Category: Netflix

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE DEVIL ALL THE TIME (Netflix)

“Some people are just born to be buried.”

That quote is one of the best lines of dialogue from a movie I’ve heard in long, long time. And thankfully, it is coming from one of 2020 very best films for me, #4 under Tenet, Palm Springs, and Onward. THE DEVIL ALL THE TIME is a tour de force of a motion picture. It’s a very dark and depressing film with interconnected characters and stories that will remind you of other great ones that are similar (in a way) such as A Place Beyond The Pines, Sleepers, and Pulp Fiction. It’s a slow burn disturbing thriller that doesn’t really feel like a slow burn, even at 2 hours and 18 minutes long. The film is also filled with fantastic performances from an A list cast including: Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson, Sebastian Stan, Eliza Scanlan, Riley Keough, Haley Bennett, Bill Skarsgard, Mia Wasikowska, and Jason Clarke. The standouts from this list are easily Holland and Pattinson, with the latter maybe just possibly getting his first Oscar nomination for his creepy as fuck demented preacher role (Although Holland is great too, and him and Pattinson share the best scene in the film together). The only complaint I can think of with this movie is that one of the characters escapes death multiple times rather fluidly in a matter of minutes. But I was holding my breath in anticipation, dread, and tension with those minutes, so why am I really complaining? Could you say that The Devil All The Time might be my favorite Netflix original film of ALL time? Right now, abso-fucking-lutely. Everything about it is great: the camera work, the tone, the tension, the dialogue, the acting, the direction, the acting, the interconnected stories that keep you engaged, the acting, the tension, the interconnected stories, the tone, the dialogue, and the acting. I want to watch it again immediately to study it more. I literally can’t believe how good it was.

You know how sometimes films have narration from a famous actor or actress and that person is usually a character in said movie? Not here. This movie has the balls to cast the author himself (I forgot to mention this is based off a novel I haven’t read but now want to) to narrate parts of this film, just a bystander telling the audience of the inner thoughts of some of the characters during certain scenes, and it completely works. It was a wonderful breath of fresh air not to just hear Tom Holland or someone else from the cast narrate the entire thing. Oh shit…right…what’s it about you might be asking? Per IMDB: “Sinister characters converge around a young man devoted to protecting those he loves in a postwar backwoods town teeming with corruption and brutality.” That is literally the perfect summary without giving anything away. And when I say the film takes its beautiful time, it really does, as Tom Holland, who is billed first and the lead in this movie, doesn’t show up for possibly about 45-50 minutes in. It gives you ample detail of the history of his character and other characters around him that he may or may not cross paths with later. The film also manages to still be engaging even though some would argue that Holland is the only likable character in this movie (I disagree, Mia Wasikowska and Eliza Scanlan were likable to me). The movie balances the unlikable characters’ darkness and despair with incredible acting from all those that don’t make their roles at all sympathetic. Especially Pattinson. If you are still on the hate train because of the Twilight movies, this movie WILL change your mind on him if you haven’t seen Tenet or Good Time. I guarantee you that. And if not, you need to stop watching movies altogether.

This film has multiple wonderful set ups that in turn are earned with multiple incredible pay offs. The movie plots the characters actions so closely that when they do happen to meet up at one time or another, it seems more like fate than it does just a coincidence. I am not familiar at all with writer/director Antonio Campos’ work, but needless to say, I’ll be on the lookout for future projects from him whenever they do happen to cross my path. Knowing the average movie goer, 75% chance that it is you, you have probably looked at my review and then looked at Rotten Tomatoes to see what other critics have thought. You might see it’s 66% right now. I beg you to look at the audience score instead, which is 93% as of this writing. If you took your time to read some of the critic reviews, some of them have the fucking gall to complain that there is no humor in the movie. GOOD GOD PEOPLE, NOT EVERY DARK AND DEPRESSING FILM IS GOING TO HAVE HUMOR. In fact, it would be completely out of place in a tale like this one. These are the same critics that complained there was no humor in Tenet, even though there was, so they are either blind and deaf, or they are literally are that stupid. I cannot recommend The Devil All The Time any more than I already have to you. It is entirely engaging the entire time, my attention was dead set on it when I was watching and it never wavered, I soaked up all of its greatness and then some. Other than that quote at the top of this review, I’m sure on multiple viewings that I’ll catch and memorize a few more. With people being lazy and privileged and cowardly at home and not going to theaters, spending all the time in the world with this devil of a direct to streaming film is the only one I’d recommend (and Palm Springs) to those afraid to step outside their homes.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BABYSITTER 2 – KILLER QUEEN (NETFLIX)

Any streaming service should know that you might have a problem with about 75% of your original movies, when two of the best ones in that 25% include evil babysitters, cult group sacrifices, blood, guts, gore…and Bella Thorne. The Babysitter was a huge sleeper surprise hit back in 2017 for Netflix. No one ever thought that writer/director McG would make his best film on a streaming platform known for it’s 3/4ths of mediocrity, sometimes just plain bullshit. But that film is an absolute blast, and you could tell McG was having a grand ol’ time having fun and not trying to be too serious but letting his creative juices flow at the same time. Instead of ending up with something like Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, which felt like he tried too hard with too many quick shots, cuts, fast edits and manic energy all over the place, he realized with a streaming service not breathing down his back to just breathe and take his time a little. There’s still manic energy in that film, but it’s focused, works to the films’ advantage, but most importantly, it lets some scenes breathe. For being less than an hour and 30 minutes, it still felt like we got to know all the characters and it let scenes take their time when they needed to, and not when they didn’t. The movie even put Samara Weaving (who played the titular babysitter) on the map. THE BABYSITTER: KILLER QUEEN, with director McG returning but also dipping his hand in the screenplay this time, is not only as good as the original, but even better in some parts, narrative wise, than its predecessor. It’s just plain fun. Definitely the pick me up I’m betting the $30 Mulan on Disney+ Premiere couldn’t provide.

