Category: Theater At Home

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MULAN (2020)

Any of you that actually paid $30 for this on Disney Plus’s Premier Access…especially when you could’ve waited three months to watch it for free…what were you smoking? And to those that did and actually enjoyed this movie…seriously, what were you smoking? Was it expensive? Were you eating Member Berries during it? You had to be, because MULAN (2020) is a disaster on almost every level of film making I can think of. Put aside the fact that the cartoon in the 90s is a cinematic classic and is still likely to make you feel good to this day. Put aside the classic songs from it. Put aside all the controversies of the making of this live action remake, from some of the controversial locations it was filmed at, to the unauthentic filmmakers behind the camera (pssst, they’re white!), to the lead actress supporting police brutality in Hong Kong. Put ALL that aside. Judge Mulan as if it were this brand new toy you can play with. No prior notions…and it still fails on almost every level of film making I can think of. I couldn’t relate to the character of Mulan because from the get go, as a small child, she has chi like strength and abilities, making her training scenes seem trite and unnecessary. The main villain male is hardly in the movie and what little he is in is a cookie cutter, plain Jane, cardboard cut out of a character. The film, even though it has an over $200-$300 million budget, looks cheap. It looks like most of the film was shot inside a studio, with props here and there, and terrible, terrible green screen everywhere that joins the Star Wars prequels in how out of place it looks to everything else. The female empowerment message is watered down and not earned, especially when it is basically resolved only half way through the film. I’ll get into more in a minute, but all of this is just the tip of the spear of how poorly made and executed this film is.

To quote a friend on Facebook, “remember Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon? Well this is like that but way worse.” To quote another friend on Facebook, “It’s Crouching Tiger Hidden Disney.” You can both say that again and again and again. Not only does Mulan rip off a lot of the flying martial arts from that movie throughout the entirety of this one, but it cheaply rips off a symbolic scene from the final season of Game of Thrones, a season that has been critically slammed by all as being lazy and pretentious (I’ll give you a hint at the scene: the wings but not a dragon). That’s how I would describe this film if only given two words: lazy and pretentious. I promised myself that I would try my best to not compare this to the animated version, but to prove a giant point, I’ve got to. In the cartoon, Mulan EARNS her female empowerment arc. She trains, and she trains hard, to become the great warrior she was destined to be. In this live action remake, she’s basically Rey from Star Wars: The Force Awakens. People complained that Rey was too strong in the force without any training and at such an older age. Well here, Mulan mastered the forc…errr I mean these flying chi martial arts abilities with absolutely no training. There is a beginning scene where she masters a fall as a young child that literally was so bad I laughed out loud hard. Hence, all this proves is that SHE HAS NO ARC IN THIS MOVIE. The female empowerment message that is as bright as day and so good in the classic animated film is lost here and nowhere to be found. Her training scenes here are a joke as she masters everything like a walk in the park. She’s like Anakin Skywalker too, already the chosen one without really having to do shit to prove herself. She leaps through mid air twice in this movie to effortlessly kick a giant spear and a small arrow into an enemy’s chest (I laughed inappropriately both times). And both times does it look goofy, unrealistic, and dumb.

Was Jet Li, who plays the Emperor, dubbed over in this film? From what I’ve researched he wasn’t but his words never quite matched his lips and he looked like he really didn’t want to be there. I think he accepted the role as a wish from his daughter, but isn’t he sick and has since removed himself from private life? Doing research he has hyperthyroidism, which causes fatigue and weight loss. He should’ve stayed home. All of the backgrounds in this movie, except for when characters are inside buildings, look awfully fake. Everything looks as if it was surrounded by green screen…are you meaning to tell me that they couldn’t have just shot at real locations? If the reason why they tried but couldn’t because the filmmakers were predominately white, including the writers and director Niki Caro, I wouldn’t be too surprised. This whole film watered down and feels unauthentic. You are meaning to tell me that Disney couldn’t have hired Chinese filmmakers that knew a lot about their history, lore and culture to film and show us something really special? I’m not saying do the whole thing with subtitles or something like that, but surely there were more talented filmmakers out there that could’ve done a better job than Niki Caro (she has arguably only directed one decent film, Whale Rider) and company did? I’m surprised the Chinese government hasn’t out right banned this film from screening in their country it feels so fake. Fuck they should’ve just got Ang Lee to write and direct this (he actually did direct Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, his best film) and even with his rocky track record of late, he could’ve done a much, much better job and had it be more realistic and emotional than this.

Not one emotion here is earned. When she sheds her boy image, only about halfway through the film, while riding her horse through computer animated back drops, I didn’t feel a fucking thing. her “romance” with one of the male warriors is rushed and barely there. There is a avalanche action sequence that is blurry, a CGI mess, and laughably bad. The acting is downright atrocious except for Tzi Ma, who plays Mulan’s father, as he seems like he’s the only one that wants to be there. The film is edited poorly and some of it looks like it was filmed for a class in college. It is just a poorly made film. If anybody that would try to argue with me on why it is a good film, I would argue that clearly 2020 isn’t making you think clearly, as you are eating tons and tons of Member Berries without even thinking of doing so. If you enjoyed this film, you are blind. The best thing about this film was the end credits with Christina Aguilera’s rendition of Reflection, which was not half bad. Go back and watch the animated version and then watch this one again and still tell me this was a well made film in its own right. I will literally laugh in your face. Did you automatically like it because you got lazy, privileged, and selfish during quarantine and would bow down to Disney just because they gave you something to watch at home and not “risk” going to a theater and getting coronavirus? You paid $30 dollars for this garbage for goodness sake (I didn’t, thankfully). Some of you sound like you will like anything, no matter how poorly made it is, if you get it at home and don’t have to leave your houses. You know what that is called? It’s called having a lazy, bias, and skewed film critique. I can see small children not knowing any better, but the adults that are loving this film should be. Those of you who recommend this version of Mulan, I hope that by the end of 2020, or by the end of this pandemic, when the dust settles, maybe you can re-watch this without nostalgia goggles, and change your poor critique reflection. You need to look past the glitz and glamour, be true to your heart, and not have Disney make a turd out of you.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: RENT-A-PAL

