While ANT-MAN AND THE WASP is definitely a better film than the first, it certainly is not Marvel’s best. It’s right there in the middle with Doctor Strange and GOTG Vol. 2 meaning, “good, but maybe not as memorable down the line.” It’s a good, half way decent little treat and a fun summer escapist adventure that is pretty funny at times and isn’t as dark and serious like recent fare we’ve gotten with Avengers Infinity War and most of Black Panther. Have you ever been to one of those taste tasting experiences? Where they have the cracker and water to cleanse your palette before the next food item? While it’s a little refreshing, you definitely won’t remember that cracker and water later? That is this film. It’s a more personal story and the stakes aren’t that high, probably because they can’t be considering the stakes at the end of Infinity War. But that’s okay, because I didn’t need the stakes to be that high to enjoy this film. I mean, it looks like Citizen Kane next to The First Purge and Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom. I don’t think I could’ve asked or considered getting much more than that.

I’m not going to get into the plot of the film other than to say the reason why Scott Lang isn’t with the Avengers in Infinity War is that he’s been under house arrest for two years for violating the Socovia Accords. He only has a few days left and is trying to have those days come and go peacefully, but a couple of weird visions he has and the return of Hope and Hank might make things a bit complicated for him. While I am recommending this film wholeheartedly, it does have some problems, so let me get those out of the way before I get to the praising parts. While the film is very funny at times, there were about a handful of joke beats and some humor that really didn’t work, like they were trying to force a couple of laughs. It didn’t come off too well and you will know the humor when it comes, because you’ll be making that half smile face you make when a friend makes a lame joke and you just want them to move on. Next, while Marvel was beginning to solve its villain problem with their past couple of films, this definitely felt like a step backward. I didn’t expect this Ghost to be more intriguing or elegant than Thanos or Erik Killmonger, but I expected a little more of the villains’ plight and a bit more screen time that didn’t involve fighting or trying to kick Ant-Man and the Wasps ass. And I know that while you see that Walton Goggins is part of the cast, and while he is sort of a villain and Goggins always brings his A game, he’s more of a side ordinary human villain that really isn’t going to be memorable that down the line. Come on Marvel, if you get Walton Goggins, use him for something fantastic where he can bring his ultimately A+ game in scene chewery! Also, you might see Michelle Phieffer in the promotional material for the film but she is more of a MacGuffin than a character and it is really just a glorified cameo. Even though I did say this movie is better than the original, the only thing the original did better was its villain in Yellowjacket.

Phew, ok, got my criticisms out of the way. Let’s get to the good and fun stuff for why I really do like and recommend this film. I mentioned some of the humor not working earlier, however, when it does work, it works like gold. You can thank Paul Rudd and Michael Pena for that. Michael Pena completely steals every scene he is in. He has another one of those “stories” like in the original where it flashes back and his voice takes over all of the other characters. The one in this was definitely the funniest and the best. I’ve always loved Michael Pena, and we always need more of him. Paul Rudd does his Paul Rudd funny schtick most of the film, and he is as hilarious and heartwarming here as in every other comedy you’ve seen him in. I really like that he loves being in the Marvel Universe and loves being Scott Lang. It shows. Michael Douglas gets a shit load of more screen time in this film than the last one, and it is certainly a welcome addition of minutes as he adds to the emotional story a great deal more than you would think. But the real hero of this film is easily Evangeline Lilly. I always loved her on Lost, and I really liked the limited amount of screen time she had in the first film, but in here, she rocks the socks off everything she does. She’s finally free reign to combine her acting chops with her action skills, and she’s absolutely incredible. Now, in the previous paragraph I did complain about the Marvel villain problem taking a step back. However, the praise I do want to give Ghost is that her motivations aren’t just another grab at having too much power, taking over the world, or destroying it. It was more of a personal physical gain and I appreciated that the film, while certainly giving her more screen time would’ve helped, didn’t just give her another stupid eye rolling “not again” motivation we have gotten in previous Marvel and DC films.

Also, the action and special effects in this film are very good. The last 30 minutes of the film is this rock and sock ’em sort of chase scene that thrills, excites, and keeps your attention. All in all, the entire film shines when it uses the whole superpower idea of dramatic size change and abilities. It makes for intriguing action and some very funny sight gags. Scott Lang visiting his daughter at school is a huge sight gag laugh that worked tremendously well. Director Payton Reed is not an action director, and in the first film it kind of showed a lot, but in this, he seems to have honed in his skills a little bit and is getting better, even though there is always room for improvement.