If you are interested in this movie, and haven’t seen the first one, try to not watch any trailers for either film, just expect a hard Rated R film with a bunch of blood, shocks, and surprises, and you are good to go. The trailer for the first film shows a little too much, and the trailer for the second film shows a little too much as well, even if it is revealing things more in between the lines than outright and is a bit better at hiding its secrets. Just read these two IMDB descriptions of the first two films, and you are good to go to just press play: The first film – “The events of one evening take an unexpected turn for the worst for a young boy trying to spy on his babysitter” and the second film – “Two years after Cole survived a satanic blood cult, he’s living another nightmare: high school. And the demons from his past? Still making his life hell.” Pretty much almost everybody comes back from the previous movie, and the way the movie eventually gets to the typical sequel formula, that is possibly killing these demons one by one in the most gruesome way possible, isn’t so typical. In fact, there are two big story shockers in the movie that I didn’t see coming. This sequel blindsides you with the fact that you didn’t really know any of the characters that much in the first film, and expands upon them a little, with development choices that completely make sense in context to what we knew, or didn’t know, previously. You’ll see what I’m talking about when it happens. At first you’ll be confused and say: “wait, what?” And then with about two minutes of thinking it’ll turn into: “holy shit, it makes sense, can’t believe they pulled that off!”

Combine that with the more of the quippy dialogue that references pop culture and different movies that we got from the first film. Combine that with more of that zany energy and laugh out loud moments/jokes that we got from the first movie. And combine that with (Randy from Scream 2 would be proud) more gore, more kills, more carnage candy that us core audience just expects from a sequel, and you get something just as good if not better in some ways than the first. It’s not Empire Strikes Back, Aliens, or Terminator 2 kind of superior, in some ways its better and some ways its the same, the perfect double feature if you will. Judah Lewis is back as Cole, and even though he looks much, much older than he did the first time, in the almost 3 year gap since the first one (only two years later in the movie for high school purposes) he hasn’t lost any of the geeky heroic-ness mannerisms he had. Emily Alyn Lind gets much, much more screen time in this film, and it certainly doesn’t go to waste. Jenna Ortega is the film’s fresh face, and her performance in this is a warm welcome considering she just signed on to play a lead in Scream 5. The supporting demons still haven’t lost a step. Hana Mae Lee, the silent girl in the Pitch Perfect films, is as cool and weird as ever, Andrew Bachelor gets more screen time here to full effect (the movie even pokes fun at itself that he does get more screentime), and the Robbie Amell shirtless jokes here definitely hit harder and are more belly ache laughter inducing than the first one.

The weakest link is…no surprise…Bella Thorne. I think she is very limited as an actress in general, and having one film high up on my worst list of this year, Infamous, I wasn’t expecting her to win me over here. But I thought that since she was decent in the first movie and that McG gets the best out of his actors, that she would be decent in this one again. However, I think social media fame has gotten the best of her as she has some weird line delivery issues in the sequel, but thankfully she’s not in the film that long. Not all of her line delivery is weird though, just a couple of moments that could’ve used another take or two. Then again, Ken Marino is in this again too and has a different movie high up on my worst list this year, The Sleepover, but here he’s fine and not that annoying. **********MAJOR SPOILER WARNING FOR THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH, SKIP TO NEXT ONE IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS MOVIE OR THE TRAILER************************************************ Let’s get to the elephant in the room for those that have watched the trailer or heard news about this sequel when it started filming. Where is Samara Weaving? It showed she survived the first film in a mid credits sequence, but in the promotional materials and the casting call sheet about a year ago, her name is no where to be found. Luckily, not to worry. The end of the trailer teased her return, and the film delivers. And even though it is more of a glorified extended cameo, she’s still a very important part of the story it turns out, and I’m glad that getting famous off of the film Ready or Not didn’t go to her head and she didn’t just abandon the franchise she was known for being the true star of. ********************************END OF MAJOR SPOILERS************************************

Like I said, The Babysitter: Killer Queen is a whole lot of just plain fun. Something I and many other people might truly need right now. I’m surprised that this sequel wasn’t more heavily promoted. Were they afraid it wasn’t good and just more of the same, but not as good in its execution? Granted you have 4 writers compared to the first’s one, but they managed to come together to deliver something just as entertaining, and didn’t treat us like sequel idiots that so many sequels tend to do. McG definitely didn’t slack on this one either. He treats it like a rip roaring, actually fun and adventurous reunion of sorts even though it’s only been 3 years and not 10 like some lame high school ones tend to be (I didn’t go to mine, that’s how lame it sounded). The movie starts strong, doesn’t lag and doesn’t let up until the end credits. Speaking of end credits, make sure you stay through just the mid credits, as just like last time, there is another short scene that possibly teases a third film. Even though if they just ended it here, it would be fine. But if they do make a third one, hopefully they have more tricks up their sleeve and introduce another unique and realistic way to continue the story and still have Cole just battling his same demons all over again. Last time, it all took place in a house, here it is mostly a rocky and watery terrain in the middle of nowhere. Maybe shakes things up and the next one be at the high school or even college campus? The possibilities are endless. Thankfully with this spectacular sequel, if everybody does come back again a third time around, both cast and crew, the trilogy could still end up being…killer.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: I’M THINKING OF ENDING THINGS (Netflix)

