Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: RELIC

Now before any of you go up in arms about my review for the new horror movie RELIC, which went straight to drive in theaters and video on demand this past weekend, let me express to you a couple of things. Yes, I know, I’ve seen that the movie is in the 90 percentile range with critics for this movie, but take a look at the low audience score in the 40 percentile range. I am not a huge fan when horror is weird and all artsy fartsy for the sake of being weird and all artsy fartsy. It’s got to have that AND have a point, for example Ari Aster’s Hereditary and Midsommar quickly come to mind. And while Relic does have a point, it is a horror movie metaphor showing how dementia & Alzheimer’s rots not just the mind but the body as well, it didn’t quite get it’s point across because none of the set ups earlier in the film had any sort of pay offs. It’s just weird to be weird. I don’t like that. That’s probably why films of this caliber aren’t my cup of tea. I didn’t like the critically acclaimed The VVITCH or It Comes At Night either. It was all just artsy fartsy without earning any of the themes or motifs buried beneath the surface of the story. It was very frustrating as I really wanted to like this film and I was really digging the visuals and atmosphere the film had set up. It’s sort of a haunted house movie, but with a twist. But when the end credits hit, the one two part question that always comes to mind, “would I ever watch this again or recommend it?” I already knew that my answer was a concrete no.

Also, I was very bored, I paused the movie a bunch of times to do other things around the house because I just couldn’t get into it. What was supposed to be a 90 minute film took me approximately 120 minutes to watch. This is the equivalent of looking at your watch or taking a quick peak at your cell phone clock in the theater. Per IMDB, it describes Relic as such: “A daughter, mother and grandmother are haunted by a manifestation of dementia/Alzheimer’s that consumes their family’s home.” That short sentence describes the film to a tee. At the beginning of the film the grandmother is missing, the daughter and granddaughter are worried, then the grandmother randomly shows up again, without any explanation of where she was, and that’s when the horror and weird shit starts to happen. The acting in this film, along with the visuals and atmosphere, is the last pro I can give this film. It’s a three woman show essentially, and Emily Mortimer, Bella Heathcote and Robyn Nevin all do a fantastic job in their perspective roles. Again, the real problem here is the screenplay and not giving the audience any pay offs to the set ups presented earlier in the film. They never show where the grandmother ended up going to where she was missing. Well they kind of do and they kind of don’t. They present two ways, but neither were made clear. That could’ve been an interesting pay off. That and many other instances go untouched or unexplained. I advocate the audience trying to figure things out on their own, but there wasn’t enough hints given. Those could end up being nails in the coffin for interest in a film.

This is director Natalie Erika James’s first big directing gig. She has directed several short films and has worked on horror/thriller projects with bigger named people, such as The Invisible Man and Upgrade’s Leigh Whannell. Her direction is great here, again, the problem is with her script, which she co-wrote with Christian White, who is also getting their bigger break here. They both need to work on their story skills, their structure, and making sure set ups have pay offs. They got the shots down, and if they can conjure up a solid script, then I can confidently say I can’t wait to see that movie. But Relic definitely isn’t it. It does show promise and potential, but is ultimately a disappointment, especially that it debuted with strong critic reviews. And it’s not that I’m a casual movie goer, anybody that knows me knows I am definitely not that. I get what it was trying to do. It just simply wasn’t in my wheelhouse of interest, but was for others. And that’s okay. Not everybody is going to like a particular movie. I’m sure there are people out there that didn’t care for Get Out or Parasite. There is probably someone out there that can convince me that 2019’s Joker is a masterpiece (doubt it though). It happens. Tastes are different. Relic gets the horror right, but not the intelligence for me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE OLD GUARD (Netflix)

Why does every movie have to have a “new recruit” type story line? That’s where the universe is very much already established and they bring in a new character (someone casual moviegoers can relate to) to learn the ropes. Is it so that the story/screenplay writer can easily and without any kind of effort spoon feed all the information/rules to the audience in multiple uninteresting monologues? Is it so they don’t have to think hard of a new and unique approach where little things are hinted at here and there where movie goers would have to grow a brain and piece everything together on their own? The “new recruit” type story is EVERYWHERE. Men In Black, The Matrix, 6 Underground, Kingsman, Inception, is just a very small list of the thousands of movies out there that do it. However, those movies get past that cliched premise because they have other, much bigger elements that come into play that are interesting enough and overshadow that “same old, same old.” Inception is a HUGE example of that. Anyway, the thing that makes the new Netflix original film, THE OLD GUARD, just a one time half-way decent watch is that the bigger elements presented in this movie…is just more shit that has been done before, namely the “Immortality Old Warrior” type angle. Another problem with it would be that Charlize Theron and company just explain the rules to the “new recruit” in a bunch of uninteresting ways and have “standing close to each other for 5 to 10 minute” monologues. And yet another problem would be that I guessed everything that was going to happen way before they happened and even guessed what the mid credits scene would be only a half an hour into the 2 hour run time. The film only gets a barely passable slight recommendation from me because it has a action packed last 30 minutes, the movie looked good and was well shot, and of course…Charlize Theron is always fantastic in whatever project she takes on.

