THE SPY WHO DUMPED ME really comes out this coming Friday, August 3rd, but it had a nationwide sneak preview Friday night. Sneak previews like this always mean one of two things. Either the movie is really really really good, but they don’t think the general public will be interested in it, so a sneak preview allows them to get some advanced word of mouth…or…the movie is so fucking bad that they hope the modern audience members who don’t know any better laugh at the stupid shit that might as well been written by immature 17 year old and then will falsely spread a false good of mouth to other modern audience members who don’t know any better, getting trapped in the mediocrity. So, if my second explanation on the “sneak preview” is longer than the first, where do you think my opinion lies? In reality, there is a secret option C that combines explanation #2 with the fact that one of the best films of the year to also out this weekend is also in the spy genre. So anybody seeing Fallout Thursday night or Friday during the day, needing more of a spy genre fix, go and see the sneak preview. Boy…how much of a mistake my wife and I made with that decision?

Mission Impossible Fallout is one of the best films of the year. The Spy Who Dumped Me is one of the worst. It is a hour and a half of unfunny stupid scenes upon really unfunny stupid scenes that basically just contain Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon screaming in a bunch of different weird ways, hoping one of them will make you laugh if they add the sentence, “what the fuck is going on?!” If you thought Kate McKinnon was weird in the Ghostbusters reboot/remake or unbearable in Rough Night, she takes the cake in this movie, and is the most Godly unfunny annoying character she has ever been. I’m wondering if she is really only funny on Saturday Night Live, and everything else she is in you kind of just want to chop your ears off and stab your eyes out. Even in the new episode of Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, she doesn’t seem like she has an off switch, and was painfully unfunny in that as well. I still think she is very deserving of those Emmy’s she has won for SNL, and I find her funny and delightful on that show, so maybe it is just that the material on SNL is better than anything she has done so far movie wise, but she’s getting awfully close to how sick I was of Melissa McCarthy in the few projects she had after Bridesmaids.

In fact, speaking of Melissa McCarthy, this movie tries so hard to be Paul Feig’s SPY, but doesn’t even come close to any of the laughs that film had to offer. The movie is about Mila Kunis, who gets dumped by Justin Theroux, and her best friend Kate McKinnon tries to console her, so they decide to burn his personal items left over at her place. He is involved in this really dumb and terribly shot opening action sequence, and when he gets the text that she’s burning his shit, he calls her telling her not to (mainly because that McGuffin is one of those items), and he’ll come back and apologize and explain everything Two CIA agents, one played by that main guy from Outlander, explaining that he is a spy and he is involved on a dangerous mission and bad guys might be after her to. Then the bad guys do come after her, and both her and her friend are internationally on the run. Yada yada yada, Gillian Anderson is wasted as the CIA boss, yada yada yada, can’t trust anyone, yada yada yada, terrible fucking third act.

The plot is so stupid, and it seems like the writers of this and Skyscraper teamed up and somehow came up with the exact same ultimate McGuffin, both contained on a thumb drive. Only this movie tries to be funny and have the thumb drive being shoved up both of their vaginas to keep it away from the bad guys. Are we not past shoving shit up the butt and vagina jokes? The last funny one was maybe Girl’s Trip and only God knows the funny one before that. The movie is rated R, but honestly would have had the exact same effect if it were PG-13, and all of the F words were taken out and it didn’t show a really stupid sight gag of a male characters dick and balls. The exact same effect being not funny. Everything in the movie is highly predictable, and every single character in the movie is really really dumb and stupid.

