Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: COFFEE & KAREEM (Netflix)

COFFEE & KAREEM, a new movie that debuted on Netflix today starring Ed Helms and Taraji P. Henson, is like a more vulgar, obnoxious dumb, stupid, fucking terrible remake of Cop And A Half…and if you don’t know what that movie is (Burt Reynolds is in it), all you need to know is that it is considered once of the worst films of the 90’s. So saying that Coffee & Kareem is worse than that…you know I’m saying something. Were the producers of Netflix smoking crack while watching this film and deciding to purchase it for their streaming service? That’s the only logical explanation for this tone deaf piece of shit that is a giant waste of time. And usually my whole deal is that I really, really like young kid cursing movies with dick, sex and fart jokes galore. BUT…that is only when they have heart, like the movie Good Boys. While that film was vulgar, the message of it, and the jokes, had heart in them, which is what made the movie hilarious and cute. Coffee & Kareem is just a bunch of people yelling at each other for an hour and 28 minutes. And the yelling become obnoxious very very fast. And the jokes are vulgar and gross just for the sake of being vulgar and gross…which I hate. This film has no hearts, no smarts, and not one decent joke that deals with farts. Another giant Netflix bomb to be precise.

And what really is odd is that it contains one of the worst performances I’ve seen all year from Betty Gilpin, who actually is a decent actress on Netflix’s girl wrestling series Glow and she made the most recent movie The Hunt entertaining and a little bad ass. Here she plays an obnoxious cop that just screams obscenities at people…and she can’t even pull that off realistically. It screams paycheck. Anyway, the movie is really about a white cop named Officer Coffee, played by Hangover’s Ed Helms, that is dating an African American woman, played by Taraji P. Henson, and them deciding to reveal who’s she dating to her young 12 year old son named Kareem, who before he’s informed of their tryst, catches them in the act of having sex. Kareem then decides to get revenge on this white cop by trying to hire a local gangster to scare Coffee, but it backfires, forcing Coffee and Kareem to team up in order to save themselves from Detroit’s most ruthless drug kingpin. If that sounds really dumb, it’s as dumb as it sounds. And all the racial jokes you can think of try to fly and then land here but end up stumbling all over the place combined with the worst obnoxious pedophile child rape jokes I have ever heard. If you can imagine, it’s all in very bad taste. The movie tries to have heart at the very end of the film (heart in one or two lines of dialogue), but everything before it is so nasty and rude that all of it feels forced to the point of ridiculousness.

Ed Helms plays a bumbling idiot, nothing new from him, it’s basically his character from The Office and The Hangover movies combined. How his character was even approved to be a police officer to begin with is baffling. Taraji P. Henson basically plays her character from Empire, Cookie, but just a little toned down. And the kid that plays Kareem, just spouts off vulgar joke after vulgar joke, making him completely unlikable, when the movie should be playing him with just enough sympathetic traits to make the audience relate to him more. But nope, it’s “the officer tried to rape me” this or “the officer tried to touch my penis” that every five minutes. The plot is contrived, it of course involves drugs, money, crooked cops, dumb fucking criminals, pointless shootouts, dumb twists and reveals, cheap production value, over the top bad acting…it’s just a giant piece of shit. When I saw the trailer to this, I laughed at the title, for how simple and dumb it was, and knew it was going to be a piece of shit, and I wasn’t wrong. People that like this movie probably liked the movie Sextuplets with Marlon Wayans, that’s how bad it is. And if you liked that movie, and if you liked this, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM WHY WE STILL GET SHITTY MOVIES LIKE THIS…AND ESPECIALLY IN THIS WEIRD TIME OF THIS COVID-19 WORLD….all I have left to say…is FUCK YOU. Whoever wrote this film, his career should be over, along with the director, along with the producers at Netflix that picked this up. I’m willing to give the actors another shot as sometimes, you just gotta get that paycheck to keep on living. They are probably especially happy now that they did it, considering they probably won’t get enough work in awhile…fuck you COVID-19. I’m blaming you about 5% for this shitty film. Easily one of the worst films of 2020.

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