Tag: Netflix

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES (Netflix)

ALL THE BRIGHT PLACES on Netflix, which was just released this past weekend is actually not bad at all, if you can swallow that it is basically just The Fault In Our Stars but instead of cancer/disease it is depression/suicide. Don’t worry, this is not going to be me on another rant on how nothing is original in Hollywood anymore, because I managed to look past the fact that this was just another play on an age old tragedy, and find the good, decent, and most importantly, original inside. The music in this movie is incredible, I’m still humming the instrumentals out loud as I type this. The acting is perfection from Elle Fanning (per usual) and Justice Smith (his career best so far). And I think it displays the themes and issues surrounding depression and suicide well albeit in only a few new unique ways, mostly messages we’ve heard of before. Be warned, this movie is very sad and you will probably cry (probably like you did with The Fault In Our Stars), but it is entertaining and tells a good story and some might even say it could be inspirational for those suffering from depression. If you just go into it with an open mind and try to keep the similar films comparisons at bay, it’s a solid Netflix film.

The film (based on a book, like The Fault In Our Stars was) is about a girl named Violet who is about to jump off a bridge where her sister died tragically in a car accident months earlier, when a boy named Finch just happens to be doing his usual exercise routine of running, notices her and gets her to step off. He then tries to help her by seeing the bright side of life, and inserting himself into her life as much as possible, including making her be his school project partner where they have to wander around, visit and report on random places in Indiana. Suffice to say, they fall in love and if you’ve seen The Fault In Our Stars, and switch the cancer element out with depression, you’ll know exactly how it ends. So…I guess I should’ve put a spoiler alert warning? Anyway, even with the similarities, the characters don’t do all the same things in their time together, and the acting and characters are definitely different and more unique from each other to keep things fresh. I’ve kept my eye on Elle Fanning as an actress ever since her excellent debut in Super 8, and it is just a matter of time before she gets a huge big break in the theater and possibly snag an Oscar. Justice Smith gives us his career best performance so far as Finch (you might know him from his turns in Detective Pikachu Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Paper Towns, Every Day and the TV series The Get Down) and proves that he might be a force to be reckoned with. He just needs bigger and better roles and hopefully isn’t just reduced to Netflix films in the future.

Anyway, this is going to be one of my shorter reviews, as there is not much to say about the film without truly spoiling it all. The movie is heartbreaking yet inspirational and entertaining to say the least. Make sure you have tissues handy. The film is directed by Brett Haley, who I’ve only seen one other film which was The Hero starring Sam Elliott, and that was pretty good, even though it was basically Crazy Heart. I do need to check out Heart Beats Loud that stars Nick Offerman, I’ve heard that is excellent. The film was co-written by the author herself Jennifer Niven, so I’m assuming that the film doesn’t stray too far from the novel, and more surprisingly, Liz Hannah, who co-wrote the excellent Steven Spielberg film The Post, and the most recent comedy Long Shot with Seth Rogen and Charlize Theron. Those films had excellent dialogue and it is no exception here. The number one thing that can make or break these YA dramas is sometimes the dialogue. I have seen great concept after great concept being ruined by what is coming out of the actors mouths. Thankfully, that is not the case with All The Bright Places, everything said feels realistic and true. So yeah, if you need a good cry, definitely cue this up on Netflix, just know that you might be watching The Fault In Our Stars as somewhat of a copy cat double feature.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LAST THING HE WANTED (Netflix)

“WHAT…IS…HAPPENING?!?” I screamed out this phrase about four or five times while watching this new contender for worst film of the year…that’s right, even worse than the awful remakes of The Grudge and Fantasy Island, and you want to know why? At least I knew what the fuck was going on in those movies, even though in the end I ultimately didn’t care for either of them. I had no idea what the fuck was going on in THE LAST THING HE WANTED until one critic decided to do some extra do diligence and publish an entire article explaining what was going on. And it took me awhile to find that article! (will post it on both my Facebook page and Twitter for those interested, fyi I read said article AFTER I had finished the movie to relax my lost brain). And the background of U.S. history not explained isn’t the only reason why I had no clue what was going on. The editing was choppy, the cliched dialogue certainly didn’t help, there was too much paranoia, too many back stabbings, and some key important events were not shown that just enhanced said confusion. It seemed to me that this film should’ve been about a half hour longer and it already clocks in at just under two! It is all even more disappointing considering the fact that writer/director Dee Rees last film, Mudbound, another original Netflix film, was freaking fantastic. This is a movie that you absolutely need to go out of your way to avoid if it hits your Netflix queue. It is one of the most absolute wastes of time I experienced, even more so than my pick for last year’s worst film, Cats.