Mila Kunis doesn’t play anyone new either, she’s as if Jackie from That 70s show was thrown in a shitty R rated comedy. Please for the love of God skip this movie when it comes out August 3rd. I normally am a wannabe critic that says to please still see whatever you want even if I give it a bad review, but like this year’s A Wrinkle In Time, this is just so bad that I can’t do that this time. If you were really looking forward to it and still really want to see it, wait for a Netflix drop of it or until it is rentable for only $1. You’ll only find this funny if you thought that I Feel Pretty or Life of the Party was funny. Just really unfunny writing, with unfunny performances, with people trying to scream at each other for laughs. Forget about having to dump this film, this wouldn’t even get a 2nd date.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT is my favorite film of 2018. So far. Yes, I know it’s only July and some sneaky little surprise could come lurking its way to me come December. And yes, I liked this more than Avengers: Infinity War. It is just unbelievable how this franchise is getting better and better (in a way even better than the Fast & Furious series) and hasn’t gone the way of series like Die Hard, and Alien, and Predator, and Terminator, and keep entering franchises here that have overstayed their welcome. Tom Cruise might be a crazy couch jumping Scientologist but disregarding his personal life, the man knows how to make a movie, and he has NEVER EVER EVER EVER phoned in a performance. I know I keep saying that in every Cruise review movie I do, but its true. The man really loves his job, and it shows. But the true star of this film, especially the past two has been writer/director Christopher McQuarrie. With this, Rogue Nation, Way of the Gun, and The Usual Suspects, the man knows how to make a pot boiler explode (in a good way). Fallout is just one of those good old fashioned action adventures that reminded me of those in the same genre in the mid 80’s/90s except cranked up to the nth degree.

The less you know going into this movie the better. Unfortunately since my brain works abnormally when I’m watching a movie, I was able to deduce several things that happened because of what I saw in the trailers and television spots. I guessed too easily too quickly the reveals of who the true bad guys are, the double, and even triple crosses. You might be able to figure it out easily as well, who knows? But all of that guessing didn’t bother me at all, because the journey to those revelations were witty, smart, and ingeniously written. There were a bunch of small surprises I didn’t see coming, and while I usually like it the other way around (I love big revelations), everything else, especially the action set pieces, stunned me into a movie lovers dream coma. So that being said, I am not going to describe the plot all that much. It involves Ethan Hunt once again trying to save the world with his usual teammates played by Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames (the latter having the most to do since the third movie). This time some plutonium is stolen and a faction of the group The Syndicate, who know call themselves The Apostles, with a mysterious new leader only known by the name of John Lark, want to blow up parts of the world because they think that “the greater the suffering, the greater the peace.” Anyway, the bad guy from Rogue Nation, Solomon Kane, is also involved, as well as Ilsa, the MI6 agent whose allegiances are still really unknown in this.

People keep asking me if they should watch all the other films before watching this one. Um, duh. Yes. Watching them all makes you appreciate how much greater the movies have gotten. If you are in a pinch though, you basically only need to watch 3, 4, and 5, but I implore you to take your time and check every one out if you haven’t already. The only ‘meh’ entry in the series is the 2nd one, which is basically just John Woo and Metallica pleasuring themselves in a circle jerk. The only reason to watch that one are Tom Cruise doing the stunts (especially the motorcycle finale), but the story is as mediocre and lazy as it gets. While John Woo action is cool, it is mostly fake action. In Fallout, every action set piece, looks and feels real. They even use the take where Cruise is jumping from one building to another, where he didn’t make it, broke his ankle, and the production shut down for a month so he could heal. The halo jump is awesome. The motorcycle chase in this is awesome. The helicopter chase in this is awesome. Everything in this movie bleeds awesome. See it on the biggest screen you can, with the best sound that you can.

I loved the entire cast in this one. Everybody gets something important to do, even if they don’t have that much screen time. Alec Baldwin is good, Angela Bassett is good, Vanessa Kirby is good. Simon Pegg and Ving Rhames are two of the best people in this entire series. Rebecca Ferguson as Ilsa Faust needs to be added to the list of characters that comes back every time (as long as it serves the story). Michelle Monoghan is back and even her character is tied perfectly into the story without it feeling forced. I didn’t like Sean Harris’ Solomon Kane in the last movie, his villainy felt kind of too relaxed, but in this film, he is much more dangerous and crazy, and I now completely relish him as a villain. And then we have Henry Cavill, Superman himself, who steals some of the scenes he is in, including a top notch bathroom fight early on in the film. But this show belongs to Cruise. His blood, sweat, yet probably no tears completely fuels this franchise engine. The dude is 56, still doing all his own stunts (I wish him and Keanu Reeves would do an action film together). And the even greater reason why this is his show is that his character of Ethan Hunt is the most fleshed out it has ever been in the series. And Cruise’s acting takes it beyond the level that it needs to be, bringing humanity in the couple of quieter moments the film has.

