Zach Zany Movie Reviews: SPREE

SPREE is the most bizarre film of 2020. Easily. Not to say that it’s bad, it was quite entertaining for its short 90 minute run time, but it’s balance of tone is the most head scratching thing for me this year. Well, no, that’s not true, COVID-19 and our nations way of handling it is the most head scratching thing, but this is a close second. Speaking of our nation handling situations, Spree has something to say about social media, followers and fame that is pretty dead on with the times right now. Remember the movie Infamous I reviewed not too long ago starring Bella Thorne? Spree was what Infamous should’ve have been. Infamous was about a duo that went and robbed a bunch of places, killed people and Bella Thorne would live stream their crimes on an Instagram type app to get followers and fame. Infamous didn’t work because it took itself way too seriously (absolutely no satire in it at all), Bella Thorne gave one of the worst performances in a movie this year, and it was boring and not entertaining in the slightest. Spree, on the other hand, in some ways, is on the opposite end of that spectrum. Stranger Thing’s Joe Keery’s performance is actually quite good, the movie is actually decently watchable, didn’t have any lag, but the movie was too much satire…there was too much comedy in it…it didn’t take itself seriously at all. But thinking back on it, maybe that was the point? If it was, the tone just didn’t quite work for me but could for someone else. I wonder if we’ll ever get a movie about social media that balances satire and tone perfectly? Maybe. Spree will do for now though as I am recommending it for how dead on its messages and themes of social media and fame are, and because I’ve seen people online that are exactly like Joe Keery’s character.

Per IMDB, Spree’s log line is: “Thirsty for a following, Kurt Kunkle is a rideshare driver who has figured out a deadly plan to go viral.” Yes, that deadly plan is killing people if you were wondering. His Instagram-like page hardly gets any followers, not even in the double digits, and he has been trying and playing by the rules for quite a long time. He suddenly gets an idea: he sets up cameras all over his car, and starts killing people in different ways (it’s not just running over people when they get out of the car thank God) if those people deserve it. But a semi-famous comedian is about to get into his car and divert Kurt’s night into something strange and not according to plan. But will Kurt’s follower count and live stream audience rise like it never has before? Oh wow, I actually expanded upon a log line and made it my own. Haven’t done that in awhile. Anyway, it’s a great concept, it’s just executed a little weird, especially the very, very end. It plays like a desktop/phone movie, where the footage you are watching is coming off Kurt’s live stream or through security cameras in the area. It’s like Searching or the Unfriended movies, but more accessible and at more locations, like found footage movies such as Cloverfield. It’s just a wacky, wacky entertainingly good time. My only problem is that with all the horrifying things Kurt is doing to people, it doesn’t take itself seriously at all. Way too much satire. The violence mostly cuts away to Kurt’s reaction once everything is said and done, which was a bit disappointing. In those moments, it could’ve gotten very, very serious, then gone back to satire and the movie could’ve been the next great balance of two very different tones, like American Psycho, but alas, it was not meant to be.

But in its weaknesses are some strengths, and like I said, it has something crazy dead on to say about how addicting social media is and how deeply disturbing it can make some people with a weak frame of mind. This is writer/director Eugene Kotlyarenko’s first feature I have ever heard of, and it seems he did his homework and studied social media behavior while writing and directing this film. Kudos on that good sir. Now you just need to work on balance of tone, mood, and atmosphere and your next feature could be masterful. Joe Keery is great in this and his performance is dead on to some of the shit I’ve seen out there on the net. But he isn’t the only recognizable face in this. Mischa Barton turns up in a very bit part as one of the passengers. SNL’s Sasheer Zamata is the comedian in the wrong place at the wrong time…or is it the right place at the right time. And Scream’s David Arquette plays Keery’s father. All three do a entertainingly good job here and keep the fast and frantic pace of the movie going and don’t drag it down at all. When the camera goes outside the confines of the ride share vehicle, it works and is realistic enough to not make you roll your eyes. The movie even has an answer as to why Kurt’s phone doesn’t drain of too much power over the night (charger in a car). I’m just a little disappointed, because when I read what the movie was about, in my head, the concept was just much more balanced. In my head, I saw everything be deadly serious in one moment and then completely flip the switch and it work better for the film. Oh well, if I want that great balance of flavor, I should probably just pick up the candy of the same name right?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: I USED TO GO HERE