Still think I’m nuts? Look at the IMDB log line for this: “A covert team of immortal mercenaries are suddenly exposed and must now fight to keep their identity a secret just as an unexpected new member is discovered.” New member. I guarantee you that two word phrase is in the log line of thousand of films that you have seen before. Is there really no way that this movie, and the graphic novel its based on as well, could’ve just had this “Old Guard” be on their own to present a story that hinted at and then gradually revealed the rules while the movie progressed without having one character explain all of it to a new one in a mundane monologue? There had to have been a way, HAD to. I myself can even think of several ways the movie could’ve avoided all those trappings and had been a unique ride. Alas, it doesn’t, it takes the easy way out for you to quickly understand and relate to the story. I’m just tired of it is all. Also, for an action movie, there is not a lot of action, save for the last 30 minutes. It’s really just a bunch of characters getting all the history out of the way so that the sequel doesn’t have to explain everything and just be completely action packed. I’m sorry but you do not want your first movie in a franchise to be just a dialogue bridge film for better sequels. You are already setting yourself up for failure doing that. Which, judging by the mid credits scene, is EXACTLY what this film is doing. Plus, let’s list the cliches shall we? We get another bad guy just wanting to make money off of or harness the groups abilities, betrayals and double crossings, plot points that the group are afraid will happen that they point out at the very beginning of the film that DO happen later on, the works. If you watch closely, this film is BEAT BY BEAT ripping off The Matrix.

Okay, enough with my bitching, it is getting old. Let me get to some of the good stuff. Like I said, Charlize Theron is excellent in this, that there is no doubt. The new recruit, played by KiKi Layne, is good as well. All the acting is top notch, even though Chiwetel Ejiofor is completely wasted with his talents here and should not have been cast in a role that small. I even loved that two of the Old Guard were homosexual lovers. That was a nice dynamic that had some great pay off scenes. The whole movie looks nice and is shot well by director Gina Prince-Bythewood. Give her a better story and screenplay to work with and she could do wonders. The only big fault with this movie is the story/screenplay. This screenplay was written by the actual creator of the graphic novel it is based on Greg Rucka, who is known for the many graphic novels he’s written. I wish he would have more original ideas is all and wouldn’t fall into the trappings of all the cliches he writes himself into. It just takes that one idea to be extraordinary. The real problem is that there is nothing new with this movie. Every element is taken from many other different films that have done those elements better. When you can’t take those elements and even put a small unique twist on them to make them better and new again, what’s the point of even writing those kinds of stories in the first place? Even though it has been happening for years, it has been starting to get old lately just recently for me. Fuck…maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE HIGH NOTE

THE HIGH NOTE is just further proof that you can still make a movie that has been done before, with cliches galore, being mostly predictable, incorporating story beats either copied or completely ripped off of other things…but the pacing of the movie, the acting, the chemistry between the actors, and some original music can end up putting everything together into a very enjoyable, semi-new package. Or maybe my expectations were just really, really low? Doesn’t matter, either way I really enjoyed this film, and my wife who was going to do other things around the house, ended up sitting down and paid attention to the whole thing. This was yet another movie that was supposed to hit theaters early May, but due to the butt fucking phenomenon known as COVID-19, ended up being a premium $19.99 PVOD rental instead in late May. Cut to only a month and a week later, and this movie was available to OWN this week for only $14.99 (see: my patience is virtue quote in my previous review of Trolls World Tour). Yes, I could’ve waited for another 12 days for the rental to go down to $5 or $6, but I read some casual moviegoers reviews saying that the movie is much better than critics like me or grumpy old people were making it out to me, so I took the gamble and just purchased to own. I’m glad that I did, because even though the movie has about a billion familiar story beats with a story that has been done a countless variation of times, I enjoyed every minute of it and would probably keep watching it as sort of a ‘guilty pleasure’ type deal.

Also, the marketing of this movie was way off base. IMDB describes the film as “A superstar singer and her overworked personal assistant are presented with a choice that could alter the course of their respective careers,” and that’s how the trailers and tv spots sold the movie as, but that’s really describing only HALF of the movie’s 1 hr and 52 minute run time. Dakota Johnson plays the personal assistant and Tracee Ellis Ross (daughter of the incredibly talented singer Diana Ross) plays the superstar and the movie markets itself as JUST the relationship between those two, a la The Devil Wears Prada, except that Ross’s character is much less of an asshole than Meryl Streep was. The real other half of the movie is about Dakota Johnson discovering some new musical talent while she’s out shopping for grocery’s for Ross, a guy named David Cliff, and their relationship as she lies to him, selling herself as an experienced movie producer, because it seems as though Ross’s character doesn’t take any of her career suggestions seriously and Johnson’s career is likely to go nowhere because of it. This is where the movie’s true heart lies, as the acting between Dakota Johnson and the actor that plays David Cliff, Kelvin Harrison Jr. really uplifts, takes flight, and never gets uninteresting. Sure, the stuff between Johnson and Ellis Ross is still there as the Plot A style story, but the resolution of it ends up pretty much how you’d expect, except for ONE HUGE twist that I didn’t see coming, but maybe probably should have.