RENT-A-PAL is a new straight to streaming movie that most of you haven’t heard of and that most of you will probably never watch. This is a movie whose log line premise summary on IMDB I just need to get out of the way in order to explain my feelings on it in general: “Set in 1990, a lonely bachelor named David (Brian Landis Folkins) searches for an escape from the day-to-day drudgery of caring for his aging mother (Kathleen Brady). While seeking a partner through a video dating service, he discovers a strange VHS tape called Rent-A-Pal. Hosted by the charming and charismatic Andy (Wil Wheaton), the tape offers him much-needed company, compassion, and friendship. But, Andy’s friendship comes at a cost, and David desperately struggles to afford the price of admission.” It’s a neat premise, which unfortunately itself ends up coming at a cost with a 3rd act so predictable and by the book, it weakens the very strong first two thirds of the movie. Plus, there seemed to be some set ups that didn’t have any pay offs, I’ll list an example later in the review. The only recognizable face in this for you is going to be Wil Wheaton, who you might know from Star Trek The Next Generation or playing himself many times on The Big Bang Theory. He is the main reason I’m recommending this slightly as a one time watch. His performance is completely reliant on how he sales his VHS ‘pal’ character and he pulls off the subtle creepy vibe magnificently. Brian Landis Folkins, who plays David, also does a great job, but unfortunately the cliched actions of his character almost ruin the film at the end. It was just so unpredictable until those final moments, and if you watch this, you’ll know the exact moment it went off the rails for me.

The real question the movie asks of its viewer is: “is this VHS tape somehow supernatural and really talking to David, or are the awkward parts of the video all in David’s head as he is slowly losing his mind?” Again, I liked the subtlety of how that answer is eventually revealed, but in some instances, it didn’t go as far as I would’ve liked it to. Without giving away any spoilers, and as an example of a set up that this movie didn’t pay off, when David first starts watching the tape, Wil Wheaton’s Andy character keeps getting interrupted by a ringing phone next to the seat that he’s in, a seat he doesn’t really get up from all that much in the entire video. He picks up the phone two to three times and then puts it back down and apologizes to the viewer for the interruptions. Yeah, that never comes back up. No explanation, even when the movie answers the real question it asks. Unless I missed something. There were several unpredictable ways I thought of, other paths the movie could’ve taken with different endings, that I felt would’ve left its target audience feel that everything that came before was earned, more so than the predictable horror/slasher moments that we do end up getting. Before you argue with me, I do realize that this isn’t my movie. I didn’t not write, film, or act in it, so I realize this is newcomer writer/director Jon Stevenson’s vision. And he has a solid vision to be sure, I’m just telling you that I was a little let down by events that transpired in the last 15-20 minutes of the movie. Just me though. You might think it’s the best thing since sliced bread so don’t go solely off my review of whether you want to check this out or not, as some critics have called it “one of the best of the year.” I just wanted different and more. Everyone has different takes on things and I can see why some people really, really, really like this movie. The film is well shot and well acted, its creepy vibe and tone is almost pitch perfect, and I do recommend this as a one time view, but I would not, could not, rent this again, knowing that my ‘pal’ would ultimately disappoint me again in the climax.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: UNPREGNANT (HBO Max)

UNPREGNANT, just released today on HBO Max, is the exact opposite of Never Rarely Sometimes Always, a heavy, heavy drama that came out earlier this year that is eyeing Oscar gold come 2021. However, they will both are still gonna have their detractors. They are both about a woman getting an abortion. While NRSA is a sad road trip movie to the point of depression, Unpregnant is a comedy road trip movie that that will elicit a chuckle or two. Both are only one time watches for me, and both of them will be complained about, NRSA for being too damn depressing while Unpregnant will have complaints pertaining something to the kin that you can’t make a comedy when the subject matter is abortion. So either movie, neither are going to win over everyone. At least Unpregnant’s laughs are much more sweet than they are raunchy and it focuses on the relationship between the two girls that are making the trip. The reason why it was a one time watch for me is that everything that happens in it I’ve seen in comedy road trip movies before. Literally nothing new. And it doesn’t really have all that much to say about abortion either believe it or not, no matter how much the film thinks it does. It isn’t all pro choice or all pro life, it briskly rides the line between the two, which I don’t necessarily know if that was the right call. Especially some of the narrative decisions of the actions of a specific supporting character, which I’ll get to later. Unpregnant isn’t unwatchable, but it definitely leaves me uninterested to give it another go.