While we shall see if this installment is ultimately really more memorable down the line in several years and Marvel films to come, for right now, it gets the job done. Marvel thankfully usually always gets the job done, they have a proven movie making formula working and they just keep on keepin’ on. If you are groaning because I said it is better than the original but still is in the middle of the pack with all these other Marvel Universe films, just remember, while it may not reach the heights of Civil War, Infinity War, the first Avengers, Black Panther, or even the first Guardians films…at least it is no where near the fire ant bite or poisonous wasp sting that was Thor The Dark World or Iron Man 2. And for that, we should be grateful. OH, WAIT! ONE MORE THING! STAY THRU AT LEAST THE MID CREDITS SCENE (if you’ve seen the trailers you’ve partly seen the very end credits scene and it doesn’t much matter). The Mid Credits scene had one of the best reactions I’ve ever seen from an audience. And while you can predict what it is, it still doesn’t make it that less astonishing to see.

The Purge movies always had an interesting concept. What if the entire country had 12 hours once a year to do whatever they wanted and no consequences? The first movie, the one with Ethan Hawke and Game of Thrones Lena Headey, disappointingly took that concept and turned it into a sort of lame home invasion thriller that lacked any real substance. However, the second and third movies (Anarchy and Election Year) raised the bar several levels and actually took the concept to where it needed to be, open world, and it starred Frank Grillo, who just sweats badassness, and both films had enough substance in them to warrant the franchises existence. The movies increasingly got better, with the third one being the best. Three years, three different purges. With all that world building and increased rate of destruction and violence, shouldn’t THE FIRST PURGE be the most interesting, seeing how everything got to where it was in the three previous movies? You would think wouldn’t you? Instead you get the worst installment in the franchise, even worse than the first installment, which was no small feat to beat, and you get the feeling that maybe this entire series is finally on its last leg.

For those that still want to see this movie, I won’t spoil how the first purge comes together, the rules, or the circumstances (I’m surprised the trailer doesn’t reveal it all, because it reveals the “twist” that happens in the middle of the movie), but suffice to say, it’s all very poorly constructed on a storytelling level. I was kind of bored and eye rolling with everything they came up with. I thought, that like Election Year, the franchise would turn even more political than it ever has been before. But the political themes and motifs are half conceptualized and executed. All cliche with very little imagination. I thought the movie would actually have more jokes or themes geared toward the Trump presidency, but all we get is a quick “pussy grabbing” joke that comes nearly out of nowhere and without much resonance to the rest of the film.

And I didn’t care about one single character. I cared about Frank Grillo and some of the other characters in the second and third, and I cared about the young family members in even the first film. I didn’t care for one person in this. There was nobody to root for. Obviously I wasn’t rooting for the government. But am I supposed to root for the drug king gang lord? Or any of his workers? Or his churchy ex girlfriend that makes some really dumb decisions in the throughout the entire film or her brother that deals drugs that somehow makes even dumb ones? There is absolutely no character development in this film. They even set up a big main purge baddie, called Skeletor, and while he is menacing and downright scary and evil he disappears for over half the film and shows up just when the film needs him to and completely wastes his arc. Marisa Tomei is the most recognizable name in the movie, and even she is wasted. To not go into spoilers as much as I can, her character obviously has an ultimate fate, and it is the most mismanaged and full assed thing in the entire film, and it looked like Tomei didn’t even half to be there for it to happen. And like her character’s ultimate fate, it just seems this entire film was just tossed into the wind with no care of how the end product turned up as long as it stayed on the very small budget it has, and that it gets into theaters to make as much of a profit as possible.

And none of the kills or violence had any sort of uniqueness to them whatsoever. In fact you could tell that a lot of the blood and effects were completely CGI and quickly made on a cheap computer with no extra touch ups. It was pretty pathetic. And you think that Incredibles 2 had a weird flashing light epilepsy scene? This film should have warnings before you enter the theater as well. Part of the last third of the film takes place in a apartment complex tower and the power quickly goes out, and for about 10 to 15 minutes, the lights quickly go in and out. Not only was it annoying and damaging to my eyes, it distracted from the rest of the movie, whatever left of it there was to focus on.