I’m thinking I did not like I’M THINKING OF ENDING THINGS. Not one bit. In fact, this has now replaced Relic as the most critically overrated film of 2020 so far for me. And it’s not that I didn’t “get” it. I got it all right. In fact, I suspected what was really going on almost only 10 minutes into the movie (and I was right, and I hated that I was right because it’s one of those endings that has been done to DEATH). I just couldn’t get invested in any of it. The acting was good, but I didn’t any of the characters and didn’t feel for any of their plight (that fact becomes even more so when the movie reveals its entire hand). The dialogue seemed like it was trying to sound smart, fast, and quippy, when in fact it came off as pretentious and it resulted in scenes that just dragged on and on and on and on. At 2 hours and 14 minutes, this film was WAY too long. This film reminds me of Darren Aronofsky’s mother!, where it just kept screaming in your face the phrase “DO YOU GET IT?!?” the entire run time and doesn’t go much in depth or really have much to say in terms of getting old, depression, Alzheimer’s, etc. etc. etc. It’s artistic trash, and I don’t really care for those types of films. Fans of Aronofsky, Paul Thomas Anderson, and Charlie Kaufman (who wrote and directed this) will just eat this film up. And maybe you are, and if so, perfectly fine. I get the fans of their films, I really do, my tastes just refuse to accept a lot of the allegorical nonsense. In fact, I think I might only be a fan of one of each of their movies, Kaufman’s being Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. I don’t know, if you are a fan of Kaufman’s and these types of movies, you be the ultimate judge if its premise intrigues you enough to watch it. Don’t listen to what I have to say. But I have a feeling that a lot of modern audiences won’t get past the first hour on Netflix, and soon many will just be thinking of ending things by deleting it from their ‘continue watching’ list.

IMDB’s description of the film is pretty vague: “Full of misgivings, a young woman travels with her new boyfriend to his parents’ secluded farm. Upon arriving, she comes to question everything she thought she knew about him, and herself.” The films stars Jesee Plemons, Jessie Buckley, David Thewlis, and Toni Collette. And their acting is great in this, there is no doubt, especially Jesse Buckley, who was fantastic in 2018’s Wild Rose, but I don’t see any of them nominated come Oscar time, especially when the Academy finds films like this hard to swallow as much as I do. I was completely and utterly bored the entire film. I couldn’t get invested in the philosophical dialogue, which made me not get invested with or make me care about any of the characters, which made me feel like I couldn’t care less of what was going on. Anyone that says the movie was too confusing, like Tenet, is just kidding themselves. The movie gives you all the evidence you need to piece together all the strange shit that is happening/going on, in fact, I would say it does too much of it too soon, even during the 20 minute long car ride at the beginning of the film. It reveals its cards so early to the point where I was hoping and praying that where it was going wasn’t going to be the ultimate route the film took, but alas, it did. And anybody saying that a film hasn’t done that cliched and tired ending in that way before are making excuses for why they think the movie is “brilliant.” It’s been done like that before, you just haven’t heard of or seen any of the better films that it has been included in.

I’m Thinking Of Ending Things is just artsy fartsy for the sake of being artsy fartsy. It thinks it is smarter than it is, which to me feels like Charlie Kaufman likes to pat himself on the back too much. I’ll give him these things and these things only to pat himself on the back for: the shots and cinematography in this are gorgeous. That’s it. And sometimes the dialogue gets in the way of the beautiful scenery. It’s like you are watching the sunset at the Grand Canyon while someone is yelling right in your face and trying to sell you something you’ve said no to about a dozen times. It’s annoying, beautiful, frustrating trash. One of the worst films of the year for me. I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel. My wife came in near the end of the film, watched about ten minutes, and guessed what was going on and even said, “this seems weird and pretentious, have fun watching the rest of it.” Yeah, I didn’t have much fun at all. There is no way this movie would’ve made any money at the theater and I bet you a million dollars that Netflix executives watched it and said, “boy, we don’t really get or like this movie but hey, let’s buy it anyway to try and win Oscars, Oscars, Oscars! It’s Charlie Kaufman for Christ’s sake!!!” Yeah well, that’s where you went wrong. This film might be critically acclaimed right now, but come Oscar time, many people will have not even seen this let alone have finished it for it to be remembered for any awards next Spring. By this time next year, I’m thinking that it will be mostly forgotten.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LOVE, GUARANTEED (Netflix)

If and when you start LOVE, GUARANTEED, you will immediately ask yourself, “wait a minute…isn’t that the girl from She’s All That and Josie And The Pussycats? What the heck happened to her?” Well, other than starring in a few cheesy Hallmark channel like holiday romance movies, she’s mostly devoted her life to public service and to taking care of and being in the lives of her two children. I don’t think Rachel Leigh Cook really wanted to be famous, she wanted a steady job, some normalcy, and just wanted a good life for her and her family. You know what I say to that? Good. For. Her. So why is she coming out of the shadows and starring (and producing) in this new cheesy romantic comedy that is #2 on Netflix’s top ten list? The paycheck? Who cares really? She was adorable in those two other films she is primarily known for, and she ends up still being just as adorable here, not missing a step since stealing our and Freddie Prinze Jr.’s hearts in 1999. Normally, it seems like I am a big grouch when it comes to “Netflix Originals.” I only like maybe 1 out of every 10 of them that are released, and it would seem I am certainly not too kind to each and every romantic comedy that peeks its head in almost every other week (aka Work It, Feel The Beat, The Kissing Booth movies). But the difference between Love, Guaranteed and those films is that they try and be something they are not (they scream and proclaim from the mountain tops, “oh no, we aren’t schlocky love stories at all, we are completely original!) and in the end seem like they made their target audience look like idiots for even starting the movie in their queues. Love, Guaranteed is indeed another schmaltzy love schlock story we are used to getting from the mass producing streaming, but this movie seems to know that it is, and embraces it (if you don’t end up getting that notion, wait for the final shot, which basically screa, “DO YOU GET IT?!” right in your face). Combine that with Rachel Leigh Cook’s adorableness, this ends up getting a rare recommendation from me.