Per IMDB, it describes Unpregnant as: “A 17-year old Missouri teen named Veronica discovers she has gotten pregnant, a development that threatens to end her dreams of matriculating at an Ivy League college, and the career that will follow.” To expand upon that weird log line that doesn’t really say amuch about the movie, Veronica decides to get an abortion and drive almost 1000 to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where she doesn’t need the consent of her mother because she’s only 17 (the actress, Haley Lu Richardson, by the way, is 25-26, and this is about the last time she’s going to be able to pull off playing a high schooler). She manages to snag an estranged and almost forgotten close friend named Bailey to drive her there and keep her company, but little does she realize that their strained friendship will hit a few more bumps in the road along the way before it has the chance to be as strong as it once was. Will Veronica make it to New Mexico and back over a weekend before her mother finds out what she’s doing and if she does make it, will she even go through with the abortion? And will she and Bailey be able to mend the friendship that once was inseparable? Where the movie should’ve had more debatable dialogue and discussions pertaining to the first question, one would argue that the movie didn’t do that because it didn’t want to offend anyone. Really? That’s their excuse?

Also, did they really have to make the supposed father of the pregnancy an asshole douche bag just to write around having to make the movie morally ambiguous? I would’ve like to see the would be dad be a nice and caring young man that really wants to have the child, therefore making the viewer question the actions of the protagonist. But nope, they make him seem like a creep-o stalker that didn’t tell her that the condom broke when they were having sex a month ago. It was a cop out, screenplay wise. The girls also run into some religious pro life nut jobs about half way in, and even though that situation was handled a bit better than the protagonist’s boyfriend was, the story didn’t go where it needed to for any of the messages or morals of that altercation to have a deeper meaning. The main thing that makes the movie watchable and worth an hour and 48 minutes of your time is the chemistry between the two leads, Haley Lu Richardson and Barbie Ferreira, specifically the latter with her hilarious facial expressions and one liners. Their relationship journey completely makes the movie, even though every situation they run into, whether trying to hide out from the cops or meeting possible love interests along the way, came from the ‘Idiots Guide To Road Trip Comedy Screenwriting.’ I would’ve liked the movie to dig into the issue of abortion a bit more. I think if the writers, one of them being Jenni Hendriks, whose novel this movie is based on, sat down and really took their time to craft some smart jokes while trying to educate people about the moral implications of an abortion, this movie could’ve been something special. But it’s just another road trip comedy, an anti Never Rarely Sometimes Always, a forgettable sweet afternoon snack.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BABYSITTER 2 – KILLER QUEEN (NETFLIX)

Any streaming service should know that you might have a problem with about 75% of your original movies, when two of the best ones in that 25% include evil babysitters, cult group sacrifices, blood, guts, gore…and Bella Thorne. The Babysitter was a huge sleeper surprise hit back in 2017 for Netflix. No one ever thought that writer/director McG would make his best film on a streaming platform known for it’s 3/4ths of mediocrity, sometimes just plain bullshit. But that film is an absolute blast, and you could tell McG was having a grand ol’ time having fun and not trying to be too serious but letting his creative juices flow at the same time. Instead of ending up with something like Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, which felt like he tried too hard with too many quick shots, cuts, fast edits and manic energy all over the place, he realized with a streaming service not breathing down his back to just breathe and take his time a little. There’s still manic energy in that film, but it’s focused, works to the films’ advantage, but most importantly, it lets some scenes breathe. For being less than an hour and 30 minutes, it still felt like we got to know all the characters and it let scenes take their time when they needed to, and not when they didn’t. The movie even put Samara Weaving (who played the titular babysitter) on the map. THE BABYSITTER: KILLER QUEEN, with director McG returning but also dipping his hand in the screenplay this time, is not only as good as the original, but even better in some parts, narrative wise, than its predecessor. It’s just plain fun. Definitely the pick me up I’m betting the $30 Mulan on Disney+ Premiere couldn’t provide.

If you are interested in this movie, and haven’t seen the first one, try to not watch any trailers for either film, just expect a hard Rated R film with a bunch of blood, shocks, and surprises, and you are good to go. The trailer for the first film shows a little too much, and the trailer for the second film shows a little too much as well, even if it is revealing things more in between the lines than outright and is a bit better at hiding its secrets. Just read these two IMDB descriptions of the first two films, and you are good to go to just press play: The first film – “The events of one evening take an unexpected turn for the worst for a young boy trying to spy on his babysitter” and the second film – “Two years after Cole survived a satanic blood cult, he’s living another nightmare: high school. And the demons from his past? Still making his life hell.” Pretty much almost everybody comes back from the previous movie, and the way the movie eventually gets to the typical sequel formula, that is possibly killing these demons one by one in the most gruesome way possible, isn’t so typical. In fact, there are two big story shockers in the movie that I didn’t see coming. This sequel blindsides you with the fact that you didn’t really know any of the characters that much in the first film, and expands upon them a little, with development choices that completely make sense in context to what we knew, or didn’t know, previously. You’ll see what I’m talking about when it happens. At first you’ll be confused and say: “wait, what?” And then with about two minutes of thinking it’ll turn into: “holy shit, it makes sense, can’t believe they pulled that off!”

