Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE SILENCE (Netflix)

And I didn’t think a horror film that came out this year could be worse than the remake of Pet Sematary. Or a film worse than The Last Laugh. Dumb. Mean. Stupid. Idiotic. Laughable. Atrocious. Absurd. Rip-Off. Any negative word in the negative context to give Netflix’s new film The Silence, give it to it. This movie is a waste of space, a waste of 90 minutes of my life, but I’m writing this review so that maybe hopefully you can save yours. This movie literally gives the finger to John Krasinski and is not only a blatant rip off of A Quiet Place, but gives the audience a giant middle finger with every single stupid horror trope you can find in it. Does it have human bad guys? Of course! Just like the giant pitiful fucking mess that was Bird Box. There are too kinds of horror that make you not ever want to watch a horror film again. 1. Horror is where the movie is so dark, depressing, shocking, but so incredibly well made and great, that you want to watch it again, but can’t bring yourself to do it (example: Hereditary). 2. Horror where the film is so bad that you wish you could cut out the part of your brain that remembers that film to never remember it again. Guess what category this falls into?

I can give you the plot is one short sentence: Flying creatures that can only hear crop up from an ancient cave that was once blocked (but we like the dumb humans we are accidentally release them) and we journey with one family as they try and find a place to truly survive. Doesn’t that sound like A Quiet Place to you? Minus that the creatures can fly? It basically is, but it is just dumber. Dumber on every narrative possibility you can think of. And yes, the family even has a deaf girl in it. But instead of the girl being deaf in real life and pulling off a fantastic performance, the girl in this is played by the new Sabrina Spellman herself, Kiernan Shipka. And being that the mom in this (Miranda Otto) plays her aunt on that show, I’m wondering if their studio lots were right across the street from each other. Instead of getting a great performance out of Kiernan actually portraying a deaf girl, the movie conveniently says that she wasn’t always deaf, and can speak without any speech impediment whatsoever. What I’m trying to say is, there is no difference between her performance as Sabrina Spellman, and whatever the fuck her characters called in this (I don’t want to make the effort on IMDB to look it up).

This also stars Stanley Tucci, where again, this completely scream paycheck, as he completely phones it in and doesn’t give a shit like he’s there. Who in their right fucking mind possibly green lit this shit and spent money on it. I want to meet the screenwriters. Are they going to lie and tell me that their idea came before A Quiet Place and they couldn’t get it made until it came out? Or did they get high after watching it and had the selfish idea to just make a duller, stupider carbon copy. Nevermind, I just went to IMDB to find out who to blame. It was written by Carey Van Dyke and Shane Van Dyke and I should’ve known. All of their written shit has gone straight to video, they are responsible for the awful Chernobyl Diaries and even wrote….Titanic 2? What the fuck?!? As for the director, I should’ve known, John R. Leonetti….he director the worst Conjuring Universe Film, Annabelle.

I can go on and on about what I hate about this film. But you get the gist. It’s ugly, it’s uninspired, it is the definition of a bad movie. Not a so bad it’s good. Just a bad bad fucking waste of space. The film doesn’t have any set ups, doesn’t have any pay offs, and it is all over the place. In fact, with only 30 minutes left in the movie, it seems like they ran out of story, so they of course put in weird human bad guys from a Church group that cut off their tongues and wants the daughter because she is fertile. Just so fucking ridiculously stupid and unnecessary. If you are going to rip something off, at least have some act of imagination. This film seems like it was written in a weekend filled with self-induced concussions. The Silence needs to be silenced, taken off Netflix and every digital copy destroyed. This is a major contender for worst film of 2019.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (no spoilers, and yes it is a Conjuring Universe film)

So they say that in early marketing of THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA that studio heads were trying to present it as a film on its own and not a part of The Conjuring Universe and that they wanted to save the reveal in the film that it actually is one a surprise. But then fans started to question whether this film was or not, especially when the poster released and it said “From The Producers OF The Conjuring Universe” and then a trailer came out that included a character that looked strikingly familiar and played by the same actor that showed up in the first Annabelle film. That was several months ago. When their goose was cooked, I don’t understand how they didn’t just go full monty on the marketing and let people know that yes, this is a part of The Conjuring Universe. They still tried to sell it as vague and they probably just missed out on a whole bunch of money, because on its own, this film is a dull mess, but within The Conjuring Universe…wait, well, yeah it is still a dull mess.

At least it isn’t as bad as The Nun or the first Annabelle film. This films problem is the screenplay and the non-stop cookie cutter cheap jump scares with absolutely no substance. If the film would’ve had some substance, it could’ve ranked high on my The C.U.F. list (that’s what I’m calling it instead of typing out everything for the umpteenth time). And the frustrating fact of this film is that it uses a good real premise, a real Mexican folklore, and has the opportunity to expand on that myth and spin it into a pretty sturdy C.U.F., but other than the mention of the actual lore and a couple of ways to keep evil demons and spirits away from your home, it doesn’t expand on shit. It’s as if the producers said, “ok, you got this great premise, get the story out of the way in the first 30 minutes and then just hit the audience with jump scare after jump scare until the end credits. That’ll make a great movie!” Well, it doesn’t.