But yeah, don’t drink a soda while watching this film. It is two and a half hours, and there are no good parts to take a bathroom break. You will miss something important if you do. I know there are Cruise haters out there, but eveb if you don’t like Tom Cruise because of his personal life, try to set that aside and accept this mission. You’ll be glad you took the ride. This review will self destruct from your memory in 5 seconds.

Ranking of Mission movies:

1. Fallout
2. Ghost Protocol
3. Rogue Nation
4. M:i-1
5. M:i-3
6. M:i-2

UNFRIENDED: DARK WEB was a very pleasant, entertaining surprise. Categorized as part of the new film genre calling itself “desktop horror,” the movie takes place entirely on a Mac , where the story and plot thickens all on one screen. It is a quasi-sequel to 2014’s Unfriended, meaning that it doesn’t continue with the story developed in that one at all. It looks as though they have decided to take the brand name and make it into an anthology series, rather than just repeating all the same shit the first one did. And it is a great decision. The first one functioned primarily on supernatural elements, where a girl committed suicide at school, and haunts and kills her former friends that were responsible for her death one by one while they are on a nightly Skype chat. I actually like the first one a little bit. It was entertaining and kept my attention, although the kills were unimaginative, CGI heavy, with quick cuts to hide the CGI. The first one also relied on that girls’ ghost playing “Never Have I Ever” with the friends most of its run time, and it got old pretty fast. This new film does away with all of that. There are no supernatural elements in this. Even though I’m sure all the technical hacking jargin is a bunch of made up bullshit, the more realistic tone and plot in this film made everything scarier, creepier, and livelier.

I mentioned hacking earlier, the film deals with a lot of that, hence the subtitle ‘Dark Web.’ I am not a techie so I have no clue what they were talking about actually exists in that lingo (my guess is probably not). I want to somewhat tell you the plot of this film, but at its most stripped down bare bones basic description so I don’t ruin any of the surprises. A man finds a laptop at an internet cafe he goes to that was unclaimed for weeks, and since his laptop was slow as shit and he was trying to build some nifty new apps, decided to take it. He boots up the computer to try it out on a game night of Skype with his friends. He soon learns though that he probably shouldn’t have taken the computer. That’s all I’m going to say, because anything else would ruin the fun. While the first film did have relationship arcs between the friends, there wasn’t as much fleshing out of the characters that there should have been, and those relationships were mostly just ‘sexual encounters’ with several of them cheating on each other. The first film also had great acting by Shelly Hennig, (from Teen Wolf who is very underrated), but the rest of the actors in that one were over the top or too nuanced. In this film, there is a very sweet love story going on between the main character and his deaf girlfriend, and it also has another relationship between two women that was heartfelt as well. Also, in this film, all of the actors are actually pretty damn good, with their character arcs a little more fleshed out considering it is a 90 minute film. When any of them are screaming at the computer, it felt like they were really traumatized.

Also, the deaths, (I mean, come on, that’s not so much a spoiler because you know these horror films has to have a least two or more people kick the bucket) actually pack a punch because of the scenarios that lead to their demise. The first ones death kind of just happen at random, but in this one, everything is meticulously set up in the beginning so each character arc pays off. There were even moments in this when I had my hand covering my mouth and my jaw open. The film also doesn’t rely on jump scares either. There are still one or two, but the shock and awe of everything is figuring out what is really going on and the consequences of those revelations.

So that’s all I’m going to say. If you liked the first one, you’ll like this one so much more. Also, there are two endings to this film going around, it just depends on what theater got which ending or what not. Once I learned that, I looked up what the other ending was after my film was over. After reading what transpired, my conclusion is that each ending packs quite a punch, but I felt like mine made a little more sense to what was set up before hand. Maybe the blu-ray or digital copy when it comes out to view at hom, will have both endings where I can watch the entire movie again, but with the other ending, to see if what I read works on screen. I know there is another “desktop thriller,” coming out next month with John Cho called Searching, which after seeing Dark Web, I’m really interested now in checking out. But for this anthology series, as long as you make them interesting, my weird taste in movies will watch them.

