Tag: The Last Days Of American Crime

Zach’s Zany FINAL Top 20 Shittiest Films of 2020 (A year that is the epitome of shit)

As Obi-Wan Kenobi would say, “Hello there.” Yes, after a little longer than a month now, I’m back to writing something a bit longer than the little review blurbs that I have been putting out on Facebook and Instagram recently. If you were used to reading my stuff on here and wondering where the hell I’ve been, I’ve been still doing reviews, but on a much smaller scale, two to three sentences, with a number grade of 0 to 10 at the end (have even gone into negative numbers if I truly loathed a film this year). I just got…tired…of saying the same old shit. “Yay,” this movie was good, “boo,” it was bad. No matter what kind of spin I put on my descriptive words, it all boiled down to the same thing. I don’t know why I just stopped, I guess 2020 has finally made me tired after all these years. I also figured I would have a lot more time in my life if I made my thoughts short and simple. If you are bummed about that, I’m sorry…but you can always follow or like my Facebook page, Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews, or you can follow me on Instagram @zachszanymoviereviews. The choice is yours, and I’d be happy to give you a follow back on your business Facebook page or Instagram page if you come randomly give me a follow or like. Fuck Twitter, I got rid of that bullshit two months ago, and I don’t regret it. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I think two social media options are enough for those that know me. But don’t worry, every once in a while I will come back. Like now. I know this is a little early but I’ve calculated what I have left to watch by New Year’s Eve and I figured it was pretty safe to go ahead and publish this list, as the only handfull of films I have left to watch don’t seem like they are bad enough to be worse than my #20 pick. I will write only a sentence or two of why these particular movies of 2020 are on my hate list, so no need to fret, it isn’t a redo of the 3 to 5 paragraph reviews that just dragged on and on of what I already wrote months ago. So without further ado, without further delay, here are my final top 20 shittiest films of 2020 and why they are a shit cake, covered in a shit frosting year due to COVID, with a shit candle on top with how utterly depressed and moody I’ve been for the past 10 months. Enjoy!

20. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT

If you’ve ever wondered how bored you could get with a horror movie that happens to star Kevin Bacon, wonder no more. This is it. While Bacon is fine in it, it’s writer/director David Koepp that maybe needs to take a break from film making, as he gave us yet another haunted house/rental house film that manages to stand out in the sea of them in a bad way…by being utterly pointless…with snores galore.

19. MULAN

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Disney. I could end my quick blurb there but I want to put in a word of how utterly stupid it was of Disney to make this film cost $30 premiere access on their + streaming service, and then release it to regular subscribers a mere 3 months later at no extra cost. Stupid. You thought they learned their lesson when they are releasing Soul on Christmas Day for free yet they are going to try it again with Raya And The Last Dragon in March. Shameful. Oh yeah, Mulan kicks a spear mid air with super human strength into a guy’s chest mid way through the film, and then an arrow at the climax. If that makes you scrunch up your face…then I don’t need to say anything more.

18. HUBIE HALLOWEEN

Adam. Sandler. Netflix. Original. Movie. Got it? Good.

17. SECRET SOCIETY OF SECOND BORN ROYALS

Holy shit, this isn’t even worth watching for free on Disney+. Literally the worst thing that has debuted on the platform. It should’ve been buried at 2 am on a Saturday on the Disney channel.

16. KAJILLIONAIRE

I hate movies that are quirky and odd just for the sake of “art.” Artsy fartsy just for the sake of being artsy fartsy. Gets on my fucking nerves. Especially boring ones that by the time the end credits roll make you want to blow your brains out. Evan Rachel Wood’s voice in this will haunt your nightmares.

15. JOHN HENRY

Not even Ludicris’ golden jaw could save this movie with its utterly ridiculous and terrible storyline of protecting strangers that we’ve all seen too many times before, terrible misogynist dialogue, terrible action, and a terrible frowny face Terry Crews who knew exactly what kind of movie he signed up for.

