Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MY SPY (Amazon Prime)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDyet another movie that didn’t get to premiere in theaters because of the asshole known as COVID-19. Without me dragging this review into extreme boredom by re-stating my theory in detail of why these studios are choosing to release these films straight to streaming instead of just waiting for theaters to reopen back up, I’ll just sum it up in 4 words: They aren’t any good. And that theory has been proven time and time again, except for one exception: The King Of Staten Island. I heard Trolls: World Tour sucked, I’m told that You Should Have Left sucked, the grapevine has told me that The High Note with Dakota Johnson wasn’t that great, I thought Scoob! was a massive disappointment, I thought The Lovebirds was mediocre, and I’m about to review another $19.99 premium rental after this that wasn’t very good, have I covered everything thus far? Now here we are at MY SPY, that instead of waiting for theaters to re open, was just dumped this past weekend on Amazon Prime. And unfortunately, it adds onto the pile of new premium VOD releases that haven’t been any good. But this review is going to come with a very special disclaimer: this film was never meant for me (Trolls: World Tour probably wasn’t either to be fair). But then that raises the question…who is this film really for?

The reason I ask that question is that this movie is rated PG-13 and has a pretty hefty amount of explosions, people getting shot and killed, stabbed, accidental knife throw injuries, and it even has a very shoddy looking CGI decapitated head flying across a screen. Yet, the movie is basically a love child of Cop And A Half & Kindergarten Cop (both superior to this, IMO), with enough goofy innocent shenanigans & banter between Bautista and child actress Chloe Coleman to make it a little less harmful than the two movies I just mentioned. So what, in my opinion only of course, is the age ranges of this movie? Now remember, before I answer that question, any movie that you put out on the market, the age range needs to expand more than a 10 year period. With My Spy, I’d say the age of enjoyment would only be from ages 6 to 10, and be only really appropriate with its PG-13 rating from ages 8 to 10. 10 years and older, will think that this film is silly and stupid, unless you are a teenager or an adult with a child like heart of gold. So when you do the math, that is only a 4 year range of enjoyment, with a 2 year range of appropriateness. Needless to say, that is not a very marketable movie for Hollywood studios. Because as I watched this with very minor enjoyment at a couple of scenes, I had trouble seeing this film make any sort of money whatsoever if it had debuted in theaters. Hence, I guess that’s why it was ultimately released on Amazon Prime.

But there were plenty of scenes while watching this where they could’ve cut some of the violence to get that coveted PG rating I think they were going for. There was unnecessary language at parts that could’ve been cut out. They didn’t need the decapitation gag for sure. And some of the deaths could’ve happened off screen. Due to the nature of the plot per IMDB.com, it really shouldn’t have been as violent as it was: “A hardened CIA operative finds himself at the mercy of a precocious 9-year-old girl, having been sent undercover to surveil her family.” That sounds like a goofy family friendly fun. Well it is goofy, a little too much for believability sake sometimes, but it isn’t that family friendly. Well, it is and it isn’t, you all with families will be the ultimate judge. I’m just reviewing the movie based on what I thought of it alone: it was a cheesy, cliched filled, nothing you haven’t seen before in a movie like this, dumb, one time-watch. It had a couple of moments of chuckled originality, but isn’t that great in terms of quality by any means. Dave Bautista at least looks like he wanted to be there, this is the most tolerable I’ve ever been in regards to the performance of Ken Jeong, Kristen Schaal is still playing her annoying character from The Last Man On Earth, and kid actor Chloe Coleman steals all of the scenes she is in.

The film is directed okay, although a lot of the action scenes are very CGI sketchy and kind of bland in terms of location shooting and choreography. This needed to be directed by an action director that can also do a bit of comedy, of which Peter Segal is the latter but not the former. He’s directed only two of, what you would call, “action pictures.” The Naked Gun 3 and Get Smart, both of which weren’t very good. I’d say this is on par with those. An okay effort, but mainly fruitless. There is a lot more of you out there that will totally disagree with me on this, and that is okay, like I said, this movie wasn’t made for me. I was just bored on a Saturday afternoon and I figured, okay, if I watch this with my wife in the room, this would’ve been like paying $20 on a night out at the theater, but it is now for free since it went straight to streaming. That’s what this film will ultimately be known for to me, that it saved me $20. Will I revisit it after a little time has passed and when Grayson is a little older? Maybe between those ages I talked about above. It also depends on his taste at the time. But will I ever seek this movie out again for pure enjoyment? Absolutely fucking not. Look on the bright side, at least it was better than Dave Bautista’s last film, which was a little R rated comedy called Stuber. How a PG-13 kids film was better than that garbage, I will never know. I spy, with my little eye, a film that will be forgotten in a few months time.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: EUROVISION SONG CONTEST – THE STORY OF FIRE SAGA (NETFLIX)

If someone were to put a needle in my arm, filled with COVID-19, and say to me, “you have to review EUROVISION SONG CONTEST: THE STORY OF FIRE SAGA in only one sentence or we are going to expose you to this virus,” well, the current me would say, “go ahead, make my day.” But if I were in a better mood I’d confess, “The movie is only worth watching once because of Rachel McAdams and Dan Stevens alone, Will Ferrell is awful in it, and the second half is better than the first.” I think they’d allow me a run on sentence, don’t you agree? I think that sentence describes the film excellently. If Rachel McAdams weren’t in it and if she just wasn’t just so damn charming as hell, this whole movie would’ve been another Will Ferrell clusterfuck. Because he is annoyingly awful in it. Like you want to choke him to death just so he’ll shut the fuck up kind of awful. This is another one of his long title comedies, and he used to be able to get away with just yelling random shit that made absolutely no sense. That was only acceptable (and sometimes hilariously funny) more than a decade ago. It no longer works. And while the film has a pretty solid 2nd half (we get some good random jokes that are paid off well from the beginning), the first half is so boring, awful, and goes nowhere to the point that I just can’t quite recommend it. That is, unless you are a die hard Rachel McAdams fan, which I certainly am. So do I or don’t I? Depends on my mood.

Per IMDB.com, Eurovision Song Contest is described as: “When aspiring musicians Lars and Sigrit are given the opportunity to represent their country at the world’s biggest song competition, they finally have a chance to prove that any dream worth having is a dream worth fighting for.” Will Ferrell is Lars and Rachel McAdams are Sigrit, and while Ms. McAdams plays the part convincingly, charmingly, and acts like she wants to be there, Will Ferrell is…too much there. If that makes any sense. Compared to McAdams, his Iceland accent is abysmal, and while her facial expressions convey well to the written word of her character, Ferrell seems to put on a new face every couple of seconds, throwing anything at the wall to see what sticks. But nothing does, and this ultimately makes his character a non-character. Just a lame impression you put on at cocktail parties, trying to get a laugh out of a drunken moment between friends, and nothing more. But here, the audience is stone cold sober, and we couldn’t care less. Dan Stevens plays a rival musician from Russia, and he, along with Ms. McAdams, steals every scene that he is in, the movie just needed a better lead. And a better co-writer. Will Ferrell co wrote this with an individual named Andrew Steele. I have a feeling that Ferrell only got a screenplay writing credit because of his improv. Andrew Steele probably wrote the only decent parts of the story. He should’ve given the script to a better comedian instead of Ferrell, you probably just pointed at different parts of the script and said, “I think I’ll just yell and scream something insignificant here.”

