Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: FATAL AFFAIR (Netflix)

How many times do you think they’ll try and remake Fatal Attraction and just keep making everything dumb and dumber? What have we gotten, copy cat wise, since that Michael Douglas/Glenn Close cult classic of so long ago? Swimfan, Obsessed, The Perfect Stranger, Poison Ivy, Sleeping With The Enemy, The Hand That Rocks The Cradle, Fear, Derailed, Sliver, Disclosure, Addicted, Basic Instinct, A Perfect Murder, Single White Female, Unfaithful, Body Chemistry, Killing Me Softly, The Crush, Bitter Moon, Eyes Wide Shut, Final Analysis, Jade, Body of Evidence, Secret Obsession, Say Nothing, The Housemaid, The Last Seduction, Black Widow (1987), Unlawful Entry, and Stone. Get the picture? One could even argue that Fatal Attraction itself is a carbon copy of movies such as Play Misty For Me and Body Heat. The new Netflix film, FATAL AFFAIR, is the lowest of the low. I mean, it just replaces one word of Fatal Attraction and uses another A word to get the title and point across. How lazy is that shit? The characters in this do and say so many dumb unbelievable things you can’t even suspend your belief to try and get through it. And the climax is one of the most laughably stupid things I have ever watched in a thriller like this in quite some time. No matter how many times you try and do Fatal Attraction, whether it be that you switch up gender or race, it is always going to be a half assed product that brings absolutely nothing new to the genre. This easily is one of the worst films of 2020. Netflix will just dump anything on its streaming platform. I wonder if one of these times it will end up being fatal for them?

Doubt it. Netflix isn’t going anywhere. But really, did they think that a film written and directed by the old crusty white dude that wrote and directed last year’s awful, awful Secret Obsession, which is yet another carbon copy of Fatal Attraction, would’ve been any better? Of course fucking not! It’s worse. It will ALWAYS be worse. IMDB describes Fatal Affair as such: “Ellie tries to mend her marriage with her husband Marcus after a brief encounter with an old friend, David, only to find that David is more dangerous and unstable than she’d realized.” This brief encounter it describes was basically almost, but not quite even that, just the tip in a “too clean to believe” night club bathroom. And you can probably guess where the film goes from there without even having to watch a minute more. The only actor/actress that is going to come out unscathed is probably the wonderfully beautiful and never aging Nia Long. She is the only person in this that tries to earn her paycheck and actually sheds tears and scream on the occasions that she needs to. It’s funny that Omar Epps plays the psychopath in this as he and Nia Long have played lovers in a couple of other long ago films. I bet they couldn’t find anybody and Nia and him are such good friends that she just speed dialed his ass and offered a quick and easy pay check. You can tell he did this as a favor and to just hang out with Nia on set and catch up on old times, as he is the most wooden actor in this, he looks bored and tired in every scene, and it seems like he just memorized his lines right before “Action!” was yelled.

I don’t even want to talk about this movie anymore. You get it. If you read the description and watch the trailer before you hit play, you know exactly what you are getting into and it is absolutely your fault if you feel like gouging your own eyes out. I’m even warning you here. It’s just Fatal Attraction cliche upon Fatal Attraction cliche, with a Fatal Attrachtion cliche cherry on top. It is shit cake with shit frosting, with shit, shit, shit, shit, shit all covered in whatever the shit. Anybody that gets their kicks out of a movie like this or The Wrong Missy is the problem with the movie going society today. You eat that cheap shit up and you are going to get more of that cheap shit to eat up, and you punish all the movie going people that look for more in their entertainment. Like me. I only watch this to warn you all not to watch it. I wasn’t going to watch it until this ended up being in the Netflix top ten the almost full week it has been out. I keep tricking myself. I see this in the top ten and I think, “could I be wrong for once and this film end up being a guilty pleasure?” I don’t know how many times I’ve been fooled and it isn’t likely to be the last. This movie is a joke, like me and a very good friend of mine got drunk or high one night and wrote this film in an hour as a joke, and then Netflix executives somehow read it and un-jokingly bought it. If you watch and like this movie, you are KILLING US. Your entertainment value is…pun intended…fatal.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE TRUTH