And I think the director, Michael Chaves (who is going to direct The Conjuring 3), knew this, and at least tried to spice up the film with his own cinematic flavors. The movie contains really, really good camera work. Excellent style. Excellent long take shots. The film looks good. I guarantee you Chaves was looking at the screenplay, muttering “oh shit” into his head, and at least tried to figure out a way salvage what he could out of the dull story, dialogue and jump scares. It is saying something when I really don’t like a film but believe that the director would be better suited with a meatier screenplay, that’s why I think The Conjuring 3 will be in good hands, because that will not have the same screenwriters as this. While the Mexican folklore this film is based on is creepy and scary, the spirit/demon/entity haunting families and drowning kids in this looks silly, not scary, and not once was I scared or did any of the cheap jump scares actually made me jump. In the entire 3rd act of the film, instead of doing something different, we just get a home invasion type spirit, spooky spooky schlock we’ve seen 1,000 times before.

There is another positive of this movie, and that goes to actress Linda Cardellini (Velma from the live action Scooby Doo films from years past). Although her character is essentially another one dimensional mother that eventually believes her kids and that something supernatural is happening to their family, she makes what she can out of it. Her tears, frightened expression, and her trying to save shitty dialogue is what elevates this film from the mediocrity or shitty-ness of The Nun and Annabelle. Her kids were pretty good too. The person that doesn’t do a great job acting wise is Raymond Cruz, who plays an ex-priest in this. I don’t buy any of his fear or what he is saying in this, seems to be in it for the paycheck, which is a shame because you may know him for his excellent portrayal of Tuco Salamanca in Breaking Bad and a guest appearance on Better Call Saul.

Like I said before, this film isn’t terrible, it’s just dull and uninspiring. It has no substance, just telling you the Mexican folklore and quickly getting it out of the way so the movie can satisfy dumb ass millennials that buy into the whole cheap jump scare bait shit. It is unfortunately what sells. I’m curious to see how much bank this film makes when people living under a rock for some reason figure out they need to go see it because they’ve seen all of The C.U.F. and need to check it off their list. Anyway, you have this. But don’t fret, there is another C.U.F. before The Conjuring 3 next year: Annabelle Comes Home. And if they can somehow make it better than the far superior sequel to the first, Annabelle: Creation, then we are in for a huge treat, maybe. I mean The Warrens are featured in it, how bad could it be…right?

My Opinion Rank of The C.U.F.:

The Conjuring
The Conjuring 2
Annabelle: Creation
The Curse of La Llorona
The Nun
Annabelle

Zach’s Zany TV Binge Reviews: THE TWILIGHT ZONE (2019) Part 2 of 5: REPLAY and A TRAVELER

So a couple of weeks ago I said I was going to write reviews on two of the new Twilight Zone episodes at a time, seeing as I am a big fan. Well, the 4th episode dropped today and I watched it during lunch so here is part 2 of 5 (there are ten episodes). Another quick note on Jordan Peele’s intro/narrations. He is still fantastic and his intros are a nice warm welcome to the tales that are about to be thrown at us. While no one will ever reach the heights of Rod Serling, if they ever do a reboot again in another 20 to 30 years, no one will ever beat him…or Jordan Peele. Anyway, you are about to enter, The Zach Zany Zone….

REPLAY

I’ll give you a spoiler on the next episode with my review on this: the Twilight Zone is starting to get really, really good, as these two are easily the best episodes of the season thus far, this one just edging out A Traveler. REPLAY is about a woman taking her son to college that run into this asshole racist cop alone the way. There is a scuffle and the mother accidentally hits the rewind button on her old ass camcorder she happened to bring along to film her son going to college. When she hits the rewind button, she ends up going back in time at the diner that her and her son were eating at at the beginning of the episode, along with the asshole racist cop (this one contains Jordan Peele’s best intro narration, chilling, my only complaint of this episode is that its just his narration at the end and not his physical self, but that could be due to film scheduling conflicts).

The thing is though every different decision she makes after the first rewind, her and her son still find themselves running into the asshole racist cop, and she desperately tries to find a way to avoid him and get her son to college in one piece. This episode is excellent, and out of all the Twilight Zone episodes I’ve seen, this one is a pitch perfect emotional roller coaster ride. As you know Twilight Zone episodes mostly have twists at the end, and I was trying to guess this one, but instead I should’ve just stopped thinking and enjoyed the journey. I won’t say whether this episode has a twist or not, and there were several that I was thinking of that didn’t happen, but I’m very happy with the ending and route they took, it’s an almost perfect story. Sanaa Lathan stars as the mother, and she’s been in a bunch of things I have seen, Love & Basketball, Alien Vs. Predator, etc. This is easily her best performance. And as with all the other episodes, I’m loving the cinematography in these. Even if the episodes start to get worse after these two, at least it is still gorgeous to look at.