Zach here, and again, my wife is more qualified to review a film like this than I am, although I’ll give you my two cents at the bottom:

MAMMA MIA HERE WE GO AGAIN was a fun, yet unnecessary, sequel. If you liked the first one then you will more than likely like this one. If you have any desire to not see it, don’t. It was boring at times but the performances were good and seemed like everyone had a good time through filming.

Lilly James steals the show. Not only is she super cute but she can sing well. The younger cast that plays the younger version of all the characters in the flash backs are much more interesting and I feel like they could have made that movie without it being a musical and it could have carried well.

You can tell that all of the good songs were used in the first movie. Unlike the first movie where the songs flowed naturally with the feel of the story, this one sometimes felt forced and took you out of the story. The plot with Cher did not add anything to the movie. I think they were looking for an excuse to put Cher and and the song ‘Fernando’ in the movie. My favorite numbers were ‘Waterloo’ and during the end credits, ‘Super Trooper’.

All and all you can totally wait for the DVD and have all your friends over and do a back to back movie special while getting drunk on sangria and singing along at the top of your lungs and still not miss a beat.

Grade: B-

Zach’s Zany 2 Cents: Agree with my wife on most aspects, I’ll go against her in saying that I liked the sequel more than the first one, but the fact that I hated the first one doesn’t say much. If you liked the first, you’ll like this, but this movie wasn’t aimed at winning me over, and I never expected it to.

I’m going to make my review for THE EQUALIZER 2 very simple, I’m going to make a short, non-spoiler list of pros and cons, with a conclusion paragraph to summarize everything up. Cool? Something a little different to spice things up. If you just want to know one sentence that pertain to my thoughts here goes: There are some solid things, there are some sloppy things, and it all ‘equals’ itself out, meaning that if you liked the decent 1st film, you’ll likely like this one too.

PROS:

1. DENZEL, ALWAYS DENZEL
2. The Final Act Set Piece: I won’t ruin what it is, but if a lot of it was CGI special effects and smokescreen (I figure it had to be), I couldn’t tell. Liked it better than the Home Depot finale from the 1st film.
3. The quick little snippets of action, this isn’t a action film and the film doesn’t bog down the story. What we got was just the right amount.
4. I liked how the story was a little more personal this go around with Robert McCall. You don’t really know anything about him after the first film, you get a few snippets of detail in this, but they still keep him a mysterious figure.
5. I like how they flip the creepy Lyft/Uber driver stories you hear upside down by making Robert McCall be somewhat of a hero Lyft driver that helps people in need.

CONS:
1. The bad guys’ identity and ultimate end game is wayyy too predictable. Remember how easy it was pointing out who the villain was in Incredibles 2? This is easier.
2. Characters, both good and bad, make the stupidest decisions in the movie, right after they have done something extremely clever. Really uneven decision making. Especially a decision made by a artist kid near the end of the movie that Denzel is looking after. Characters making stupid decisions out of left field in the movie just to move the plot along is bad screenwriting.
3. The movie might’ve been too much of a slow burn at times.
4. Pedro Pascal’s acting was sort of wooden in this. My first real disappointment from him.
5. The stop watch thing before Robert McCall beats someone down real fast has become too much of a gimmick.

5 and 5. See? All equal. But that didn’t make the movie mediocre. It kept my attention and I enjoyed myself. However, will it be memorable in a year or two? Probably not, hard to say. What I do say is to make one more, make the series a trilogy and then end it before it overstays its welcome. If you liked the first one, you’ll like the second. It’s that simple.

The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson, we all probably already know, is this generation’s Arnold Scharzenegger. He is mostly (if not all) in action films, and while he has a handful of big successes (like the Fast and Furious films and Jumanji 2), he does every know and then have a minor or major dud (Baywatch and Rampage). While SKYSCRAPER isn’t as terrible as some critics are making it out to be, it isn’t very good. So it is definitely closer to his duds even though it doesn’t quite get to their lows And this has been said by everyone, but I do want to confirm that it really is a giant Die Hard wannabe rip off that has absolutely no substance that made Die Hard the classic that it is. It doesn’t even come to the heights of wannabe rip off funchessy-ness that even the Jean Claude Van Damme movie Sudden Death had. This movie takes itself wayyyyy too seriously for what it is. I mean, the gimmick in this one is Dwayne Johnson has a prosthetic leg in this, and the movie only uses that gimmick in one scene, and it doesn’t even make it funny.

