Fool me four times, shame on you. Fool me five times…I mean, what did I really expect from BUMBLEBEE? aka Transformers 6? aka prequel to the first movie? I expected something different. For starters, there is a new screenplay writer (writing the upcoming Birds of Prey movie, which gets me really fucking worried now), Michael Bay didn’t direct it (but he has a producer credit, so I still should’ve seen this shit fest coming), it’s a prequel so we don’t have to continue the story from the last one, the Transformers designs are more like they were in the 80s cartoon, it has talented actress in Hailee Steinfeld, and a couple of other things going for it. Nope. Bumblebee is still the same movie. And just like every preceding Transformers movie, it is now the worst of them all. I still like the very first Transformers movie with Shia LeBeouf. It still gives me nostalgia and memberberry goosebumps when I remember seeing these awesome action sequences for the first time (when Bay hadn’t sold out quite yet) and Shia LeBeouf still carried the movie before he turned into the hippie psycho we all know and fear now. But Revenge of the Fallen and so on and so forth have all been the same film. And Bumblebee doesn’t do itself any favors with tricking the audience. You think you are going to get something different with a lighter, more family friendly tone, and heartfelt story, and in actuality you get just a soft reboot/remake of the first movie. You get basically almost the exact same origin movie, yet with worse dialogue than the original, uninspiring action (even when Bay’s action got tiresome there was still some cool shots, this has zilch), terrible, terrible fucking acting, AND THE EXACT SAME GOD DAMN ENDING AS ALL THE OTHERS.

Yeah so, the only few differences with this movie, is that it takes place in the 80s, and it’s Hailee Steinfeld instead of Shia, and we sort of get to see the fall of Cybertron, and the Transformer designs look more like they did in the 80s cartoon. That’s about it. So think for yourself, if this takes place in the 80s, and the war on Earth doesn’t start for another twenty years, and this is supposed to be canon with the rest of the other movies, what story do they have to tell that would make sense with the rest of it? Basically only two Decepticons try and track Bumblebee for the entire film, and their mission is to find him, but then send ANOTHER GOD DAMN SIGNAL FROM ANOTHER GOD DAMN TOWER to the other Decepticons, alerting them that the Autobots new base is on Earth. So all the tension is completely drained from this film, because we know they don’t, because we know the real war doesn’t start until Shia LeBeouf comes into play. And if you watch the others, the ending is the same, there is some tower, with some beam, that Bumblebee and the main protagonist have to destroy to prevent whatever comes next. It is so tiring, they couldn’t have found anything else to do? Why have a storyline that features humans at all? Why couldn’t they have made a movie focusing on the fall of Cybertron or maybe some battles and crusades through space before they actually found Earth? Do we really need to add us, human beings, into the mix just to have the story related to dumb minded casual moviegoers? I guess the answer is yes.

John Cena gives the worst performance of the year by anyone in any movie. He is so God damn terrible in this. Every line delivery is over the top and unrealistic and he seems like he thinks he is in a comedy. Every time he showed up on screen, I was wincing and clenching my teeth every time he opened his mouth. It was that bad. In fact, every human character is stupey, stupey, dumb, dumb, or really just inept except for Haille Steinfeld. This movie makes our government and military looks super, super, dumb, and it is very insulting. And I get that this movie is supposed to be more family friendly in tone but this goes down to the level of cheap straight to video family tone. The dialogue is so bad it feels like a new born baby wrote it. And none of the choices in the movie, made by character, Autobot, or Decepticon, make any damn sense. The Decepticon’s have Bumblebee’s location before they land on Earth, yet they land on the other side of the country and then have a long road ahead of them? And even if that were the case, and they know Bumblebee is there, why didn’t they try and just start the signal to alert all the other Decepticons right away and get them to destroy Earth instead of waiting until it was plot convenient to do so and have all these entities trying to stop them? When Bumblebee lands on Earth for the first time, he happens to land right in the fucking middle of John Cena and his army playing a friendly combat simulation of paintball. You know why he lands right in the middle of them? Contrived plot fucking convenience.

Everything in this movie is convenience, convenience, and convenience. Nothing develops realistically or naturally. Every choice is forced, or several lines of bad dialogue are written to explain why they can’t do this and this now, or what they can’t alert so and so right away. The Decepticons have literally 10 fucking times in the movie to make sure that Bumblebee is dead yet they don’t fucking do it for scripts sake. It is mind numbing and infuriatingly bizarre. And I had another “are you fucking kidding me?” moment in this film, and the whole time I knew this moment was going to happen, but praying it wasn’t so. They introduce Hailee Steinfeld’s character as someone who was a really good pool diver, possibly even Olympic qualifying. She quit because of her dad, and one point in the middle of the movie, Bumblebee pushes her to try and show off in front of some bullies but she can’t do it. So at the very end, where the tower and signal is for the Decepticons to signal the other and destroy Earth, there just happens to be a damn near by, and that damn gets destroyed, and she dives in from a very high point to try and save Bumblebee from possibly “drowning”. Even though he is a large mechanical entity and she wouldn’t be able to bring him to the surface anyway, the movie just puts on this inspiration music and has her do her swan dive to show that she’s developed as a character. Pffft. Also, at one point John Cena wants to see what is going on in a military building he is stationed at, and he tells his group of people that there is a door in his way, and they just blow it up. Why the fuck couldn’t they have just opened it? Also, they wasted actress Hailee Steinfeld in this, she’s the only half way decent thing in this movie, but this young woman has been nominated for an Academy Award (remake of True Grit) and was excellent in The Edge of Seventeen. This and everything else in between has been a slap in the face to her talents. Her and her manager need to learn to say no. Also, the director, Travis Knight, who has been nominated for two Academy Awards for The Boxtrolls and the fantastic Kubo and The Two Strings, should have known better than to take this as his first go around into live action.