The first half is not funny at all, except for a boat explosion, and the movie only gets by because of Rachel McAdams and the believable charming innocence of her character. She literally lifts up the movie on her shoulders. Had she not been in it, I would’ve probably turned it off at minute 20. That’s another complaint, at a little over too hours, the movie is way too long. Could’ve been a much more solid 95 minutes. When you watch it, notice how things that should happen at the start of the 3rd act happen when there is still an hour left of the film, only half way through. The film has very odd pacing issues and it drags in moments that should’ve been entirely cut out of the film. The music & songs, written by Demi Lovato’s (she has a fun little cameo in the movie) song writer, are actually quite good and they keep parts of the movie, that would’ve just dragged everything even further, somewhat afloat. It’s the second half that picks up steam when it actually gets to the heart of the contest, the semi-finals and finals, with cool performances from what I can only guess are real contestants that have actually performed at the real Eurovision Contests in years past and present. Combine those interesting moments with some God damn hilarious elf and ghosts jokes and you’ll probably find yourself chuckling if not laughing out loud a few times toward the end. If only the first half had matched the pacing and wit of the climax.

The film is directed by David Dobkin, director of Wedding Crashers, his first comedy since 2011’s The Change Up (a guilty pleasure for me, it’s that Ryan Reynolds/Jason Bateman hard R-Rated body switch movie). While everything seemed to me to be just a point and shoot affair, I liked that there was a lot of location shooting in Iceland and possibly at the place where the real Eurovision Song Contest was held. While there was definitely some green screen effects whenever the characters were on boats, the exterior shots of the gorgeous landscapes of Iceland and showing that the actors were actually there was a nice little touch. If you go into this expecting something akin to classics of Will Ferrell’s past such as Anchorman 1 or Talladega Nights or even something like Wedding Crashers, you will come out very disappointed. The film is rated PG-13 and it isn’t really even a hard PG-13, not to say that a harder rating would’ve automatically made this film much better, but I really would’ve liked to see this movie go to darker, raunchier, and funnier places than it ended up going. And Will Ferrell needs to fucking tone it down a bit. You can tell he’s getting desperate for laughs, but in his desperation he is tripping over his own feet. If he keeps this up any longer, he is going to end up flat on his face, no longer able to get up, and his career will end up being an awful dumpster fire saga.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: THE TWILIGHT ZONE SEASON 2 (CBS ALL ACCESS)

This is a review as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the written middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of my opinions and the summit of my zaniness. This is a review of imagination. It is a review of…the Twilight Zone. Season 2 to be exact. And instead of one episode being released a week over the course of two months, like last season, all 10 episodes of this new go around were dropped on June 25th…and I have a feeling we can thank the Twilight Zone we are living in currently, that of the nightmare of COVID-19. Anyway, instead of doing a two episode, five part review like I did last year, I’m just dropping what I think of all ten episodes after I binged them this weekend. My reviews will start with the title of each episode, then an IMDB.com description, then a couple of sentences of what I thought, and then a letter grade. And at the end of the review, I will write a final paragraph of my overall thoughts and then an overall letter grade (also my overall grade of last season). So let’s begin:

S2, Episode 1: MEET IN THE MIDDLE

Per IMDB, “A lonely bachelor makes a telepathic connection with a stranger, but not everything is as it seems in his new romance.”

Jimmi Simpson (the younger Ed Harris on Westworld) and a largely absent, physically wise (mostly voice over) Gillian Jacobs (Britta on Community) star in this overlong, but ultimately satisfying tale of two strangers that get to know each other by conversing with their minds. In part because of my ultimate disappointment of Season 1, there was several ways that I thought it would conclude, and if it had been one of those ways, I would’ve known that we were going to be on another very bumpy ride and ultimately ho-hum ride like we got in 2019. It even started out by one of those ways, but a very last minute twist, the ones that the old Twilight Zones with Rod Sterling were known for, puts everything into a different perspective, and the episode really sticks the landing. Jimmi Simpson, who is incredible in most of the supporting roles he does in other programs, is no different here, acting with his face and body movement, adding significant layers to his character where if it had been only dialogue, it would’ve completely failed his character. Gillian Jacobs at first sounds too much like Britta from Community, but that is just my minor stupid complaint, as I eventually got used to her voice and enjoyed her overall performance. The episode is well shot and looked stunning. But that wasn’t a surprise, considering one of the only saving grace’s from last season was all the episodes’ cinematography. To change it now would’ve been an unforgiving crime.

Grade: B+

S2, Episode 2: DOWNTIME

Per IMDB, “After a woman is promoted to hotel manager, the nature of her reality is called into question.”

The most important thing to note about this episode is it is the one that Jordan Peele actually had a giant hand in this season. He wrote it and he wrote it alone. The mastermind behind Get Out and Us wrote an episode of The Twilight Zone, and needless to say that when I heard he was writing just one episode this season, I knew that it would be my most anticipated new episode to watch. He didn’t write any of the episodes last season. My verdict? The best episode of the bunch, which makes me wish that Jordan Peele had more up his sleeve with this series than just being “The Narrator” and a co-creator/executive producer. Don’t get me wrong, he is absolutely fantastic as the narrator and sometimes gives Rod Serling a run for his money, but his writing skills are more what I look forward to these days. Now to reiterate, he only wrote this, did not direct, but he must’ve knew his script had been in good hands, as the imagery is perfect for the budget the show has, and it flowed well with Peele’s written word. Firefly & Deadpool’s Morena Beccarin stars in this, and she’s absolutely fantastic, one of her best roles. I am not going to reveal anything about the episode as I believe it is the shortest of the bunch (just a hair over 30 minutes) and that the surprises are too good to give out any sort of appetizer. Just bon a petite on this one.

Grade: A+

S2, Episode 3: THE WHO OF YOU

per IMDB, “A struggling actor risks everything to catch his big break, but an impulsive scheme takes a few unexpected turns.”

Actor Ethan Embry (Can’t Hardly Wait) made this episode what it is. Just to get the concept out of the way, because it is revealed early what exactly is going on, it is a twisted take on a Freaky Friday like situation. This episode has multiple instances of an individual switching between bodies, which allowed Ethan Embry to have to play multiple different characters, and he is absolutely perfect with each and everyone. So do some of the other actors. I don’t want to reveal the scheme or plot of this twisted Freaky Friday adventure, but needless to say, it is a episode that earned it’s tad above 40 minute run time. The ending is a tad predictable with you having to suspend belief on a small little twist revealed in the very last minutes of the whole thing, but the episode was entertaining, looked great, and was better than most of the episodes in season one, so my minor complaints are ultimately unwarranted.

Grade: A-

S2, Episode 4: OVATION

per IMDB, “A struggling singer’s music career takes off when she witnesses a tragic incident, but she soon realizes that her recognition comes at a steep cost.”

And we have our first meh episode of the season. Meh because it didn’t really bring anything interesting to the table when talking about fame and how it can be overwhelming, corrupt, and meaningless. The concept is that this street singer finds a magic coin that gets her fame and fortune. But she soon realizes that the fame coming from it is too manufactured, as common folk aren’t really listening to her music, just keep clapping and giving her standing ovations for no reason. It is an interesting concept and yet not fully realized or executed correctly. Jurnee Smollet-Bell (Black Canary in Birds of Prey) is a fantastic actress, and she is really the only thing that keeps this episode from being total garbage. A last minute Twilight Zone twist also degrades the episode, as it makes no sense to a supporting character’s motivations. At all. The episode is gorgeously shot though.

Grade: C

S2, Episode 5: AMONG THE UNTRODDEN

per IMDB, “A transfer student’s unusual interests make her an easy target at her new all-girls boarding school before she discovers her popular classmate’s special talent.”