THE TRUTH is that this review is going to be short because there really isn’t much to say about it. I can tell you that due to this whole COVID-19 situation, the Oscars is going to have very few choices of nominees come the beginning of next year, and this new film is buzzed about to be one of the few of them. Ethan Hawke and Juliette Binoche are in this, as supporting characters, but the movie is mostly in the French language with English subtitles. When Ethan Hawke is on screen, some plain English is spoken, but he seemed to be boozed out of his mind the entire time, his brief appearances in this likely the excuse for a French atmospheric vacation. I can also tell you that the main actress in this, Catherine Deneuve is the one getting the acting buzz and the screenplay is also getting some chatter. And she is indeed good, and the film does have some good dialogue and emotional exchanges between characters. Would I watch this film again? No. The film, according to IMDB, is described as such: “A stormy reunion between scriptwriter Lumir with her famous mother and actress, Fabienne, against the backdrop of Fabienne’s autobiographic book and her latest role in a Sci-Fi picture as a mother who never grows old.” With, the director, Hirokazu Koreeda, I’ve only seen one other of his films, the much, much superior movie titled Shoplifters, which was nominated for Best International Feature at the Academy Awards several years ago. The direction and screenwriting from him here is solid, I just prefer the other film.

I think the reason why I’m going to ultimately, probably not give this is a recommendation is because I hated the main character. She’s just another one of those “neglectful mother family members that are so set in their ways that you can’t even talk back to them or tell them off because they would just make the situation worse than it already was before, so you have to just take it up the ass and deal with it.” I cannot stand people set in their ways. There is always room for change for me, and to see people refuse to see things from a different point of view and not even budge infuriates me to no end. I have to deal with it constantly in real life (not you Mom & Dad, if you read this) and it makes me so mad I just want to throw my fist through a wall. These people, if they start to show any type of change whatsoever, it really isn’t change and there was an ulterior motive for their slight alteration in their behavior. That’s basically what the entire hour and 47 minutes of this film is. An older woman set in ways that bitches about her career, doesn’t feel any remorse for some of the terrible and questionable things she has done, and doesn’t change in the end. Constantly fighting with her daughter, telling her the American TV actor she married is no good, and also had just finished a book, most of the experiences in her life a flat out lie (hence the title). The acting from everyone is solid, and the dialogue and direction is crisp and clear…it’s a well made film for sure, but the truth is I never want to watch it again, let alone talk about it again, because of the real memories it stirs up on other people in my life that just refuse to accept a different way to think and feel once in awhile.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: FIRST COW

FIRST COW is a good movie to be sure, a very slow burn that rewards the viewer’s patience in the second half, however I’m not so sure I’d go as far to say it’s Oscar worthy. It’s a solid film I’d likely watch a few more times, but I can’t see it’s name being called when the Best Picture winner is announced later next year. It’s not Oscar worthy to me because of a few complaints I’ll get to here in a minute, and I feel that maybe I watched the film after already being on board the over hype train the past couple of months. It was quickly taken out of theaters because of the pandemic and the studio was waiting to see if theaters would open up soon after so that they could just put it back in. Alas, it was not meant to be. The critics and others who saw it though praised it as the film that could “go all the way to gold this year.” A24 finally gave up and released it VOD back on July 10th. I finally got around to watching it yesterday. And yes, I enjoyed it. The acting is solid and so is the friendship between the two lead characters, but it felt like a couple of things were missing. Namely, this film does that thing that I absolutely hate: it shows a scene way way way in the future and then it goes back in time and tells the story to get to that place in time. Only movie off the top of my head that does this where I ended up forgiving it was Inception. To me, when you do that, it takes out the mystery of what might have happened to these characters, unless a twist is revealed showing that what you saw you didn’t really see (i.e. Inception). But this being a drama, there is no twist. It is what it is.

Per IMDB, its log line for First Cow is as follows: “A skilled cook has traveled west and joined a group of fur trappers in Oregon, though he only finds true connection with a Chinese immigrant also seeking his fortune. Soon the two collaborate on a successful business.” That successful business is basically stealing milk from the one and only cow in the area and charging up the wazoo for homemade buttermilk biscuits. The movie is such a slow burn though that it really doesn’t get to the story until about an hour into the lengthy two hour film. There are a lot of shots that seemingly go on for minutes and some of them go nowhere. For instance, there is a two to three minute shot of a boat on a river. This is at the beginning of the film. It’s an establishing shot, but it shouldn’t have gone as long as it did. The film does this several times within the first hour, but thankfully in the second half, even though the long shots continue, they seem to actually have a purpose. Again, that is the reward for the viewers that have stuck with the film this far. The friendship between the Chinese immigrant and the skilled cook is the best part about this film, however when the film splits them apart several times, which it really shouldn’t have done (mostly in the climax of the film too), the pacing seemed to be a bit off for me. Maybe though that could just say something about the movie in that it successfully got me invested in the characters, where I really didn’t want them to split up. So in the end, consider that critique of mine minor.