And the story’s twist? About how at first the purge isn’t racking up the bodies it needs to so the government sends mercenaries to up the body count? You know how that is in the trailer? Yeah, well that is just the filmmakers showing all of its cards. If they would’ve kept that from marketing, it might’ve added a little something in a unsavable film, however, since I was expecting it because of the trailers and tv spots, it didn’t shock and awe me as a viewer and I just didn’t care. Needless to say, this purge was the worst and a big utter disappointment, since every installment was increasingly getting better. But with this lame shit show, the franchise is finally starting to show its wear and tear, and one day, may have to purge itself from our cinematic world.

So a little earlier this year I won…several signed posters of this movie FLOWER, signed and starring the incredible hot Zoey Deutch (Vampire Academy, Set It Up, Why Him?, Before I Fall) and signed and directed by Fonzie’s son Winkler. At the time Flower was a very independent independent movie still in theaters, and it never broke out enough to warrant a Cinemark, AMC, or Alamo Drafthouse theatrical release, and instead stayed at the Angelika and so forth, and wasn’t really there long (psst, your independent film probably won’t get far if it is 53% on Rotten Tomatoes). Anyway, I really wanted the poster because I really wanted Zoey Deutch signature, but wasn’t going to make any real effort to see it in theaters unless I could get a visit credit or points for it at my local theater. Well, it came straight to VOD pretty fast, and since I had some credit on VUDU and the film was extremely cheap, I just bought it for about $3 bucks out of my pocket.

The result? Not bad. I don’t think it deserves in the 50’s on Rotten Tomatoes, but definitely somewhere mid 60s. The movie is a short 95 minutes, but I feel like maybe some of the relationships weren’t fully developed and the payoff at the end didn’t exactly well, pay off. Let me try to describe to you what it is about without getting into a late in the game last act dark twist that makes the film worth watching at least once. 17 year old Erica (Zoey Deutch) loves giving blowjobs. Yep, and she loves it so much that she gives them to way over-aged males, has her friends film the aftermath, and then extorts them for money/drugs so she won’t tell on them. Her dad is currently in jail and her mom has had many boyfriends, but it looks like this new one will stick, and along with him comes a mentally unstable future 18 year old stepbrother that is about an inch away from a complete and total meltdown. He reveals that he was sexually molested by a teacher in middle school and reveals that person to be a man named Will, a older man that Erica happens to have a crush on and sees at the bowling alley with her friends every time she goes.

And that is where I will stop. What the movie tries to do, which involves the payoff, makes the story seems like it is going to be about the relationship between Erica and her stepbrother. And some of it is, but I didn’t feel there was enough of a development for the ending that we get. Instead, I think the story focuses a little too much on Will and the molestation thing with the stepbrother. Especially when the dark twist hits, it completely takes away from Erica and the Stepbrother’s relationship for 10 minutes, and then realizes it got off track and just forces it and rams it down our throats in the last 15 minutes of the film. The dark twist was good, but there were too many distractions from plot point A. Part of the distractions is her friends that film the blowjob stuff and then try to join in on the plot point B storyline involving Will. I think that if you had cut those characters out early, and just had Erica and her stepbrother go on that little adventure, the payoff would’ve actually sense. I’m not saying that it completely doesn’t. It does. And that maybe have more to do with the fact that Zoey Deutch is great and bat shit crazy in this and Joey Morgan, who plays the stepbrother, plays a damaged teen very well. And their chemistry is good together, I just didn’t think there was enough of it.

Also, the plot involving Will the teacher, played by a too straight laced Adam Scott in this, kind of has an ending I didn’t really care for. I don’t want to reveal any spoilers, but his arc ends by something that is told to us, rather than shown to us, to have everything in the film that happens justified, and it really doesn’t work. His character shows a little behavior that warrants some things, but no scene is given to us to make the stuff that happens down the line any plausible. You’ll know it when you see it and when it is told to you. There is a story told at. Adam Scott doesn’t bring much to the role unfortunately, and I really like him in a lot of what he does. Kathryn Hahn plays Erica’s mom and even though she’s really only in a handful of scenes, she is great as always.