Also, Bumblebee with the rest of the Autobots are supposed to be these war specialists, military types that try and fight for the good of their planet. So why does when Bumblebee land on Earth he goes fully mentally challenged and acts like he is a toddler with no clue of what is going on? I mean come on. This Autobot is blasting Decepticons with accuracy at the beginning of the film, giving orders and talking to Optimus Prime, yet when he lands on Earth, he doesn’t understand what hiding is or how to blend in when told. And then he destroys a house because he acts like an animal and doesn’t know to obey orders from Haille Steinfelds character and just stay put? All of the screenplay writing in this film is fucking insulting to me not just as a movie goer, but as a huge film buff that at once wanted to be one, and this shit still gets made. And some of you idiots will still go and out and see this and love it, because you have nothing better to do, and don’t expect more out of movies. If you think I’m talking about you, congrats, you are the reason we still get shitty movies and still get shitty prequel/sequel shit like this. It is time to raise the bar. Hopefully some of you will become the wiser, and this film won’t make any money. But no, it will, and we will get a Bumblebee 2 with Haley Steinfeld coming back even though at the end of the film it would make no fucking sense of why she was coming back and why Bumblebee would come out of hiding between her and LeBeouf. Just more dialogue and plot conveniences written to make that prequel/sequel dollar. In actuality, this should be the final nail in the coffin for the Transformer franchise. They need to roll out right into their graves.

Rank of Transformers Films:

1. Transformers
2 – 6. The exact same pieces of shit, each one stinkier than the last.

THE POSSESSION OF HANNAH GRACE is one of the worst mainstream horror movies ever released to human beings. The worst I’ve seen since Rob Zombie’s Halloween II. And I’d probably have to watch both again to determine the real winner of the worst horror film I’ve ever seen, but I’m not going to subject myself to that torture. This movie is fucking terrible. But the only reason I went is because I have a horror movie friend named Kim that I see these kinds of films with (because none of our close friends really like horror films that much or find them interesting) and sometimes I’m seeking out bad films to just completely rip apart in a review like this. Kim and I usually point out the really dumb shit during horror films, but usually they are A. Really short comments like “really?” B. Those comments are few and far between as we don’t really find that much horrendous shit to talk about that often (these are mainstream horror films professionally made, not those horror films you’ve never heard of whose only copies really exist on digital or a few rare copies still left on VHS where you could just point out one bad thing after the other) and C. We don’t want to disturb those around us actually really wanting to see the movie. We usually only talk a lot if there if there is no one in the theater. With Hannah Grace, there was hardly anyone in the theater, where we were seated we were completely secluded from those who were, and there was enough shit minute by minute to completely pick apart and laugh over. We had a hell of a time hating this movie. And before you ask, no, it’s not a so bad its good movie. It’s a really really really really fucking terrible film that is fun to watch just once to completely shit all over it. But that’s it. Only once. You’d have to kill me before I would ever watch this film again.

The film has an interesting concept and premise: basically the story of what could happen AFTER an exorcism that you’ve seen in a thousand other movies. What if the exorcism didn’t work? What happens to those involved in the exorcism? What happens to the body? Haven’t seen anything tackle those questions before this movie. However, Hannah Grace takes all those interesting questions and concepts and completely fucks everything up. It executes everything wrong on every cinematic narrative, acting, and technical level countless times. I have a feeling that the script, originally titled ‘Cadaver’, was a lot better, and this end result that was rushed into theaters was complete studio interference and fuckery, the likes of which I have never ever seen before. The whole movie could’ve been one cool little mystery, with the whole exorcism plot reveal kept away until the very end as a giant “OH SHIT” twist. Instead, the very first, completely, dumb, stupid, unoriginal scene in the movie, reveals the entire exorcism. It is one of the slowest and stupidest exorcism scenes I’ve seen in any exorcism film that I’ve had to tolerate on my 32 year here on Earth. I have a feeling that the exorcism scene was actually shot for, and took place as a flashback near the very end of the film. But being the little bitch that studios can be exclaimed, “No, fuck you, we need to market it as an exorcism film. People don’t like or go to films anymore where they have to piece together shit before the big reveal, they only go to films where they know what is going on at each and every frame of the movie. Put the exorcism scene at the very beginning to force feed theatergoers and change the title to the worst possible generic piece of shit title available that will explain the whole premise of the movie on the poster.” At one point in the movie a homeless guy tries to get into the morgue, and if it were the original film that was released, audiences would’ve asked, “is Shay Mitchell going crazy and this is all in her head, or is it just some crazy weirdo that likes to fuck dead bodies, or is there really something sinister afoot” But no, right when he shows up, you know it’s the possessed dead girls father, because of the first piece of shit unnecessary scene, and when he reveals himself, it is shot in the way for audiences to suddenly gasp and scream out, “Oh My God!” but when that shot finally does come, it just feels like over dramatic trash.

Let me back up a second. The films premise is that it’s about a girl that used to be a cop, that now works in a hospital morgue overnight because some traumatic thing happened to her while she was still a cop (duh!). She gets a burned, mutilated cadaver on one of her watches. Once the body is delivered to her overnight, she starts to see and experience strange shit, like a bunch of flies coming off the body, and her examination equipment keeps faulting when she tries to take photos and identify the subject. Also what appears to be a homeless guy is obsessively trying to get into the morgue. Then employees of the morgue/hospital keep getting killed off one by one by what appears to be a mutilated corpse that may or may not be possessed. Is all this stuff really happening on the girl’s (that used to be a cop) watch, or is it all inside her head? Nope, that first scene completely negates that question I’m sure the original version of the script tried to ask. The first seen happens, and the entire film is pretty much ruined. Any tension or mystery the film once had is absolutely butchered, delivering a boring, dull, mess of a story that tries to use cheap jump scares (they don’t work) with terrible, fucking God damn terrible, CGI. Also, either the studio or production ran out of money for the movie, because the finale’s pacing and editing is some of the worst I’ve ever seen. Two characters are talking about how to expose the possessed body into the incinerator (because the movie reveals that’s the only way to dispose of a body after an exorcism, because if you don’t, the body, still with the demon apparently inside, will start killing people until it claims enough lives to resurrect itself, a la 1999’s The Mummy) and then cuts them off talking about it and then they are suddenly there. No tense scenes with them taking the body to the morgue with the demon inside trying to stop them or anything. It just cuts to them with the body at the incinerator and then two seconds later the body kills one of the characters. It is just confusing and stupid all mixed up into one colossal piece of shit climax.