The only thing it had going for it is that I was extremely tired before sitting down to watch it, and it kept my attention the entire time, and the fact that the movie actually had the balls to cast the delightful Sydney Prescott…err, I mean Neve Campbell in a role. What is really funny is she is the best actor/actress in this entire film and in the end seems a little too good to actually be in this even with her Screamography. She actually made us believe someone like Dwayne Johnson would marry her. I unintentionally laughed a lot in this, mainly because all of the foreshadowing details are all too in your face, and when they pay off later in the movie, the movie treats these developments as serious as a tough job interview. Everything that is unique about this building and stands out visually, you know that The Rock is going to have to go there and rescue or fight or debug something electronically at some point. Why couldn’t the movie had been a minor satire and had poked fun at itself with several scenes or lines of dialogue commenting about how ridiculous everything is? Instead it is, “a need to go here, and do this, and fast, or everyone will die,” with a poker face that could win tournaments. If the movie had played with these actions tropes, it could’ve been a much better, more memorable ride. But everything is so straight laced, it is hard to really enjoy ones self while watching it.

And the one leg thing. Come on. In the trailers it made it seem like the whole plot of the movie would be based on how a strong military type man could do all of these amazing action rescue things and fighting off bad guys with this one small handicap. And while I knew Dwayne Johnson’s character having a prosthetic leg in this was something to make his character seem more human and down to Earth than the big toughie he has been in all these other films, the movie still didn’t play to how ridiculous a situation that leg could put him in. It’s gimmick comes and goes in one scene, and this scene is in the trailers and television spots. Other than the very beginning, the rest of the film barely shows or even mentions his prosthetic leg, and The Rock is just bouncing, running, and leaping like normal. If you are going to put that type of thing in a movie, it needs to be near the center, if not THE center. Otherwise, it seems like screenplay writing afterthought, like the first draft was written without the fake leg, The Rock was cast, and the producers told you to put something in it to distinguish it from other Die Hard rip offs, so the writer said, “oh hey, a peg leg!”

And the whole reason why this building is being attacked, while setting it up as some kind of mystery in the trailers and tv spots, the revelation is definitely a ho hum let down. Instead of something brilliant and never done before, it has the McGuffin of where so many of these films have gone, with maybe a small twist to try to distinguish itself. It doesn’t work. And the final showdown/climatic finale is a CGI green screen fest shit show. And I knew, I FUCKING KNEW, that when they showed this area in the movie that it was going to be where the final showdown took place, and I knew that it was going to look awful an hour and 10 minutes before it happened. I was praying (btw, you’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it), that this little building gimmick would somehow make the final fight not look stupid and cheesy and cliched, but nope, it did it anyway, and it wasn’t even winking at the audience.

Does Skyscraper still sound like something you want to see? To actually enjoy your time, might I recommend that you just watch Die Hard for the umpteenth time, because you really aren’t missing anything here, unless you are a Dwayne Johnson completest. There are worse films out there, like this won’t even be near my worst of list by the end of the year, and thankfully, audiences actually made a smart decision here and knew mediocrity when they saw it and it didn’t really make that much this weekend box office wise. My point is, these filmmakers can’t just keep saying, “well, at least it isn’t the worst thing out there.” They need to look harder at these scripts, and decide if these are truly worth even making. I know if I was a producer or owned a studio and saw this script, it would’ve been easily a hard pass. What makes these things get greenlit? Just the star power alone? No, I actually have an answer, these movies make much more money overseas, and this movie is under the Legendary banner, which mostly collaborates with films overseas to get made. I just wish the rest of the world would also notice this mediocre so we can get something done about it. Until then, when do you think the next building under siege/hostage and only one hero to save everyone will come out?