Anyway, if you can find this for free, I’d recommend a one time watch. But other than that, don’t go out of your way.

It’s going to be a little tough reviewing this movie since I’m not going to give away any important revelations from the first film. Needless to say I’ll be speaking in code and if you’ve seen the first movie and are reading this you’ll know what I am talking about. If you haven’t seen the first movie, stop what you are doing right this very instant and find it somewhere streaming, because it is an excellent film. And so is this one. SICARIO: DAY OF THE SOLDADO is a masterful sequel, as good as the original, well, hold up. I’ll issue my minor complaint right now. It is 99% as good as the original. The only 1% of this movie I didn’t like was how obvious they set this movie up for a part three, to complete the Sicario trilogy, since writer Taylor Sheridan has said in countless interviews he sees this one big story as three films. This movie is fantastic on its own but the last 3 mins had to be stupid bridge building like they do in other part 2 films. But other than that, this movie is enthralling, tense, bat shit crazy at times, incredibly acting, incredibly entertaining even though it is a slow burn thriller, incredible cinematography, and incredible direction. Which if you think about it, it’s actually an amazing feat considering you DON’T have the same masterful director as you did in the first one with Denis Villenueve, and you DON’T have your masterful cinematography this time around with Roger Deakins. It just makes this sequel much more legit in my eyes, because if the same behind the camera people were involved, you could just chalk it up to “figures.”

Ok, so the word Sicario, if you look it up, means hitman. And the first movie is about the CIA, with help from a mysterious agenda Benicio Del Toro’s Alejandro, bringing Emily Blunt’s character along, tracking down people from cartels that are responsible for dozens of bodies found in this home near the border, and a bomb goes off there killing several police/government officials. There is more to the story than that, especially the end game for Alejandro, but if you haven’t seen the movie, I don’t want to waste any reveals, because they are extremely good. The first movie was Emily Blunt’s characters point of view and her story. She is not back for the sequel, and I love how writer Taylor Sheridan didn’t try to make up some excuse to cram her in this one. Instead, the point of view shifts to Benicio Del Toro’s Alejandro and Josh Brolin’s Matt Craver, who is a leader of the Department of Justice’s special task force. They both have ample screen time in the first film, but with this, crank that notch to 11. Just like the first film, there is also one small point of view from the drug/trafficking side of the story. In the first one it was a male security guard, in this one it is a young boy. Their stories both start off separate, and how they merge into the main one are both a treat to watch. The only thing I’ll tell you about this plot is that the film starts with a brutal hard to watch terrorist attack in Kansas, people from Mexican cartels are identified as responsible and Brolin and Del Toro set up a mission of revenge. Of course, there is more too it than that, but the beauty of it is going along for the ride.

Not to forewarn you, this is not an action movie. It is a slow burn thriller with action beats throughout only when necessary. The story is with the characters, locations, and dialogue, it isn’t with bullets or explosions, so if you want that kind of movie, go find Michael Bay and give him a reach around. Everything in this film worked for me up until the last 3 minutes of the film, and even that was a minor nitpick. The score is fantastic, there was no fat in this film, I was eagerly awaiting to see where this story would go, I tried to predict it, but I was wrong on every level. Benicio Del Toro is amazing once again as Alejandro, he was born to play this character. Josh Brolin is usually always good and always brings his A game, and here is no different. A lot of his dialogue had me chuckling in my seat. And as I said earlier, there are a couple of bat shit crazy moments in this film, but one is particular was ballsy (you’ll know it when you see it). And while you might have to suspend some belief, the brutality of the aftermath of said scene was enough to believe it was plausible.

Anyway, the fun of the movie is discovering for yourself. If you are looking for an action movie, go somewhere else. There is action, and what little of it is strong and brutal, but not enough if you are expecting a rough ’em up and shoot ’em up movie. But if you love those slow burning plot pot boilers and love great storytelling and fantastic acting, with action beats only when necessary, look no further. But make sure you watch the fucking first movie before seeing this. You won’t have a clue of what really is going on and seeing the first film is critical to enjoying the plot and the character arcs. Bring on Sicario 3.