14. INFAMOUS

Bella Thorne is a terrible fucking actress. There, I said it. But if I was single would I sleep with her? That’s a good question. My answer has been on both sides of the fence on that. I know what side of the fence I’m on with this film though: terrible. Used to be at the top of my worst list earlier in the year, but I kept coming back to the fact that it was at least shot well. It’s social media message though is bogged down in unrealistic resolutions…and again, Bella Thorne is fucking terrible in this movie.

13. DANGEROUS LIES

If you ignore everything else about the movie, and just watch Riverdale’s Camila Mendes walk her gorgeous self around mostly an empty house for 96 minutes, you may survive it? Or you could just watch Riverdale, which I haven’t seen but can probably bet that it’s at least 10 times more entertaining than this schlock.

12. FATAL AFFAIR

Another redo of Fatal Attraction, but with African Americans and horribly written dialogue. Nia Long and Omar Epps should be ashamed of themselves for signing up for this shit.

11. FANTASY ISLAND

This had some promise before the movie starting playing, flipping the classic television show on its head by remaking into a horror/thriller with a character twist I didn’t see coming, but the execution is worse than in a butcher shop on a hot day. As I always end up saying, “Better luck next time.”

10. THE PRINCESS SWITCH: SWITCHED AGAIN

Vanessa Hudgens is definitely a better actress than Bella Thorne. But they both have such a slutty presence on their social media pages, I’m also on the fence of whether I would sleep with her or not if single. Maybe as long as I could call her Gabriella during it? Anyway, this is easily the most cash grabby, lazy, pathetic, stupid, and unnecessary sequel of 2020.

9. THE GRUDGE

STOP FUCKING REMAKING HORROR MOVIES (although this was more of a side-quel), DUMPING THEM IN CINEMAS IN JANUARY AND EXPECT THEM TO PERFORM WELL WITH AUDIENCES. THEY DON’T. BECAUSE THEY SUCK SUPERNATURAL BALLS!!!

8. THE SLEEPOVER

Just lazy and stupid kids horseshit that happens to star a couple of recognizable names such as Malin Akerman and Joe Manganiello, where the kids are supposed to be at the forefront of the film, but the celebrities just can’t help themselves and have to make it all about them. This film was so dumb I wanted a plane to crash into my house and land on me as I watched it.

7. THE MAIN EVENT

(see description for #8 but take out the recognizable names and add a WWE family friendly theme)

6. THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME

What was supposed to be a two and a half hour action crime epic, has hardly any action and a ridiculous premise that constantly breaks its own rules that it sets up. It tries to treat us as if we are that stupid, and I LOATHE that shit.

5. THE LAST THING HE WANTED

What was this movie? I still don’t know. Nothing is explained, Ben Affleck and Anne Hathaway look like they want to kill themselves, and it all leads to a dour and undeserved dumb ending that was “supposed” to be shocking and sad. The last thing I wanted was to have ever seen this stupid fucking movie.

4. THE SWING OF THINGS

I watched this specifically for Olivia Culpo. If you don’t know who that is, look her up and you’ll see why. Never again. Worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade. The writer/director of this needs to STOP WRITING/DIRECTING and the editor of this needs to STOP EDITING.

3. THE WAR WITH GRANDPA

Basically the kid family friendly comedy equivalent to The Swing Of Things (and the next movie on this list). Just fucking awful. Robert DeNiro, Rob Riggle, Uma Thurman, Laura Marano, Cheech Marin, and Christopher Walken should be ashamed of themselves and refund everybody’s money that paid to go see this utter disaster. In the middle of the pandemic no less.

2. THE WRONG MISSY

Oh, did I speak too soon with saying The Swing Of Things was the worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade? Both films are constantly telling the other to hold its beer. I kept switching it back and forth, but the reason why I put The Wrong Missy higher on my shit list, is because there are some friends on Facebook and in person that actually LIKE this movie and LAUGHED during it. That’s offensive to me. So I’m going to say something offensive to even the odds. If you liked The Wrong Missy, you are probably on the spectrum.