But if you watch the series in episode order like I did, it does do a slight uptick with Episode 5 before we again get a couple of stinkers. And the funny thing about this episode is that it stars only unknown actresses, not a single recognizable face in the bunch. This episode is Carrie like, as it is revealed early on that the special talent might or might not involve mind reading, telekinetic like powers, etc.. It’s a nice little story that comes with a last minute twist that I should’ve seen coming but glad I didn’t. The young women in this could actually act and their characters were more than just one dimensional robots. It was kind of refreshing. The episode, of course, was also gorgeously shot. I only give it a little less than an A- because they could’ve done so much more with the concept. But if they did, would it have been bloated and convoluted? Who’s to say?

Grade: B+

S2, Episode 6: “8”

per IMDB, “A team of scientists discover a new highly intelligent species that may endanger more than their research.”

Alien/Life/Deep Blue Sea rip off but instead of an alien or shark it is a small octopus. I liked the visuals but the end twist is telegraphed from far away and nothing was unique about it at all. Also, Joel McHale is completely wasted in his talent here. Nothing much more to say about this disappointing episode. It’s just there.

Grade: C

S2, Episode 7: A HUMAN FACE

per IMDB, “A grieving couple are led to second guess what’s worth leaving behind when an otherworldly encounter interrupts their move.”

What is a great concept here of parents dealing with their grief of a child recently deceased is bogged down in lengthy scenes of snooze worthy dialogue and the fact that I was never going to buy the “otherworldly encounters” persuasion. You’ll get what I mean when it all presents itself. There’s no way. It would’ve been a three minute episode if I was the father. Great acting by Christopher Meloni and Jenna Elfman but this short “bottle” episode (takes place almost entirely in this couples house) was too long even at an even 30 minutes. And the boring dialogue, where an alien is literally just standing there and talking for almost 10 minutes just keeps going on and on and on and on and on. Great visuals, shoddy execution. The script needed more. But definitely not my least favorite episode…

Grade: C-

S2, Episode 8: A SMALL TOWN

per IMDB, “A church handyman discovers a magic scale that gives him the power to help his small town, but the mayor takes all the credit for his good intentions.”

Tricked you there didn’t I? You thought I was going to say that my least favorite episode was this one, but I fooled you, this is actually probably my second favorite. I don’t want to talk about it much because to do so would ruin the surprise that the church handyman comes upon. It has fantastic visuals and a wonderful ending that I didn’t see coming. The church handyman is played excellently by Damon Wayans, Jr., stretching out of his comedy chops for a change. This is also a shorter episode, coming it at just over 30 minutes, and it doesn’t waste a minute of it. Engaging, good story telling, and acting, make this one of the few episodes of both seasons that I wouldn’t mind checking out a couple of more times.

Grade: A

S2, Episode 9: TRY, TRY

per IMDB, “A man dazzles a woman with his seemingly miraculous abilities, but their encounter takes a dark turn when the true source of his charisma is revealed.”

Nope, still not my least favorite episode. In fact, I would say that this may be my third favorite and a “bottle” episode done correctly. I’ll just get the mans miraculous abilities out of the way, Topher Grace is a man that is going through a Groundhog Day like experience. And he’s trying to wooo this woman on a spontaneous date to the museum. I love Groundhog’s Day concepts when done correctly, and this one does. It takes place mostly inside the museum, hence why I called it a bottle episode, and the dialogue is witty, smart, and makes you think. This twist on that “living the same day over and over concept” is the first one to make me think hard what I would do in that situation since the Bill Murray early 90s classic. Also, this contains Topher Grace’s best performance. Ever.

Grade: A-

S2, Episode 10: YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE

per IMDB, “A stay-at-home housewife is looking forward to acquiring a heavily marketed device that promises to make everything better forever, but the product has an unsavory truth.”

I thought they were supposed to save the best for last, not the worst. This episode is God fucking awful, and it might be the worst episode of The Twilight Zone from these two new seasons we’ve gotten. This or that ‘Not All Men’ Me Too piece of shit catastrophe we had to witness more than a year ago. And this one was written and directed by Osgood Perkins, son of Anthony Perkins (Norman Bates in Psycho). He wrote and directed The Blackcoat’s Daughter, which I heard was good but had never seen, and he directed Gretel & Hansel, of which I heard the visuals were great but the movie was boring and the script sucked. This is how I would describe the latter. And what is ultimately disappointing? This is a sequel to a very old Twilight Episode. I’ll let you do the research to find out which one, but it is a classic. This is not. The heavily marketed device is called and EGG and you can guess what it is right off the bat. The script kind of makes fun of commercialism, but its message is blurry and skewed and doesn’t come off across well at all. It is an episode weird for the sake of being weird, and I can’t stand that shit. Awful, awful, awful episode. The only thing stopping this from getting an F is the visuals, which are great. Mr. Perkins, don’t write anything ever again, get a good script from a good writer and you could do wonders. Gretchen Mol stars in this, and she’s a good actress and isn’t the problem here. Entirely the scripts fault.

Grade: D-

In conclusion, this season is a vast improvement over last season. I enjoyed 6 episodes out of 10 here, where in the first season I enjoyed maybe only 3 or 4 of ten. The show still needs some improvement (there should really only be one, maybe too iffy episodes, but what I liked about this season is that they mostly got rid of the political and Me Too themes and instead went with an overall human morality/consequences vibe. Stick to that kind of story telling please. We don’t need Trump bashing or man bashing episodes every other twisted tale. I really hope it is renewed for a season three. Maybe third times the grand charm with this. I did some research on the writers and some of them from the first season were recycled here. Might I suggest getting a whole new team and let them try their hand at conjuring up something demented and delicious? Maybe have Jordan Peele write two or three episodes? Maybe get actual masters of horror like Ari Aster or Alexandre Aja to try and give us nightmares for nights to come? Just don’t ever get rid of Jordan Peele’s involvement. He is the best narrator for the show since original creator Rod Serling. Just get him more involved. Also, make stories not just place their bets on a twist alone, the whole thing should be prepared well so that the twist is earned and doesn’t just feel out of left field. Until next time, I have to say, much more satisfied with my trip to The Twilight Zone. Since we are living one with COVID-19 right now. But maybe it’s only chance at a season 3 is that people discover this because they are so bored and new content is drying up. We’ll see if it can capture more imaginations.

MY OVERALL SEASON 2 GRADE: B

The Overall Grade I Gave Season 1: C-

Zach’s Zany Return To The Theaters: Back To The Movies w/ Back To The Future!!!

At least if theaters get shut down again soon because of all the spikes of COVID-19, I can finally say that my last trip to the theater was not Bloodshot starring Vin Diesel anymore, but now Back To The Future starring acting professionals. I did it. I went back to where I belong. I almost cried when I was sitting in my luxury recliner. And it wasn’t out of nervousness. It was out of joy of being back. Even if it was by myself. Even if it was a quick two hours that went by so fast even though I’ve seen Back To The Future dozens of times. It was pure magic. I noticed some things I have never noticed about the movie before or plot threads I haven’t thought about in years. We need movies. We need movie theaters again. We need that brief escape from reality, even if we do have to just watch classics we’ve already seen or own for awhile. To me, movies are essential. And when I heard that one of ONLY 3 CINEMARK THEATERS IN THE COUNTRY opening back up the weekend of June 19th was one less than 5 miles away from me, I knew I had to be there. And the cherry on top? It was free. Since I was still a Cinemark Movie Club member they are allowing you to see 3 Classic Comebacks for you and a friend (6 free tickets) till 7/23 (before the new shit comes out, knock on wood). Which was even more an incentive to go. I even shot video of me entering Cinemark North McKinney to see if all the social distancing practices were being respected and to physically witness all that the employees were trying to do to keep the facility clean and comforting. The main question: did I feel safe? Right as I stepped inside the facility: abso-fucking-lutely I did.