Rating: 5/5

A TRAVELER

This segment owes a debt of gratitude for the old classic The Monsters on Maple Street from the original series, but it is more of an homage with a twist. Starring Greg Kinnear and a wonderful performance by The Walking Dead’s Stephen Yeung, A TRAVELER is about a small town police station celebrating Christmas Eve. The Sheriff, played by Kinnear has a annual Christmas party where he pardons one (non huge offensive) inmate as a sign of good will. There is only one inmate this year, a deputy’s (played by Marika Sila) drunkard brother. When The Sheriff tells the deputy to fetch her brother and have him join them for the party, her brother is asleep, and sitting in the next cell, who wasn’t there before, is a man in a suit, first name A, last name Traveler (played by Yeun). He knows things, and what he knows, may get you in the end. That’s all I’ll say. If you have ever seen The Monsters on Maple Street, that may clue you into what is going on.

I figured out what was going on right away since I’ve seen that episode and guessed the ending. It really isn’t that hard and everything is set up at the beginning in a nice bow for predictable pay offs in the end. So normally I’d consider the episode ho-hum, but the atmosphere is just right, the acting is incredible, and everything is so so so gorgeous to look at. What is in a myth? What is in a lie? What is in the truth? When going back and thinking about the episode after it aired I realized there was much more to what I saw. Given the ending, there is a lot of interpretation in what anyone says, even those that have been close to you for a long time. And what is the meaning of acceptance. In the future, this episode might be more respected if viewers would open Pandora’s Box for themes and motifs. I have a feeling that a lot of people won’t like it. I did though, not just for the homages to the classic original series episode, but for new questions it brought to the table.

Rating: 4/5

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE PERFECT DATE & THE LAST LAUGH (both NETFLIX)

I am combining two Netflix movie reviews into one because their isn’t a whole lot to say about each of these movies and I feel like the length of both of these will equal one theatrical review. So here we go (spoiler alert: one review is kind and one review is not kind at all)

THE PERFECT DATE (Netflix)

THE PERFECT DATE just came out on April 12th 2019 on Netflix and completes what is being called the “Noah Centineo Trilogy”. No, this isn’t a real trilogy with the same character, it is three different movies, all on Netflix, that happen to star Noah Centineo. The first one was To All the Boys I’ve Loved before (saw it and really liked it), the second is Sierra Burgess Is a Loser (haven’t seen it, going to now though), and this film completes this so-called ‘trilogy.’ There is one thing that I can positively state: Noah Centineo is one charming ass motherfucker. And that’s why these movies work so well even though they are cliched as fuck as all get out chick flick rom-coms, is his performance. If this guy can charm the pants off a straight dude like me, you know he’s the real deal. If he and Laura Marano weren’t in this, and the chemistry wasn’t there between Centineo’s character and those around him, this movie wouldn’t work.

And the reason why it wouldn’t work is because the set up of the movie isn’t fully fleshed out and leaves a lot to be desired. The movie is about this guy, played by Centineo, who really wants to get into Yale after high school but needs to write a good admission essay and needs the money. After being paid to be on a date with a high school hot shot’s cousin (played by Laura Marano), he and his friend create an app where he will be a “stand-in” on a date. No, he’s not a pimp and none of these dates are sexual, the app is designed for women to choose what kind of personality he is to be, how’s he’s dressed, what kind of function he’s going to go to, for some kind of purpose. Maybe the girl wants her parents to hate the stand-in so that when she reveals her real boyfriend, they’ll accept the guy, or a girl wants to go on a pretend date so that she’s not nervous when she actually starts dating, or the girl just wants someone to talk to.

All of this sounds interesting right? Well, there is basically one montage of him being this stand-in and becoming these people that lasts about maybe 4 to 5 minutes, and that is it. We really don’t see him doing it all that much, instead the movie switches gears fast to get to the journey and endgame of whether or not he gets the money, gets into yale, and gets the girl he has a crush on (Camila Mendes from Riverdale). And I think the main problem is that at just 90 minutes, the movie is too short. If 15 to 20 minutes were added of showing him going on several full fledged stand in dates, mainly for the audience to get invested with the premise, it would’ve been great. They could’ve thrown a girl wanting sex from him at the end of the night or a girl falling in love with him kind of problem and done more with the app. Instead, the app literally has no problems, and the friend gets attention from his app making skills. Too tied up in a complete bow. In this day and age, there is no way a app like that would go smoothly.

But I realize it is a rom-com, and its a Netflix original, and it is predictable as hell, which means that it isn’t going to go that deep, so you have to judge the film on whether it entertained you or not and whether or not it is better than films in that same genre. And in that case, it is. Noah is charming as fuck, the dialogue (at times) feels like high school kids actually talking to one another, and the 90 minutes flies by with how entertaining it is. So as far as Netflix originals go, I’d definitely would recommend that you check this one out, it’s quaint and charming.

THE LAST LAUGH

What isn’t so quaint and charming is this other Netflix original that was released early January, THE LAST LAUGH. Since I guess we are counting Netflix films now in movies seen and top ten or top worsts lists, this now beats Pet Sematary as worst film of the year. I am not going to talk about it too long because that’s how terrible it was. It stars Chevy Chase and Richard Dreyfuss as old friends that meet up when Chase is sent by his granddaughter to live in a retirement home. They are old friends as that Dreyfuss’ characters was a comedian doing stand up acts 50 years ago and Chase was his manager. As they see people they love dying around them, but Dreyfuss’ character as ‘funny’ as ever cracking jokes, Chase takes Dreyfuss out on the road to do a stand-up comedian comeback type of thing. Past things and emotions come up, trouble endues, but you know how it is going to end, it is dull and painfully predictable as well.