Doing some research on the crew of the making of this movie, I found out that it was no surprise that I enjoyed this film more than I should’ve, because the director of this movie, a Ms. Nisha Ganatra, also directly the incredibly entertaining movie Late Night, that starred Emma Thompson and Mindy Kaling that came out last year. While I still prefer that film out of the two, mainly due to Mindy Kaling’s incredible screenplay writing ability (not her acting), this film reaches those entertaining heights pretty closely at times. While I don’t watch Blackish, Tracee Ellis Ross is really great here and Ice Cube has now finally been in something decent in awhile since the 21 Jump Street movies. Dakota Johnson though, I think, gives her best performance yet, kind of proving that she probably should’ve said no to that Fifty Shades trilogy when she got offered the part awhile ago. The banter is witty, the dialogue feels fresh although familiar, and the time just passes by as you watch this. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the music! While there are a couple of cover songs, most of the things sung in this, mostly by Kelvin Harrison Jr., was original, felt fresh, and had a fun beat. I am very happy the movie didn’t go the route of having the whole thing just be covers of songs we’ve heard too many times before. The High Note definitely ended on a high note for me, as my wife and I talked about how decent the film was, how much we enjoyed it, how others we know would enjoy it, and that we’d probably enjoy it just as much again on a re watch or two.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DESPERADOS (Netflix)

Good God, can it be next weekend already? Where two new streaming films, The Old Guard & Palm Springs, premiere literally a day before my birthday…and they’ve both already gotten decent reviews? Other than Hamilton on Disney+ this weekend…this new Netflix film…DESPERADOS premiered. And no, it’s not a foreign language film with subtitles. It’s a just a regular, stupid, cheap unfunny, masturbation gag a minute, sex joke romantic comedy about a trio of women looking for something more out of life than they have. And it’s mainly just the three of them, yelling and screaming out dirty stuff every half minute for the entire hour and 45 minute run time. It’s like an R rated version of Ghostbusters 2016, where women who are usually funny in other things improv too much and just yell random shit to see what sticks. And again, none of it does. It literally gave me a headache. And it is disappointing that former Saturday Night Live star Nasim Pedrad would accept this kind of role to play the lead…she must’ve really been desperate (pun intended) to land a job ever since her stint on New Girl went away a couple of years ago. She was great on Saturday Night Live, she maybe should’ve never left, as leaving for that John Mulaney failure of a sitcom was one of the worst career choices I’ve seen out of anyone. This movie is even worse. Speaking of being unable to get separated from New Girl, her love interest in this is the same guy (Lamorne Morris) that she ends up with in the series finale of that show. Did both of them just walk across the studio once the showrunners announced a series wrap for them? Anyway, here’s how to determine if this movie is for you or not: at one point mid way through, Nasim Pedrad gets humped by a dolphin at the edge of a boat and then the dolphin jumps and smacks his giant red aroused sea cock across her face. Did you laugh? I hope not.

Per IMDB, Desperados is described as: “A panicked young woman, with her reluctant friends in tow, rushes to Mexico to try and delete a ranting email she sent to her new boyfriend.” That new boyfriend is played by Robbie Amell, who looked like he did the filmmakers a favor and came over for a couple of breaks while shooting Amazon’s Upload. Completely wasted here. So are Nasim Pedrad’s two friends played by Barry’s Sarah Burns and Pitch Perfect’s Anna Camp. Their plot b and c stories of the former not being able to have a baby with her husband and going to a white woman shaman that’s supposed to give her medicine and/or advice to succeed and then the latter’s decision whether or not to leave her cheating husband are solved in seconds and then thrown to the side just as quickly. The white woman shaman is played by Heather Graham who looks like she doesn’t want to be there, and the ultimate climax (you’ll see pun intended) of the scene that happens between her and Anna Camp didn’t make any sense and was a little tasteless. The main plot of Nasim Pedrad trying to delete Robbie Amell’s e-mail was completely unbelievable and would never have happened. See the reason she wrote the hateful e-mail, is right after they have sex, it seems like he ignores her for 5 days. Instead, right after the e-mail is sent, he calls her and reveals he had an accident and was in a medically induced coma for 5 days. Oh but get this, the doctors don’t want him on the internet or for him to have his computer at all or his phone for a couple of days and just want him to rest and not stress out. The screenplay writers must’ve known this set up was a little hammy, as every few minutes they remind the audience through dialogue and just keep repeating he needs rest over and over. Never mind the fact that there are probably other people worried about him, he needs to rest. Fucking please, even I can’t come up with a way in which it could’ve worked. So Nasim Pedrad has a couple of days to find his phone or computer at the Mexico resort he was staying at, and really stupid shit keeps getting thrown at her so she can’t complete her goal, and that the movie isn’t so short. And she has time to “happen” to bump into a previous bad date at this resort (played by New Girl’s Lamorne Morris) and then start to have great adventures and conversations with him…you see where the movie ends up don’t you? I hope you do.