100%. Even though some of the patrons were not wearing masks (ALL THE EMPLOYEES WERE) at least they were practicing safe social distancing and were also using the many sanitizing stations that were put up all around the lobby and facility. The whole place smelled clean, it looked clean, and while I didn’t get any concessions this time, the social distancing practices I could see of customers getting their snacks were upheld perfectly. Although there were a few popcorn kernels in the hallways (and to be fair I think a movie had just gotten out and some customers might have just accidentally spilled some), it was the cleanest theater I have ever seen in my entire life, and you know me, I’ve seen a shit ton of theaters. If I had one complaint, only one small one, is that when I entered the actual theater showing Back To The Future, the employees were still cleaning. BUT that is just a very minor complaint, as it was interesting seeing them with this cart filled with a shit ton of cleaning supplies and chemicals and seeing them wipe down each and every crevice of each and every chair. It was certainly a sight to see. And they definitely did not let customers sit down in their seats unless they were finished with their row (I had to wait 2 to 3 minutes since my row was near the bottom of the first section). Maybe the employees still cleaning (with masks on of course) was intentional so customers can feel safe with what they see. I certainly felt safe, and any sense of discomfort was completely washed away when I sat down permanently until the movie started.

And I filmed all of this by the way, if you go to my Facebook page and scroll down a bit I put three to four videos of my trip to the theater (that includes my car almost being hit by some inconsiderate asshole that just HAD to back their truck into the parking spot next to me when there were plenty of other spaces around that they could’ve drive through to have their front out…fuckers). I filmed all these so you wouldn’t just take my word for it. But be warned, also with not visiting concessions, I didn’t use the bathrooms either, so I can’t really tell what those are like. Is there pee pee and poo poo still in the bowls from customers that don’t know how to fucking flush a fucking toilet? I have no idea. But suffice to say, I think if I went in there it would’ve been the cleanest theater bathroom I’d have ever visited as well. That’s just my guess though. If you go back to the movies and experience something completely different let me know. But after the movie started playing, I was back where I truly belonged. Enjoyed every moment of it, in fact, this is one of the best times an audience had been respectful during the movie. No one talked, no one turned on their phone or made annoying noises. And I guarantee you that at least 90 – 95% of the people in my theater (there were only about 50-55 people with a socially distanced theater, and my 8 pm show was a sold out socially distanced showing) had seen Back To The Future before. The only funny thing: during the movie, when Doc Brown was saying he was going to go 25-30 years into the future near the beginning of the film, an audience member yelled out, “Don’t go to 2020 doc!” The whole theater, including me, roared with laughter. It was the perfect joke to ease the tension. Wish I could’ve thanked him, don’t know who it was though.

With the actual seats/tickets themselves, you basically have to have a smart phone, as there are no paper tickets (you have to scan your QR ticket code), and they do not accept cash of any kind concessions or tickets wise. Well, on the latter, that is not entirely true as there was a small place marked off for those who only had cash and one designated employee taking that cash and transferring it into a gift card (but there wasn’t many people at this station thank God, but that could always change with new movies and more showings/people). After taking that cash with gloves on, the employee would take those gloves carefully off, sanitize their hands, and then put another new set of gloves on (how annoying is that? come one people, use credit/debit cards as they were meant to be used and help these employees out a bit for right now!). Another small complaint, I would like late showings again. I have a small child and put him to bed around 8, and 8 was their latest show out of all the movies they were playing that whole weekend (I do have a wonderful wife that said it was okay to go and said she would take care of bed time alone for him this time, a Father’s Day weekend gift if you will). I would like some 9 pm – 10 pm shows again. I get however why they aren’t doing that quite yet. Hopefully that maybe changes sooner rather than later.

The ticket scanning employee, even though he wears a mask, has a giant plastic shield he stands behind while scanning tickets. That’s how legit Cinemark is being right now. I tell you, it was something to see, and I highly encourage you to support your local theater when it opens, even if it is for a older movie you’ve seen at first. By supporting them, we shouldn’t get any more delays for upcoming new films like Tenet or Wonder Woman 1984. And if you are one of those people that are like, ” ‘Murica! This is a free country I can do what I want!” That’s pretty shitty and selfish thinking during these times. We have GOT to think of others right now. The health of others and the safety of others. Wearing a mask is not a political statement, it is a safety issue, and if the CDC and WHO say that wearing a masks helps (even though they’ve been flip floppy on some of COVID-19 data and safety measures), let’s trust them for a little bit until a good vaccine is developed and ready to ship out. I think wearing masks should be mandatory right when you step into the building and can only be taken off for when you eat snacks or drink a drink. But I’m probably in the minority on that, and that’s okay. Cinemark knows how to compensate, as when you guys your tickets to the movie, the two seats to the left of you are automatically grayed out so no one can get them, and the two seats to the right of you are as well. And you can sit in groups of friends of course, but if you want to sit together, you have to buy the tickets all together. I’d say that is a sacrifice worth making, especially if you have friends that are good at paying you back. Like I do.

Anyway, this entire review was just to assure those who have qualms about going to the movies again, at least with Cinemark, and the specific theater I went to this weekend, your fears should easily melt away. I understand though those of you that still won’t be convinced by me. And that’s okay. Maybe you are protecting a friend or loved one that has a bad immunity system that you see often. Maybe you yourself have a bad immunity system and you could possibly get very ill or maybe even pass away if you contracted the virus. I get it. I do. I just need the movies. So if I have to do some extra precautions, like wear a mask, socially distance myself from people, use sanitizing stations a bunch or wash my hands for awhile in the bathroom, or not buy concessions right now, I will do as much as I can do safely, not just out of concern for me and me only, but for others to feel safe as well. To get past this virus, we need to set aside all political differences, any kind of differences really, and try to help each other out. Think about your choices for awhile going forward. Think about how those choices will effect not just yourself, but others around you. If you can still do those choices while maintaining social distancing and also implementing every possible cleaning measure to yourself (yes, that includes a mask), I’d say that’s a risk you can take. And if you somehow still get the virus, even being extra careful, I guess you were meant to get it anyway? And that absolutely sucks. I get it. There is only one true certainty: COVID-19 is a cocksucking mother fucker and we’ll all look back at 2020 as one of the shittiest shit stain year in this living generations history. If not THE shittiest fucking year. But if you can get that thought out of your mind, while being extra careful physically, and instead fill it with two hours of a fun filled adventure that includes time travel hi jinks where the plot has the protagonists own mother falling in love with him…I say take that risk.

P.S. If you clicked on this review of Back To The Future, thinking I was actually going to talk about the film in depth, you are a moron. Especially if you have never seen it. It is a classic and never needs to be re made. That’s all that needs to be said.

On July 31st, I will #RiskItForTenet.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ARTEMIS FOWL (Disney+)

Wow… after this & Cats…Judi Dench really needs to fire her agent. Let’s make one thing absolutely clear before I start this review. I have not read one page of any of the ARTEMIS FOWL young adult series. So this review is going to be based solely on if it did or didn’t work for me as a film. Also, originally my wife was going to write a review and the title to it was already set to ‘Diane’s Delightful Movie Reviews’ until I just changed it. Unlike me, she has read all the Artemis Fowl books and when the end credits rolled, she told me just to write one of my reviews and just tell people what she thought. She didn’t want to write hers because, “It would take too long. My review would just list the ways that the book differs from the film, and it would be one long endless complaint.” Eh, I kind of lied just there. That was paraphrasing. What actually came out of her mouth was, “It was meh, I don’t want to write the review anymore.” And then she explained to me how they were different. Well, after watching the movie and after hearing all the differences between the two, I do actually want to go and read all the books, but that statement doesn’t bode well for the movie. While I didn’t hate it as much as critics or lovers of the novel did, it did not work for me as a film, to say the least. It really was just, “meh.” And that is ultimately disappointing, because there are some elements in the film that hint of a world full of magical and interesting possibilities. But that’s just what they are, hints. No execution of actual magic whatsoever.