I did not laugh once during this film. All the jokes are painfully unfunny and Dreyfuss doesn’t do a great job playing a character that was once a stand up comedian. Chevy Chase is worse here, looking like he doesn’t want to be there, and acting like he wants to go home and kill himself. All the performances in here are painfully dull. Chris Parnell as Dreyfuss’ son and Kate Micucci who plays Chase’s granddaughter are cringe worthy here. Terrible performances. I didn’t buy anything that was going on, especially one part where a older woman, played by Andie McDowell (wasted here) has a small love thing with Chase. They way that Chevy Chase just looks bored there and spits out his lines, there is no way any woman would go within 10 feet of that guy. Chevy Chase had that one great season on SNL, he had the Vacation movies, Fletch, and a couple of good moments on Community, but other than that, his career was a giant misfire. And still is. And he should be old enough to know when to call it quits. I expected more out of Richard Dreyfuss but maybe he’s at that age where he doesn’t care anymore and a paycheck is all he needs to get off his ass. This is one of the worse Netflix Originals since the awful Adam Sandler ones the past couple of years, and that is saying something.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE DIRT (Netflix)

THE DIRT is basically a poor man’s Bohemian Rhapsody that Netflix picked up. It isn’t bad, but it isn’t great either, it is just really generic. It tells the story of Motley Crue, but like any band biopic, it is just another film filled with a roller coaster life of ups and downs, triumphs and tragedies. If you love their music, it is filled with it, although the one thing I have to hand it to this film over Bohemian Rhapsody is that it really doesn’t try to fool the audience into thinking there were certain events that inspired certain songs. Their music really is a backdrop in this to their drug-induced insane life altering lives. They either have parent issues, drug issues, family issues, girl issues, or E. All of the above. It’s all just very generic and standard.

But I would be lying if I didn’t think it was entertaining. I mean it is. It’s only an hour and 47 minutes, and it goes by faster than a really shitty movie goes by when its only an hour and 20 minutes long. But it’s all standard, the band gets together, hits it big, does drugs, manslaughter, falls apart, goes to rehab, family tragedies, gets back together. It’s the point A to point B to point C of all band biopics. There isn’t nothing new to these things anymore. It’s all a roller coaster ride of different, yet similar, experiences that all basically end at some point. I have a feeling that Rocketman, the biopic about Elton John that stars the guy from Kingsman movies, is going to be about the exact same thing. And we already know the ending to that one too, because Elton John is still alive.

The film does do one little nice unique thing (it’s been done before but I haven’t seen it in a bit), some of the band members and others break the fourth wall to talk with the audience. I wanted more of that. When they did it, it was humorous little anecdotes that if they did it more throughout the movie more it maybe would’ve given it a unique voice. There is voice over narration, but it sounds really flat and in there more as an after thought, maybe not thinking the audience would get what is going on. The acting is good though. You might recognize one of the band members being played Iwan Rheon, who played the sinister Ramsay Bolton in Game of Thrones. And Pete Davidson from SNL, is Pete Davidson, but with a hilarious wig and a couple of funny little one liners and his own little breaking fourth wall moment.

I would only recommend this film if you are a huge Motley Crue fan. I knew of their music and some of their history, so I didn’t enter this into the dark, but I’ve never been listening to them constantly, just a couple of jam outs on Rockband and Guitar Hero back in the day. But again, this film is very very very by the books generic and standard. If that’s fine with you, take a look. If you are looking for something more than just another Bohemian Rhapsody or another band biopic retread, you are looking in the wrong direction mate.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE HIGHWAYMEN (Netflix)

You might have noticed I’ve been reviewing Netflix movies a lot lately. Damn straight, I pay for the service don’t I? And I can just watch Friends, The Office, and Parks and Recreation over and over and over again. And I have a lot of To Be Determined on my top movies of the year, and need to fill it out without spending my money at the theater on shitty films like Miss Bala or Dumbo. Anyway, this just came out like last week, and I’ve seen the original Bonnie and Clyde with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway, and was interested to watch what the other side did to *spoiler alert if you aren’t a history person* gun them down in the end. It’s directed by John Lee Hancock, who is hated by my many Austin movie friends on Facebook (they think he is a giant hack). Well, I mean, at least he made it into the business guys. But I agree, he’s a just point and shoot director with no vision. He’s directed only 6 films, and I’ve only really liked two of them. The Founder…and this is #2.

While The Highwaymen is just another point and shoot affair by him, the material is elevated by the screenplay, the acting from both Kevin Costner and Woody Harrelson, and the cinematography. I didn’t live in Texas back then, but I heard the whole thing was shot in Texas, and it feels like it. It captures that essence perfectly. And the ventual take down of Bonnie and Clyde I read was filmed right where they were taken down, which was pretty damn cool. The problem with Bonnie and Clyde, and why they got captured was that they had too much of a pattern, and these two retired Texas Rangers, played by Costner and Harrelson, picked up on it super fast when a lot of other people of authority couldn’t.