One of the scenarios that keeps Pedrad from her goal, is that she keeps running into a 12-13 year old that wants to have statutory rape sex with her and then that kids mom shows up a few seconds behind and yells and tries to beat Pedrad’s ass. And she keeps running into them and keeps running into them. It gets very old, very fast. The only decent part in the movie is the chemistry and conversations between Pedrad and Morris. They don’t lose a step going from being charming together in New Girl to being charming together in this, even though he plays it straight, and she’s the mess, where on the Fox show it was vice versa. Lamorne Morris is the best part of this movie, as he’s down to Earth and plays a pretty cool character. This is the second movie he’s stolen out from everyone, even in this shitty year of COVID-19, the first film being Bloodshot. They should give him more stuff to do, and that stuff needs to be in better films. Anyway, this movie is a complete waste of time unless you are an obnoxious woman or man that laughs at this low brow crude and crass comedy that isn’t even smartly written, and your men or women friends are just as stupid and obnoxious as you are. The woman who wrote this hasn’t done anything other than writing for THE FUCKING FAILURE SHOW THAT WAS THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT WAY BACK WHEN. No wonder. The director is a nobody too. Sorry I sound salty, this movie was just a completely waste of talents for everyone involved, and a complete waste of time for an audience that decided to press play. How can Netflix be that desperate (again, pun intended) to put horse shit like this on their platform? This is just one sliver better than Netflix’s The Wrong Missy…but not by much. One of the worst films of 2020.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE WILLOUGHBYS (Netflix)

Netflix sure is stepping up their game when it comes to animated originals. THE WILLOUGHBYS is a fantastic, fun, original, yet weird kids movie that premiered back on the service in April, yet I didn’t hear about it until a recent visit to a friends place in Oklahoma for the weekend. I saw the release date was 2020, and following a recommendation from those friends’ kids that weekend, I decided to check it out. Boy am I glad I did. I’m glad I also waited to watch it with my young son and my wife, because we got to enjoy it together as a family. It’s based on the book by the famous Lois Lowry (I have never heard of this till now, who knew, right?!) and per IMDB it describes the film as: “Convinced they’d be better off raising themselves, the Willoughby children hatch a sneaky plan to send their selfish parents on vacation. The siblings then embark on their own high-flying adventure to find the true meaning of family.” And the whole story is fast paced loveliness with a dash of weird. It has colorful characters, morals about family that don’t try to hit you over the head with the messages, nice original animation that wasn’t trying to rip off anyone else’s work, and fantastic voice work from everyone involved, including, but not limited to: Ricky Gervais, Martin Short, Jane Krakowski, Terry Crews, Maya Rudolph, Alessia Cara (with a wonderful singing voice as well), and Will Forte (who really needed this, as his portrayal of Shaggy in the disappointing Scoob! just recently released seemed to be trying a bit too hard). This and Onward are the only two memorable animated films of the year so far.

This might only be a 2 paragraph review, as I don’t really want to spoil any of the surprises this film has in store for you and yours. Just know that other than the ending, this families predicament is far from predictable. Some wacky shit happens, some really cute shit happens, some dark shit happens, people are accidentally killed (well, if you see certain scenes from my eyes they did), tears will be shed, and smiles will be spread from cheek to cheek. This 2nd time director, Kris Pearn, whose first effort was Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2, is not a newbie to the animation world, as he worked in the animation departments for a ton of projects like Arthur Christmas, Open Season, and the very underrated Titan A.E. He and his crew do wonderful work here, as this is a film I can see revisiting with my family over and over and over again. After this and Klaus at the end of last year, Netflix really has something going on correctly with their animation productions. Why can’t they take that positive momentum and apply it to the original film department? Or hell, even what they choose to buy from other studios to put on their platform? Needless to say, I’ll always be weary with a new live-action Netflix original. However, I’ll be eager to press the play button if a new release from them is animated.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SEBERG (Amazon Prime)

In the manner of which Chandler says sarcastic comments on the television show Friends: “Could this movie BE any more boring?” SEBERG is super duper boring and it shouldn’t have been with the amount of content the filmmakers could’ve pulled from real life young starlet Jean Seberg’s crazy fast life that tragically ended when she was 40. But no, the movie focuses too much on only 3 years of it, and saves the most interesting aspects to happen either off screen or saved for dumb title cards right before it cuts to end credits. And it’s a shame, because Kristen Stewart gives a hell of a performance, arguably her best yet. And it’s even more of a shame considering that Kristen Stewart is acting like she finally wants to be there in the spotlight of Hollywood’s most prestige actors/actresses, she’s just picking the wrong films to try and have a resurgence in her career. After all, she’s had to apologize for the Twilight Saga multiple times the past several years. The real problem with the movie is that it tells and not shows. The movie jumps in time a little too much and we are told, through just a couple of sentences of dialogue, what has happened to her, and as a audience we are supposed to pick up and imagine those pieces to try and catch up to the present time of where these people are at. Yeah, never ever do that in your movie. Ever.

