This one is dedicated to Dustin Bade:
DUMBO 2019 (A HATE RAP POEM) By Zach Alexander
Who the fuck was this movie made for?
It can’t be for older people, who will instantly snore,
Not for younglings, scared back behind a door,
For tweens, they’ll think it’s a chore,
Yet it’s another loser for Tim Burton,
Hopin’ to raise the curtain, for certain,
His career, since Returns it’s been a hurtin’
An awful green screen CGI crap fest,
Live action stress test, ends up being a pest,
Hurts our childhood hearts, makes a mess of our chest
The acting, all distracting, spewing lines instead of reacting,
Detracting from a story that’s too abstracting, compacting
Cliched and no emotions impacting, redacting
From the heart of the story, a small elephant
Ehren Kruger’s script quite arrogant,
Danny DeVito borrowed from It’s Always Sunny set,
As Mac’s mom is there too as an asset, blasted,
Colin Farrell looks like he wants to kill himself,
His career on a dusty shelf, Eva Green, herself
Burton’s muse, adds nothing, it’s crushing
Michael Keaton rushing and busting,
His performance, more a gay Batman
Than a thespian with a plan, all panned,
Tried to make the movie too grand,
Instead it gives a backhand, to the Disney brand,
Finding single parent angle too bland,
Darker themes children won’t understand,
Made for no one, no fun hun,
Not surprised it didn’t gross a ton,
Remakes now shunned, wish they were undone,
Taken out to pasture with a shotgun, anyone?
Someone please slap me with some hard leather,
Or tether me to a tree, hang together, with shitty weather,
I wondered whether,
An elephant could be better,
Than new Aladdin or Lion King, be on top to blether
But Dumbo just asked them to hold his feather.
Zach's Zany Movie Reviews 