Combine that with the more of the quippy dialogue that references pop culture and different movies that we got from the first film. Combine that with more of that zany energy and laugh out loud moments/jokes that we got from the first movie. And combine that with (Randy from Scream 2 would be proud) more gore, more kills, more carnage candy that us core audience just expects from a sequel, and you get something just as good if not better in some ways than the first. It’s not Empire Strikes Back, Aliens, or Terminator 2 kind of superior, in some ways its better and some ways its the same, the perfect double feature if you will. Judah Lewis is back as Cole, and even though he looks much, much older than he did the first time, in the almost 3 year gap since the first one (only two years later in the movie for high school purposes) he hasn’t lost any of the geeky heroic-ness mannerisms he had. Emily Alyn Lind gets much, much more screen time in this film, and it certainly doesn’t go to waste. Jenna Ortega is the film’s fresh face, and her performance in this is a warm welcome considering she just signed on to play a lead in Scream 5. The supporting demons still haven’t lost a step. Hana Mae Lee, the silent girl in the Pitch Perfect films, is as cool and weird as ever, Andrew Bachelor gets more screen time here to full effect (the movie even pokes fun at itself that he does get more screentime), and the Robbie Amell shirtless jokes here definitely hit harder and are more belly ache laughter inducing than the first one.

The weakest link is…no surprise…Bella Thorne. I think she is very limited as an actress in general, and having one film high up on my worst list of this year, Infamous, I wasn’t expecting her to win me over here. But I thought that since she was decent in the first movie and that McG gets the best out of his actors, that she would be decent in this one again. However, I think social media fame has gotten the best of her as she has some weird line delivery issues in the sequel, but thankfully she’s not in the film that long. Not all of her line delivery is weird though, just a couple of moments that could’ve used another take or two. Then again, Ken Marino is in this again too and has a different movie high up on my worst list this year, The Sleepover, but here he’s fine and not that annoying. **********MAJOR SPOILER WARNING FOR THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH, SKIP TO NEXT ONE IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS MOVIE OR THE TRAILER************************************************ Let’s get to the elephant in the room for those that have watched the trailer or heard news about this sequel when it started filming. Where is Samara Weaving? It showed she survived the first film in a mid credits sequence, but in the promotional materials and the casting call sheet about a year ago, her name is no where to be found. Luckily, not to worry. The end of the trailer teased her return, and the film delivers. And even though it is more of a glorified extended cameo, she’s still a very important part of the story it turns out, and I’m glad that getting famous off of the film Ready or Not didn’t go to her head and she didn’t just abandon the franchise she was known for being the true star of. ********************************END OF MAJOR SPOILERS************************************

Like I said, The Babysitter: Killer Queen is a whole lot of just plain fun. Something I and many other people might truly need right now. I’m surprised that this sequel wasn’t more heavily promoted. Were they afraid it wasn’t good and just more of the same, but not as good in its execution? Granted you have 4 writers compared to the first’s one, but they managed to come together to deliver something just as entertaining, and didn’t treat us like sequel idiots that so many sequels tend to do. McG definitely didn’t slack on this one either. He treats it like a rip roaring, actually fun and adventurous reunion of sorts even though it’s only been 3 years and not 10 like some lame high school ones tend to be (I didn’t go to mine, that’s how lame it sounded). The movie starts strong, doesn’t lag and doesn’t let up until the end credits. Speaking of end credits, make sure you stay through just the mid credits, as just like last time, there is another short scene that possibly teases a third film. Even though if they just ended it here, it would be fine. But if they do make a third one, hopefully they have more tricks up their sleeve and introduce another unique and realistic way to continue the story and still have Cole just battling his same demons all over again. Last time, it all took place in a house, here it is mostly a rocky and watery terrain in the middle of nowhere. Maybe shakes things up and the next one be at the high school or even college campus? The possibilities are endless. Thankfully with this spectacular sequel, if everybody does come back again a third time around, both cast and crew, the trilogy could still end up being…killer.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HOOKING UP

HOOKING UP is another straight to video movie that came out earlier this year, and like my last movie review Buffaloed, I just bid my time yet again to when it came on a streaming service that I already partake in. Hence, it just came on Hulu, hence I’m reviewing it for you since 2020 sucks. But this movie does not, it’s actually a decent and cute one time watch with good performances from both Brittany Snow and Sam Richardson, especially the former. The only thing hindering it from becoming a multiple time viewed comedy hit is that it gets bogged down in a couple of cliches near the climax of the film, which makes it drag, until it saves itself with a little less predictable ending than you would think a raunchy sex comedy like this would get. It starts out as just another crude to be crude type movie you’ve seen before but quickly veers into more sweet and emotional territory, which is why this ultimately gets a slight recommendation from me. But only if you have time to spare one afternoon or evening and you are not trying to hook up with someone and trying to have lots and lots of sex during these COVID quarantine times. The jokes land about 60-40, which isn’t bad for something straight to video, and thankfully the sweet stuff lands about 80-20 to make up for the things that don’t work in its favor.

IMDB describes Hooking up as such: “After he receives a new cancer diagnosis and she is fired from her job as a sex columnist, Bailey and Darla take a road trip that forces them to get intimate with their issues, as well as each other.” Simple enough. That description tells you its a sex comedy road trip movie with feelings. That’s what it is. Bailey is also dealing with a recent break up from a high school sweetheart and Darla is trying to get her job back by writing a last chance column for her boss, played feisty by the always welcome Jordana Brewster (I’d have her yell at me any day of the week she’s so hot in this), while trying to come to terms about how her sexual promiscuity has hurt people in the past. Darla last chance column is on Bailey’s cancer journey and she’s writing it behind his back…you see where this is going don’t you? Once that very predictable confrontation scene happens, the movie drags a bit, but like I said earlier, the ending saves it. It really does, as you think it will go all the way in one direction, but it ends up in an “acute” yet more reasonable path. Rather than going for a straight out ending of declarations of forgiveness and I love you’s that are beginning to get annoying in other films at this point, it tries to be realistic enough. To give you a different perspective, my wife watched it with me and liked it much more than I did…so there you go. For me, Hooking Up is like a decent one-night stand, you are ultimately glad it happened, it felt good and you don’t feel dirty afterwards, even though it will probably never happen again.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BUFFALOED