Always try and show, especially if you have the ability to. And they very much had the ability. This is an Amazon Prime original film, and it is also gorgeously shot, showing the glitz and glamour of Seberg’s home life, with decadent giant houses filled with nice looking amenities. They had to have had the budget or could’ve asked for more, to film these certain scenes we are just told that happened (I don’t want to give these scenes away as they are spoilers to Ms. Seberg’s life, but if you looked her up on Wikipedia and then watched the movie, you’d know what I’m talking about). But no, we are just told, which to me as a film critic, is very frustrating and always almost unforgivable save if you have a low budget and can’t do much, like Amazon Prime’s other recent original movie: The Vast Of Night. I’m reviewing this film because like Just Mercy and Portrait Of A Lady On Fire, the release date is kind of blurry between late 2019 and 2020. Couldn’t not find one theater to see it in when it was out, and then just dumped on Amazon Prime mid May. Well, there is a reason for the random dump, the film isn’t that great. The film is directed by Benedict Andrews, who I’m not familiar with, but when looking at his history, he is mostly a stage play director, which makes total sense, as the whole movie feels like it could be a stage play.

IMDB.com describes Seberg as: “Inspired by real events in the life of French New Wave icon Jean Seberg, the late 1960s, Hoover’s FBI targeted her because of her political and romantic involvement with civil rights activist Hakim Jamal.” To elaborate further on IMDB.com’s description. Hakim Jamal was part of the Black Panther movement, which the FBI was deeply scared and paranoid would commit an act of domestic terrorism on white people at the time. The film has the paranoia down pat, and the FBI infiltrating her life is a little interesting, but other than that, it is a snooze fest, consisting of decent performances that are wasted on nothing to do. Anthony Mackie and Zazie Beetz are in this too, playing Hakim and his wife respectively, but Hakim and Seberg’s affair is kind of glossed over with two small throwaway scenes of Beetz telling Stewart/Seberg to back off. There is also a side B plot involving one of the FBI agents, played by Unbroken’s Jack O’ Connell, who actually begins to have sympathy for Seberg’s plight, unfortunately it feels like that sympathy is rushed and just shoved into the ending climax confrontation between him and Seberg. They should’ve just made a biography on her whole life, her rise and fall from fame, and made it a bit longer. This movie only clocks in at a little under an hr and 40 minutes, but it all feels really superficial. If that makes any sense to you. Reading up on her, her life was anything but superficial, and it’s a shame that this boring product is what we got from it.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: 7500 (Amazon Prime)

Ryan Reynolds in a box. Colin Ferrell in a phone booth. And now Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a cockpit. That’s Buried, Phone Booth, and now 7500. What do these three movies have in common? Almost their entire run times take place in these little claustrophobic places and all three leading men are in some sort of predicament to get out of them. And while 7500, which debuted exclusively on Amazon Prime a couple of weeks ago, is probably my least favorite of the three, it is still a very effective little thriller, although some of the choices the screenwriters make are questionable. At first these “advance the plot” choices seem to be very realistic and bold, but then they have characters make really stupid decisions in order to make the movie longer. This movie is about 92 minutes, and 10 could’ve easily been cut out of it. I know that many filmmakers with short films try to get to that solid and tight common 90 minute mark, but if you don’t have the material, you don’t have the material. There is one choice that Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character makes in the movie that will have you screaming your head off, shouting “why, why didn’t you do that?” over and over again. I can answer that question for all of us, it was strictly to extend the run time unnecessarily.

Per IMDB.com, it describes 7500 as: “When terrorists try to seize control of a Berlin-Paris flight, a soft-spoken young American co-pilot struggles to save the lives of the passengers and crew while forging a surprising connection with one of the hijackers.” A lot of the film is eerily realistic. The way the hijackers try to take over the plane is genius, especially in a world where it is near impossible to get guns, knives, or any other kind of weapon aboard a plane. A lot of the decisions they make and then the decisions that Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes in the process of these 90 minutes are hauntingly brilliant, except for one. Basically, without giving anything away, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a chance to kill one of the hijackers while he is knocked out, but instead just straps him into the dead head passenger seat. And it’s not really straps in more than it is buckling him up…where if JGL pays attention to the controls to try and find a way to land the plane safely, and then the terrorist wakes up…see what I’m getting at? Should’ve just killed that fucker. I would’ve. Other than that one really frustrating decision (I can think of plenty of ways to have advanced the plot to where it was without doing that), the rest of the movie is very solid.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt acts his ass off, and gives us one of his best performances ever. The film also takes some necessary risks. No character is safe in this, which is something I appreciated as well. The camera shots, angles, what have you, make the entire journey feel really claustrophobic to not just the characters, but to you on your couch at home. This isn’t a Hollywood-ized cockpit, where there is more room than necessary. They filmed inside a real cockpit, which as you know, doesn’t really have that much room. They way director Patrick Vollrath captured everything without cutting anything out of the frame at important times in the movie is unbelievable. Really good work on all sides. If I had one more complaint, is that I didn’t really care for Joseph Gordon-Levitt forging a surprising connection with one of the hijackers. If anything felt out of place in that movie, it was that and the dumb decision he made not to kill one of them early on. The acting when they were forging that connection seemed realistic and true enough, but I don’t know if I could see that happening in the situation that played out, seemed a little too convenient for me, but then again, that just could be me. Anyway, for a solid 92 minute film that mostly takes place in one location, it is a very tight and realistic thriller, just expect one or two moments of forced turbulence to take you off course for a couple of unneeded extra minutes.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: IRRESISTIBLE