This film isn’t the be all end all of Netflix films, mind you, but it is quite good. Harrelson and Costner usually always bring their A game and here is no different. I also loved the way Bonnie and Clyde are represented. They barely show their faces, they are mostly dark silhouettes, monsters without a face, killing innocent people. How the movie with Beatty and Dunaway made them not seem too bad, even though they killed a lot of people, this movie makes them the monsters that they deserved to look like back then. They are a mean, powerful force, making them mythical ghosts that people at that time thought were impossible to kill. That part of the film is quite interesting.

The film has several slow parts (it could’ve been shorter and not 2 hrs and 12 mins long), especially when the movie tries to bring an arc and humanity to Costner and Harrelson’s characters…you know, those obligatory scenes where they talk about their past and how they might’ve been monsters themselves at one point even though they were upholding the law. But that’s okay, because if that was missing from the movie, I, and other critics, would just complain that it was missing that aspect. It could’ve been spruced up a bit. And I would’ve loved to see more of Kathy Bates than her literal two scenes playing first Woman Governor of Texas Ma Ferguson. Best part she’s had in years and she’s in it for less than 10 minutes.

Anyway, it’s a pretty solid Netflix view. Unless you really hate the director, who hails from Texas, then this film will not change your mind about him (you know who you are). But everything other than some slow parts are good, and I love that you could kind of watch this film with the original Beatty Bonnie and Clyde as a double feature to give you some perspective on the whole manhunt from both sides. I’m sure a better screenwriter and better director could’ve made a masterful film, but other than superheroes and sequels, what studio other than Netflix is going to take on a film like this these days?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PADDLETON (Netflix, and not the bear movie, f*** you Kim)

PADDLETON is not Paddington, no matter what Kimberly Finke tells you. Paddleton came out late in February on Netflix, and the only reason I knew to watch it in the first place is because my favorite movie reviewers, Jay and Mike on Red Letter Media/Half In The Bag did a review on it because they found it and really enjoyed it. And I liked it too. Not as much as they did, but I did think it is a well made, and extremely well acted and realistic little movie. It stars Ray Romano and Mark Duplass, and it is about both of them finding out that Duplass’ character has terminal cancer and only six months to live, so they take a little road trip to get this assisted suicide medication that is only legal to get there.

They aren’t lovers but actually real good friends and neighbors, as Romano’s character lives right above Duplass’ in a apartment complex. They play a made up game together, called paddleton, that deals with bouncing a ball off the wall and getting it into a black barrel on the ground. Anyway, Roman’s character is kind of strange, probably has undiagnosed Asberger’s, Duplass’ being a bit more normal. They have weird ‘what if’ conversations, and some of it is funny, and some of it is serious, and it all feels very realistic. The film is co-written by Duplass, who admitted that 87% of the movie was improvised, all the scenes mainly had outlines and the actors just played off each other. While other films, like 2016 Ghostbusters remake, you can completely tell the improve, this feels just like two friends conversing, having a good time.

There isn’t much to say about the film, it’s a tight 90 minutes, and the movie doesn’t have any twists are turns, its very simple. The end is very emotional and a little hard to watch emotionally, but I appreciated how real it all felt. The acting is extremely good, with Ray Romano again being a standout like he was in The Big Sick. I’ve never had a problem with Ray Romano, I never really watched Everybody Loves Raymond, and kind of found him to have lousy sitcom acting, but he definitely knows how to make a character. I hope to see him in even more dramedy’s in the future. Mark Duplass is good as well. But yeah, if you want a little emotional, yet a little funny movie, and have 90 minutes to kill. I would recommend this, definitely above the just reviewed by me and just released by Netflix Unicorn Store.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: UNICORN STORE (Netflix)

Let’s set the record straight here. For those of you that think Brie Larson got this Netflix deal to direct and star in this movie, UNICORN STORE, because of Captain Marvel, you are sorely mistaken. She was offered this after she won her Oscar several years ago for Room, and it actually had its premiere at TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) back in 2017. So it’s been in the can for awhile…and you know how Netflix will pick up stuff even if its the last player on a team to be picked. Unicorn Store relies on its colorful whimsical premise and off beat humor. It relies a lot of suspension of belief and performances to get you through the short 90 minute run time. And I guess the end result is…okay?