BUFFALOED came out earlier this year, right before coronavirus as a rental, but I bid my time and waited for it to come to a streaming service I currently have, and lo and behold, Hulu just got it. I’ve wanted to see it because Zoey Deutch is in it, the daughter of Back To The Future’s Lea Thompson, and no matter how crappy or sappy the project that Ms. Deutch is in, she always…ALWAYS livens it up. Not to mention she is nice to look at and I happen to have her autograph on a theatrical poster of a different movie. Whether it be the meh Flower film that came out a bit ago or that cliched yet sort of fun Netflix rom com Set It Up, she always seems like she wants to be there and always brings her A game. I’ve been hoping that a really good and better than mediocre movie showcasing her talents would come along one day and Buffaloed…is it but just barely. Got in there at literally the last minute. Not to say that Buffaloed is only okay, no it’s really good it just needed to be a little bit longer to showcase the movies subject matter a little bit deeper. Speaking of subject matter, per IMDB, it’s log line summary for Buffaloed is as follows: “Set in the underworld of debt-collecting and follows the homegrown hustler Peg Dahl, who will do anything to escape Buffalo, NY.” Obviously Zoey Deutch plays Peg Dahl and her amazingly tense fun and bonkers performance makes Buffaloed better than it has any right to be.

The movie’s conclusion is a little ham-fisted in that what all preceded it was a little one sided, and I wish it would’ve gone into some of the fictional lives/characters who were in debt that this fictional agency was calling to get money from. Instead those lives that the movie could’ve delved into, maybe make the film 10 to 15 minutes longer and tighter, are relegated to a few lines of dialogue. When the end-end of the movie happens, it didn’t quite feel earned altogether, even if it was earned for Deutch’s character arc. And Zoey Deutch isn’t the only great performance in this. Come for her, but stay for both her and Jai Courtney, who kind of got shafted several years ago career wise when he tried his hand into the franchise fizzled reboot/sequels such as the ‘meh’ A Good Day To Die Hard and the awful…abysmal Terminator Genisys. He showed a spark as Captain Boomerang in Suicide Squad, especially with how little his character is actually in that movie, but the spark is a full on flame here. His greasy, scheme wise asshole debt collector character almost steals scenes out from under Ms. Deutch. But only almost. She’s the true star of this movie and the main reason I’m recommending this film to you. Jai second, comedy third, story fourth. And the film has a nice and short run time of only an hour and 34 minutes, which you can’t really beat that nowadays, everything else being so epic and all. But like I said, another 10 minutes could’ve made the film tighter even if it made it a little longer. So if you have Hulu or are willing to shell out a couple of bucks for a rental if this whole thing sounds intriguing, I recommend giving this film a go. If you are looking at a deep dive into the inner workings of a debt collection agency, this film will give you a few pointers but ultimately it will be up to you to do more research.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: I’M THINKING OF ENDING THINGS (Netflix)

I’m thinking I did not like I’M THINKING OF ENDING THINGS. Not one bit. In fact, this has now replaced Relic as the most critically overrated film of 2020 so far for me. And it’s not that I didn’t “get” it. I got it all right. In fact, I suspected what was really going on almost only 10 minutes into the movie (and I was right, and I hated that I was right because it’s one of those endings that has been done to DEATH). I just couldn’t get invested in any of it. The acting was good, but I didn’t any of the characters and didn’t feel for any of their plight (that fact becomes even more so when the movie reveals its entire hand). The dialogue seemed like it was trying to sound smart, fast, and quippy, when in fact it came off as pretentious and it resulted in scenes that just dragged on and on and on and on. At 2 hours and 14 minutes, this film was WAY too long. This film reminds me of Darren Aronofsky’s mother!, where it just kept screaming in your face the phrase “DO YOU GET IT?!?” the entire run time and doesn’t go much in depth or really have much to say in terms of getting old, depression, Alzheimer’s, etc. etc. etc. It’s artistic trash, and I don’t really care for those types of films. Fans of Aronofsky, Paul Thomas Anderson, and Charlie Kaufman (who wrote and directed this) will just eat this film up. And maybe you are, and if so, perfectly fine. I get the fans of their films, I really do, my tastes just refuse to accept a lot of the allegorical nonsense. In fact, I think I might only be a fan of one of each of their movies, Kaufman’s being Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. I don’t know, if you are a fan of Kaufman’s and these types of movies, you be the ultimate judge if its premise intrigues you enough to watch it. Don’t listen to what I have to say. But I have a feeling that a lot of modern audiences won’t get past the first hour on Netflix, and soon many will just be thinking of ending things by deleting it from their ‘continue watching’ list.

IMDB’s description of the film is pretty vague: “Full of misgivings, a young woman travels with her new boyfriend to his parents’ secluded farm. Upon arriving, she comes to question everything she thought she knew about him, and herself.” The films stars Jesee Plemons, Jessie Buckley, David Thewlis, and Toni Collette. And their acting is great in this, there is no doubt, especially Jesse Buckley, who was fantastic in 2018’s Wild Rose, but I don’t see any of them nominated come Oscar time, especially when the Academy finds films like this hard to swallow as much as I do. I was completely and utterly bored the entire film. I couldn’t get invested in the philosophical dialogue, which made me not get invested with or make me care about any of the characters, which made me feel like I couldn’t care less of what was going on. Anyone that says the movie was too confusing, like Tenet, is just kidding themselves. The movie gives you all the evidence you need to piece together all the strange shit that is happening/going on, in fact, I would say it does too much of it too soon, even during the 20 minute long car ride at the beginning of the film. It reveals its cards so early to the point where I was hoping and praying that where it was going wasn’t going to be the ultimate route the film took, but alas, it did. And anybody saying that a film hasn’t done that cliched and tired ending in that way before are making excuses for why they think the movie is “brilliant.” It’s been done like that before, you just haven’t heard of or seen any of the better films that it has been included in.