  1. THE PROM

I’m going to get some flack for this one, but I really don’t give a shit. Other than the performance of Jo Ellen Pellman (when if you look back at this and study it closely, even though she’s the main subject of the movie, she’s hardly in it), this movie is offensively bad. Meryl Streep is bad. Kerry Washington is bad. Andrew Rennells is bad. Keegan-Michael Key is bad. Nicole Kidman is bad. James Corden is abysmal and I now loathe him as a human being. The musical numbers are terrible, save for one that just features Pellman, which finally had the other celebrities shut the fuck up and not appear at all during it. That’s the problem with this movie. Other than the “you shouldn’t be afraid of who you are, fight for it, especially if you are a homosexual” message of the movie, there is a 2nd almost as big of message….that clearly states “celebrities shouldn’t make good causes about themselves.” YET THE MOVIE STILL MAKES IT ALL ABOUT THE CELEBRITIES AND NOT THE HIGH SCHOOL GIRL WHO IS A LESBIAN THAT IS TRYING TO GO TO HER PROM IN A BIGOTED AND CLOSE MINDED STATE AND TOWN!!! EVEN THE FUCKING POSTER TO THIS MOVIE IS ONLY CELEBRITIES AND DOES NOT FEATURE ACTRESS JO ELLEN PELLMAN!!! This whole film was a terrible ruse, and I feel sorry for anyone out there that related to Jo Ellen Pellman’s character and how scary it can be to come out to everyone you know and/or love. Especially during the dark times of High School. This movie should’ve stayed a stage play. It makes me curious how that would play out if watching it live. I can probably guarantee you, much better than this. Ryan Murphy needs to take a rest and get rid of his smugness. It’s starting to get in the way of his creativity if it hasn’t already. The Prom is a muddled and confusing mess and I’d rather watch any other movie on this list than it again. Despite its good intentions. Which are still in there despite being surrounded by the smelliest and dirtiest shit you have ever had to endure in your life.

P.S. If the year 2020 were an actual movie, which it seems like it was to some, it would definitely take the #1 spot…no question. Fuck you 2020. I hope Donald Trump rapes and butt fucks you when the door hits you both on your way out.

Thanks for reading. – Zach

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME (Netflix)

THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME is probably the most ill timed movie of 2020 so far. Maybe even the past decade, I’d have to do some research. I’m surprised Netflix didn’t pull or postpone its release to be honest. We’ll get to why in a moment. It is also way too long, convoluted, the rules of the plot device don’t make any sense and contradicts itself constantly, it takes too long to get to the heist climax, the dialogue and narration is Screenplay 101 levels of awful, not enough action, etc. etc. etc. There are only two things about it that are redeemable. Michael Pitt’s Nicolas Cage-like wacko of a performance, and director Olivier Megaton’s camera work and editing has grown much more steady and less choppy, but that’s about it. This is another one of those films that had smarter minds had a crack at adapting the graphic noves this was based upon, we might’ve had truly something special and epic. This film is 2 and a half hours long, and it acts like it is supposed to be an epic crime film, but it tries so hard and ends up failing so fast to the point where it loses its ‘epic-ness’ before even a half hour has gone by. Something to compare it to? It’s a poor man’s Heat rip off with a minor sci-fi twist that ends up tangling itself in multiple knots.