Ah, the awkward nostalgia trip “hang out” movie. We’ve gotten a lot of those the past decade haven’t we? There aren’t that many that have not been done before: lost loves, old party houses, old school mates, drugs, diners, drive-ins, and dives (yes, pun intended on that last one). I USED TO GO HERE is not an exception to the rule. So when you aren’t an exception, you gotta make the movie at least entertaining when you are surrounded by predictable elements, and in that, it succeeded for me. But it might not be very memorable down the line. Produced by The Lonely Island guys, I Used To Go Here stars Community’s Gillian Jacobs and per IMDB, “Following the launch of her new novel, 35-year-old writer Kate is invited to speak at her alma mater by her former professor. After accepting the invitation, Kate finds herself deeply enmeshed in the lives of a group of college students.” The movie does go down the familiar path of where the protagonists work is not that successful and most of the jokes surround her taking the criticism in a different dumber of ways, but thankfully Gillian Jacobs innate ability to turn those predictable narrative threads and react to them in her own unique way make them a little bit fresher than normal, is what is part of this film’s small charm. Jacobs thankfully isn’t just playing Britta from Community here, and more of an “aw shucks I just take everything in stride and am just along for the ride” type character.

The movie really succeeds starting in the last half hour, where she goes spying on one of her old professors, played by an almost unrecognizable and more clean cut Jermaine Clement, with some college kids she just met that are staying at her old college house. This film works on entertainment value alone, but don’t expect anything too deep in terms of allegory or theme. It’s just a simple hang out movie, where the story takes place over a night or two, one where the characters share a little heartache, a little remembrance, some passion and laughter, they learn a couple of lessons, but their experience might be hazy or not remembered at all in several years down the line in their lives. Which is exactly how I’ll be with this movie in time. If it ever comes up in conversation or I ever happen to remember it again, I’ll remember it for Gillian Jacob’s aw shucks cute as a button performance, yet not much else. I am not familiar with writer/director Kris Rey’s work, but she is definitely an actor’s director, getting realistic performances form all. I just wish there was a little something more from the movie. It felt just like a much more likable Holden Caulfield type hanging around his old school for a couple of days and maybe learning a lesson or two. But this worked for a one time watch, but in about a decade I’ll probably be saying, “oh yeah, I used to remember that movie, from what I can recollected, it was fine.”

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: INFAMOUS

Everyone involved in INFAMOUS should be ashamed of themselves. And no, I’m not talking about the popular videogame made awhile back, but a new movie that stars former Disney channel star, now more of a social media mogul with one directorial credit in a PornHub short film (I shit you not, look it up), Bella Thorne. I follow Ms. Thorne on Instagram for kicks, she is actually entertaining even though you could say that she is something that rhymes with ‘attention s’more.’ A lot of women and other adults think she’s a bad actress and kind of a word that rhymes with smut, and while I’d argue with the 2nd statement, because if you follow her she has had long term relationships, and not that many of them, I can tell you that the first opinion is 200% fact. Bella Thorne is a terrible, terrible actress. But surprisingly, she’s only the second main thing to bother me about this movie. The main problem I had with Infamous is that it treats its audience as if we were morons. Per IMDB, it describes the movie as: “Two young lovers rob their way across the southland, posting their exploits to social media, and gaining fame and followers as a result.” So you can probably put two and two together: they are a modern day millennial white trash social media Bonnie and Clyde. And the film desperately tries to get you to believe, in this day and age of triggered offended young people, that people that can’t pick their heads up for their laptops and phones would love that these two criminals are going around killing innocent people and robbing them of money. Not only is this film offensive in mind but in soul, and writer/director Joshua Caldwell needs to quit the business before he tarnishes it any longer.

This film is groan a minute worthy. Starting with cringe inducing acting from Bella Thorne (surprisingly everyone else is not that bad), the movie just keeps not only getting dumber with what it is trying to get you to believe and say about social media fame, but also in terms of narrative and common sense. Bella Thorne’s character, Arielle (don’t you dare pronounce it after the mermaid!) posts almost all of their crimes and exploits on an app that looks like either Instagram or Facebook Live. And the news on television talks about their crimes almost immediately after they happen. There is no fucking way in hell that they would’ve been able to get away with as much as they did for so long. The app would’ve done the responsible thing and either A. shut down her account and/or B. work with Feds and the cellular company to track down her phone and arrest their asses before they could even start their next crime. Writer/director Joshua Caldwell doesn’t even try to give a reason for them getting away with it in a one or two sentence throwaway line, the movie just expects you to gloss over the whole situation. There is not one likable character in this film, and the movie had the opportunity to do it with the male lead, played by Jake Manley. Bella Thorne is the one that kills all the innocent people to the climax, and at times it just seems like his boyfriend character is only along for the ride and starts to not want anything to do with it. But instead of tapping into that sympathy, to get the audience more involved with his downward plight, his character is written so poorly, that he’s just mentally THAT dumb and decides to keep following her because he ‘loves’ her and has had his dick in her mouth (in the movie, not in real life).