I’m Thinking Of Ending Things is just artsy fartsy for the sake of being artsy fartsy. It thinks it is smarter than it is, which to me feels like Charlie Kaufman likes to pat himself on the back too much. I’ll give him these things and these things only to pat himself on the back for: the shots and cinematography in this are gorgeous. That’s it. And sometimes the dialogue gets in the way of the beautiful scenery. It’s like you are watching the sunset at the Grand Canyon while someone is yelling right in your face and trying to sell you something you’ve said no to about a dozen times. It’s annoying, beautiful, frustrating trash. One of the worst films of the year for me. I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel. My wife came in near the end of the film, watched about ten minutes, and guessed what was going on and even said, “this seems weird and pretentious, have fun watching the rest of it.” Yeah, I didn’t have much fun at all. There is no way this movie would’ve made any money at the theater and I bet you a million dollars that Netflix executives watched it and said, “boy, we don’t really get or like this movie but hey, let’s buy it anyway to try and win Oscars, Oscars, Oscars! It’s Charlie Kaufman for Christ’s sake!!!” Yeah well, that’s where you went wrong. This film might be critically acclaimed right now, but come Oscar time, many people will have not even seen this let alone have finished it for it to be remembered for any awards next Spring. By this time next year, I’m thinking that it will be mostly forgotten.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LOVE, GUARANTEED (Netflix)

If and when you start LOVE, GUARANTEED, you will immediately ask yourself, “wait a minute…isn’t that the girl from She’s All That and Josie And The Pussycats? What the heck happened to her?” Well, other than starring in a few cheesy Hallmark channel like holiday romance movies, she’s mostly devoted her life to public service and to taking care of and being in the lives of her two children. I don’t think Rachel Leigh Cook really wanted to be famous, she wanted a steady job, some normalcy, and just wanted a good life for her and her family. You know what I say to that? Good. For. Her. So why is she coming out of the shadows and starring (and producing) in this new cheesy romantic comedy that is #2 on Netflix’s top ten list? The paycheck? Who cares really? She was adorable in those two other films she is primarily known for, and she ends up still being just as adorable here, not missing a step since stealing our and Freddie Prinze Jr.’s hearts in 1999. Normally, it seems like I am a big grouch when it comes to “Netflix Originals.” I only like maybe 1 out of every 10 of them that are released, and it would seem I am certainly not too kind to each and every romantic comedy that peeks its head in almost every other week (aka Work It, Feel The Beat, The Kissing Booth movies). But the difference between Love, Guaranteed and those films is that they try and be something they are not (they scream and proclaim from the mountain tops, “oh no, we aren’t schlocky love stories at all, we are completely original!) and in the end seem like they made their target audience look like idiots for even starting the movie in their queues. Love, Guaranteed is indeed another schmaltzy love schlock story we are used to getting from the mass producing streaming, but this movie seems to know that it is, and embraces it (if you don’t end up getting that notion, wait for the final shot, which basically screa, “DO YOU GET IT?!” right in your face). Combine that with Rachel Leigh Cook’s adorableness, this ends up getting a rare recommendation from me.

Per IMDB, it describes Love, Guaranteed with the summary: “To save her small law firm, earnest lawyer Susan (Rachel Leigh Cook) takes a high-paying case from Nick (Damon Wayans, Jr.), a charming new client who wants to sue a dating website that guarantees love. But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick’s feelings for each other.” Let’s all face facts, you know how this films ends, it’s a romantic comedy so there is literally no other way for it to. Every little thread is tied up nicely, and the film almost literally has its cake and eats it too. So what about the journey to get to that predictable end? Predictable as well, but the movies screenplay and Cook and Wayans’ chemistry has more than enough cute pep in its step to be able to cross the finish line in tact. The only thing I wish the movie had more of were examples of dates that Damon Wayans Jr. had to go on before he could reach the 1,000 (that’s right, 1,000) clause on the dating website’s terms and conditions to be able to sue the company. But I realize why it didn’t. The movie’s concept clearly toe’s an offensive line with a guy going on a date with 1,000 girls and not being able to find a match with any of them. Women in this movie’s target audience I could see getting a little miffed if it showed that many girls being rejected by one guy because of their weird attitude or quirks. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t have Wayans’ character being a jerk or rude at all during these dates (in fact all the girls say that he was quite the gentleman when Cook does some investigation into his case), hence when I say it only ‘toe’s the line.’ If the film did end up showing more examples of his bad dates, it would’ve crossed that line, with many women saying the film didn’t have an accurate portrayal of women on dates and dating sites.