How can Jon Stewart, one of the masters of political satire, with his long stint on The Daily Show at Comedy Central, write and direct such a mediocre film such as IRRESISTIBLE? It’s almost unforgivable. And while I never saw his first movie, Rosewater, more of a political drama than anything else, that debuted to lukewarm reviews in theaters several years ago…after seeing this, I don’t know if I want to take my chances. Like I mentioned in my previous review, My Spy, this is another film that was supposed to hit theaters late May, but is now instead a $19.99 48 hr rental on most streaming platforms. I initially was going to actually pay the $19.99 out of my own pocket (the only one I have rented at that hefty of a price tag was for The King Of Staten Island, and that was fortunately worth every penny). But then the reviews started to come out in advance of its 6/26 debut, and I decided to hold back. Thank Christ I did, as that Friday I entered several contests to win free rental codes to watch it, and I actually won three of those contests (don’t ask about/for the other two, already gave them to cinephile friends like myself). Do I recommend spending $19.99 to even those most die hard political activists that desperately want to check this out? Absolutely fucking not. The only thing I would recommend is watching the last 10 to 15 minutes of this film when it eventually comes on Netflix or something else. The late act twist and end credits is clearly what Jon Stewart was trying to write a whole fictional movie around, when instead he should’ve just made what would’ve been a much more interesting, and much more to say voice wise, documentary.

Jon Stewart would make an excellent documentary filmmaker. His fictional writing needs a shit load more work. Irresistable is very, very, very, very boring. Save for the last 10 to 15 minutes and end credits, this product is a total misfire. You know the saying “more bark than bite”? Here, there is absolutely no bite, and the bark is more like silent whimpers that you can only hear if your ear is right up to the canine’s snout. This movie is too on the nose with its political satire, jokes and insights. Everything that the film is trying to say, whether it’s how much money is wasted on political campaigns to how to manipulate the voters and the system, is just “no duh” logic here. The jokes aren’t witty, the dialogue isn’t witty, it just presents to you the facts that we already kind of know to be true, accompanied by lame punch lines that repeatedly ask the obvious question, “do…do you get it?” Yes, we fucking get it, and we knew all of this before hand Mr. Stewart. You had great insight whenever you were on The Daily Show, so why did you decide to write and direct a political satire with absolutely nothing new to say? Especially this election year, 2020, where you could’ve just made a documentary that represents the here and now on current candidates running in the fall? Why did we get a film that was just plain boring and unfunny? Mr. Stewart, if you ever read this, and you probably never will, let me give you some advice: do not write a fictional story around your “neat” plot twist that you came up with and did some real research on. You are only asking for trouble when any screenwriter/director does this. A plot twist not a movie make.

Per IMDB.com, Irresistible involves” “A Democratic strategist that helps a retired veteran run for mayor in a small, conservative Midwest town.” However, when the 2004 film Welcome To Mooseport (Gene Hackman’s last film that co-starred fucking Ray Romano when he hadn’t had his career resurgence yet with The Big Sick) is better than this garbage, and that film was a least somewhat enjoyable garbage, you know you have a problem. The only thing redeemable about this movie is the final twist that the movie was built from, the end credits, and Rose Bryne stealing every scene she is in, but what else is new with that? She’s not even in the movie enough for it to make a bit of a difference. Steve Carell and Chris Cooper, veterans of comedy and drama, don’t help matters much by completely being on autopilot the entire time. And that doesn’t make any sense with the former, as Carell and Stewart are best buddies from their time on The Daily Show. Surely Carell could’ve acted more like he wanted to be there. The main problem with this film is that, when you are supposed to be a comedy, and you barely elicited even a chuckle the entire hour and 40 minute run time, you are no longer a comedy, you are an absolute bore.

