, in fact, the worst of the entire saga, which is bullshit because Attack of the Clones sucks, and no piece of dialogue can be worse than the sand between Anakin and Padme. So when I started writing this, I got pissed and stopped because I didn’t think I could explain my love for this movie spoiler wise and I just didn’t want to share because I got mad at whoever wasn’t liking this film for stupid fan boy reasons, thinking they didn’t deserve my review because they would just bitch at my reasons anyway. So, I am posting what I wrote, and then after I stopped I am going to give a link to an article where this one reviewer that used to be on Aint It Cool News (who left because of Harry Knowles sexual harassment scandal) wrote a very short piece why all the things that happen in the Last Jed are perfect. He basically wrote what I was going to once I stopped writing. So I’m just going to link to that and that is basically what I thought of the entire movie spoiler wise. I am over my madness, realize that modern audience are sort of dumb and will always be that way, and I still love The Last Jedi, and the only one that can take away my love for it…is me. Which I won’t, so here you go!

So now that we got that out of the way, let’s dive right in. You are at your own risk at this point. I’m not necessarily going to review the film again. I am going to go step by step through the film, beginning to end, what I thought was amazing, and the little tiny bits that I could’ve done without. If you go to my Facebook page, you’ll see its #1 on my top ten of 2017, so if you want to read what I really thought of the film technically and non spoiler-y achievement wise, read my original review:

Opening Crawl: Was glad that Rian Johnson actually gave a pretty decent realistic opening crawl considering that the film opens up several minutes before the Force Awakens Actually Ends

First scene: Resistance Escape From Q’Dar

Loved that Rian Johnson decided to give us a pretty awesome opening space battle right after the crawl instead of going to Luke and Rey like many thought he was going to. Already subverting our expectations. The battle above Q’Dar (the resistance base in Force Awakens) is spectacular. The effects are top notch and the drama is intensified ten-fold, especially that last undestroyed bomber that hold’s Rose’s sister (it is revealed it is her sister shortly after meeting Rose later). Poe’s desperate move to kill a First Order Dreadnaught was slick and yet you didn’t know whether you agreed with his decision or not. You could tell that Leia couldn’t really decide either.

Only thing I didn’t like about this scene was the overextended humor bit between Poe and General Hux. There is basically a ‘your mother’ joke in there that could’ve been left out. I understand he was trying to stall for time to get ready to attack the dreadnaught but the joke of faking not able to hear Hux went a little bit to long. I did chuckle at first, but then was like, “ok, enough, let’s go” Fortunately it did.

After the battle goes not in the First Order’s Favor seeing Holographic Snoke come on the screen and reveal very early that he has Force powers and uses them on us was nice and unexpected. Those going, how can you use the force through a hologram, remember that Vader did it via viewscreen in Empire.

Second Scene: Rey’s First Meeting With Luke

Again, this subverts our expectations. Did not expect Luke, after being handed the lightsaber by Rey, to just chuck it across his shoulder like he doesn’t give a damn. The only thing that I didn’t like about this scene was I couldn’t tell if throwing the lightsaber away was supposed to be meant for laughs. I took it seriously but a lot of the audience members didn’t and snickered. Should’ve been more dramatic. Maybe by being really angry and instead of tossing it over his shoulder trying to throw it as far as he could.

You can tell that Luke is deeply disturbed and that he came to the island to die (which he specifically tells us later). Him seeing Chewie, boarding the Falcon again, and then reunited with R2-D2 were nice touches, especially when R2 tries to get him to join by showing Princess Leia’s original message from A New Hope. I love the way he is still kind of a tormented soul, by still not joining, and teaching lessons to Rey about why the Jedi need to end, his failure as a Jedi, and what the Force all truly means, and that the Jedi got it wrong. Love, love, LOVE, this. Playing with our expectations, didn’t see any of this coming. Mark Hamill’s acting in this entire film is top notch, and he could’ve had a hell of a career is he had just been this kind of intense and dramatic.

Intermission – PORGS: I think audiences are dividing by these things. Some found them cute and adorable, others thought they brought too much humor into the film. While I agree there is a little too much humor outright and not subtle in this film, the worst of it didn’t come from the Porgs. They are in very few scenes and weren’t jarring at all. I liked how some were real and mechanical. I ultimately thought they were cute but really unnecessary, a marketing ploy to sell a shit ton of Porg toys.

Resistance Vs. The First Order: The Main Plot

The main plot of the Resistance Vs. The First Order is that even though the resistance initially got away from them in lightspeed, the The First Order found a way to track them while they are in lightspeed (a very interesting dynamic and totally embraced by me). Once the are found, they only have enough fuel for one more jump into hyperspace, but now knowing that The First Order can track them, instead just try to stay barely ahead of them where there blasts don’t effect the shields on their ships until they can figure out a plan.