Let’s start nit picking at this film a little bit. Like really nit pick. I’m going to slowly reveal how dumb and stupid this movie is shot by shot, set by set. And while we are on the subject of sets, this “morgue” is the most unbelievable morgue at any hospital in any film ever. It’s completely made of high rise concrete, so sleek looking, it looks as if the entire film takes place in the future. The motion sensor lights go out every minute if you aren’t moving within the facility and when an ambulance drops off a dead body, the sound system blares out annoyingly, enough to try and cheap jump scare you every time, that someone is outside waiting to drop off. I guarantee you that no God damn morgue in the entire world works like that. It only works in the context of what the movie is trying to do to you, which is trying to forcefully cheap jump scare you. It doesn’t care about believability, it only cares that you jumped out of your seats a little and put your hand to your heart, trying to catch your breath. Worst unrealistic morgue in any film ever. I already talked about the unnecessary exorcism scene that didn’t need to be in the movie at all or if it did, should’ve been at the end in flashbacks. What else? Oh, let’s get into Shay Mitchell. First off, I haven’t seen any episode of Pretty Little Liars, but she sucks acting wise in this movie. And her former career is the most unbelievable career in the history of cinema, completely stealing the throne from Denise Richards being a chemist/scientist in The World Is Not Enough. There is no way Shay Mitchell would be believable as a former cop. She’s just too good looking/fucking hot and can’t act to save her life. If you are going to hire somebody that good looking for the cop role, at least make sure she can act. When they showed her in her flashbacks as a cop, police hat and all, I started laughing my ass off. That brings me to another thing, the movie tries to add a character arc for her in the film and that arc is fucking stupid. It didn’t need it. Basically the reason Shay Mitchell’s character in the film isn’t a cop anymore is because she was either fired or she quit after an incident where she didn’t shoot a running suspect after a traffic stop. The suspect ended up pulling out a gun and shot and killed her partner. And the reason why the film didn’t end up needing this whole backstory is because the whole mystery that I’m guessing the original script/film was supposed to have is ruined by the first exorcism scene in the film. The notion of whether she is stressed out because of those demons or is really lying and is on drugs, and whether everything could be happening entirely in her head, is fucking negated by the fact that we already know everything is really happening because the movie told us so. If the first scene didn’t exist, the backstory of the character, while still dumb and stupid (she literally goes on morning runs to “run” away from her inner demons from that one fateful night), might’ve worked on a narrative standpoint. But with the first scene, the backstory is laughable and ridiculously unwarranted. And the payoff to her redemption was dumb and hilariously executed as well.

This film is also filled with a bunch of other unnecessary shots and sequences. The film near the beginning sets up that Shay Mitchell’s ex cop character likes to make rubber band balls, all for there to be a scene later where she’s sitting on the fucking toilet and the possessed body of Hannah Grace rolls the ball under the stall, to suddenly grab her wrist, giving the audience a shitty cheap jump scare. Near the beginning of the film, to show that the character has “inner demons she is trying to run from,” it shows her on morning runs, breathing hard. That’s not the unnecessary scene. It’s when they have to have a 7 second obligatory shower shot, with Shay Mitchell showing enough side boob but the shower curtain covering her nipple because she probably has a no nudity contract clause. There was absolutely no reason to see her in the shower. None. I don’t mind (I REALLY don’t mind) seeing girl nudity in a movie every now and then, but usually with me, and now especially in general with the #MeToo nowadays, the nudity has to have a point within the story. This has no point. I guarantee you it wasn’t in the script and either the director or some executive at the studio was a fucking pervert, and wanted to see Shay Mitchell half nude privately, so they added a 7 second shower shot just so he could get his jollies. I can’t believe Ms. Mitchell didn’t object to that scene wholeheartedly.

Also, the entire movie sets up an ending that didn’t happen and they ask a question which answer doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Several characters in the film ask why doesn’t the possessed body of Hannah Grace just kill her, why is it only attacking these other people and not her when she’s been alone almost the entire movie with plenty of time to do it. The movie should’ve explained it in one of two ways. The first way could’ve been that she was the only one killed that had “inner demons” inside of her. But the movie never confirms this theory. Once character that it kills has a scene right before he is killed, telling Shay Mitchell’s character he used to have a bunch of problems, but then his child was born, so he stopped all that shit (Him getting killed right afterward was a cheap shot by the script, it made me actually feel because I have a young child and it made me wonder what would be going on in his brain if he didn’t get to see me anymore, I fucking hated the movie for that rushed forced crap). Anyway, that showed that I guess he didn’t have any inner demons anymore, but there wasn’t a line of dialogue or anything for the others. I guess that nurse played by Stana Katic gets killed because it shows that she has dealt with her demons by being a mentor to Shay Mitchell’s character. But that doesn’t explain the death of Hannah Grace’s father or the two security guards. Are we just to assume they didn’t have inner demons? Very poor ass script decisions. If you are going to set up rules, you have to go all the way or you don’t go at all.

Anyway, to get to the ending that didn’t happen. It sets up the whole time that if someone is possessed by a demon, they will probably have a bright blue neon type shade as their eye color, and not have their normal eye color. I was guessing that the demon was keeping her alive, so that way when the demon finally stitches up the body after killing so many people to resurrect it’s damaged skin (I know, fucking stupid right?), that it would touch Shay Mitchell and she would end up being possessed at that final stupid obligatory sequel scene right before it cuts to end credits. Nope, it didn’t take that ending either (although ten bucks says it is on the deleted scenes). And what is so frustrating is that everything was set up for that schlock of an ending. So I don’t know whether to actually praise the movie for not doing that, or be mad that it didn’t just go full schlock on itself. The possessed body of Hannah Grace fully takes care of fixing up the body, and grabs on to Shay Mitchell’s head right before she finally gets it into the incinerator, in what looked like a soul swapping little maneuver. So she actually ends up getting the body into the incinerator (without the help of anyone, even her ex boyfriend cop offers to help her but she says no because the script stupidly calls for that solo journey ending bullshit thing) and then we see her some time after, her demons behind her, running just to work out, taking yet ANOTHER FUCKING SHOWER FOR ANOTHER STUPID SHOWER SHOT, and then after the shower she stares in the mirror. Her left eye framed right in the middle of the screen, her wet hair covering the eye. Switch too even a more close up of her face and her eye. Then a god damn fly lands on her bathroom mirror (flies are a recurring theme in this movie, and in more than one case, always scavenging on the open eye of Hannah Grace), and then Shay Mitchell squashes the fly with one finger, end credits. Don’t set up shit unless you are going to follow through. Don’t do schlock unless you are going to go full schlock.

I’m sorry the review is so long. I think I am done. I’m sure I’ll think of other complaints (one of the God damn security guards looks like a grown up version of a Garbage Pail Kid), but I won’t bother editing this thing. I’m done with this movie. I wish I was a billionaire. Because if I was, I would buy the right to this movie before it hit home video. I would then delete/destroy every copy I could find, just to make sure that people like you reading my review are never subjected to this utter and complete piece of shit. I AM OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THE DEMON, EXORCISM, POSSESSION MOVIES!!! The final nail in the coffin as been hit for me. There is no lower that any film could possibly achieve after this. It’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. Definitely bottom ten. Please do yourself a favor and actually listen to me this time. Do not give this film any more money.

This review of Oscar darling, THE FAVOURITE, is going to be short and sweet, because I really want to write a long review bashing one of the worst horror films I have ever seen in my life. Disclaimer: Period pieces such as this I have always found just being ‘okay’ and not really my cup of tea. I thought Pride & Prejudice was okay, I thought Marie Antoinette sucked, I thought the updated version of The Beguiled sucked, I thought The Duchess was okay, The Young Victoria was okay and so on and so forth. I just fail at connecting with them on any level. It’s not that they’re bad films at all, I can see why this one is getting a lot of Oscar buzz, but I just don’t see that praise within myself. I find myself…bored. And I was looking forward to this. When I saw the preview, it looked like a modern take on those kinds of movies, kind of like Marie Antoinette was. But Marie Antoinette really sucked, but we can blame hack job writer/director Sofia Coppola for that (she’s only made one great film, Lost In Translation, and the rest of her movies are borderline unwatchable). Thankfully, she had nothing to do with this one. The trailer also featured some laugh out loud moments and what appeared to be great performances from Olivia Colman, Rachel Weisz, and Emma Stone. And when I saw the movie, I thought a couple of things were neat, I really loved the performances, but the rest of the movie was just, kind of meh. But that probably has to do with my expectations. When I hear a film is Oscar worthy, they go really high, and sometimes it is just too much of a feat for certain movies to overcome.

See, I thought this film was going to be like Rachel Weisz vs. Emma Stone, vying for their affections to the Queen, played by Olivia Coleman. I thought it was going to be more of a…I guess kind of a serious semi-parody on those kind of period piece films. Kind of hard to explain, but I don’t mean an out and out parody a la Airplane or Scary Movie, but something that pokes fun at the genre but also taking it seriously, a la Scream. It turns out it was and it wasn’t. The movie is around 2 hours long, and I think the Weisz vs. Stone stuff really doesn’t start until an hour in. And I thought it was just going to be the whole one person escalates the situation and then the other does something to try and get back at that person but just makes it worse and go on until it all escalates into one huge monster of an explosion type ordeal, something that only the best dark comedies get right. This is definitely more of a drama than it is a dark comedy, and that’s where I think it failed for me. I wanted it to embrace the dark comedy aspect and stick with it. And then the movie just kind of ends and I didn’t necessary like where everything ended up.

But I do understand the ending. The whole message of the movie is “what is winning and what is the cost of it?” Who truly wins in a debacle? And my wife Diane, who saw the movie and really should be giving you her review because I think she liked it a little more than I did, (she agrees with me it is only a one time watch) gave me her version of who won, etc, and she was right on the money. And it made me appreciate the ending a little better, I just don’t think I personally liked it, and imagined the movie going down a bleaker and over-the-top kind of path. If it is anything I agree with the movie in its Oscar Buzz, it is the acting. Olivia Colman has a great shot at winning the Best Actress Oscar, her Queen character is extraordinary obnoxious and you love to hate her, and Weisz and Stone for supporting. Especially Stone, she plays an awesomely wicked little brat. But the true MVP in this film, in my opinion, is Nicholas Hoult as Harley, a person in government trying to ultimately win the Queen’s ear in his politics. Whenever he was on screen, I laughed out loud quite a bit. In the end, I wish the whole movie was about his character and his point of view. If they had him a little more in the film, I could’ve seen a supporting actor nod all the way. If there is one reason to just watch this film once, it is him all the way. (If you don’t know who Nicholas Hoult is, he is the younger Beast in the X-Men movies, that crazy lovely day dude in Mad Max Fury Road, and the lead in Warm Bodies…he also used to fuck Jennifer Lawrence.)

Anyways, this is the third major American released film by Yorgos Lanthimos. I didn’t care for The Lobster all that much, and I basically hated The Killing of a Sacred Deer. This is definitely his best film of the three and I have a feeling he is going to make something some day that I love (also just found out that he didn’t write this one, like he did the other two, and that’s probably a contributing factor). I did like some of his stylistic choices in this film, such as a fish eye lens in some scenes, and the whole film was shot like a camera was at someone’s waist pointing up the whole time, but on the whole I think I was asking too much from the film to satisfy my entertainment fix. It didn’t reach the value I had set for it. I was entertained at times (it had a good sexual joke or two as well), but I was also very bored through long stretches of the film. I wanted more dark comedy, I wanted more Weisz Vs. Stone scenarios, I wanted a more grand ending. These were just my wants, and it didn’t deliver, but only on my level. If you like period pieces, you will probably love this film. It is Oscar worthy completely in some aspects, but when it comes to me personally, I’m glad that I saw it once, but it will never be one I watch over and over again; it will never be one of my favorites.

I’m just going to go on record first and foremost and state that RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET is totally superior to its predecessor, in each and every way: storytelling, voice acting, jokes, progression of plot…you name it…its better than the first. The first Wreck It Ralph (2012) was Disney coy sly yet obvious response to the whole everything needs to be “meta” phase that started around 2010 in the entertainment industry. Fuck, we even got a Scream 4. Remember that? The first movie was quite decent, cute, some good “meta” jokes, but the plot was very standard Disney fair and suffered a little from its predictability. When first seeing that movie 6 years ago, I walked out thinking, “Obviously if there is a sequel they are probably going to up the ante and do something with the Internet and whatever craze those darn kids are up to now on the web. I really underestimated my guess. Ralph Breaks The Internet throws in everything including the kitchen sink in this one, so much that I have no idea where they are going to go with a third one, and right now don’t think a third one could possibly exist, unless they waited another 7 to 10 years and have Ralph “wreck” whatever stupid shit people are doing then.

But what surprised me most about Ralph Breaks The Internet, even though I was sort of right on my guess, I was very wrong with what it was going to be. I thought it was going to be the exact same film at the first, just with new jokes and other family fun bullshit. I think this film is smarter than it thinks it is. The story and plot progression is almost perfect. All these little seeds planted at the very beginning of the film have huge and satisfying payoffs at the end. And the beats in between the story were completely unpredictable. I thought I knew where the film was going to go after so and so did this or whatever thing happened next but then the film would introduce something else that completely destroyed my expectations. At parts I was like, “oh, this is where the entirety of the film is going to end up isn’t it.” Five minutes later, “oh whoops, nope, out of that plot device and into this one, I bet this is where we’ll stay for the majority of the film.” Nope. The film switched gears constantly in the best way possible.

I’m guessing 6 years give you a lot of time to write a solid story and create jokes that don’t seem old and actually hold up over time? If so, please don’t release Wreck It Ralph 3 until I’m in my early 40s. The animation to me seemed a lot more focused, colorful, and really easy on the eyes. Especially the big, grand finale that you’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it. The film has plenty of internet jokes that had me laughing out loud multiple times throughout the movie. And if the jokes didn’t get a physical laugh out of me, I chuckled in my head thinking it was quite clever. If you liked the Disney Princess scene in the short previews you’ve seen marketing Ralph Breaks The Internet and feared that those were the only jokes involving them. Fear not. The princesses have more to say and more to do, with a studio joke near the end of their first sequence almost had me laughing in tears. (In fact, when I did some research, the joke is even more funny, considering that the princess used in that joke is in the movie that beat out Wreck It Ralph in the 2012 Academy Awards for Best Animated Feature, going back I’d much rather watch Ralph 1 than this particular film that ended up winning).

There isn’t much more to say about the movie, because if I revealing any plot progression whatsoever, I would ruin some of the fun of the movie and I don’t want to do that. But definitely go see it with a loved one or with the entire family. It is a heck of a lot of fun. I guess I could talk about voice acting, with John C. Reilly and Sarah Silverman knocking it out of the park once again. New addition is Gal Gadot as this racer chick in an internet game, and she is pretty amazing here too. Part 2 is so so good, that if they release it sooner than the break between the first one and this, I’m going to be bracing myself for a Return of the Jedi type situation. Finale was satisfying but a little underwhelming. I think they should take their time and see where technology takes us in the next decade before they even start talking about green lighting the project. I just know I was very impressed by a sequel this year. And every time I’m impressed by a sequel, I feel like an angel gets its wings, because it happens less and less often every year.

THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES would not have worked at all if Kurt Russell wasn’t in it. He completely carries the movie on his back and it the little cute one time watch that it is. Everything about it feels ripped off from other movies, it is basically if the last 15 minutes of Elf, fucked the last 15 minutes of The Santa Clause, and they had a baby that was stretch to an hour and 40 some odd minutes. It’s cheesy, has terrible CGI reindeer and elves, and the story is ho ho ho hum to the cliched degree. It barely makes it out alive, and again, it is all because of Kurt.

Kurt Russell is this generation’s John Wayne. He just oozes cool and you simply can’t take it away from him. He’s Snake Plissken dammit. And if you’ve read anything about him and his personal life, he is just an all around really good really nice person. And he actually seems like he is having fun making this movie. He’s now one of my favorite Santa’s, and if Netflix does end up making a sequel to this, that hopefully they get new writer and have a better story that matches his talents.

Tell me if this doesn’t sound familiar: A young girl and her older brother are missing their firefighter dad as this is their first Christmas without him, after it is revealed he died trying to save people in a burning building (I understand its supposed to be a family movie, but they could’ve tastefully shown him going to rescue people aka going to his death). The two siblings don’t get along anymore, but to try and have a little pretend fun (and the fact the girl saw a fast hand leaving a present on their couch a previous year of looking over Christmas Eve home movies), they set up a camera and hide to see if they can catch Santa Claus in the act. They do, and they somehow crash and fuck up his sleigh. For the world not to lose Christmas spirit, they have to find Santa’s missing hat that powers the sled, find the missing reindeer, and find Santa’s toy bag, bring it all together so Santa can get presents to all the good kids of the world, while also teaching the kids life lessons and helping them out after the loss of their father.

That just oozes cliche doesn’t it? The first works at first. Kurt Russell trying to convince adults and normal folk that he’s the real Santa Claus is fun and kind of funny, with Russell just completely chewing the scenery. But then the movie does something that is a huge no no. Without getting into too many spoilers, the movie splits the kids and Santa up, and Santa ends up more than half the movie in one particular set, when he should’ve been with the kids the entire time. Kurt Russell still hams it up even though he is still on this one set, and he even has a musical number, but I can’t forgive the screenwriters for doing this. Again, if there is a sequel, and their are kids involved in the story, Santa needs to tag along the entire time.

The film is 150% predictable and falls into almost every screen writing no no imaginable. But like I said, Kurt Russell made it one time watchable. He makes a very charming Santa Claus, and a surprise cameo that will surprise no one at the end put a little cherry on top of his performance for me. So yeah, if it is getting near Christmas on the weekend and your whole family is there with nothing to do, this might make a decent watch on the couch, everybody trying to get warm and snug, but as a re watchable over and over again Christmas classic, or even a short and sweet second visit, you might need to find a different chimney to jump into.

I will probably be in the minority on this but, I thought the new Coen Brothers movie, THE BALLAD OF BUSTER SCRUGGS, was only okay. The Coen Brothers have never really truly made what you would call a bad film in my opinion. For me there is two sides to the Coen brother spectrum/coin for me. Really truly fantastic great Coen Brothers movies like Fargo or No Country For Old Men or Inside Llewyn Davis or Blood Simple or Miller’s Crossing or the redo of True Grit or Raising Arizona or Intolerable Cruelty…yes, yes, I’m getting to it in a dramatic fashion…The Big Lebowski. And then you have okay, mediocre Coen Brothers whose movies are still better than half the shit Hollywood still puts out nowadays but not good enough to watch again. Those films for me include: A Simple Man, O Brother Where Art Thou, The Ladykillers, Burn After Reading, Hail Caesar…and now this.

It’s hard to review the movie as a whole, since its really an anthology movie, with six different segments about stories in the whole West. So, without spoilers mind you, I’m going to quickly review all six, and review why this film showed signs of Coen brothers greatness, but was ultimately a good natured, good try, shrug from me.

1. The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs – the first segment is easily the best. A funny, yet dark Looney Tune homage. Campy and violent and crazy over the top, right down to characters dying and being shown going to heaven while playing the harp while having CGI wings taking them there. Tim Blake Nelson sings and is perfectly fantastic as Buster Scruggs. I wanted this segment to be the entire movie. Alas, for what it was, it was a good length, and I had a shit load of fun.

And then everything goes a little down hill in a roller coaster type dynamic, high and lows, but never getting near the highs of that first awesome drop.

2. Near Algodones – this second story had some good Coen brother moments, especially Stephen Root as a crazed bank manager/owner, and the moral of the tale was a little dark, sad, and funny, but this second segment was too short. I didn’t feel as though the message was earned in the end. I wish it had taken James Franco on a couple of more weird karma journeys before getting to the end. It just felt rushed.

3. Meal Ticket – I get the dark aspects of the story, but everything just didn’t work for me on this one. Honestly thought it was the worst segment of the 6, and it stars Liam Neeson for God’s sake. Again, I thought this segment was too short for the ending to be earned. I didn’t care for the no armed-no legged kid that was being dragged by Neeson from town to town, trying to get money from the town folk from the kid reciting famous literature.

4. All Gold Canyon – This was the second best segment. The cinematography, like in the first segment, was amazing. It told a perfectly short story about a gold digger. Wasn’t too short, didn’t overstay its welcome. Tom Waits was great in this.

5. The Gal Who Got Rattled – while the ending was great and nicely done, I didn’t care for what led up to it. I like Zoe Kazan as an actress, but her character didn’t make me care for her plight at all. And while Bill Heck did he best to show the light side of man in a somber tale about the consequences of your actions and not paying attention, nothing worked to make me feel for anyone, the only thing nice to look at again, was the cinematography

6. The Mortal Remains – Probably the third best segment, really great imagery, and allegory, and symbolism…I just wish the dialogue were better on this, and again, the segment should’ve been longer. I can’t really dish out any details for fear of spoiling reveals, but there needed to be more interesting dialogue if your segment is just five people talking in a stage coach the whole time.

Anyway, I really loved one segment, really liked one, really hated one, and thought two were meh. So I guess the laws of averages state that this film was only okay. If you want to watch a Coen brother near perfect Western, watch the remake of True Grit, it’s fantastic, or even watch No Country For Old Men, I consider that a western as well. This could’ve been so much better…perhaps they knew it wasn’t their best material and that is why its being released on Netflix? Who knows, I just expected more out of them and out of the segments. Each should’ve been at least pretty good, but its such an up and down and at points un engaging hill that I can only recommend it as a one time watch for Coen Brothers enthusiasts like me.

When CREED II was announced, I admit I got worried. The first film’s director and co-writer Ryan Coogler was up in his own butt for Marvel making Black Panther. So Sylvester Stallone announced he was going to co-write the sequel and direct. Oh shit…(Stallone has not been a great screenplay writer as of late and an even worse director. But then Stallone decided to set his ego aside and let a different director, Steven Caple Jr. (known mostly for short films), take the reigns, yet still was a little weary that his hands was on the screenplay. But I needn’t worry, I should realize that Stallone knows he can’t just ham it up like he does his Expendables screenplays, he loves and cares about this franchise, and knows that love needed to be put into this sequel of a highly successful semi reboot of the franchise. While Creed II isn’t as great as the original, it gets pretty damn close, a very worthy sequel, and probably the third best in the Rocky franchise.

You have to hand it to a 8th movie in a franchise that makes the 4th movie look better than it actually was. When the first Creed came out in theaters, I was trying to think of ways the story could continue. And my first thought was that Dolph Lundgren’s Ivan Drago could come back, and he could have a son that Adonis would fight, and that him and Bianca would either get engaged, find out she’s pregnant, or both, and he would have to balance that responsibility of staying alive to watch his daughter grow up while trying to find a way to beat Viktor Drago to secure his legacy and get semi-revenge on the death of his father. Whelp, I was right, and that is the plot of this movie.

You’d figure that if I could correctly guess the plot of the movie that I wouldn’t like it right? Wrong. While the movie’s journey is quite predictable (aren’t all the Rocky movies though?), the journey itself was nice, grounded, and realistic, and doesn’t go to one of the cheesier routes the later Rocky series took. This film is nice, gritty, and dark enough for audiences to take seriously. Also, I was really surprised by the arc that Stallone and co-writer Juel Taylor gave to Viktor and Ivan Drago. It’s very short yet very sweet, and added a little humanity in what would’ve just been another throw away role for Dolph Lundgren.

The acting is top notch as always. Michael B. Jordan and Tessa Thompson rule. Sylvester Stallone kind of takes more of a back seat in this film than he did the last, not wanting Adonis to potentially get himself killed by fighting Viktor, so trying to stay out of it altogether by not being in Adonis’ corner. In Creed, Stallone’s arc was huge as Rocky was battling his worst nemesis yet, cancer. In this he is in the shadows, giving sage advice until he needs to get himself more involved. He is still good in the role, and I’m glad that Stallone’s ego didn’t make him write a meatier role. He realized that Adonis is the story now, and he just needed to be a supporting guiding hand.

The boxing fight scenes are great and pack a punch, but while the first Creed you felt like you were actually in an arena with a giant audience, the background outside the ring this time seemed a little too green screened in, and it didn’t feel at all like I was in the stadium with everyone, and that was a bummer. But then two cameos from two people (other than Dolph) from previous entries in the series put a smile to my face and made me completely forgive some of the green screen tactics.

It’s a good story, and very entertaining. It was never going to be better than Creed, but we have to give it credit for coming mighty close to being as good. But the real problem here, if its successful, is that I don’t see what Creed 3 could be about. And while the fight/boxing formula worked this 2nd time around, I don’t know if third time would be a charm. The series now needs to take a different route, and I don’t know if Stallone is up to the challenge. Maybe Ryan Coogler could have an idea, but Disney owns his ass now. In a sane world, I would say Creed II is the perfect way to end this franchise. But you know that Hollywood will beat a dead boxer as long as it would a dead horse…

Rocky Franchise Order (IMO)

1. Rocky
2. Creed
3. Creed II
4. Rocky Balboa
5. Rocky II
6. Rocky III
7. Rocky IV
8. Rocky V

Happy Thanksgiving!!!! It’s the holiday season and the Christmas movies have started to arrive. The Nutcracker and the Four Realms was just was pretty as the trailer looks. The costumes are gorgeous and what small about of ballet is in the film is wonderful. I really liked the actor that played the nutcracker, I hope he goes places. That’s about all the good things I have to say about the film.

The first thing that I thought when I left the theater was, “that wasn’t the Nutcracker.” And it’s not. Nutcracker fans will be very disappointed in the film’s take on the story. It’s overwhelmingly predictable and not at any time did I feel that I was watching my favorite ballet. They barely used any of the original music in the score. And the characters were vague wisps of the characters that fans love.

Over all if you want to see a performance of The Nutcracker, please go see one of the many performances that dance companies are putting on this season. Or watch one of the classic performances on video. The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is not going to quench your thirst for The Nutcracker and will leave you craving the original.

THE FRONT RUNNER is yet another Jason Reitman misfire for me. Which is disappointing, because at one time I used to love him as a director. He’s only really made 3 really great films, a sort of Son of Reitman trilogy if you will: Thank You For Smoking, Juno, and Up In The Air. And yes, I realize this is Jason Reitman’s second film this year, but truth be told, I didn’t really like Tully all that much. It was decent until the Fight Club ending ruined it. I didn’t like Men, Women, & Children and I didn’t like Labor Day, and I am not a fan of Young Adult. The Front Runner had the potential to add a 4th great film onto his filmography, but alas the film has a very distracting uneven focus (I know I’ve been using that word a lot lately but narrative focus is very important to me), it never really analyzes the issues it raises, it doesn’t tell the whole story, and its kind of boring. Hugh Jackman is good in it, but Oscar worthy is a term that gets thrown around too much. This role is not Oscar worthy for him, if you want to see Hugh Jackman act and also be Oscar worthy, watch Logan, Prisoners, or Les Miserables.

The Front Runner is essentially about a senator named Gary Hart who was this close to actually becoming President instead of George H.W. Bush (we are told a million times that he is 12 points ahead of Bush) in the late 80s, but a scandal involving extra marital affairs essentially destroyed his entire campaign in three weeks. The real problem with the movie is that the film doesn’t know who to focus on, and it leaves it a muddled mess. At one point it’s focused on Hart, then it decides he himself isn’t interesting enough, so then it focuses on the press, and then it finds that isn’t interesting enough so then it focuses on his campaign workers, and then it finds that isn’t interesting enough, so it focuses on Hart’s wife and daughter, and then that isn’t interesting enough so it focuses on Donna Rice and a campaign worker trying to get information out of her but keep her quite. It changes focus so often and so fast, it seems that Hugh Jackman, about half way through the film, is pushed out of his own movie, and doesn’t really pop back up to finally defend himself at the very end. But way before then it lost my interest anyway. I was constantly checking my watch seeing how much time the movie had left.

The film should’ve picked one or maybe two points of view and stuck with it. Focus on Hart and maybe the journalists who uncovered a possible affair. Yet even then, I think that the movie still wouldn’t have analyzed the issues it raises, such as public opinion on politicians and skeletons in their closets or how journalists have developed over the years (the movie seems to turn them from men to monsters very fast). The movie really doesn’t show any examples of public opinion on the matter. We are told by the journalists, and campaign people what people think, but we are never shown any instances of that (again, I know I use that a lot in my reviews, but showing rather than telling is essential). Maybe the movie should’ve had a couple of news samples with journalists interviewing everyday folk about Hart? I don’t know what could’ve saved this movie. I thought the movie was going to be ambigious about whether or not Hart had the affair, and that would’ve been interesting, but in one scene it tells you all you need to know probably about what happened. And after that scene, I was disappointed it didn’t go in a “what if?” route.

Other than Hugh Jackman, every other star here is absolutely wasted. Vera Farmiga plays Gary Hart’s wife, and you’d think she’s have a strong emotional impact on the film about what this “scandal” is doing to her and her family, but we get a short little speech about how she asked Hart to never embarrass her, and then we are shown her talking on the phone to her daughter about journalists and papparazzi harassing her. You are telling me Jason Reitman couldn’t have filmed a scene showing that harassment? It could’ve packed a huge emotional punch, but instead, it’s Vera Farmiga in the background, on a pay phone, telling the audience what happened basically. Reitman is throwing filmmaking 101 right out the fucking window with scenes like this. There’s a bunch of other stars with bit parts and two lines, and this review would be too long to read, so I just want to talk about J.K. Simmons really quickly. It seems that Simmons is maybe the campaign headquarters manager? And his character is completely useless other than spouting off “wink wink” dialogue to the audience every 2 minutes, commenting on how journalism, politicians, and public opinion is changing. Gee, I wonder what he is really commenting on there???? A couple of nods is fine, but literally every piece of dialogue that came out of his mouth was just telling the audience that’s the way things are now…because because….”do you get it?”

One last thing before I sign off here. I read what really happened with Gary Hart after the movie, and a lot of information is missing or was completely tossed out the window. Hart *spoilers* eventually ends his campaign due to harassment and not wanting to be upfront with journalists about the affair, but come to find out, he comes back and starts it again, but then he is quickly delegated to the background of politics. That would’ve been an interesting segment to watch. Also, this whole scandal wasn’t only about the women he may or may not have had sex with in his town home, but it was also about a relationship when he was separated with his wife and also how his campaign was really really in debt from his 1984 stab at the throne. They mention the relationship quickly off hand and they never mention this debt. That would’ve been more interesting to the proceedings of why he initially cancelled his campaign. But alas, the film just focuses on the possible affair, and Hart’s hesitation to just answer questions the way the media and public want to hear them answered. When watching the movie, it just doesn’t make much sense why it is a big hoopla. Like I said, if it would’ve had more of a focus on just Hart, I think that message would’ve come across more clear.

But yeah, another disappointment form Jason Reitman, starting to not look forward to his films when they come out in the future. When this was his second movie this year, it kind of became clear that this was rushed in order to make it into Oscar season. If it gets nominated for anything, I will be shocked. If the script was retooled and it was delayed a year, we might’ve gotten something really really good out of Reitman, Jackman, and anyone involved. This is just another political film lost in a sea of mediocre political films. Oh well.

I’m probably going to get ripped by a lot of professional critics for saying that GREEN BOOK is so far (with very little time left) the best film of 2018. To think I would ever have a movie a the top of my list that was the co-director on Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, and There’s Something About Mary, but yes, I love, love, love, LOVE a movie that was directed by a Farrelly brother (Peter). Some will call this movie very formulaic and generic with few surprises. Some will call this film too much of a crowdpleaser with not enough racial or cultural insight (highly disagree) to be put on the top of any best of list in 2018. Some will say the dialogue is too to the point and not very witty at all. Fuck ’em. About halfway through the film I was thinking, “unless this crashes and burns with the ending, this is easily the best of the year.” I thought I had jinxed myself. Normally when a movie is playing and I lean over and say I love this or this is one of the best I’ve seen in awhile, the ending completely crashes and burn, ending up being ultimately forgetting. Green Book defied those odds and landed perfectly for me.

And the reason why it landed perfectly was because of two people: Viggo Mortensen, and Mahershala Ali. They have the best chemistry I’ve seen in any film all year and they aren’t even romantic leads. Both deserve to be nominated for Oscars for this. They are pitch perfect, delivering what would be generic or collar pulling dialogue if not for their masterful deliveries. Their performances transcend the boundaries that the thin plot delivers,where it doesn’t matter what kind of situation they could be going through, you could watch them squabble, bicker, tease, or relate to each other for hours. The trailers don’t really give a sense of why the movie is called Green Book, but for those of you not in the know, I’ll explain it to you. The film takes place in 1962, and back in those days, there was this book, called The *censored* Motorist Green book, where it depicted safe places where African American travelers could find lodging, restaurants, and other businesses that would serve them. Viggo Mortensen plays an Italian-American bouncer that becomes a driver to a really, really talented African-American pianist named Dr. Don Shirley. Although very different culturally and morally ambiguous to one another, they together navigate through the 1960s deep south in order to get to each of Dr. Don Shirley’s venues where he is playing for rich white hypocritical folks.

The plot is very simple. They must make it to each venue and Dr. Shirley must play at each venue for Viggo Mortensen’s Tony Lip to receive the other half of the salary he was promised by the record company if the tour was finished unscathed. It’s essentially a road trip racial awareness film, and we already know that Peter Farrelly can go direct the hell out of a road trip movie, but can he make another one that is more diverse in its thinking, has smart character arcs and motivations, and can tie up everything in one nice racially moral bow? I give a resounding hell yes as an answer. Yes, you could say the movie is too smooth of a ride considering the subject matter. But to me, if you are making movies, and they are insights into racial oppression, you got to have films on both ends of the spectrum. There are great movies that deal with those issues that are gritty and real and dark. But as Thanos would say, you have to have balance. Green Book is that balance to those films. It tackles the same life lessons, but in a more heartfelt manner that gives you that nice ‘ooey-gooey’ feeling to get those families into the theater to get those profit making dollars. Even though I’d have to argue that for a PG-13 film, it is a pretty hard PG-13.

The film does have a few surprises. This movie was inspired by a true friendship, so I don’t know how much of what they showed was true or not (I decided not to do some research on this film, unlike Bohemian Rhapsody) but there are some character little plot twists that I didn’t see coming at all. It really is a feel good film. This film will capture your heart easily or you will denounce the movie by saying something to the tune of what one critic has said, “It’s not quite Racism for Dummies, but the strokes are so broad and the tone so breezy that “I saw Green Book” could qualify as the new “I have a black friend.” Yikes. Honestly that is too harsh of a review. I can tell you that nobody involved in this production sees the movie as such. I didn’t see the movie as such and would never use the movie as such in discussing it with people. It’s just a really really feel good movie that give us the best chemistry and performances of the year while tackling a very sensitive subject matter just the right way without it getting too harsh or controversial with modern audiences. I do understand that some people are upset the movie doesn’t go darker and grittier. But then I would say they need to understand that the world can’t be all dark and gritty just to get a point across. Not all people are going to accept that point in that way. Coming from it at a different angle can get others attention that you wouldn’t get going Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice on our asses.

So yeah, I loved this film. It really reminded me of The Help, another great movie that tackled a lot of the exact same issues. And just like The Help, Green Book rides a fine line on its tone, trying to convey a very serious message while not going too dark to lose people. The movie is as entertaining and quippy and fun just like its trailer was. And just like the trailer, if you teared up or cried during it, times that by about ten while watching the film. I recommend that entire families go out and see this during the upcoming holiday. I did say it was a harsh PG-13 (the F word is said 3 times, and several racial slurs and tiny bit of sexuality), but I think they can handle it (especially if families handled The Help). This is one of those films like The Shawshank Redemption, or Groundhog Day, or Ghostbusters, or Pulp Fiction, or Inception, that if you turn on the television, no matter where the movie is at, you’ll stick with it until the credits roll, and if an encore plays, watch it until you caught up with the previous airing you watched. It’s really that good, and anybody that doesn’t like it, I’m going to have to call you all sticks in the mud. Sometimes you have to keep your harsh critic within you in check.