I’m serious though when I think Jon Stewart could make a powerful documentary. In the closing credits to this film, Jon Stewart briefly interviews a person that was in politics, and they discuss whether the twist in Jon Stewart’s film could actually happen. Sorry, not giving away that twist here. But what this real life person reveals, in just a few short sentences, was more shocking and more interesting than the entire film that came before it. And the info given to us wasn’t fictional, it didn’t have dolly shots or any interesting angles, it was just a camera on a guy, with a simple question being asked to them: “Can this happen?” And it was great. If Jon Stewart could take that, make it into a 90 to 120 minute political documentary, but have it deal with issues that are more relevant and interesting to what we are going through currently, he could honestly be the next Michael Moore. But with a more legitimate and less biased approach and voice. He could literally make a difference in the world with what he has to say. He did it with The Daily Show, what is stopping him now? I’ll tell you exactly what: a half-assed fictional satire story that will put you to sleep…one that nobody asked for or needed. Resist seeing this movie at all costs…maybe someday Stewart can give us something more powerful where we’ll end up not being able to help ourselves and listen.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MY SPY (Amazon Prime)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDyet another movie that didn’t get to premiere in theaters because of the asshole known as COVID-19. Without me dragging this review into extreme boredom by re-stating my theory in detail of why these studios are choosing to release these films straight to streaming instead of just waiting for theaters to reopen back up, I’ll just sum it up in 4 words: They aren’t any good. And that theory has been proven time and time again, except for one exception: The King Of Staten Island. I heard Trolls: World Tour sucked, I’m told that You Should Have Left sucked, the grapevine has told me that The High Note with Dakota Johnson wasn’t that great, I thought Scoob! was a massive disappointment, I thought The Lovebirds was mediocre, and I’m about to review another $19.99 premium rental after this that wasn’t very good, have I covered everything thus far? Now here we are at MY SPY, that instead of waiting for theaters to re open, was just dumped this past weekend on Amazon Prime. And unfortunately, it adds onto the pile of new premium VOD releases that haven’t been any good. But this review is going to come with a very special disclaimer: this film was never meant for me (Trolls: World Tour probably wasn’t either to be fair). But then that raises the question…who is this film really for?

The reason I ask that question is that this movie is rated PG-13 and has a pretty hefty amount of explosions, people getting shot and killed, stabbed, accidental knife throw injuries, and it even has a very shoddy looking CGI decapitated head flying across a screen. Yet, the movie is basically a love child of Cop And A Half & Kindergarten Cop (both superior to this, IMO), with enough goofy innocent shenanigans & banter between Bautista and child actress Chloe Coleman to make it a little less harmful than the two movies I just mentioned. So what, in my opinion only of course, is the age ranges of this movie? Now remember, before I answer that question, any movie that you put out on the market, the age range needs to expand more than a 10 year period. With My Spy, I’d say the age of enjoyment would only be from ages 6 to 10, and be only really appropriate with its PG-13 rating from ages 8 to 10. 10 years and older, will think that this film is silly and stupid, unless you are a teenager or an adult with a child like heart of gold. So when you do the math, that is only a 4 year range of enjoyment, with a 2 year range of appropriateness. Needless to say, that is not a very marketable movie for Hollywood studios. Because as I watched this with very minor enjoyment at a couple of scenes, I had trouble seeing this film make any sort of money whatsoever if it had debuted in theaters. Hence, I guess that’s why it was ultimately released on Amazon Prime.

But there were plenty of scenes while watching this where they could’ve cut some of the violence to get that coveted PG rating I think they were going for. There was unnecessary language at parts that could’ve been cut out. They didn’t need the decapitation gag for sure. And some of the deaths could’ve happened off screen. Due to the nature of the plot per IMDB.com, it really shouldn’t have been as violent as it was: “A hardened CIA operative finds himself at the mercy of a precocious 9-year-old girl, having been sent undercover to surveil her family.” That sounds like a goofy family friendly fun. Well it is goofy, a little too much for believability sake sometimes, but it isn’t that family friendly. Well, it is and it isn’t, you all with families will be the ultimate judge. I’m just reviewing the movie based on what I thought of it alone: it was a cheesy, cliched filled, nothing you haven’t seen before in a movie like this, dumb, one time-watch. It had a couple of moments of chuckled originality, but isn’t that great in terms of quality by any means. Dave Bautista at least looks like he wanted to be there, this is the most tolerable I’ve ever been in regards to the performance of Ken Jeong, Kristen Schaal is still playing her annoying character from The Last Man On Earth, and kid actor Chloe Coleman steals all of the scenes she is in.

The film is directed okay, although a lot of the action scenes are very CGI sketchy and kind of bland in terms of location shooting and choreography. This needed to be directed by an action director that can also do a bit of comedy, of which Peter Segal is the latter but not the former. He’s directed only two of, what you would call, “action pictures.” The Naked Gun 3 and Get Smart, both of which weren’t very good. I’d say this is on par with those. An okay effort, but mainly fruitless. There is a lot more of you out there that will totally disagree with me on this, and that is okay, like I said, this movie wasn’t made for me. I was just bored on a Saturday afternoon and I figured, okay, if I watch this with my wife in the room, this would’ve been like paying $20 on a night out at the theater, but it is now for free since it went straight to streaming. That’s what this film will ultimately be known for to me, that it saved me $20. Will I revisit it after a little time has passed and when Grayson is a little older? Maybe between those ages I talked about above. It also depends on his taste at the time. But will I ever seek this movie out again for pure enjoyment? Absolutely fucking not. Look on the bright side, at least it was better than Dave Bautista’s last film, which was a little R rated comedy called Stuber. How a PG-13 kids film was better than that garbage, I will never know. I spy, with my little eye, a film that will be forgotten in a few months time.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: EUROVISION SONG CONTEST – THE STORY OF FIRE SAGA (NETFLIX)