Rotten Tomatoes describes this film the best: “As a final response to terrorism and crime, the U.S. government plans to broadcast a signal making it impossible for anyone to knowingly commit unlawful acts. Graham Bricke (Edgar Ramírez) teams up with famous gangster progeny Kevin Cash (Michael C. Pitt) and a black market hacker Shelby Dupree (Anna Brewster), to commit the heist of the century and the last crime in American history and escape to Canada (who isn’t participating) before the signal goes off.” The biggest problem of the whole film? The ‘rules’ of the signal. They are messy, convoluted, don’t make a whole lot of sense, and constantly contradicts its own rules. For example, there is this one scene where a woman is fighting with a cop and she can’t kill him because the signal is turned on, but then once that situation has been resolved, THE SIGNAL STILL ON MIND YOU, she is able to blow of a government computer system. Uhhhh…that is knowingly committing a crime right? How is she not able to kill the cop one minute but blow up government property the next? Doesn’t. Make. Any. Fucking. Sense. The reason for me saying that this movie is ill timed is in part because of one of the rules of the signal and the apocalyptic protests present within the film. It all gave me an uneasy feeling, and not in the way it was probably supposed to. Another one of the plot points of this signal is that law enforcement gets implants in their necks near their spinal cord so that when the frequency is activated, it has no affect. So basically the cops out there that don’t have the best intentions at heart, can conceivably get away with crimes/murder themselves. Who ends up watching over them? None of this premise or story was really fleshed out with a lot of thought to be sure. With what happened last and this week and all the protests going on, in the words of Chandler on Friends, “could it BE any more ill timed?”

How to have fixed this movie? First off, it should’ve been a trimmed down to a little under 2 hours. Secondly, probably shouldn’t have been released this week. The rest is an entire overhaul of the premise, the dialogue, the rules of the signal, and better character development. Especially a re do of when the story takes place. I understand that the movie had to take place while the signal was in the final stages of testing and only at the very end to have it activated, because the other elements wouldn’t have worked. But wouldn’t it have been more interesting to concoct a story where the signal has already been activated for some time? A story of outsiders far away from the United States, looking in for one huge score? Now that would’ve been interesting. It also would’ve been a great way to think things through and have air tight rules about how the signal can make or break you, and ways around it. If you held a gun to my head and told me right now to list all the rules of the signal with this particular movie that makes sense and that actually follows the precedents set before it, you might as well pull the trigger. Other than Michael Pitt’s bat shit crazy performance, the acting is okay, and the actors do a good enough job of not looking like they are cringing saying the flat dialogue. Edgar Ramirez barely speaks anyway, unfortunately he is always going to be cast as the silent brute force with not much to say. Anna Brewster is just there to look hot and get naked in yet another obligatory un-needed sex scene. The one person who is absolutely wasted here is Sharlto Copley, who was amazing in District 9 and other small supporting roles. Here, his role seems like it might be important, but then just ends up being an after thought. You’ll see.

The direction isn’t to blame at all here. In fact, it’s probably Olivier Megaton best looking film to date. If you don’t know who he is, he is the one that directed Transporter 3 and Taken 2 & 3. The worst films of those franchises. In those films the action has too much shaky cam and is edited piss poorly just to hide how much non action there is. Here though, mostly everything is steady cam. With what little action there is, at least it is shot professionally, and the scenes have time to breathe, the audience being able to tell this time which bullet is flying where. The cinematography is decent as well. It’s a sleek looking film, only it isn’t sleek because the entire rest of it is very, very rough. That’s the screenplays fault, and it might even be the graphic novel it is based upon’s fault. I would need to do research on the latter and I don’t have the time or interest to. It shouldn’t take 2 hrs and 10 minutes to get to a not complicated yet convoluted heist, where there isn’t that many steps in getting away with billions of dollars apparently. Since I’ve only seen the movie, I’m going to have to blame screenwriter Karl Gujdusek, which is disappointing considering he wrote the half way decent Tom Cruise vehicle Oblivion, and an episode or two of Stranger Things. Yet then again he wrote The November Man… So if you decide to watch this 2 and a half hour epic non epic low-key mild science fiction heist action sort of apocalyptic thriller, and was bored and disappointed as much as me… that’s not my fault. I gave you all the signals.