I honestly don’t know what to think of this film. I haven’t even really let it sink in due to the fact that I just finished it 20 minutes ago on my phone on my lunch at work. It was a watchable film. It had a plot, it had characters, and it had an overlaying arc. But did it have purpose? I guess you could say its sole purpose was to be another one of those films with the “hit you over the head” message: It’s never too late to discover yourself and you can discover yourself by failing at things as much as you can achieving them. How many movies have had this message? I’d be dead by the time I finished if I started doing research and starting to count. If you need to know the premise, it’s about a woman that has an early life crisis after being kicked out of art school…I guess for being too experimental and zany? Anyway, she finds a temp job really quickly at this PR firm where it doubles as an ad agency…I guess? Why am I asking these questions? When watching this film I guarantee you are going to be constantly asking yourself…”wait, what?” She then gets a card on the stoop of her house (but she misses seeing it) and then she gets a card at her work telling her to come to some store, the store that has everything she needs. It is run by a whimsical and weird Samuel L. Jackson (hence why I think this was film around the exact same time as Marvel). He has a minor afro and colorful strings and glitter in his hair and he offers her what she has wanted her whole life. A unicorn. There are stipulations to get this unicorn, aka build it a stable, be financial stable, etc. And she wants this unicorn, and goes to make her life right to be able to own one…maybe?

Basically its like a weird Garden State vibe kind of whimsical weirdly-toned dramedy. Brie Larson’s character, Kit, hires a guy to build this unicorn stable and they eventually bond, and that’s the best part of the movie, were their scenes together. The man is played by Mamoudou Athie, who was a stand out in the movie Patti Cakes. The only part of Unicorn Store I believed in was their budding friendship and romance. Unfortunately the movie was too short to show more of that, as all of its focus was Kit discovering herself and whether or not she would get a unicorn and whether or not her ad for a vacuum would be picked up by a really creepy #Metoo type weirdo boss. I’ll give it one other thing: Brie Larson is a better actor in this than she was in Captain Marvel. And honestly, that is probably because the character of Captain Marvel was written a little wooden and directed by two people way in over their head that hadn’t directed a big feature before.

Brie Larson directed this. And for the most part it is good. She knows how to direct people. She knows how to direct herself. She knows how to frame a scene (the standout being her pitch to the vacuum ad), the only thing I didn’t like is that some parts of the film had an unnecessary shaky cam like presence that had no point. Thankfully it didn’t do that the whole time. She moves back in with her parents at the beginning of the film, played in small roles by Bradley Whitford and Joan Cusack, but their characters are ones we’ve seen too many times before. Weirdos, with weirdo jobs (they go on hikes with damaged teens/young adults with truth circles), and they invade her space but eventually show that they are actually sane and know a thing or two about life.

I just…like I said, I don’t know what to think of this film. Would I ever watch it again? Probably not. Would I recommend it? Only maybe to people that have a high tolerance for weird ass tales in kin with movies like Garden State (a much better film). Did I feel like I wasted my time? No, I mean, I like Brie Larson as an actress a lot (although she has been foot in mouth recently with her interviews and press tour for Captain Marvel), and I really think if she was given a chance to direct more and better projects she could be a pretty decent director overall. The ultimate problem is: who is this movie really for? Who is it marketed toward? What is this movies audience? The answer is: I have no fucking idea. Maybe that is the reason why Netflix picked it up?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PET SEMATARY (2019)

Sometimes no adaptation at all is better. Sometimes no remakes are better. Sometimes books are better. Well, actually, on that last one, it is most of the time isn’t it? I’m going to warn you now. I have read Pet Sematary, the novel, twice. I have seen the original 1989 movie and the 90s sequel with young John Connor. I’m going to make reference to the giant change that the marketing people decided to spoil in the trailers (they really shouldn’t have) and spoil some things the book has that the movie doesn’t. I WILL NOT SPOIL the absolutely brand new ending that isn’t in any of the previous adaptations. So if you want to go into this blind, don’t watch any of the trailers (the first teaser one should’ve been the only one released). Also, if you want to go into this really blind and maybe enjoy yourself, don’t watch the other two movies or read the book either. And certainly, don’t read this review. However, if any of you ever actually listen and agree with most of my reviews and are going to read my critique anyway, let me give you some advice. Just read the book. The book is a masterpiece on sorrow, grief, tragedy, with elements of the supernatural sprinkled about in it. It’s essentially a drama. It just happens to have horror and supernatural shit in it (kind of like Indiana Jones is mainly adventure film with some relgious and sci-fi undertones). It is one of Stephen King’s best books. This new movie, is a cookie cutter fast food cheap jump scare bullshit hollow entity that doesn’t have any of the substance or subtext the book or hell, even the original movie had, and is the first big disappointment of 2019 and one of the year’s worst films.

I guess if you are a dumb younger millennial and enjoy the stupid ookie-spooky “what’s that sound?” kind of shit, where they just put in a giant, loud, obnoxious music cue to incite you to jump in your chair a quarter of an inch…well, then this movie is right up your alley! I hope not, I hope you are smarter than that. I hope that when a movie adapts something beloved to you that, when you watch said movie, you make sure to look for and find all the instances that made the book great. And I’m not talking about every single little freaking piece of dialogue, or even all the scenes, just what is necessary to take the message, subtext, substance, themes, etc. etc. and translate it to the screen well. And I’ll admit it first, yes, I was about to boycott this movie because the 2nd and final trailer reveal that a certain characters demise in this is actually switched with another character, and I personally felt that would take out all the grief and sorrow themes the book handled so damn well. Well…that twist…is the least of the movie’s fucking problems.