I know that most documentaries fly over the heads of modern moviegoers, but surely you have heard of the new documentary, WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?, which is about the wonderful human being named Fred Rogers and how him and his show Mister Rogers Neighborhood had a huge impact on a lot of people. If you haven’t I’m surprised because they have promoted the shit out of this thing. I haven’t seen a promotion for a documentary this hard since Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11. Well, I can see the hard push for regular people to see this film, because it is probably one of the best documentaries ever made, it is now my personal favorite (beating out Michael Moore’s Bowling For Columbine and Sick for me), and to tell you the truth, I think that this film should be required viewing, not just be everyone in North America, but by every living breathing human being on this planet.

I’ll admit this right up front, I teared up during this film. Fred Rogers was an extraordinary human being, and after this documentary, I don’t know how anyone couldn’t put him in a top ten human beings of all time list. This is a man that had no skeletons in his closet, no secret crimes committed, not a secret pedophile or homosexual (at the time, hopefully no one would really care about him being a homosexual if he was one now), he was completely the image and stature of the man he gave and showed us on television. A man that had a genuine love for all children and cared about their upbringing and well being, not a mean bone in his body, and used a cheaply made show on PBS to get his message of love and understanding not just to children, but to adults that would watch the program as well. The documentary interviews friends and family, from people that were on the show, and some who were never on camera and only behind the scenes. His sons said they had a wonderful childhood with him, his wife says he was a wonderful husband, everybody who worked with him have fond memories and don’t think one negative thing about him. It is absolutely unbelievable, yet believable. He was basically what we hoped Bill Cosby was…until you know.

This is the kind of documentary we need right now. This documentary shows what the human condition in all of us should and could be. Not to go into any real spoilers or anything but the part of the documentary that made me tear up is right after Fred Rogers died and they were holding a funeral memorial service for him, there were people across the street protesting Fred Rogers, claiming he was a homosexual and/or that he didn’t disapprove of them, and that him and his show made everyone in today’s world feel like they are more privileged than they should be. I almost couldn’t stand watching that scene, knowing that there were human beings that were utterly that stupid and ignorant to be thinking those things and actually having the gall and time to do them. Shows how low our world has sunk. But you know what? If Fred Rogers were still alive today, he wouldn’t hate those people, he wouldn’t want revenge and try to find skeletons in their closets to present to the world. He would probably just smile, shrug, and just go about doing what he kept on doing for so many years. He would probably just say that they were misunderstood individuals. That takes courage, and shows the true measure of men, women, children, what everyone on this world could hold in their hearts if everybody just really tried. The part I am describing sounds depressing, but the documentary is anything but. It is uplifting, sweet, inspiring, endearing, and all the other positive words to describe it that could come out of my mouth right now. It really is one of the best documentaries every made. And if you are reading this and haven’t went out to check it out. Do it immediately.

AMERICAN ANIMALS is a pretty good little independent film that is making its way around your local theaters right now. It is based on the true story of four students from Transylvania University that kind of go rogue on their suburban upbringing and decide to steal several very rare, very expensive books from the special collections library that they have at the University. They think it will be easy, since there is essentially no cameras, only motion detectors and the fact that one librarian is the only one that is keeping an eye on the books at all times. They think they have the perfect heist, but little do they realize that even meticulous planning of a heist can go horribly wrong if one thing from your plan doesn’t go as you think. The three most recognizable names from this movie that you might know are Evan Peters (who has been in multiple American Horror Story seasons and plays Quiksilver in the X-Men Films), Blake Jenner (Everybody Wants Some and he used to be married to Supergirl Melissa Benoist), and Ann Down (who is in fucking everything, from The Handmaid’s Tale to The Leftovers to the recent Hereditary).

What I liked most about this film was that even though actors were playing the real people, the movie is kind of a side documentary as well, because they have the real people involved in that heist doing commentary on what they were thinking at the time and why. And some of them might be unreliable narrators. This storytelling device was brilliant and if not included in this movie, I don’t think the film would’ve worked as well. Seeing the students meticulous planning, from how they are going to steal these rare books to how they are going to sell them without getting caught is very well done. The heist itself is a nail-biting extravaganza. However, we’ve seen heist movies that contain both these devices before, but the fact that they added the real people to give side commentary on the action, I thought was utterly brilliant.