However, other than the beginning flash forward of the film, the story, while solidly told, is very predictable and doesn’t really go the lengths it needed to, in my opinion. The beginning of the film, should’ve really been placed at the end and it would’ve had a more emotional impact for me. When it cuts to black/end credits, I said out loud, “yeah I know that’s it, but it shouldn’t be.” Again, you could see the film much more differently than I and might end up thinking I’m out of my mind. I have not seen director Kelly Reichardt’s other films, but she does an excellent job here. She knows how to frame a scene to show the viewer and not just tell what is going on. She just did a little too much of a slow burn though. She co-wrote the screenplay with the novels author, and it’s a solidly structured product, albeit a little too predictable for my tastes. I was trying to come up with a curve ball the story could’ve thrown at the characters, and came up with quite a few, yet the story unfortunately never went there, it just traveled down a path I’ve walked along too many times before while watching movies. The chemistry between actors John Magaro and Orion Lee is undeniable and is definitely worth the price of admission. That is to say if it does get nominated for a bunch of things next year, I wouldn’t be totally against it. I just feel it’s being a little overpraised for what it is. But I’m glad I watched it and will be watching it again if it does get nominated early next year, to see if I missed anything I didn’t catch on my first viewing. It wouldn’t be a first if that happens.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE BEACH HOUSE (Shudder)

So THE BEACH HOUSE is the first Shudder Original Film that has been making waves across all social media as actually being quite a decent little horror flick. Not only for the streaming service but as a film in general. So what do I do? My cheap ass signs up for the 7 day free trial, downloads the app, then cancels the membership immediately so it doesn’t charge me $5 a month when I forget about it in a week, watch only this film, and then delete the app and get it out of my life until the next buzzed about film comes out. Then I’ll just use a different e-mail to sign up. It’s in the 70 something percent range in Rotten Tomatoes so I thought people could’ve been right, then again, the horror film Relic released last week to rave reviews, and I didn’t care much for it. So what about The Beach House? I’ll answer that question with a question. Is it just me, or is everybody kind of tired of pandemic ‘horror’ films right now due to the situation we are in? If not, I certainly am. While the film is very adequately made, a half way decent slow burn, and makes good use of practical effects for once, when the end credits rolled, an “eh” escaped from my lips. While it is better than this past weekend’s Relic, I think I just am not into ‘pandemic like’ films right now, especially horror ones. Will it stay that way once this is all over? Right now, my gut tells me yes.

And that feeling is honestly being a little unfair to this movie. It was made long before COVID-19. It’s decent. And I’m going to go ahead and give it a recommendation to you, my zany readers, because it is more ambitious than the other shit I saw offered on Shudder as I scrolled around its library. And the practical effects, in the big pay off second half of the film, were very well done. Also this film has some gorgeous cinematography and shots. But kind of like, fuck, maybe almost exactly like Color Out Of Space, I didn’t really care for the characters and their plight, the dialogue, there was not enough that was explained, it didn’t have a clear set of rules, and the slow burn was a little too…well…”slow burn-y”? I definitely will not recommend that you watch this while eating or have just eaten. And I definitely will not recommend this to you if you in any way, shap, or form are either A. Squemish (especially right now with COVID-19) or B. Just tired of the pandemic so much that anything remotely even possibly relating to it will dig up bad memories for you. Other than that, if this description from IMDB peaks your interest, I will tell you to go ahead and give it a gander: “A romantic getaway for two troubled college sweethearts turns into a struggle for survival when unexpected guests – and the surrounding environment – exhibit signs of a mysterious infection.”Although I didn’t care for the characters, the actors were halfway decent, especially the lead girl, played by Liana Liberato. This would be director Jeffrey A. Brown’s first big break, as he’s directed only two other short films and has been a part of Location Management in big films like Spider-Man 3. He proves he has learned a lot being a part of the miscellaneous crew in a ton of other stuff as well. He definitely has an eye behind the camera.