If there is one thing you have to give HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 3 and the entire series in general, is that at least it combines several ideas and storylines that could’ve been stretched out into two or three more films and just gets it out of the way with only 3 quick and harmless 90 minute films. If you are in love with the series, and your children is in love with this series, then my review isn’t going to do really anything for you. To catch you up, I thought the first one was mildly amusing and harmless, I thought the second one was less mildly amusing and harmless, and I think the third is even less amusing and borderline annoying, yet still harmless. All three movies are completely harmless. There aren’t any questionable jokes for children (there is one fart joke in this, and yet while it is cute, it is very tame), and the gags are literally a handful a minute. The voice cast doesn’t seem to be phoning it in, and the filmmakers try their best to bring entertainment to children.

Basically while I am saying I didn’t like the film too much, I’m recommend it for those that find some enjoyment in it, but more importantly, love watching it with their kids. My son isn’t old enough to watch and enjoy stuff like this quite yet, but when he gets there, I’m sure I’ll enjoy movies like this a little bit more. Right now, I’m reviewing it based on a screening I saw with my wife, who loves the screenings. To give you her opinion, I think she’s in the same league as me (comment if I am correct if you read this Diane), where each film is considerably not as good as the last, however, she likes them a boatload more than me. Except for this one, where we both agree that the handful of gags each minute got kind of exhausting this go around. We had just watch the previous two in the last two days to kind of catch up before this, and the gags weren’t as frequent and in your face. It seems like the filmmakers were trying way too hard this time around to make sure kids aren’t bored for a straight 5 seconds. This movie is the ultimate cure if you have a kid suffering from ADHD.

What else is there to say about the voice cast other than that they are still good and don’t phone it in, which is saying something considering that these movies are co-produced by Happy Madison (I think every single freaking one of Sandler’s friends voices someone who it or whatever in this), whose films on Netflix right now suck more than anything that has ever sucked before. Adam Sandler actually seems alive in these films than the ones where he is actually physically on camera. And that is probably because he already got the giant check from the giant contract from Netflix that gives to him for his giant foray into mediocrity, so he shows that he doesn’t give a shit.

While the first film dealt with Dracula’s daughter falling in love with a human and Dracula trying to hide that human while also dealing with the relationship with humans and monsters, and the second one deals with Dracula’s daughter having a kid with that human, Dracula trying to have the kid turn into a monster before he is five, while also dealing with his really old father played my Mel Brooks trying to accept the human and monster integration…………..*lets out long breath* Hold on, I’ll finish in a sec, but do you see where you have to hand it to this film for several stories that normally would’ve been played out in several direct to video sequels just getting them out of the way? Points for something, am I right? This one deals with Dracula finding love on his own, while on vacation, with the daughter of Van Helsing, who is still alive, both plotting to kill him. I think they are finally out of ideas, because it wraps everything up here nicely, but with sequelitis and everybody wanting more now, I wouldn’t put it past them there being a 4th one. Oh dear me, I hope they try harder next time, because the series is finally showing its age.

Anyway, while I don’t recommend this as a personal view, with your kids, you can find worse things in theaters and on television. And with your kids you might even have some fun.

While ANT-MAN AND THE WASP is definitely a better film than the first, it certainly is not Marvel’s best. It’s right there in the middle with Doctor Strange and GOTG Vol. 2 meaning, “good, but maybe not as memorable down the line.” It’s a good, half way decent little treat and a fun summer escapist adventure that is pretty funny at times and isn’t as dark and serious like recent fare we’ve gotten with Avengers Infinity War and most of Black Panther. Have you ever been to one of those taste tasting experiences? Where they have the cracker and water to cleanse your palette before the next food item? While it’s a little refreshing, you definitely won’t remember that cracker and water later? That is this film. It’s a more personal story and the stakes aren’t that high, probably because they can’t be considering the stakes at the end of Infinity War. But that’s okay, because I didn’t need the stakes to be that high to enjoy this film. I mean, it looks like Citizen Kane next to The First Purge and Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom. I don’t think I could’ve asked or considered getting much more than that.