Doing a tiny bit of research, this movie was supposed to come out theatrically last August, as it was filmed back in 2018. But then in May of 2019, it was delayed to May 29th, 2020, without any reasoning behind the move other than marketing for the film was not ready besides a very generic teaser poster. Then on April 3rd, 2020, the film was delayed yet again, because of…you guessed it, fucking COVID-19. It didn’t have a release date after that for a little bit, but then Disney announced that it was just going to dump the film on their streaming service Disney+ instead of just delaying it theatrically any further. Which wasn’t a good sign for the quality of the film at all. According to Vulture.com: “Disney moving the film straight to streaming was viewed as “”the death knell for Artemis as a film franchise”” by industry insiders, because “the platform’s subscription revenues are incapable of generating a return on investment that would justify the movie’s $125 million price tag.” Combine that with everything else sent to PVOD because of the pandemic, save for The Wretched and The King of Staten Island, have all been mediocre at best, I knew that when pressing the play button on the movie late yesterday evening, that I probably wasn’t going to like the film. I was correct, but the bar was set so low that I probably didn’t hate it as much as you book lovers think I probably should have. But don’t twist my words, the movie is not good.

Per IMDB.com and Rotten Tomatoes.com, the movie is “Based on the first two books in author Eoin Colfer wildly popular children’s fantasy series, Walt Disney Studios’ Artemis Fowl tells the story of adolescent criminal genius Artemis, who captures a vicious fairy, and attempts to harness her magical powers in a bid to rescue his family.” See how even that description is kind of vague? That is how thin the plot is. Most of the movie, I didn’t know what the fuck what going on until I paused it a couple of times and my wife Diane explained it to me. After the explanation, it was still a very thin plot to me, the description above is a little deceiving, with only hints of giant world building that the movie neglects to expand upon. Add to all that an extra helping of no character development and awful acting by the title character who played Artemis and…Judi Dench. The plot is, in a ho-hum nutshell, finding a MacGuffin Fairy Skeleton Key to find Artemis Fowl’s kidnapped father, played by Colin Farrell, obviously there for just a paycheck. Was the overarching villain named Opal is way underdeveloped and hidden in shadows so they could’ve hired a more famous person to portray her in later movies? Not the best idea. Just because it worked in Harry Potter, doesn’t mean that it’s going to work here. The only character to have some kind of development, even being razor thin itself, is Mulch Diggums, played surprisingly not annoyingly by Josh Gad, who is the only actor in this that looks like they want to be there.

Judi Dench is awful in this. When she shows up on screen, her voice is gravelly and nasally, she looks bored and also like she doesn’t have a clue what was going on. Same with the audience. In fact, I probably didn’t place all the pieces together until about an hour into the film, and by then, with only a half hour left, the movie climaxes on just one action set piece that took place inside a house, that wasn’t interesting in the least. Half of it was swinging back and forth on a chandelier with quick cuts and a CGI Troll villain, whose design was so fake and embarrassing it made Steppenwolf from Justice League face palm himself. This whole world was underdeveloped. You cannot take a novel, even at a shorter 280 pages, and condense it into only a 95 minutes film. But the fact that it is supposed to be an adaptation of the first two novels is even more head scratching. What is also confusing is that the CGI and visuals, with the exception of the awful looking troll, are actually a little striking. I liked the look of the underground lair of the fairies and the look of most of the technology, especially the Time Freeze device. There is something magical here, its just really difficult to see what that is, unless I eventually pick up the novel. But after I read that, I have a feeling I’m going to truly despise this film. And for some reason, I don’t blame Kenneth Branaugh, who has directed some truly great looking pictures such as Marvel’s Thor and one of Disney’s few, great, live action remakes, Cinderella. He has an eye for the camera, and some of his shots are steady and gorgeous to look at. If he had a tighter script that was a faithful adaptation of the novel with more flair, world building, and character development…a film that actually took its time to introduce the viewer, especially non fans, to this fantastical environment, there could’ve been something Harry Potter level great here.

But alas, just like the two Percy Jackson movies, this fails on all levels. Both movies have the same faults of not adapting the material to the best of their abilities. And the studios and scripts are to blame. Artemis Fowl’s script, was co-written by a guy used to doing just stage plays and the other guy wrote…fucking Johnny English Reborn and fucking…Mr. Beans Holiday. Yeah, you need veterans in Hollywood that know their shit, in fact, Disney, why the fuck didn’t you just get Harry Potter’s Steve Kloves??? I’m sure he had time in his schedule to give you something solid. But instead, you get a hazy, blurry, jumbled mess of a world that was supposed to introduce fairies, trolls, & other mythical beings in a cool twist on the espionage adventure film. To me, just basing this film on its own merits, taking that it was a novel first out of the equation, everything we got was just a giant fucking misfire. Nothing was interesting, nothing was exciting, I didn’t understand most of it, everything was boring. Just a few little hints here and there of potential. Potential that was ignored to just put a mediocre product out on the market. How does this happen? Why wasn’t more care brought to this property? Just like author Rick Riordan came out and said that he hates the Percy Jackson films, I bet you author Eion Colfer eventually does the same thing. Maybe Disney will extend the chance they are giving to Riordan to come up with his own mini series, that adapts the source material faithfully and with more flair. I bet you that ends up happening if the Percy Jackson Disney+ series is a success both commercially and critically. But for right now, this film is what it is: an adaptation that will put casual movie goers and critics like me into a confused sleep, and one that will most likely put fans of the novels into a foul…foul mood.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND

So this is my first $19.99 Video On Demand rental! And to be real, on THE KING OF STATEN ISLAND, it was totally worth it! Not because a bunch of people are watching it and I’m getting paid back a little, but because it is more than a decent movie. Don’t worry, it’s not the ‘king’ of 2020 so far, that still goes to Onward, but its close. And I’ve heard people saying that if you don’t like Pete Davidson that you won’t like this movie. That’s not true at all. Pete Davidson doesn’t entirely play himself in this movie, on SNL you can tell he’s much more sarcastic, down to Earth, and much more depressing. Here, he has a character arc, and he pulls it off realistically. Granted, if you don’t like Pete Davidson’s face you might not like this movie, although they do make fun of it (won’t spoil the great line), but if its just his personality stopping you from watching this, get over it. The movie is more than just him. Especially if you are a fan of the comedian, the great, Bill Burr. The King of Staten Island isn’t Judd Apatow’s best movie, that still goes to Knocked Up and 40 Year Old Virgin, but it’s right under those, and it is his most mature. This movie is more of a drama with some funny bits thrown in than it is a complete straight stoner comedy. Also, while Apatow’s other movies are light, bright & look comedic, Apatow used a different cinematographer this time, and the tone felt more down to Earth and gritty. After this, Judd Apatow can consider himself this generations John Hughes, a great comedic director but now mastering the little dramatic parts of it all. In other words, this is his Breakfast Club.

Per IMDB, The King of Staten Island is about a 24 year old named “Scott and he has been a case of arrested development since his firefighter dad died. He spends his days smoking weed and dreaming of being a tattoo artist until events force him to grapple with his grief and take his first steps forward in life.” And while the film might be too long at 2 hrs and 15 minutes (most Judd Apatow films are because he just can’t bring himself to make a deleted scene a deleted scene) and while I could’ve maybe chopped enough to make it an even 2 hrs, I didn’t really feel it. Most of the scenes were necessary for Scott’s arc. And I loved that they kept the whole story down to Earth. I wonder if at any point in writing the film that they put him getting into some kind of big nightly/weekly improv show gig (SNL). I’m glad they didn’t. It felt more realistic and it probably wouldn’t have fit so well with the rest of the story. That aspect of his real life would’ve been too fantastical and the character might have come out of it not learning anything and not expecting any consequences since life is handing him opportunities on a platter. I’m also thankful for not having an Ariana Grande like character in it as well. Instead, his love interest in the film, played by Bel Powley, actually already has life ambitions, loves her city and wants to make it better, even though her Brooklyn accent is like nails on a chalkboard (but I feel like it was supposed to be for laughs for the character). Marisa Tomei is also in it as his mom, and even though she just recently came out saying that she regrets playing all these mom characters because she doesn’t want to get typecast, she is good in this, even though she only has a small handful of scenes.