But his screenplay writing, again, just like the duo that wrote Relic, needs a bit of work. On the other hand, maybe he wrote based off of budget, and if given a bigger budget before writing down the road, could do more unique things. Shit doesn’t finally start to go down until a little before half way through the film, and by then the ‘slow burn’ felt kind of tiresome, especially when the 45 minute set up didn’t have much in the way of character development to get you to care for anyone. And the pay offs were okay but not of the caliber that they needed to be. They needed more information and a grounded set of ‘virus’ narrative rules to function. If I were to watch this movie again it would only be for technical analysis and merit. And it isn’t like I don’t care for David Cronenberg-esque body horror, John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of my favorite films of all time, I just think right now isn’t the best time for me…or any one for that matter to be watching a film like this. Even though the body horror is nice and subtle, and it is only used when needed in its tight 87 minute run time. It doesn’t over do it. It’s a solid and noble effort, but just watching a film of that stature is not in my best interest based on how grumpy I have been since March of 2020. Fuck, even though I love the films Outbreak and Contagion, the only thing I can think about if I were to watch them right now is how badly I would want to throw something very, very hard at my television screen.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PALM SPRINGS (Hulu)

Groundhog Day is the blueprint that all other “same day/time loop” films jump off of, correct? Asking for a friend. But being truthful, it really is. I can’t think of another time loop project that came out before Groundhog Day (upon doing some research, I found one short film and one television film that explored this concept briefly, but Groundhog Day was really the first theatrical endeavor). And all the other ones that came after, whether it be Before I Fall, Source Code, Happy Death Day among many others, only maybe Source Code has come even close to at least matching the masterful 1993 Bill Murray/Harold Ramis comedy. PALM SPRINGS just beat Source Code for me and is only a hair below Groundhog Day now. It is also now the best film of 2020 for me as well, as I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a straight to streaming title this much…since…well…EVER. It is a near perfect movie, with great set ups that provide great pay offs, huge laughs, incredible performances, and one hell of a tight 90 minute structure that I could’ve watched about an hour more of. I completely fell for this world and everything in it and know that in the future I will be watching Palm Springs over, and over, and over, and over again. I think repeat viewings will solidify how perfectly constructed this film is from start to finish. And it is likely to put a giant grin on your face, which is especially nice considering 2020 has been a total asshole to the entire world.

Per IMDB, it describes Palm Springs as: “When carefree Nyles and reluctant maid of honor Sarah have a chance encounter at a Palm Springs wedding, things get complicated as they are unable to escape the venue, themselves, or each other.” If you’ve seen any marketing for this movie, you’ll know that the “unable to escape” part is the time loop twist the story has where several individuals are reliving the same day over and over again. It’s not really even a spoiler at this point anymore because this film has been talked about so much (but the ending has not been so SHHHHH, please don’t ruin it for anyone else!). Before you start to write this off as just another “time loop” movie that has been done to death, this one is unique in that it has more than one person stuck in this time loop. So the movie explores much more territory than Groundhogs Day did and digs deeper into the relationship between two (maybe even three) people. Yes, it did explore Bill Murray’s relationship with Andie McDowell in Groundhog Day, but it was more one sided, as she had no clue that a time loop was even occurring. Andy Samberg isn’t just Andy Samberg in this movie, he actually plays much more than just another Jake Peralta/Brooklyn Nine-Nine type (although that role on television will never get old for me). This is easily a career best performance from him, as it is also for Cristin Milioti, who has come such a long way from being what would end up being the **spoiler alert for something different** disposable mother character on the sitcome How I Met Your Mother.

J.K. Simmons is also in this film, but the less that is said about his character, the better. Experience that boat load of fun on your own. But like I said, the movie is near perfect if not perfect. Right at the end, when it was about to have a huge plot thread roll loose in a depressing fashion, it doesn’t, it remembers what it needed to explain a quick bit without spoon feeding it to the audience. I literally almost screamed “oh yeah” right as the scene happened. The movie has some great twists and turns that I dare not reveal here, just to say that I didn’t see some of them coming at all. There are great set ups, pay offs, smart crude and sex humor that I haven’t seen in awhile, the works. It has a definitive set of universe rules and doesn’t break or even bend them in the slightest. I love when filmmakers stick to that shit. It has fantastic replay value, as a feel good romantic sort of sci-fi comedy that should help you get out of any funk that you are in currently. Although the great and talented Lonely Island boys (Samberg, Akiva Shaffer, Jorma Taccone) produced this film, so you could possibly call it a “Lonely Island movie”, they did not write or direct this. That would go to screenwriter Andy Siara and director Max Barbakow, neither of which I’m familiar with. Maybe one day, as I hope they can make movies as great as this one. So if you have Hulu, watch this immediately, and if you don’t have it, fucking find a friend that does or do a free trial and just watch this movie if you have to. It is a masterful and hilarious 90 minutes to distract you from the days of COVID-19, which seems to be going on forever at this point. I know I’ve said it but, again, best film of 2020 for me so far.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: RELIC