This is where Finn, Rose, and Poe’s main mission comes in. I won’t get all into how they figure out a solution that leads them to Canto Bight and find a codebreaker played by Benicio Del Toro, but needless to say, I loved every minute of it. Some people thought the entire Canto Bight scene could’ve been scrapped, but then just finding a codebreaker would’ve been too easy, and I understand that Rian Johnson was just showing us another cool and deceitful part of the galaxy. I have read the new canon novel called Canto Bight, and it was interesting for me to actually see the big bright city on the greenscreen, so that is probably why I liked seeing that, and that racing Fathiers on the big screen.

Ugh, this is all taking too long right? Let me get down to some basics.

Yes, I agree with all of you that the Leia Marry Poppins Space Force thing was a little too over dramatic. They should’ve just had her escape the room in time, the ceiling about to fall on her outside the room or something, and at the last minute uses what she has of the Force in her to keep it from crushing her. She moves it out of the way, only for a small chunk to fall off and hit her over the head. That’s the only part of this film I disagree with. While it did’t jar me, it could’ve been handled better. I don’t disagree with Leia having force powers, I disagree with the way it was shown.

Captain Phasma is again wasted here. She has even less screen time here than she did the Force Awakens. She just shows up at the end to battle Finn, and Finn kills her. This is one of my few complaints about the film in that it is the waste of such a cool looking character, an actress playing that character, an I final confrontation that could’ve lasted longer. Especially if you read that Canon novel about her and the comic on how she got out of the trash compactor on Starkiller Base. She seemed way too bad ass to be defeated that easily. Oh well.

Grey Jedi: Hey I barely need to talk about this because they didn’t bring it into the movie! Thank God, instead they do something with a familiar face saying how failure is the greatest teacher and that Luke’s failure of creating a new Jedi order can teach Rey a lesson now to save Luke’s soul. Speaking of that familiar face….

Yoda: Yep, Yoda shows up as a Force Ghost. And while I liked what he did and talked about with Luke, his actual physical appearance is somewhat jarring. Yeah, the puppet is back, but the fucking puppet looks nothing like it did in the first cut of The Phantom Menace, The Empire, or even Return of the Jedi. Looks brand new and a little awkward. Other than that, I liked that they brought the Force Ghost back. And to people whining about it. The Force Ghost wasn’t really created until Qui Gon Jinn died, so only him, Anakin, Yoda, Obi-Wan, and another character at the end of this movie, are able to do that. So those of you saying why aren’t there a bunch of them, well there you go. Pay attention to the fucking movies.

SNOKE DIES!!!! LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED this twist and how it plays out. Loved his death by Kylo Ren being cut in half. Completely blew away expectations. Did you think you were going to learn more about him? Nope, fuck you, probably will have to read a book or maybe something will be revealed in the next movie. We didn’t know much about the origin of the Emperor until the prequels were made, so do we really need to know everything about Snoke. Ever since the television show LOST promised us answers but didn’t ultimately give us that much, people have been expecting for everything to be explained. And it doesn’t have to be. I’m sure we’ll learn more about Snoke eventually. He was a cool villain. All of his scenes are menacing and he seemed very smart, and the fact that he was killed made everything that much sweeter.

Kylo Ren becoming the new Supereme Leader: you thought he was going to turn good when he killed Snoke and was fighting alongside Rey against the Paetorian Guards, but when they are alone, he reveals he just wants more power and to rule the galaxy. Loved that triple cross.

Balance of the Force: Loved the reveal of Rey’s parents being nobodies. That she is her own entity. And that she suddenly got so damn stronger in the Force in Force Awakens because Luke had completely shut himself off from it, so with Kylo and Snoke being so strong, there had to be a balance, and she was it. They could’ve brought in Grey Jedi who know both the light and the dark side to bring balance, but I liked this balance of power explanation much, much better.

THIS IS WHEN I SAW THE AUDIENCE SCORE ON ROTTEN TOMATOES AND STOPPED. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET ME LET ERIC VESPE explain in a short article, why everything else I didn’t explain, made complete sense in this saga:

http://www.roosterteeth.com/post/51552869

 

“This isn’t going to go the way you think.” Wow. You can definitely say that again Luke Skywalker. STAR WARS EPISODE VIII THE LAST JEDI absolutely did not go the way I thought it was going to, and thwarting my expectations might be the greatest thing to happen to me at the movies all year. The Last Jedi is a masterpiece, plain and simple. Yes, it is better than Rogue One. Way better. And yes, it is better than The Force Awakens, which was number one on my top 15 list two years ago. And I’m going to try to sneak this one past you but I can’t because I am going to list it at the bottom, it is better than A New Hope. The Empire Strikes Back is still my #1 Star Wars film, and probably always will be. But The Last Jedi will be the closest ever to try and almost topple its lead. The Last Jedi is the best film of 2017 for me, but that probably doesn’t surprise you.

But I 150% guarantee this movie will. Especially if you are smart enough to avoid spoilers. There WILL BE ABSOLUTELY NO SPOILERS AT ALL in this review. In fact, I am going to write a separate no holds barred in depth review sometime Sunday, describing to you what I thought of certain events, plot threads, character choices, battles, twists, turns, etc. But for right here and right now, this review is just going to hark on the fact that you need to see this in a theater as soon as you can. With the best picture quality and the best sound you can possibly find. The film has the best space battles/action of the entire saga, and seeing all those ships, stars, proton torpedoes, bombs, lasers…you need to see the entire shot and hear the enormous sounds with crystal clear quality.