I’m not going to get into the plot of the film other than to say the reason why Scott Lang isn’t with the Avengers in Infinity War is that he’s been under house arrest for two years for violating the Socovia Accords. He only has a few days left and is trying to have those days come and go peacefully, but a couple of weird visions he has and the return of Hope and Hank might make things a bit complicated for him. While I am recommending this film wholeheartedly, it does have some problems, so let me get those out of the way before I get to the praising parts. While the film is very funny at times, there were about a handful of joke beats and some humor that really didn’t work, like they were trying to force a couple of laughs. It didn’t come off too well and you will know the humor when it comes, because you’ll be making that half smile face you make when a friend makes a lame joke and you just want them to move on. Next, while Marvel was beginning to solve its villain problem with their past couple of films, this definitely felt like a step backward. I didn’t expect this Ghost to be more intriguing or elegant than Thanos or Erik Killmonger, but I expected a little more of the villains’ plight and a bit more screen time that didn’t involve fighting or trying to kick Ant-Man and the Wasps ass. And I know that while you see that Walton Goggins is part of the cast, and while he is sort of a villain and Goggins always brings his A game, he’s more of a side ordinary human villain that really isn’t going to be memorable that down the line. Come on Marvel, if you get Walton Goggins, use him for something fantastic where he can bring his ultimately A+ game in scene chewery! Also, you might see Michelle Phieffer in the promotional material for the film but she is more of a MacGuffin than a character and it is really just a glorified cameo. Even though I did say this movie is better than the original, the only thing the original did better was its villain in Yellowjacket.

Phew, ok, got my criticisms out of the way. Let’s get to the good and fun stuff for why I really do like and recommend this film. I mentioned some of the humor not working earlier, however, when it does work, it works like gold. You can thank Paul Rudd and Michael Pena for that. Michael Pena completely steals every scene he is in. He has another one of those “stories” like in the original where it flashes back and his voice takes over all of the other characters. The one in this was definitely the funniest and the best. I’ve always loved Michael Pena, and we always need more of him. Paul Rudd does his Paul Rudd funny schtick most of the film, and he is as hilarious and heartwarming here as in every other comedy you’ve seen him in. I really like that he loves being in the Marvel Universe and loves being Scott Lang. It shows. Michael Douglas gets a shit load of more screen time in this film than the last one, and it is certainly a welcome addition of minutes as he adds to the emotional story a great deal more than you would think. But the real hero of this film is easily Evangeline Lilly. I always loved her on Lost, and I really liked the limited amount of screen time she had in the first film, but in here, she rocks the socks off everything she does. She’s finally free reign to combine her acting chops with her action skills, and she’s absolutely incredible. Now, in the previous paragraph I did complain about the Marvel villain problem taking a step back. However, the praise I do want to give Ghost is that her motivations aren’t just another grab at having too much power, taking over the world, or destroying it. It was more of a personal physical gain and I appreciated that the film, while certainly giving her more screen time would’ve helped, didn’t just give her another stupid eye rolling “not again” motivation we have gotten in previous Marvel and DC films.

Also, the action and special effects in this film are very good. The last 30 minutes of the film is this rock and sock ’em sort of chase scene that thrills, excites, and keeps your attention. All in all, the entire film shines when it uses the whole superpower idea of dramatic size change and abilities. It makes for intriguing action and some very funny sight gags. Scott Lang visiting his daughter at school is a huge sight gag laugh that worked tremendously well. Director Payton Reed is not an action director, and in the first film it kind of showed a lot, but in this, he seems to have honed in his skills a little bit and is getting better, even though there is always room for improvement.

While we shall see if this installment is ultimately really more memorable down the line in several years and Marvel films to come, for right now, it gets the job done. Marvel thankfully usually always gets the job done, they have a proven movie making formula working and they just keep on keepin’ on. If you are groaning because I said it is better than the original but still is in the middle of the pack with all these other Marvel Universe films, just remember, while it may not reach the heights of Civil War, Infinity War, the first Avengers, Black Panther, or even the first Guardians films…at least it is no where near the fire ant bite or poisonous wasp sting that was Thor The Dark World or Iron Man 2. And for that, we should be grateful. OH, WAIT! ONE MORE THING! STAY THRU AT LEAST THE MID CREDITS SCENE (if you’ve seen the trailers you’ve partly seen the very end credits scene and it doesn’t much matter). The Mid Credits scene had one of the best reactions I’ve ever seen from an audience. And while you can predict what it is, it still doesn’t make it that less astonishing to see.