The real MVP, other than Davidson not quite being his 100% self, is comedian Bill Burr. He steals every scene he is in and I didn’t see him as ‘Bill Burr’ in this. It was quite the transformation. If you don’t like Davidson, and you love him, I would take the plunge and watch this anyway just for him alone. He’s that good. With the film being so long, and the plot a little thin, other than being another coming of age and maturing tale, it might take you a bit to see what the overarching film is about. But once it finally clicks, about half way in, you can see how the movie is narrative wise perfectly structured, even at its massive length. And the second half of the movie is much much better than the first half. So if you start it and it feels a little slow, don’t worry, it picks up not even a 1/4th of the way in. All in all, I just really enjoyed it. I enjoy most of Judd Apatow’s films though, with the exception of Funny People. That movie didn’t get the drama and comedy tone right and kind of made Seth Rogen’s character just a “background character” halfway through that film. That was that movie’s biggest flaw. If this movie has a flaw, it’s just its length and not much else. The film looks more gritty, mature, and life like than Judd Apatow’s previous comedic efforts. This all just points to one thing: Pete Davidson is this generation’s Adam Sandler. Davidson is great in roles that are tailor made for him (but his range is still quite small), but I pray to God that he doesn’t sign a deal with Netflix and starts to do really stupid shit. But his next film is The Suicide Squad with James Gunn, so I have a feeling that he knows how to avoid that fork in the road and not become the ‘king’ of Netflix Comedic Trash.

My ranking of Judd Apatow (director) movies:

Knocked Up
The 40 Year Old Virgin
The King of Staten Island
Trainwreck
This Is 40
Funny People

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DA 5 BLOODS (Netflix)

If there is one certainty that DA 5 BLOODS proves, released today on Netflix, is that Blackkklansman wasn’t just a one hit minor resurgence in writer/director Spike Lee’s career. It is now a confirmed solid resurgence. I’ve seen a majority of Spike Lee movies, and as unfortunate as it is to say this, he is more miss than hit. This movie though, now ranks among his best, which includes Blackkklansman, Malcolm X, 25th Hour, Inside Man, and of course his masterpiece, Do The Right Thing. While the releases of Netflix’s The Last Days of American Crime and the final season of 13 Reasons Why couldn’t be more ill timed because of the police brutality and racism protests, Da 5 Bloods couldn’t be more perfectly timed. It has something to say throughout the whole film while also being an emotional action-heavy drama little adventure thriller. While the film has some heavy handed (but pretty spot on) things to say about Trump and racism in general, and also shows how masterful the Black Lives Matter movement is, it managed to not constantly ask you “do you get it?”. Yes, there may be a little too much real footage of black & war in general history at the beginning and ends of the film (it doubles down on what Blackkklansman had), but ultimately it is necessary set up that compliments and strengthens the character piece at the heart of the story. The movie is also very long, at 2 hrs and 35 minutes, but unlike The Last Days Of American Crime, that length is earned, never felt, and the film never lags, no filler. This film is sure to come back into the minds of audiences come award season, whether that definitely happens this year/early next year remains to be seen, but whenever it does, it will be nominated for a handful of Oscars, all deserved.

Per IMDB.com, Da 5 Bloods is about “four African-American vets who battle the forces of man and nature when they return to Vietnam seeking the remains of their fallen Squad Leader and the gold fortune he helped them hide.” The film has a little of everything in it; action, drama, the horrors of war, a little adventure thrown in there, some blaxploitation cinema that Spike Lee is known for. It’s a solidly made film, and it is a bit surprising that it works so well narrative wise because this film has four screenwriters (usually anymore than 2 is a bit worrisome). I was a little worried when the film started to have the same beats that Triple Frontier had, Netflix’s film released last year about U.S. Delta Force soldiers doing a heist of riches in South America. But my fears were completely wiped out, as it quickly goes in another direction, with some twists I saw coming, but mostly others that caught me a bit by surprise. Spike Lee isn’t known for being an action director, especially when his most action packed film is unfortunately considered the remake of Oldboy, which Spike Lee just copied shot for shot (he even disproved of that final product, opting to have the marketing read A Spike Lee Film other than his usual and creative A Spike Lee Joint). But here, the action is his own, focused, steady, no shaky cam, framing the camera just right so we don’t miss a second of it. Thankfully he doesn’t go all Michael Bay on us and the action is quick, doesn’t over stay its welcome, is realistic, and is quickly contained. But after watching this, if he wanted to ever do just a straight up action film, I would easily put it on my most anticipated list for whatever year it comes out.

The acting is all great here, with Chadwick Boseman, Black Panther, showing up in a very minor role (all in flashback) playing the soldier that was killed in ‘Nam and the other four trying to get his remains. But if there is an MVP in acting, one that will probably get a nomination come Oscar time, it is going to be the great Delroy Lindo. Delroy Lindo has played a bunch of supporting roles, I know him as early as playing the villain in Get Shorty, but here, he is the lead. His character has PTSD, which plays a central role in the narrative, and even though Lindo has been great even in the shittiest of film, here, Lindo fires on all cylinders. He has a couple of fantastic monologues and he steals every scene he is in. Spike Lee is the film’s overall MVP. His work behind the camera here is near perfect, as he uses different aspect ratios at the different points of time in the story to his advantage. He doesn’t even do de-aging (except for one two second photograph) of any of the actors. When flashbacks occur, its the actors at their current age, and it works so much better than if they had digitally altered them. If I had any complaints, is that yes, I was a bit overwhelmed like other critics are, at the length of real black history and other war moments footage in the film. Remember that footage of Charleston a couple of years ago, where a car ran over a bunch of protesters and killed one of them? Spike Lee used that to end Blackkklansman. Well, double down on that kind of footage here to drive the narrative’s multiple messages home. I did say above that ultimately they were necessary set ups to the narrative, but it was a little too much this time. Scale back just a little next time Mr. Lee. Save those for a documentary, you would probably knock it out of the park with one of those. Also, I didn’t like how the 4 men found the treasure and remains of their leader so fast. It felt like someone else could’ve found it wayyyyyyyy before then. That’s just minor nitpicking though. Overall, this is a very good film. Spike Lee deserves all the praise he is getting for it and I liked it as much as Blackkklansman if not a little more so. Here, he has crafted an emotional coming of late age drama with fantastic character pieces, action set pieces, and messages that are especially relevant to these times, heck, this very month.