If someone were to put a needle in my arm, filled with COVID-19, and say to me, “you have to review EUROVISION SONG CONTEST: THE STORY OF FIRE SAGA in only one sentence or we are going to expose you to this virus,” well, the current me would say, “go ahead, make my day.” But if I were in a better mood I’d confess, “The movie is only worth watching once because of Rachel McAdams and Dan Stevens alone, Will Ferrell is awful in it, and the second half is better than the first.” I think they’d allow me a run on sentence, don’t you agree? I think that sentence describes the film excellently. If Rachel McAdams weren’t in it and if she just wasn’t just so damn charming as hell, this whole movie would’ve been another Will Ferrell clusterfuck. Because he is annoyingly awful in it. Like you want to choke him to death just so he’ll shut the fuck up kind of awful. This is another one of his long title comedies, and he used to be able to get away with just yelling random shit that made absolutely no sense. That was only acceptable (and sometimes hilariously funny) more than a decade ago. It no longer works. And while the film has a pretty solid 2nd half (we get some good random jokes that are paid off well from the beginning), the first half is so boring, awful, and goes nowhere to the point that I just can’t quite recommend it. That is, unless you are a die hard Rachel McAdams fan, which I certainly am. So do I or don’t I? Depends on my mood.

Per IMDB.com, Eurovision Song Contest is described as: “When aspiring musicians Lars and Sigrit are given the opportunity to represent their country at the world’s biggest song competition, they finally have a chance to prove that any dream worth having is a dream worth fighting for.” Will Ferrell is Lars and Rachel McAdams are Sigrit, and while Ms. McAdams plays the part convincingly, charmingly, and acts like she wants to be there, Will Ferrell is…too much there. If that makes any sense. Compared to McAdams, his Iceland accent is abysmal, and while her facial expressions convey well to the written word of her character, Ferrell seems to put on a new face every couple of seconds, throwing anything at the wall to see what sticks. But nothing does, and this ultimately makes his character a non-character. Just a lame impression you put on at cocktail parties, trying to get a laugh out of a drunken moment between friends, and nothing more. But here, the audience is stone cold sober, and we couldn’t care less. Dan Stevens plays a rival musician from Russia, and he, along with Ms. McAdams, steals every scene that he is in, the movie just needed a better lead. And a better co-writer. Will Ferrell co wrote this with an individual named Andrew Steele. I have a feeling that Ferrell only got a screenplay writing credit because of his improv. Andrew Steele probably wrote the only decent parts of the story. He should’ve given the script to a better comedian instead of Ferrell, you probably just pointed at different parts of the script and said, “I think I’ll just yell and scream something insignificant here.”

The first half is not funny at all, except for a boat explosion, and the movie only gets by because of Rachel McAdams and the believable charming innocence of her character. She literally lifts up the movie on her shoulders. Had she not been in it, I would’ve probably turned it off at minute 20. That’s another complaint, at a little over too hours, the movie is way too long. Could’ve been a much more solid 95 minutes. When you watch it, notice how things that should happen at the start of the 3rd act happen when there is still an hour left of the film, only half way through. The film has very odd pacing issues and it drags in moments that should’ve been entirely cut out of the film. The music & songs, written by Demi Lovato’s (she has a fun little cameo in the movie) song writer, are actually quite good and they keep parts of the movie, that would’ve just dragged everything even further, somewhat afloat. It’s the second half that picks up steam when it actually gets to the heart of the contest, the semi-finals and finals, with cool performances from what I can only guess are real contestants that have actually performed at the real Eurovision Contests in years past and present. Combine those interesting moments with some God damn hilarious elf and ghosts jokes and you’ll probably find yourself chuckling if not laughing out loud a few times toward the end. If only the first half had matched the pacing and wit of the climax.

The film is directed by David Dobkin, director of Wedding Crashers, his first comedy since 2011’s The Change Up (a guilty pleasure for me, it’s that Ryan Reynolds/Jason Bateman hard R-Rated body switch movie). While everything seemed to me to be just a point and shoot affair, I liked that there was a lot of location shooting in Iceland and possibly at the place where the real Eurovision Song Contest was held. While there was definitely some green screen effects whenever the characters were on boats, the exterior shots of the gorgeous landscapes of Iceland and showing that the actors were actually there was a nice little touch. If you go into this expecting something akin to classics of Will Ferrell’s past such as Anchorman 1 or Talladega Nights or even something like Wedding Crashers, you will come out very disappointed. The film is rated PG-13 and it isn’t really even a hard PG-13, not to say that a harder rating would’ve automatically made this film much better, but I really would’ve liked to see this movie go to darker, raunchier, and funnier places than it ended up going. And Will Ferrell needs to fucking tone it down a bit. You can tell he’s getting desperate for laughs, but in his desperation he is tripping over his own feet. If he keeps this up any longer, he is going to end up flat on his face, no longer able to get up, and his career will end up being an awful dumpster fire saga.