The Purge movies always had an interesting concept. What if the entire country had 12 hours once a year to do whatever they wanted and no consequences? The first movie, the one with Ethan Hawke and Game of Thrones Lena Headey, disappointingly took that concept and turned it into a sort of lame home invasion thriller that lacked any real substance. However, the second and third movies (Anarchy and Election Year) raised the bar several levels and actually took the concept to where it needed to be, open world, and it starred Frank Grillo, who just sweats badassness, and both films had enough substance in them to warrant the franchises existence. The movies increasingly got better, with the third one being the best. Three years, three different purges. With all that world building and increased rate of destruction and violence, shouldn’t THE FIRST PURGE be the most interesting, seeing how everything got to where it was in the three previous movies? You would think wouldn’t you? Instead you get the worst installment in the franchise, even worse than the first installment, which was no small feat to beat, and you get the feeling that maybe this entire series is finally on its last leg.

For those that still want to see this movie, I won’t spoil how the first purge comes together, the rules, or the circumstances (I’m surprised the trailer doesn’t reveal it all, because it reveals the “twist” that happens in the middle of the movie), but suffice to say, it’s all very poorly constructed on a storytelling level. I was kind of bored and eye rolling with everything they came up with. I thought, that like Election Year, the franchise would turn even more political than it ever has been before. But the political themes and motifs are half conceptualized and executed. All cliche with very little imagination. I thought the movie would actually have more jokes or themes geared toward the Trump presidency, but all we get is a quick “pussy grabbing” joke that comes nearly out of nowhere and without much resonance to the rest of the film.

And I didn’t care about one single character. I cared about Frank Grillo and some of the other characters in the second and third, and I cared about the young family members in even the first film. I didn’t care for one person in this. There was nobody to root for. Obviously I wasn’t rooting for the government. But am I supposed to root for the drug king gang lord? Or any of his workers? Or his churchy ex girlfriend that makes some really dumb decisions in the throughout the entire film or her brother that deals drugs that somehow makes even dumb ones? There is absolutely no character development in this film. They even set up a big main purge baddie, called Skeletor, and while he is menacing and downright scary and evil he disappears for over half the film and shows up just when the film needs him to and completely wastes his arc. Marisa Tomei is the most recognizable name in the movie, and even she is wasted. To not go into spoilers as much as I can, her character obviously has an ultimate fate, and it is the most mismanaged and full assed thing in the entire film, and it looked like Tomei didn’t even half to be there for it to happen. And like her character’s ultimate fate, it just seems this entire film was just tossed into the wind with no care of how the end product turned up as long as it stayed on the very small budget it has, and that it gets into theaters to make as much of a profit as possible.

And none of the kills or violence had any sort of uniqueness to them whatsoever. In fact you could tell that a lot of the blood and effects were completely CGI and quickly made on a cheap computer with no extra touch ups. It was pretty pathetic. And you think that Incredibles 2 had a weird flashing light epilepsy scene? This film should have warnings before you enter the theater as well. Part of the last third of the film takes place in a apartment complex tower and the power quickly goes out, and for about 10 to 15 minutes, the lights quickly go in and out. Not only was it annoying and damaging to my eyes, it distracted from the rest of the movie, whatever left of it there was to focus on.

And the story’s twist? About how at first the purge isn’t racking up the bodies it needs to so the government sends mercenaries to up the body count? You know how that is in the trailer? Yeah, well that is just the filmmakers showing all of its cards. If they would’ve kept that from marketing, it might’ve added a little something in a unsavable film, however, since I was expecting it because of the trailers and tv spots, it didn’t shock and awe me as a viewer and I just didn’t care. Needless to say, this purge was the worst and a big utter disappointment, since every installment was increasingly getting better. But with this lame shit show, the franchise is finally starting to show its wear and tear, and one day, may have to purge itself from our cinematic world.