This movie was only a couple of scenes of stupidity away from beating my #1 shittiest film of 2020 so far, John Henry. The only reason why this doesn’t quite reach that level of abysmal is because John Henry had a very weird collaboration of different tones that failed on every single level. The tone here at least is consistent with the dumb ass white trash stupidity of the two lead protagonists. And there are a couple of decent shots in the movie, but writer/director Joshua Caldwell will not get out on a technicality with me. This movie is in every way imaginable, unwatchable. It even breaks Screenwriting 101 rules with having the end of the film be at the beginning and then we retrace their steps, leaving absolutely no tension into the fate of the two leads. Caldwell also must’ve been obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio’s look in Romeo & Juliet because the male lead’s clothing in this was Leo’s main outfit from that film (Hawaiian over shirt) in almost each and every scene, even Leo’s hair from that movie, and it wasn’t just an homage, it was a blatant rip off. And don’t get me started on the implausible last scene of Infamous, as there is no way any real life event would’ve ended like that. Which makes me think, was this film supposed to be a satire of social media life and fame? Because if it was, it really needed to work on the satire part. Even if they wanted the satire part to be subtle, Caldwell should’ve watched Spring Breakers to see how it is correctly done. But I have a feeling that wasn’t the intention at all, that Infamous was all along supposed to be super serious. And in doing so, the movie will now be infamous for being abysmal and one of the worst ones of 2020.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ARCHIVE

Nothing can ruin a solid, solid movie other than its last act. Plenty of movies have been absolutely destroyed by them, whether it be Repo Men, Knowing, The Village, to name a few. I’m sure if you thought hard enough you’d come up with a list of 10 to 20 in the next couple of minutes. I being a huge movie buff, these kinds of films manage to break my heart all the time. Some more than others. In the case of the new direct to video title ARCHIVE, starring Divergent’s Theo James and Nymphomaniac’s Stacy Martin, it’s only the movie’s very, very last minute reveal (last 3-4 minutes of 1 hr 49 minute run time) that made me groan a little bit. I don’t want to give anything away, but it has an ending similar to one of the three movies I’ve mentioned above. It did a better job of hiding this so called “twist” (even though I knew it was coming and was praying only 10 minutes into it for me to be wrong), but I could still think of a handful of other ways it could’ve ended and been much more satisfactory in a storytelling stand point. The rest of the film is so so good though, and I have a feeling that upon a re-watch this twist might make you see everything in a different kind of light, that I’m ultimately going to give it a decent recommendation. It is a sci-fi drama sort of thriller in the vein of those you might’ve seen before like Moon or I Am Mother, but with much more meaningful undertones. The movie runs along as such a brisk pace even though it intentionally only slowly gives you bits and pieces of information throughout to put together what is going on and doesn’t just spoon feed it to you all at once. It’s very well made, shot, acted, etc. But I don’t think I can ever forgive the last 3-4 minute ending, it’s unfortunately permanently archived in my brain.

Per IMDB, it describes Archive as such: “2038: George Almore (Theo James) is working on a true human-equivalent AI. His latest prototype is almost ready. This sensitive phase is also the riskiest. Especially as he has a goal that must be hidden at all costs: being reunited with his dead wife (Stacy Martin).” For this being a low budget movie, the special effects are top notch. They kept it simple, which is always the healthiest way to go if you don’t have a lot of money to spend on a film project. The robots (humans inside of them obviously) look and act realistic, the inside and outside of the lab where George is working on his AI is the perfect display of futuristic dystopian imagery. The make up on the more human looking of these artificial intelligent beings are extremely well done. Theo James easily gives a career best performance (not too hard considering the other bullshit that is on his resume, but still appreciated), Stacy Martin is great, and the direction is crisp, fluid, and engaging. The themes, motifs, and messages are dramatically poignant, especially in this time of our real life isolation because of COVID-19. Everything in this film is near perfect. If it just wasn’t for that damned ending. Fuck, I really want to spoil it so I can vent my frustrations better. But I know that I can figure out a way to relay my true feelings without ruining things if you have any interest whatsoever in discovering what I’m bitching about. The film’s ending unfortunately breaks the Screenplay/Storytelling 101 of what not to do with an ending, because better movies have already done it with much better results.