You are probably wondering whether or not I can explain the movie to you…I can! But by way of borrowing and giving credit to IMDB.com and Wikipedia: “The story centers around Elena McMahon, a reporter for the Washington Post who quits her job covering the  1984 Presidential Election to care for her father after her mother’s death. In an unusual turn of events, she inherits his position as an arms dealer for the U.S. Government in Central America which makes her lose the thread of her own narrative and thrusts her from byline to unwitting subject in the very story she’s trying to break.” Adapted some from fucking novel I’ll now never read. Look, if you want to know what is going on just a little bit BEFORE you start to watch this movie (if for some reason you are still interested in checking it out after my scathing review) know this: You need to know some of the background of the layered and complex history of the United States and its shady intervention in Central America during the Cold War. To borrow also from the article I’m about to post in the comments of this review: “the United States government was providing millions of dollars of military aid to the El Salvador government during the Salvadoran Civil War, because the El Salvador government was considered a Cold War ally. This means the U.S. directly contributed to the many civilian murders and human rights violations committed by the El Salvador armed forces.” So once you know all that, and combine it with the combined IMDB and Wikipedia summaries of the movie itself, maybe you’ll enjoy the film more?

But see, here’s the thing, if you want your audience invested in the movie, you can’t just assume the viewers are going to know that part of American history well. Yes, you’ll probably need some beginning scene that combines a montage with old archived footage with some background narration (possibly the protagonist), telling you what’s what. And yes, you might not want that because every other new movie that is released does that, but you know what? In a world where everybody is staring at their phones obsessing over social media posts, the likely hood they are going to use those mediums to search American history during the Cold War in the 1980s is slim to fucking none. To tell you the truth, it is cliched, yet a necessity in a movie like this. But what makes my observation even more confusing is that THE FILM STARTS AND ENDS WITH FUCKING NARRATION FROM THE PROTAGONIST!!! (BTW, I haven’t heard of an opening narration so bad since the original theatrical cut of the first Blade Runner films in the 80s) ARE YOU MEANING TO TELL ME THERE COULDN’T HAVE BEEN A SCENE OR TWO ADDED TO TELL US WHAT THE FUCK WHAT GOING ON?!? I know there are stupid people out there that probably still wouldn’t get it after being fed the info with a silver spoon in their mouths, but when you have critic after critic after critic tearing this movie apart because they had no clue what was going on, and then I don’t get what was going on until I found an obscure article telling me what apparently the filmmakers thought I was already supposed to know…you know your movie has a giant problem.

And the giant problem is that I just didn’t care what was happening on screen because I didn’t know any of the stakes. It is just Anne Hathaway being depressed, mad, paranoid and running for her life for two hours, with Ben Affleck in what is just a glorified extended cameo where you can tell he just did it for the paycheck with his blank stare, phoned in performance. Oh, and it has Willem Dafoe for two scenes playing Hathaway’s father, where it should’ve been three or four, with a proper conclusion to his character than just “blind or you’ll miss it” dialogue explaining what happened to him. It’s all just a stupid, awful, boring, confusing mess. And the ending is laughably dumb with a slow motion shot (you’ll know it when you see it) that lasts way too long and had me laughing my ass off (I was well fed up with the film by then to the point of laughing hysterically). Why did Netflix purchase this film to stream on its platform knowing how bad it was? Whatever film festival is debut in January, the reviews were all terrible, does Netflix really have all that cash to waste on a project like this? Maybe it’s because of their relationship with Dee Rees and her successful Mudbound movie a couple of years ago? Who knows, but this film should’ve never seen the light of day unless there happened to have been extensive re shoots where audiences could figure out what the fuck was going on the entire two hours. The last thing I wanted was to watch a film as bad as this. Should’ve trusted the other reviews on this one. Do yourself a favor and trust mine.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HORSE GIRL (Netflix)

Only a month and a half into 2020 and we already have a contender for strangest film of the year, Netflix’s new film, HORSE GIRL. Not only strange, but weird, boring and didn’t really do much for me. I felt like I ‘got’ the film, especially one very important blink and you’ll miss it clue that ties the very beginning and very end of the film together, it’s just that the subject matter it presented was only surface level. The whole film was trying too hard to be ambiguous while asking the question: is this individual suffering from an extreme case of several mental illnesses or is all this crazy shit she is saying is happening to her and what the audience sees happening to her, really reality? Off the top of my head, I can list about ten to twenty films in the same genre that do its themes more justice than this one does. The two things that prevent this film from being one giant clusterfuck is some of the visuals and Alison Brie’s fantastic performance. However, this just may be my opinion of it. If you like really ambiguous weird slow burn films such as It Comes At Night or The Witch or Bug, films that I really don’t care for, you might get something out of it. I have a feeling it is going to fall back in Netflix obscurity, never to be seen on recommendations, only found if specifically looking for it in the streaming platforms search engine.

The film starts out interestingly enough. Alison Brie stars as Sarah, a shy and socially awkward woman who works in an arts and crafts store, that cares deeply for a horse that she rode when she was younger, that is scared of losing her mind like her grandmother had and then her mother, the latter of which killed herself. She has minor sleepwalking problems, and life seems to maybe finally turn around for her when she meets her roommate’s boyfriend’s roommate, as they hit it off and have a lot in common. But after that meeting, strange shit starts to happen, her sleep walking gets much, much worse, and she has very lucid dreams that start to blend with her reality. Is this all really happening to her, or is she slowly losing her mind as her mom and grandmother once did. The film’s first problem is that it doesn’t play up on the is she delusional or is she not delusional angle. There are too many context clues in the film to give any audience member paying even the most minimum attention to the film that they could an answer to what is really going on. And then there is the blink and you’ll miss it giant clue at the end that makes you wonder why this story even needed to be told.

Films about mental illness can be very informative learning experiences mixed with some sort of entertainment value to keep the audiences interest. Joker failed with that concept, and so does this film. Her mental state, issues, and complexities are only skin deep and only mildly talked about. It doesn’t deep dive at all into the problems at hand. Instead the movie, especially in the last 30 minutes, just tries to be artsy fartsy with a bunch of images that are meant to take the viewer on a wild journey into her head that is supposed bring up important discussions but only manage to illicit yawns. I found myself nodding off several times. The film is well acted, as Alison Brie’s performance is the best she’s ever done, completely shedding that goofy, cute, aw shucks sweetness you’ve seen from her on Community and Glow, and going for something more than just one dimensional. It was also nice to see Debbie Ryan play it straight as Brie’s roommate, and there are also very minor parts from Molly Shannon and Paul Reiser, who are good with how little they are given (Reiser is in the film maybe 3 minutes out of the 1 hr 43 minute run time). Unfortunately Brie is also to blame for the mediocrity of the movie, as she co-wrote the film with director Jeff Baena, who’s other writing/directing credits such as I Heart Huckabees and Life After Beth, I am not too fond of in the first place.

So in the end, what do I know really? I’m just giving you my review of what I thought, and I was bored and ultimately just said “meh” once the credits started rolling. It was a film that was supposed to make you think and have conversations about important issues but instead made me yawn half a dozen times, my eyes drooped and I immediately wanted to forget about the film once it was over. But you could be one of those people that likes movies like this. If any of what I described to you peaks your interest, I more than welcome you to check it out and get your own opinion of it. I just didn’t care for it at all. But if this sounds like it would be a headache to get through for you, and you have my particular film taste, then trust me, stay far away. What really strikes me as odd is that Brie wrote this film because of her real grandmother’s own mental illness. Surely there was a better film in the mind of her and that director somewhere. Was this just her own catharsis to deal with it all? I don’t know, and in the end, I don’t care. There are other, better films on Netflix to enjoy. Just like its play on time in the film, Horse Girl will ultimately be lost in time and maybe even its digital footprint from the streaming platform one day to save space for something else. It really is that forgettable.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TO ALL THE BOYS – P.S. I STILL LOVE YOU (Netflix)

You have to give Netflix one thing, it is smart as fuck to be releasing TO ALL THE BOYS – P.S. I STILL LOVE YOU two days before Valentine’s Day, and especially in 2020. Why? Because the theaters have almost absolutely nothing to offer lovers and couples. The streaming platform is going to get a bunch of views and a shit ton of ‘Netflix and Fuc’….errr…’Netflix and Chill’ moments. I mean, are people really going to go on a Valentine’s Day date to see a very CGI’d hedgehog get the best of the wackiest version of Jim Carrey’s we have gotten since the 90s? Are they wanting to spend a romantic evening watching a horror film called The Lodge or a huge out of left field re-imagining of a beloved TV classic (Fantasy Island) that isn’t even being screened for critics? The only thing close theaters have to offer anyone is The Photograph with Issae Rae and Lakieth Steinfeld…but come on…not to sound racist, merely pointing out facts, we all know that movie is targeted really for only one demographic and isn’t poised to make that much money this weekend. This ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ Netflix sequel is not only targeted for a much, much wider demographic of people, but you can watch it in the comfort of your own home, and don’t have to deal with any other human beings dumb enough to go to the theaters on the most romantic day of the year. The two questions left is what are you going to think of this film, and what did I think of it since I already watched it this morning? Basically, it’s a real simple love potion of a formula: if you liked/loved the first film, you will like/love the sequel.

Me? I thought the first film was a very cute and had solid acting but ultimately forgettable in the end (even though I still sort of remember the first one). All romantic comedy cliche tropes are in full force here, literally no surprises from Act I all the way to Act III. Actor Noah Centineo (Peter) has now completely type cast himself as THE “Netflix Hunk” and unless the upcoming reboot of Master of the Universe exceeds expectations and does him any favors, I’m afraid that’s what he’ll be relegated to the rest of his life. But is that really a bad thing? As the go to Netflix Hunk in your Netflix romantic comedies, he’s the real deal. Yes, he’s basically the same character in this, The Perfect Date, the Charlie’s Angels reboot, The Fosters and Sierra Burgess Is A Loser, but he makes that character charming and someone I’d want to be with if I was a woman or gay. But he’s not the star of this film, merely supporting, as actress Lana Condor plays Lara Jean, and she is just as solid as well, making her character a wholesome girl I would want to be with if I wasn’t already taken and married. If you remember the first film, it is about her character and her letter’s that she wrote to five boys that she had a crush on when she was younger, letter’s not really for the guys but for herself, but her sister finds them, and sends them to the intended recipients. One turned out to be gay, one letter was returned to her, one was to her cute and nice boy neighbor who just had a break up with Lara Jean’s older sister , one letter doesn’t get to another boy until the very end of the first movie (who is one of the main supporting characters in this one), and then one gets to Peter, the main boy from the first one and who’s still the main character in this. Boom, I just described the first half of the first movie.

Anyway, Peter and Lara Jean are together at the beginning of this one and then the last boy with her last letter, John Ambrose, who shows up at the very end of the first movie (albeit in this he is a different actor now, guess they didn’t really think they were going to get a sequel at the time) re inserts himself into Lara Jean’s life, particularly when she is volunteering at this retirement community, and winds up ruffling her feelings for Peter. To me, this didn’t really feel like a true sequel, they probably could’ve cut off the very end of the first film and just added this one on to the end of it and it could’ve been one giant three hour sappy lovey dovey rom com. Or broke it up into 30 minute episodes for a mini TV series. It feels like an epilogue rather than its own thing, and for fans of the books, I couldn’t compare and tell you if that is ultimately a good or bad thing. To me, it felt like I waited two years for just another episode into the lives of these teens. The first film is much better, as the whole story with Lara Jean pretending to be Peter’s girlfriend and their real relationship blossoming from that felt more authentic here when in this sequel, they are still trying to figure out problems between them that I thought were over, solved, and done with from the first film. The ending in this was also a little anti climatic, as everything gets solved within 3 minutes, the past hour and 35 minutes needlessly trying to build up to this choice that ultimately didn’t matter, raise any stakes, or had me worried for the outcome…one bit. The film should’ve taken more chances, not just with her ultimate choice in the end, but maybe some other plot devices that could’ve thrown more wrenches into things. It tries to have this B plot with Lara Jean’s father moving on with his life to date a cute and just divorced neighbor from across the street, but even that story is tied up too quickly into a nice bow.

And yes, I know it sounds like this is a negative review. It’s not, I swear I thought it was enjoyable for what it was. I wish it had more laughs, it is definitely more rom than com and after all is said and done it is just ultimately a cute, strongly acted, forgettable epilogue (definitely weird as it seems a third and final film is already in production ((to adapt the last book)) because it seemed like film had a definitive ending, unlike the first). And I know it’s just a “Netflix” film, but I really wish the producers of these films and the brains behind the streaming platform would realize that they have more potential with these kinds of movies in order to shake things up a little from the books and the cliches that have been dozen and dozens of times, go into unknown narrative territory. These two movies contain strong performances from their two leads that deserve to be in much stronger films. But in the ends I just have to look at the facts when reviewing this: was the movie unnecessary? Abso-fucking-lutely. Did I enjoy myself? Yes I did, the movies pacing a adequate (1 hr 40 minute) run time went by in a flash. Did I like the acting? Lana Condor and Noah Centineo give it their all in these films and it shows. Would I watch it again with my wife if she was interested? Absolutely. Would I forget about it in a year or two? Absolutely yes…until the third film ultimately cues up when starting Netflix. Then I’d forget about all of them by 2025.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE TWO POPES (Netflix)

If you don’t know what THE TWO POPES is, I don’t blame ya. If you do know what this movie is and what it is about, my guess is that you are either extremely religious or knew about the shake up of Popes at the Vatican back in 2013 (me? no fuckin’ clue). In Layman’s Terms for everyone to understand: it is pure Oscar bait, specifically for Best Picture and a Best Actor nod for co-star Jonathan Pryce. For me, the movie is a one and done. I watch it once, I think it is decent, but will never have any desire to watch it again. Not because it isn’t a good film or is boring or that I’m not at all religious or anything. I just got all out of it that I could in this one viewing and don’t think another would benefit me down the line. The main reason to watch this is not for Anthony Hopkins performance, but for Jonathan Pryce, a more background character film actor, who was that main religious honcho on Game of Thrones a couple of seasons ago…I know him more as the Bond villain from Tomorrow Never Dies and the guy that played Glenn Close’s husband in last year’s The Wife. It is a pure performance film, as the way it is shot at times can make you woozy, as there was way too much shaky cam. Come for the performances, stay for them and the story, and try and tolerate the messy camera work.

The whole film is conversations between Pope Benedict XVI and Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, where Bergoglio is going to see Benedict to ask for a early retirement, and Benedict wants to tell Bergoglio something he is about to do that could shake up the whole foundation of the Church. The two express their different ways of looking at service to God and his people but in their talks with each other they are able to put aside their differences and warm up to each others beliefs. Then, several times throughout the conversations, we get flashbacks of Bergoglio’s earlier years and the guilt he has over not doing enough to prevent the deaths of close ones during the time known as the “Dirty War” and the rest of his time as a collaborator with the Argentine military dictatorship and the consequences some of his inaction caused. Anthony Hopkins is basically just Anthony Hopkins in this. All of his mannerisms are there, as he’s just going through the motions collecting his paycheck. His best phoned in performance since Transformers The Last Knight. But Jonathan Pryce is the performance to watch. He’s incredible here, his emotions showing deeper meaning to everything his character has to say.

It’s just two hours of conversations, a couple of laughs, and two people with differences that are able to set them aside and get along. With a couple of flashbacks to explain why one of them wants to retire early, and news reports of why the other one is a controversial figure at that moment. I think the more religious **coughCatholicspecificallycough** you are the more you will get out of this film. The only thing that confuses me is the amount of shaky cam that is in the film. It is unneeded, as the cinematography is bright and clear enough to give off the giant majesty of the Vatican, Italy, and the other cities of Rome. It’s like director Fernando Meirelles wanted to add something so it wouldn’t just be a complete “point and shoot” affair. I just don’t see how he didn’t just his cinematographer to make the movie rise above that mediocrity. The shaky came brought it back to mediocrity. Anyway, if you are a Oscar hound like I am, this is required viewing, and if you are Catholic and really religious, you might want to check this out and will definitely get more out of it than I did. Half way decent one time watch is all it is, and it wouldn’t bother me at all of Pryce won Best Actor in February.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MARRIAGE STORY (Netflix, no spoilers)

MARRIAGE STORY is Noah Baumbach’s best film. If you’ve been a long time reader of my reviews, or know me in person, I probably haven’t said too kind a word about most of Baumbach’s filmography including (but not limited to) Greenberg, Frances Ha, The Meyerowitz Stories or even the critically acclaimed The Squid And The Whale. I just thought his films were a little bit too quirky and they were trying to be quirky without being subtle with any of it, trying to shove it in your face and scream in your ear, “Hey, I’m a really quirky independent film, look how fucking quirky I am, you must love me because I’m different and quirky.” No, that shit doesn’t work for me. Marriage Story is his most real and down to Earth film, some parts being quirky, but they earn their quirkiness for being real and not shoving spoonfuls of it into your face. The dialogue is crisp, the acting is fucking phenomenal, both Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson deserve to be nominated, and I would not raise one concern if they ended up winning. Marriage Story is actually a pretty great film. But I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever watch it again. Ever. Have I said ever?

Not to rip on the film, it’s trying to be as real as possible, and I appreciate that in the best way possible, but this film is so fucking hard to watch. And I can’t imagine how hard it is to watch for couples/individuals going through a divorce, already been divorced, thinking about divorce, right at the end of a divorce, fuck, even for people going through a small rough patch in their relationship/marriage. It really fucking feels real. Oh shit….did I forget to mention what the film is about? Well, the title is a little misleading isn’t it? The movie is called Marriage Story, but it’s really the story of a couple going through a divorce with a kid. And no, it doesn’t go through flashbacks with them to show their marriage through the years (that is done tastefully and authentically well represented through fantastic dialogue), it is just saying that divorce could be part of a story about marriage. Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson’s characters are medium profile successful people. Driver’s a director who’s play that he co-developed with Johansson is about to launch on Broadway without her (because of the divorce) and she is a small time actress whose TV pilot got picked up to series, and she had a huge teen movie hit in her past. She moves to L.A. for the show and wants Henry to be with her. Driver wants to stay with his career in New York. They both want to do the divorce without lawyers, but suddenly she’s getting one, which forces him to get one…as you can see, it turns into a giant messy mess, which I’m guessing is what a lot of divorces are and what they do to people.

That’s all I’ll tell you about the story film. The film is a hefty 2 hrs and 15 minutes of just depressing sadness. But there isn’t a slow minute to be found. The dialogue is crisp, clean, interesting to hear, real and comes at you at rapid pace. There are some genuinely funny scenes that try and relieve you somewhat of the trauma these two are going into but don’t be fooled, this movie is a straight one way ticket to Depressed Town. The ending? Hopeful yet real yet still made me sad. It’s just a sad sad sad sad movie. And I think the reason it is so sad is because of the acting and that these characters seem like people you might know in your own lives. Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson deserve all the acting nods and possible awards they are going to get in this. They are absolutely fucking incredible, the best performances I’ve seen from either of them, and Scarlett was fantastic in JoJo Rabbit just a month ago as well, Driver great in The Report on Amazon Prime. I love how the film paints neither as a bad guy, they are just wanting something different out of their lives, and think that this divorce will finally un-tether a cord that has long been frayed. The movie doesn’t choose sides at all. It chooses a side on certain situations, but these two characters aren’t despicable or ugly or mean, or unforgivable. They are just normal people.

Other fantastic performances include the always amazing Laura Dern and the fiesty Ray Liotta, who play their lawyers. Very good bit parts for them. Marriage Story is an excellent film. I can’t even deny it. There was hard work in writing it I’m sure, and hard work in directing it as Noah Baumbach has stated he took some of what happened with his divorce with Jennifer Jason Leigh into account with this story. It’s very well made and Netflix was very smart into picking this up for their platform. This did not need to be a theatrical release as I think the subject matter wouldn’t have people flocking to the theaters. It’s a perfect little awards film. But I don’t think I could get through it again with how fucking sad and depressing it is. Am I recommending it? If the subject matter doesn’t bother you at all, then I say you absolutely give it a watch. People that cry during movies a lot? No. Depressed individuals? Are…are you kidding? Happy couples or people in a happy marriage? Well, I mean, sure as long as you don’t think it is going to start exposing the little shit layer by layer and then you end up pausing the movie and fighting yourselves. People going through or have been through a divorce? As Leo said in The Wolf Of Wall Street, “Absolutely fucking not.”

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: KLAUS (Netflix)

Hey, so it’s after Thanksgiving so you are probably looking for Christmas classics to watch with the family while they are still here for the weekend, exhausted from the bullshit that is Black Friday. While there are old reliable films such as Home Alone, The Santa Claus, It’s A Wonderful Life, White Christmas, Jingle All The Way, the bajillion adaptations of A Christmas Carol, and the classic claymation specials. Or if your family is just full of adults and you are into more sinister shit like Die Hard, some version of Black Christmas, Bad Santa or even the newer Better Watch Out, there is a new film I’d like to talk about on Netflix that was just released. Something that everyone, young and old, will enjoy, and that I think will end up being called a holiday classic in the next five years. It’s called KLAUS, and it is a more grounded, realistic take on how the whole myth and story of Kris Kringle came to be. It’s basically Santa Claus Begins, but with beautiful hand drawn animation that uses CGI lighting techniques to create an unique all new animated tale. It’s really something, the movie just keeps getting better and better as it goes along and deserves its emotional climax that I swear to God if you don’t have a lump in your throat, tearing up, or crying your eyes out at the end of it, you need a lump of coal in your stocking this year.

The film starts out with a post master general sending his self entitled spoiled brat son to a place far off north called Smeerensburg in a “make it or break it” deal: either successfully handle 6,000 letters in a year or be cut off from his lifestyle. When he gets to the town, it appears deserted but in actuality is invested by two groups of people that can’t fucking stand each other. There’s even a bell in the middle of town and when/if rung, they all come out of their homes to try to violently beat the shit out of each other (keep in mind, this is a family film so no one is actually really hurt and/or killed). Anyway, this spoiled brat postman eventually befriends a reclusive toy-maker, who feels bad for the children in the town that don’t have the hatred in their hearts the parents have for each other, and without spoiling anything else that happens in the film, the origin of the story of Santa Claus comes to light, albeit a bit more organically and realistically. There is of course more to the story, including a great comic relief gag about a woman that is a teacher at a school in town that isn’t used as a school, but as a fish shop, that all culminates in an hour and 36 minute tale that is magically funny, charming, heartrending, heartbreaking, yet hopeful and inspiring.

The voice acting elevates the film even more than the storytelling already does, with Jason Schwartzman, Rashida Jones, Joan Cusack, Norm MacDonald, the great J.K. Simmons, all providing excellent vocals to make all their characters come alive and not be one dimensional. Every emotional beat is earned, all wrapped into a giant incredible hand drawn animation package that you just don’t see anymore nowadays, but still wish you did. What is incredible is that Disney had nothing to do with this, this is Netflix’s first original animated feature, and they completely knock it out of the park. Their storytelling is so phenomenal, not even some of the best Pixar films have come close to matching Klaus’ wit and dexterity. I’m liking that my reviews have been shorter the past couple of go a-rounds, so I think I’ll end it here, and just say, Merry Thanksgiving/Christmas to all, and for those to all have a good night, cue this delightful film up to give your family nights some much needed holiday cheer.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE IRISHMAN (Netflix)

If Goodfellas, The Wolf Of Wall Street, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and The Departed are masterful Scorcese, and if Casino, The Aviator, Gangs of New York are great Scorcese, then Shutter Island, Silence, Hugo, and THE IRISHMAN are good Scorcese. Because really, has there ever been a bad Martin Scorcese film? Not that I’ve seen. This being his magnum opus and finale to his unofficial ‘gangster’ trilogy (the other two being Goodfellas and Casino. The Departed was more fictional), I expected maybe a bit…more? And no, not more run time wise (being 3 hrs and 30 minutes). One giant, glaring problem with the movie is that it is just way, way, way, way, long. There were several scenes I felt could’ve been cut to not only secure a smaller run time but maybe be a bit tighter narrative wise so that the end would’ve had a more emotional punch (maybe something between Goodfellas run time of 2 hrs and 30 minutes, and Casino’s run time of 3 hrs) Don’t get me wrong, I still liked the movie quite a bit, and the de-aging technology was absolutely phenomenal, but in the long run case of Martin Scorcese’s new movie, I felt like a little less would’ve been more.

But you get some great Scorcese scenes in here, particularly when he does his thing of making a scene nice, smooth, and rolling (literally) with a dolly, going into one room, back out, around, then back in. All the camera work in this film is stunning. And you get the great Scorcese acting. Everyone in here does a great job, to DeNiro, Pacino, and Pesci (although I can’t really see any acting nominations coming, a hard maybe with Pacino) to even Anna Paquin’s only two lines in the movie, every nuance performance makes a powerful statement. And this based on a true story tale is very interesting, and Wikipedia again makes more of a perfect log line then I could’ve: “The film follows Frank Sheeran (De Niro), a truck driver who becomes a hitman and gets involved with mobster Russell Bufalino (Pesci) and his crime family, including his time working for the powerful Teamster Jimmy Hoffa (Pacino).” I like my gangster dramas grounded, real, and down to Earth. And even though a lot of reports said that when Frank Sheeran divulged all this information near the end of his life, that he was more than likely full of it, everything that happens seemed real, like it really could’ve taken place, so I was completely sold.

The film uses its violence in just the right way, it isn’t over excessive or glorifying, and all the time periods it went through felt like those time periods. So why in the hell am I only saying it is good Scorcese, but not great or masterful? Again, it’s the run time. And I know the run time is supposed to make it feel like you were with Frank Sheeran all his life so when that last shot happens in the film, the message about these people’s lonely and dangerous lives really gets into your head, there are plenty of movies that achieved the same effect but were 45 minutes to an hour shorter. Constantly throughout the film, I was pointing to my television screen saying, “okay, didn’t really need that,” “nope, didn’t need that” and the film goes all Return of the King on us and has multiple endings, which lessens the emotional punch that the final shot is supposed to have.

The film still has an emotional punch, don’t get me wrong, it’s just lessened by the excessive amount of time it takes to make those points. And it just made me a little disappointed. Emphasis on little. Because the rest of the film is pretty great. Scorcese picks the perfect oldie music to surround his film, the editing and score is perfect, and the pacing is pretty good even though a couple of scenes go on too long. I’m not going to make the same mistake as Scorcese and have this review go on and on and on and on. So while I’m not going to make you an offer you can’t refuse to watch The Irishman, if you’ve got three hours and a half hours to kill, I can recommend that you can’t go wrong with another yard spinning new (and maybe last) gangster tale from a master class director.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LET IT SNOW (Netflix)

I didn’t know how to describe LET IT SNOW while watching it, so something my wife said that I thought was pretty accurate I got permission to use, and it’s “cute meh.” I would say it’s a more romantic, more serious, really loose remake of Nickelodeon’s Snow Day. With all the dumb rom-com dramedy cliches that come with it. Fortunately sprinkled with flakes of decent acting. Basically, you could watch much much much much worse than it, but you could watch so much better. It’s only one step above those crappy Christmas/Winter Hallmark Channel movies. Or that stupid Prince and the Pauper Netflix holiday remake film. Or those dumb Rose McIver Prince and Me Christmas themed rip offs. It’s definitely better than that Netflix summer version of this film conveniently titled, The Last Summer. But it’s definitely the kind of movie that Netflix should seriously think about not buying if they want to actually compete with the other streaming platforms in the future.

IMDB.com describes this movie best: In a small town on Christmas Eve, a snowstorm brings together a group of young people. Like I said, it’s a more serious version of Snow Day, but dealing with kids about to head off to college instead of middle school kids wanting an extra day off school. There is no Chevy Chase dumb weather reporter, and instead of an evil Chris Elliot snow plowman, there is Joan Cusack, who is a nice yet weird tow truck lady that spouts off life advice. And then add more cliches on top of the cliches that I’ve already spouted out. You have the small town girl who doesn’t know if she is going off to college because she wants to take care of her sick mother and ends up falling in love with a famous guy that just happened to be traveling through town. You have the guy and girl friend that have been best friends for the longest time but then they realize they might want something more. You have the wanna be DJ that wants to throw a giant party so maybe his career can take off. You have the girl obsessed with social media and keeps investigating to see if her boyfriend is going to break up with her. And then you have the lesbian in love with a girl that hasn’t come out to anyone and has a whole bunch of straight friends. You. Have. Heard. And. Seen. It. All. Before. Including the cheesy dialogue that comes with it.

It only works because of the acting. The people you might know it in is the girl that plays the new live action Dora The Explorer. The girl that plays Sabrina The Teenage Witch is in it. The guy that voices Miles Morales in Spider-Man Into The Spider-Verse is in it. The daughter in Santa Clarita Diet is in it. And Peter Parker’s Asian friend from the new Spider-Man movies is in it. And like I mentioned earlier, Joan Cusack (she also needlessly narrates the beginning and ending of the film). Oh and Janet from The Good Place is briefly in it. They all do a decent job with the shit cheesy dialogue that they have to work with. Not surprising that the screenwriter of all the Pitch Perfect movies is behind it. But more 2 and 3 quality instead of the really great original. You just go into it expecting all the predictability in the world and you won’t come out disappointed. And I’ll give the movie one more compliment, it looks like they actually shot on location, with real snow and shit, instead of it being fake snow on sets and set in California.

Am I recommending it? Slightly. It kept my attention enough and when I think about all the other shit that was released by Netflix this year such as: Sextuplets, The Last Laugh, The Last Summer, Someone Great, Murder Mystery, and The Silence, I really I would watch this a million times more than watching even five minutes of those others. My wife recommends it way more than I do. Like she just told me sitting next to me, “if you are looking for a halfway decent Christmas movie and you are bored, there is worse ways to spend your time. It’s cute meh.” Meh, I guess I’ll agree with her. But if I watched it by myself you could’ve expected a much more scathing review. You were lucky she was with me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE KING (Netflix)

How come nobody is talking more about this historical drama epic of Henry V, Prince of Whales, that was just released on Netflix this past weekend? Another question: why isn’t anyone talking about Robert Pattinson’s over the top deliciously awesome off the wall bonkers supporting performance as The Dauphin of France in this? If you haven’t check out THE KING on Netflix yet, do so. Yes, it is 2 hrs and 20 minutes long (minus about 8-9 minutes of end credits) but you don’t feel the length at all. It is probably the most watchable medieval epic of it’s kind since Kingdom of Heaven (THE DIRECTOR’S CUT, not that awful theatrical garbage version). With these kind of period piece epic films, it usually only takes me 10-15 to know whether I am going to come out loving/liking it to being 100% absolutely bored. I knew in 5 minutes that I was hooked. The film tries not to be overly complicated on its audience, a very smart move indeed. It is entertaining as hell, has a great score, and has some supremely masterful sequences. Just another film that shows that Netflix maybe starting to take things seriously with this whole streaming wars coming to fruition.

The movie is based on several plays from William Shakespeare’s “Henriad”, which chronicles Richard II, Henry IV, Part 1, Henry IV, Part 2, and Henry V, of which I am not familiar. This film chronicles the origin of Henry V and his invasion of France. Timothe Chalamet stars as the titular hero, one who doesn’t want the crown at first, but after his father dies, assumes leadership and very quickly has to get it together for England and its people. considering he disagreed with many of his fathers decisions. The ruler of France keeps taunting and threatening Henry V, and while he doesn’t want to go to war at first, the escalation goes quickly out of hand to where it no longer can be ignored. Henry, or “Hal” to his close friends, feels like there isn’t that many people to trust, and he has to navigate the new world given to him without getting manipulated or killed in the process. Usually a film to this degree would be about 3 hours, with the droning on and on of politics. The King says “fuck you” to that by getting down to business early on and never letting up. The film doesn’t have much flashy dialogue that would make it hard for audiences to get into, but it does have solid dialogue, makes the viewer understand what is going on and not make one decipher every sentence like they probably had to do in English class during high school.

There are some spectacular sequences in this too. My favorite would have to be when Henry V and his army reaching the castle of Harfluer and then seizing it by throwing endless balls of fire at it using trebuchets. Another sequences, very late into the film, showing Henry V going into a giant battle, and all in this one take, showing him killing the enemy while almost being killed himself, in a sea of armored clad men with no faces. There is even a Raiders of the Lost Ark comedy duel late in the game that I won’t ruin for spoiler reasons, but needless to say, a lot of movies have tried to copy this classic Spielberg scene, but none have done so hilariously while still be executed a bit differently. There are more than just those three, but needless to say the cinematography in this is quite good considering it is Netflix that financed the film. Like I said above, the movie doesn’t feel its length. There is enough interesting battles, conversations, treasons, and scene stealing acting to get you through it rather quickly.

Let’s talk about the acting. Timothe Chalamet is a great actor, let me just point to his incredible performance in Call Me By Your Name. He also looks like he is going to do a great job later this year in Little Women. And he is good here too (and has an excellent before battle speech), but the movie is completely stolen from him by two supporting roles: that of the always reliable Joel Egerton, who plays Falstaff, a once drunkard warrior who becomes Henry V right hand man, and Robert Pattinson, who plays The Dauphin. Egerton has the more meatier role, spouting off military strategies but also handing out life lessons to those around him, fascinating even when not a word is spoken from him. But I really want to talk about Robert Pattinson. Now while I didn’t care for The Lighthouse when I saw it last week, Pattinson is fucking fantastic in it, and even though all you naysayers that can’t get him out of your head as Edward from Twilight or Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter, you need to give that film and especially the movie Good Time a chance, to know that he will make a fantastic Batman/Bruce Wayne in Matt Reeves’ upcoming one-off Batman film.

If those two movies didn’t say your thoughts of him, I guarantee you this one will. His character, The Dauphin, doesn’t show up until over halfway of the movie being over, and Pattinson is really only in the film for maybe about 10 minutes total if you spliced his scenes together, but his introduction is one to be marveled at. He plays this French son of a king so ruthlessly and maliciously over the top, I smiled every time he opened his mouth spewing heated disses to Henry V with a deliciously vile French accent. And it 100% works. At first I was afraid that his performance would be just written off as a good French Heath Ledger Joker, but Pattinson truly makes it his own, and the 10 minutes he is in the film is worth it just to watch the whole thing alone. There are other supporting parts such as Ben Mendolsohn as King Henry IV (less screentime than Pattinson) and Lily Rose Depp (Johnny Depp’s daughter) as Catherine (even less screen time than both Mendolsohn and Pattinson) and while they are good, they aren’t very memorable because of their lack of a huge presence. Sean Harris (the main villain in the last two Mission: Impossible film) seems like he’s getting the short end of the stick with his character, but towards the end you realized that it was necessary all along.

Yeah, so what the fuck are you doing? If you like epics such as this, this one is right up your alley and ranks along the greats. But I mean, would this kind of film make money if it was in the theater anymore? Probably not, but Netflix knows that there is this certain niche of people at there that need their fix for these kinds of films, and smartly swiped this up and debut it on their streaming platform. I have a feeling it is going to get more praise in the coming weeks, I just wish it was getting it now. I have a feeling it is being drowned out by Dolemite Is My Name and other things about to hit the giant service, but that is okay right now as Netflix is truly trying to merge as a competitor before things truly get ugly next week as Disney+ debut and then in January when HBO Max tries to reign supreme. Maybe my little review here could get some of you to hit that play button on your remotes and spread the word so that way it comes out of being drowned in the mud and muck. It doesn’t deserve that, especially when I will definitely be checking this out a time or two in the coming years.