Have you seen the trailers to The Last Jedi and have a certain movie playing itself out in your head? Of course you do. Now I suggest you get rid of it. Because that movie is not going to happen. The trailers, tv spots, minor clips you have seen do not even begin to describe how the marketing of the film has misled you. It’s like if they made a trailer to James Cameron’s Titanic and got you to think it would be a horror movie. Within the first 20 minutes the film slaps you on your ass and tells you to get into your corner, and to only come out when all of your expectations are put aside.

But I can tell you one thing that will make you breathe a sigh of relief. Remember when anyone can argue that The Force Awakens is a soft reboot/remake of A New Hope? This is NOT a soft reboot/remake of The Empire Strikes Back. Not even the battle on the white/red planet Crait that you’ve seen in the trailers made me think of Hoth, at all. Because even that battle does not go the way you think it will. Sure, the movie has a couple of callbacks to the original trilogy, mainly Empire and Return of the Jedi, but this film is its own. It is a true, true, sequel. Rian Johnson knew that he couldn’t just bring us more of the same. So he successfully did what George Lucas failed miserably at in the prequels. Bringing us something completely different while still feeling like a Star Wars movie. The problem with the prequels wasn’t that George Lucas wasn’t trying to give us something different, he was, it was just bogged down with lazy politics, bad acting, too many pointless over long choreographed lightsaber battles, and fucking Jar Jar Binks.

Just like in the Force Awakens and the original trilogy, the lightsaber battles here are not over long, feel real, and are extremely dangerous and deadly. The acting here is still top notch as well, with Mark Hamill giving his best performance not only as Luke Skywalker, but his best performance ever. Carrie Fisher also gives a commanding powerful performance. And all the new comers from the last movie, like Poe, Finn, and Rey, all still continue to give powerful performances, especially Oscar Isaac who got something to do in this movie and really upped his game here. But the new comers are where it is at. I really loved Kelly Marie Tran’s Rose, she was one of the best parts of the movie. I really liked Benicio Del Toro’s mystery character named DJ. And Laura Dern kind of floored me as Vice Admiral Amelia Holdo. Her arc here was powerful and Dern did a mesmerizing job, especially in the latter half of the film. Oh, and Gleeson as General Hux is still viciously grand.

And you’ve seen this in the preview, but yes, you get to see Andy Serkis’ Supreme Leader Snoke in the flesh, and the CGI on him is amazing, and probably one of the best fully CGI characters I have seen in the past decade, along with Caesar, which coincidentally Serkis also plays. The special effects all around here are top notch, especially the grand use of practical effects as well. BB-8 proves that as much as he is a cool practical effect, he has now become my favorite droid. The Porgs, thankfully, weren’t that annoying and actually kind of cute during some parts. Chewbacca, C-3P0, and R2-D2 weren’t overused and I appreciated that. You could tell that writer/director Rian Johnson took his time with the screenplay, it really shows.

If I had to complain about one thing, just one major thing about the film is that there is a little too much humor. Not to say that I wanted a completely dark and non humorous film like Empire Strikes Back, but Star Wars humor has usually always been pretty subtle. The humor here kind of winks at the camera a couple of two many times. Wasn’t enough to be completely jarring, but it might’ve taken me out of the movie for a second or two. And surprisingly, that humor doesn’t involve the Porgs. I also need to say that the last 45 minutes of this movie are near perfect. The editing, pacing, action, everything was just top notch and didn’t skip a beat. It’s the best uninterrupted 45 minutes in a Star Wars movie. While the middle slogs just a tiny, tiny bit, especially on Canto Bight, the last 45 minutes is just so good to overlook the tiny stretch of what came before.

Well, that is about all I can say before I start getting into spoilers, and I promise a 200% spoiler free review. I didn’t even get into plot mechanics here. Even describing some of the plot ruins the surprises and I cannot and will not do that to you. Like I said, a no holds barred review will come Sunday, but I will post spoiler warnings all over that motherfucker, don’t you worry. In conclusion, The Last Jedi is a masterpiece. At 2 hours and 30 minutes, the time just flew by, it didn’t even feel like it was close to that long. If you are a Star Wars fan at all, or even kind of remotely like the movies, you need to see this in a grand theater. Immediately. This weekend. Don’t wait too long or spoilers will eventually find their way to you. This is a movie where every surprise with make you gasp, scream, or squeal with delight. The Force was definitely with this movie. And may the Force be with you as well.

Rank of Star Wars Films For Me:

1. The Empire Strikes Back
2. The Last Jedi
3.  A New Hope
4. The Force Awakens
5. Return of the Jedi
6. Revenge of the Sith
7. Rogue One
8. The Phantom Menace
9. Attack of the Clones

And if you count this I would put that shitty animated Clone Wars movie #10.