Now before any of you go up in arms about my review for the new horror movie RELIC, which went straight to drive in theaters and video on demand this past weekend, let me express to you a couple of things. Yes, I know, I’ve seen that the movie is in the 90 percentile range with critics for this movie, but take a look at the low audience score in the 40 percentile range. I am not a huge fan when horror is weird and all artsy fartsy for the sake of being weird and all artsy fartsy. It’s got to have that AND have a point, for example Ari Aster’s Hereditary and Midsommar quickly come to mind. And while Relic does have a point, it is a horror movie metaphor showing how dementia & Alzheimer’s rots not just the mind but the body as well, it didn’t quite get it’s point across because none of the set ups earlier in the film had any sort of pay offs. It’s just weird to be weird. I don’t like that. That’s probably why films of this caliber aren’t my cup of tea. I didn’t like the critically acclaimed The VVITCH or It Comes At Night either. It was all just artsy fartsy without earning any of the themes or motifs buried beneath the surface of the story. It was very frustrating as I really wanted to like this film and I was really digging the visuals and atmosphere the film had set up. It’s sort of a haunted house movie, but with a twist. But when the end credits hit, the one two part question that always comes to mind, “would I ever watch this again or recommend it?” I already knew that my answer was a concrete no.

Also, I was very bored, I paused the movie a bunch of times to do other things around the house because I just couldn’t get into it. What was supposed to be a 90 minute film took me approximately 120 minutes to watch. This is the equivalent of looking at your watch or taking a quick peak at your cell phone clock in the theater. Per IMDB, it describes Relic as such: “A daughter, mother and grandmother are haunted by a manifestation of dementia/Alzheimer’s that consumes their family’s home.” That short sentence describes the film to a tee. At the beginning of the film the grandmother is missing, the daughter and granddaughter are worried, then the grandmother randomly shows up again, without any explanation of where she was, and that’s when the horror and weird shit starts to happen. The acting in this film, along with the visuals and atmosphere, is the last pro I can give this film. It’s a three woman show essentially, and Emily Mortimer, Bella Heathcote and Robyn Nevin all do a fantastic job in their perspective roles. Again, the real problem here is the screenplay and not giving the audience any pay offs to the set ups presented earlier in the film. They never show where the grandmother ended up going to where she was missing. Well they kind of do and they kind of don’t. They present two ways, but neither were made clear. That could’ve been an interesting pay off. That and many other instances go untouched or unexplained. I advocate the audience trying to figure things out on their own, but there wasn’t enough hints given. Those could end up being nails in the coffin for interest in a film.

This is director Natalie Erika James’s first big directing gig. She has directed several short films and has worked on horror/thriller projects with bigger named people, such as The Invisible Man and Upgrade’s Leigh Whannell. Her direction is great here, again, the problem is with her script, which she co-wrote with Christian White, who is also getting their bigger break here. They both need to work on their story skills, their structure, and making sure set ups have pay offs. They got the shots down, and if they can conjure up a solid script, then I can confidently say I can’t wait to see that movie. But Relic definitely isn’t it. It does show promise and potential, but is ultimately a disappointment, especially that it debuted with strong critic reviews. And it’s not that I’m a casual movie goer, anybody that knows me knows I am definitely not that. I get what it was trying to do. It just simply wasn’t in my wheelhouse of interest, but was for others. And that’s okay. Not everybody is going to like a particular movie. I’m sure there are people out there that didn’t care for Get Out or Parasite. There is probably someone out there that can convince me that 2019’s Joker is a masterpiece (doubt it though). It happens. Tastes are different. Relic gets the horror right, but not the intelligence for me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE OLD GUARD (Netflix)