Everybody acting wise is good in this film, but Evan Peters is absolutely fan-fucking-tasting. I know an Oscar nomination doesn’t seem likely since a lot of people haven’t heard of this film, but if it were to be some kind of home video sleeper hit right before awards season, I could see Peters getting a best supporting nomination. He is fantastic and steal every scene he is in, and during the actual heist he is masterful. Obviously because the real men that did the real heist commentating on the whole action laid out before your eyes, obviously means that they probably didn’t get away with it in the end. But it doesn’t make it any less fascinating. It only heightened the experience.

So if this movie is playing near you, I high recommend giving it a whirl. I’m a sucker for heist films, and I’m more of a sucker for true heist films. Just to get inside the mind of these people and why they did what they did is something to marvel. Granted, I know they are bad guys, but wait until you watch the movie before you throw rocks at me sympathizing with some bad people. This was a really strong, really engaging independent film. Maybe they can do the real person commentary for more stories like this.

ALEX STRANGELOVE I guess you could call the late released stepchild prequel of Love, Simon. Well, not really. It’s a direct to streaming version answer to Love, Simon. Some of the same DNA and story beats but just different enough to be its own thing. The quality and star power of which gives us a not quite theatrical deserving release but not just straight to video so…oh hey there Netflix! Just like my recent review of Set It Up, it is in the better category of Netflix dump fare but will not be that memorable in about a year. It’s predictable, but its sweet. It doesn’t have that edge, but its got the director of the really good independent film The Skeleton Twins. It’s like Love, Simon, but it would definitely be rated R in the theater for plenty of crude humor, sexual situations, and much more cursing. It’s maybe worth your watch once when. I’m making it sound bad, it’s actually quite un-memorably charming.

It’s about the class president of a high school that has a very sweet, very nice looking girlfriend. They were first just friends and he wanted her and she finally elevates it to something more. They haven’t had sex. Then they go to this party together and he has a wonderful time and conversation with a guy from a different school. They make a very strong connection and now with his girlfriend wanting sex, he suddenly doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. It has the cliches of any high school movie. The guy has a really good best friend that is basically a nicer stoner Stifler. Whenever the friend is on screen there is all these stoner antics that you’ve seen before. The girls in this have dirty mouths and can stand toe to toe with the guys. And the film has a very predictable, bittersweet, yet charming heartfelt ending for all the characters.

It does give you a great message about knowing who you are and not afraid to show it. Just like Love, Simon it has a very important message on coming out to your friends and family as well. It is just that Love, Simon came out first and is a lot more cinematic, lovable, and memorable. This isn’t a direct carbon copy, because they were made around the same time, it just has the distinction of coming out several months after something just like it did it much better. But it could’ve been a whole lot worse. It couldn’t not been entertaining. And again, the few new movies you see after a piece of shit like Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, are going to look better in your eyes than they would have if no other piece of shit existed. So yes, I recommend this as a one time spur of the moment Netflix watch. Un-memorable in a year charming type of streaming experience.

Oh well lookie here, more passible Netflix fare. And you say, “well at least it isn’t typical Netflix Original Movie garbage?” But then I say, “well, when are we going to get something as grand as Mudbound?” Only once a year? Once every two years? When we used to say directo to video or straight to VOD or a dump movie, we used to mean that we would find it on a shelf of new releases at a department store and nobody ever fucking heard of the movie before because it never went to theaters. Netflix is coming awfully close to becoming known at the platform where people just dump their shitty or subpar or only okay movies. This new “Netflix” film, SET IT UP, is at least part of the only okay movies. This is predictable cliched fare, the only way it is heightened is by the stars: the cute and lovable Zoey Deutch (daughter of Marty McFly’s mom), Glenn Powell (superdouche on Scream Queens), Lucy Liu (former movie Charlie’s Angel), Pete Davidson (SNL and currently “engaged” to Ariana Grande), and Taye Diggs (enter one of his dozen movies here).

The movie is The Devil Wears Prada meets The Parent Trap, in that two assistant/secretaries (Powell and Deutch) absolutely hate their “horrible” bosses who they conveniently work for in the exact same building, but have different professions. Powell and Deutch run into each other and have an idea to get their bosses to fuck/fall in love, so that they are actually happy, so their meanness is kept to a minimum and their bosses lay off them a little bit. Their plan works…but then does it start to work too well as the assistants *coughclichedcough* actually start to fall for each other too? And can a farce and forced relationship between two angry bosses/people actually last? The film should’ve been titled, Cliche It Up.