It is too similar to the ending of a 2 word movie whose last word rhymes with Madder. If you’ve seen the movie I’m alluding to, you know what I’m talking about. That film did it so much better, really the blueprint of what this movie tries to do but kind of fails at the last minute because of how invested we are in everything that came before. But I’m ultimately giving this a solid recommendation, because the 1 hr and 44 minutes before the ending were just too damn good to ignore. It made me think a lot of the movie Moon, by Duncan Jones, and when doing a little more research on Archive, low and behold, its similarity isn’t that surprising. Archive’s director, Gavin Rothery, was part of the art department for Moon. He doesn’t blatantly rip it off, it’s more of an homage, so I’m not going to bitch about how similar they are. Rothery does make it is own and since he has never written or directed anything at all before, I’m absolutely shocked with how much he learned in that department to become as skilled as he is here. Maybe if he can direct a film with a better ending, he could wind up being a masterful sci-fi director like Ridley Scott or Denis Villenueve. He just needs to hone in on his screenplay writing skills, but hey, this is a start and shows lots of potential. This movie is better than 9/10ths of the straight to video shit we are getting because of the pandemic (that 1/10th being Palm Springs), and that ain’t bad. It’s just every time I think about the ending I cringe, just a little bit. It makes me curious if this had any alternate endings, as I would’ve loved to see how other conclusions had worked with the rest of the solid 9/10ths of this film. If there were none, some should’ve been conceived and archived.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HOST (Shudder)

Does it really count as a feature length film if the movie is only 58 minutes long? I’m thinking more like a short film, right? But when looking it up (funny how I haven’t done that until now), HOST, a new 58 minute Shudder original movie, does in fact count as a “feature length film.” The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the American Film Institute, and the British Film Institute all define a feature as a film with a running time of 2,400 seconds (i.e. 40 minutes) or longer. Who’d have thunk that huh? With the movie having a surprising short as shit runtime, my review will probably also be short as shit, because if I talk about it a lot, I’ll end up ruining the scares and surprises. One surprise I can ruin, because it has nothing to do with the plot or twists, is that Host was actually just filmed a couple of months ago during the pandemic and lock down phase of it. Which was itself kind of cool that they were able to produce a half way decent film with all the limitations and time constraints. Per IMDB, it describes HOST as: “Six friends hire a medium to hold a séance via Zoom during lock down – but they get far more than they bargained for as things quickly go wrong. When an evil spirit starts invading their homes, they begin to realize they might not survive the night.” So essentially yes, it is another “desktop/laptop thriller” in the realm of other movies such as Unfriended, Unfriended: Dark Web, Searching, etc. Searching easily being the best of those. HOST ultimately works because of its very effective scares during the 2nd half hour of the film, although fans of this genre, like me, still kind of groan at the set up we have to endure before said scares.

This film isn’t written or directed by anyone you know, and it doesn’t star anyone you know. The acting though is very believable for its genre. The only thing that you’ll have to suspend your belief on is when the six friends either take their phone or laptop around their room and/or house when shit starts going down. Thankfully though, when they end up doing that, the scares are so damn effective that you completely forget about that little detail. The only real problem I had with the film is that none of these films, other than Searching, produce a great hook of a set up to get us engaged at the very beginning. It took be approximately about 15 – 20 minutes to me to get into these kinds of movies. Yeah, I understand that it is supposed to feel real, with these friends hooking up via Zoom one by one and spouting off stupid normal life shit that doesn’t really interest us, there’s just gotta be a more interesting way to do it. Other than that little nitpick, past the 15-20 minute mark, everything is smooth sailing. The scares that hit, they hit hard, and don’t ever let up, even when the end of the film has an actual fucking countdown to the end of the Zoom meeting (and you can easily guess what goes down when it hits :00, still made me jump though). To be honest, I maybe would’ve liked to see about 20-25 more minutes of added on effective scares like they had in the film, but then again, its runtime is about perfect, and adding anything else might have lessened the impact of the other frights. Considering I didn’t like Shudder’s other original film, The Beach House, and turned off Scare Package before that film’s half way mark, Host is the best thing Shudder has to offer right now. A decent one time watch. Still not enough to get me to pay past a free week trial though. Having to pay $5 a month for this service gives me the shivers in general.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ANIMAL CRACKERS (Netflix)

ANIMAL CRACKERS journey to make it to the big scr…well…any kind of screen is interesting in itself. I’ll get to that bit in a minute. I watched this movie last weekend with my kid (it premiered on Netflix this past Friday as well) and while the 2nd half is much better than the first (it lost both his and mine attention multiple times as it took a bit to get really into the movie), it ultimately succeeds because of the fantastic climax, the cool set of rules the magical box of cookies come with that reveals itself along the way and not all at once, and the superb voice acting. If only the beginning of the film had a little more focus to make the set up a little less confusing. It goes through several generations of family in the span of only a couple of minutes and it is hard to sort out who is who for several scenes and it also takes a tad too long to get to the animal crackers themselves. But then once those magical MacGuffin’s are introduced, the film blasts off at the speed of light. It is just a little disappointing because if the whole movie was as strong in both parts, it would’ve really been something special. Well, it already is because I loved watching my son pointing out all of the different animals, naming them at the top of his lungs and “ohhh” and “ahhhh”ing at the action. As a avid film goer and fanatic I might only make a couple of more trips to this wild circus of a movie before I start to just fast forward to the good stuff.