Per IMDB, it describes Love, Guaranteed with the summary: “To save her small law firm, earnest lawyer Susan (Rachel Leigh Cook) takes a high-paying case from Nick (Damon Wayans, Jr.), a charming new client who wants to sue a dating website that guarantees love. But as the case heats up, so do Susan and Nick’s feelings for each other.” Let’s all face facts, you know how this films ends, it’s a romantic comedy so there is literally no other way for it to. Every little thread is tied up nicely, and the film almost literally has its cake and eats it too. So what about the journey to get to that predictable end? Predictable as well, but the movies screenplay and Cook and Wayans’ chemistry has more than enough cute pep in its step to be able to cross the finish line in tact. The only thing I wish the movie had more of were examples of dates that Damon Wayans Jr. had to go on before he could reach the 1,000 (that’s right, 1,000) clause on the dating website’s terms and conditions to be able to sue the company. But I realize why it didn’t. The movie’s concept clearly toe’s an offensive line with a guy going on a date with 1,000 girls and not being able to find a match with any of them. Women in this movie’s target audience I could see getting a little miffed if it showed that many girls being rejected by one guy because of their weird attitude or quirks. Thankfully, the movie doesn’t have Wayans’ character being a jerk or rude at all during these dates (in fact all the girls say that he was quite the gentleman when Cook does some investigation into his case), hence when I say it only ‘toe’s the line.’ If the film did end up showing more examples of his bad dates, it would’ve crossed that line, with many women saying the film didn’t have an accurate portrayal of women on dates and dating sites.

I would’ve probably end up agreeing with that thought, as when I think about the film’s concept, it might’ve been better if it were reversed, Wayans being the lawyer, and Rachel Leigh Cook being the one that sued the dating site. I have more women friends than men friends and let me tell you, a lot of men are absolutely fucking terrible monsters when it comes to online dating (I was lucky enough not to ever have to go online to meet someone). You don’t know how many horror stories I’ve heard from my women friends the things that men end up doing during these dates. It’s horrible. A couple of dates then ghosting, a couple of dates, then sex, then ghosting…you can only imagine. I doubt men would’ve been offended if it had showed how many bad dates a women went on, because if some of them ended up saying something, they would’ve just looked like hypocritical assholes. With everything I’ve heard, I can tell you that 9 times out of 10, women aren’t the problem when it comes to online dating. The whole film is a commentary on online dating, it has a message that not many people take internet dating seriously, they can always find someone else, so they don’t take any value into the people that they meet online. I feel like the message would’ve hit home more if the roles were reversed. But that would’ve made the film a bit more serious, and serious was not on this movies’ resume. Two women wrote this film, so its hard to argue with its merits, if two guys had, this film might’ve not even been made. A man did direct this which was rather odd, especially cause it is Mark Steven Johnson, who used to direct blockbuster comic book films in the early to mid 2000s such as Ben Affleck’s Daredevil or Nicholas Cage’s Ghost Writer. This film kind of pulls at the collar of his career now doesn’t it? The two women screenwriters still though could’ve written it as a role reversal, and I hope that one day someone actually does and makes a film a bit more serious and thought provoking, but for Love, Guaranteed being what it is, it works well enough to coast by in an afternoon of anyone’s leisure. I can’t guarantee you will enjoy this film, but I do have an inkling, being that it made Netflix’s top ten list for a couple of days..which I can guarantee you is no easy feat, being that there is so much other shit on the streaming platform for people to gobble up.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ALL TOGETHER NOW (Netflix)

ALL TOGETHER NOW has a very generic first half but the move is saved with its emotional 2nd half and a strong performance by Disney’s Moana…err, I mean Auli’i Cravahlo. And when I say a generic first half, I mean generic. Per IMDB’s log line of the film: “An optimistic high schooler with musical aspirations must learn to accept help from her friends to overcome her personal hardships and fulfill her dreams.” I mean…in the words of Chandler Bing…could that description BE any more generic? Let’s try Wikpedia’s description…shit, it doesn’t have one…well what about Rotten Tomatoes?: “An optimistic, talented teen clings to a huge secret: She’s homeless and living on a bus. When tragedy strikes, can she learn to accept a helping hand?” There we go, a little better. IMDB’s log line and All Together Now’s generic poster of Moana and her friends together and laughing in the back of a van is very misleading. Those friends, other than the male love interest, are hardly even in the film. To go a bit further with the description of the film, she’s homeless with her mother and she’s lives in a bus because that is the mother’s job, a school bus driver, and they come back late at night when no one is at the lot and fall asleep in the seats. There are plenty of things that the movie gets wrong in the first half. It’s all very cliched dialogue of how Moana is a good person, doesn’t ever accept help and can hide her secret by distracting people from conversations; of course her mom wants them to move back in with her drunk and abusive boyfriend, and you know the scene where they are supposed to get caught sleeping on the bus to advance the plot further? Nope, not there. Apparently it just happens to the mom off screen and she just tells her daughter they can’t stay there anymore because she was caught and fired. There are also several narratives of a school talent show that Moana was organizing to get the school band a new tuba and then her cliched relationship with a stubborn old white lady (played at least to perfection by the great Carol Brunett) in a retirement home that seemed like it is going through the standard cliched motions. But then the movie sucker punches you, hard. Very hard. Something happens that you don’t see coming.