And the switcheroo have ultimately been a problem if it had been done well. The movie is only 100 minutes (including credits) and there just wasn’t enough time to establish or set up characters and relationships, and when the tragedy strikes, there are no payoffs filled with grief, sorrow, or tragedy. I have said it time and again: set ups must have payoffs. If the set ups aren’t done correctly, your payoffs aren’t going to work either. The movie rush, rush, rushes everything just to get to that next cheap jump scare to make dumb people that fall for that crap feel like they spent their box office dollars well. It doesn’t work on someone like me that has grown up from that cheap horror crap and wants a frightening film with fucking God damn themes and subtext, like Hereditary or Us. I didn’t care about the characters here. I didn’t feel the love between the father and his son and daughter, the mothers relationship with her children is barely there if even at all, the Jud and Louis relationship that is done so well in the novel, isn’t even there. So when characters get hurt or die, I just didn’t care. I didn’t get choked up. Movies that do tragedy and grief well make you think about your own loved ones while you are watching the movie, and if the movie invests your time for you get to know the characters, you should care if they bite the dust.

I didn’t here at all. In fact, the main accident/tragedy in the book is done like a dumb Fast and Furious bait and switch action scene. It might’ve been more effective if I didn’t already know about the different fate of two of the characters. If the marketing team had just left it at that one teaser trailer…maybe the incident would’ve shocked me to my core, had my jaw drop, and intrigued me to want to watch further on why they had made that switch. But I already knew about it, and so the accident ended up looking like a CGI Vin Diesel crap fest. Even then, while I might’ve been shocked, the rest of the movie, before and after that incident, didn’t establish anything well enough for me to care about what happened. There are a BUNCH of things from the book that are missing from this movie that would’ve helped the movie become something more than just a cheap jump scare shit fest. For my Pet Sematary fans out there that have read the novel , here is what is missing I consider pivotal: Jud’s wife, more of Jud and Louis’s budding friendship, the backstory of the Indian Burial Ground, the relationship between Louis Creed and his in-laws (hell, you can even consider the relationship between him and his wife barely even there here), and the very pivotal funeral confrontation scene.

Oh…and the cat, Church, is completely mishandled here. In the book, he comes back different and weird, and he kills birds and squirrels and shit and brings them in, but he doesn’t attack humans and doesn’t feel like a huge threat. That’s why Jud recommends burying the cat there in the first place, because he know it won’t do any harm. The cat just feels off but won’t kill you. In the movie, he’s scratching and biting and just vicious and mean from the get go. They even make it look like Church plans to kill Gage at one point. Didn’t make much sense that Jud would recommend bringing it back to life considering that later in the movie he fucking admits that when he brought his dog back it was as mean as ever and they put it down soon after (in the book he reveals his dog ultimately died again at a much older age). Also, putting random creepy kids wearing creepy masks with an awkward unusual procession of a dead dog, doesn’t automatically make your movie creepy. It makes it awkward and makes you look like you are throwing in creepy for creepy-sakes. Make you look like bad filmmakers. The only thing I can truly give praise to is the acting. Especially John Lithgow as Jud. All the casting was quite good, they just didn’t have a decent screenplay or direction to bring it all together.

And the movies ending. Let’s talk about it as much as a can without spoiling a God damn thing. The book’s ending is pretty much perfect, in my opinion. Doesn’t wrap up everything in a nice neat bow, but is chilling, sad, and haunting. Makes you wonder what happens next. In fact, shit doesn’t really go down until the last 30 – 40 pages of the novel. All of that is gone here. Not even a trace. They trade it in for a horror action type scene that is just insulting to Stephen King and the fans of his novel. The last little thing before it cuts to black is extremely stupid as well. I can’t believe Stephen King is endorsing this film. If I was him, I’d hate it even more than he does with Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation to The Shining. And I know that Stephen King thinks his books is depressing and that the only reason why it was published was to get out of a dumb contract that a book company had him in. But over the years, it has become one of his most timely novels, depressing, but with a haunting message, and the best words and prose I’ve ever seen dealing with grief. This screenplay was written by one asshole, and directed by two assholes just trying to trick people into giving them their money. And I fell for it.

But please, please, please don’t you fall for it. If you really want to watch a film adaptation of Pet Sematary, just watch the 1989 version. Even though it really isn’t the best, it doesn’t hold a candle to how awful this film is. If you really want to do right by the story, just read the book. I know, who reads anymore these days right? But it is a fantastic read that I can’t recommend enough. This movie is dull. This movie is cheap. This movie doesn’t try to make you think. It tries to steal your money and your time. If you like your horror movies like you like McDonald’s or Taco Bell; buried in some greasy, ugly, unhealthy shit that you might enjoy after that 2 am buzz but will regret it with your anus in the morning, then this movie is for you. If you love the book, or hell, if you love the 1989 film, a fan of Stephen King novels in general, or if you like horror movies like you would love eating at an expensive, fancy, and delicious steak house, feeling alive again with all the trimmings, look else where. This movie was DOA and needs to be buried and never brought back to life again. I wish it could be erased from existence. Sometimes Thanos’ Snap Is Better.