Per IMDB.com, it describes ANIMAL CRACKERS as: “A family must use a magical box of Animal Crackers to save a run-down circus from being taken over by their evil uncle Horatio P. Huntington.” This movie was originally intended to be released on April 27, 2017 by Relativity Media, before they went defunct. It then set to be released on September 1, 2017 by upstart film company Serafini Releasing before they also shut down. This movie was later acquired by Entertainment Studios Motion Pictures, but the producers have since come out from that deal. The film almost never came out because it was held up for almost a year due to a lawsuit by a Seattle fisherman named Rodger May who claimed he owned the copyright to the film. The lawsuit was eventually withdrawn. All records of the lawsuit are public and can be found by a search for “Mayday vs. Animal Crackers”. Eventually Netflix bought it and although it was finished in 2017, that copyright states 2019. And then it was just released this past weekend on the streaming platform. I recommend you take a deeper look into its history, it is quite interesting to say the least. More interesting than the first half. Anyway, the point is, it is out there now, which is good because I don’t think any project should be delayed that long to see the light of day…looking at you New Mutants! The voice acting in this is excellent, there are too many celebrities to list but you have Danny DeVito, Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, Ian McKellen, and Sylvester Stallone. They all do a fantastic job, Stallone’s Bullet-Man character making me laugh out loud several times.

The other two things that make me ultimately recommend this movie is that the action packed climax is perfectly executed combining perfect pacing with plot progression, and then the rules of the animal crackers themselves. To try and explain it to the best of my ability, there is this box of animal crackers passed down from generation to generation that magically never, ever run out. You eat one, it turns into the animal that you eat, and then to turn back into human, you have to find the human cracker of you in the box, and then once you eat that, you turn back to your normal self while the cookie of the animal you had just eaten reappears in the box. There are other new rules that you figure out along the way as well, but revealing any of those would be spoilers and it is best for you to experience the journey for yourselves if you have any interest in watching this thing with your kids and family. I like how it stuck to the rules, and that there were no bending or breaking of them, it was all quite clever, even though some twists at the end I saw coming from a mile away. Again, I just wish the first half was as good. In any kind of movie you just can’t have the interest bits come up when you finally introduce the MacGuffin’s. Your story and movie need to have a beginning hook, and I just found it to be boring plot set up that felt like I was watching a standard biography on a generation of a family. That’s just me though. The animation is nice and pleasing to the eye, and the second half will definitely grab you, it’s just that those first 30 minutes were almost too bland and stale. Key word is almost.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT

You can say that again. Normally I would tease what I really think about a movie just to get clicks and for you to read my entire review, but this time…eh, fuck it. I should have left YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT about 30 minutes into this 1 hour and 33 minute film. That runtime felt more like a two and a half hour one filled with “what’s?”, “really’s?”, slogs, bores and snores. But my rule is, in order to fully review a film, you have to fully watch it, so I battened down the hatches and watched the final hour. And while the movie is well shot, framed and moderately well acted, if you watch closely you’ll realize that it’s just a “smoke and mirrors” film: cheap editing and post production tricks to make you think it’s more special than it really is. But when the end credits roll, if you ever took a film class in college, you’ll be thinking the exact same thing as me: that this would’ve been a perfect little 15-20 minute short film because of how inconsequential the small message is at the end of the film. If you think the movie makes absolutely no sense, it doesn’t, until it does, and then when it reveals itself you’ll get a relatively confused look on your face and say, “wait, all that for THAT?!?” Yep, there isn’t anything deeper under the surface. It’s a very boring, very “meh” haunted house movie that unfortunately doesn’t really do anything different from some others that have been released recently, such as the overrated Relic that was released just a few weeks ago.

When this movie came out a month, month and a half ago via PVOD for $19.99 for a 48 hr rental, I knew to just be patient, and based on the poor reviews this was receiving, knew that it would be 5 bucks in no time. Well only a month and a half is definitely no time at all in the film buisness. And frankly, if I had spent $19.99 for one viewing of this movie back in June I would’ve slapped myself silly. Per IMDB, their log line for You Should Have Left is as follows: “A former banker (Kevin Bacon), his actress wife (Amanda Seyfried), and their spirited daughter book a vacation at an isolated modern home in the Welsh countryside where nothing is quite as it seems.” Ugh, when a movie’s log line uses “nothing is quite as it seems,” it seems to be at a loss for words on how else to describe a very plain, cut and dry film. They should just come out and say, “it’s basically another boring psychological haunted house film with cheap jump scares that don’t work at all.” Has David Koepp not learned anything from his poorly reviewed other films, such as his last “horror” film Secret Window or his last blockbuster he co-wrote…Tom Cruise’s The Mummy…or even before that…Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull? I’ll give you a minute to let Mr. Koepp’s post year 2000 screenwriting ability seep in. What happened to this guy? In the 90’s he wrote fantastic adaptations of Jurassic Park and Mission: Impossible…oh wait though, he also did The Lost World and Snake Eyes…but wait…give him Stir of Echoes (his last collaboration with Kevin Bacon) and I’ll give him writing credit on one post 2000 film, Panic Room. But instead of dragging through his entire filmography for another two paragraphs before I get to my point, like he did with this film, let me just say it: The man is the epitome of a roller coaster like film career. Screenwriting wise.

While his writing career is full of highs and lows, his directing career is mostly lows. And all I need to point out is one film to prove my point: Mortdecai starring Johnny Depp. He has only directed one decent movie, Stir of Echoes. And even then there are some out there that feel that that movie is overrated. While You Should Have Left is well shot, the screenplay is so boringly bad that it takes away from that fact in the end. I would trust him more if he directed a horror movie where he didn’t have a hand in the screenplay whatsoever. He could focus on his directing craft instead of trying to do that WHILE looking and changing the blueprints every two seconds. Blueprints that were wonky to begin with. Again, the whole movie will leave you very confused the entire run time as to what its endgame is until about 5 minutes left, and even after it is revealed, you’ll be as disappointed in the conclusion as well as the journey. It is not one of the year’s worst films, because you can tell it was made with some effort. There is precisely one shot in the movie I like, in the house’s stairwell with a swinging light. I would rather watch Kevin Bacon run up and down those stairs all day than watch this film again. The acting is decent, but then again Bacon and Seyfried are pros, so that wasn’t shocking. What’s shocking was just how “meh” this film was. It was unnecessary and pointless. The point has been done before and in much better movies. But Blumhouse, who produced this film, makes a shit ton of movies on a very small ass budget. So to get Kevin Bacon and Amanda Seyfried in a movie that takes place mostly just inside a house…why not right? I’ll tell you why not. Because they left logic, reasoning, and most of all…they left the scares nowhere to be seen.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE RENTAL

Finally, a slow burn horror/thriller film that is decently developed during that down time in the first act. Then, when the shit hits the fan in acts two and three, the shit really, really hits the fan. Some will argue that THE RENTAL is a little too conventional for Dave Franco’s theatrical length directorial debut (he also co-wrote this). I would argue that not only is that okay when the rest of your film is downright entertaining as hell, but it should be completely ignored when you prove that you have a promising eye behind the camera. Dave Franco, he’s honestly not that great of an actor. He’s very limited when in front of the camera, but that is just my opinion of course. However, with this first big-ish feature, kind of like Ben Affleck’s first film, Gone Baby Gone, he shows that maybe he should do what Ben Affleck couldn’t: quit his day job. His future is bright and I hope he takes more roles behind the camera from now on (and none in front of them). Whether that happens remains to be seen but I have a good feeling about it. Granted, there are some flaws in the woodwork, such as the real villain isn’t ‘revealed’ until too late in the feature, all of the characters (except maybe Alison Brie’s and some aspects of Jeremy Allen White’s) are very, very unlikable, and some of the suspense could’ve been slowed down instead of rushed at times. Overall though, the hell of a good time I had with this movie is worth the price of rental (pun intended) alone.

Per IMDB, The Rental stars Dan Stevens, Alison Brie, Sheila Vand, and Jeremy Allen White and is described as: “Two couples rent a vacation home for what should be a celebratory weekend get-away.” That log line is perfect. It teases with the words, ‘what should be’ and just leaves it at that. I need to get into some of the details of the story just a tad more for my review, mainly so I can give my critique acting wise.I promise to still not reveal much. Jeremy Allen White is Dan Steven’s character’s brother in this, he’s considered the “black sheep” of his family, and his girlfriend is someone that Dan Steven’s character closely works with. Any other reveals would ruin everything. Everybody acting wise, does a great job here, especially Dan Stevens, even though that most of the things these characters wind up doing throughout this film make them completely un-sympathetic to the audience, unlikable and they all look really fucking dumb. Two exceptions to my train of thought. First off, the only reason why Alison Brie’s character may come off as unlikable is due to the fact that she makes some really dumb fucking decisions in this movie and isn’t shown doing much else. Her character has a decent personality, but she really isn’t given much of a back story for the audience to invest any likable feelings at all toward her. I have a feeling that a few more scenes of her, a well written background, and an actual narrative arc could’ve made her the only character we sympathize with, which would strengthened the impact of some of the shit that goes down.

Secondly, Jeremy Allen White at least doesn’t play the typical “black sheep of the family” movie trope. He knows he fucks up and he’s actually generally sorry for what he’s done, even though he keeps on keepin’ on fuckin’ up. But with The Rental, you don’t really stay for the likability of the characters or some of the cliched dialogue, you stay for the last hour of pure…shit fan hittin’…madness. And that’s maybe why it could be argued that these characters are supposed to be unlikable, because you can’t wait for the bad shit to keep happening to them. For these clueless people renting this cliff side cabin/home, they keep making the dumbest fucking decisions possible, and with each passing minute you can’t wait for the next fuck up, which is only maybe 1 to 2 minutes after the last. That’s why some of the movies’ payoffs from the slow set ups in the first act are so juicy. You want to, but you just can’t look away from the bloody mayhem that follows. I just wish that the movie had set up the ‘villain’ a tad bit earlier, it felt like his reveal was almost too little too late. Not quite though for me here. Also, while Franco has an eye for the camera, the cinematography in this is excellent the shots are framed perfectly, there were a couple of moments that need more…oomph, shall we say. More tension that leaded into more pay off jump scares. I know his intentions were pure in that the movie is supposed to be more traumatic and creepy than it is a loud, big noise, unearned jump scares galore, teenage bullshit horror film, but some of the “gotcha!” pay offs needed just a tad bit more build up and they would’ve been masterful. However, for the first time in a long time, The Rental is a rental I’d rent more than once.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: CLEMENCY

Let’s get another two quick reviews out today shall we? Next up is CLEMENCY, which is probably the last film that toed the December 2019/January 2020 release date line that I will give my critique on (and it’s also the last one I truly know about). It was released very limited wise, in just two theaters (NY & LA) on December 27th 2019 to try and get a campaign going for Alfre Woodard for Best Actress at the Academy Awards. I don’t think it had much of a wider expansion, it definitely didn’t play at a theater near me around January, and I think it was just dumped on VOD a month or two ago. While this movie is in the 90 percentile on Rotten Tomatoes and there is giant praise of Alfre Woodard’s performance, I myself am going to say, in my own opinion of course, all of that is a bit exaggerated. Clemency is one of those one time watch factors for me, not because it is a bad film (although it has some major flaws), it is half way decent to be sure, but it was just too God damn depressing for me. And while Alfre Woodard’s performance was good, I didn’t think it was Oscar worthy (she for sure though made up for her weird performance in the Luke Cage Netflix TV series here, IMO). And while the story is supposed to show how an extreme career, specifically this one being a warden to a prison that also carries out executions, effects not only your outside life but also wrecks havoc on your personal demons, a lot of the examples used have been done before. You’ve seen them before too: getting drunk to temporarily make the pain go away, fighting with your spouse, crying at moments when you are supposed to show remorselessness and/or strength. It’s because of all this familiarity why I didn’t like it as much as I probably should have.

That’s not to say I didn’t like it. It’s a very well made film with very good acting, it’s just that I felt like it could’ve dug deeper into the personal demons motifs more. Per IMDB’s log line, it describes Clemency as: “As she prepares to execute another inmate, Bernadine must confront the psychological and emotional demons her job creates, ultimately connecting her to the man she is sanctioned to kill.” The main problem with this film being able to dig deeper into those issues is the problem with its focus. At first, it focuses solely on Alfre Woodward character, as it should, she is the lead, but juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust after it seems like it gets past all the personal demons we’ve seen before in better films and will go even further…it shifts focus to the inmate that is soon going to be executed. Which is completely fine by the way, but when I say it shifts focus, it COMPLETELY SHIFTS focus. At that point into the film, if it wanted to more accurately and more emotionally portray both Woodard and the inmate’s inner demons, they needed to interact with each other more than they ultimately ended up doing. They have only a couple of brief interactions with each other, all of which have him refusing to talk to her. Most of his interactions don’t involve her, and is just the inmate, played wonderfully by The Invisible Man’s Aldis Hodge by the way, interacting with a lost love, his lawyer, etc. But in order for the movie to have earned MY emotional investment, Woodard and Hodge needed more scenes and scenarios together. And when it failed to bring me that, it failed to garner the same praise from me that it had other critics.

This feels like two movies cobbled and edited into an hour and 50 minute movie. One movie where a prison warden starts to get too emotionally attached to those inmates being executed and another movie where an innocent inmate is on death row, hoping upon hope that the governor’s office will either grant him clemency at the last moment or his appeal goes through. That’s another thing I didn’t like a little about the movie. I think the movie should’ve challenged the viewer more, playing with the audience of whether this “cop killer” truly did the crime or not. However, there is one scene of the warden driving to work, and the inmate’s lawyer is doing some kind of radio interview, and the lawyer lays out all the evidence out of why he’s innocent. Why they gave all that info in a compacted two minutes instead of spread throughout the entire film is beyond me. And if all of that evidence was there in real life, it is really hard to believe that he would’ve been denied an appeal and not given a retrial. I don’t know, I can’t say anything about it because I’m white, and the character was black, and there is some awful racial injustice happening around the world right now that I couldn’t even begin to explain let alone comprehend. My point is I think the movie should’ve made it unclear whether he did it or not, to try to have the audience just invest with the character because he is being put to death against his will. If you can make a human being care and feel for a person being put to death, even if it is unclear whether the inmate did do the crime or not, that is some powerful, powerful cinema. On the other hand if you are going to go the route of, “this person is being denied appeals and put to death just because he’s black and he really is innocent,” you need to MAKE the movie about racial injustice. This movie wasn’t about that at all, hence why this whole film felt very unfocused for me.

Wow, this review is longer than I meant it to be as it feels like I’m trying to defend myself from calling this film “only okay.” I guess I am. But here’s the thing, two movies about inmate’s being put to death came out around the exact same time, and I would definitely recommend Just Mercy over this because that film had fantastic focus. It focused on two things: racial injustice and the relationship between Michael B. Jordan, and the inmate on death row played by Jamie Foxx. If that film, halfway through, had completely shifted focus to Brie Larson’s characters efforts, or another inmate perhaps, and then eventually got back to Jordan and Foxx, I would’ve said the exact same thing about that film as I am this one. It has all the ingredients there, writer and director Chinonye Chukwu just needed to punch up and strengthen the script. Moved some things around a little, added a little here and there, or taken a couple of things out. That’s all. The atmosphere in this film is perfect, the camera work is perfect, and the acting would’ve been perfect if it hadn’t had shifted attention to detail mid way through the film. It’s just frustrating for me, because right now and certainly while watching it, I could imagine the perfect film that Clemency could have been. But in the end, I have to stick to my movie loving instincts and I just can’t grant it clemency from being “only okay.”

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE TRUTH

THE TRUTH is that this review is going to be short because there really isn’t much to say about it. I can tell you that due to this whole COVID-19 situation, the Oscars is going to have very few choices of nominees come the beginning of next year, and this new film is buzzed about to be one of the few of them. Ethan Hawke and Juliette Binoche are in this, as supporting characters, but the movie is mostly in the French language with English subtitles. When Ethan Hawke is on screen, some plain English is spoken, but he seemed to be boozed out of his mind the entire time, his brief appearances in this likely the excuse for a French atmospheric vacation. I can also tell you that the main actress in this, Catherine Deneuve is the one getting the acting buzz and the screenplay is also getting some chatter. And she is indeed good, and the film does have some good dialogue and emotional exchanges between characters. Would I watch this film again? No. The film, according to IMDB, is described as such: “A stormy reunion between scriptwriter Lumir with her famous mother and actress, Fabienne, against the backdrop of Fabienne’s autobiographic book and her latest role in a Sci-Fi picture as a mother who never grows old.” With, the director, Hirokazu Koreeda, I’ve only seen one other of his films, the much, much superior movie titled Shoplifters, which was nominated for Best International Feature at the Academy Awards several years ago. The direction and screenwriting from him here is solid, I just prefer the other film.

I think the reason why I’m going to ultimately, probably not give this is a recommendation is because I hated the main character. She’s just another one of those “neglectful mother family members that are so set in their ways that you can’t even talk back to them or tell them off because they would just make the situation worse than it already was before, so you have to just take it up the ass and deal with it.” I cannot stand people set in their ways. There is always room for change for me, and to see people refuse to see things from a different point of view and not even budge infuriates me to no end. I have to deal with it constantly in real life (not you Mom & Dad, if you read this) and it makes me so mad I just want to throw my fist through a wall. These people, if they start to show any type of change whatsoever, it really isn’t change and there was an ulterior motive for their slight alteration in their behavior. That’s basically what the entire hour and 47 minutes of this film is. An older woman set in ways that bitches about her career, doesn’t feel any remorse for some of the terrible and questionable things she has done, and doesn’t change in the end. Constantly fighting with her daughter, telling her the American TV actor she married is no good, and also had just finished a book, most of the experiences in her life a flat out lie (hence the title). The acting from everyone is solid, and the dialogue and direction is crisp and clear…it’s a well made film for sure, but the truth is I never want to watch it again, let alone talk about it again, because of the real memories it stirs up on other people in my life that just refuse to accept a different way to think and feel once in awhile.