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Watchin’ Reviews: 13 REASONS WHY SEASON 4 – THE FINAL SEASON (Netflix)

Oh boy, here we go! A lot of you hate that I watch and review this show. 13 REASONS WHY in general, it’s a series that people love to hate. And I get why, but then again, I don’t. Some people say it glorifies suicide and violence, and I really don’t agree with that logic. But then, the people that say they hate the show because it makes them more depressed about life including graphic depictions of rape and bullying, that I can see their logic on. The show is quite depressing at times and the bullying does become a bit too much in some episodes. I considered the whole thing to be a entertaining binge-able cautionary tale…well…maybe until now. At points, during this final batch of episodes I wanted to jump on the hate train right along with ya’ll. SEASON 4, THE FINAL SEASON, is absolutely fucking abysmal at points, and I started this review not knowing if I would ultimately recommend it or not. There is a course correction almost half way through the season that gets it back on track but then when the giant movie length (98 minutes) series finale episode hits, it mildly becomes frustrating again. To pin point that frustration: one of the ending fates of one of the characters makes absolutely no fucking sense. Episode 1, 3, and 4 of the new season are so…so bad, that I’ve been told from certain people that they stopped watching and quit the series…so close to the end. I’ll ditch something mid series with no end in sight (like The Blacklist) if I have to, but if I’m only a handful of episodes away to the very, very end…to quit would seem like a wasted journey. There is no doubt in my mind that Season 1 of 13 Reasons Why will never be beat. It is near perfect in its storytelling and execution. Season 2 stretches out Hannah Baker’s story to the point where it sags all the way to the ground, and Clay seeing and talking to Hannah’s ‘ghost’ was kind of a buzzkill. That ghost bullshit almost almost got me to quit then. But then Season 3 got things back on track with a cool murder mystery and pacing that almost matched the first season. I don’t know where to put Season 4, the final one, as it’s easily a photo finish between this and the second one, but they are both so roller coaster bat shit on and off tone at times that I really can’t decide. Hopefully I can find the reasons why, to put them in a solid and concrete preferred order.

My reviews are usually long for this series, but that’s because I go into full on spoiler territory. For this final season, I’m not going to do that, instead I will just state in broad terms what worked and what didn’t work for me. Let’s get the shit out of the way, as since this will be my final say as the series as a whole, I’d rather end on something good than something where I just seem like an angry butt hurt fan. Season 1 dealt with Hannah Baker and why she ultimately decided to end her life. Season 2 dealt with the trail of Bryce Larkin, who is taken to court by Hannah’s parents as they and her friends had a confession and other evidence that he raped her. Season 3 was, “who killed Bryce Larkin?”. And Season 4 deals with all of our main characters dealing with the after math of Bryce’s murder and a frame job, graduating high school, moving on with life, and there is a mystery introduced in a flash forward at the very beginning of the first episode back, and that is: “who is in the coffin?” The answer to that mystery is emotionally sad, paced & acted to perfection, but logically it didn’t make much sense (especially when you think about the cause of death and modern medicine). But that one fate (the rest had pretty good endings) was not the worst part of this final round, oh no, that would be episodes 1, 3…and possibly the worst episode of the entire series, 4. I forgot to say the main character whose perspective we mainly follow throughout all 4 seasons is Clay Jensen played to top notch perfection by Dylan Minnette. He has been the one true voice of the show (except for sharing it with Hannah Baker in Season 1 and Ani in Season 3) and probably the most decent character out of the main group of friends that include Jessica, Justin, Alex, Zach, Tyler, Tony, and Ani. Now, remember in Season 2 when he was talking to Hannah’s ghost? Where it seemed like he was losing his fucking mind? The first half of the final season doubles down on that. You have Clay talking to both Bryce and Monty’s ghosts (both died last season) and then you even have some of the other characters, like Jessica, seeing shit as well. I get wanting the now dead actors to still come back and receive a paycheck but… it’s very odd and off putting.

It’s like they took the main tone of the series, which is supposed to be depressing teen angst, and tried to give it horror based elements, and it just didn’t work at all. When you think of 13 Reasons Why can you imagine thinking about Clay hallucinating that he’s seeing blood coming out of the school shower heads and being covered head to toe in red? No? Well then prepare yourself, because that is what happens at some point in the first handful of episodes. The sin of the first episode is just dragged out boring set up, the real crime is the entirety of episode 4. Episode 4, titled ‘Senior Camping Trip’, gets my nomination for one of the worst episodes of television…ever. Per Imdb.com, in that episode, “Clay is forced to confront his anxiety on the senior camping trip as a suspicious email threatens to turn the friends against each other.” This doesn’t even begin to describe the zaniness to come. All of the kids get freaked out and start seeing shit that isn’t there, and a couple even claim the woods are ‘haunted.’ I don’t want to spoil too much of it, you just have to witness this bat shit crazy bullshit on your own, but needless to say, the tone of this episode doesn’t match of the rest of the series, and it is glaringly noticeable. I know that the writers were probably trying to think outside the box to not get repetitive in their storytelling…but this was NOT the way to go…at all. So bad that if I ever decide to re check out the series, it’ll be a stain on my brain and I will make sure to skip it on my next go around. Episode 3’s crime deals with the blood coming out of the showers, but the main crime is that it centers on a Valentine’s Day dance…and then we get a Prom episode a little later. That was too repetitive to me. To have two dance episodes in the final season just seemed to point to lazy writing. The Prom needed to be the only one where a dance was involved because a lot of students look at Prom as an ‘end of an era’ like event. I know that some don’t but when you think about what Prom usually represents in movies and television for characters, it is THE rite of passage for young adults to move out of high school and into college and adult hood. Episode 3 should’ve been scrapped entirely and something else should have replaced it. I mean they came up with a college campus visit episode, you are meaning to tell me they couldn’t have thought up of something else other than a 2ND dance? Also, has any other high school in the world gotten in this much shit in such little time?

And even though there is a revelation in one of the final episodes why that fourth episode went down the way it did, the tone was just so off base for the series that the revelation did nothing to make me forgive that episode. Gary Sinese, aka Lieutenant Dan, shows up in this as Clay’s therapist, but with how little he is in it, it seems like he was an afterthought. Like they shot all of Clay’s scenes with an unknown, and at the last minute they got someone recognizable and re filmed all those scenes. Because if you look closely, he really is only in scenes with just Clay or his parents. I know that makes sense considering therapists not being too directly involved in kids lives but, the scenes just felt inserted. Fortunately, Gary Sinese does a good job where the awkward timing of the session are forgivable. I liked that his character had standards and rules and stuck with them and that they didn’t get his character too involved, it would’ve been…too movie-ish. If you know what I mean. Also, for non fans of Ani, who was an entirely new character in season 3, did some stupid shit and people didn’t like that she took over from Clay as narrator, she’s not in this season much. So you know that the creators definitely listened to fan input. She’s in it just enough though to have her and Clay complete their own little relationship arc, but when she’s sent to her mom’s mid way through the season and doesn’t come back till near the end, you know that she was sent away for the toxic fans of the show, and that shouldn’t have happened. Me? I thought Ani was fine, and the actress who played her did a good job in the role. I had no qualms with her and I’m disappointed that the show runners would listen to dumb feedback such as that.

Thankfully though, in episode 5, the series does a giant course correction and gives us two stronger episodes, Episode 6 maybe even being one of their strongest of the whole series. I’ll give you a hint what it is about: it deals with a possible active shooter on campus. It is also the only episode of the series so far where Clay talking to dead people is emotional and makes a bit of sense. And then after that, it stays consistently good, all the way thru the Prom and grand finale, which is basically graduation. And its consistently good, other than the tiny hiccup with the revelation of who ends up being in the coffin. It’s only because the matter of the death. If this character had died some other way, the whole finale, which the run time is a little too long in general, would’ve been 100% solid. If you want to discuss with me why or why not THAT fate bothered you and why it bothered me, message me up, I’m more than happy to describe why I didn’t think it made any sense. But other than that, it had a solid ending, and a solid very last scene. I’ve decided, I am going to barely recommend watching this last season, if only because I think I really enjoyed this series as a whole, especially the 1st. It might’ve been realistic at first and then gone off track with murder mysteries, characters losing their minds and talking to dead people, but it has remained consistently entertaining. Like watching a dumpster fire filled with teen angst. The acting has always been 100% solid too, no bumps in the road. But because of my frustration with some of the episodes, I can say with 100% certainty say that this was the worst season of the show. Should they just have ended it with season three and had wrapped up all the lose ends? Yes, that absolutely would’ve been the better choice, but I see their reasoning of wanting to end it when they all graduated high school. Definitely the perfect storytelling ending fork in the road for a lot of movies and television series. If you were to ask me, I would’ve said that it should’ve just been a one season kind of thing, loose threads be damned. Maybe they should’ve spent a little more time fine tuning this final season? Completely scrap the 1st, 3rd and 4th episodes and do some major rewrites? Doing some research I saw that this was the shortest amount of time of a wait between seasons (less than a year, the others were more). But then again, if they had taken more time they might not have finished filming because of the asshole that is COVID-19. Lose-lose situation I’m afraid. What will I remember most about this series? Probably that it was one of (if not only) high school television series about teen angst with real issues that I actually gave a damn about. Fuck you, Degrassi.