And I’m not going to reveal it here. You’ll will know what I mean if you decide to take a chance on it. After that low blow punch in the feels, the movie completely pivots, and even though is still a tad predictable where it ends up going, there were still some surprises in store I didn’t see coming, the narrative earns your emotions, and the dialogue and acting from others start to match Moana’s and bring everything together to a solid close. Part of the movie reveals that Moana is a really talented musician (no shit?), and even though she is poor, she gets invited to audition for a top tier music college and she has to fly to Philadelphia for it. And while I guessed correctly some of the threads that were going to end up happening with that trip, I made a grand prediction what would happen to the climax with it, and I was dead wrong. I’m glad the narrative proved to me that I was going a bit too fast with it. All in all, this is actually a half way decent one time watch from Netflix, and if the plot and narrative don’t end up winning you over, Auli’i Cravahlo’s performance definitely will. She is more than just a voice actress, and I’m glad she has proven herself. Looking forward to more (and hopefully better) live action projects in the future. Speaking of performances, Fred Armisen has a bit part in this as one of Moana’s teachers. It is the most straight laced I’ve ever seen in a performance from him, as he’s a weird human being in general. However…some of that weirdness still seeped through and I wish they had cast someone else in that small role. This movie happens to be based off a novel (and he co-wrote this screenplay) by Matthew Quick, who also wrote the novel which was turned into a masterful movie called Silver Linings Playbook. The novel also has a better title than this movie, “Sorta Like A Rock Star,” which makes more sense in the long run the further the movie chugs along. Silver Linings Playbook this is not, but I guess the silver lining to that is maybe it just didn’t need to be. It’s fine on its own.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LOST HUSBAND

Good…God…what the actual fucking fuck am I watching? Okay, so we all know that Netflix does their top ten streaming offerings per day right? The only reason why I knew that this new straight to streaming movie, THE LOST HUSBAND, even fucking existed is because of that list, which this film has it has been all over the place the past couple of weeks, #3 yesterday when I actually had the gall to press play. What is wrong with you people? Seeing what has been on there ever since that list came to pass, I now know that at least 50 to 75% of those picks are bullshit. I mean, for fuck’s sake, this was fucking awful. So so so so so slow and boring and if my 3 year old son suddenly asked me if he could deck me to put me out of my misery from watching any more of it, I would’ve gladly let his little fist knock me the fuck out. The only reason, I repeat, the ONLY reason I am not putting this in my top ten worst films list, is because the little 1% of my brain that isn’t mad at me for giving this film a try is making me realize this film isn’t for me. I’m not the target audience. Then who is? People that love those Lifetime movie schmaltzy lovey-dovey bullshit. And the fact that all involved could act, including leads Leslie Bibb, Nora Dunn, and Josh Duhamel. But lord, this has every cliche in the book. There is even a scene of a main character hearing gossip outside of the bathroom stall that she’s in to some bitches that just treated her nice 5 minutes earlier. HOW MANY TIMES HAS THAT BEEN DONE BEFORE?!?!?

Per IMDB, it describes The Lost Husband as such: “Trying to put her life back together after the death of her husband, Libby (Leslie Bibb) and her children move to her estranged Aunt’s (Nora Dunn) goat farm in central Texas.” Not only does the movie throw into the ring the cliche of Libby finding out some secrets about her family, but do you or do you not think she’s going to end up with the sexy ranch hand that up keeps the farm, played by Josh Duhamel? And do you think this ranch hand has some sappy and sad baggage of his own? Spoiler alert: does a goat shit on a farm? This movie seems to be so dramatic, lifetime-y, and sob-festy, that I can’t decide if it’s sincere or if it’s treating its target audience as if they were idiots? Everything about it is just lazy screenplay writing 101. The kids adjust to new life on the farm, but of course not at school, where of course they get cliched bullied, of which their new school has a no physical altercation policy, “only use your words,” but if you use a bad word then you are fucked anyway. The writer/director Vicky Wright hasn’t done much else in her career, so suffice to say not much thought was put into this story or project is a no brainer. It seemed like Josh Duhamel’s character’s baggage might actually be pretty hefty, something to make me sit up and pay attention, but when I hit the pause button, and found out there was only 18 minutes of the film left, I knew that it would be solved in his mind off screen and everything would be okay in the end without much or if any explanation. Was I right? Spoiler alert: does a cow shit on a farm?

There is even A GOD DAMN SEANCE IN THIS MOVIE. I SHIT YOU NOT. At least the seance didn’t step into “jump the shark” territory, like the woman having a vision of her dead husband’s ghost, but it was a scene that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Just forced characterization, such as of course the young woman at the feed store that is close with Libby’s aunt happens to read palm lines and perform seances. OF COURSE SHE DOES! At least all the actors seemed like they wanted to be there and weren’t just reading their lines for a paycheck, I’ve got to at least give them that credit. But like, did Leslie Bibb show her partner Sam Rockwell this screenplay and did he approve? Or was she just so desperate for work that she’ll say yes to about anything nowadays. Leslie Bibb, you are better than this movie. Remember how you stole all of your scenes in Talladega Nights? What happened to that Leslie Bibb? Josh Duhamel, come on, what are you doing man? You were great as the dad in Love, Simon. You are better than this. If any of you that read my reviews watches this and likes it, do me a favor and just stop watching movies. Because you have SHIT taste. Oh my God am I glad theaters are finally starting to open up and show new shit. I am about to be done trying to scour all the streaming sites looking for anything, no matter how great or how shitty, to review. I’m lost in what good can be found in this giant pile of shit. I’m so tired of these shitty direct to streaming streamers. I’m just tired and I’m just lost in general. Hopefully this weekend, with Inception’s re release and Unhinged, my mind can be found again.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: STRAIGHT UP