I would’ve probably end up agreeing with that thought, as when I think about the film’s concept, it might’ve been better if it were reversed, Wayans being the lawyer, and Rachel Leigh Cook being the one that sued the dating site. I have more women friends than men friends and let me tell you, a lot of men are absolutely fucking terrible monsters when it comes to online dating (I was lucky enough not to ever have to go online to meet someone). You don’t know how many horror stories I’ve heard from my women friends the things that men end up doing during these dates. It’s horrible. A couple of dates then ghosting, a couple of dates, then sex, then ghosting…you can only imagine. I doubt men would’ve been offended if it had showed how many bad dates a women went on, because if some of them ended up saying something, they would’ve just looked like hypocritical assholes. With everything I’ve heard, I can tell you that 9 times out of 10, women aren’t the problem when it comes to online dating. The whole film is a commentary on online dating, it has a message that not many people take internet dating seriously, they can always find someone else, so they don’t take any value into the people that they meet online. I feel like the message would’ve hit home more if the roles were reversed. But that would’ve made the film a bit more serious, and serious was not on this movies’ resume. Two women wrote this film, so its hard to argue with its merits, if two guys had, this film might’ve not even been made. A man did direct this which was rather odd, especially cause it is Mark Steven Johnson, who used to direct blockbuster comic book films in the early to mid 2000s such as Ben Affleck’s Daredevil or Nicholas Cage’s Ghost Writer. This film kind of pulls at the collar of his career now doesn’t it? The two women screenwriters still though could’ve written it as a role reversal, and I hope that one day someone actually does and makes a film a bit more serious and thought provoking, but for Love, Guaranteed being what it is, it works well enough to coast by in an afternoon of anyone’s leisure. I can’t guarantee you will enjoy this film, but I do have an inkling, being that it made Netflix’s top ten list for a couple of days..which I can guarantee you is no easy feat, being that there is so much other shit on the streaming platform for people to gobble up.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LOST GIRLS & LOVE HOTELS

Harsh critics of Lost In Translation: “What the fuck? Nothing happens in this movie!!!” LOST GIRLS & LOVE HOTELS: “Hold my beer.” This new movie, which was filmed back in 2017 but is finally getting distributed, wasn’t supposed to come to streaming platforms till 9/18. Apparently VUDU didn’t get that memo. To be fair, September 4th was its original release but I think it got delayed because it didn’t want to compete with Tenet, Mulan, New Mutants, & the beginning of The Boys Season 2 for your attention (even though you probably have no clue what this film even is), so they moved it to a date where nothing new comes into theaters. I’m guessing that VUDU didn’t change the film’s date…probably because who’s ever in charge with programming on the website, again, doesn’t even know what this fucking film is to care. It stars Baywatch’s, True Detective Season One Episode Two’s, and Percy’s Jackson’s Alexandra Daddario and if I had to describe it without any details of a plot it would be: Lost In Translation meets a softer core version of 50 Shades of Grey. And literally almost nothing happens in the movie. Well, stuff happens, but I didn’t get anything out of it like I did Lost In Translation. I ended up just buying this on VUDU really quick and watching it, because neither of my boss’s are here at work today (Labor Day weekend), and I’ve already done what I needed to get done work load wise. I bought instead of rented, because I had a $3 VUDU credit, and to own this was only $3 more than rental. Plus, I mean…Daddario does get nude in it (hardly though, lower your expectations), which is her first time since her um…debut…in True Detective Season One Episode Two. You know that scene. In fact, I’m calling it now: #ReleaseTheDaddarioDDCut, because this film is so choppy, meaning it’s editing is a bit much in some scenes, that it seems like all the sex parts were cut for content. Possibly at Daddario’s shy request? I doubt we will ever find out.

But let me get to the positives. First off, this movie isn’t terrible. Alexandra Daddario easily gives the best performance of her career in it. This is the first film I didn’t just see her as “Alexandra Daddario.” To me, that’s a huge accomplishment. In fact, all the acting is pretty damn decent. The film also has some gorgeous shots and cinematography. And some of the situational narrative elements work, but only some. And that’s pretty much it. If you are coming for a decent story to go along with the acting and imagery, look far far elsewhere. In terms of story…whoa…IMDB has a long summary for this, so I’m just going to use that because it would take me about three paragraphs to describe anything of value that happens in this movie and I’d end up just spoiling it: “Margaret (Alexandra Daddario) finds herself in the glittering labyrinth of Tokyo by night and as a respected English teacher of a Japanese flight attendant academy by day. With little life direction, Margaret searches for meaning with fellow ex-pats (Carice Van Houten) in a Japanese dive bar, drinking to remember to forget and losing herself in love hotel encounters with men who satisfy a fleeting craving. When Margaret crosses paths with a dashing Yakuza, Kazu (Takehiro Hira), she falls in love with him despite the danger and tradition that hinders their chances of being together. We follow Margaret through the dark and light of love and what it means to find oneself abroad with a youthful abandon. Helmed by award winning director William Olsson (Reliance), and written by Catherine Hanrahan, Adapted from her acclaimed novel; Lost Girls and Love Hotels.”