Why does every movie have to have a “new recruit” type story line? That’s where the universe is very much already established and they bring in a new character (someone casual moviegoers can relate to) to learn the ropes. Is it so that the story/screenplay writer can easily and without any kind of effort spoon feed all the information/rules to the audience in multiple uninteresting monologues? Is it so they don’t have to think hard of a new and unique approach where little things are hinted at here and there where movie goers would have to grow a brain and piece everything together on their own? The “new recruit” type story is EVERYWHERE. Men In Black, The Matrix, 6 Underground, Kingsman, Inception, is just a very small list of the thousands of movies out there that do it. However, those movies get past that cliched premise because they have other, much bigger elements that come into play that are interesting enough and overshadow that “same old, same old.” Inception is a HUGE example of that. Anyway, the thing that makes the new Netflix original film, THE OLD GUARD, just a one time half-way decent watch is that the bigger elements presented in this movie…is just more shit that has been done before, namely the “Immortality Old Warrior” type angle. Another problem with it would be that Charlize Theron and company just explain the rules to the “new recruit” in a bunch of uninteresting ways and have “standing close to each other for 5 to 10 minute” monologues. And yet another problem would be that I guessed everything that was going to happen way before they happened and even guessed what the mid credits scene would be only a half an hour into the 2 hour run time. The film only gets a barely passable slight recommendation from me because it has a action packed last 30 minutes, the movie looked good and was well shot, and of course…Charlize Theron is always fantastic in whatever project she takes on.

Still think I’m nuts? Look at the IMDB log line for this: “A covert team of immortal mercenaries are suddenly exposed and must now fight to keep their identity a secret just as an unexpected new member is discovered.” New member. I guarantee you that two word phrase is in the log line of thousand of films that you have seen before. Is there really no way that this movie, and the graphic novel its based on as well, could’ve just had this “Old Guard” be on their own to present a story that hinted at and then gradually revealed the rules while the movie progressed without having one character explain all of it to a new one in a mundane monologue? There had to have been a way, HAD to. I myself can even think of several ways the movie could’ve avoided all those trappings and had been a unique ride. Alas, it doesn’t, it takes the easy way out for you to quickly understand and relate to the story. I’m just tired of it is all. Also, for an action movie, there is not a lot of action, save for the last 30 minutes. It’s really just a bunch of characters getting all the history out of the way so that the sequel doesn’t have to explain everything and just be completely action packed. I’m sorry but you do not want your first movie in a franchise to be just a dialogue bridge film for better sequels. You are already setting yourself up for failure doing that. Which, judging by the mid credits scene, is EXACTLY what this film is doing. Plus, let’s list the cliches shall we? We get another bad guy just wanting to make money off of or harness the groups abilities, betrayals and double crossings, plot points that the group are afraid will happen that they point out at the very beginning of the film that DO happen later on, the works. If you watch closely, this film is BEAT BY BEAT ripping off The Matrix.

Okay, enough with my bitching, it is getting old. Let me get to some of the good stuff. Like I said, Charlize Theron is excellent in this, that there is no doubt. The new recruit, played by KiKi Layne, is good as well. All the acting is top notch, even though Chiwetel Ejiofor is completely wasted with his talents here and should not have been cast in a role that small. I even loved that two of the Old Guard were homosexual lovers. That was a nice dynamic that had some great pay off scenes. The whole movie looks nice and is shot well by director Gina Prince-Bythewood. Give her a better story and screenplay to work with and she could do wonders. The only big fault with this movie is the story/screenplay. This screenplay was written by the actual creator of the graphic novel it is based on Greg Rucka, who is known for the many graphic novels he’s written. I wish he would have more original ideas is all and wouldn’t fall into the trappings of all the cliches he writes himself into. It just takes that one idea to be extraordinary. The real problem is that there is nothing new with this movie. Every element is taken from many other different films that have done those elements better. When you can’t take those elements and even put a small unique twist on them to make them better and new again, what’s the point of even writing those kinds of stories in the first place? Even though it has been happening for years, it has been starting to get old lately just recently for me. Fuck…maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DESPERADOS (Netflix)