Fans of Gilmore Girls will love this new find that I just recently found on Netflix (& you can rent on demand if you don’t have Netflix) called STRAIGHT UP. Not only because the main girl protagonist’s name is Rory and she and the male protagonist both happen to mention they love the show Gilmore Girls but because this film shares one very big identifying trait that was present in that series: rapid fire witty dialogue. Which is probably why it mentioned the television show, so that we critics think that it is more of an homage and not a straight up rip off. And it does come off as an homage, mainly because the rest of the story goes well right along with it. It’s definitely a dialogue rom-com, so if you are looking for any…ZANY physical comedy situation to arise somewhere in this film, look elsewhere. This movie is shot like a Wes Anderson film, symmetrical stable shots with no dollies or any complicated shots, and the story is told mainly through the dialogue and the fantastic acting by both leads, Kate Findlay and James Sweeney, the latter who both wrote and directed this film. That’s also part of why this movie felt realistic, because he had his hand in literally all of the production. This is one of those streaming films that you can put on in the background and still follow the story even if you aren’t looking at the screen, but I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that you’d miss some great facial expression reactions in doing so.

Per IMDB, Straight Up is described as follows: “Todd and Rory are intellectual soul mates. He might be gay. She might not care. A romantic-comedy drama with a twist; a love story without the thrill of copulation.” While the movie doesn’t have a clear cut ending, as it leaves a couple of tiny threads ambiguous, it doesn’t matter as the narrative ends exactly when it needs to. The dialogue in this grabs you from minute one and doesn’t let up until the end credits. Yes, I love action movies, but I also love when a movie breathes a little with a lot of talking as long as it doesn’t feel forced or unrealistic. The rapid fire exchanges between everyone feel realistic here, and a lot of one liners will make you laugh your ass off. The two more recognizable faces in this are Randall Park and Betsy Brandt as Todd’s parents, and their 5 to 10 minutes of screen time is some of the most chuckle worthy yet emotional in the film. I found Todd’s reasoning for not wanting to be with men, because of bodily fluids, especially poop, to be realistically hilarious yet kind of sad at the same time, and I found Kate’s reasoning for not really needing sex but an intellectual male partner on the same level and realistic as Todd’s OCD. I just really liked the story and the dialogue. I’ll be straight with you: this isn’t a masterpiece by far, but it is a solid, solid one time watch, specially if you are a dialogue fan like me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PROJECT POWER (Netflix)

PROJECT POWER is only a half realized film and it feels as though it was rushed out to market too fast, when the “completed” story and script felt like it was still in its developmental stages at best. It is a 1 hr and 50 minute movie, where 10 minutes consist of just the end credits, the 1st hour feels like the first act of a movie with no 2nd act, and the last 40 minutes is just a very ho-hum by the book auto pilot climax. And was is so disappointing is the fact that it has a pretty neat premise that wastes a lot of its potential. Per IMDB: “When a pill that gives its users unpredictable superpowers for five minutes hits the streets of New Orleans, a teenage dealer and a local cop must team up with an ex-soldier to take down the group responsible for its creation.” The possibilities are endless in that description. What the description doesn’t tell you is that the premise doesn’t challenge its audience with any deeper way of thinking. What would be the real ramifications if such a pill existed? Instead, it is a very generic story about a father taking down the people that kidnapped his daughter, a cop that uses the pills even though he wants to take down the group responsible for it, and a kid that is a dealer of the pills because she needs the money for her and her poor mother. Everything is spoon fed to you, the viewer. There are no sit down conversations on the ethics of the pill, or any dialogue about the ethics of a good cop using it but still trying to do the right thing, nothing. It’s a one time watch action movie with some neat special effects and solid performances by the three leads. Nothing more, nothing less. If this were a school project, it would barely get a passing grade from most teachers. In my world those teachers would be casual movie goers. Me? With my obsession and knowledge of film I would be more of a college professor in this instance, and I would maybe…MAYBE give them another chance at a do over, but I certainly wouldn’t let them hand in what they already have.

The main problem with the movie is that the first hour feels like act one of a movie, then they completely skip the second act and go straight to the third. The movie isn’t terribly hastily edited like 2016’s Suicide Squad was, however they share one thing in common: there are too many introductory scenes. All set ups, and absolutely no gradual pay offs. There is no second act, there is no turn. It’s like when a teacher at school is giving the class a ‘following instructions’ lesson where they present the students a maze and tell them to “draw a straight line from the beginning to the end of the maze.” Those that don’t follow those directions try to solve the unsolvable maze instead of just doing what the teacher told them. She didn’t say solve the maze. She said ‘draw a straight line.’ The 2nd act of any movie would be solving the maze to get to the climax. This movie is just one of those ‘following instructions’ lesson. There are scenes 40 to 60 minutes into this movie that feel like they should’ve belonged in the first 15 minutes. Each of the three leads, played by Jamie Foxx, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Dominique Fishback get their own introductions, and then we they meet up one by one, they get yet another set up scene. For example, Fishback’s character, in her introductory scene, let’s us know that she is an aspiring rapper, and she’s really good. But when she finally meets Jamie Foxx’s character, she tells him and does what we already know she can do, because we saw it ten minutes earlier. When she raps to him, THAT should’ve been the reveal that she was a good rapper. THAT should’ve been a pay off to a previously established intro. But her introductory scene involves a teacher getting onto her for failing his class in front of her classmates and then proceeds to tell her he will give her a C if she can prove she’s a good rapper right then and there. So she raps, and you think she’s successful, but then it’s reveal it was all in her head. The movie should’ve cut out imagination sequence out and saved that reveal for when she meets Foxx mid film.