Has anyone even heard of this novel? I think its Canadian. I had no idea the author adapted the screenplay from her own book until I just looked it up, but even if she wasn’t, I can probably guarantee you the book is better, because it probably has more what’s and why’s of the inner turmoil of the main character. I felt her plight in this, but I wasn’t convinced by it, if that makes any sense. She just goes and has a lot of dark bondage sex with random Japanese men but I don’t feel that her depression is quite earned in this movie, she needed more of a backstory. We get some, but it’s fleeting and it doesn’t much explain why she does what she does. Unless I missed something. There is some narration at the beginning, parts of the middle, and end of the movie, and I feel as though the movie should’ve been either narrated completely throughout it, or we should’ve gotten a couple of flashbacks to fit more narrative pieces of the puzzle together. This isn’t supposed to be Tenet for God’s sake. Oh well look-e-here…doing some research on the novel, THERE ARE FLASHBACKS IN IT!!! And the flashbacks explain her depression and deep dives into the reasoning of her dark sides of life. WHY WEREN’T THESE INCLUDED IN THE MOVIE?!? Budget perhaps? Even so, if these scenes were filmed and cut…why? If they weren’t…WHY? This would’ve made me more emotionally invested in everything, the “plot,” the characters…I don’t understand what went wrong here. When this movie is officially released, I have a feeling a lot of other critics that watch this will have the same pros and cons as I. The movie is shot well, the acting is solid, the chemistry between Daddario and Takehiro Hira is solid as well, but the movie’s substance is very lacking, making it seem like not much takes place, except for one little minor scuffle at the end. I wanted to love this movie…but most of its structure was…pun intended…lost in translation for me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC

BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC is eerily similar to a release of a third film in a franchise that came out earlier this year, Bad Boys For Life. Both of them are my least favorite of the series thus far, but saying that is definitely non-heinous. Both films have actors that haven’t been in their roles for a long time. Both films actually have more plot than their previous entries in the series. The movies have sweet messages that are very much needed in this nightmare world we are living in right now. However, both movies are a bit awkwardly directed and maybe someone else should’ve been picked for the job, but hey, you get what you pay for, and these sequels were made on relatively smaller budgets than their first entries. But I mean, even on a small budget, it shouldn’t be THAT hard to get the same actor in dual roles in one frame of a shot, instead of doing a shit ton of shot/reverse shots…right? It sounds like a minor complaint, but considering the Bill & Ted series has to do with time travel, confronting different versions of yourself & that the previous movies were able to get both Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in one frame when they were interacting with those dual versions…doesn’t that seem a bit…unforgivable? There are so many quick cut shot/reverse shots in this it was starting to give me a bogus headache. But I digress, the rest of the movie is quite excellent, it’s well acted, it’s funny, it ends the series on a pitch perfect climax and has one of the best after credit scenes I’ve ever seen. Highly recommend that you face your wallet and that you try and take this journey or adventure whenever you’ve got the time, and if you haven’t seen any of the series yet, what are you waiting for?

This series is unique by the fact that both Bill & Ted are just lovable, dumb, clueless, yet sweet goofballs that always do their best to try and do the right thing. They don’t really get mad at anybody, they don’t hold grudges, they don’t curse anyone out or fight anyone. IMDB describes Face The Music as such: “Once told they’d save the universe during a time-traveling adventure, 2 would-be rockers from San Dimas, California find themselves as middle-aged dads still trying to crank out a hit song and fulfill their destiny.” In the third entry, they still are very much in love with their princess wives and interact and love their offspring who are just smarter girl versions of themselves (same mannerisms and all). They have spent three decades trying to save the world, and when we finally see them again, 29 years after the last movie, they haven’t given up. They are still that loyal to the cause. That’s what makes this film unique, is that any other franchise sequel would’ve had them estranged from their wives, turned them into jerks so that they could have a redemption story line, and/or be awful parents and then try to turn them into good parents by films end. Nope, none of that, their only real problem in this is that they only have seventy something minutes to write the song that saves the world, and each time they travel into the future to try and steal the song from themselves, they just get further and further from their goal it seems. It’s quite a simple story, but it is one that ties up everything from the first two films and ends the series pretty much perfectly. Speaking of writing and playing the song that is supposed to unite and save the world, everybody and their mom watching this movie knows that the screenplay writers (Ed Solomon & Chris Matheson wrote all three entries thankfully) could never ever write a good enough song to save the world, so how is this movie going to solve that realistic dilemma without cutting to black right before they play it, a cheap move that a lot of other movies would’ve done to get around that narrative problem? Don’t worry, I won’t reveal what the film does, but needless to say, I didn’t see their solution to that problem coming.

At first I was worried that Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter would’ve seemed off when they first appeared on screen, having not played those roles in 29 years. But they haven’t missed a step. They ARE Bill & Ted, and from minute one you know they are going to be the same lovable duo you grew up watching when you were a kid. I won’t reveal much of their adventure here, but needless to say, it tries to combine the adventures from the first and second movies, mix it together, and make them unique for the third, and I say that everyone pulled it off pretty well. When Reeves and Winter aren’t on screen and stealing the show, it’s the actresses that play their daughters, Samara Weaving & Brigette Lundy-Paine that do. They got all of Bill & Ted’s mannerism and ways of speaking down pat. And when all four of them aren’t on screen, Anthony Carrigan, who plays NoHo Hank on HBO’s Barry, steals it out from under everyone else. I dare not reveal who his character is, but he is the most unrecognizable one of the bunch. And other than the too many shot/reverse shots, the special effects work well enough within the context of the film (definitely better than the first two for sure), and I thought the climax was a bit visually stunning. It’s just a solid good film that maybe could’ve been perfect if they had had a different director and bigger budget. Sorry Dean Parisot, but your one great film, Galaxy Quest, will always be #1 in my heart…but then again you had more money there. Bill & Ted Face The Music is just a nice, sweet movie with a good heart that we need right now, because in 2020, unfortunately no one is excellent to each other, and people keep partying on in a bad way, trying to ignore a virus for political and selfish reasons. I can bet we are all wishing for a phone booth time machine right about now to get out of this hellhole. For now, this film will do.