All of those questions I’m sure you already have the answer to, and you are probably 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% correct. The movie only works because of Powell and Deutch slinging dialogue off each other like nice warm melted butter. Their chemistry really works and anything less would’ve made one hell of an annoying movie. And while Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs are good as playing the “horrible” bosses. They really aren’t that bad. Especially Liu. If it’s really that bad in real life, the two assistants probably would’ve just quit a long time ago. But if they would have here, then there would’ve been no movie. But…you know what…unlike Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom…this movie actually kept my attention. And I laughed pretty hard once at the end when Pete Davidson has a “word” with one of the bosses (he plays Glenn Powell’s gay roommate). So if you have nothing to do, it’s 9:30 on a Friday or Saturday night, and you just want to put on something mindless, however a little bit charming that will keep your attention for a good 100 minutes, you can’t go wrong with this.

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM is the worst entry in the Jurassic Park series. I dinoshit you not. In order to enjoy this film, your brain must not only be completely off (with no reboot button visible), but you will have to suspend your belief more than you ever have when it comes to plot points and convenient timings. It is lazy screenwriting at its worst. The CGI is a leper’s bukkake containing AIDS right to your face (sorry for the gross vision, but it was that bad). I know that there are only so many things you can do with dinosaurs running around in present day, but they came up with this?!? The first 30-40 minutes while they are on the island trying to rescue the dinosaurs is actually not bad, with a solid intro that tries to go toe to toe with the great Velociraptor intro from the first movie (the first one still rules all). But then once they leave the island the movie turns into some horrible cliched ridden B-movie haunted house mansion adventure schlock that happens to contain dinosaurs. This is a complete bridge movie, with a sort of not really cliffhanger (be sure to stay through all the credits if you want to see something extra, I didn’t think it was worth it though) to bring us a third movie that I now expect could actually get more ridiculous than what we got here. Or it could actually be a fun yet serious science thriller. Universal, it’s up to you, just fire screenwriters Colin Trevorrow and Derek Connolly and bring someone new in to think of something fresh.

Now in this paragraph I’m going to go into minor spoilers and I am going to point out the biggest motherfucking plot hole this series has had to offer. If you don’t want to know anything about the plot, skip to the next paragraph. What I do reveal here doesn’t go far beyond what they have shown you in all the tv spots and all the trailers. Basically, on the original Jurassic Park/World island, Isla Nublar, a dormant volcano has now become active and is about to blow, killing all the dinosaurs on the island. The government and Jeff Goldblum (nothing more than a glorified cameo here so don’t get excited, he literally probably shot this in an hour) declare they aren’t going to do anything and to let extinction take its course. Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) from the last film, even though she went through hell and back in the last movie, doesn’t want these creatures to die. In walks some suit that represents John Hammond’s old partner (an old partner we have never even fucking heard of until now) and says that they will do a secret rescue mission and bring the dinosaurs to a different island sanctuary with no volcanoes, no tourists, no trouble and let them live out their lives in peace. Claire gets Owen (Chris Pratt) to come back because Blue (the only surviving smart raptor from the first World) is still there and he feels like he is the only one that could get him out of there peacefully. So yeah, they go and do their thing and rescue some dinosaurs, while the volcano explodes of course because you need heightened unrealistic lava based action sequences, and low and behold, betrayal happens. The suit wants to auction off the dinosaurs to billionaires and the highest bidder takes and does whatever they want with them. L. A. M. E. Laughable Ass-lazy Mind-numbing Endgame. Having people bid on dinosaurs (and they go much cheaper than you would think) is the worst screenplay idea in the long sad history of bad screenplay ideas. And that is where I will stop. The rest of the movie basically takes place in a giant mansion of this former partner to John Hammond’s house, where they bid off the dinosaurs, and if you’ve seen any of the trailers, you can probably guess where it goes from there. BUT! This whole plot is rendered moot (unless I am forgetting something about a previous film) What about Isla Sorna? That’s right, Site B, the island that was heavily featured in The Lost World and Jurassic Park III. If that island is still there, where the dinosaurs are flourishing…I mean, do you get what I’m saying, everything is rendered useless. They could’ve just let the dinos die with the volcano without any risk to themselves and get the dinos from the other island. Now to be fair, I could be forgetting a line from Jurassic World where they stripped that island bare and got all the dinosaurs to Nublar, but I don’t think I’m mistaken. If I’m not, it’s the biggest plot hole I have seen in a movie in quite some time.