And while the other introductory scenes (other than that one I just described, they are mostly action packed introductory scenes) are well acted, look good special effects wise, and fun (because we get to see what different superpowers all these people get for five minutes), it’s not anything we haven’t seen before, specifically from the X-Men franchise. Plus, the action scenes in (most of) those films had twist or turns mid scene. None of the action scenes in this challenge the audience or the characters. Sure, a lot of them set their watches to 5 minutes, but instead of the script throwing the characters a curve ball in the last couple of seconds of having superpowers, all of the characters seem to be smart and just shrug off the fact that their time is up after their watch beeps at them. Also, this movie is kind of supposed to be a detective story, yet instead of the characters doing any detective work to find this organization responsible for these pills, they are handed everything on a silver platter. They just “run into” what they need to take them into the next scene, which is forced plot progression. None of this film is complicated, it is 100% predictable. Will Jamie Foxx find his kidnapped daughter? Will the three leads survive the film? Near mid film, when everything still felt introductory, Foxx reveals that he took the pill before and it almost killed him…so do you think he takes another pill by the climax? I’ll give you a hint, all three answers to those three questions are all obvious, and they are all the same answer. And the movie doesn’t even really have a central interesting villain. 300’s Rodrigo Santoro is set up as one, and without really revealing much, he is disappointingly not in the movie that long, even less screen time than he got in the third season of Westworld. His character is completely uninteresting until he takes one of the pills, and even then that is short lived and anti-climatic. Other than his character, there are two women characters that are supposed to be these distribution type government drug “bad guy” bosses, but they are barely in the film to even matter.

So let me ask you this: how do you expect to be a superpower/superhero like movie without a central supervillain? Answer: YOU CAN’T. That’s why this movie ultimately falls flat on its face several times throughout: there is no interesting threat, you feel like the protagonists will end up saving the day with only a brush off their shoulder to get rid of the minor debris. Even though there is no threat, Jamie Foxx, Joseph-Gordon Levitt, and Dominique Fishback all do a fantastic job acting to make you think like maybe there actually is one. Before going into this, I thought the direction was going to be the problem. Project Power is directed by Henry Joose and Ariel Schulman, the duo behind movies like the barely watchable Nerve and Paranormal Activity 3, and the unwatchable 4th movie in that franchise. The only decent film they have done is 2010’s Catfish, which as you know, coined that now famous phrase and sparked the television show of the same name. No, this isn’t their fault, as this is probably their best shot film, with some cool sequences such as Jamie Foxx fighting people around a tank, Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s introductory scenes, and certain parts of the climax. The problem is ALL script, written by a man named Mattson Tomlin who not only doesn’t have much writing experience but who…oh God no…who is also writing The Batman movie that stars Robert Pattinson. At least Project Power isn’t as bad as it could’ve been, it just isn’t a fully formed idea. And at least he’s not the sole writer of The Batman, but is co-writing it with director Matt Reeves, who is a more experienced filmmaker. With a solid resume, Mr. Reeves could help Mr. Tomlin fully form a fantastic idea and premise. So I’m not too worried. As for this film though, it’s just a mindless and unmemorable one time watch Netflix action-er that will be lost in the pile in the coming years. This project produced enough decent sparks to get going, but in the end had as much power as a typical assembly line machine, doing the same thing over and over again, nothing different, and with little effort.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BANANA SPLIT

BANANA SPLIT just happened to be a random find while cruising Netflix. When looking it up, it was certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, the premise sounded interesting, and it was released back in March of 2020 (even though it was made two years ago and played at film festivals for a bit until then), so here I am, able to review it. And I’m glad I did, because this was actually a decent little teen comedy that didn’t treat the audience as if they were morons. Witty, fun, yet crude dialogue that made our two protagonist characters hilariously funny. Combined with their undeniable chemistry ended up making this film a breeze of a watch, especially that it is also only an hour and 28 minutes long. It doesn’t drag once whatsoever. It’s one of those R rated coming of age tales that in no way shape or form would’ve made any kind of money whatsoever in theaters, due to the fact that while the two leads have been in a bunch of stuff your teen children could recite off the top of their heads, I only knew them from things when I looked up their names on IMDB. Streaming is the perfect platform for this movie. And it thankfully isn’t a Netflix original film, I looked it up and found that you could rent or buy cheap on other VOD apps like VUDU or FandangoNow for anyone interested that doesn’t pay for the big subscription streaming platform. Speaking of IMDB, it describes Banana Split as such: “Over the course of a summer, two teenage girls develop the perfect kindred spirit friendship, with one big problem: one of them is dating the other’s ex.” The reason why I probably enjoyed this film the most is that the two leads reminded me of two good friends of mine that act the same way toward each other, although neither of them has dated the same guy…thank Christ for that.

Halfway through the film, I started thinking to myself, “man, some of this dialogue is so crude and rude there is no way that a woman wrote this.” If the reveal had been a guy I probably wouldn’t have liked it as much. How am I supposed to know if what was said and made me laugh was authentic from a woman’s perspective? Well, it is authentic, as I was surprised to find out that the co-writer of this screenplay was the film’s main star Hannah Marks. She co-wrote it with her frequent collaborator Joey Power, which makes me want to check out their 2018 indie After Everything, which has similarly gotten good reviews. Her and Liana Liberato are fantastic here. Their friendship based off rules of not talking about the latter’s current boyfriend and the former’s ex felt genuine and realistic. Granted, it does go into some predictable territory by the film’s end, such as the audience knows the leads are eventually going bring up their feelings of jealousy and get mad at one another, but to give the film’s credit, it doesn’t wrap up everything in a nice and neat bow. There are a couple of threads left dangling, and the film does that on purpose, as the story is just about the resolution of these two’s relationship and their relationship alone. We have a couple of side B plots involving the boyfriend, played to the best of his stone face ability by not Jughead Dylan Sprouse, and his red headed best friend, and while a couple of things happen that are interesting, the movie knows it doesn’t need to focus on them as much as other teen comedies would have. Focusing on them too much would’ve bogged down the narrative.

