Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: NEW YEAR, NEW YOU (Hulu, no spoilers)

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU has got to be the worst original content I have ever watched on the Hulu streaming service, and I fell asleep during the first episode of The Handmaid’s Tale. This movie is part of their 12 episode/movie Into The Dark series, where they debut one original horror/thriller movie a month for a year. This is the 4th one, and I haven’t watched any of the others because the first two got terrible reviews, and just haven’t had enough time to watch the last one, Pooka, which actually probably got the most decent reviews of them all. The reason why I checked this one out is because it got decent reviews as well, it stars Suki Waterhouse, who I loved in Assassination Nation and The Bad Batch, and they said there are two twists you can’t see coming. I have two words for the last thing I mentioned. Bull and shit.

This movie is only 1 hr and 24 minutes long, and 45 minutes of it is just late 20s women talking like annoying 15 year olds in different parts of a giant mansion like house on New Years Eve. One of the girls in the foursome group is famous, one of them is jealous and has a scar on her face she felt ruined whatever career she couldn’t had, one is overweight but sassy, and one is a lesbian gushing over her long time girlfriend. Truths comes out, things escalate, and there may or may not be killing and murder involved. One huge problem with the movie is that there is not one likable character in the bunch. Well, the lesbian is, but she doesn’t get enough screen time or characterization to really feel for her character before things start to escalate. The other three are just annoying, cruel, assholes that you probably wouldn’t want to be friends with in the first place.

I wanted to rip my ears off for 45 minutes, and then when things start to really escalate, I just didn’t care what was happening anymore and couldn’t get into it. The films turns into people running around a mansion like house, hiding from one another, may or maybe not trying to hurt each other. Carly Chaikin, who is in Mr. Robot, is in this, and she should’ve just stuck to that job. Being in this trash I feel is completely embarrassing for her career. And these two twists that people are speaking of, they aren’t really twists than they are than just very, very minor changes to the story. One occurs halfway through with a character’s motivation, and the other happens with a different character at the very end. Both of them are predictable as anything you could ever guess, and they are really dumb and and worthless.

New Year New You, with all the stream-able content out right now, is surely a must miss. Avoid it at all costs, because for the first 45 minutes you’ll be bored and annoyed out of your mind, and the last 39 minutes you just won’t care what is happening on screen. The direction is uninspired, the acting is terrible and hokey, the entire film is a complete mess. Make a resolution each year to never watch it.

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