Good God, can it be next weekend already? Where two new streaming films, The Old Guard & Palm Springs, premiere literally a day before my birthday…and they’ve both already gotten decent reviews? Other than Hamilton on Disney+ this weekend…this new Netflix film…DESPERADOS premiered. And no, it’s not a foreign language film with subtitles. It’s a just a regular, stupid, cheap unfunny, masturbation gag a minute, sex joke romantic comedy about a trio of women looking for something more out of life than they have. And it’s mainly just the three of them, yelling and screaming out dirty stuff every half minute for the entire hour and 45 minute run time. It’s like an R rated version of Ghostbusters 2016, where women who are usually funny in other things improv too much and just yell random shit to see what sticks. And again, none of it does. It literally gave me a headache. And it is disappointing that former Saturday Night Live star Nasim Pedrad would accept this kind of role to play the lead…she must’ve really been desperate (pun intended) to land a job ever since her stint on New Girl went away a couple of years ago. She was great on Saturday Night Live, she maybe should’ve never left, as leaving for that John Mulaney failure of a sitcom was one of the worst career choices I’ve seen out of anyone. This movie is even worse. Speaking of being unable to get separated from New Girl, her love interest in this is the same guy (Lamorne Morris) that she ends up with in the series finale of that show. Did both of them just walk across the studio once the showrunners announced a series wrap for them? Anyway, here’s how to determine if this movie is for you or not: at one point mid way through, Nasim Pedrad gets humped by a dolphin at the edge of a boat and then the dolphin jumps and smacks his giant red aroused sea cock across her face. Did you laugh? I hope not.

Per IMDB, Desperados is described as: “A panicked young woman, with her reluctant friends in tow, rushes to Mexico to try and delete a ranting email she sent to her new boyfriend.” That new boyfriend is played by Robbie Amell, who looked like he did the filmmakers a favor and came over for a couple of breaks while shooting Amazon’s Upload. Completely wasted here. So are Nasim Pedrad’s two friends played by Barry’s Sarah Burns and Pitch Perfect’s Anna Camp. Their plot b and c stories of the former not being able to have a baby with her husband and going to a white woman shaman that’s supposed to give her medicine and/or advice to succeed and then the latter’s decision whether or not to leave her cheating husband are solved in seconds and then thrown to the side just as quickly. The white woman shaman is played by Heather Graham who looks like she doesn’t want to be there, and the ultimate climax (you’ll see pun intended) of the scene that happens between her and Anna Camp didn’t make any sense and was a little tasteless. The main plot of Nasim Pedrad trying to delete Robbie Amell’s e-mail was completely unbelievable and would never have happened. See the reason she wrote the hateful e-mail, is right after they have sex, it seems like he ignores her for 5 days. Instead, right after the e-mail is sent, he calls her and reveals he had an accident and was in a medically induced coma for 5 days. Oh but get this, the doctors don’t want him on the internet or for him to have his computer at all or his phone for a couple of days and just want him to rest and not stress out. The screenplay writers must’ve known this set up was a little hammy, as every few minutes they remind the audience through dialogue and just keep repeating he needs rest over and over. Never mind the fact that there are probably other people worried about him, he needs to rest. Fucking please, even I can’t come up with a way in which it could’ve worked. So Nasim Pedrad has a couple of days to find his phone or computer at the Mexico resort he was staying at, and really stupid shit keeps getting thrown at her so she can’t complete her goal, and that the movie isn’t so short. And she has time to “happen” to bump into a previous bad date at this resort (played by New Girl’s Lamorne Morris) and then start to have great adventures and conversations with him…you see where the movie ends up don’t you? I hope you do.

One of the scenarios that keeps Pedrad from her goal, is that she keeps running into a 12-13 year old that wants to have statutory rape sex with her and then that kids mom shows up a few seconds behind and yells and tries to beat Pedrad’s ass. And she keeps running into them and keeps running into them. It gets very old, very fast. The only decent part in the movie is the chemistry and conversations between Pedrad and Morris. They don’t lose a step going from being charming together in New Girl to being charming together in this, even though he plays it straight, and she’s the mess, where on the Fox show it was vice versa. Lamorne Morris is the best part of this movie, as he’s down to Earth and plays a pretty cool character. This is the second movie he’s stolen out from everyone, even in this shitty year of COVID-19, the first film being Bloodshot. They should give him more stuff to do, and that stuff needs to be in better films. Anyway, this movie is a complete waste of time unless you are an obnoxious woman or man that laughs at this low brow crude and crass comedy that isn’t even smartly written, and your men or women friends are just as stupid and obnoxious as you are. The woman who wrote this hasn’t done anything other than writing for THE FUCKING FAILURE SHOW THAT WAS THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT WAY BACK WHEN. No wonder. The director is a nobody too. Sorry I sound salty, this movie was just a completely waste of talents for everyone involved, and a complete waste of time for an audience that decided to press play. How can Netflix be that desperate (again, pun intended) to put horse shit like this on their platform? This is just one sliver better than Netflix’s The Wrong Missy…but not by much. One of the worst films of 2020.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HAMILTON (Disney+)