The movie isn’t revolutionary in terms of the teen comedy or the crude sexual content comedy, it’s just a fun little flick that mostly works because of the fast, witty dialogue and the chemistry between the two leads. It was quite refreshing to not have a teen comedy go directly into the toilet within the first five minutes of the film, it had a natural progression that set things up as need be, and then the pay offs, although some of the predictable, didn’t try to do anything too outlandish. Hannah Marks should keep on keepin’ on writing. and unlike Ben Affleck, she’s a pretty good actress where I’d say she could star in her own stuff and it not seem like too much at one time. I’m really curious as to if maybe these two girls are actually really good friends in real life, but I don’t have the energy to do that much research on such a little film. Judging by their Instagram’s, I don’t think they are, which they could’ve fooled me as all their interactions in the film feel very realistic. I really don’t have any complaints about this film. It is a decent couple of times watch teen comedy that got quite a few laugh out loud moments from me. A movie like this isn’t meant to be studied or held up on a pedestal, it isn’t supposed to make you think or be nominated for any awards, it is just meant for escape and to have fun with it, something different than the bullshit movies on Netflix like Feel The Beat or Work It. Something worth your time and you can pay 100% attention to and not have your mind split over other activities on your phone or computer. It was a nice little indie treat.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: WORK IT (Netflix)

Holy shit…if I was really that lazy I would just go back and copy my review of Feel The Beat, paste it on here, change the names and move a couple of things around a bit and BOOM!…you have my review of Netflix’s new and yet…**groan**…another dance competition movie…WORK IT. Starring a former Disney star/singer/actress that is too good for this shitty material. I mean…really Netflix? Feel The Beat was less than two months ago, and you are going to put out yet another dance competition movie in so short a time that it is literally comparing rotten apples to rotten apples? You could’ve held this thing till January and still had some of your pride intact. But no, because of coronavirus, you are running out of shit to put on the streaming service, so here we are. “But Zach, Feel The Beat was more like a family friendly version of Bad News Bears meets a competition movie where as Work It is more of a high school Pitch Perfect homage.” Um…no, they are the same film, they both have almost the exact same plot beats (they even fucking advance from the first round due to technicalities, this film actually uses that word for fuck’s sake!), they have the exact same formula, and since there is little to distinguish one sack of crap from the other…it is called a RIP OFF. Work It is a rip off. It is almost the exact same film Pitch Perfect is, but dancing instead of acapella. Is there a love interest for our protagonist? Absolutely. Is there a dumb bad acting asshole villain from a rival dance team? Does a bear shit in the woods?

The director of Work It is the same director as…NOTHING! That’s right, Netflix couldn’t even hire an good experienced choreographer where it would’ve given them a nice shot and pushed their limits a little working on something like this. Nope, they went for the safe and easy cheap option and hired someone with little to no experience with the subject matter. And the screenplay writer has only written one other screenplay…the critically and commercially slammed Ugly Dolls of last year. And now we get to Work It, which IMDB lamely describes as: “When Quinn Ackerman’s admission to the college of her dreams depends on her performance at a dance competition, she forms a ragtag group of dancers to take on the best squad in school…now she just needs to learn how to dance.” **YAWN**. Let’s look at IMDB’s description of Pitch Perfect, shall we? “Beca, a freshman at Barden University, is cajoled into joining The Bellas, her school’s all-girls singing group. Injecting some much needed energy into their repertoire, The Bellas take on their male rivals in a campus competition.” It’s. The. Same. Movie. Look, this movie is so mediocre I was guessing what would happen ten minutes before it happened and every time it ended up proving me correct on screen, my wife, who was watching the film with me, kept giving me the finger. On about the 4th or 5th time my wife gave me the same hand gesture for “fuck you, I hate it when you are right,” I said, “look sweetie, you’ve been with me for 11 years, I’ve taught you all about this Screenplay 101 laziness bullshit…don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

Now let’s get to you Sabrina Carpenter. I’m going to talk directly to you except that I know you are never going to read this because you don’t take common folk like me seriously. So I’m just talking to myself. But alas, I have to say…YOU ARE TOO GOOD OF AN ACTRESS TO BE ACCEPTING SHITTY ROLES SUCH AS THIS JUST TO PROMOTE SEVERAL OF YOUR ORIGINAL SONGS FOR YOUR SINGING CAREER. You were easily the best part of this movie. I know you can dance in real life and the way you pulled off having to act like you didn’t know how, was quite believable. Look, you were good in The Hate U Give as the friend/bigot villain and right when Girl Meets World premiered, everybody watching the pilot episode with me said you were too good in it to actually be on that show. Fire your agent, and get someone that is going to take your talents a little more seriously. You are the only reason why I made it to the end of this film. That and some of the dancing was fun to watch. But the mediocre cliched love story, the cliched plot beats, the cliched dialogue, the really bad predictability bogged down the movie too much for me to have even pressed ‘Play’ in the first place. I don’t know why I did, maybe because I had nothing better to do? Fuck you coronavirus. At least it looked like you had fun making this movie Sabrina, everybody else knew what they were in and looked like they wanted to dance themselves to death. Netflix, stop producing or financing this kind of rip off content. You are better than this. You need to work it to keep our subscriptions.