Zach’s Zany TV BINGE Reviews: The Twilight Zone (2019) The Comedian & Nightmare at 30,000 Feet

Since I am seeing less movies and want to keep writing up reviews, I think I am going to start writing up two episodes at a time for the new reiteration of THE TWILIGHT ZONE. Why? Because I remember watching episodes sometimes when they had marathons on sci-fi with my dad. And if I remember something like that fondly it must’ve been an important part of a great childhood I had. Anyway, so I’m signed up for CBS Access for two months and will review two episodes at a time. So 5 reviews since there are only ten episodes this first season.

Now to review Jordan Peele’s narration separately real quick. He’s the real deal. The best since Rod Serling. But if you take that into account I guess there wasn’t much competition when it came to Twilight Zone’s hosts. Serling was the only one in the original series. There was only narration in the first revival, and then Forest Whitaker in front of a shitty green screen in the second revival. Peele here does it kind of like Serling, mostly on set or in a different shot as part of the set. His diction and prose is too perfection, and whenever he welcomes us to The Twilight Zone, opening and closing, I get goosebumps. Whoever gave it a bad review saying there isn’t enough Peele can go fuck himself. Peele has projects up his sleeve and they are lucky to even be getting these small snippets of him introducing these fascinating twisty stories.

The Comedian (Episode 1)

If The Comedian is my least favorite episode of the entire 10 episode run, then call this revival an absolute success. While I probably would’ve gone with Nightmare for the first episode and The Comedian be a little bit of a sophomore slump then a gradual rise, I think they went with this to ease the audience into it more. The Comedian stars The Big Sick and Silicon Valley’s Kumail Nanjiani as a comedian that doesn’t get a lot of laughs because he tries to get political with his jokes. None of them come from the heart. After his set one night he runs into J.C. Wheeler, played by Tracy Morgan, who gets some advice (makes a deal with) that he needs to get more personal with his act, or he’ll never be successful. So Nanjiani does this, but what he doesn’t realize is, that whoever he puts in his act, disappears from existence.

This episode is a little bit of a slow burn and maybe a tad bit too long. But there is a lot to like. The cinematography, tone, and mood set within the film is absolutely gorgeous to look at. The music is wonderful as well. This is probably the best acting I’ve seen from Kumail Nanjiani, and I really liked him in The Big Sick. But what the episode actually did, which I thought nothing could ever do, was for the first time not make me look at Tracy Morgan in an annoying as shit light. I’m sorry, I’ve never found him funny. I feel sorry for that terrible accident he was in, but I’ve always considered him overrated on his comedy. But here, he’s a creepy older more famous comedian, and the very limited screen time he is in, he’s actually pretty fucking good.

The episode though does have some problems slowing it down. The jokes from the comedians aren’t really jokes per say, they are more just lashing out truths, and they aren’t funny. Maybe that was the point? But I would’ve liked to see a few really good comedic jokes when an episode is called The Comedian. I didn’t understand what the audience thought was funny. Also, it is predictable. I bet you can just guess the ending from what I said. However, the pros edge out the cons, and I still enjoyed watching a new episode of The Twilight Zone. In time, a lot might not be too kind on this episode, but I have a feeling it was a small, un-filling appetizer before we get to the delicious main course.

Rating: 3/5

Nightmare at 30,000 Feet (Episode 2)

A play on the classic episode, and the only good remade segment in The Twilight Zone movie: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. Now this isn’t a sequel just because the plane might be 10,000 Feet higher (although there is a blink and you’ll miss it nod to the classic Gremlin “THERE’S SOMEONE ON THE WING…SOME…THING!” segment). This is a totally different beast and story and no monster eating a plane wing. It plays on paranoia, self-fulfilling prophecies, and civility. It’s a heavy reflection on what has happened since 9/11. It stars Parks & Recreations Adam Scott, a journalist going to Tel Aviv for a job after he laid low for awhile seeing some heinous shit elsewhere. He finds a little device behind his seat that has a podcast on it. He plays it, and it’s a podcast episode detailing how the plane on which he’s a passenger will disappear in an hour.

Pretty cool concept right? Kind of a mix of Final Destination’s fate themes and Non-Stop’s detective investigation work. Adam Scott gets up from his seat, going about the cabin, trying to listen to the clues in the podcast and stop whatever bad thing is going to happen, from happening. This film has multiple twists in it. I saw the first one coming from a mile away. But the film doesn’t stop there, it has another gut wrenching twist, which was just the cherry on the suspenseful, really entertaining episode that I just witnessed. Some are harping on that second twist, however, if you re watch the episode and just focus on the themes, it is brilliant and totally makes sense. Never take anything for face value with The Twilight Zone.

Like The Comedian, everything technical is there. The cinematography, tone, lighting, music, fucking masterful. The acting is top notch as well, with Adam Scott and Chris Diamantopoulos giving some of their best performances of their career. I love that it was a tight 37 minutes. It wasn’t too short, and it didn’t overstay its welcome. It’s a fast paced thriller sure to keep you on the edge of your toes. This is one episode I’d watch over and over, so many layers to peel back, and once you think your done, you have several more.

Rating: 4/5