So a little disclaimer about this review, I’ve technically seen and reviewed the stage play musical, HAMILTON, when it came to Dallas a little bit ago. Posted it right here on this blog in fact. So this first paragraph is just going to be me saying how the experience was while watching it on Disney+ and then I’m copying and pasting my old review of the content of the stage play. So if you already read that part of it way back when, other than this intro, you aren’t getting anything new. HOWEVER, if you’ve seen Hamilton on stage, and were on the fence about watching it again on your screen at home, mainly because you didn’t think it could re create the same magic, think again. This is the first required viewing, in my opinion, of something on Disney+ since The Mandalorian debuted last year. You get the original Broadway cast here, Lin Manuel-Miranda, Leslie Odom Jr., Daveed Diggs, the works. Their acting and showmanship are different than the off Broadway cast (not better or worse), and it feels fresh seeing different faces for sure. It’s still the same amazing play, but up close and personal. They didn’t just set a camera in front of the stage and film a live original performance. There’s different camera angles, close ups, fade in and outs, dissolves, putting you right smack dab in the middle of their performance as if you were standing with them on stage. So even if you’ve seen THE ORIGINAL MUSICAL WITH THE ORIGINAL CAST, this is still worth checking out. It’s a completely different experience, fresh even if you’ve listened to everything so much you can rap out lyric by lyric, word by word. This is one of the best musicals of all time. So you know Hollywood will one day, when it’s back up and running, try to make an epic of it on decorated sound stages and location shootings, and they could either knock it out of the park, or it could end up being another…Cats **shiver**. Let’s not think about that right now. The only really complaint I have is I wished they had filmed it without an audience…but then again maybe it wouldn’t have been as good of a performance? To be fair, it wasn’t as distracting as actually being there with a live audience, they never show the audience and the cheering was really short and cut off between small breaks into the next scene. Without further ado, my older review of Hamilton when I saw it with the off Broadway cast in Dallas not too long ago:

So the Broadway touring of HAMILTON is in Texas, and since it is the most buzzed about play since The Book of Mormon, obviously it peaked my interest (the next one to do that might be Harry Potter and The Cursed Child). And since I’m seeing less movies in the theaters nowadays, I thought I could write a short review on my thoughts. Is it worth the hype and all the awards it has won? Absolutely. And now other than The Book of Mormon, it would definitely be a play I could see multiple times and neither feel bored and I’d also feel like I got my money’s worth. Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote a masterpiece. Nothing short of greatness.

Hamilton is about the life of Alexander Hamilton. But everything is either sung or rapped, incorporates R&B, pop, soul, hip hop, show tunes, and also casts color-consciously of non-white actors as historical figures. The play starts out with his early life as an orphan throughout just the intro song and then we go into straight into adulthood to his tragic death. The play is in two acts, and I don’t think there is a word spoken that isn’t sung. But everything works so perfectly well. Apparently it took Miranda years to write it and do perfect the songs, perfect every single note, and it shows. It is one of the most intricate things I’ve ever heard, so much so that, like Book of Mormon, might be finding and buying the CD to it. Every song is great and catchy, and there are absolutely no lag moments in the play. My favorite part? Probably like a lot of people, I do enjoy when King George III takes the stage.

The stage itself is pretty standard. It consists of a lot of wood and stairs and rope, and then some fake brick to look like old buildings. And it doesn’t change. Not that its a bad thing at all, in fact, I would’ve be shocked if it had been any more intricate because it would’ve taken even longer to get the product out to audiences around the world. One thing that is a little unique about the stage is that it rotates in the middle constantly to convey movement, and is very impressive when mixed in with the choreography to song and dance numbers. As for the acting? It is all impressive. I didn’t take a Playbill from the April 28th, 2019 showing, but if you were one of the actors/dancers in the play, you did a tremendous job. Especially the leads like Hamilton and Burr, the way they could memorize all those songs, movements, and words and make it look like another walk in the part is nothing short of masterful.

So if you are on the fence about seeing this, why? Don’t be. It’s amazing and truly a thing that should be on your bucket list. Whether you are a history buff or even scoff at history, there is something in this play for everyone to enjoy. The play is 2 hours and 55 minutes (including a 15 minute intermission) but you could’ve fooled me, the time just whizzes by extremely fast. If this is the one thing that Lin Manuel-Miranda is remembered by, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. If there is real magic on the planet, this Broadway play is the closest that it gets to seeing is believing.