My Final Ranking Of The 13 Reasons Why Series:

Season 1
Season 3
Season 2
Season 4

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE

Kind of like why I did my review of Just Mercy, PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE came out in theaters early February, right before the pandemic hit. Normally I only do reviews of new stuff that comes out the year it comes out to form best of and worst of lists. Technically, Portrait is a 2019 film because it was eligible for the Academy Awards because it came out in NY and LA in December. It didn’t receive any nominations, and so I skipped it in theaters and just recently watched it on Hulu. And again, since it’s release date is blurry combined with content released in 2020 to review running out and COVID-19, I thought I would just count it as 2020 film. But just like there were reasons for Just Mercy to not quite make it on my best of list so far, heck this wouldn’t have made it on my 2019 one either, Portrait OF A Lady On Fire just missed the mark because of the movie not ending one scene earlier, what they did with the beginning, and a plot element that seemed to be taken straight from Dirty Dancing, the same plot element that didn’t make me care for that film all that much either (I’ll tell you exactly what it is later). Other than that, it is a beautiful and sweet film about love between two women in France in the late 18th century.

It the story of a forbidden affair between an aristocrat and a painter commissioned to paint her portrait. The last dude was fed up with the aristocrat woman because she wouldn’t ever pose for him so he couldn’t get her face right. The reason why this portrait needs to be done is because when it is finished her mother is sending her to Milan to get married. And you know…the woman doesn’t want to get married. Also, she’s suffering from depression because her sister killed herself by jumping off a cliff not too long ago. So they hire this other woman painter and they tell the aristocrat that she is there to go on walks with her and console her. The painter though is trying to just look at her face to do a portrait, until she isn’t, and she listens to the aristocrat, and you know, falls in love with her. The love story is tastefully done. Yes, there is nudity and some kissing, but there aren’t any full on gratuitous sex scenes, which kind of makes their love for each other earned in a way. Not like what the movie Blue Is The Warmest Color does. If you’ve ever seen THAT movie…then yeah, don’t worry, it is nothing like that. The movie is in French with English subtitles, and clocks in at an even 2 hours, but this is one period piece that actually kept my interest because of the acting, the pace of the story, and the beautiful cinematography of the sea side French landscapes.

The only real problems I had with the movie was the very beginning, a certain plot element that could’ve been completely cut out, and the ending should’ve ended one scene earlier. I can’t really reveal why it should’ve ended one scene earlier, other than to say that if you ever watch this movie, you’ll know why the scene right before the last one was more perfect than when it really decided to cut to black. The very beginning of the movie was a problem for me because I can’t stand it when movies start in the present day, and then go back in time to lead to the present. It voids a lot of mystery of where the characters might end up. And while I was wrong about the fate of one of the characters, there was no guessing about the other one, because it reveals that’s she’s alive and well right at the beginning of the film. And the frustrating thing about it is that scene could’ve played at the end and still had the same effect, maybe even more so, on the audiences emotions than where it plays at the beginning. Lastly, there is a B plot of the two women helping a young house maid get an abortion of a kid she doesn’t want. And if you’ve seen Dirty Dancing, you’ll know that was a plot thread too. That plot thread is the main reason I can’t stand Dancing, here it is done a little more tastefully, but I felt like it could’ve been cut out or re written to give more screen time to our two lead protagonists. But the movie is solid as is. If you like international feature films, I highly recommend a viewing, as it is a gorgeous movie to look at, as well as it has a decent love story of yore. I don’t know the director or any of the actresses from anything else, so I will save you a history lesson, and just say that all involved did a great job. You could watch much worse things on Hulu right now…like Shirley! This one is more on fire than that one for sure.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SHIRLEY (Hulu)

SHIRLEY, now available on either Hulu or you can rent it, is my pick of the most boring “kill me please” film of 2020. Yet it won’t be on my worst of the year list because I can acknowledge that I understood and appreciated what the film was trying to do and Elizabeth Moss’s performance is extraordinary, yet it just didn’t work for me, wasn’t my cup of tea you could say. And I won’t ever ever watch it again…if I happen to be with you while having a movie marathon night and you suggest that we watch this I’ll shove popcorn forcefully down your throat until you cry uncle. I was that bored. I was that bored I was wishing it for it to be done so I could watch a depressing episode of 13 Reasons Why for Christ’s sakes. This will be a very short review because there isn’t much that happens in the film other than senility, adultery, jealously, rinse & repeat. Logan Lerman is completely wasted in a supporting role and I would’ve rather watched just an ordinary bio pic on the life of horror writer Shirley Jackson than a unique experimentation film about a very brief time in her life, which don’t be fooled by the title, the latter is exactly what this is. I don’t even know if this shit happened at all and I don’t have the stamina to actually do some research. To be rather jerk-ishly forward with you, I’ll probably forget the entire film in over the course of a month.

Becky, per Rotten Tomatoes, is about “Renowned horror writer Shirley Jackson is on the precipice of writing her masterpiece when the arrival of newlyweds upends her meticulous routine and heightens tensions in her already tempestuous relationship with her philandering husband. The middle-aged couple, prone to ruthless barbs and copious afternoon cocktails, begins to toy mercilessly with the naïve young couple at their door.” Shirley Jackson’s philandering husband is played by Michael Stulbarg, and he does a pretty good job as well. But the young couple played by Odessa Young and Logan Lerman are one dimensional joke of characters, you neither get to know them or care what they are going through. And the ‘toy mercilessly’ in the description makes it sound like this movie is a thriller, but it isn’t. The toying isn’t even that bad, just a rude word said here or there with a couple of weird lucid dreams. The film is very uneventful. The only times I perked up was when Elizabeth Moss was acting, but when the camera was away from her it was hard to pay attention to what was going on.

The movie acts like an experimental film, the camera all over the place with extreme close ups and some time extreme blurriness, and it just didn’t work for me. I get that it was trying to go outside the slow and easy steady cam, and bring some life into a small part in Shirley Jackson’s life, but to me it just ended up being boring store brand icing on a boring store brand cake. A lot of top profile critics are liking this film, and I can see why because of Elizabeth Moss. She is doing fantastic things this year of COVID-19, with this and the much, much better The Invisible Man already under her belt. She’s becoming the Kate Winslet of a new generation. But to me, just one performance not a great movie make. I’ve always said that, whether it be Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married…or Joaquin Phoenix in Joker. I’m not going to just like a movie based off a performance alone. It’s gotta more value in different areas, and unfortunately the story and pacing just made me want to stab my eyes out in boredom. This is actually based on a short novel, and looking at the reviews, not a lot of regular readers took to it, thought that the written form of this project was boring as well. So I feel good about ending my review with this, if you didn’t like the novel and thought it was boring, surely this ain’t going to do anything for you either.