Hey! Welcome back! If you skipped my paragraph, please, after you see the movie, I encourage you to go back to this and re read it to see if you agree with me about the blatant obvious plot hole. Or if I’m wrong about it, please let me know. I did leave out some twists and turns. One of these twists (you’ll know it when you see it) some are claiming is the worst stupid twist in the Jurassic Park series. I however, thought it was the least ridiculous plot point in all the ridiculous shit that happens in the movie. In fact, the movie only has one true emotional great epic scene. It is the very last scene on the island, I’ll only say you might tear up, and I’ll leave it at that. Why couldn’t the movie had more emotion like that? When it cuts to black and we are on the boat toward the big giant stupid mansion house, I got extremely bored. I didn’t feel any tension, any excitement or any fun. In fact it started to turn into a rolling my eyes and looking at my watch affair. The only watchable things in this movie is Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, and their good chemistry. And maybe a couple of scenes with Blue. But that is it. You get your cliched one child that is attacked by dinosaurs and is on the run (could we please have a Jurassic World film with only adults please?). Every single character does every single cliched ridden dumb decisions you could possibly do in a movie about dinosaurs co-existing with man. No character is actually smart here. There is one scene of a hunter wanting a tooth off a dinosaur for his necklace that is so fucking stupid I wanted to tear my hair out. What is really funny, is that if Claire and Owen weren’t even in the picture, everything might have gone smoothly and much less chaotic. Who knows? Also, how many times is the T-Rex going to come in and conveniently save the day? It’s getting old. Do the screenwriters not know how stupid it is now to keep repeating it? Also, I’m so God damn tired of the genetically mutated dinosaurs, like the Indonomous Rex in the last one and the Indoraptor in this. Stop with genetically mutated shit and stick to the dinosaurs that are real and that we know and love.

And the CGI is so bad, it just looked like everything, even the house was just Star Wars prequel level green screen crap. What the hell happened to the cool animatronics from the first two films and some of the third?!? It felt like the animals were actually there. With this, I didn’t even feel like the actors were even on a real island in this, or in a real house. It just screamed SET, SET, SET, with GREEN CURTAINS TO ADD SHIT IN LATER!” Why am I not blaming director J.A. Bayona, whose last two films The Impossible and A Monster Calls are little independent masterpieces? Because, the film screams studio rushing and involvement. Once that release date is scheduled, studios don’t like backing down. Did they even read the script to this? I have a feeling they didn’t. It felt like rush directing just to get to a deadline. Universal knows that dinosaurs sell no matter how shitty the film is, so they just greenlit it, told the director to hurry the fuck up with a shitty script, and he did the best he could. If he ever has a film with real time on his hands in the future and it is as bad as this, then I’ll start blaming him. What’s really funny is that Jurassic Park III is better than this, and they were writing the script as they were shooting that movie! Thank God Lucasfilm and Kathleen Kennedy read the script of Trevorrow’s Star Wars Episode IX and subsequently fired his ass. I shudder to think how he would’ve ended that trilogy.

Life did not find a way with this film. Life farted away. Constantly and annoyingly. Now, for my last little bit. If you want to go see this movie, I absolutely encourage you to do so. Don’t let anyone like me or a real profession movie critic get you down on a movie you are excited about. You might actually still enjoy it! I think of films too critically sometimes, and if you like this Jurassic World sequel, just chalk it up to that. I’m just simply stating my opinion on this. And my opinion is that I found multiple things to like in each of the Jurassic Park films, even the third one, and I think the first film is still a masterpiece and one of my favorite films of all time. I found almost no joy in this sequel. Kids will probably love and chomp this movie up. For me, I think this franchise has finally dried out. Unless they can bring us an epic third film that will prove me wrong and can end the series with a bang. But there is not much left you can do with dinosaurs. This movie is the archiological proof of that.

My ranking of the Jurassic Park movies:

1. Jurassic Park
2. Jurassic World
3. The Lost World: Jurassic Park
4. Jurassic Park III
5. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom