Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BUMBLEBEE aka Transformers 6 (comes out Dec 21st, but I’m spoiling it anyway)

Fool me four times, shame on you. Fool me five times…I mean, what did I really expect from BUMBLEBEE? aka Transformers 6? aka prequel to the first movie? I expected something different. For starters, there is a new screenplay writer (writing the upcoming Birds of Prey movie, which gets me really fucking worried now), Michael Bay didn’t direct it (but he has a producer credit, so I still should’ve seen this shit fest coming), it’s a prequel so we don’t have to continue the story from the last one, the Transformers designs are more like they were in the 80s cartoon, it has talented actress in Hailee Steinfeld, and a couple of other things going for it. Nope. Bumblebee is still the same movie. And just like every preceding Transformers movie, it is now the worst of them all. I still like the very first Transformers movie with Shia LeBeouf. It still gives me nostalgia and memberberry goosebumps when I remember seeing these awesome action sequences for the first time (when Bay hadn’t sold out quite yet) and Shia LeBeouf still carried the movie before he turned into the hippie psycho we all know and fear now. But Revenge of the Fallen and so on and so forth have all been the same film. And Bumblebee doesn’t do itself any favors with tricking the audience. You think you are going to get something different with a lighter, more family friendly tone, and heartfelt story, and in actuality you get just a soft reboot/remake of the first movie. You get basically almost the exact same origin movie, yet with worse dialogue than the original, uninspiring action (even when Bay’s action got tiresome there was still some cool shots, this has zilch), terrible, terrible fucking acting, AND THE EXACT SAME GOD DAMN ENDING AS ALL THE OTHERS.

Yeah so, the only few differences with this movie, is that it takes place in the 80s, and it’s Hailee Steinfeld instead of Shia, and we sort of get to see the fall of Cybertron, and the Transformer designs look more like they did in the 80s cartoon. That’s about it. So think for yourself, if this takes place in the 80s, and the war on Earth doesn’t start for another twenty years, and this is supposed to be canon with the rest of the other movies, what story do they have to tell that would make sense with the rest of it? Basically only two Decepticons try and track Bumblebee for the entire film, and their mission is to find him, but then send ANOTHER GOD DAMN SIGNAL FROM ANOTHER GOD DAMN TOWER to the other Decepticons, alerting them that the Autobots new base is on Earth. So all the tension is completely drained from this film, because we know they don’t, because we know the real war doesn’t start until Shia LeBeouf comes into play. And if you watch the others, the ending is the same, there is some tower, with some beam, that Bumblebee and the main protagonist have to destroy to prevent whatever comes next. It is so tiring, they couldn’t have found anything else to do? Why have a storyline that features humans at all? Why couldn’t they have made a movie focusing on the fall of Cybertron or maybe some battles and crusades through space before they actually found Earth? Do we really need to add us, human beings, into the mix just to have the story related to dumb minded casual moviegoers? I guess the answer is yes.

John Cena gives the worst performance of the year by anyone in any movie. He is so God damn terrible in this. Every line delivery is over the top and unrealistic and he seems like he thinks he is in a comedy. Every time he showed up on screen, I was wincing and clenching my teeth every time he opened his mouth. It was that bad. In fact, every human character is stupey, stupey, dumb, dumb, or really just inept except for Haille Steinfeld. This movie makes our government and military looks super, super, dumb, and it is very insulting. And I get that this movie is supposed to be more family friendly in tone but this goes down to the level of cheap straight to video family tone. The dialogue is so bad it feels like a new born baby wrote it. And none of the choices in the movie, made by character, Autobot, or Decepticon, make any damn sense. The Decepticon’s have Bumblebee’s location before they land on Earth, yet they land on the other side of the country and then have a long road ahead of them? And even if that were the case, and they know Bumblebee is there, why didn’t they try and just start the signal to alert all the other Decepticons right away and get them to destroy Earth instead of waiting until it was plot convenient to do so and have all these entities trying to stop them? When Bumblebee lands on Earth for the first time, he happens to land right in the fucking middle of John Cena and his army playing a friendly combat simulation of paintball. You know why he lands right in the middle of them? Contrived plot fucking convenience.

Everything in this movie is convenience, convenience, and convenience. Nothing develops realistically or naturally. Every choice is forced, or several lines of bad dialogue are written to explain why they can’t do this and this now, or what they can’t alert so and so right away. The Decepticons have literally 10 fucking times in the movie to make sure that Bumblebee is dead yet they don’t fucking do it for scripts sake. It is mind numbing and infuriatingly bizarre. And I had another “are you fucking kidding me?” moment in this film, and the whole time I knew this moment was going to happen, but praying it wasn’t so. They introduce Hailee Steinfeld’s character as someone who was a really good pool diver, possibly even Olympic qualifying. She quit because of her dad, and one point in the middle of the movie, Bumblebee pushes her to try and show off in front of some bullies but she can’t do it. So at the very end, where the tower and signal is for the Decepticons to signal the other and destroy Earth, there just happens to be a damn near by, and that damn gets destroyed, and she dives in from a very high point to try and save Bumblebee from possibly “drowning”. Even though he is a large mechanical entity and she wouldn’t be able to bring him to the surface anyway, the movie just puts on this inspiration music and has her do her swan dive to show that she’s developed as a character. Pffft. Also, at one point John Cena wants to see what is going on in a military building he is stationed at, and he tells his group of people that there is a door in his way, and they just blow it up. Why the fuck couldn’t they have just opened it? Also, they wasted actress Hailee Steinfeld in this, she’s the only half way decent thing in this movie, but this young woman has been nominated for an Academy Award (remake of True Grit) and was excellent in The Edge of Seventeen. This and everything else in between has been a slap in the face to her talents. Her and her manager need to learn to say no. Also, the director, Travis Knight, who has been nominated for two Academy Awards for The Boxtrolls and the fantastic Kubo and The Two Strings, should have known better than to take this as his first go around into live action.

Also, Bumblebee with the rest of the Autobots are supposed to be these war specialists, military types that try and fight for the good of their planet. So why does when Bumblebee land on Earth he goes fully mentally challenged and acts like he is a toddler with no clue of what is going on? I mean come on. This Autobot is blasting Decepticons with accuracy at the beginning of the film, giving orders and talking to Optimus Prime, yet when he lands on Earth, he doesn’t understand what hiding is or how to blend in when told. And then he destroys a house because he acts like an animal and doesn’t know to obey orders from Haille Steinfelds character and just stay put? All of the screenplay writing in this film is fucking insulting to me not just as a movie goer, but as a huge film buff that at once wanted to be one, and this shit still gets made. And some of you idiots will still go and out and see this and love it, because you have nothing better to do, and don’t expect more out of movies. If you think I’m talking about you, congrats, you are the reason we still get shitty movies and still get shitty prequel/sequel shit like this. It is time to raise the bar. Hopefully some of you will become the wiser, and this film won’t make any money. But no, it will, and we will get a Bumblebee 2 with Haley Steinfeld coming back even though at the end of the film it would make no fucking sense of why she was coming back and why Bumblebee would come out of hiding between her and LeBeouf. Just more dialogue and plot conveniences written to make that prequel/sequel dollar. In actuality, this should be the final nail in the coffin for the Transformer franchise. They need to roll out right into their graves.

Rank of Transformers Films:

1. Transformers
2 – 6. The exact same pieces of shit, each one stinkier than the last.

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