Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: CATS (2019) – A Purrfect Poem

CATS is the worst film of the year, was there really any doubt?

Horrifying CGI human felines, the filmmakers should’ve bowed out,

As nothing else in this film works, not a good performance, song or note hit,

How could Universal not think this film was going to be a giant piece of dog shit?

Oh God, my eyes, my ears, my jellicle butthole,

Was a trip to the Oscars really director Tom Hooper’s goal?

That motherfucker already has an Oscar over Inception,

The overrated King’s Speech gave the Academy voters an unwelcome erection,

After this disaster I wouldn’t be surprised if they took his award back,

With his guidance, nobody should’ve cut him any slack,

As the camera can’t even capture the choreography correctly,

The frame too close, too far away, or too off center, all abjectly,

This fur CGI technology was the one thing truly revolting,

It was like watching a video game with serious lagging, truly jolting,

Jarringly bad, it took me completely out of the movie,

And it never recovered, my jaw permanently dropped, feeling quite woozy,

The film is about a bunch of joyless pussies wanting a new life,

So they hold a jellicle ball competition, the cats trying to sing with strife,

Judi Dench is the decider, that holds everyone’s fate,

And Idria Elbis kidnaps the ones in his way, using them as bait,

But who really cares, as the end result is kind of dark,

The chosen cat being sent to a “Heaviside Layer”, aka a death check mark,

That’s what I took it to mean anyway, the whole play is kind of fucked up weird,

Didn’t understand it at all, have no intention to do research or have my mind cleared,

Ian McKellen acting as a cat is the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in Twenty Nineteen,

He licks out of a bowl, hisses, and gives himself a cat bath to make his fur clean,

I’ve seen some fucked up shit this year, but nothing as boring or asinine as this,

Those looking for some Taylor Swift solace, she’s only in it 5 minutes, so dismiss,

None of the songs are interesting or fun, no one comes out of this as the next new star,

In fact, Rebel Wilson and James Corden’s characters seem like the new Jar Jar,

Just like the play’s most famous song, I hope my memories of this cease to exist,

This made me not want to check out the Broadway play, I walked out quite pissed,

My final word: like a tick on your pet, it’ll make you sick,

Cats Twenty Nineteen can suck my….

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